How to move on when your husband leaves you
What To Do When Your Husband Leaves You
Whoever you are, whatever you’re dealing with, I want you to know that you are not alone. A lot of us have gone through this and have made it out of the madness alive, intact and happy. You will too.
Yeah, I’m not dwelling. But I remember wanting to talk to women who went through this interesting life experience and not really finding a whole lot out there on the subject. Sure, there are divorce sites, cheating hubby sites, all that flim-flam/angry chat board groupie thing. But most of those offered up the obvious stuff, and I wanted to know the subtle, little things about what to do when your husband leaves.
That’s why I wrote, What to Do Immediately When Your Husband Leaves You and then followed that up with this article. An article for those a bit further along in the process of surving being left behind.
Like when you’re pregnant, no one really tells you there’s a very good possibility that a room full of people will see you poop when you deliver. That’s not essential information, but personally, that’s good to know.
I made a shit-load of errors. I did a lot of things that I shouldn’t have, and it would have been really cool to have had someone there to give me a heads-up when I was going about it the wrong way. So here is my little list of information on how to survive the trauma of divorce.
Here’s What To Do When Your Husband Leaves You…by someone who has lived through it.
1. Breathe.
Duh, right? But remind yourself to do it, do it deeply and often. When we start to freak out we get that panic-stricken breathing thing going on, and that’s not conducive to rational thinking. Which you will definitely need to be doing at this point.
2. Put your emotional sensor into hyper-drive.
You are going to have a million things running through your mind all at once. You are going to want to negotiate, maim, give up, maim some more, accept all blame, pass the buck, yada yada yada. That’s all well and good, as long as you KEEP IT IN YOUR HEAD.
Don’t say anything, write anything, text anything or email anything before you carefully, thoroughly decide if it’s appropriate. Or true. Or self-destructive.
I turned to the written word when I was left to twist in the wind. I wrote pitiful, awful letters to my wayward husband, wherein I took all the blame for everything bad that had happened in our marriage. I blamed it on wine, on the Internet, on my fat upper arms…I guess in my damaged state of mind I figured that maybe, just maybe if I took this one for the team he’d reconsider.
In hindsight, I should have ripped these up instead of handing them over. He kept them, and not only kept them but shared them with the very person who was 1/3 responsible for the demise of our marriage. And that sucks. I still have a pretty pathetic, weepy email from him, sent after he and his girlfriend (his much younger co-worker) had started shacking up, that I printed out and saved. I think it would be…interesting to see the ripple-effect that thing would have if I shared it.
But that’s irrelevant right now.
Lesson learned:
Don’t let your heart hit send before your brain proofreads. This will be something that requires constant attention. And you will slip. Forgive yourself.
3. Open up your own checking account if you don’t already have one.
And an addendum to this one: close the joint one, asap. Even if you are one of the rare ones who does get that “fairy tale” ending, it’s never a bad idea to have your own bank account. If you do indeed end up divorced, it’s wise to get your name off of EVERYTHING that is joint. I am haunted, to this day, by things that we signed on to as a married couple. I’m not a lawyer nor am I a financial expert (I made myself LOL at this one) but I do think that things may have been a little bit brighter for me, financially, if I had dumped most of the co-sign things right at the start.
4. Brace yourself for the fact that if he’s left, chances are really, really good that he’s got someone else.
I denied this one until the proof was physically shoved into my face. When I think back on how desperately I tried to patch things up between my husband and I, and all the while he was slinking back to Suzy Homewrecker, I am filled with two things: anger at how stupid I was, and embarrassment. Especially when I consider the little family trips that I begged him to attend. He’d go, alright. He’d bless us with his presence. And we’d have our awkward sex again.
If I had known right from the start that he had found a secretary who did way more than order donuts for meetings and answer phones, I could have saved myself a whole lot of humiliation. And I could have started filling out my eHarmony questionnaire earlier (it takes days to complete. Months if you actually read the questions).
