Home » Misc » How to stay friends with an ex boyfriend

How to stay friends with an ex boyfriend


How To Be Friends With Your Ex: Tips & Everything To Consider

Is it a good idea to be friends with your ex?

Yes, it's absolutely possible to be friends with your ex. Whether it's a good idea will depend on the situation and the people involved. Some people are able to have healthy, positive relationships with their exes without any difficulty or complications, whereas others find that trying to stay friends ends up being unnecessarily messy or even painful.

According to licensed marriage therapist Weena Cullins, LCMFT, sometimes two people find they don't work as romantic partners, but there are aspects of their relationship that are still valuable and can be healthily maintained through a friendship.

"Being friends with your ex can be a good idea when other aspects of the relationship were valuable to your growth, development, or life goals," she explains. "If you and your ex identify that you make better business partners, workout buddies, or friends, and you are able to maintain healthy boundaries with each other, then creating an authentic friendship could work. "

She adds that it can be especially beneficial if you and your ex have children together. Though she says friendships aren't necessary for successful co-parenting, it may create an easier environment for both the parents and the kids. "It can also provide increased flexibility with managing schedules, discipline issues, and the general flow of information."

That said, being friends with an ex can sometimes make it harder to successfully move on from the relationship if there are still lingering romantic feelings for each other or if tension arises when you both start dating other people.

Advertisement

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

When you can stay friends with an ex:

  • You've taken time to process and accept the end of the romantic relationship.
  • You both have accepted that the relationship is really over (and understand why it happened).
  • You feel like you have emotionally moved on from the relationship, and your ex has, too.
  • You no longer have romantic feelings for each other or want to be in a romantic relationship.
  • Your relationship to each other no longer feels emotionally charged; it feels similar energetically to your other friendships.
  • Both you and your ex can spend time together without it feeling painful, tense, distracting, or inappropriately intimate.
  • You no longer feel attached to, dependent on, or "partnered" with one another. You both have fully separate, independent, private lives.
  • You're both able to maintain appropriate boundaries and manage nostalgic feelings that may come up without falling fully into them.
  • You both feel totally comfortable and happy dating other people, and you authentically want that for each other, too.
  • You have kids together or are in each other's social or professional orbits in some way, and you need to maintain some level of interaction with each other.
  • The friendship adds something positive to both of your lives, whether that's fun, companionship, collaboration, or practicality.

When to cut ties:

  • You're secretly hoping you'll get back together.
  • You still have romantic feelings for your ex, and you're having trouble moving on.
  • You sense (or know) that your ex is not fully over you.
  • You're holding on because you can't imagine dating anyone else or having as strong a connection with anyone else ever again.
  • You're holding on because you are scared or unwilling to untangle your lives from one another and start to live independently.
  • You're holding on because you feel guilty for ending the relationship or feel like you "owe" them your attention in some way.
  • Your ex is occupying your time, energy, or headspace, and it's affecting your ability to date other people or be present in other parts of your life.
  • The idea of them dating someone else makes you feel jealous, uneasy, or upset.
  • Talking to them or spending time together feels painful, tense, distracting, or inappropriately intimate.
  • The friendship feels one-sided, draining, or otherwise unhealthy.
  • You're having trouble maintaining boundaries and keep slipping into old habits from when you were dating.
  •  It just doesn't feel good being friends with them.
Advertisement

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

Remember, just because you decide to go no-contact for the time being doesn't mean you can't still care about each other and eventually come together again in the future to nurture a new friendship. Sometimes you just need a little space first.

Can you be friends with an ex you still love?

It's hard to be friends with an ex you still love, but it's possible. For some people, love isn't something that they ever really "take back," even after a romantic relationship has ended. They may continue to love and care deeply about their former partners, though those feelings are no longer tied up with wanting to continue dating. As long as you wholeheartedly accept that the relationship is over and are actively moving on with your life, you can still maintain a friendship with an ex you love.

That said, if the love you have for your ex still feels intense, hot, emotional, or wistful, staying friends may make it hard for you to let go of the relationship and fully move on.

