I dislike my husband
I Hate My Husband - What To Do If You Resent Your Partner
In one of your not-so-finest moments, you’ve probably yelled something like “I hate you!” at someone you love. (You're only human.) But what if you honestly felt that way? What if some part of you—a small fraction or even a really substantial one—actually hates your husband or partner?
As it turns out, hating your spouse isn't as uncommon as you might think. Practically everyone has times when they feel something like hate toward their partner, says Jane Greer, PhD, a marriage and family therapist in New York City. In her book, What About Me? Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship, Greer calls these “Hate You, Mean It” moments. It’s basically impossible to live with someone without occasionally feeling annoyed by their behavior, she says—but what you need for a relationship to be successful is for those moments to be balanced out with “Love You, Mean It” ones.
"It’s basically impossible to live with someone without occasionally feeling annoyed by their behavior. "
“That’s when you look at your partner and recognize why you love them, whether it’s because they’re being thoughtful, they’re so attractive to you, they did something caring, they said something funny, they were supportive and helped you, or you saw them with your children and you thought, 'What a great mother or father they are,'” says Greer. Without those moments, your relationship is like a sunburn with no aloe, she says.
If you feel the opposite way—that your feelings are falling more on the “Hate You, Mean It” side of the spectrum—you're likely dealing with a real and heavy dose of resentment. Read on for Greer’s advice about exactly what to do.
1. Figure out where your needs aren’t being met.
Maybe you’re very clear that your hatred stems from how your partner never picks up after his or herself or never follows through on things they said they'd do. Or maybe you’re feeling these negative feelings, but you’re not exactly sure why.
If it’s the latter, Greer suggests paying close attention to your partner’s behavior and reflecting back on how they've been acting. “Ask yourself, ‘Is there an unresolved issue? Is it something they did recently that's making me upset? Is it something they said? Am I not feeling listened to?’” she says. “Look at, ‘Where am I feeling unimportant, unconsidered, not cared about, controlled, or deprived?’ Where are your needs not being met? That's the real question.”
"Where are your needs not being met? That's the real question.”
Let’s say your husband doesn’t lift a finger around the house, or your wife constantly blares the TV when you’re trying to sleep. “If it’s a continued, chronic behavior,” says Greer, “it can become really problematic.”
Another possibility for hating or resenting your partner is that they're responsible for one action—but a biggie one. Exhibit A: Your partner moved you across the country for their job. It’s one thing if you decided on the move together because it was in the best interest of your relationship and family; it’s another if you feel like your partner didn’t ask for your input.
There’s a difference between compromise and sacrifice, says Greer. “In order for you not to be resentful about the decisions that go on in your life, you have to feel that you're making a choice—not that you're sacrificing and going along,” she says. “Otherwise, there will be resentment and anger."
2. Don’t let your hatred get to the boiling point.
Now that you've pared down the reason (or reasons) you're feeling so anti toward your partner, you’ve got to discuss this hatred with them—and fast, according to Greer.
“If you're aware that you’re upset and angry, the sooner you can talk about, the less it festers, the less you dwell on it, and the less retaliatory you become,” she says.
So have a (healthy!) conversation. Greer recommends starting with empathy, thinking about why your partner might be behaving in this particular way. You might say, “I understand that you work long hours, feel exhausted when you get home, and therefore don’t want to do more work, like house chores.” Or, “I get that you felt like you had to move or your boss was going to fire you.”
Then go ahead and say how you feel—without blaming. Maybe you say something like, “With that being said, I’m really feeling resentful when we keep talking about the dishes and you still keep leaving them in the sink,” or, “I didn't feel like I had a lot of say in relocating, and I’m still upset about it.”
3. Suggest solutions.
Once you've initiated the "here's what's up" convo and your spouse has had a chance to voice their part, it's time to move on to the resolution bit.
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“You move to, how do we problem-solve in the future? How do we avoid this going forward?” explains Greer.
Perhaps you’ll always handle the dishes as long as your partner takes care taking out all the garbage, which you hate. And you’ll always talk to each other and develop a strategy before making any big family decisions.
