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How to start a conversation with someone you like


57 Killer Conversation Starters So You Can Talk to Anyone

Table of Contents

  1. Conversation Starters for Any Situation
  2. Keep the Conversation Going
  3. Take Your Conversation to a Deeper Level
  4. Conversation Starters for Work Appropriate Topics
  5. Conversation Starters for a First Date
  6. Conversation Starters for Kids
  7. Funny Conversation Starters
  8. Calendar Specific Conversation Starters
  9. Birthday Party Conversation Starters
  10. Tinder, Bumble and Other Dating Conversation Starters
  11. BONUS: How to Master Small Talk

How can you have dazzling conversations with everyone you meet? I have a few tips and tricks to using easy conversation starters that lead to amazing and memorable conversations. 

A good conversation starter topic can make a normal conversation great. I have broken down this post into different types of conversational situations you might find yourself in. These conversation starters can help spark interesting, deep, and memorable conversations with anyone.

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Conversation Starters for Any Situation

Let’s start with some killer conversation openers. These are great for simply opening a conversation with someone new or someone you haven’t seen in a while. And they’re far more interesting than the standard “Where are you from?” and “what do you do?” those are so boring. Try these instead.

  1. Tell me about you. This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. If they want to tell you about their job, they can. If they want to tell you about their kids, they can. And it’s a great way to know what’s at the top of someone’s mind.
  2. Working on anything exciting lately? This is my alternative to “what do you do?” Asking if someone is working on anything exciting helps the other person talk about something good in their life, as opposed to just giving you a boring update.
  3. What’s your story? This is an interesting conversation starter because it invites someone to tell you a story about them, and you never know what exciting thing they might tell you.
  4. What personal passion project are you working on right now? This is one of my favorites. You never know what secret side hustle someone has. I love asking this one to people I already know in one context, like work, but would love to know more about them personally.
  5. How do you know the host? This one can be modified to any kind of event. If you are at a party, hopefully you both have the host in common. If you are at a networking or work event, you can modify it to “How long have you been a part of this organization?”
  6. What was the highlight of your day today? This is a nice alternative to asking “how are you?” and it gets more interesting answers.
  7. What was the highlight of your week? This is a great one to ask instead of the standard question “How are you?” or “How’s it going?” It helps people share a positive story instead of just giving an autopilot answer of “Fine” or “Good.”
  8. Have you been to an event like this before? This one can be modified for most types of events, from birthday parties (did you come last year?) to networking events (do you come every month?).
  9. What was the high-point and low-point of your day so far? This one is great if you have a talker. If you are speaking with an extrovert, asking questions for them to ruminate and expand on will tickle their fancy. Extroverts love this question.
  10. Has this been a busy time for you? I don’t always like to ask people about being busy, but I use this conversation starter if someone seems distracted or not engaged. Sometimes acknowledging their busy-ness can hook them in.
  11.  How’s that drink / appetizer / artwork / game? One of my favorite context cues is asking about whatever someone is holding or doing. Ask them about their wine. Ask them if they like the artwork they are looking at. Ask them if the food is good. These are very easy openers.
  12. Having fun? A really easy cold approach opener is to look for someone who is by themself, but looks like they are having an okay time. It’s easy to sit next to someone at a table, or stand next to someone at the bar and simply ask, “Having a good time?” or “Enjoying yourself?” It’s a nicer opener than just “How are you?”

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Keep the Conversation Going

Okay, those are my twelve killer openers. How about getting more personal? My next set of conversation starters are to help you continue the conversation.

  1. What are you doing this weekend? Ever had that awkward lull in a conversation? This conversation starter is always welcome. And, if it is a Monday or Tuesday, you can modify it to ask “Did you do anything fun this past weekend?” Sometimes, I also try “What’s your favorite thing to do on the weekends?”
  2. What are your favorite restaurants around here? I almost always ask for personal recommendations. They make great conversation starters. Why? I always get great tips! And if someone doesn’t have an answer because they are new to a city, you can talk about where they came from. Win-win!
  3. Keeping up with __sport / tv show / news__ recently? If you are up to date on news or sports, you could also ask your partner if they keep up as well. If so, great, you have a lot in common. If not, you can tell them about it!
  4. Can you recommend any unique cocktails / appetizers / desserts here? Another great way to get recommendations is asking what to order or grab from the buffet. If they haven’t eaten yet, you can go grab some food together.
  5. All the food looks so good… I’m not sure what to get! What are you thinking? Or what have you tried? A variation of asking for a recommendation is asking simply for advice on what to order. Even at networking events, you can walk up to the bar to get recommendations.
  6. What a beautiful / cool / ugly / bizarre venue. Have you been here before? One thing you will always have wherever you are, is context. Whether you are in a house, a restaurant, or a ballroom, there is always something unique to comment on and ask about.
  7. Did you see that viral ____ YouTube video? It was all over my social media today. If there is a great video you just watched, bring it up. If they have seen it you can laugh together. If they haven’t, you can show them!
  8. I’m making a coffee / going to grab a drink, does anyone else want one? This one is fantastic because you can use this to address an entire group–maybe your new team on your first day at a new job, or a group of people you are sitting with for a presentation at a conference. This can be a good way to test the water and open up further conversation with the people who join you on your coffee run.

