How to overcome fear of abandonment

5 Ways to Heal a Fear of Abandonment

I gathered up the courage to call him shortly after 1:00 in the morning.

“Is everything okay?” I said, my voice wrought with fear and restlessness. “I haven’t heard from you in hours.”

“I was having drinks and ran into a bunch of friends. The time flew by and I forgot to text,” he said. “I didn’t mean to leave you hanging. I just got home.”

A sigh of relief escaped my chest, letting out all of the tension I’d allowed to build over the course of the evening. My disappointment soon turned to guilt.

I could’ve sworn I felt his energy shift in our communication. I was confident that his silence was speaking volumes. I filled this perceived space with worst-case scenario thinking, trying to prepare myself for a breakup. I seriously thought he was going to leave me. Truth is, I’d been down this road before. It’s paved with the best of intentions but the worst of assumptions. And it doesn’t lead anywhere productive.

But my honesty changed all that. By opening up, I allowed my partner at the time to understand how I felt. By opening up, I honored my needs for reassurance and clarity. By opening up, we were able to mend.

And while that relationship ran its course, it showed me that I had the power within me all along. The power to realize there’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable, standing up for my needs, or asking for clarity and reassurance.

Read my blog, 12 Ways to Make an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Work.

These same realizations are available to you as well. Continue reading below to understand more about fear of abandonment—and how to begin healing from it.

You deserve to know that you’re not alone, that you’re worthy of love, and that you won’t be left.

It starts with you.

A fear of abandonment is a deep-seated fear of being left or cheated on, ending up alone, or not finding someone at all. Most apparent when one becomes vulnerable in an adult romantic relationship, this fear can typically be traced back to a traumatic wounding event in childhood, but in some cases can form later in life as well. While there are many different experiences that can cause a fear of abandonment to develop, it typically takes the form of neglect, abuse, invalidation, inconsistent affection or intimacy, or emotional and/or physical abandonment in our closest connections—sometimes going all the way back to the environment in which we were raised. Here are some specific examples of traumatic events in both childhood and adulthood that can cause a fear of abandonment:

Your parents divorcing
A parent moving far away
Addiction in the core family unit
A death in the nuclear family
Not knowing one or both parents
Being adopted
Living in foster care
Having a parent tell you directly or indirectly that you’re too sensitive
Feeling that one or both parents are hot and cold
Being raised by someone who provides for you physically but has no time or energy to listen to you, get to know who you are, or sit with your emotions
Generally not feeling understood in your family environment
Dating one or multiple partners who are narcissistic, abusive, or extremely critical
Being cheated on in a current or previous relationship
Dating multiple partners who are inconsistent or to some degree emotionally unavailable

As a coach for people with an anxious attachment style, fear of abandonment comes up every day in my work. That’s because a fear of abandonment is one of the core components of the anxious attachment style, and it can lead folks to get involved with individuals and stay in relationships that aren’t safe, further exacerbating their abandonment wound(s).

But it doesn’t have to stay that way. Before we dive into ways to heal from a fear of abandonment, let’s explore how it can seriously harm our relationships.

There are three primary ways that a fear of abandonment can harm your interpersonal relationships. They are as follows:

A fear of abandonment can cause self-abandonment
A fear of abandonment can be a self-fulfilling prophecy
A fear of abandonment can lead to a cycle of unfulfilling relationships

These three repercussions of experiencing a fear of abandonment are by no means mutually exclusive. In fact, in many cases, they overlap and feed into one another. Read on to find out how a fear of abandonment can be detrimental to your closest bonds.

A fear of abandonment can cause self-abandonment

Here’s what many people don’t realize about a fear of abandonment: it can actually lead to self-abandonment. How does this happen? When you are afraid of being left or ending up alone, you’ll do anything to make the relationship work, no matter the cost. As a result, you’ll let most or all of your needs—including physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual ones—fall to the wayside. When you meet someone, you stop taking care of yourself and doing the things that bring you joy and help you live a balanced life. Here are some examples:

If you’re into fitness, you stop working out
If you’re into journaling, you stop writing
If you’re into meditating, you stop seeking stillness

But here’s the thing: When you stop taking care of yourself, you grow restless and resentful. And then you project that resentment onto other people. Mostly because you know deep down that you’re not doing what’s right for you, and that guilt eats you up!