Anyhoo: Point is, prepare yourself for the worst. You may have already been replaced. Which leads me to my next What To Do (that is actually a what not to do)…
5. When you do find out he’s been screwing around, don’t obsess about her/him/it/them (the “other”).
IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER.Keep repeating this one, over and over until it’s burned into your cerebrum. I wasted non-refundable hours of my life wondering who this person was, what she looked like, what her story was, was she hot, was she young or old, did she have kids, what did she have that I didn’t??? Waste of time. Because, honestly, who cares a whit about her? All you need to know is that, in the long run, she has done you a favor. As poor betrayed Addison on Grey’s Anatomy once said, “I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me.” Why would you? Life is short. Don’t waste a precious second of it giving them another thought.
Of course, if kids are involved, you do need to know that they are safe when not in your care. I wasn’t thrilled to learn that the person who was now playing Mommy with my kids 4 days a month was a recently divorced smoker and likes her drinkies, but as far as I know I don’t have to worry about their safety (although the head shaving incident was spooky).
In my situation, once I did finally see this person face to face, I felt oddly let down. She wasn’t a stunner. She isn’t ugly, but she wasn’t the Jessica Rabbit I had pictured in my mind. As one of my friend’s husbands said, “She kind of looks like she was rode hard, and put away wet.” So all of that going ape-shit with curiosity was for naught. It was like waiting for some ominous test results (like the HIV test I took, literally the day after I found out about Secretary) and then finding out it’s nothing. Quite literally, nothing.
6. Heard about the Divorce Diet?
It’s real. Take advantage of it if you’re chubby. If you are a foodie, like me, this may very well be the one and only time in your life when you truly cannot eat. But you have to, so make sure you don’t starve. This was the time in my life when I really used my gym membership to its full capacity. There is no therapy in the world that can beat ears full of high-volume kick ass music and a treadmill. You forget your woes for an hour or so, and all those endorphins will, at the very least, keep you from crying on the way home from the club.
Trust me, though, the Divorce Diet isn’t known for its longevity. After a while, life settles down and you start to feel human again, and your past comforts will do what they have always done best: comfort you. If you are smart, you will keep that gym membership or at the very least, do some sort of exercise several times a week. It will keep all of those feel-good hormones chugging through your system which can help out in many, many areas of day to day life. Like when you realize one of the other things that no one tells you….
7. Have some sex.
Sex after divorce is awesome. Really. When you have it, that is. Gone is the baggage that you and your now-former husband kept in the bedroom. There are no more feelings of guilt for not wanting it. When you’re single again, trust me. You want it. There is none of the pretending to be asleep when you feel that hand under the covers, or when you are 100% sure that’s not the remote you feel poking you in the back. With single sex, you most likely have a very limited window of time to do the deed, in addition to the dinner/movie/Segway tour that leads to the nookie (yes I said Segway tour.
God Help Me. That was the craigslist victim. We’ll get to him soon).
You get to feel that rush of taking a big naughty leap again, and the rush is fun. And even if the sex is less than awesome, you get the freedom of NOT HAVING TO DO IT AGAIN. And again and again for 12 mind-numbing years…oops. Got off track. It’s kind of a sick thrill to get ready for a date and wonder what Bachelor #3 has in his bag of tricks. There really are other fish in the sea…some wonderful, fun fish who are not total assholes.
What I’m saying is this: There is good everywhere, even among the wreckage of a marriage that has gone off the tracks. Life will be completely different for you now, but when you think about it, maybe that isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes even something as devastating as being left behind can be a gift.
How to Move on When Your Husband Leaves You
Life will be different and, in time, you’ll adjust to that difference and learn that plan B is as good as Plan A was. There are 5 steps to moving on after a divorce you didn’t want.
- Choose happiness
- Allow yourself to mourn
- Accept that your marriage is over
- Let empathy be your guiding emotion
- Stay open to possibilities
Happiness really is a choice. You may not be happy that your husband left you BUT, that isn’t all there is to your life. You have the option of choosing to focus on the pain caused by his leaving or, focus on the areas of your life that bring you happiness. You will be better served if you don’t allow what has happened to you to detract from the other wonderful things in life.
