I need a dad
Need a Dad for a minute?
Hello everyone my name is Riley I’m 36 years old. My daughter Mia is 12 and she’s paralyzed from the waist down after a car accident when she 5 the accident occurred as my husband was taking her to school he was killed on impact. Since then I have been a single mom it’s just been my daughter and I.
My family and I have always had problems mostly because of my brother. My brother has just been a trouble maker he’s had anger issues his entire life. He’s an alcoholic and has been in and out of juvenile detention and jail since pretty much constantly since he was 16. He was always super mean to me growing up and my parents have always babied him and made excuses. I’ve told my parents repeatedly that I don’t want him anywhere near my daughter but they shame me and go against my wishes every chance they get but this was the last straw.
My brother has been in jail again for the last year and just got released on Friday. My parents were trying to get me to go with them to pick him up and I refused saying that I had no interest in being around my brother whatsoever. Saturday at about ten in the morning I got a knock on the door and it was my parents with my brother. They said they wanted me to talk to my brother because he was my brother and I was wrong for wanting nothing to do with him. Me being the people pleaser I am let them in something that will never happen again.
My daughter was sitting in her wheelchair in the living room on her phone and I had walked into the kitchen to get something to drink. I heard my brother ask my daughter for a hug and my daughter say don’t touch me. I was already heading towards the living room to get onto my brother. I got to the hallway leading to the living room and I can see inside the living room as I’m walking down the hallway. I was at the end of the hallway I had just turned in the direction of the living room when I saw my brother try to hug my daughter anyway.
My daughter pushed him away with her arms and when she did my brother went into one of his tantrums. He grabbed my daughter around the neck and started choking her.
I dropped what I had in my hand and ran down the hall and sorta threw my body into my brother knocking him down. As he was getting up I told him and my parents that I was calling the cops and to get out of my house immediately. My brother called me a bitch as I was dialing 911 on my phone. My parents realized that I was serious and started sorta guiding my brother towards the door.
To get out of the living room he had to go past my daughter and when he got past my daughter and was behind her he turned around and dumped my daughter out of her wheelchair then took off running out the front door jumped in his truck and sped off. I already had the dispatcher on the phone and I just looked at my parents and they left in a hurry as well.
Once I it was just me and my daughter and I knew the police were on their way I helped my daughter back into her wheelchair and started checking on her. I noticed she had hand prints on her neck from where my brother had choked her as well as some carpet burns on her legs and a place on her back that was starting to bruise.
Her legs from hitting the carpet and sorta sliding and the mark on her back was from her wheelchair as it landed on her when my brother tipped it over.
When the police arrived I told them exactly what happened and they took pictures of all my daughters injuries then I gave them my parents address where my brother was staying. They said they would take care of it and left. They went straight to my parents house and arrested my brother.
My brother is currently in jail on charges of aggravated assault, child abuse and battery. Since then both of my parents have called me and said that I overreacted and that it was my daughters fault for setting my brother off. To which I responded by saying my brother is crazy and there’s absolutely no excuse for his behavior then hung up. I have both my parents numbers now blocked.
Reaching Out for a Father
I've spent quite a bit of time talking about dealing with Father Hunger. There was so much more I've wanted to say. I mean we could spend hours talking about this important issue.
So, I want to add a couple more thoughts about it. Make sure you read this blog, How to Deal with Father Hunger. It will help this blog make more sense.
1. If you are suffering from Father Hunger, then it's important, if at all possible, talk to your father about it. That may be impossible for you because you may not even know who or where your birth father is. But if you can contact him and it's safe, it's really important you communicate with him. I received a comment from Sandra this week that made a lot of sense.
Someone who is suffering from father hunger should have a talk with their father about their feelings. However, some fathers don't even want to take the time to listen to [their] child who is [dying] inside of pain I can't guarantee that it will work, but most of the time it does, and he will probably take the time to think about all this and will want to retry the father-daughter or son relationship.
I agree with Sandra. Trying to talk to your father may not work, but it's worth a try.
Maybe he won't respond to you the way you hoped he would, but at least you will have a clear conscience knowing you have done everything in your power to make peace with him.
When you communicate with your father, you need to first build him up and thank him for whatever he has done for you, even if it's something very small or insignificant. I am a father, and I know from experience every father craves to be respected by their children, even if they have done horrible things. I mean, think of it. Your father has a lot of hurts too. He, no doubt, didn't have the best relationship with his father either. That is not to excuse what he has done or failed to do. It just means he needs your compassion and love too.