Oftentimes, hating your partner is really just about feeling like whatever they're doing or not doing is never going to change. But there can't be change if you don't communicate.
4. Think about counseling.
If things still don't change for the better after you've talked out your grievances, you might want to seek out professional guidance.
“If you're reaching a point of resigning yourself to, ‘This is the way it is’ and you're just angry, it’s time for counseling,” Greer says. A couples therapist can help you both voice concerns that might be making each of you less motivated to do your part, plus give you tools for improved communication and understanding, as well as managing expectations.
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To get your partner on board, try saying, "I’d really like for us to get along better and be happier together, like we used to be. I think it would really help us a lot if we could get some objective support, with a counselor who is skilled in helping couples make their relationship stronger," Greer suggests.
Now, if your partner shuts down the idea (some men, and women, too, don't "believe" in therapy), try this approach, from Greer. Tell them: "I still feel the need for some outside help, so I’m going to go talk to somebody and see if that can make anything better just on my part." Typically when one person seeks help and starts to make changes, Greer says, their partner starts to feel a little anxious and wants to come in to see what's going on.
P.S. Couples counseling, which is on the rise, btw, doesn't necessarily mean that your marriage is failing or you should get a divorce. For a lot of people, it's just a proactive way to ensure that you're both giving your bond your all.
5. Have more fun together.
Marriage (and relationships in general) take work. But when things become all work and no play, of course you're going to start to hate on the person who's making you put in all that effort.
And once you've started to hate your husband (or wife, or boyfriend/girlfriend), you might start spending less leisure time with him, which perpetuates the cycle. Your fix? Start having more fun together, stat.
Break out the old collection of "Date Night Ideas" from your bridal shower, text a friend for a breakdown of her best date ever, or throw it back to one of the first and most fun outings you and your partner had when you first got together. The idea is to do something either totally out-of-the-box or nostalgic—as long as it's something you'll both enjoy (like hitting up a cool new brewery over, say, apple picking), it'll do.
A quick day or weekend trip away can help, too, says Greer. Sometimes you need a short escape from daily life, where you're in your typical husband/wife-dad/mom roles, to rekindle your flame.
Otherwise, you’ll only have those “Hate You, Mean It” moments left. And that becomes much harder to come back from.
Alison Goldman is a writer and editor based in Chicago. She previously served as the lifestyle editor at Boston Globe Media's Boston.com and has also worked at WomensHealthMag.com and Glamour. Read more of her work at alisonmgoldman.com or follow her @alisongoldman on Twitter and @alisonmgoldman on Insta.
I Hate My Husband - What to Do If You Resent Your Spouse Right Now
I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you. Gnash may be singing about a breakup in her top ten Billboard hit, but even during the best of times couples can feel conflicted. After all, the saying “there’s a fine line between love and hate,” is well-known for a reason. In fact, I recently asked a group of a dozen (basically happily) married women at my book club (it’s more like a drink wine and talk club), if they ever “hated” their husbands. Without hesitation, almost every hand shot up in the air. “Like, obviously,” said my friend sitting next to me. But why do people sometimes feel this way, and if it’s normal, what can be done about it? Here's the relationship advice experts suggest if you currently resent, or even feel like you hate your husband, especially if you want to restore your marriage.
Remember, it's normal to "hate" your husband's guts.
First of all, let’s talk about the word “hate.” Just because you say it, doesn’t mean you actually mean it. Relationship expert Dr. Juliana Morris says that in her practice, couples often use the word “hate” to make an exaggerated point about someone or something that they find beyond irritating. “It’s very normal to have feelings of deep annoyance,” she says. “If you spend a lot of time with someone, especially as intimately as living together, you learn all their idiosyncrasies.” True hate, however, is a major red flag. More on that…later.
And sometimes it's even a good thing.
If you never feel the urge to take his smelly, sweaty gym clothes that he leaves on the bathroom floor every morning and shove them where the sun don’t shine, then you’re a legit zen master and consider yourself lucky. But on the opposite end of the spectrum, Morris says, some couples are so disconnected, they don’t even spend enough time with each other to get annoyed!