Advertisement

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

How long should you wait after the breakup?

There's no set timeline for how long it takes to get over a breakup. For some people, it takes just a few weeks or months, while for others, it can take years. It's important for both people to feel like they've moved on—or are in the process of doing so successfully—before trying to be friends. The friendship shouldn't hinder either person's ability to move on; if it is, it's likely too soon to be in contact.

Setting boundaries with your ex.

It's important to set boundaries with your ex, whether or not you intend to stay friends. Those boundaries may include physical, emotional, time, or energetic boundaries. It's up to each of you to decide what boundaries you need in place to be able to stay friends without it becoming messy, painful, or sliding back into romantic territory.

You may want to consider:

  • How often you communicate with each other
  • How much you emotionally rely on each other
  • How much information you share about your personal lives
  • Whether you're going to share information about your dating lives or new partners
  • Whether you feel comfortable spending time alone together or prefer group hangouts only
  • What level of friendliness is comfortable when you see each other in person
  • How much time or energy you each expect from one another
Advertisement

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

As for physical boundaries, some people feel fine with sharing physical intimacy with their exes—including having casual sex—but that varies widely depending on the people and the context. Cullins warns that having a sexual relationship with an ex often blurs the lines dramatically, but it is possible if you both come to an agreement to be friends with benefits with truly no expectations or strings attached.

The key, says Cullins, is making sure that any relationship you have with your ex isn't getting in the way of your ability to move on and (if it's what you want) potentially connect with other people. 

"If you discover that you or your ex are unable to maintain boundaries with each other, then you should cut ties," Cullins says. "If you truly want to move on and find that your ex is still occupying the romantic space that your future partner should have access to, then it's a good idea to cut things off completely with your ex."

Tips for making it work:

1.

Give it time.

Don't try to rush into a friendship you're not ready for. You'll probably need at least a little time and space immediately after the breakup before you can start trying to be friends with your ex. "There has to be enough distance between the old romantic partnership and the new friendship you are trying to build," Cullins explains.

2.

Make sure you're actually over each other.

The key to making a friendship with an ex work is making sure you're both actually over each other. Pay attention to how you feel when you're around your ex—is the energy charged or tense? Is there a certain pull or attraction between you? Are you feeling a rush of butterflies or a wash of sadness when you see their name appear in your texts? Does the idea of them dating someone new fill you with dread? Those are all signs that there may still be feelings there.

Likewise, make sure you're taking seriously any mixed signals or signs that your ex is pretending to be over you. As licensed therapist Ken Page, LCSW, recently told mbg, sometimes people lie to their exes—or to themselves—about how "OK" they are with the breakup, in part because they're just trying to rush the process of moving on. "We want to be resilient," he explains, but it's important to be emotionally honest with ourselves about where we truly are in the stages of getting over a breakup.

3.

Make sure your relationship is truly different now that you're not dating.

"Many exes make the mistake of letting the friendship resemble the romantic relationship too closely. This usually doesn't work in the long run," Cullins says.

Your friendship should not be identical to your former relationship. There should be differences in your dynamic in terms of how integrated your lives are, how much you rely on each other, and how much intimacy you share. If your relationship is pretty much the same as before you broke up, then did you actually break up? Remember: Relationships without labels are still relationships.

4.

Only engage as much as it feels good for both of you.

Friendships should feel good. There's no reason to maintain a friendship with your ex if it isn't actually serving you or adding something positive to your life. If the main feeling you feel whenever you interact with your ex is dread, exhaustion, heartache, or just confusion, you don't need to continue going along with it just because they're your ex. (And an ex who keeps reappearing in your life and drawing you back into their orbit against your will is hoovering you—and that's grounds for just totally cutting things off.)

5.

Accept when you need more space.

While it's definitely possible for exes to be friends, for some people and some situations it just doesn't work.