Do some research on grief. Grieving the end of your marriage will be a process. Arm yourself with knowledge and allow yourself to flow freely through each step of the grieving process.
Acceptance is key to your ability to move on when your husband leaves you. You can’t control his decision, you can’t control whether or not your marriage will be restored. Fighting against the reality of him being gone, keeps you stuck in a painful place of wishing and hoping instead of moving you to a place of looking forward to what life has to offer.
Accept that it’s over! You accepting that your marriage is ending won’t keep him from coming home again if he decides that’s what he wants. Acceptance allows you to focus on you and your life!
He has left, torn your world upside down and shattered your heart. Most people respond to such actions by other people with anger. Anger turns to resentment and resentment turns into bitterness. You have a choice, you can attempt to understand why he has left, empathize with the choice he has made and move on with a lighter heart.
If he left for another woman, empathize with both of them because relationships built on the foundation of fidelity are a recipe for disaster. If he left because of an emotional crisis, empathize with him because he is in a fragile place and is allowing it to destroy his marriage. You’ll be better for it!
Staying open to possibilities, in a nutshell, means that, in most cases, divorce is an opportunity. You don’t want to miss the opportunities that come with divorce by closing yourself off to possibilities.
This could mean a new man and a better relationship. It could mean a new job in a new city. It could mean learning the fulfillment of taking care of yourself financially after years of being dependent on him. Don’t overlook the good that will come your way because all you can focus on is the pain you’re in.
FAQs about a Husband Leaving:
Has my husband found someone else if he’s leaving?
If your husband is leaving you, it may be for the other woman. Make sure you understand why your husband is leaving you because you may find yourself laboring in vain to make him stay if he intends to be with his affair partner.
Should I find out who my husband is cheating me with?
It’s not worth your time to go look for the woman your husband is cheating you with. Life is too precious to be wasted in such a way. You can blame your husband’s affair partner, but do understand the fact that she has also done you a favor by exposing a cheater.
Should I go on a divorce diet?
Divorce diet isn’t known for its longevity.
You can, however, opt for divorce diet if you want to shed some extra fat.
How soon should I have sex after divorce?
There is no reason for you to hold back sex after divorce. With no legal or moral strings attached, women find sex after divorce to be an awesome experience.
How to move on when your husband leaves you?
Depending on the length and nature of your relationship, you can yourself choose a path to move on when your husband leaves you. It could involve therapy, coaching or support groups. However, there are a few things that you can try yourself to move on. These include choosing happiness, accepting divorce, mourning the loss of your marriage, being empathetic towards your own self, and exploring new possibilities.
9 Kick-Ass Things To Do If Your Husband Leaves You
Adulting isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, especially when painful adult experiences throw you back into an emotional childhood. If your husband leaves you, for example, you may feel the somatic eruption of memories from long ago.
Abandonment. Disapproval. Rejection. Being unwanted… and the last to be chosen (if chosen at all).
It’s remarkable, really, how instantly a painful experience can connect the dots separated by a veritable lifetime.
Your psyche, though, never forgets. It stores the most affecting memories in every cell of your body.
Even if your husband leaves you and you have no point of reference for the emotional flood, the abandonment will still be all-consuming.
And with that abandonment and the litany of emotions tied to it comes a wave of destruction to all that is self-defining.
Your self-esteem, your self-worth, your self-confidence, your dreams for the future, your belief that you can survive…even your identity. They all take a beating.
Perhaps the most egregious feeling that comes from abandonment is powerlessness.
With the swipe of one person’s actions, you become helpless to control a huge part of your own life. And you’re left standing alone with that new reality.
Is there anything you can do to re-empower yourself if your husband leaves you?
You know, don’t you, that we are here to restore the inherent yes in your life?
This is the place where others who have already earned their stripes are going to surround you and lift you up with a resounding “Absolutely!”
- Be TOO proud to beg.
