How to maintain no contact

How To Make It Easier & More Effective

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes

The No Contact Rule is something that we are all familiar with post-breakup.

The No Contact Rule is defined as a set period of time in which you do not contact or respond to your ex whatsoever. It’s where you go radio silent.

You use the no contact period to grieve your relationship and as progress is built, you start to view your ex in the light of reality, as opposed to the filter of potential. Not every breakup requires that you go no contact, but I have found that it is always necessary to implement after the breakup of a toxic relationship with an ex who lacks boundaries.

I think that the No Contact Rule is one of the most effective ways to level the playing field and regain your power after a breakup. Many resources online (literally) sell it as a way to get your ex back. I have two issues with this…

If it takes someone having to lose you to: be honest with you, value you, and recognize your worth… the relationship is never going to work. Why reduce yourself to a set of car keys that someone only realizes how important and necessary they are only when they are lost?
If you implement the No Contact Rule with your ex just to get him/her to react, freak out, and want you back… you are essentially communicating with your actions that you are okay with your “soulmate” equating a lack of narcissistic control with genuinely desiring you.

I define the No Contact Rule as a way to resurrect your backbone, build unconditional confidence, win your breakup (without minimizing it to a game whatsoever), and attain classy revenge without having to disembark from the dignity, standards, and self-respect that you are trying to rebuild. It is a direct flight to indifference and will solidify your One That Got Away status

only if you do it right.

I hate referring to it as a “rule,” because it just adds to this stigma of feeling more like a formulaic prison sentence that has to be applied for some desired result, rather than what it truly is:

Something that anyone with a shred of dignity, unf*ckwithability, confidence, self-awareness, and self-love would naturally do.

The No Contact Rule is about making the decision to fold in light of having your own back; in spite of your libido, head, and heart being in a state of trigger. Your triggers will fear-monger you into believing that the person you are in no contact with is the sole supplier of your emotional oxygen.

They’re not.

Cutting contact allows you to create your own closure so that you can heal, deal, and regain control over your emotions. It allows you to process your feelings and ultimately decide how you want to proceed.

This isn’t about some “30/60/90-day plan,” or a certain formula. And it should never be about eliciting a reaction or being immature, hurtful, spiteful or mean.

The No Contact Rule is about choosing to fold after witnessing how someone has unfolded. It’s waving your white flag to all of their red ones.

And like I’ve said, going no contact is the best One That Got Away, white horse Jedi move you can ever make. You are gracefully accepting through your actions that this person cannot give you what you want and deserve – whether that be honesty, respect, consistency, maturity, answers, commitment, etc.

And as great as it all sounds…

Whether you’re the one implementing no contact or you’re on the receiving end of it – the No Contact Rule can also break your heart and mind f*ck you MORE than your actual breakup.

In the past, going no contact after a breakup made me obsess over and question everything to the point of emotional suicide. It was a nonstop tug-of-war. I exhausted everyone around me with a set of ears. And when I had nowhere to turn, I’d always humiliatingly return to the relationship graveyard at the expense of my dignity.

Nowadays, if I make the decision to cut contact with someone, I never feel bad about it because they handed me the scissors. I no longer base my worth on someone handing me scissors. That’s on them. What am I supposed to do with scissors? Put them in my pocket and risk further injury? Scissors are meant to cut – not to put in your pocket so you have a license to feel sorry for yourself or throwback in an attempt to cause pain. View people’s heartbreaking & disrespectful behavior as the gift that it is and always will be: Scissors to cut yourself OUT of their bullsh*t.

But still…

Whether it’s with an ex, a friend, or a family member...

Being in no contact can provide a perfect storm for you to act upon the normal fears and anxieties associated with cutting someone off who in many cases, you still see a future with.

You want your ex to know how much he/she has hurt you.
You want them to feel enough genuine remorse that they own up to what they really did and apologize.
You want them to realize what they’ve lost.
You want them to take accountability so that you can be friends again and possibly, eventually go back to the way it was.
You want to know that they haven’t forgotten about you.

You need affirmation that you aren’t as discardable as their actions/inactions and deceit have made you feel.
You don’t want to come across as immature or mean for implementing the No Contact Rule.
You want to know what to do because you’re in no contact and… your ex JUST TEXED YOU.

You want to know if you’re really even doing the right thing by implementing the No Contact Rule.

So many wants and what-ifs.

It’s time to simplify.

What you need to know about going no contact with an ex…

There’s really no set amount of time. I’m still in no contact with people from years and years ago. I don’t make a concerted effort to not call them and I’m never thinking about it. I’m just living my life.