"Be objective about any cues you notice that indicate that a friendship isn't possible," Cullins says. "For example, if one or both of you become jealous when the other begins dating someone new, then there may not be enough separation between the old relationship and the friendship. "

It's OK to decide you need to take a step back if you realize that it's too emotionally complicated to maintain a friendship with your ex. You can gently explain that you'd like to take some more time and space, whether for now or for the foreseeable future. You can wish each other well and express that you care about your ex, even as you name your need for space and end the friendship.

And remember, even if you're not actively staying "friends" per se, you can still—and should—be cordial and kind to one another anytime your paths do cross. You don't need to actively maintain a friendship with one another to still be caring toward each other.

5 ways to keep it amicable

Kate Daly is co-founder of Amicable, a lawyer-free online divorce service that has helped thousands of couples ‘untie the knot’ without acrimony, expense or tension.

It can be upsetting letting someone go. The person who was, in some cases, the most significant person in your life can quickly become a stranger, and there’s a part of you that wishes you could salvage parts of the relationship.

Melinda and Bill Gates made headlines last week after announcing the break-up of their 27-year marriage. The Gates are completely entwined in each other’s lives, and their decision to divorce affects not only their children, but also their partners in philanthropy, healthcare and business.

Their intention is to remain on friendly terms, prompting many to ask the age-old question - is is possible to build a friendship with an ex? Former couples quite often jointly own properties, run businesses and have children together, so keeping things civil is often essential for many navigating separation and co-parenting. Most people think it’s not possible to remain on good terms, but having helped thousands of couples separate amicably, I have seen many clients successfully shift from ‘relationship’ to ‘friendship’ status. One recently told me that “we’re better friends now than when we were married”.

So, how have these couples managed to stay friends? What are the key strategies? Here are some key tips that I’ve seen work in practice.

Sarah Jessica Parker and Thomas Haden Church in 'Divorce'. Image: Rex

1.Establish your motives for the friendship

Sadly, some breakups are a one-way decision. If you were left heart-broken when your relationship ended, it’s crucial to consider why being friends with your ex is important to you. Is it because you hope to re-kindle the relationship for companionship on a cold winter’s evening, or because you genuinely want a platonic friendship with your ex? The end of a relationship can be hard but trying to foster a friendship with an ex you still have feelings for can result in more heart break.

2. Time heals

It’s important to give yourself and your ex time to heal after the breakdown of your relationship, especially if you hope to have a happy friendship with them. In my role as a divorce coach, you see people who need much more time to heal than others and it’s important you and your ex respect this within the couple. Also, remember that just because you and your ex aren’t immediately best friends after the break-up, it doesn't mean you won’t become friends in the future. Many of my customers’ friendships with their ex have developed and grown over time. Try not to force your ex into a friendship if they’re not entirely ready. This will also help to ensure that one person isn’t left making all the effort and creating an imbalance.

Bill and Melinda Gates

Frederic Stevens

3. Reset boundaries through appropriate communication

Couples separating are essentially entering a new relationship, and it’s important to remember this requires establishing new boundaries. We tend to advise that people should avoid meeting up with an ex in a romantic setting – no late-night dinners or dimly lit cocktail bars. Instead, a lot of ex-couples who are establishing a friendship opt for Sunday morning walks or coffee catch-ups in new locations. Changing how and where you and your ex interact will help to build a platonic friendship.

It’s also important to reassess how you communicate with each other. If children are involved considered using a co-parenting platform or app where co-parents can message each other, via the app, about childcare arrangements and also access a shared calendar. This will stop you from falling back into old, messaging habits that may be similar to when you were in a relationship with each other. It also helps to ensure your children and their needs are put first, as it’s likely the transition from relationship to friendship may not be smooth sailing initially.

4. Pick your battles

For many ex-couples, arguments and bickering were a part of the relationship. However, to allow a new friendship to blossom with your ex you need to be prepared to let the little things go. There is no need to sweat the small stuff - arguments and tit-for-tat behaviour should be avoided to have a good friendship. If you feel yourself starting to get frustrated at your ex’s habits, agree to have a little time apart and revisit those boundaries you’ve set, so you can better appreciate the time you do spend together.