When in doubt, if you feel a little awkward asking personal questions right out of the gate, use your environment and surroundings to create conversation. Comment on the food and drinks. Ask about the venue or location. You also can ask general interest questions, such as their favorite sports team or YouTube video.

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Take Your Conversation to a Deeper Level

Now let’s get to the deep conversation starters.

Let’s say you have been speaking to someone for a while, or it is a friend you have seen many times before and you need MORE to talk about. These are my deep conversation starters. In my book Captivate, I break down every interaction into 3 phases. The first 5 minutes — this is during your first impression when you are getting to know someone. The first 5 hours — this is when you start meeting for coffee, working together, or going on dates. And last, the first 5 days –that’s when you truly find friends, partners, and long time colleagues. These questions will help transition you from the first 5 hours to the first 5 days.

  1. If you had to pick any character in a book, movie, or TV show who is most similar to you, who would you choose? Why? This is great if someone has just talked about an actor or book or movie. It tells you a lot about a person to hear which character they feel most like.
  2. When you were growing up, what was your dream job? Is any part of that still true? I love asking this one anytime someone has just mentioned something about their childhood or growing up. It also helps you talk about whether their current job is similar to their original dream.
  3. What’s your biggest fear? Whew, this one is deep, but soooo good! It always sparks great conversation.
  4. What’s your biggest regret? Talking about regret can really help you get to know someone and their past. Only ask this if you really want to get to know someone!
  5. Who is your role model? If you are talking about an inspiring person, a boss, an author, or even a celebrity, you might be able to ask the person about their role model. This is a great way to talk about who inspires you too!

Remember: Be bold. Ask the deep stuff. If you are not real, the majority of conversations can hover on the surface-level topics. It’s refreshing to talk about more meaningful areas of our lives. It’s true, some of those conversation starters may be a bit forward, but if the conversation is progressing well, I encourage you to try them. You never know what you will find out!

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Conversation Starters for Work Appropriate Topics

The most successful professionals know how to both be productive at work and be likable. How can you do this? You have to use the right conversation starters to open genuine, authentic conversations in the office. I love all of the conversation starters I have already mentioned for trying with your office colleagues, but here are a few more.

  1. Is there a charitable cause you support? Sometimes at work all you talk about is… well… work. This question is great to learn what someone is passionate about outside of work. Make sure you have your favorite charity picked out before you ask so you have a great answer too!
  2. I’m a bit nervous about the _____. Have you ever done it before? Sharing personal information to others can increase how likable you are perceived to be, and can help form new social bonds. You can use this trick to start a conversation at work with a colleague, and get some good advice on whatever challenge you’re currently facing–whether it’s a new piece of software or a difficult client.
  3. What has been the best thing about working here? This is especially helpful if you are starting a new job. You can also use this one if someone new has joined the team and you want to share your favorite thing with them.

Have you learned any insider tips about working here? You never know what you are going to hear with this conversation starter! It’s a good one! I love to ask for insider tips and insider knowledge.

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Conversation Starters for a First Date

So you’ve ordered your drink and found a nice table. You know how to flirt, but do you know what to talk about on a first date? The best conversation starters for dating are ones that can give both of you an insight into the other’s personality and life.