Don’t let your fear of abandonment turn into self-abandonment. Keep doing the things you’re passionate about. Invest in activities and habits that are replenishing and rejuvenating to you. Continue to connect with people that you love and appreciate, like your friends and family—and even yourself.

You’ll feel more empowered, confident, and harmonious when you do.

2. A fear of abandonment can be a self-fulfilling prophecy

If you’re afraid of being abandoned, you will do several things that actually bring about the very disconnection you’re seeking to avoid. The first thing you will do is subvert your own needs. As we established above, this is what causes a fear of abandonment to transform into self-abandonment. Also, your fear of abandonment may actually warp your perspective of the world around you. This can make you rely on cognitive distortions like catastrophizing—thinking about worst case scenarios—or personalizing—making somebody else’s behavior about you—causing you to end up looking at the world in a distorted way. This inevitably impacts how you perceive your partner, and you’ll be on high alert as a result.

Since you’ve already convinced yourself that your partner is going to leave you or cheat on you, you’ll keep score. You’ll look for any indication or information that they are pulling away and that they no longer care about you. And you will use any action—no matter how small—to justify these beliefs so that you feel in control of the situation. Because your brain can’t tell the difference between perceived danger and actual danger, it feels like you’re unsafe and threatened and so you believe it to your bones.

Due to subverting your own needs and not taking care of yourself—not exercising or journaling or meditating—you have no recourse (or so you think) to get out of this spiral. Your fear has a chokehold on you at this point. Since you’re so afraid of being left, you’ll do anything to keep the peace in the relationship, especially not revealing your feelings, so you never get the clarification you need from your partner because you’re so afraid of pushing them away that you never allow yourself to open up and ask for what you need.

As you can see—and have likely felt firsthand—this is not only exhausting to you but extremely damaging to the relationship you’re desperately trying to save. And it often leads to the relationship unraveling entirely, completing the self-fulfilling prophecy.

As the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love says, “It’s always most effective to assume the best in conflict situations. In fact, assuming the worst, which is typical of insecure attachment styles, often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

3. A fear of abandonment can lead to a cycle of unfulfilling relationships

One of the most painful parts of a fear of abandonment is having that fear confirmed by one or even several relationships that eventually turn sour. In fact, the more we experience the familiar sting of rejection and abandonment, the more likely we are to expect it to happen in our future relationships. As a result, you’ll be much less likely to approach your new relationships from a place of safety, security, and warmth, and will inevitably come across as cold, critical, or even callous, thereby attracting exactly the kind of connection that you don’t want.

Do your best after each relationship to process what happened and find ways to learn, grow, and advance on your healing journey. Not everyone is going to leave, abandon, or cheat on you. Part of taking back your power means recognizing that you get to choose whom you allow to have access to you moving forward, and therefore that you play a key role in whether or not your future relationships will be aligned with what you need and want. It also means recognizing that you are no longer a powerless child and are a fully-formed adult capable of making powerful, conscious, healing choices.

Spend some time contemplating or journaling on the kind of relationship that you want. Focus on the values and morals that you’re looking for and how you want your future relationship to feel. Hone in on things like a sense of safety and security, clarity and consistency. Start with whatever you felt was missing in your previous partnerships. Then raise your standards to align with this new vision for your future while also addressing any aspects of yourself that might require attention or healing in order to be the kind of partner that person will need.

1. Stop hyper-focusing on everyone’s else’s needs while neglecting your own.

The first thing you can do to heal a fear of abandonment is to bring the focus back to you. That’s right: you have to learn to consistently take care of yourself! Many people who have experienced the deep pain of abandonment have turned into people pleasers or people who experience codependency. Both scenarios make the other person the priority. They get put on the pedestal while your needs suffer.

If you want to heal, you need to take your power back and shift the focus back to you and what it is that you need. Make sure that you’re meeting your own basic needs like eating nutritious foods, getting a good night’s rest, staying hydrated, exercising your body, and meditating or journaling to process emotions. These things tend to be the first that fall to the wayside if you’re afraid of being left because you’ll do anything to save that relationship. So go on that walk, take that break from drinking, make that dinner for yourself. These things add up.

And they also help you to see that even if your worst fears come true, you’ll always have you.

Additionally, take inventory of your needs, values, love languages, and attachment style. Fall in love with learning about who you are. That way in the future you'll be able to recognize and invest in safe connections, first and foremost with yourself!