If you’re fresh off a breakup and you want to know how long to implement the No Contact Rule, understand that contact should only be re-established when you’ve healed and there is a genuine desire for reconciliation on the other person’s end (as opposed to panicking because they’ve lost their narcissistic air supply).

You should never telephonically, technologically, or physically chase after anyone who participated in your dishonoring.

If you feel like communicating with your ex in any way would cost you or be a betrayal to your instinct… stay in no contact. The sky won’t fall. It boils down to whenever YOU feel good about it.

But what if my ex texts me? How do I respond if I’m implementing the No Contact Rule and they ask me a direct question?

If your ex reaches out to you, it can really mess with you and also be passively manipulative and downright, selfishly cruel. Especially if you’re still dealing with the heartbreak and sense of loss associated with their absence. The best way to disable your triggers and make sense of what to do is to establish what kind of contact it really is.

There is a difference between selfish regret and genuine remorse. Not all contact from your ex is indicative of genuine remorse, wanting to reconcile or make things right on any level – even as friends.

After a breakup, you are at your most vulnerable. It can be really hard to discern if the contact from your ex is them throwing you crumbs or taking a step toward wanting to reconcile in any way, with consideration of your feelings and awareness of what they did.

Basically, any kind of contact from your ex that does not clearly communicate the intent to listen to you, to make things right (without knowing if you’ll even be open to it), to apologize, and to reconcile is crumb throwing.

Examples of crumb-throwing texts: “I’m sorry,” “I miss you,” “Hope that you’re doing well,” “Hi. Please let me know if you’re okay,” etc. I also have a huge problem with exclamation marks. Whenever you get a “hey!” or a “hi!!” it just reeks of disingenuous, “I’m-going-to-pretend-like-I’m-doing-well-and-keeping-the-convo-light-despite-the-fact-that-I-hurt-you-and-was-a-complete-piece-of-sh*t.”

The thing is, if you take your nerves/insecurities/emotions out of the equation and examine it logically, NONE of these lame forms of chain-yanking express any genuine remorse or desire to work on making things right, taking a step forward, reconciling or awareness of what they did to cause to you to implement the No Contact Rule on them.

Remember this: The No Contact Rule is a time for you to heal. It’s a time for your ex to experience the reality of your absence and the consequences of their actions, inactions, and decisions.

Hearing from you allows them to feel: 1) an ego boost 2) like you’re still an option 3) less guilty for what they did/didn’t do.

So how do you respond?

First of all, you don’t need to. If you get crumbs thrown your way in the name of a chain-yanking text and DO want to respond (I am against this but if you feel like you have to)… Always be kind, polite, and extremely short. End it. Don’t keep the conversation going.

Why?

It shows that you’re living your life, moving on and that you place a high value on yourself and your time. It also shows that it’s going to take more than a few indirect texts to be in communication with you. When you hold yourself in high regard, crumbs will never be able to validate you because you’re already validating yourself.

Your ex wanting to know how you’re doing, who you’re doing, or what you’ve been up to makes no sense when they made decisions that caused a fracture in your relationship. And if you’re on your way and healing, their behavior during no contact can actually affirm why you want to remain in it.

If someone truly wants to make things right, reconcile and apologize, believe me when I say they will be empathetically direct about it and won’t stop at a few lame texts.

First of all, there’s nothing rude or immature about cutting communication with someone who hurt you. In fact, it’s about the most mature thing that you can do and the surest way to command respect. You’re doing something that 99% of the population can’t (speaking with your actions).

A few years ago, an ex texted me that he missed me and that “life just wasn’t the same.” I took the bait and this is what I’ve learned along the way: Missing someone does not equal wanting them back, being genuinely remorseful, wanting to apologize (first and foremost as a friend), wanting to reconcile, being selfless , and empathizing with you on any level.

Your ex made decisions in the relationship with you that came with the risk of losing you. Let them know through your silence and absence that you acknowledge (instead of excuse) those decisions. And let them live with it.

When you choose to remain in contact with your ex in an effort to numb your fears and insecurities, you are basically communicating to your ex that he can find much better than you.

How? If you can’t walk away from someone who disrespected you, then you are not someone worth having for more than a momentary doormatting session.

This isn’t about game playing at all. It’s about not being desperate and setting your own standards. The right man/woman will appreciate it.

No matter what, always put yourself, your well-being, and healing first.

Take good care of your heart and stop going back to an ex who has broken it before, by responding to crumb-throwing, chain-yanking texts. This kind of communication is an insult to your intelligence and instinct.