It doesn’t matter what your husband has done or why he has chosen to leave. In the movie Where the Heart Is, Ashley Judd’s character says to a young mom-to-be (Natalie Portman), “I know [he] left you. But that’s what makes him trash, not you.”
If your husband leaves you, he does so with forethought and planning. And trust us, you are above begging for that kind of base energy to come back into your life.
Do. Not. Beg.
- Document, document, document.
This isn’t about revenge – although success and happiness earned through integrity make for the suh-weetest revenge!
This is about being smart and protecting yourself and your children.
If you’re going to have to look out for yourself going forward, the time to rehearse is now.
Save everything. Documents, emails, texts, voice messages (let your voicemail pick up instead of answering your phone), pictures, everything.
Keep a dedicated journal for documenting dates, times, communication, and financial actions.Basically, be a grown-up Girl Scout: Be prepared. You’ll reap the merit badge in the battle to come. Read our “If You are Thinking About Divorce: Important Steps to be Prepared.”
- Think like a lawyer, but hire a really good one.
This isn’t the time to DIY your future. There is too much at stake if your husband leaves you.
Chances are he has been preparing for a while, and that means you have catching up to do.
For both healthy and smart things to do if you are thinking about divorce, or not wanting to be taken advantage of, read our “36 Things to Do If You are Thinking About Divorce.
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It’s important that you learn to separate your emotions from the pragmatics of this severance.
By researching how to find a divorce attorney and in particular the right one for you, you will learn how to prepare for the most advantageous outcome.
- Join a support group, or two… or three.
This is a time when you need support.You need the professional support of legal and financial experts. And you also need the emotional support of others who have been where you are.
Be prudent about where and with whom you share this journey.
Consider hiring a female divorce coach to keep you on-track through this painful and confusing journey.
And join a group or two (one online and one in person, perhaps) to give you a sense of empathetic community.
Annie’s Group, for example, is an online divorce support group and program for women who are thinking about or just beginning divorce.
What a godsend opportunity to surround yourself with assurance, compassion, and guidance in a confidential place. - Keep the details off social media.
As I mentioned above, prudence is key at this time. You want support. You need support.
And you also probably want to drag your husband through burning coals, literally and figuratively.
But let’s review the previous two points: Think like a lawyer…and seek support in the right places.
It’s all part of the next point…
- Take the high road.
Remember Michelle Obama’s famous tagline? When they go low, we go high.
Politics and political preference don’t even matter. It’s an awesome mantra to live by, no matter what the circumstances are.
Taking the high road has nothing to do with acquiescence or playing weak.
It has everything to do with staying out of the muddy trenches and connecting your energy only to people and choices of integrity.
Never, ever, ever doubt that staying on high ground will deliver the best results.
You may feel the temporary agony of delayed gratification, but stay true to what is right and good.
- Protect your kids and prepare for their future.
If you have difficulty standing up for yourself or fighting for what you deserve, think about your kids (if you have them).How you navigate the aftermath if your husband leaves you is about more than just getting through the divorce process. You need to look far down the road while also checking your rear-view mirror.
Children are expensive. They need health insurance, food, clothes, tuition, activity fees, college funds, and on and on.
This is one of the most important reasons to build the strongest professional team you can afford.
- Find a new place to live.
No matter how much you love your home, clinging to it will only keep you attached to someone who has abandoned you.
This is the time to recreate yourself and your life.Give yourself permission to enjoy the creative process of choosing and nesting in a new place that belongs only to you (and your kids).
Sure, you may have to downsize for the time being. But that just means less “stuff” to take care of while you do the following…
- Take really good care of you.
If your husband leaves you, he may or may not ever look back.
While it’s natural to want him to miss you and regret his actions, you are now in the process of clearing out his negative energy.
Practicing self care is no longer about making his head turn in desire or regret.It’s about stepping out of rejection and abandonment with limitless energy, health, and self-confidence.
Your kids need you, your friends need you, you need you.
So, whatever that self-care looks like—exercise, good food, sound sleep, continuing education, spirituality/religion, hobbies, social gatherings—do it.
Consistently.