2. Find and nurture safe relationships.

The second way that you can heal a fear of abandonment is through safe relationships. Those who experience a fear of abandonment have typically experienced extensive trauma, abuse, neglect, and instability in their closest relationships throughout their lives. As an adult who’s looking to heal, it’s imperative that you find and invest in people who actually respect, appreciate, and support you. These relationships help you to see that being left is not the only option—that safety and security are actually possible.

I know you might be thinking, “Chris, I don’t have any safe relationships like that in my life!” And you know what? It’s not uncommon for that to be the case. That’s okay.

Even if you start building a sense of safety in your relationship with a therapist or a coach (like me!), that’s perfectly normal. You could also start with a family member or childhood friend you know is reliable.

The goal is to be able to be your full, authentic self, and express yourself to these people. While this can be incredibly scary for someone who experiences a fear of abandonment, when you allow them to be there for you and to show you that you can open up and not be criticized or invalidated, you start to realize that not all relationships will crush or betray you, or end tragically.

The people you select are totally up to you. But you have to start building safety somewhere—and with folks capable of being there for you in that way.

3. Soothe your inner child.

The third way that you can heal a fear of abandonment is by learning to sit with your inner child. When you get triggered, you feel threatened and unsafe. That’s your inner child screaming out for the nurturing and attention and love they never got. You have to learn to sit with and soothe yourself—to remind yourself: I am safe here, no matter what happens. You can do this through reciting affirmations or journaling on your fears or visualizing being comforted—anything that you can do to remind yourself that you’re not in any actual danger and you don’t have to stay in survival mode.

Try having an internal conversation in your mind with a younger or previous version of yourself. Picture them clearly. Sit them down across from you and tell them all the things they never got to hear. Give them the validation, reassurance, and closure they never got. Breathe through the discomfort together and allow the emotions you’re experiencing to be present.

You can also explore nervous system regulation techniques such as cold exposure (try taking a cold shower or washing your hands in cold water!), body movement (focus on stretching, dancing, or yoga!), and breathwork (look into meditative techniques such as box breathing or tapping to assist!).

Find some ways to self-soothe that work for you—and stick with them.

4. Integrate your trauma.

The fourth way that you can heal a fear of abandonment is through integrating your trauma. The process of emotional integration simply means looking at some of the most painful events that have ever happened to you and saying: “You know what? They made me stronger. You know what? They didn’t last. And you know what? They’re not all of me, they’re a part of me. It’s something I experienced, but it’s not who I am.”

I find writing and reflection to be the best tools for emotional integration. You can also meditate on some of the most painful things you’ve been through and try to feel any unexpressed emotions associated with those events. Another technique is to write an attachment narrative, or the story of the relationships that influenced how you look at relationships today. A final way to practice emotional integration is through letter writing. In my coaching program, I have my clients write letters of forgiveness. The first letter is to someone who hurt them and the second is to themselves. While they don’t send these letters, it helps them to express deeply repressed emotions and change their perspective on the key events that are still influencing them today.

5. Don’t take your fear or feelings as facts.

Please hear me clearly: Your fear and feelings are NOT facts! While many of us take these at face value and don’t question them, it’s crucial that you learn to feel your fear and feelings while not always acting on them.

So, challenge those negative thoughts and limiting beliefs. Try to make sure that you see the positive or good things in your partner and relationship by proactively practicing gratitude and expressing appreciation for what they’ve done and continue to do for you. Unless you have evidence to prove that they are going to leave or have cheated, you’ve got to find a way to break your harmful beliefs.

It’s also important that you start allowing whatever emotional experience you’re having to be present. In other words, lean into the discomfort and uncertainty. Accept that it’s what’s happening for you right now and that you don’t need to change it or push it aside. This is the paradox of feeling: the more you allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling, the quicker it will actually pass. This can also buy you precious time to calm down and regulate your nervous system. Then, when you’ve reached a calmer, more clear-headed state, you can re-engage.

Do you constantly worry about whether or not your partner will cheat on you or leave you? Do you keep track of their every move because you don’t feel safe or like you can fully trust? Do you lash out and self-sabotage even when you have no rational reason to believe that they will betray you?

If so, then please know that you are not alone.

As a coach for people with an anxious attachment style, I work with folks all over the world who struggle with these same doubts—with this same fear of abandonment. Together in the safe container of a coaching relationship, I help my clients learn to regulate their nervous systems, release the pain of the past, and rewire their brains to both build and accept a sense of safety and trust in a relationship. In short, I help them reparent themselves.

It’s a wondrous process to behold.