  1. What job did you want to do when you were a kid? Maybe they wanted to be an astronaut, or a vet. You can ask follow up questions too. Are they still interested in space studies? What changed when they grew up. Do they love the job they are in now? This type of conversation starter can open up topics such as future goals and professional development too.
  2. If you had to pick one–skydiving, bungee jumping, or scuba diving–which would you do? This first date question is great to figure out if your date is an adventurer. It might turn out that they have done one or more of these things already. Or, they might be terrified of the idea of any of them. And if you are adventurous, good news: adventurous people are usually considered more attractive. Either way, you’re bound to get a great answer and an insight into the way they approach risk.
  3. What’s the most important thing I should know about you? On a first date, you are trying to really get to know each other. Basically, you are trying to suss out if someone would be a great fit for you (and you for them). This question is a great way to get to the heart of the matter.
  4. When you were a kid, what did you think your life would look like now? The ideal conversation starter for a first date is a Trojan Horse –something light and whimsical–and,actually, it’s a good excuse for you to share your aspirations with your date and open up potential conversations about your childhoods, education, or hobbies.
  5. Which of your family members are you most like? Are they particularly close to their mom, their dad, their great aunt? This question gives you an idea of their family setting, and also gives them an easy opportunity to describe themselves simply. They might say they are most like their godfather because they love books, or like their brother because they have a crude sense of humor. Their relationships with key people in their lives is likely to give you some insight into how their relationship might look like with you.

There are so many great conversation starters that can be used on a date. We even have a dedicated post on first date questions if you need even more ammo!

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Conversation Starters for Kids

“Sure, I don’t mind babysitting for the night.” The words kind of slip out before you can think it through, and you’re left with a kid you don’t know. Is Batman still cool? Are Dinosaurs? Is it even still cool to say cool?

Don’t worry, we’ve got you. With these great conversation starters with kids, you’ll never run out of discussion topics. If it feels awkward, remember that research suggests back and forth conversations with children helps boost their brain development.

  1. Do you think there are aliens on other planets? This one is fun and there is no wrong answer; either way, the conversation will be great. If they say no, ask them why; if they say yes, ask them to think about what life on another planet might look like. Kids’ answers are usually surprisingly profound and creative.
  2. If you were an animal, what animal would you be? Why? This is an easy way for a child to tell you about their personality. They might relate to a puppy because they’re playful and run around a lot, or a fish because they love swimming. Also consider, what would you be? They’ll probably ask you back, so make sure you have a good answer.
  3. When you’re a grown up, what type of house will you live in? This is a more exciting take than the “what do you want to be when you grow up?” question. Loads of adults will ask that–b o r i n g. Instead, ask about what their house will look like. Do they want a swimming pool, a garden full of jungle plants, a slide from their bedroom into the living room? Encourage them to get creative. It might give you some fun home decor tips too.
  4. Who would win in a fight, a robot or a dinosaur? You can take cues from things around you–do they have some toys in the room, or a superhero on their shirt? Use this to form a question, the sillier the better. You’ll make them laugh, and they’ll rate you as the coolest grown up.

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Funny Conversation Starters

Funny conversation starters can be used in (almost) all of the situations above and they serve only one purpose: to make people laugh.

Laughter is important for bringing people together, so you’re sure to be the life of the party with one of these funny conversation starters.

  1. What was your worst fashion disaster? Everyone has a few outfits from their past that seemed like a good idea at the time. This conversation starter will help you get to know what the people in your life were like before you met them. It will probably come with a few great stories about their days as an early 2000s emo or 1960s mod. What makes this funny conversation starter especially useful is it can cross the age divide, bringing older members of the party into center stage with fashion faux pas from the past.
  2. What’s the most embarrassing thing you did at school / when you were a kid? This conversation starter works best in groups, when people will have time to think of their own story while laughing at the others sharing theirs. Reminiscing about the past can make people feel calmer (so it may be worth cracking open this conversation starter on a tough day at the office).
  3. If you had a reality TV show about your life, what would your theme song be? It’s a good way of talking about music without asking people what bands they like (which can be a bit stilted and boring), and it short-circuits any indier-than-thou posturing in the name of fun. Bring it to life in the style of a ‘90s sitcom by probing people on the cheesy clips that might accompany their montage bonus points if you get your friends to suggest your theme tune).
  4. What’s your plan if there was a zombie apocalypse? Honestly, you’ll be surprised by the amount of detail people can go into it while describing their remote getaway or elaborate escape routes. This funny conversation starter can turn raucous as you pick holes in each other’s doomsday survival plans.

It might sound counterintuitive, but despite learning some great conversation starters, keep it relaxed and natural. Keep these ideas somewhere in the back of your head for lulls in conversation and awkward silences;don’t try to crowbar them into a conversation that is naturally flowing in a difficult direction. Just be yourself, have a genuine interest in people and their lives, and try to learn about them.

