I can t trust anyone
10 Possible Reasons Why Can't I Trust Anyone
Do you often feel discomfort when it comes to trusting a person and even ask yourself, “why can’t I trust anyone”?
The inability to trust is a feeling associated with issues or problems we might have faced. Trust is a strong word for everyone, and trusting someone can make us feel vulnerable, but that’s completely normal.
The feeling of “trust” makes you happy and secure.
We live in a society where we deal with many people daily. We build connections, either work-related or personal. In all aspects of our life, we have to, directly and indirectly, put our faith in people. Building trust can help you be more positive toward various aspects of life.
So if you are facing issues on why you can’t trust anyone, there can be multiple reasons.
10 Possible Reasons Why Can’t I Trust Anyone1. Childhood Trauma
Those who suffer trauma are affected by disturbing events or accidents, which are hard for them to cope with. Someone dealing with trauma might feel helpless and lose their mental capacity and ability to express themselves.
Sometimes people also experience trauma in their early childhood, which might have a more severe effect on their personality and can make them prone to depression and anxiety.
Experiencing trauma at an early age can make a person refrain from trusting anyone. They grow into adults, and these traumatic incidents make a home in their heads and affect their mental health adversely.
They stop expressing any emotions and don’t even trust themselves, and start believing that the outside world is dangerous, so they don’t reciprocate to anyone else correctly.
If someone has experienced childhood trauma or any traumatic event, they can take time and process it. Grounding, naming, and sharing it. It is one of the simple ways to deal with trauma in smaller fragments.
Have patience and believe in yourself. Slowly you will allow yourself to trust people.
You might say,’ why do I feel like I can’t trust anyone, but it’s normal. You have to give yourself sufficient time to heal. Till then, trust the process.
2. Unhealthy Relationships
Relationships play a very vital role in our life. Relationships with our family or our partners affect many aspects of our personality. But when we experience unhealthy patterns in these relationships, we face various problems, including trust issues.
Unhealthy relationships with different people may include lies, disrespect, or manipulation.
When a person in a marriage experiences infidelity, they are devastated and may feel alone. Anxiety, depression, increased stress, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are some of the adverse effects of cheating on mental health.
To heal from bad relationships, you need to let yourself feel the pain and be around positive people who will help you through your hard time. Give time to yourself and practice self-care, and never blame yourself.
It’s normal to feel, ‘why can’t I trust but with time, you will surely be in a better place mentally and start trusting people again.
3. Bullying
Being bullied is facing coercion by doing something uncomfortable. A person may be hurt emotionally and physically.
41% of students reported being bullied and also expressed their fears of being bullied again.
When a person makes new friends or lets new people into their life, they hope for respect and good relationship. On the contrary, if they bully them, their trust breaks.
One who is bullied might think that everyone is against them. They are confused about who to trust. Bullying also causes post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Recovering from the effects of being bullied can take a while. Bullying gives you reasons why you shouldn’t trust anyone.
Start by acknowledging and showing compassion to yourself. Then move towards healing, which includes increasing your self-esteem and confidence.
You can achieve this by practicing meditation, yoga, or other self-care activities. The essential thing you need to do is to stop saying negative things to yourself. You may feel, ‘why can’t I trust people but don’t give up. Be proud of yourself for how far you have come. And then, before realizing your trust in yourself and the people around you will start growing.
4. Low Self-esteem
Self-esteem is what we feel about ourselves. It is vital to have healthy self-esteem. Positive self-esteem will help us deal with the problems in our lives in a better way.
If a person lacks confidence or self-love is said to have low self-esteem. Now how does low self-esteem affect trust?
Low self-esteem may make a person have a negative approach towards their life. People stop believing in themselves. They are also worried and keep questioning themselves, ‘why can I not trust anyone?’. Low self-esteem may make them worry about abandonment. It is very normal for them not to trust others.
It is normal to have low self-esteem if one has been through past traumatic events or wasn’t valued by their loved ones.