Abandonment is a vile, passive-aggressive form of rejection. It hurts… deeply. And the wound doesn’t simply “heal” with time.
While there is no panacea for that kind of betrayal, one truth will ground you so you can step forward into healing:
The only abandonment with the power to destroy you is the abandonment of yourself.
And the only vow that must unequivocally last a lifetime is the “I do” you say to you.
Notes
Whether you are thinking about divorce, dealing with it, or recreating the life you deserve, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do it alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of breaking up and reinventing.
SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you—and your precious future.
Join our tribe and stay connected.
How can a woman survive the departure of her husband? Advice from psychologists
On Sunday, August 9, at 10:10 a.m., the MIR TV channel will start showing the multi-episode television series It Doesn't Get Better. The main character Victoria is used to living in abundance and prosperity. She has an exemplary husband and child, a beautiful and rich house, cheerful and successful friends. And possible problems are solved for years to come. But it suddenly turns out that fate gave her all this on credit. And now it's time to pay the bills. The husband suddenly announces that he has found another. And Vika is forced to start a new life. Without money, with a child, she moves to live with her son's nanny. And gradually he learns the real price of everything: money, meanness, and love.
A shot from the television series “It doesn't get better”. Director: Evgeny Semyonov. 2015
Watch on Sunday, August 9, at 10:10 on the MIR TV channel the first episode of the film "It doesn't get better".
Stories like this happen not only in movies. Psychologists, psychotherapists and coaches spoke about how a woman can survive the departure of her husband in real life in an interview with a MIR 24 correspondent.
“Pain, despair, suffering, disappointment, anger, misunderstanding of the meaning of distant life – these are the first emotions experienced by a woman after her husband leaves. For whatever reasons a divorce happens, no matter how ready people are for it, the emotions experienced by a person are sometimes akin to those that occur at the death of a loved one, ”says family psychologist-consultant Natalia Trukhina .
Of course, there is a difference in what year the divorce happened, what obligations the spouses are burdened with. If two or three years have passed, there are no children, jointly acquired property, then in such a situation it is much easier to survive what happened. There are only personal emotions and feelings. When, during the marriage, children are born to the spouses, they have acquired some kind of property, or they have other joint obligations, then, in addition to emotions, problems arise that fall - on one or both - with a heavy burden.
“In any case, the departure of a husband is a difficult psychological moment, accompanied by depression, irritability, unwillingness to accept the situation, resentment, hatred,” says Natalya Trukhina. – It is possible and even necessary to understand such a woman. At this time, support and help is important.”
From denial to acceptance
According to psychologist, psychoanalyst Dmitry Neshchadim , first you need to decide: did your relationship end or did you decide to wait for your husband to return back? “In the second case, it means that you choose to be in limbo, you give the key to your heart in his breast pocket. In other words, you are in his power, and there is practically nothing you can do here, says the psychologist. - If you decide to end the relationship, then it will be a difficult and painful path. But, moving along it, you have a chance to find new meanings in life.
What needs to be done to start this movement? According to the psychoanalyst, first of all, you need to determine the goal and draw a map of this movement.
You can literally draw it with your hands and paints, in any case, visualize all the stages for yourself.
The goal is to let go of your husband and open yourself to a new life. The roadmap will look something like this: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
- Negative. According to Dmitry Neshchadim, it is perfectly normal to deny this in the first moments of the husband's departure. It will seem to you that he will return and in everyone you meet you will see him (the image of a ghost).
- Anger. Further, it is natural that you will begin to get angry at the departed, as you often get angry at the deceased who left his family without a breadwinner (the image of mourners at a funeral).
- Trade. After some time, bargaining with God (or with the Universe, with fate) may arise, where thoughts of a magical exchange for the return of a spouse (the image of a woman praying on her knees) will visit.
- Depression. The biggest section of the path will be depression, where the world will plunge into sadness, and you will not see the point to go further (the image of a woman curled up in a snail on the bed). In this area, support and assistance from the outside is especially needed.