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Calendar Specific Conversation Starters

You can also use time to help you think of great conversation starters. These are really helpful to have in your back pocket. Whenever there is an upcoming holiday or special event, I use these as a basis for fun and light-hearted conversations. Here is a calendar-inspired conversation starter list for you. Remember you can be creative with these as well. If there is ANY holiday or event coming up, be sure to ask about it!

  1. January: What’s your New Year’s Resolution?
  2. February: Do you usually celebrate Valentine’s Day? Do you think it is a real or fake holiday?
  3. March: “I went to the coolest Irish bar last St. Patrick’s Day. Doing anything fun this year for it?”
  4. April: How long did you believe in the Easter Bunny?
  5. July: What’s the best fireworks display you’ve seen on the 4th of July?
  6. October: What’s the best Halloween costume you ever had? Or Do you like haunted houses or scary rides?
  7. November: What’s your favorite Thanksgiving Dinner food?
  8. December: How does your family celebrate the holidays?

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Birthday Party Conversation Starters

If you have a birthday or are celebrating someone else’s birthday, I always ask these to get the conversation going:

  1. To the birthday person: “What was the highlight of your last year?” Or, “What do you want to achieve for next year?”
  2. To fellow celebrators: “How do you usually celebrate your birthday?” Or, “What was the best birthday you ever had?”
  3. To everyone else: “What was the best (or worst) birthday gift you ever received?” This is a great one to do around a dinner table. The answers are always hilarious.

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Tinder, Bumble and Other Dating Conversation Starters

Tinder can be a challenge to having deep conversations — but it can be done! The best conversation starters on Tinder or other dating apps isn’t always a cheesy pick-up line. Instead, you want an opener that works twofold. You want to communicate that you have taken the time to read their profile and learned something about them, and also to tell the other person something about yourself. It’s a win-win, and the conversation will flow naturally from there once you have found some common ground.

Choose one of these great conversation starters to open a conversation on Tinder, and modify it to show your own personality. You just have to fill in the blank:

  1. You have a ___? Me too! Tell me more. Anything you have that is similar to the person you are interested in is a great conversation starter on Tinder. We like people like us. This is known as the similarity-attraction effect. Fill in the blank with your similarity, and then ask for more details.
  2. Hey – you’re a _______? That sounds really interesting. What’s your favorite thing about your job? People love talking about themselves. Keep this in mind when you’re starting conversations online too. People are more likely to respond to you if you ask a question. It goes without saying, but modify this conversation starter depending on their profile.
  3. Sorry if this is a bit forward, but I’m going to try out that new _____ that opens downtown next week–would you like to come?  Straight to the point, this conversation opener makes it clear that you’re interested in a genuine relationship and would like to meet in real life. Make sure to keep your language casual and friendly, and you’ll ace it.
  4. Hey, how is your week / weekend going? This one is nice and simple, but can open a conversation to a lot of different directions–perhaps they’ve had a weekend stuck in the office working, or they’ve had an amazing week of sales. It’s important to give them some information to reply to, too.

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BONUS: How to Master Small Talk

Are you bored of the following questions:

  • “How are you?”
  • “How’s the weather?”
  • “The traffic here was pretty bad, huh?”

I used to dread getting these questions. But fear not! I now LOVE getting asked these normal conversation starters, all because I found one AMAZING trick to change them from boring to magical! Watch my video below to find out how:

Any and all of these conversation starters will work for you, if you are courageous enough to drop the boring ones and get to the good ones. Most people are so relieved to have you start and continue the conversation anyway! Remember, you also want to have YOUR answers to these questions ready to go. If someone doesn’t know their answer, you can jump in with yours to make them feel more comfortable. Good luck! Can’t wait for you to have your next convo.

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30 Great Conversation Starters For Introverts

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If you’ve tried to start a conversation with an introvert and only received one-word replies, you might be asking the wrong questions. We have 30 “instead of this, try this” conversation starters to work some magic on the introverts among us. 

Why Are Conversation Starters For Introverts Different?

Conversation starters for introverts are different because introverts often struggle with small talk. They value genuine connections and can find small talk draining. For an introvert, relationships take time to build, so don’t expect every introvert to answer deep and personal questions if they don’t trust you already. 