You can deal with low self-esteem by avoiding negative self-talk, not comparing yourself to others, accepting your flaws, working on your confidence, and practicing some self-care exercises.
Read More: 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem Book Review
5. Mental disorders
Many of us might be facing trust issues. It may be a result of past incidents or present surroundings. But some people might face intense trust issues due to psychological disorders.
Physiological disorder is a dysfunctional behavior that causes distress and is considered different from standard social habits. Some of the psychological disorders that are the cause of trust issues are
1. Personality Disorder:
If a person is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, or paranoid personality disorder, they might face trust issues.
They might be suspicious of people and not trust them without adequate reasons. Sometimes they might feel ‘why do I not trust anyone’ but can’t help it.
2. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD):
Neglect during childhood, abuse, etc., might cause reactive attachment disorder (RAD) as an adult, which makes an individual reluctant to trust anyone or form an emotional bond.
3. Psychosis:
Psychotic Disorders like Schizophrenia creates paranoia, making it hard to trust people.
If you are facing any serious mental issues, don’t worry. Numerous mental health institutions will help you.
Also, Read Top 10 Mental Health Daily Check-In Questions
6. Rejections
Rejections during childhood aslo affect the feeling of trust. It includes constantly being denied being a part of something or not being given importance. Rejections might make a person question their worth, leading to decreased confidence. As a result, sometimes, people emotionally shut themselves down.
It is normal to feel this. By practicing self-acceptance and self-awareness, you can start trusting people around you. Try changing your thought process by shifting negative self-talk to positive affirmations. Stop thinking about ‘why can’t I trust anyone and give time to yourself.
7. Unhealthy attachment:
People are said to have an unhealthy attachment:
- when they abandon their perspective and look solely through their partner’s eyes.
- when they lose the sense of individuality in a relationship
- when they seek out relationships to avoid being alone.
- when they stay in unhealthy relationships.
- when detachment is hard for them, even if the relationship is negatively affecting their life etc.
They have the constant thought,’ why can’t I trust people, and slowly start attaching themselves in a way that will hamper their mental health.
Try giving yourself some alone time. Understand what your pattern of being attached to someone is.
Give your mental health priority. It is not simple to detach from someone, but you should take time to do what’s right for you.
8. Damaged boundaries
Damaging boundaries means knowing and doing anything a person doesn’t like or making them feel guilty about setting a boundary, not respecting their time, space or privacy, or making them feel bad about their choices. Damaging boundaries can affect a person both physically and emotionally. It develops trust issues in them. This can also be a reason for your question,’ why can’t I trust anyone.’
Be with people who value your boundaries or who you can trust your limits with. Continue setting solid boundaries, be confident with your choices, and detach from people unwilling to accept your boundaries. Try opening up whenever you feel uncomfortable.
9. Unhealthy friendships
Sometimes many of us get involved in unhealthy friendships with people who lie behind others’ backs or are very rude and judgmental. In such a case, a person develops a sense of insecurity.
Unhealthy friendships include people who might not keep their promises and leave in a time of need. They take all the support they need but don’t give a shoulder to the other person. They can provide you with all the reasons why you shouldn’t trust anyone.
You can deal with unhealthy friendships by acknowledging that you are in one. Then give yourself space. Open about being uncomfortable with certain activities. Take care of yourself and your mental health.
10. Betrayals
People who face betrayal may experience shock, grief, damaged self-esteem, anxiety disorder, PTSD, depression, and social disconnection. This causes trust issues because a person develops a fear of being emotionally hurt again. They build an emotional wall for themselves and prevent close relationships.
Dealing with betrayal can take a while because opening up about it is not easy, as it is hard to trust anyone again. Try acknowledging your feelings. Let people give you companionship. Tell them that you are questioning yourself, ‘why can’t I trust anyone.
’ They might provide you with advice that might be helpful. Take care of your body.
Takeaway On “Why You Can’t Trust Anyone”:
Understanding the concept of ‘trust’ is very important. Our mental health is also dependent on being able to trust. It makes us feel secure and happy. It keeps our self-esteem high. Being able to trust will keep you satisfied with your life. You will have better relationships with people in your society. Trust is an essential part of your growth.