Take my former client, Amanda, for example. She had been single for six years and was in and out of situationship after situationship. Nothing seemed to be working out. Every time Amanda seemed to get her hopes up about someone, she felt like the rug was pulled out from under her, and back to the dating apps she crept. This pattern unfolded for so long that she wondered if she’d ever meet someone with whom she could build the future she’d always imagined for herself. When she reached out to me she had already tried several different forms of therapy, read dozens of self-help books, and still struggled to have the kind of connection she wanted. She was at her wits end.

While working with me in the second to last week of my program Amanda ended up going on a date with someone that wasn’t her usual type. She kept an open mind and applied all of the learnings she picked up from our reparenting work. Before she knew it, within a couple of months the two of them made their relationship official. She was over the moon.

Amanda and her beau have been together ever since! They care deeply for each other and have created a safe partnership where they are equals and are able to navigate life’s challenges together. They’re currently talking about moving in, getting married, and having kids—everything Amanda struggled to envision that she’d have.

I want you to know that this kind of relationship is possible for you, too! And it exists on the other side of your fear.

Just like with Amanda, this stuff takes work. But if you’re ready to end the cycle of abandonment and see what’s on the other side, I’m ready and willing to embark on the healing journey with you.

Use the form below to set up a quick call with my team.

I’d love to hear more about your journey and how I can help. I can’t wait to hear from you!

4 Tips to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

Fear of abandonment may affect how you experience relationships, but understanding where it comes from could be the key to fulfilling connections.

While abandonment anxiety is often painful, you can overcome it.

The first step may be to get to the root of your fear of being abandoned and gain a deeper understanding of yourself that helps you form secure and meaningful connections with others.

It’s natural to fear losing someone you love. But if you persistently worry about others leaving you, even when there’s no evidence they will, you may be living with abandonment anxiety or fear of abandonment.

Fear of abandonment isn’t a mental health diagnosis, but it’s sometimes related to mental health conditions such as borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Fear of abandonment is deeply connected to emotions like shame and anxiety.

In some cases, rejection sensitivity is also linked to mental health conditions that involve fear of abandonment, like BPD and depression.

You may experience fear of either emotional or physical abandonment. Here’s the difference:

Emotional abandonment refers to emotional distance. If you’ve been emotionally neglected in the past by parents, a caregiver, or a partner, you might fear that other people will neglect you too.
Physical abandonment happens when an important person exits your life. For example, you might live with fear of abandonment today that is connected to a parent leaving in your childhood.

Fear of abandonment may lead you to experience what some people call “commitment issues,” an intense fear of getting permanently close to somebody else.

If fear of abandonment plays a big role in your life or the life of a loved one, it can show up in how you manage your emotions and behaviors.

Emotional signs of fear of abandonment:

panic or anxiety about being alone or not coupled
sensitivity to criticism or rejection
shame and self-blame when something goes wrong in the relationship
fear of intimacy or closeness
worry when a relationship seems to be going “too well”
distrust

Behavioral signs of fear of abandonment:

using comfort foods or substances to cope when stressed about a relationship
tendency to pull away physically or emotionally when feeling criticized
codependency, or placing the needs of a partner over your own
history of relationships that haven’t supported your mental and emotional health
tendency to become attached quickly in a new relationship

Children can also show some unique signs of abandonment fear, such as:

crying when separated from primary caregivers
stress and withdrawal in new situations
either more clinginess or more detachment from parents than usual
anxiety about going to school or day care

It’s natural to have doubts or concerns sometimes in an important relationship. But unlike temporary insecurity, fear of abandonment tends to be a pattern of responses and behaviors that doesn’t go away unless you address it.

Fearing others will abandon you may impact your interactions and how you interpret your partner’s reactions and behaviors.

You may feel you have to act a certain way to keep your partner, or you may have trouble being intimate and expressive out of fear of rejection.

In some cases, you may even spend a lot of time looking for flaws in your partner or the relationship.

While this can sometimes lead to the end of the connection, it can also serve as a form of emotional self-defense.

When fear of abandonment overlaps with a personality disorder, your relationships might be more severely affected. Research from 2017 focusing on abandonment fear in people with BPD suggests that women with the disorder were more likely to do things they didn’t want to do — like have sex — for fear of losing their relationship.

Whether your abandonment anxiety stems from childhood events, a personality disorder, or something else, your attachment style likely has something to do with it.