Quick Tips for Extroverts
  • Talking louder and pushing for answers may give you the opposite result than you’re looking for. If an introvert feels pressured or bullied, they might withdraw.
  • Be patient. If an introvert is quiet, they may think deeply about the conversation. Or, they may not trust you yet. 
  • Include introverts in conversation by asking directly for their input.
  • Introverts often need time to respond; asking quickfire questions can make them feel overwhelmed and pressured. 
  • Introversion ≠ shyness. Don’t assume all individuals like a conversation.

How To Lead Into a Conversation Starter

Some of these questions can feel random and out of the blue, so acknowledge that before asking the question. Preface these questions with: 

  • Here’s a fun question….
  • I was wondering…
  • Someone asked me this question the other day, which was so interesting. I wanted to ask you also… 

Take 2000+ Conversation Starters to Go – FREE!

Never be left in awkward silence again. Take our best conversation starters with you so you’re prepared for any situation.

Save your favorites for quick access, browse by category, and quickly share any starter to other apps.

And the best part? It’s FREE!

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Whether you’re at work or talking about work, skip the boring questions! Introverts may tend to be awkward, but they also love stimulating conversation. You can help set them (and you!) up for conversation success by asking these questions. 

  1. Instead of: What do you do? Say: What’s been interesting to you recently?
  2. Instead of: We’re all going to grab lunch. Are you coming? Say: We’re all going to grab lunch; want me to hold you something? If your coworker regularly says no to group lunches, offer to bring something back for them.
  3. Instead of: What do you like to do? Say: Have you been learning anything new lately?
  4. Instead of: What do you like about your job? Say: Working on anything exciting these days? 
  5. Instead of: Do you like your job? Say: How long have you been with your company?

Hobbies and Interests to Spark Conversation

Why asking an introvert about their plans stresses them out:

  • You might be about to ask them to do something, and they’ve already planned to stay home and recharge.
  • They don’t want to look like they have no life beyond their cat and couch. 

Give all the homebody introverts in the world a break by asking better questions than, “What are your plans for the weekend?”. 

  1. Instead of: Any fun plans this weekend? Say: Reading anything interesting?
  2. Instead of: What’s your sign? Say: Do you have a pet? 
  3. Instead of: What’s your secret skill or hobby most people don’t know about? Say: What are your holiday plans? 
  4. Instead of: What did you do over the weekend? Say: What’s something you are really into right now?
  5. Instead of: Going out tonight? Say: Watching any good shows on Netflix?

Passions and Beliefs

Ask questions that are structured and even include examples in the question. Introverts often go blank when asked questions.

Offering structure around the question can help them think of something to reply to.

Pro Tip: Introverts are often thinkers, so give them a minute to respond. Please resist the urge to fill the silence; wait patiently and look at them with interest. 

  1. Instead of: Tell me about you. Say: What’s something recently that inspired you?
  2. Instead of: What’s your biggest regret? Say: What’s a lesson you learned that’s been important to you?
  3. Instead of: How are you doing? Say: What’s going on in your life lately? 
  4. Instead of: What are your views on politics and religion? Say: How have your beliefs changed as you’ve gotten older?
  5. Instead of: What’s your story? Say: Working on anything exciting?

Travel Conversation Starters

Asking too many questions can make an introvert shut down. Instead of always starting with a question, try prefacing it with a short comment. This also shows you’re not going to interrogate them or dominate the conversation with all of your stories. 

  1. Instead of: Don’t you get lonely as an introvert? Say: I love traveling, but I usually go with a group of friends. I’ve never gone solo-traveling, have you? (If yes, affirm how cool that is and ask what it’s like. If no, ask them what they think the significant differences are between solo travel and traveling with a group)
  2. Instead of: Do you have any upcoming travel plans? Say: I’ve always wanted to go to ___. Where have you always wanted to travel to? 
  3. Instead of: What’s your favorite country? Say: I’ve always wanted to live in ___. What about you? If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
  4. Instead of: What did you do over the summer? Say: I just went to ___, and I love/hated it. Have you been there? If yes, ask what they thought of it. If not, ask if they recommend another place to visit. 

Ask These Conversations Starters At Parties or Events

Instead of asking these common (sometimes annoying) questions, try flipping your perspective and use these unique conversation starters.