The first solution to “why can’t I trust anyone” is to understand all the incidents and social experiences you have faced which has led to the build-up of trust issues in you. Try solving them at your own pace. It is normal not to trust anyone blindly. You must build trust for the people who are close to you and love you.
Having all these issues is normal because nowadays, deceiving people is becoming a trend. Not trusting people is a defense mechanism also. There are reasons why you shouldn’t trust anyone blindly.
Sometimes you might avoid any problem if you trust people.
Excess of anything is wrong. Trust but not blindly, but if you have trustworthy people in your life, give them a chance. There are many reasons why you shouldn’t trust anyone you don’t know. Sometimes people might take advantage of you, so it’s normal to be cautious.
To learn more about different psychological disorders, click here.
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The True Meaning of the Phrase, “I don’t trust anyone.”
How would you like to go through life without any meaningful relationships?
If you’re constantly stressed because no one “gets” you, you may be on the fast-track. It’s hard when you want to foster deep connections, but trust holds you back. The good news is life doesn’t have to be this way. The bad news is your issue with others is not so much about them. You may be getting in your own way.
Allow me to explain.
Fresh from graduate school I got a job counseling angry and rebellious teens. Many grew up in the inner city and faced psycho-social stressors such as gang violence, drugs and single-parent households. In an effort to serve as many kids as possible, the chosen therapeutic modality was group counseling to address anger management and social skills. Because I was a rookie, I knew my best bet to understand and help these kids was to listen for themes, AKA, The Big Picture. This was it:
“Man, I don’t trust no one.”
Whether I worked with males or females, this was by far the most common thread, and the most challenging aspect of counseling these kids. As the years and clinical experiences went by, I discovered that not trusting another person would prove to be many a client’s battle.
Relationships are predicated on trust. When you don’t trust others you are depriving yourself of human connection and authentic living.
Perhaps you relate to the inherent difficulty of letting someone in. Maybe you used to feel safe sharing your hopes, dreams, and demons, but not anymore.
Most of us have been burned after letting our guard down. Some recover by shaking off the dust and moving on. Others push so far in the opposite direction, they practically run over those who could be their strongest allies.
Have you ever said the following to yourself or to someone else?:
As counterintuitive as this may seem, “I don’t trust anyone,” really means “I don’t trust myself.”
Back to those unruly teens of my rookie therapy years. During clinical supervision, my mentor Reevah Simon, LCSW, explained that when someone continuously talks about someone else, in reality, they are talking about themselves and their own pain and suffering. And one way to avoid feeling undesirable feelings is to pass them on to another person via projective identification:
Projection is the unconscious act of attributing something inside ourselves to someone else.
Most often, the thing we are projecting is an unwanted emotion or characteristic. So by labeling others as unwanted, out to get you, or insincere, you’re able to avoid feeling those emotions for yourself.
For example, if Sara feels unlovable, she may walk up to John and say, “You’re a loser.” Assuming John didn’t do anything to warrant the name-calling, Sara is projecting her own perceived feelings of unworthiness onto John. In doing so, Sara leaves John “holding the bag” of her anger, frustration, and sadness. She is also not able to see her reality clearly.
Identifying with the projections of others means losing your ability to trust your own perceptions, views, thoughts, and feelings. You lack the ability to understand your inner world. A hallmark of being able to trust one’s self is to form effective boundaries when you’re subjected to others’ projections.
At a deeper level this lack of trust in others represents an immature ego that hasn’t developed resilience and frustration tolerance.
Of course, if you were raised with unsupportive and dismissive caretakers, it’s easy to see why trust is an issue. Why would you trust anyone if your own feelings weren’t validated as a child? Lacking this foundation you expect others will let you down and not keep their word. After all, if parents and caretakers—the very people who are supposed to love us unconditionally—betrayed us, why wouldn’t other people?