5. Remember respect, dignity and grace

Regardless of whether they’re an ex of a few months or an ex you were married to for 30 years and have three children with, ensure you treat them and the friendship with respect, dignity and grace – advice I’ve given to all my divorce customers. Everyone has different ideas of how a friendship with an ex will look, but just remember these three behaviours will help to build a long-lasting friendship with an ex-partner. It will also lay a solid, platonic foundation with future romantic partners.

Related Story
  • 9 unexpected great things about life post-divorce

In need of some at-home inspiration? Sign up to our free weekly newsletter for skincare and self-care, the latest cultural hits to read and download, and the little luxuries that make staying in so much more satisfying.

SIGN UP

Plus, sign up here to get Harper’s Bazaar magazine delivered straight to your door.

SIGN UP

How to remain friends after a breakup: 3 rules

14,418

Man and woman A man among people

1. Separate with dignity

on the individual, to humiliate and insult each other. Remember that words spoken in anger most often do not reflect your true thoughts. Most likely, you just want to hurt each other, but you should not do this.

  • It is better to prepare for parting in advance by thinking through your conversation. This will help you avoid unnecessary negative emotions and convey information more clearly.
  • Be sincere. If you are bored with relationships, you have fallen out of love with your partner and do not want to take steps to revive long-forgotten feelings, tell him honestly about it. Do not come up with other reasons, even if you betrayed your partner or cheated on him. When passions subside, your honesty will be appreciated. At a minimum, the partner will not blame himself for the breakup of the relationship.
  • Talk only about your feelings, avoiding accusatory intonations. For example: “Your mother bothered me with frequent visits. You don't defend me in front of her. So our breakup is your fault” would be better replaced with “I feel depressed because your mother is interfering in our lives. I can't deal with it, so I want to break up."

    • 2.Take a break before reconnecting

    Remember how Liz Gilbert from Eat Pray Love took a divorce? It was incredible stress, she hated her husband and the time spent with him. What happened when Liz spent a year without him? She realized that she was grateful to the former and had the warmest feelings for him.

    Likewise, in order to get used to the idea of ​​parting, you need to distance yourself from reminders of your former partner for some time:

    • Block him on social networks. Agree with your partner that for some time you will be blocked from each other, for example, on Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia). This will help you start a new life and maintain a profile without relying on the opinion of an ex-boyfriend. And more importantly, he won't let you follow his life.
    • Take the time previously allotted for your partner. For example, you are used to spending weekends together: ordering pizza, watching a movie, or doing a common hobby. Now you have to figure out how to entertain yourself during this time. Spend time with friends, go shopping or go to a club. Have you ever dreamed of learning French? Now is the time to start!
    • Take a trip. It is not necessary to organize a vacation for several months - even the slightest change of scenery will help you reboot and distract yourself from gloomy thoughts. Go camping with friends or spend time alone at a popular resort.

    3. Leave the past in the past

    It takes a lot of effort to move from romantic relationships to friendships. To do this, you need to forget about what happened before, and start everything from scratch.

    • If you are going to see each other, then do not go to places that are associated with romantic memories. Thinking that you celebrated your anniversary at that table and were happy can greatly interfere with your friendship.
    • Be honest with yourself. If you still have feelings - do not even try to seek friendship with a former partner. At every fleeting meeting, you will hope for a renewal of the relationship, and this is hardly a good idea.
    • Avoid flirting, intimacy and talking about it. A fleeting affair with a new friend may not lead to unpleasant emotional consequences. A completely different thing is intimacy with a former partner. She can revive the relationship, thus canceling out your attempts to move on.
    • Remember the good times in your relationship. “Forget about what happened before” does not mean that you need to forget absolutely everything. For example, your partner cheated on you. But once you had love, you did a lot for each other - is it right to forget about it, focusing on the bad? To start a new life, you need to forgive your ex and understand that you are not perfect either.

    In any case, the main thing is that both parties contribute to the separation. Do not waste your life on resentment and revenge on your ex-partner. Forget about the bad and move on - you need it more than anyone else.