  1. Instead of: Why are you so quiet? Say, Have you ever attended a silent retreat? I’m curious what it’s like.
  2. Instead of: Are you sad? Say: What’s been keeping you busy lately?
  3. Instead of: Have you always been this shy? Say: Do you enjoy events like these?
  4. Instead of: What are you doing with your life now? Say: What habits or improvements are you working on?
  5. Instead of: How do you spend your days? Say: What’s your favorite splurge when you are having a bad day?

Family Life Conversation Starters

Talking about family can be risky, so pay attention to the nonverbals. If it looks like they feel uncomfortable, hedge on their answers, or even have a total lack of emotion, change the topic. Even better, ask them their opinion about family-related issues rather than asking about their personal experiences. 

  1. Instead of: Tell me about your family, Say: What is your birth order? 
  2. Instead of: Where did you grow up? Say: What did you like about where you grew up?
  3. Instead of: What was your favorite toy growing up? Say: Do you remember _____ (furbies, beanie babies, nerfs)? (If they don’t volunteer a story about the toy, launch into your account and ask them follow-up questions like how old they were when that toy was popular if they still have that toy, etc.)
  4. Instead of: Do you have kids? Say: What’s your family like?
  5. Instead of: Do you have a partner? Say: Have you ever been on a blind date? 
  6. Instead of: What’s your best childhood memory? Say: Where did you grow up–did you like it?

Learn more about what it means to be extroverted, What is Extroversion and the Advantages of Being an Extrovert.

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How to have a serious conversation with a loved one (“We need to talk” is not a good start) / Bright Side

We know from the movies that the phrase “We need to talk” should precede every serious dialogue with your loved one. But in fact, these words are damn scary and immediately signal: something unpleasant is about to happen. Therefore, the outcome of the conversation turns out to be not at all the one we are counting on.

Bright Side studied the opinions of psychologists in order to understand how to build a conversation with a partner in order to get the desired result.

1. Determine the purpose of the conversation

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Some conversations are started to solve problems, others are an opportunity to just speak out. In the latter case, there is nothing surprising when the partner starts from one topic, jumps to another, and the end of the conversation turns out to be in no way connected with the beginning. In the process of conversation, there is reflection, and thoughts are confused. Such a conversation has the right to exist, just don't expect it to solve the problems that have arisen. After all, in this case, the partner does not understand what you want from him.

If during the conversation you plan to settle some issue, then you should act differently.

2. Plan the conversation

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Sometimes the conversation is limited to just stating facts. For example: “You don’t give me time”, “You cook too rarely”, etc. It is difficult to understand what a partner should do with such information. And it’s not a fact that he will come to the same conclusions as you.

Another annoying option is to realize what you wanted from the conversation only the next morning.

To prevent this from happening, do a little preparatory work. Make a conversation plan the day before, highlight the main theses , write down points and place accents . Imagine that you are preparing for a report. There is nothing strange in this: the relationship of two people involves daily work.

3. Choose the right time

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People like to talk not when their partner is comfortable, but when they want to. This approach will not give results.

Choose a time when your loved one doesn't need to go anywhere, when he has just woken up and slept, when he can listen and think. The best time for most people is Saturday evening or Sunday morning . Of course, everyone has their own best time, but the main rule remains the same: talk about difficult things when a person has the strength and time to talk.

4. Start a conversation from the end

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Many people like to start a conversation from afar, with lengthy preambles, and leave the most important thing for last. Apparently, this is how people hope to sweeten the pill or give themselves courage.

However, this behavior is annoying, because it is not clear what information will be needed and what will not, and what this whole conversation is going to do. Better start from the main thing, that is, from the end. If you want to talk about your relationship with your mother, then start like this: "I would like to talk about your relationship with my mother."

5. Stick to the plan

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Strictly stick to the plan you made the day before: don't let the conversation devolve into remembering all the accumulated grievances and past mistakes.

Discuss only what needs to be resolved immediately and is the purpose of your conversation.

6. Watch for gestures

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In a conversation, it is important to show sympathy and interest in the interlocutor. Request more information, ask questions.

Your facial expression, timbre and tone, the way you sit - all this can also convey your interest to your partner. Approach the person, a little tilt your head, look into his eyes . This will help him feel that you empathize and that his feelings are important to you.

7. Be allies, not enemies

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In conversation, express the attitude "Together we can do it all" . Ask for help: “I don’t understand what is happening to you (to us), help me figure it out.” Let your partner know that you are not rivals, but allies.

Minimize the use of negative words. and no insults. Negative and offensive words make a person defend himself - that is, either attack or leave the conversation.