Insecure attachment

Psychologist John Bowlby developed attachment theory, which suggests that the way we connect with our caregivers in early life shapes how we form attachments with people as adults.

Mary Ainsworth, a psychologist who built upon Bowlby’s theory, created categories for different types of attachment style. Today, we generally recognize four types:

secure attachment
avoidant attachment
anxious attachment
disorganized attachment

Avoidant, anxious, and disorganized are all known as insecure attachment styles, which can make it harder to form close and mutually beneficial relationships.

Research suggests a link between fear of abandonment and insecure attachment styles, especially anxious attachment.

Additionally, a 2015 study involving people with antisocial personality disorder found that avoidant attachment was more common in people with the condition.

Separation anxiety disorder

While separation anxiety is fairly common in young children, you can experience it at any age. Some symptoms of separation anxiety disorder are:

fear of being separated from loved ones that isn’t developmentally typical of your age
recurring worries and distress about losing someone important
distress when left alone or separated from a loved one
physical symptoms like nausea, headaches, and stomachaches when thinking about or experiencing separation

Research from 2014 suggests that certain parts of the brain may help explain why abandonment fear is a common part of separation anxiety.

Specifically, having a hyperactive amygdala made people with separation anxiety more tuned to clues that someone was about to leave them.

Trauma and past experiences

Childhood trauma or traumatic events can increase your likelihood of experiencing fear of abandonment in current relationships.

A 2018 study of women who experienced intimate partner violence suggested that childhood sexual abuse increased their likelihood of staying in abusive relationships and dissociating as a coping mechanism — especially when they also had abandonment anxiety.

Trauma may also lead to certain mental health conditions that can cause fear of abandonment, such as complex PTSD and BPD.

Personality disorders

A personality disorder is a condition that affects your thoughts, feelings, and behavior and can make many aspects of your daily life — like your job, self-care, and relationships — more difficult.

Some personality disorders can lead to fear of abandonment, such as:

Borderline personality disorder. For people with BPD, abandonment anxiety often feeds into unstable relationships and fear of being alone. Research from 2018 highlights that emotional neglect and trauma and genetic traits could be at the root of abandonment fear for those with BPD.
Avoidant personality disorder. A 2015 study suggests that attachment anxiety and fear of abandonment both play key roles in avoidant personality disorder.
Dependent personality disorder. Fear of abandonment is a common symptom of dependent personality disorder. People with this personality disorder are more likely to express this anxiety by trying to stay close to those they’re most connected to.

Depending on what’s contributing to your abandonment anxiety, you can try different approaches to manage it.

Therapy

A therapist can help you recognize and overcome your fear of being abandoned by empowering you to:

discover your attachment style and how it impacts your relationships
learn how to form secure attachments with others
develop your emotion regulation skills
find out whether a personality disorder or anxiety disorder is causing your abandonment anxiety
heal from trauma or childhood experiences that contribute to your fear of abandonment

Talk therapy with a professional you trust can help with fear of abandonment in multiple ways.

You might find that healing also takes place through the process of participating in the therapeutic relationship itself.

Some specific types of therapy may be especially helpful for sorting out where your abandonment anxiety comes from and how to cope with it:

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). In DBT, you can learn emotion regulation skills and self-soothing techniques. It’s also a common treatment for BPD.
Emotionally focused therapy (EFT). EFT focuses on helping you identify your attachment style and how it influences the way you relate to others.
Psychodynamic therapy. This approach could help you manage some personality disorders, including BPD. Psychodynamic therapy may also help you recognize behavior patterns linked to your abandonment anxiety.

Self-discovery

Learning about yourself can help you identify how abandonment anxiety impacts your thoughts and actions — and, as an extension of those things, your relationships.

While self-discovery is often a part of therapy, you can also practice it on your own by:

keeping a log of your feelings and events that might be causing them
curiously checking in with yourself when you feel a surge of emotion — you can start with something like, “Wow, this is a strong feeling. What memories or fears could be at the root of this?”
reading up on attachment theory and considering what attachment style you’ve developed
using a workbook (like this one) to identify situations that induce your fear of abandonment so you can be better prepared with coping techniques

Support groups

Community and connection can be important parts of healing from trauma.

You might find a support group helpful if you:

experienced a traumatic abandonment in the past
grew up with emotionally unavailable or distant parents or caregivers
find yourself repeating patterns in relationships that you’d like to change

Some support groups for abandonment fear are local, and many focus on abandonment in the context of romantic relationships. You can also check out this online community.