You may want to write out how you feel about your hurt and your relationship with him. Sometimes it's easier for fathers to read about how you feel rather than hear it directly face to face. You may want to ask your mother, or another relative, what they think is the best way to confront your father.
Confronting your father will not be easy, but it could do wonders for your relationship, and help you grow as a person.
2. If you suffer from Father Hunger, begin to look for a stand-in father. You may think a stand-in father won't work for you, but I have talked to many students over the years where a substitute father or mentor has made all the difference in the world. Just knowing someone really cares for you can make a huge difference.
Laura's comment says it all: I have gotten the chance to get closer to my band director at school. He has helped me so much this year. He is like a dad to me.
But how does one go about finding a father figure? Morgan sent me some great advice: I think they should take a good, long look at their Father Hunger and ask themselves, "Is this solvable?" If it's possible to talk to their fathers about their Father Hunger, do so!! If not, I think they should go to a grandpa, uncle, or even an older brother they know loves them, and just spend time with them.
Chat with them. Go to lunch with them. Everything that those suffering from Father Hunger would want to do with their dad (like go out to lunch, play sports, play a board game, etc)..It certainly wouldn't replace their dad, but it would bring some love from a male father figure into their life and fill some of that void.
Another idea in finding a stand-in father is to go to your church or place of worship. Find an older woman whom you trust and ask her to help you find a father figure. She will more likely know who would be the best stand-in father figure at your church you can trust.
Why a child needs a father
A mother gives a child life, and a father opens the way to the world. Probably, for a man, a father is the most honorable title of all possible - it contains justice, strength, and affection.
But the title of a father is not only an honor and honor, it is also a heavy burden, in order to be a father, you need to have a special talent, you need to devote your whole life to this.
And if mom personifies tenderness, then dad is an authority, and his duties are not limited to simply getting money, as, unfortunately, sometimes happens. The father is responsible for a huge number of things: for the development of the world, and for the child's acceptance of his gender, and for the development of basic skills. Dad will always come to the rescue, he understands, he forgives mistakes and teaches to overcome difficulties.
What is the father's role in the family? How to become a good father? How not to harm the development of the child?
It is worth starting with the fact that a father's love in itself is active, creative. The mission of the father is to raise a child, to become a guide in a difficult and difficult life. It is very important not to harm the child, not to break him, voluntarily or unwittingly. Be sure to need a competent approach, you should correlate the age capabilities of the child and the level of requirements for him. The key concept here is responsibility for the fate of the child.
You must emphasize, grow in your son or daughter all that is good that you have, and cut off the excess, the harmful.
The most important thing is to actively engage with the child, to spend as much time with him as possible. The father is important to the baby from birth. It is noted that men, as a rule, are not only better able to help the child cope with speaking skills, but also teach them to find cause-and-effect relationships, manipulate objects, through toys, puzzles, constructors.
In addition, the image of a father is also important for building relationships in a mother-child pair. The father must help the child to separate from the mother. Also, through the father, the child learns about social relations, comprehends the hierarchy of society. And it all starts, for example, with an acquaintance with the kindergarten. The process starts from early childhood and continues until the beginning of independent life.
Children have a very strong faith in their father.
Therefore, it is very important for a man to keep his promises and never promise what he cannot give. Unfortunately, sometimes fathers do not attach any importance to this, they consider it something insignificant, for example, going to the zoo or walking in the forest. However, the price of such carelessness is too high. Otherwise, you can damage the child's soul, undermine trust, shake faith in the brightest. Moreover, excuses like “no time” or “forgotten” do not work.
It is up to the father to gain and maintain authority for the child — the father can do everything. And you need to obey not because he has a belt, but because dad loves the child and knows how to do it, how to bring maximum benefit. Father is discipline, requirements, norms. Such a balance is important for the development and growth of the child's personality, but it is not the punishment itself that is important, but the lesson that can be learned from it. Therefore, all the rules must be explained - and fully assimilated.
As regards the child's assessments and actions, one must act with the utmost care. Praise is good, it is vital for a child, but, of course, negative assessments are indispensable. However, try not to speak badly about the child himself, evaluate only his qualities and actions. Let's hope, some way out. Not “you are bad”, but “you did a bad thing, and you need to improve in order to get better.” Illiterate criticism, condemnation for its own sake can completely ruin interest in any even the most interesting business, injure a child mentally.
Forget the caustic ridicule - it's very bad anyway. This is too powerful a tool that humiliates a child. Education must be truly productive. And, unfortunately, there is such a phenomenon when a father gets annoyed with a child, taking out his bad mood on him or expressing himself through this. Such an ugly phenomenon simply should not exist.
