How to get a date as an introvert

7 Dating Tips for Introverts Who Are Tired of Being Single

Dating can feel like a performance, which can be off-putting for introverts, who desire deep and authentic connection.

Dating in online swipe culture can feel especially challenging for us introverts, given our temperaments. (And dating’s never easy anyway, with or without an app — even though there are some great ones out there, including ones based on your Myers-Briggs personality type.)

Many introverts, myself included, feel the pressure to reduce descriptions of ourselves into neat, compact, and self-marketing little bundles. We might feel like we must be “on” in order for people to feel attraction or connection — which can take significant energy. We may also feel discouraged from being our authentic selves and experiencing our usual human range of emotions. In essence, dating can feel like a performance.

Like all people, though, we are deserving of love and connection. Here are some things to keep in mind for any introvert navigating the world of modern dating.

1. Come prepared with good questions.

Often during first-date conversations, people are merely reacting more than truly responding — even though many ideas, especially more complex ones, take time to process. We introverts may not feel we have time to do this under the pressure of a first-time interaction, where silences are viewed as the awkward conversation killer to be avoided at all costs. We’re not in our element, and our best qualities — the ability to be thoughtful, methodical, and listen — feel less appreciated and validated.

To avert this, come prepared with questions that you think could lead to interesting conversations. (After all, we introverts love to plan and think before we speak.) That way, you can go from small talk to deep talk. For example, if they’re a preschool teacher, ask something like: “What’s something your kids did today that made you laugh?” Or if they posted photos with their cat, you can say: “What’s Alistair’s quirkiest habit?” Or if they lived abroad, try: “I’m curious to hear about the food over there! I’m such a foodie. What are some of their staples?”

I love hearing stories like these and I generally love sharing them, too. Asking specific questions also shows that you’ve paid attention to their profile and/or what they’ve shared with you prior to meeting.

So have your questions ready in the back of your mind so that you’re not just defaulting to programmed fall-backs or a generic script when the conversation reaches a lull.

2. Choose an apt environment.

Many people, especially introverts, can draw upon an understanding of environmental psychology to optimize their experience in social settings, dates included. Awareness of environmental factors can lend insight into why we might be feeling or behaving a certain way.

Introverts tend to thrive when in low-key, low stimuli environments — which put us at ease and encourage us to be our best selves.

Personally, I usually leave loud, distracting environments. While I can hold my own in them when I’m with friends or people I know well, when I’m with someone I haven’t yet established a relationship with, those environments elicit more anxiety (and dating is anxiety-inducing enough!). My voice doesn’t carry, my system feels overactivated, and it’s harder for me to connect with my date. I’m distracted from responding in a truly engaged way, not to mention it’s also harder to read and respond to my own internal thoughts.

Knowing this about myself, I purposefully suggest places with ample comfortable seating, minimal noise, and calm lighting, as to minimize the chances for system overload.

Some people feel more comfortable when facing a window or when their back is to a wall so they can scan their surroundings for potential threats. Pay attention to how you feel in certain spaces so you can become more familiar with your own environmental triggers. And if any of the factors are within your control to modify, then do so. (For instance, I once asked a date to switch seats with me because the mirror behind her was distracting me. She was understanding and receptive to this.)

3. Practice grounding techniques.

If the environment is loud and you can’t escape it, naming objects (and their physical characteristics) inside the room can help bring you out of your head. You can say these things to yourself to help you get grounded. For example, maybe you see a plant with long green leaves between two bottles of Smirnoff on the shelf behind the bartender’s head. Or you notice an orange candle flickering on the black circular table next to you. Or you see that there are purple cushions covering the vintage wooden bar stools.

By focusing on the concrete, you’ll clear space in your mind and be in a better place to take in what your date is saying.

4. Do a shared activity to get out of your (overthinking) head.

At the beginning stages of forming a connection, two people are guarding this precious little flame (our hearts and souls) that burns within us. Connection happens when the two flames come together — but both people’s shields have to be down in order for this to happen. Lowering those shields can be hard for introverts. (It is for me, at least.) Plus, we introverts love to overthink: Are they having fun? Are we talking enough? Did they laugh at our last joke? So doing something helps remove some of this pressure.