    Text: Kristina Kalugina Photo source: Getty Images

    New on the site in Moscow in March: 5 ideas for new experiences

    How dislike for the body appears: 3 non-obvious reasons - explanation of a fitness trainer

    “Men reduce all conversations to the topic of sex. Is it with them or is there something wrong with me?

    “I dream of schizophrenia, I want to be crazy, I want to be weird”

    Maintaining and improving relationships: scientists named the most effective strategies

    “What is gender equality if women and men are different?”: 10 stupid questions for a feminist with the former. Is it possible to remain friends after a relationship?

    The dating app Badoo tried to figure this out and prepared some helpful tips on their blog The Truth.

    No matter how much Hollywood films tell us that true love is the most beautiful feeling in the world that can overcome any obstacles, the reality looks a little different. Even the most harmonious relationships do not develop along a linear trajectory. They go through their ups and downs, which ultimately lead to two opposite endings - the same unconditional love and acceptance of a partner ("and they lived happily ever after") or a natural parting. However, in some cases, couples choose the third way: they put an end to their love story, but agree to remain friends. Or at least they are trying to.

    The desire to maintain friendship with a former lover is quite natural from the point of view of psychology. “A breakup can be more painful than the worst loss,” says relationship expert Miles Pulver. - When someone dies, he disappears from your life forever, and the former partner continues to live and even enter into new relationships. You have to deal with the bitterness of the loss as you watch him move on without you." Such stress, mixed with an existential fear of loneliness, is very difficult to survive. In addition, “each of us has a well-formed attachment system,” explains Miles Pulver. “It means that we instinctively want to stay close to [close] people and resist separation.”

    Examples of friendship with former partners can be found even among celebrities. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow and musician Chris Martin claim that after a conscious separation, they "became closer than ever before": they introduce each other to new lovers and even sometimes travel together. And Irina Shayk and Bradley Cooper decided to remain friends for the sake of their common daughter. Just like when they were romantically involved, they have family lunches and raise a child together.

    So maybe there is nothing wrong with maintaining friendly contact with a former lover? And Erich Maria Remarque was very mistaken when he wrote that “the most correct thing to do when parting is to leave”?

    “The idea of ​​staying friends with an ex makes perfect sense under certain circumstances,” says relationship expert Jonathan Bennett. “Given the fact that many breakups are filled with drama and disagreement, maintaining friendships can be a sign of maturity in partners.” However, this does not mean that such a solution will be correct for all couples. “If there are still feelings between you or unresolved issues, then this [attempted friendship] can be a gateway to an old relationship,” he adds. “Many people stay friends with exes just because they hope to rekindle their romantic relationship.” Such partners run the risk of falling into an endless cycle of partings and reunions for a long time. And it can be a much more traumatic experience than the final breakup.

    How do you know it's better not to be friends with your ex?

    Psychotherapist and author of The Breakup Bible, Rachel Sussman, is convinced that if the relationship itself was unhealthy (in which there was emotional or physical abuse), then all contact with the former partner should be cut off. An attempt at friendship with him will be filled with manipulation and quarrels, and may also be harmful to your health. After all, if a person is characterized by certain patterns of behavior, then he will reproduce them in any relationship - both romantic and friendly.

    It is also dangerous to remain friends with an ex-partner with whom the relationship was built only on physical attraction. “If there was a strong connection between you, an affair with a rich sex life, then how can you make friends with this person? Rachel Sussman says “The chemistry never disappears.” Most likely, if you continue to communicate, then at some point you will again find yourself in the same bed. So, before you get involved in such an adventure, you should honestly answer yourself the question: are you aware of all the consequences of a relationship in the status of "friends with privileges"? Are you ready to let go of your ex when he has an official girlfriend (not you)?

    And, finally, a situation where too little time has passed after parting is considered a serious contraindication to friendship. According to Susan Elliott, author of How to Get Over a Breakup, it's a good idea to take a six-month timeout before reconnecting (the amount of time may vary depending on the seriousness of the relationship and how it ended). “You need time to be apart and re-enter the world as a single person,” he explains.