Your disgust needs to outweigh your desperation.

Remember, If someone has to completely lose you to recognize your value, worth, and irreplaceability, that’s like adding insult to injury.

It will only flatter you if you suffer from low self-esteem.

Plus, you’ll never feel good about being with someone that you had to pull the communication plug on for them to “snap into shape.”

You’re not running an emotional daycare center.

There are PLENTY of adults in this world who can stand on both intellectual, emotional, and empathetic feet. Take your focus off the emotional bed sh*tter that your ex has proven to be.

This isn’t about having a lack of experience in serious relationships, it’s about having a lack of honesty, empathy, respect, and humanity.

Don’t be so desperate that you derive value from orchestrating emotional operas.

Slow down. IF friendship happens, it happens when you’ve both healed and they’ve proven to be worthy of and interested in genuine friendship. if they are toxic, forget about it.

To give you some perspective, I’m good friends with only one of my exes.

I want my ex to know how wrong what they did was and how much it hurt me. Will implementing the No Contact Rule do this?

If you have to literally spell it out for someone how to empathize with you, be honest with you and apologize…

HOW is that sexy? HOW can you respect that?

And without empathy or respect, there.is.no.relationship.

If you realize this, you will become the type of person that exes lose their minds over.

Ultimately, you have to do what’s best for you. What will NEVER be best for you is engaging with anyone who can’t see your value. Not because you don’t have any, but because they can’t see their own.

Live your life, be kind, and be your own best friend first.

x Natasha Adamo

For access to The No Contact Contract, an in-depth course, click here to become an Emotional Mastery Member. If you’re looking for more personalized, one-on-one help, you can work directly with Natasha Adamo here.

More Relationship Advice

18 Tips on How to Stay Strong During No Contact

In This Article

There may be times when you feel like your relationship needs a break. This could cause you to want to take a no contact break, which means you should not contact your ex for a set number of days, in order to decide if you want to continue in the relationship.

Here’s a look at what to do and how to stay strong during no contact.

What is the no contact rule?

Generally speaking, the no contact rule calls for you to close off contact with an ex for a period of time, which should allow you time to determine if your relationship is still working and what you want to do about it.

It may be difficult to know when to go no contact, but it might be necessary when you feel like your relationship is one-sided or you think you need a break.

You can specify how many days you would like to go no contact and after that time, you should be able to determine what you want to do next.

Related Reading: What Is the Psychology of No Contact on the Dumper?

For more information on taking a break in a relationship, view this video:

Does no contact work?

In many cases, no contact does work. For some couples, it allows them to get the break they need and come together to discuss their problems and move forward with the relationship.

In other instances, you may discover that the relationship is not what you want and decide to move on to the next chapter of your life.

For certain individuals, they may feel like why is no contact so hard, and this is a valid question.

It may be difficult not to talk to your partner, even if you are upset with them, but spending time apart and not talking can be an effective tool to help you stay focused on your goals and decide what’s right for you.

Related Reading: Will No Contact Work If He Has Lost Feelings

How to stick to No Contact

You may be puzzled when it comes to how to get through no contact. This is understandable, considering it can be trying to ignore contact from the person you spend the most time with.

However, the best ways to avoid contacting your ex are keeping yourself busy and staying off of social media. Here’s a look at other tips on staying strong during no contact.

18 tips for how to stay strong during No Contact

Even when you know that you want a no contact separation, you may be at a loss when it comes to how to stay strong during no contact. Here are some tips that you can try to make the process easier on you.

1. Stay busy

You are likely wondering what to do during no contact. It doesn’t really matter what you spend your time doing, but it helps if you are able to stay busy.

Consider doing things that you weren’t able to do when you were with your partner or doing your best to figure out what you like to do and engaging in that type of activity.

2. Take a social media break

Something else that may be necessary when you are struggling with no contact is taking a break from social media. Not only can think help your mental health, but it can ensure that you don’t see posts by your ex or his friends.

It will also make it more difficult for you to message your ex and for them to message you.

3. Spend time with loved ones

You may be able to get no contact encouragement if you spend time with loved ones and people that care about you.

Not only can they distract you from what is going on, but they may also be able to provide you with helpful relationship advice or their point of view on the matter.

Related Reading: 5 Benefits of Spending Time With Family

4.Stay strong

Another way related to how to stay strong during no contact is to try your best not to falter. In other words, keep in mind what you want to accomplish and stick with it. Remember the reasons why you wanted to take a break from your relationship in your mind.