Focusing on an external activity can help — you can focus on the activity, which takes pressure off the date itself. One time on a date, we dug for acorns in Sonoma (to help with the replanting of trees after the historic fires). Other dates have included kayaking, picking blackberries, and petting cats at a cat cafe. Picking an activity you’re passionate about will allow you to be more comfortable, which will make you feel more confident and at ease. I find I’m less worried about how I’m coming across when I’m genuinely enjoying what we are doing.

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5. Consider other ways to meet someone — so the connection can grow more organically — aside from dating apps.

I’ve relied on dating apps since the age of 18 (since, as an LGBTQ person, it’s difficult to meet other gay people “out in the wild” — I often blend in and pass as straight). Yet, on apps, I often feel the pressure to make quick decisions about whether or not I’m attracted enough to someone. Plus, it’s harder for the slow-burn attractions to grow.

Other ways to meet someone may suit you more as an introvert. Generally, groups and communal activities (like a friend’s birthday party) can be a way to meet people without the pressure to feel attraction right away. The connections can unfold more organically that way.

Meetings such as these also carry the added advantage of not having the “checklist mentality” built into them. As Relationship Expert Esther Perel said on Tim Ferris’ podcast (in an episode about intimacy and emotional baggage), “I think most of the dating that involves a checklist is doomed. It’s anti-romance, it’s anti-story, and stories are the ways we live our lives. Often we find that people match all the items on your list and the feeling isn’t there, because the feeling is something that emerges through interaction, through shared experience, through the creation of a shared story together. ”

6. If you

do meet on an app, don’t spend too much time communicating over text or email before meeting in person.

When I first started online dating, I spent a large amount of time exchanging personal information back and forth in lengthy messages with prospective partners before meeting.

It’s hard because, if you’re anything like me, you not only love writing, but find immense catharsis in it. Writing is a refuge for me; it’s a medium that affords me utmost control and a place where I often feel I can be my authentic self. (I’m more comfortable writing versus being in an overstimulating public place with a brand new person.)

That said, getting to know someone through writing naturally appeals to me. After several negative experiences, though, I’ve learned that resisting this impulse leads to less disappointment later on. The way I’ve come to see it is that the amount of time dedicated to written correspondence is directly proportional to the amount of disappointment you’ll feel when things don’t work out (or when the person is not who you thought they’d be).

I do believe you can learn a lot about someone’s values and inner world through written correspondence. Sometimes writing eliminates some of the superficial distractions that stand in the way of knowing others on a deeper level. One problem with it, however, is that you only see the other person’s words, with no action(s) to back them up. In person, you can get both. There are things like body language, tone of voice, or just someone’s general aura that images and text on a screen can’t fully capture. Even if you seem to be hitting it off in writing, it’s hard to gauge whether that will translate into in-person chemistry.

So limit your pre-first-date communication and try to meet sooner rather than later.

7. Be aware of fantasy relationships.

Experiences have taught me that practiced too early on (before trust and a foundation have been established), excessive written contact can also fuel the engine of fantasy relationships.

Introverts tend to have rich fantasy lives — it’s one of our superpowers — so often we fill in the missing spaces and unknowns with our own details. This can lead to feeling letdown when the in-person counterpart fails to match up to whatever idealized version our mind has concocted. For instance, in writing and on the phone, maybe you bonded over what you thought was a shared passion for dogs. But then, in person, it becomes apparent that their interest is only passing and tepid, and that they only volunteered at a shelter once.

Perhaps we’re more likely to think the best about someone and mold them into who we want them to be rather than see them for who they really are. But this can backfire for us down the road.

Introverts, what dating tips would you add? Let me know in the comments below.

Are you an introvert who shuts down around the people you’re attracted to?