- Acceptance. And at the end of the journey you will be able to see a new dawn in life again (the image of a girl sitting on the beach and meeting the dawn).
Such a movement towards liberation and acceptance, according to the psychologist, can take from a year to a year and a half, if you do not get stuck somewhere along the way. Naturally, at some point you can return to the already passed sections of the path, but after that you will start moving forward again. The process itself is important.
“The easiest way for this period is to find an understanding and sensitive psychologist who will help you go through all these areas together,” says Dmitry Neshchadim.
Also, don't waste your health. Loss is stress that can poison the body with stress metabolites (toxins). They will need to be removed through sweat, tears and so on. Any sport and active lifestyle you prefer will do.
“He left me” or “we broke up”?
Agree that how you experience your breakup depends on your perception. “If you say “he left me, he left me for another”, then this is a clear perception of a victim and an abandoned toy, and as a result, you feel helpless and resentful,” says psychologist, coach Lilia Levitskaya . “If you say to yourself “it didn’t work out for us, we broke up,” then this is a completely different formulation of the question.”
According to the psychologist, the departure of one person from a couple is always a consequence of the disease of the system, which means that something important was either missed from the very beginning or did not work out in the process, and this is already a reason for serious reflection.
It is needed in order to distinguish between responsibility, to understand yourself and him. And survive the pain, and as a result, first let go, and then, after some time, build a new relationship without the burden of old grievances.
In the process of experiencing, it will be important to see how you chose each other, whether you were in a real relationship, and whether it was really good for the two of you in this relationship. After all, the stamp in the passport is only the very beginning of the project, and this project can either succeed or fail, this is normal. For everything to work out, the contribution and desire of both is important.
“If it is difficult to cope on your own, then it is better to turn to a specialist in order to talk about your pain and understand the experience, get rid of unnecessary things and allow yourself to continue to be happy,” the coach believes.
Life hacks to move on
As psychologist Natalia Trukhina warns, sharing your grief with friends and loved ones is not always a good idea.
This is due to the fact that close people who are dedicated to the life of this family can give a very subjective assessment of the situation, taking sides, seeing the situation too one-sidedly, sometimes interpreting it through the prism of their personal relationship to the person. Such “help” can lead a woman to hate her ex-husband, refuse him dates with children, and take revenge. Thus, turning his life into an eternal conflict. Such a scenario will definitely lead to depression, to conflicts with the child, dissatisfaction with one's own life and, ultimately, to the inability to build one's new life.
What should a woman do if her husband has left her, but who wants to continue living a normal life, raising a child in peace, and possibly building new relationships in the future? Here are some tips from coach Natalia Trukhina:
Survive negative emotions . As Haruki Murakami said, “Pain is inevitable, suffering is a matter of personal choice.” Allow yourself to be in this state for a few days.
Yes, misfortune happened to you, yes, you were left alone - take pity on yourself, cry. You are even allowed to yell, tear or break something - to take out your pain, resentment. Now the most important thing is to release your negative emotions. Manifest them without letting them get stuck and torment you for a long time afterwards.
However, if you have a child, make sure that he is not present. Do not overload his psyche with these emotions. Do not discuss this point with him until you have figured out yourself.
Find support . Express all your pain to people you trust. But ask at this moment not to discuss what happened, not to evaluate, not to blame someone. You need to throw out emotions, and not listen to someone else's opinion. But the words of support are not superfluous: they will help you survive the pain. After you feel relieved, you can reason more sensibly. After all, life goes on and you need to start returning to it as soon as possible.
Get distracted by any means .
At the first stage, it is very important not to get stuck in negative emotions. Go to the theatre, meet your friends, spend time with your child in interesting places, change your hair, go shopping and update your wardrobe. Allow yourself what you have long wanted, but did not allow before.
The less you feel sad, worry, blame, torment yourself and others with your negative thoughts, the faster you will find peace and start a new life!
Do a general cleaning . This is an important ritual! By arranging a wet cleaning, you will, as it were, wash away all the negativity, all its destructive energy. You will feel relief and release.