If you weren’t being treated fairly or you were putting so much into it that you were exhausted, consider what you would like to see change before getting back together with your ex.

5. Start a new hobby

You may also want to start a new hobby to stay busy during no contact. Think about watching online videos to learn more about your hobby, investing in some supplies and seeing what you can accomplish.

This can get you through your days and may be a handy way related to how to stay strong during no contact.

6. Remember your goal

Anytime you are losing your no contact motivation, it may be necessary to remind yourself that you are trying to meet a goal. You may be trying to figure out if your relationship is worth saving, or you might be doing your best to improve your overall health.

No matter what you want to achieve, you should consider setting a goal and doing your best to meet it. This can help you in a number of ways, including helping you stay focused.

7. Believe it will work

When you are able to believe that your no contact will work, this may also go a long way into you meeting your goal. Staying positive may not be easy, but this is another aspect of your life that you can talk to loved ones about.

When you are feeling discouraged, you may be able to call your best friend or mom, who will be able to help you keep things in perspective.

8. Pay attention to your needs

Taking care of your own needs may be another way for you to find no contact help. Pamper yourself a little bit, take mental health days, and eat your favorite foods.

Don’t neglect the things you want to do around your house or with your friends. Do all the things you like to do but haven’t been able to for a while. This can help improve your mood.

9. Learn to relax

When you are engaging in activities to help you meet the needs that you have, it may be helpful to learn how to relax as well. You might want to meditate, take long baths, or learn more about aromatherapy.

There are plenty of articles online or books to read on these subjects, if you don’t know where to begin.

10. Take care of your health

It is also imperative that you are taking care of your health during the no contact process. This is especially important when you want to know how to stay strong during a breakup.

You must make sure that you are eating healthy meals, getting enough sleep at night, and exercising. Exercise can help you stay healthy and can also release endorphins, which might allow you to feel better and be able to maintain your mood.

11. Visit with a therapist

Working with a therapist is also a valuable way to consider how to stay strong during no contact.

A therapist should be able to talk to you about the concerns you have for your relationship and help you decide if you want to work it out with your ex or if other options may be more beneficial for your overall health.

12. Take it day to day

It can be overwhelming to not talk to someone for 60 days or more, so it may be helpful to take it day to day. Once you get through another day without calling or messaging your ex, you can congratulate yourself.

You have likely accomplished something that will help you make decisions that are good for you and your future.

13. Ignore messages your ex sends

In some situations, your ex may send messages to try to get you to talk to them. It is important that you ignore these messages and don’t engage with them. This is especially important if you laid out the rules ahead of time.

They should respect you enough to go along with your wishes, and if they don’t, you don’t have to change your actions.

14. Think about your relationship

You can take the time away from your relationship to think about it. You may have been in an unhealthy relationship, and it could take time to process how you were being treated.

When you take the opportunity to work through things that have happened in the past, it may help you take up for yourself in the future.

15. Work on yourself

If you have ever wanted to learn something new or take a class on a specific subject, this may be the time to do so. You should be doing things that make you happy, since you have time to do exactly what you want to do.

This may be helpful for how to maintain no contact. If you are busy learning about wine or cooking, you probably won’t have time to look at your ex’s social media pages.

16. Don’t give up

Hang in there. It can be hard to not text or DM your partner, but you are trying to improve your life and relationship. This is why you should stay silent, even if your ex is trying to goad you into talking to them.

Consider what their motivation may be and if they have changed or learned anything from your break. They may have, but they also may just be trying to get you back under their terms.

17. Keep your mind busy

Thinking about your ex may be something that causes you to want to message them as well. This is why it is important to keep your mind busy.

You may want to catch up on your streaming, watch all your favorite movies, or read more books. This will help you keep your brain working and prevent you from wondering about what your ex is doing.

18. Understand it will be difficult

No matter what period of time you are taking advantage of the no contact rule, it can be difficult. However, you need to do your best when it comes to staying strong after a breakup.

You owe it to yourself to make beneficial decisions for your life and if you wanted a break, there was likely a reason for this. Keep in mind that it will be hard during the process, and it may become a bit easier.

Why is no contact effective?

No contact can be effective when you are able to stick to it. This is because it could signal to your ex that you are not going to let them dictate all the rules of the relationship. They may understand that they must change how they are acting if they want you back.

Although it can be difficult understanding how to stay strong during no contact, you must keep in mind that it will likely be worth it, and you may be able to work things out with your partner.

Will the no contact rule change my ex’s behavior?