As an introvert, you actually have the amazing ability to be irresistible, without forcing yourself to talk more. It all starts with recognizing the most common myths about dating and learning a framework for fun, flirty conversations — no extroversion needed. To learn how to connect with your true sensuality, relax, and open up on dates, we recommend Michaela Chung’s online courses for introverted men and introverted women.

How to Find Love as an Introvert Who Hates Dating

11 February 2020 / By Kayleigh Alexander Clinically Reviewed by Steven Melendy, PsyD. on February 11, 2020

Categories: Myers Briggs, Myers Briggs & Love, INFJ, INFP, INTJ, INTP, ISTJ, ISTP, ISFJ, ISFP

The dating scene is never easy. But it’s particularly hard if you’re an introverted personality type. For those who score an “I” preference according to Myers and Briggs, then the thought of going out and meeting up with multiple strangers for dates can be excruciatingly painful.

Putting yourself out there and dating as an Introvert is the opposite of what you’d like to be doing; sitting on the sofa in your quiet apartment, wearing sweatpants and reading your book. But if you want to find love, then you’re going to have to get out there and meet people — and this means stepping outside your comfort zone.

Dating as an Introvert doesn’t have to be a nightmare though; there are things you can do to make the whole experience easier and — dare we say it — even enjoyable. Here are some best tips for how to find love as an Introvert who hates dating.

Play to your strengths

As an Introvert dating, you may feel like a fish out of water. After all, dates are for fun, bubbly people with lots to say — right?

Let’s banish this mindset right away: you don’t have to be loud and talkative to have a successful date. As an Introvert, you have lots to offer. You’re focused, highly observant and a good listener — making you a great conversation partner.

Play to your strengths and pick a type of date that will really make you shine; something like a one-on-one date (preferably not in a loud, crowded bar) will give you a chance to really get to know your date, get chatting and connect.

You prefer to listen and ask thoughtful questions rather than talk at someone — which is actually great on a date because it shows off your curious and insightful nature.

If the idea of a sit-down date making conversation with a stranger sounds daunting, then you can always plan your date around an activity. Something like going to the theatre or a comedy night gives you a way of easing yourself into a date with someone new, and means you have a ready-made topic of conversation if you go for drinks afterwards.

Do what works for you and what feels right

Dating as an Introvert can be tough, but knowing what works for you and acting on this knowledge will make the whole process much easier and help you find love.

If you’re an Introvert who collects information through sensing (Myers and Briggs personality types ISTJ, ISTP, ISFJ, ISFP), then you tend to gather facts from your immediate environment and rely on the things you can see, feel and hear to inform you. Use this aspect of your personality to guide you — you’re observant and accurate when it comes to the little details. Trust this sensing function and what you’re experiencing when you’re on a date; if you’re enjoying yourself in the moment, it’s a good sign.

If you’re an Introvert who perceives information through intuition (Myers and Briggs personality types INTJ, INTP, INFJ, and INFP), then trusting your intuition is something you can use in your quest for love. Trust your instincts and listen to your gut: how does this person make you feel? If you’re finding deeper meaning in your date and you’re connecting with the person you’re on a date with, then run with it.

The same goes for your style of dating: do what feels right for you. Finding love can be difficult, and forcing yourself into uncomfortable situations and out on multiple weekly dates will only make it feel harder. Focus on dating fewer people rather than more — picking quality over quantity will help you build more meaningful connections. Take your dating journey at your own pace, and don’t be afraid to take a break if you need to.

If dating apps and pre-planned dates are becoming too stressful, then be open to the possibility of meeting someone organically — through mutual friends, hobbies or even just bumping into someone in a coffee shop. Love is often found in unexpected places.

Embrace technology and meet new people online

If the idea of sitting in a crowded bar shouting across the music to a blind date sounds traumatic to you, then why not try meeting new people online?

Technology has plenty of pros and cons, but one of the things it has given us is a way of dating and meeting people that isn’t completely anxiety-triggering for those of us who are Introverts. And there are many dating apps that are well-suited to Introvert personality types.