Self-compassion

Self-compassion, a way of viewing yourself first with kindness instead of judgment, can help you combat shame and other thoughts that might come up alongside your abandonment anxiety, like:

“I’m not good enough for my partner. ”
“I deserve to be left on my own.”
“I’m not loveable.”

It can take time to build up self-compassion. A couple of ways to practice are by challenging negative self-talk and by using mindfulness meditation.

Fear of abandonment can cause distress in your life and impact your relationships. Trauma, attachment style, and personality disorders may all contribute to this anxiety.

Overcoming abandonment anxiety often involves recognizing how thoughts and feelings influence your behaviors. With the right approach and support, your chances of overcoming this fear are promising.

How to deal with the fear of being abandoned - HEROINE

The fear of being abandoned is inherent in us by biological mechanisms. It is associated with the basic needs of a person to be protected and belong to a certain cell of society. But if you're constantly dealing with this feeling, it might be worth starting a fight against codependency and low self-esteem. Together we understand why modern women face the fear of being abandoned and what to do to get rid of the experience.

Divorce of parents, lack of trust in the family, infantilism. Most often, the fear of being abandoned begins in childhood. Often, problems in the family lead to the fact that in adulthood a woman begins to look for a man who could replace her father.

In other cases, infantilism makes a woman think that her well-being depends only on her other half. Such attitudes make you lose faith in yourself and strengthen the fear of being abandoned. Here are six tips to help you deal with it.

1. Think about whether your concern is justified

There are two types of anxiety: productive and unproductive. In the first case, we worry about events that are already happening in our lives and affecting it. Unproductive anxiety is based on guesswork and questions like “what if…?”. And if you constantly ask such questions and try to read the mind of another person, you can seriously harm the relationship.

Instead of guessing and worrying about being dumped, try talking openly about it with your partner. The ability to conduct an honest and open dialogue is important in relationships.

2. Work on your self-esteem

Low self-esteem is often the cause of the constant fear of being abandoned. Self-dislike worsens the quality of life and can provoke a constant feeling of self-pity. It also causes increased anxiety and concern about the opinions of others.

Women with low self-esteem all the time feel that people treat her badly and are waiting for the right moment to point out shortcomings. Often girls consciously refuse friendship, as they are afraid to suddenly lose loved ones and be left alone.

To cope with low self-esteem and overcome the fear of being abandoned, you need to acknowledge the existence of a problem. Read more about the signs that give out low self-esteem and how to deal with it, read in the material.

3. Share the problem with loved ones

When we are in a difficult situation, it is important to feel the support of loved ones. This is due to the fact that often we are traumatized not so much by the problem as by the understanding that we were left alone with it. At such moments, it is important for us to receive words of support and be able to share our experiences and fears. Having opened up to loved ones, you will understand that all people struggle with a lot of fears and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

4. Understand that fear is part of life

Every person faces many fears every day. It's perfectly normal to be afraid of something. This is one of the signs that you are alive. And no matter how paradoxical it may sound, in order to cope with the fear of being abandoned, you need to accept the fact that such feelings will always haunt you. What matters is how you perceive this fear and whether you resist it. Once you recognize unhealthy patterns and understand what is the root of your experiences, you will learn to control emotions.

5. Develop your self-sufficiency

A distinctive feature of a self-sufficient person is that he does not seek approval from other people for his actions. A self-sufficient person has healthy egoism, knows how to enjoy loneliness and does not enter into co-dependent relationships.

Once you increase your level of self-sufficiency, the fear of being abandoned will decrease. Here are some tips to help you do this:

constantly educate yourself;
set clear goals for yourself and find what motivates and nourishes you;
communicate with interesting people and broaden your horizons;
learn to adequately perceive constructive criticism and increase the level of social intelligence.

6. Try to avoid contact with emotionally unavailable people

Emotionally unavailable people experience great discomfort from getting close to other people. They tend to avoid healthy attachments and have low empathy. Surrounding such people, you doom yourself to the eternal fear of being abandoned. Because the behavior of emotionally unstable individuals is unpredictable.

Communication with such people can be interesting, but it is unlikely that a deep connection will be built. Read more about why we are so often attracted to emotionally unavailable men in Heroine.