The danger of expecting to be continuously rejected is that your ingrained and automatic thoughts result in behaviors guaranteed to get a negative reaction from others. Then, when you’re all alone, you can continue to blame society for being so wretched.
And this is what tripped up my young counseling charges back in the day. Because they didn’t trust in their own abilities to overcome painful emotions, they remained stuck. While they half-believed their blustery claims of not needing anyone, they unwittingly experienced more mistreatment from others wp themes due to their rigid ways of thinking and behaving.
Worse, some of these kids were exceptionally smart and talented. Their incessant hyper-vigilance and withholding personalities hurt others too, as their unique gifts and contributions went unshared.
We are wired to connect. And when you’re cut off from others, you’re cut off from the most important relationship of all — the relationship with yourself.
1. Recognize we’re all comprised of “good” and “bad” parts. In other words, humans are flawed beings.
2. Accept your dark, unsavory, and primitive parts. Change what you can, and accept that you will never be fully evolved.
3. Work on tolerating strong, intense emotions like distress, hostility, rejection, intimacy, and love.
4. Be conscious of projecting those feelings because you don’t want to deal with them.
5. Leave your past betrayals behind. Resist the urge to dwell on those who have wronged you, and refuse to let these experiences get in the way of fostering healthy relationships now.
6. Manage time. Trust means suspending instant gratification. While waiting for a call, a job offer, a favor, or an answer, lean into the downtime. Instead of defaulting to controlled substances, incessantly texting another person, or going into panic mode, find healthy ways to keep your mind occupied.
7. Know that the world is basically a safe place, and believe in the inherent goodwill of others.
8. Learn to accept that when someone betrays or compromises your trust, you can withstand uncomfortable feelings of rage, rejection, hurt, and uncertainty. You will not fall apart and self-destruct because you haven’t thus far.
9. Forgive yourself for projecting onto others and for lashing out. We’ve all been there, done that.
10. Realize others cannot “get” you if you don’t get yourself.
11. Change your thinking. This badass article about cognitive-behavioral therapy will help you understand how your unhealthy thoughts contribute to, “OMG! How did I end up in this situation…again!?” so you can stop those unwanted behaviors, once and for all.
Is this hard work?
You bet. Who wants to face their ugly side? In an ideal world, everyone. The first step in experiencing healthy, thriving relationships is learning to contain our unwanted feelings, and not project them onto someone else.
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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Welcome to Wired for Happy, a home for psychologically curious people. If you've ever felt like your mind has a mind of its own, this site is for you. I’m Linda Esposito, the author and psychotherapist of the site.
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"I don't trust anyone." What is the trauma of rejection and how to get rid of it
From childhood I felt my uselessness and unimportance. Coming home from work, my father immediately went for a walk with me. Mother later told me that I often cried, screamed and interfered with his relatives, with whom we lived, and therefore he walked with me a lot. I grew up as a very active child, I always gathered around me children from the nearest yards. At the age of four, my younger sister was already left behind. At the same time, I constantly heard from my parents: “don’t interfere”, “be quiet”, “move away” or “do something already”. At the age of five, as a punishment for some misconduct, my parents threatened to send me to an orphanage. In the evening, my father put a fur coat on me and said: “We have another girl, but we don’t need this one.
We will send you to an orphanage." The mother sat next to the younger sister in confirmation of his words. I was very scared, asked for forgiveness and promised to be good and obedient.
At school, I was active and participated in everything possible, until the moment they introduced an experimental curriculum. I was in the sixth grade, and the teachers decided that our class could not cope, they considered it lagging behind. This hit my mother's ego and she transferred me to another class. New classmates did not accept me: for a couple of years they reminded me that I was from a lagging class and that’s where I belong, although I had normal academic performance. At the same time, my former classmates also rejected me. One of them asked me why I moved to another class. I answered the same as the teachers said: “The class is weak, it won’t cope with the program” - and they turned away from me. I was left alone, without friends. I really wanted to communicate, and I tried in every possible way to deserve it.