Check your actions, subject them to careful analysis. Look at yourself from the side.
Remember that the child will copy the father's behavior. If something is not right, most often look for the cause in yourself.
The birth of a child becomes the strongest test for the strong half of humanity. Psychologists even talk about the crisis of fatherhood. So education is a two-way process. And, probably, it would not be an exaggeration to say that one should not be engaged in raising children - one should educate oneself. Remember, your children really need you.
Alexander Kolchin
I don't need a dad
Yesterday there was a conversation between mother and son, they talked like adults. And how to talk to a sixteen-year-old son. He already understands everything. He just doesn’t want a strange man to appear in their apartment.
He'll be right there.
— Son, don't be rude, please, he's a good person!
Svetlana is thirty-six. For thirteen years, she has been raising her son alone. Yes, and personal life ends early.
Oh, how early!
— Mom, why do we need him? I wanted a dad at the age of six. Now, at sixteen, I don't need it.
- Timur, son, think about me. You are already an adult, you must understand - a woman cannot live alone all her life, - she patted her son on the head. - You say hello to him, just talk nicely.
- All right!
And here is the doorbell that should turn life around in their little family. Timur from the room looks at the front door.
A man comes in. A little taller than himself. He kisses his mother on the cheek. They walk into the room together.
— Hello!
Hello! The boy holds out his hand and introduces himself. - Timur!
- Svyatoslav! The man firmly shakes his hand. - You can call it that.
- No, better - Uncle Svyatoslav.
- Well, as you wish! the man agrees.
And the woman stands between them, not daring to approach any of them. Coming to his senses, he rushes to the kitchen. They remain alone.
“I will stay with you for half a month,” the man starts the conversation. - If we do not make friends during this time, I will leave forever.
- A week! The guy holds out his hand again. - If in a week I don’t say: “Stay!”, You will leave.
- I agree, - a firm handshake in response.
They dine in silence, occasionally glancing at each other.
“You should at least talk,” Svetlana cannot stand it.
“Timur and I have already agreed on everything,” the man replies calmly.
— Yes, mom is all right! Uncle Svyatoslav is a normal person, he understands everything correctly, - the son gets up and smiles at his mother. - I'll go for a walk!
Mother accompanies him to the door. He sits down at the table again. Tears roll up to my eyes.
— Svetlana, everything will be fine! The man reassures her. - You have a good son. We will become friends with him.
***
Today Svyatoslav decided to change all the switches and sockets in the apartment.
It is high time to do this, but there was no one to do it. Here they are with Timur now changing.
They don't talk much, but they understand each other.
There is some noise in the entrance. Svetlana, of course, left. How come? Something happened in the entrance, but she doesn't even know.
A few minutes later she ran in, so excited:
“Christina, who lives below us,” began to tell, gesticulating with her hands. - I went to a nearby store, and left a small child at home. And she lost her keys. The baby inside is crying. She also had a phone in the apartment. We need to call somewhere. She's got a new door, honey, you can't break it.
Timur went out to the balcony and looked down. The stepfather was right next to me:
- Let's take a chance? The balcony window is open.
“There is nothing to grab on to,” Timur looked at his stepfather with interest.
“You will hold on to the hand like this,” he showed how to hold on.
- Understood.
— What do you think? Mother came out onto the balcony.
— Mom, go calm the neighbor down!
— Go, Svetlana, go! Svyatoslav nodded his head.
The woman left the balcony, but remained in the room, watching her men.
They leaned over the railing. Timur grabbed his stepfather's hand with his left hand, and he began to slowly lower it.
“I’m a bit short,” the guy shouted.
— And now?
— No. Uncle Svyatoslav, if you can, shake me a little, and when I say immediately release your hand.
— Timur, this is the third floor.
— I did gymnastics as a child.
- Be careful!
- On the count of three. One two Three!
The man opened his hand, his heart skipped a beat.
— Fine, Uncle Svyatoslav, — he heard a voice from below.
After a couple of minutes, a joyful cry of women was heard from below. And after a couple more - Timur entered the apartment.
— Let's finish the sockets! Svyatoslav said calmly.
Their eyes met.
— Cool! - Timur said admiringly and amiably hit the man's outstretched hand.
***
Tomorrow is the weekend. Although during the summer holidays it does not play a role. But on Friday evening at dinner, Svyatoslav suggested:
— Shall we go to the lake tomorrow with an overnight stay?
Mother and son looked at each other in surprise. Timur's eyes lit up.
— Which lake?
- To Turgoyak. Let's go fishing, let's have a rest.