Read on the topic: How to heal a broken heart if the relationship ended

Add to favorites

How to stop being afraid of being rejected

54,055

Know Yourself A Man Among Men

We are all afraid of something, but we rarely think about how fear affects our lives and decisions. Conscious fears, such as fear of flying, heights, or spiders, are easier to deal with. But unconscious, deep-seated fears can be extremely destructive. They rule our lives.

One of the strongest is the fear of rejection. Adaptation in society, success, self-esteem, independence from the opinions of others depend on it. The need to be accepted is in everyone. And when we are afraid that we will not be accepted, then we clothe this hidden fear in the formulations: “I can’t confess my feelings, what if they don’t reciprocate? I can't ask for a raise because I'm afraid I'll get fired for it."

The task of the brain is to protect us, to protect us from the bad. When we say, “My ex broke my heart. If this happens again, I won’t survive it” or “No one will ever love me”, the brain fixes it. And as soon as a similar situation arises, he shows us a distorted reality, the one that we ourselves drew for him.

Where does the fear of rejection come from?

It appeared in ancient times, when the prospect of being kicked out of the community, the tribe, meant that a person would have to survive alone. And it was very difficult to do so. In fact, this fear was equal to the fear of death. But we live in a different time and in different conditions, so it is worth realizing the truth: if we are rejected, we will not die. Maybe we will be sad, lonely or scared, but we will not die.

Nowadays, this fear is formed from childhood. When a child misbehaves, parents send him to another room. That is, we still use isolation, as in ancient times, to force the child to comply with certain rules, and thereby plant this fear in him.

Can this be avoided? Yes, if we consciously approach what and how we tell children. If you do not follow the example of our own “educators”, who said “Yes, stop whining” and “Well, think about it, they called you names at school, next time give the offender a forehead.”

Instead, you could say, “Have you been called stupid? And what do you think about yourself?” Most likely, the child does not consider himself stupid. We need to support him in this thought: what matters is what he thinks about himself. Most suffer because of the words spoken by someone, and not only children, but also adults. Words can cause serious harm, they penetrate the depths of the soul.

How fear affects our lives

The fear of rejection is fundamental, it is rooted in our unconscious. Because of this, we are often afraid of everything in the world: buy the wrong gift (what if the recipient doesn’t like it?), dress inappropriately (what if they laugh?), tell us about our needs (what if they refuse us or even get angry for “impudence”?).

This fear reduces our self-confidence. We do not dare to say “no” in situations that we do not like, we become accommodating and helpful out of fear that otherwise we will be repulsed, “expelled” from the field of communication. We are afraid of this in the family, society, at work, at school, college - everywhere.

This leads to disappointment in life, procrastination, panic attacks, stress and depression. Many people wonder what is holding them back from being successful. And here, too, fear “comes out”: “if I am successful, people will not like me”, “if I am successful, I will lose all my friends”, “I will be envied”, “a partner will feel inferior next to me”. These thoughts encourage you to avoid success.

People who are afraid of failure also sabotage their own plans: “I want to meet this girl, but what if she rejects me? I'd rather not even try. " It is easier for such people not to implement plans than to fail.

In a stressful situation, the brain sets itself up for problematic thoughts: "I'd rather not do this again, then I won't have to go through this again." But the problem is not in fear itself, but in our attitude towards it, which is formed by thoughts. And in order to cope with fear, you must first defeat the thoughts that are transformed into this fear.

Exercises for working with fear

1. Presentation

Choose a place where no one will disturb you. Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Think about your fears. Imagine that you are watching a slide presentation titled "My Phantom Fears" on a big screen. Try to see each one as clearly as possible.

If you are afraid that you will be rejected, then imagine on the slide that they are leaving you and do not want to communicate with you anymore. If you are afraid of being successful, imagine that everyone turned away when you achieved success. Look at these slides and read the text that appears in the center of the picture: "This is not true, these are just images that appear at the moment the slide is illuminated."

Now watch how the fear slide starts to fade. As a result, the picture disappears and the inscription remains: "You have no fear." If you do this exercise with full awareness, it is a great help to cope with fears.

2. Gone with the Wind

Ask yourself, “What am I really afraid of?” Take a sheet and describe your fear. Put the paper in front of you and read what you have written.

Say: “I recognize you. You are the fear that scares me - I'm afraid of being rejected. I know that you want to protect me and I appreciate that. I am grateful to you for this. But now it's time for me to say goodbye to you. I learned to live without you, I no longer need to be protected. I release you from this role. I'm safe".

Then take this sheet and burn it. Open the window and blow out the ashes.

Learn more