    After the end of a relationship, you are still emotionally vulnerable to your former partner. Therefore, before you offer him friendship, you should make sure that you stand firmly on your own feet (and do not rely on joint memories as a crutch). Use this timeout wisely. According to a study published in 2013 in PLOS One, “breakup distress can act as a catalyst for personal growth,” and avoiding it slows development.

    When is it a good idea to be friends with an ex?

    Most psychologists agree that having children together is a great reason to try to maintain a warm relationship with an ex-lover. If for both of you the well-being of the child is in the first place, then there should be no problems with friendship. In addition, partners whose romantic relationship was short and / or initially "grew" out of friendship have excellent prospects for continuing communication in a new format.

    Katya Butko (entrepreneur and blogger)

    “My ex-boyfriend was American, I wanted to get a visa and move in with him, but due to political nuances, this was not possible. After six months of virtual communication, we realized that long-distance relationships do not work. Each of us wanted to live our own life. But we felt that we were very close in spirit, so we decided to remain friends. Four years have passed since that moment (that is, we have been friends much longer than we ever met). We understand and support each other. I am very glad that this person is present in my life. ”In general, there are three main indicators that indicate that you can remain friends with an ex: honesty, the absence of unresolved conflicts, and respect for personal boundaries.

    That is, both parties realize that the romantic relationship between them has exhausted itself, and there is no point in returning to them. They hold no grudges and are ready to move forward in ways independent of each other. Therefore, their desire to resume communication cannot be dictated by painful dependence on the past or a sense of their own inferiority without a former lover. They become friends because they trust each other and share common interests. They are still interested in talking and spending time together, but each of them understands that they are no longer "priority number one" in the life of the other.

    "It's worth being friends as long as there are clear boundaries and respect is shown," says licensed family therapist Racine Henry. And this is a very important point that should be discussed in advance. For example, reasonable boundaries might look like this: “Let's not text and call every day so as not to interfere with each other to go about our own lives. From time to time, we may have dinners together, trips to nature, or trips to the cinema, but not on a regular basis. You can count on my support in difficult situations, because I sincerely want to be your friend. But I must ask you to be understanding that I can no longer rush to meet you if for this I have to abandon my own plans or sacrifice new relationships.

    Let's be honest, building such a friendship can be even more difficult than a romantic relationship. But if you and your ex-lover are ready to make an effort to make everything work out, you have every chance of becoming great friends!

    Is it feasible in practice? In order to find out, we spoke to bloggers who honestly told us about their attempts to stay on friendly terms with those they once loved.

    Liza Mikhaleva (creator and DJ)

    My ex-partner and I were just friends for a year, and then we accidentally fell in love and started dating. These were the healthiest relationships in my life, which seemed to develop according to the most favorable scenario “out of the book”. Immediately after we met, we felt that we like each other. We even wanted to sleep right away, but this did not happen. And now I understand that it was right. After all, if we had been in bed then, we would not have been able to build a sincere and strong foundation for relationships.

    I loved and still love my ex-partner as a person. This is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. I admire his openness - to communication, new impressions, perception of views alien to him, and indeed to everything. There was not a single thing that we could not discuss or decide. And with him, I could be a real me. I loved how unexpectedly he complemented me and how I grew as a person with him. For almost a year and a half of our relationship, we never quarreled.

    But suddenly a pandemic began. He stayed in England, and I returned to Russia. It was as if we lived in parallel Universes: while my partner spent all his time at home - studying and talking with neighbors - I found a new job, moved to the center of Moscow, grew up as a DJ and created a queer party. For the past few months, I have been working a lot, I didn’t even have enough time to communicate with my parents. What can we say about telephone conversations with a partner, with whom we were separated by different rhythms of life and three time zones.

    Communication became difficult. In addition, the date of our reunion was constantly postponed. It seemed to me that I was confused in my feelings for a partner, which were dulled due to long-distance relationships. I discussed this with a psychologist and realized that we needed to see him in order to clarify the situation. Also, during therapy, I realized that my priorities had changed: work and self-development in Moscow became more important than these relationships.