Introverts generally communicate better in writing rather than talking; it makes us feel more comfortable and protected (typing from the safety of our own apartment), and it gives us time to think about our answers and how to respond. This means that conversation can flow more smoothly, and you can connect better to the person you’re talking to — getting past small talk and having thoughtful, meaningful conversations.

It doesn’t just have to be dating apps and sites you join either; it could be online forums, communities or message boards for an interest of yours (like a favorite band, sports team or hobby like baking or crafting).

Don’t be afraid to ditch the dating apps if you’re feeling stressed and anxious when you’re using them; if you get caught in a loop of talking to people but not meeting them, you can feel like you’re “failing” at dating. Stay positive and look in different places!

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not (i.e. an Extravert)

It’s all too easy when you’re dating to see the whole thing as a performance in which you are playing a part, and trying to shun your lovely Introvert personality to pretend to be something you’re not: an Extravert.

The end result? Stage fright. Which means you can clam up, sink into yourself even more, and generally have a terrible time. Plus, it could result in you ending up in an uncomfortable situation, doing something that stresses you out (karaoke, anyone?).

Take the pressure off yourself to be an Extravert, and avoid putting on a front. Be honest about your personality type, and what you enjoy (knowing yourself is a strong Introvert quality). Own your introversion: being an Introvert has all sorts of awesome positives that you can share with your date.

The same goes for your date outfits; if you’re normally a jeans and sweater kinda gal, then dressing up in a tight pencil skirt and a low-cut top is going to make you feel super uncomfortable — and won’t have the desired effect of making you seem more confident. If anything, it ramps up your nerves and feelings of anxiety because you feel exposed and on edge.

Instead, go for an outfit that brings you happiness; something that makes you feel more relaxed and comfortable.

Finding love as an Introvert who hates dating can often feel hard, but it’s not impossible. Follow these dating tips for Introvert personality types and you’ll find your whole dating experience much easier and more enjoyable. And who knows? Maybe you’ll find love.

5 strategies for an introvert before a first date

Every time I go to the meeting place, my chest freezes. 10 minutes before the appointed time, I am ready to cancel everything. And there always comes a moment when I don’t know what to think, and after saying the first few words, I fall silent in utter panic. Yes, I am an introvert.

Unfortunately for us introverts, there are no options - you have to go on dates. Answering the same questions to different people over and over again about who we are, what we love and what we do.

To leave a cozy house for a big and noisy world. Let the one we see for the first time at close range.

But let's look at it from the other side. Do you want to find love? Then you have to go through it. It doesn't happen otherwise.

Over the years, I've developed a few tricks that make it easier to accept the fact that I have to talk to complete strangers.

You are lucky - I am ready to share them.

1. A little more coffee, a little less alcohol

I know that the temptation to get a little courage with alcohol is very strong, but here's the thing: if you, like me, can't always find words, alcohol will become your enemy. Only coffee!

2.Short and mysterious

Leave room for imagination. Let the new acquaintance want to know more about you.

The real purpose of a first date is to arouse curiosity. Both of you at this time ask yourself the same questions: “Do I want to spend more time with this person? Do I want to know more? And if the answer is yes, you might consider scheduling a new date... interrupting the current one just in time.

Personally, I know that I can normally carry on a conversation for a maximum of 90 minutes, so I try to end the date at the peak of my activity!

3.

Familiar places

After many attempts to invent new and original ways of meeting and finding unexpected places, I realized that this is not the best option for an introvert.

I need firm ground under my feet. I'm sure you do too. In addition, if your new acquaintance likes the place as much as you do, it will mean that you and her are on the same wavelength in some way (perhaps you are lucky and she is also an introvert!).

Personally, I always have a plan A and a backup plan B. I go for nice little cafes that aren't too crowded. And if it still turns out to be noisy there, there is definitely a park next to this cafe where you can run away and wander together in silence.

Avoid mass gatherings if you get tired of them. Concerts? Save it for the second date or you won't get a chance to talk.

A good choice for an introvert - hiking or biking trails, cultural events, museums. Everything where there is space, the opportunity to move and discuss impressions.