Do not destroy the image of the father for the child . Whatever happens between the parents, the child should not suffer because of it. Do not manipulate him, do not set him against his father. Let him see him, spend time together. Remember that all your negative words and actions will affect his future.
Forgive the husband whatever the reason for leaving. While you are angry with him, while you hold a grudge, you do not live your life, you will not be able to understand the situation, you will not be able to draw the right conclusions. Free yourself from these negative emotions, then you can objectively look at what happened and move on.
Engage in self-knowledge and self-development . Look at this situation as a non-random one in your life. Like a moment that gave you the opportunity to learn, look back, figure it out and find a way out so as not to repeat the mistakes that led to this outcome of your marriage.
After all, a common mistake of married women is "dissolving" in children or in a husband. Sometimes a woman simply turns into a mother, ceasing to develop herself, take care of herself and be interesting as a woman. Look around, think about what your life is like, where did you get lost when you stopped being a “real woman”?
Define your goal for the future.
Answer the questions: what is important to you? How do you see your life after divorce? What kind of life would you like for yourself, for your child? Imagine your desired future. Every day, take small but continuous steps towards this beautiful future.
Learn to be a “wise woman” . Fate has given you a chance to start a new life in which you can understand yourself, your strength, your best qualities. Nature has endowed a woman with great potential, which she often does not know how to use. The energy of a woman is so strong that she can both make her family happy and destroy her. Find the right literature for yourself, sign up for trainings, work with a psychologist to learn how to be a “wise woman”.
And remember: you will succeed!
Husband left for another. How to survive a divorce and move on? | Man and woman
Howling under the shower and into the pillow, whimpering quietly on a bench in a deserted park, silently crying in public transport, screaming loudly and desperately in nature.
.. if he left yesterday, a month ago or six months ago.
You are a living person and you do not have to restrain yourself when you are cut without knife and without anesthesia. When you simultaneously experience three of the most disgusting and unbearable feelings at once: shame, pain and fear.
When the mere thought that he has been coming to your bed for a long time from someone else makes you sick and turns inside out. And you no longer remember the last time you ate, slept, breathed.
When you feel like the heroine of some cheap TV series. And it is so disgusting that you have been assigned the role of a victim (a deceived wife) in it without your consent and knowledge.
And from the banality and limitations of the plot, you want to howl. Photo: Depositphotos
Howl. He managed to destroy your ideal World, in which he was the main character. And it seems that everything has passed by: love, career and the most wonderful years. And your whole life is a continuous chain of failures.
Trouble has a rich imagination. It will suddenly seem to you that you are dying, and for a moment you even want it. But then you will realize that you died a long time ago - when you learned to get by, and then completely stopped feeling the need for a hot hug and kiss from a man.
The last thing you want to do is discuss your problems with everyone.
Other people's advice and opinions will only interfere with understanding their feelings and desires. But next to you will be the closest and dearest person: a faithful and loving sister, mother or girlfriend who simply will not allow you to self-destruct.
Day and night you will feverishly try to find answers to questions that choke you. How could this happen to me? What did I do wrong? I was deaf, where were my eyes? What am I bad at? Why is she better than me? But what about children? How to live on... Photo: Depositphotos
And then, when the whole life will be sifted by you through a sieve, the answers will come by themselves. Neither mind, nor charm, nor caring, and even your fidelity can not be vaccinated against her husband's infidelity.
And naivety and gullibility is a disaster, not your fault.
Young beauties and devoted girlfriends, housewives and successful ladies are cheated on a daily basis. You tried, and you have nothing to reproach yourself with. And children are smart, they will understand everything and become stronger. And she is not smarter than you, not more beautiful, perhaps younger, but this is not her merit ...
And a little later you will ask yourself completely different questions.
- Did you really feel good together?
- When and why did you stop believing in yourself next to him?
- What exactly did you lose with his departure?
- When was the last time he was gentle and affectionate with you?
- Was there love at all?
“Yes, what is it on him alone, scoundrel, the light converged like a wedge or something? But what am I, the worst of all, or what? I can sing and I can dance.