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If that sounds familiar take it as a sign that you need to spend more quality time together (even if that means sometimes arguing). Relationship expert Marla Mattenson says, “If you don’t go through periods of annoyance and even disgust towards your partner, you haven’t broken through the superficial barrier and explored the dark crevices that make up the whole person. "
Where do these ugly feelings come from?
According to Morris, when you feel like you hate your spouse, you may actually be feeling something else (hurt, disappointment, or rejection, for example) but aren’t identifying it correctly. Once you realize the root of the emotion, it's easier to fix.
So, let's say you're thinking: “I hate you! You’re such a slob!” What you may actually be feeling is disappointment that he isn't pulling his weight with the chores. To fix it, try saying: “I would love for all the dirty clothes to be in the laundry basket.” (See how we avoided any negativity?) Then, let him know why you’d like that change. For example, “I would feel a lot less resentful and would be less cranky if you’d help remove that obstacle from my day." Insight into where the root of the hate comes from will help you make changes for a more fulfilling relationship.
You have a role in the love/hate dynamic.
Now that we know that the feelings of hate are actually covering up other emotions, and not really because he's forgetful, Mattenson suggests looking inward when hate starts brewing. Maybe you’re overwhelmed by everything on your plate? She says to ask yourself, “What needs of mine aren’t being met right now?”
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And then take time for yourself so that you can feel more loving. “You have to take care of yourself first and foremost if you want to bring love to your relationship."
Try focusing on the positive.
Old habits die hard, but Kelley Kitley, LCSW, says that there are a few things that couples can do to help mellow the hateful feelings when they arise. One way is to restructure your thoughts. “Instead of obsessing about what you are hating, make list of what he’s done right,” she says. She calls this “actively practicing gratitude. ”
Put something exciting on the calendar.
Kitley also says to plan something to look forward to, like a couples getaway or a night out doing something you both enjoy, like listening to live music or going to a comedy club. Spending uninterrupted time together outside of your routine will give you the opportunity to reconnect. And lastly, there’s always good old make-up sex! “Sex helps ease any built-up tension with a chemical release and endorphin rush,” says Kitley.
And, consider therapy.
“Most of the time, feelings of hate pass in a relatively short period of time, and other feelings take their place,” says Dr. Erica MacGregor. But what if they don’t? “If you find that hating your spouse is a sustained state, the two of you should seek help to work through your issues,” MacGregor says. Morris agrees: “There is often a feeling of being trapped with someone you don’t like,” she says. “That trapped, hopeless, helpless feeling breeds resentment, anger, and hate. ” Talking through your issues with a trusted counselor or therapist can help you figure out whether the relationship can be mended or whether it’s time to get a divorce.
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Sara Stillman Berger
Sara is a freelance writer in New York, where she hides her favourite candy from her husband, two kids and even her golden retriever. The goldfish never asks for anything. Sara's work has appeared in The Washington Post, Women’s Health Magazine, Eating Well, shape.com, Scary Mommy, Runner’s World, Prevention, Seventeen, Martha Stewart Weddings, and Brides Magazine, among other publications.
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“I realized that I don't love my husband. What do i do?"
A man and a woman
- Getty Images
“If there is a hell, then this is it”
Eugene, 37 years old
“I have been married for 11 years. I have two children. All these years, relations with my husband developed in different ways: we quarreled, reconciled again, sometimes even dispersed for a short time (he went to live with his mother). But the turning point came this summer.
Unexpectedly, I fell in love with my colleague Maxim, confessed my feelings to him, and he reciprocated. We started dating, I felt his care, warmth, heard gentle and pleasant words, as at the beginning of our relationship with my husband. And she could no longer refuse this “addition” to her former life.
I don't understand how I could decide to cheat on my husband, it happened by itself. Summer evening, we were returning home with Maxim, and he invited me to go to his house, have a cup of tea and relax a little after a hard day. He said that his girlfriend is not at home now ...