— Is it possible… — Timur began and stopped.
- Well, if you started, finish talking! - said the mother.
— I'll be right there! - and the guy rushed to the door.
— Where is he? - Svyatoslav did not understand.
- He has a girlfriend, classmate. Lives next door.
Timur returned an hour later with a frown on his face.
“I probably won’t go,” he said through gritted teeth.
— Why didn't they let your Alice go with you? Mother smiled sadly.
The son silently sat down on the sofa.
“You did the right thing,” Svyatoslav suddenly said. What kind of parents will let their sixteen-year-old daughter go to sleep with a classmate. If adults would come.
Mother and son looked at him with incomprehension. And he continued:
- Svetlana, let's go ask him Alice.
“But…,” the son jumped up.
- Sit! Mother waved her hand at him.
Timur sat on the couch for half an hour until a melody started playing on his cell phone. Alice:
- Timur, they let me go! – breathed its joyful cry. - Yours came and persuaded. You have such a great stepdad!
— Hooray! Okay, Alice, see you tomorrow! Mine are coming.
“Your beauty has been released,” the mother announced from the threshold.
— Timur, will we get up early tomorrow morning and come to my place? - suggested stepfather. - Let's collect something, change the oil in the car.
— Do you have a car? Timur exclaimed, and immediately stopped short.
- You…
- You're welcome! "Come on" you "!" and held out his hand.
— Thank you!
— I have an old Volkswagen Passat. Even my grandfather bought his father about thirty years ago. But it works like new.
— Of course we will!
In the morning we got up, when the mother was still sleeping, drank tea and left.
Svyatoslav lived nearby, in a village. Nice house, garden. The wife left him. She said she didn't dream of such a life.
Oil changed quickly. We went to wash our hands. And then, under a canopy, Timur saw a punching bag. Two pairs of boxing gloves hung on a carnation. A smile flickered across his face.
— What are familiar things? Svyatoslav nodded at the gloves.
- We are training in a friend's garage.
Can you last one round?
— Come on!
After the round, Timur looked gloomy. He lost outright, besides, his stepfather did not fight at full strength.
- Don't be upset! he reassured.
- I was engaged in boxing in my youth, I went to competitions. True, he did not get above the regional ones. If you want, we will sometimes train.
- I want to.
- Okay, let's go check the boat.
— Which boat?
- Rubber. Let's take the net. We eat with women. I think it's stupid to sit all day staring at floats.
Checked the boat, nets, tent. Marinated meat for barbecue. Timur began to notice that this man was getting closer and closer to him. He loved mom. From childhood, she taught him to write, read, and do simple housework.
But she and her mother never changed the switches in the house. They did not help the neighbor, risking their lives, to get into a closed apartment. Car, boat, nets. What about a boxing match? And that's not the last thing they'll do together if he stays.
- Let's go! - commanded Svyatoslav.
They went back, for some reason in a different way. We drove onto a country road.
- As I understand it, you have never driven a car? - He said stopping.
— No.
— Get behind the wheel!
— But…
- Sit down, sit down! The man smiled approvingly.
What an incredible feeling it is to feel how the car obeys you. I drove across the field for a few minutes. He himself drove up to the road, and only here his stepfather got behind the wheel.
They were at home in a few minutes.
***
And a couple of hours later on a big beautiful lake. We found a place where civilization has not yet finally reached. For a small fee, they left the car in a very wild parking lot.
Put up a tent. Trees for a fire were allowed to take only fallen or fallen trees. And then a problem arose. Everything that was suitable for a fire was collected by previous vacationers. I had to go a good half a kilometer. They found a fallen tree and cut it down. It's good that the hacksaw was prudently taken with you. They dragged, lit a fire.
Got on a boat with my stepfather. We swam. Set up one network.
Away - another. We returned to the first, pulled out. It was already fluttering about a dozen good perches and chebakov. Chose a catch. Dropped the net again.
While the women were cleaning the fish, we went again. The fish were brought back. Smoked in a simple bucket with a grate. It turned out delicious!
Timur had no idea how great it was! Near the lake. Bonfire. Next to the girl you like. Mom and ... stepfather. Life seemed to be divided into two parts: when he was gone and when he appeared.
***
A few more days have passed. That day, before lunch, Timur sunbathed with Alice on the river. The mood is joyful. I ran into the apartment. The mother sat in the kitchen and wept softly.
— Mom, what happened? Where is Svyatoslav?
- He left.
— How did you leave?
- He packed his bag and left without explaining anything - and the woman began to cry again.
Pictures flashed before the boy's eyes where they had been together this week.