4. Questions and more questions

This is the rule of dating: you have to ask the other person something. And even then, when you live together for 40 years and you have grandchildren, you will still need to ask each other questions. (“How was your day, dear?”)

If you meet online, write honestly. When asked, "How do you spend your Friday night?", it is tempting to embellish reality and answer: "With friends at the bar."

But this is not about you! Answer as is - "In yoga class, and I like it." There will be someone who will understand you.

On a first date, I was sitting across from a girl who asked a minor question about my job. I literally dug into the details of the answer, all the while running through my mind on how to present it in a smarter way so that she wouldn't get bored to death.

But I completely forgot that you could ask her about something! This simple truth is difficult for an introvert.

For the first date to go well, you must have a dialogue. Listening is just as important as sharing thoughts. If someone asks you how many siblings you have, they may already be looking forward to telling you about the relatives they love.

Get into the habit of checking yourself: did I ask the other person something? Did I learn something about this person?

As one extrovert wrote in the comments on an article about introverts: “I never had a problem getting to know someone and chatting with someone ... But I talk to people for one reason - because they are interesting to me!”

5.Deserved Indulgence

Don't bet too high. Every date doesn't have to be perfect, and you definitely shouldn't go on a date thinking, "It's got to be Her." With your talent for noticing and analyzing everything, you have probably already created a portrait of the one you will meet in advance. Too much pressure - both on you and on her. It's better to treat the date as an experiment.

AFTER THE DATE

Introverts have the ability to remember everything down to the smallest detail and ponder over the little things that their companion might not have noticed, and immediately build forecasts and catastrophic scenarios based on them.

Remember what was good, and think about a new meeting with a smile.

Dating is scary and… exciting. You can experience these feelings at the same time, and this is a sign that something interesting is happening. You challenge yourself but stay true to your introvert nature.

What could be sexier than a person who challenges and is true to himself?

How do you go on dates if you're not too social?

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For a true introvert, finding a partner is a difficult task, but you have to take a deep breath and act. Here's how you can simplify the process of arranging your personal life a little in this case.

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1.

You don't have to be perfect in everything. This, of course, is not easy, but remember that the first time is scary and embarrassing for everyone! Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert. Just relax and don't try to jump over your head.

2. Know what type of date suits you

Then it will be clear why you refuse to go to a concert, for example: you don't like noise and crowds. It's best to show your strengths, and if you can only speak and not be silent when there is almost no one around, quiet places are suitable for a date. Or, say, you like to go to the cinema and chat there along the way, this is also a great option.

3. Dress in comfortable casual clothes

Do you like jeans and a sweater? So, don't try to convince yourself that you need to put on a dress with an open back and make up your lips with bright lipstick for a date. If you are constrained by uncomfortable clothes, then the date may not work out.

4. Think about topics for conversation

Don't be afraid to talk to a new person, just think in advance that you can answer this or that question, where you can't think of anything suitable right away. For example, it may be about why you broke up with your ex or what countries you visited. You don’t need to think through the answer to the last comma, just spend a couple of minutes and plan in advance what you will say.

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5. You can always leave a date

If you feel insecure, think over a retreat plan in advance. Dates were not invented to laboriously sit out time. And if you know that you can always apologize and leave, it will be more comfortable for you to communicate.

6. Draw your own conclusions

If you have been on several dates and every time everything was wrong, you should consider your behavior on them. If you are not sure about your communication skills, ask your friends and together with them try to find a way out. Introversion is your personality trait, it doesn't make you humble or weird by default. If any expectation of communication is scary, perhaps it's not just her.

7. Don't use dating sites if it's inconvenient

Many introverts dislike dating sites and apps because they are afraid they will choose partners and there will be no dates. You can search for communication in a bar or club, and also find potential partners through mutual friends.

8. Go out more often, but not under pressure

Surely the one with whom you have more than one date will be more sociable than you and more inclined to go out. It is clear that you do not like this, but sometimes it is worth making an effort on yourself and agreeing. In the end, he will be there! But if your partner constantly insists on this, and each time it becomes more and more difficult for you to agree, think about what else you always yield to him.

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