My feelings for Maxim grew stronger every day. The husband had no idea. Outwardly, nothing has changed in our family: on weekends, as before, the whole family went to the dacha, grilled barbecue and chatted around the fire. I told my husband that now I have a lot of work and therefore I sometimes stay late in the evenings. But the moment came when I understood clearly and clearly: I no longer love my husband. Early in the morning it came like an epiphany.
I didn't know what to do next. I couldn't even think about destroying my family. In addition, I knew that Maxim had a girlfriend, they had lived together for ten years, but they were not married, and they had no children. When we started dating, he broke up with her. He said he couldn't lie to her. I supported him and said that he did the right thing, and I, too, would soon file for divorce from my husband. nine0003
It turns out that I deceived both my husband and my lover
We met for six months, every Wednesday evening, I was the happiest woman, I felt beautiful and loved. And Maxim all this time was waiting for me to confess everything to my husband. Soon I realized that I was not even going to do this, and again began to live with the former.
Now I am trying to improve relations in the family with my husband, sometimes I really want to tell him everything. But I feel sorry for him, I feel that my husband still adores me. It is impossible to revive the old feelings, no matter how much I want it. When you don’t love a person, it seems that he does everything wrong: he doesn’t hug when we watch our favorite movie in the evening, he doesn’t cut salad like that, he speaks rudely with his daughter. nine0003
Sometimes I want to write or call Maxim. He won't hold me, but he won't let me go either. From time to time, he reminds himself with cool videos in the messenger or resets emoticons with hearts.
For several days I just lie, eat, walk. I'm confused and don't know what to do. Sometimes I take it out on the kids. And in the evenings I can’t fall asleep for a long time: it seems that I don’t live my own life, the circle is closed, and I can’t get out of it. I remember happy days with Maxim and ask myself: why didn’t I tell my husband about us then, why didn’t I file for divorce? I confess that now I do not see the point in life, and if there is a hell, then this is it. nine0003
Cheating is not a sentence for a couple
Julia Romanova, psychologist
The heroine of the story has been married for 11 years. Before falling in love, there was stability in her life. But it is often at this time that one of the brightest and most unexpected crises occurs - the “rebellion of the forties”. Why is this crisis occurring all of a sudden?
Because now is the time to live and rejoice: by this time, everyday problems, as a rule, have been resolved; children have grown up and do not require as much attention as before; in the professional sphere, too, stability and routine often set in. It would seem that this is peace. But some feel exactly what the heroine described: "If there is a hell, then this is it." nine0003
It is during this crisis that infidelity occurs in couples, especially among women. The period when the woman was first pregnant and then a young mother has been successfully completed. Romance, flirting, passion left the relationship with her husband, everything became insipid and predictable. And I want to return the feeling of "butterflies in the stomach."
Someone solves this problem within a couple, and someone chooses a seemingly simple way - to find a lover or mistress. Our heroine went just this way and decided to get dopamine in an easy way. Her lover, apparently, is also experiencing such a crisis (he has been living with a girl for ten years). nine0003
The good news is that this crisis is quite easy to overcome and reach a new level of relationship. How can you help yourself?
Look at your life under a microscope . Pay attention to small details: what your day, week, month consists of. Most likely, you will find that nothing interesting happens in your professional life. You do not develop, you do not try new things, there is no place for self-realization. From this, a deep feeling of dissatisfaction arises, energy is lost. Think about what interesting things you can fill your life with? It can be a hobby, a new training, a change of activity, a promotion. nine0003
Take your photo album and see what path you have traveled with your husband . Think about how good it was. How did you cope with difficulties together, how did you learn to be parents. Remember how your spouse surprised you, how pleased you, how much care did you receive from him? How did he show his feelings for you before and does he do it now?
Imagine that your husband will never be in your life again. Create situations in your imagination when your husband is not near you on New Year's Eve, on your birthday, on your children's birthday. And in a year it will not be, and in three, and in five years. Feel what emotions arise, how your body reacts. nine0003
If you find that you are not ready to leave your husband forever, consider a plan to rehabilitate your relationship. It can be a vacation for two, a date, a romantic dinner, an extreme vacation. We need a portion of new joint emotions, where only you and him. Let this part of life become conscious, pre-planned and very important for you.