I am cheerful ... Yes, and I do not like him at all. It just doesn't come out of my head. Imposed on the soul " (from the film" Love ").
You will suddenly understand clearly. Your relationship as a couple was far from ideal: I love you for two or three years, and then it’s a habit. And by the time the relationship broke up, there was nothing to fight for, otherwise you would not have given up so easily. Photo: Depositphotos
You just missed each other. It happened to you before that you were ahead of one of your friends in development, or vice versa. And then someone with someone became not interested. And you broke up. So it is with husbands.
“Here she realized, distinctly and bitterly, that for forty years she had been happy with a stranger, with an absolutely stranger…” (V.
Vishnevsky)
. And there is no one to blame, because in development it is every man for himself. It's still early for some, but some run ahead. Interests vary...
And there comes a time in everyone's life when one wants to talk and be only with equals. With those who understand you perfectly.
- Hearing each other is much more important than getting flowers, perfume, or clean socks and a bowl of soup.
You will have enough time to understand that your broken marriage is not a betrayal (no one set out to hurt you), not grief, not trouble, and not even a mistake. This is a lesson. And you are not a victim, not suffered or abandoned, but just a student who has learned this lesson well.
“What is sinful and what someone writes down spiritually is not for us to judge…” (from O. Mityaev's song)
And suddenly you start breathing, eating, sleeping. And, page by page, you will burn the diary in which you wrote about your experiences. You will forget about resentments, because they no longer make sense. You will forgive, because it is necessary and better for you, your children and ... for everyone.
“If you forget, it will become easier… If you forgive, then there will be a holiday…” (poems by Olga Novikova)
With the departure of her husband, life will be different, but not worse at all. And over time, you will learn to take advantage of the opportunities that will open before you.
You will really like to take care of yourself, cook breakfast for yourself in the morning, and not for him breakfast ... Photo: Depositphotos
And after such a general cleaning in your thoughts, deeds, house, you will feel renewed, light, resolute. The lacrimal canals will be washed out, all receptors will revive. And life will not seem so monotonous.
And no more tantrums about fading youth, because you know for sure that at 45, 55 and even 60... life is just beginning. You will also remember wonderful events from your life together. They were just overshadowed by what happened, and you forgot about them for a while.
- I loved you the best I could.
We have given each other a lot. I take some of the responsibility for what didn't work out, and I leave you yours. And I release you in peace.
And you won't rule out the possibility someday after a divorce to establish friendly relations with former for the sake of your children and for yourself. After all, who said that having a husband is more valuable than having a good, trusted friend?!
- Sometimes we lose what we don't need at all. We lose to understand exactly what we need.
You will accept this imperfect world and, wanting to make it a little better, you will start with yourself. You will have a keen desire to start a new business, travel, renew acquaintances and make new ones ...
You have already been a charming mistress of the house and you coped wonderfully with this role.
You will finally want to go beyond wife and mother. And you will feel a great need for tenderness, in intimacy, in a trusting relationship. You want to feel wanted again.
And you will believe that very soon your person will smile and hug you tightly and tenderly. And he will be sincerely interested in you and your impressions of life.
“…But you believe — and they will believe… Start by yourself — it will start all around…
And you open the doors by attraction. And you LOVE! — and you will be credited…” (poems by Olga Novikova)
But now you will always remember that parting with your loved one is inevitable sooner or later. And you will appreciate every day with him.
You will be happy to take care of him without losing yourself at the same time.
And so that the ardor of your male hunter does not cool down, again and again you will charm not only him, but the entire male population of the planet. So that your beloved does not think that you will not get anywhere from him.
“I want to be loved… And I WILL! I want to be happy… AND I WILL!
ABOUT LOVE… I will never forget! I WILL NOT STOP BELIEVE IN A MIRACLE! (poems by Olga Novikova)
Now your life will be different, real, correct - meaningful, with wide-open eyes and heart. You will be aware of other people's suffering, and solutions to problems will come easily.
“It's so easy to be happy, dear! You just have to love what you have.