Keep in mind that you want to solve the problem in the relationship, not get rid of the relationship itself.

8. Talk about yourself

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Instead of blaming your partner, talk about yourself - this way your loved one will feel safe. For example: "I'm worried because of your silence, because I don't know how to help." In such a phrase there is no claim , which means that the interlocutor does not need to defend himself.

Evaluate not your partner, but his actions . Instead of the phrase "You are rude and cold with me", it is better to say: "I called you today, you spoke distantly, I was upset and was not myself for half a day."

9. Anticipate objections

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Think about the objections you might receive. For example: "What's wrong with that?" or "That was a joke." Try to find answers to them: “I feel uncomfortable next to you at such moments”, “I don’t like such jokes”, and so on.

10. Finish on a positive note

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Show your partner how both of you will benefit if you solve the problem. Let your partner know that after this conversation, your relationship will be better for both.

Is it a problem for you to have a serious conversation with a loved one?

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Bright Side/Psychology/How to have a serious conversation with your loved one (“We need to talk” is not a good start)

How to talk to strengthen relationships

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Relationship crisis Man and woman

Men know how important it is to talk to a woman at the beginning of a relationship. But when they realize that they have conquered it, they begin to behave as they are used to. For most members of the stronger sex, this means using conversations only to achieve a specific goal. For the vast majority of women and a small number of men, conversation is primarily pleasure. Communication allows them to feel a connection with a loved one, recharge their batteries.

“If one partner (usually a man) limits the possibility of spontaneous communication and it all comes down to discussing practical issues, the second partner feels miserable, but has to put up with it,” says interpersonal coach James Bauer. “This is a trap many couples fall into. The longer people are together, the less they talk. We discuss who will pick up the child from kindergarten, how to pay off bills and where to spend the weekend. And that is all".

How to start talking heart to heart as deeply and interestedly as it was at the beginning of a relationship? James Bauer Suggests:

Allocate time. Schedule the conversation in advance. If the first thing you do when you get home is turn on your computer or dive into your smartphone, chances are you'll switch to a partner. Give each other 20 minutes that are not invaded by the television or virtual world.

Instead of discussing the issue at the everyday level, try to talk about how the partner sees himself, what he feels

Interest partner. Start the conversation with what he is interested in. For example, if you ask, “Who do you think will make it to the semi-finals of this game?”, you will most likely grab his attention right away. But the question is: “Does this skirt suit me?” is likely to leave him indifferent, even if he politely answers you. A topic that captivates the other side may turn out to be the key to ensuring that a person is disposed to confidential communication.

Be an attentive listener. You save time by washing dishes or dusting while talking, but for a man your ability to do several things at the same time means a lack of interest in his words. He will stop talking. James Bauer calls for making what he calls "transformational talk" a tradition. They break the routine of everyday relationships, in which we are often too lazy to give ourselves the mental trouble to talk about deeper topics.

"Start with any question, but look at it from a new angle," suggests Bauer. Maybe your partner is going through a difficult time at work? Do not try to immediately find the guilty or limit yourself to sympathetic phrases: “Your boss does not appreciate you,” “This company is not worthy of you. ”

Yes, you flattered the interlocutor's ego, but such a message brought nothing new either to his or your life. Try to talk about how he views the current period in the context of his career. Are there any bonuses in this situation? Is he still able to learn new things? Does he see himself in another professional field? Instead of discussing the issue at the everyday level, try to talk about how the partner sees himself, how he feels, whether he is ready to move forward. Such conversations give us the strength to rethink a lot in life.”

Natalia Artsybasheva, Gestalt therapist

The following joke was born in the professional environment: “Find a good partner, and five years of marriage will replace a year of psychotherapy for you.” If a couple has the skill and tradition of conversation developed in "peacetime", then in a crisis that abounds in family life, this will be a great advantage.

Many men tend to endure discomfort in silence and then disappear. Women are naturally better at communication. It is important to use this difference not for the struggle for power, but for the development of mutual understanding.

When in a couple a woman can help a man to talk about feelings, in response he helps her not to “drown” in them, but to move on to the right actions. Many couples need such a tradition also as a salvation from the now popular child-centrism. Often there comes a time when the wife is so immersed in caring for the children that the husband is left alone. A woman, on the one hand, loses his support, and on the other hand, she does everything to not get it.

These simple rules will help you build a dialogue, convey your thoughts to your loved one and better understand him.