Consider a form of personal therapy for yourself . You may want to talk to a professional and tell them about the guilt you feel after cheating. It's probably hard for you to deal with it. That is why you want to tell this story to your husband. It seems to you that it will be easier, but this is an illusion. Often, apart from the huge emotional wound that you inflict on him, and even more discord in the family, this leads to nothing. nine0003
Cheating is not a sentence for a couple. Sometimes relationships are based on loyalty. And then, if betrayal comes, the marriage breaks up. But sometimes a couple is held together by a lot: common interests, values, emotional closeness, trust and support. In this case, treason is just a signal that something needs to be changed. In my experience, many couples have overcome the 40-something riot and have lived long, happy lives.
Psychologist, EMDR therapist, systemic therapist (constellation), coach, federal channels expert, author of therapeutic online courses. nine0003
Text: Marina Smagina
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"I'm afraid to set a bad example for my grandchildren if I divorce their grandfather"
"Everything is not going well in life. Have I been jinxed?"
I don't love my husband, I think about divorce all the time. He says that this is such a period, but I think that this is already the end
I am now in some kind of moral decline. Scrolling through all the events and all my decisions of past years in my head, I understand more and more that this is how everything should have ended, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to accept. nine0003
I am 30 years old, married and our daughter just turned 3 years old. Every day I understand more and more that I do not love my husband and have never loved. To be honest, these thoughts have been in my head for many years, but after the birth of my daughter, I began to understand and feel it more clearly. In three years, there was not a day that I did not think about divorce.
At first, I attributed everything to postpartum depression, to hormones, but then I realized that, probably, I did not have love for this person from the very beginning. There was never passion in our relationship, I did not experience any vivid feelings of love. With Oleg, I was always rather comfortable, calm. He tried to be near me, helped, solved my problems. On his part, there were no beautiful gestures and romantic courtship, Oleg tried to do more, not talk. nine0003
- He cares about you so much, respects you, appreciates you, what else do you need? My friends often told me.
Probably, it was this attitude and his willingness to always be there, responsiveness, attentiveness that bribed me. I responded to him in return, so our relationship began.
My parents liked Oleg very much, now they communicate very well. Mom loves her son-in-law, but that doesn't make it any easier for me.
After the birth of the child, I began to feel that we had become complete strangers to each other, but my husband categorically disagrees with me. I even talked to him once about a divorce, but he was against it. He said that he wants a normal full-fledged family. nine0003
- Maybe you can take a week off with your parents? Probably, you are just tired because of the child - said the husband.
I listened to him, I thought, maybe something really came over me because of everyday life, but no rest and change of scenery helped.
My husband annoys me with almost everything, literally with every word he says, sometimes even just with his presence. I understand that he loves me, provides for me, because of this I feel guilty, but I can’t help myself. nine0003
Recently we had a fight with him over a small thing, I got offended and stopped talking to him. At first I didn’t talk simply because of resentment, and then I realized that I was so comfortable and I didn’t want to talk to him at all. My husband then tried to establish contact and somehow talk to me, but I had no desire to enter into a dialogue with him.
When we are at home together with my daughter, it is happiness for me when my husband comes home from work, I just want to run away somewhere. I even try to go out with the child in the evening for a walk in order to stay longer without him. Ah this same not normal, when in family such relations! nine0003
- Such a good man, but you are doing nonsense - my sister told me when I shared my feelings with her.
After that, I decided that it would be better not to tell anyone about my experiences, they wouldn't understand anyway, and it's also hard to keep everything inside.
- We just have such a period, well, just think, we had a fight, we'll make up. We are a family, my husband told me when I started talking about divorce again.
For him, we may be a family, but in my head we have long been completely strangers. nine0003
I understand that we are just harassing each other. To be more precise, I harass myself and my husband. We have been living as neighbors for a long time, there is nothing between us that could characterize us as a couple. We are family only in documents, we don’t even have so many common topics for conversation, we communicate only when necessary, mainly about our daughter.