    Healthy communication has always been the highlight of our relationship, so I decided to be honest about my experiences with my partner. I was afraid of losing him, so I put off this difficult conversation for a long time. When I made up my mind, I had no thoughts about parting. I was hoping we could find a solution, as usual. Maybe take a break. But after listening to me, my partner said that we had better break up; otherwise it will be unfair to both of us - I will feel obligated to communicate with him (and guilty if I do not), and he will be uncomfortable from this. Plus it would give me a chance to think about my feelings without pressure.

    It was hard for me to believe in the reality of what was happening, I even clarified: “Are we breaking up now?” I really didn't expect this. We immediately discussed that we did not want to go down the toxic path of parting with the hate, blocking on social networks, the inability to contact each other. I said that I was ready to continue communication, but the former partner marked the boundaries - now he cannot be my best friend. He needs time. Despite this, at any moment we can write to each other, arrange a conversation. It's cool, of course. It was hard to imagine the end of our relationship otherwise. Once again, I was convinced that we really appreciate each other, we are always ready to provide support and listen.

    I don't know what's next. We do not exclude the possibility of a reunion, a new format of relations or friendship. Everything will depend on further communication and, most importantly, the upcoming personal meeting.

    Maya Klugman (gastro-enthusiast and author of the telegram channel Eat Girl Moscow)

    My longest relationship lasted 3.5 years and was very emotionally charged. It all started as a meeting of two soulmates, from the first to the last day we had fun and interesting together. We were very similar and understood each other with a "half-meme". But we were attracted not only because of our sense of humor, but also because of the type of our psychological traumas. They fit together like pieces of a puzzle, pulling us into a neurotic and codependent relationship that I was only able to get out of when I was in therapy.

    In my opinion, our relations always correspond to the level of our development. Therefore, I do not blame myself or my partner for what happened - we simply could not do otherwise, did not know how, did not know, and simply unconsciously repeated the learned patterns of behavior, hurting each other and suffering from it. Despite the fact that there was a lot of good in these relationships, and they greatly influenced me and my life, I still regard the exit from them as one of my greatest achievements. Only after six months of therapy, with the advent of work and my own independence and identity beginning to form, did I finally manage to get out of the endless circle of our partings and reunions.

    I was the initiator of the breakup, so I felt a little better and wanted us to remain friends (which is usually quite cruel to the other side, but I didn't fully understand it at the time). We tried to be friends: I slowly got back on my feet and learned, like a child, to live on my own, and my ex-partner even helped me with this. It seemed to me that I had overcome my "curse of the former" and saved the person important to me in the format of a friend.

    However, six months later, when the former partner realized that I was definitely not going to return to him, he abruptly cut off communication with me. Unfortunately, at that moment I still could not calmly accept his decision and continued my selfish and manipulative attempts to "be friends". Sometimes we started to communicate, but out of habit we slipped into mutual reproaches and accusations. I was not yet sufficiently developed, and he generally denied therapy, so nothing good could come out of this communication. As a result, there was a grandiose and this time the final break, which also became a very big liberation (as I later realized).

    Until that moment, I still thought that the world that was “ours” still remains mine for a little while - mutual friends, a project in which he was engaged, but in the development and life of which I took an active part. And suddenly I lost it all overnight. I had no choice but to create myself anew. I was filled with anger, resentment and even hatred (by the way, this is a great resource for growth, if used correctly). I saw everything that happened from my position of the “offended girl”, concentrated exclusively on the shortcomings of the former, blamed him for everything. Only a year and a half after our separation, having again started digging through the resentments that would not let go of me, I managed to reach a very painful discovery - no one had ever offended me. I myself was a monster - selfish, cruel, terribly manipulative, distorting reality for himself and torturing another person (albeit unconsciously). We cost each other. It was unbearable to see the real me and throw off the usual, cozy attitudes of the victim.

    I wrote him a letter asking for forgiveness, but he never replied to it. But I was finally let go. After all, such letters are not written for an answer, they are written for themselves.

    Learn more