I adapted to others: with very smart ones I made a fool out of myself, with tears I was a tear. If it was possible to make friends with someone, she behaved in a way that was convenient for this person, afraid to be alone again.
There was no support from my parents - my feelings never bothered them. They never said they loved me, never hugged me. In my family, it was generally not customary to talk about feelings. All I had to do was get good grades and not think about anything else. At the same time, I was always told that I can’t do anything, I can’t, I’m not capable of anything. My mother said that no one would need me and no one would love me. She was often told that such an energetic girl should be given, for example, to dance (I was not opposed, but who was interested in my desires?), But she perceived this differently: she is taught how to curb a child who is too much, so I should become inconspicuous. Mother was always ashamed of me, and these conversations about me were unbearable to her.
If suddenly she was told something bad about me or I did something that she did not like (and she did not like 95% of what I do), she said that she would have killed me in the womb and that she cursed my birthday. Often this was accompanied by beatings, punishments (for example, a month without walks) and prolonged neglect. My father did not intervene and did not protect me. He always told me to be patient and be quiet. After some time, my parents separated, and my father almost disappeared from my life. Once, when my mother brought me down, I asked: “Did you even want me?” She laughed and replied, “No. Your father and I were just fucking under the fence.”
In my adult life, all this resulted in the fact that it is very difficult for me to enter into relationships with people - this applies to work, and friendship, and personal relationships. I am looking for someone who will love and accept me, and I am always afraid that they will drive me away, they will say that I am worthless.
I am waiting for an assessment, confirmation that I can be / live, that they will tell me: “You are needed, you do not interfere, you suit me.” I always think I'm not doing enough or not good enough. Previously, I could not take and demand my own, to enter into conflict. I was afraid to express my opinion, because as a child I heard from my mother: “Who are you? You have to listen to others who are more important, smarter and better.” I could endure discontent for a long time, and then it poured into hysterics.
I used to fall for any man who looked at me, and I was taken advantage of. Once, in an attempt to escape from my mother, I almost got married. This man and I constantly fought, as is usually the case in codependent couples. He was drinking. By coincidence, the wedding had to be cancelled. In the end we, fortunately, broke up. Now I just avoid relationships.
Now I live with my mother, but we do not communicate. Father doesn't call. Once every six months I run to him for five minutes for tea.
We don’t talk much: he doesn’t need the details of my life, and I gradually stop looking for his care and protection.
A person who has had a lot of abuse in his life believes for a long time that he is useless and useless. But when I decided to work on it, I began to meet people who showed me that they need me and do not interfere, and one of them led me to a psychologist. Now, in addition to psychotherapy, I am engaged in spiritual practices and receive a psychological education. I have no illusions that I will forever get rid of the trauma of rejection. It is too deep in me and I think it happened in the perinatal period. I am glad that I can trace it, I know how it manifests itself. I learned to live with it and give people the right to choose not me and not take it personally. I learned to say to myself: “I am always with you, I love you, I need you, you are the most precious thing I have, and I will not leave you.”
I don't trust anyone | PSYCHOLOGIES
82,670
Know Yourself
Some people tend to trust others until they have solid evidence of their unreliability and insincerity.
Others choose to be wary from the start. Both are perfectly normal: incredulity can protect the human psyche from strong shocks associated with disappointments and deceit.
“However, it happens that this defense is generalized, that is, it begins to manifest itself always and indiscriminately,” says cognitive psychologist and psychotherapist Alexei Lunkov. “Then distrust no longer protects a person, but controls him, dooming him to loneliness and isolation.” Distrust can develop into a social phobia that prevents a person from not only starting a relationship, but also simply leaving the house.
Incredulity is inherited
The tendency to be incredulous usually begins in childhood. Children are completely dependent on adults and are simply forced to trust them. However, as soon as the mother hesitates a little and does not immediately respond to the call, the child begins to suspect her of a lack of love for him. Angry at his mother, he attributes his own irritation to her, laying the ground for future mistrust.
The Austro-German psychoanalyst Melanie Klein, who first investigated this phenomenon, believed that such experiences are natural, unless they subjugate the entire emotional life of the child. Having matured, he will be able to calmly accept the duality of his attitude towards others: he will learn to put up with the fact that a momentary suspicion of a loved one does not at all exclude trust and love for him.
Parents should be careful: their own fears, especially those expressed too emotionally, can reinforce the child's natural tendency to distrust. “Don’t get too carried away with warnings like “Don’t trust everyone,” Aleksey Lunkov warns. - Of course, for the safety of the child, such recommendations are necessary, but they must be voiced calmly, avoiding frightening wording. It is better to say: "Be careful when you communicate with strangers", "Try to be careful."
“I thought I was deceived”
Pavel, 34, deputy director of the company
“My problem is that I double-check everything ten times, I can't rely on anyone.
This pathological distrust spoils the life of myself and my loved ones. I went to a psychotherapist and he helped me figure out the origins of the problem. When I was 10 years old, I was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I was very scared, and the young doctor kept saying: “Don’t be afraid, baby, everything will be fine!” The operation was unsuccessful, I miraculously survived, and the words of the surgeon were remembered as a cruel deception.
Now I'm trying to realize that it was an isolated case, and not at all a consequence of some immutable law of being. I am taking a course of body-oriented therapy. Making simple gestures, for example, reaching out to another person, meeting and seeing him off with a movement of my head, I learn anew to open up to people, to trust them.
Excessive idealism
Already in adulthood, total incredulity can arise on the basis of one’s own unpleasant experience: a colleague set me up, an old friend betrayed, a loved one deceived .
.. “Those who idealize relations between people and live in captivity of their illusions are too distrustful” , - says Alexey Lunkov.
Excessively demanding of others, they perceive any mistake as a betrayal. Negative experience leads them to unfair global generalizations: "He left me, which means that all men are scoundrels." Sometimes distrust can become an obsession: "No one is worthy of my trust - there are only enemies around." However, by blaming others, we often unconsciously try to avoid unpleasant thoughts about our own imperfection.
“Relationships with another person are always a risk,” Alexey Lunkov continues. - The first impression will change, and our feelings will have to pass a serious test of strength. But in order to realize and accept this risk, self-confidence is necessary, otherwise any failure will become a reason for despair. Consistent rejection of close relationships, a priori confidence that we are surrounded by only envious and ill-wishers, as a rule, testify to one thing: we simply do not have enough faith in ourselves.
What to do?
Determine the cause
Unwillingness to trust people is often associated with our painful experience. Having restored it in detail in memory, we will understand that the danger came from one particular person who really abused our trust in the past, and not at all from all people in principle.
Recall the positive experience
In the life of each of us there were real friends, allies, like-minded people. Remembering the good, you will see the relativity of any assessment: not everyone you meet is necessarily an envious person or a villain, and you yourself are not at all doomed to the role of a victim.
Be realistic
Not all men think only about sex, not all women only want money, not all bosses are soulless exploiters... Get rid of prejudice and give another chance to show their best side. Perhaps a person who is not able to keep other people's secrets will turn out to be a good worker or an excellent adviser.
Do not start with accusations
It happens that a person betrays your trust.
But is he always aware of the harm that his act has done to you? Instead of immediately accusing him of bad intentions, it is better to speak frankly with him. Did he give out the secret on purpose? Does he realize that his constant lateness causes you inconvenience? Trust is born in dialogue.
Advice to those around you
It is useless to prove to an incredulous person that you are not going to deceive him. Even if by some miracle you manage to convince him of the purity of your intentions, the slightest wrong step - and in his eyes you will turn out to be the worst of deceivers. At the same time, ignoring this person's inherent hypersensitivity to other people's forgetfulness or optionality, you will only strengthen his low opinion of people.
You should not count on the fact that, thanks to communication with you, a distrustful person will get used to the imperfections of others and will gradually learn to respond more flexibly and adequately. The only way to overcome his suspiciousness is each time to kindly and as convincingly as possible explain the true motives of your actions that upset him so much.