There is no guarantee that the no contact rule will change your ex’s behavior, but if they want you back, it might.

Once you have utilized the no contact rule, you should sit down with your ex and lay down your rules and expectations for the relationship moving forward and allow them to do the same. If they are not okay with these rules, you may want to move on from this relationship.

Related Reading: Will No Contact Work If He Has Lost Feelings

Can we still be friends after no contact?

In some situations, you may be able to be friends with your ex after no contact. However, in others, you might want to cut your losses and continue not talking to them.

It is up to you what you want to do in your current situation.

Conclusion

When you are trying to learn more about how to stay strong during no contact, the tips ahead can go a long way into helping you meet that goal.

Be sure to keep in touch with your support system, take care of your needs and health, and talk to a therapist if need be.

Overall, there are many different ways related to how to stay strong during no contact, so it is worth it to try this technique if you want things to change in your relationship.

How to communicate with closed people?

Many of us have had occasion to meet closed people. They can be recognized by the following signs: they avoid conversation, answer in monosyllables, are shy, do not know how to establish contact with others, are not confident in themselves. As a rule, it is difficult to build not only personal relationships, but also work relationships with a closed person. However, if you find an approach to him and treat him with understanding, then the interlocutor will open faster and become more talkative. In this article, we will explain why people withdraw into themselves and how to deal with them.

Causes of isolation

Stress . Tension inside encourages a person to hide from the outside world and not let anyone near him. This is a temporary state that passes as soon as you manage to overcome stress reactions.

Fear . The fear of people and everything new makes a person withdraw in order to avoid awkward situations or problems. But over time, he mastered and gradually begins to open up to others.

Lack of communication skills . The inability to communicate, build relationships, win people over is a problem due to which a person prefers to separate from others.

Low self-esteem . Self-doubt makes a person think that he does not meet the generally accepted standards of society. The easy way out is to avoid people.

How to communicate with closed personalities?

A friendly, sincere attitude and a few other tricks that will help you establish contact with a difficult person.

Do not violate personal boundaries, create comfortable conditions for communication. If you plan to hold a meeting, then warn the person in advance what the conversation will be about, what exactly he needs to prepare so that the interlocutor feels confident and does not expect a catch.
Do not put pressure on a person in a conversation, do not demand an instant answer. Introverted people like to think over every phrase, so they need extra time.
Ask for advice. Each person has a certain competence and is always happy to talk about what he is well versed in.
Avoid harsh and hurtful phrases, try to give constructive and friendly feedback. People of this type are very vulnerable, which means that after unpleasant words they can close themselves even more.
Take breaks in communication. If you see that the interlocutor is tired and wants to end the conversation, do not interfere with him. If it is possible to continue the conversation tomorrow or transfer to correspondence, then select one of the options. If not, then take a break for 5 minutes, offer coffee or water to defuse the situation.

If you want to develop your communication skills and learn how to communicate with all personality types, check out the free online course "Oral and Written Communication". From the course you will learn the principles of effective interaction, types of communication and ways of building relationships.

Support and do no harm A psychologist told how to help a loved one cope with an emotional shock

Finding themselves in a difficult life situation, most people more often turn to friends or family members for support, not to professional psychologists. But not everyone knows how to help a person who is in a depressed emotional state or even depression. Evgeniy Ilyich Morozov, a psychologist at a private clinic at CJSC, told how to properly and effectively support a person in trouble.

Stay close

- When we find out that our friend or relative is in a difficult situation, we usually don't know what to say. But most people who are going through an emotional upheaval are not looking for specific advice, but for support. When a person is hurt, he really needs understanding and sympathy. Therefore, personal contact is one of the effective methods of influence, - the psychologist notes. - Do not leave alone a person who has experienced the misfortune of one, but just stay close. If necessary, you can even move in with him for a while or visit regularly, - says psychologist Morozov. - As a rule, people who have experienced grief remember that friendly hugs and simple words of sympathy and support turned out to be the most effective: “I'm very sorry.” Prophetic phrases like

“Everything will be fine”, on the contrary, cause irritation. They look empty, because no one can know the future.

Don't be intrusive

- It is important not to overdo it with personal contacts, - Evgeny Ilyich emphasizes, - You should not “strangle” with your attention and care. It is enough for a person to feel your presence in his life. Say a simple phrase, "I'm always there and I can listen to you." Do not bother with conversations if the person is not ready to share their experiences, but simply make it clear that you understand what is happening in the soul of your loved one.

Also, don't hang up the phone asking you to keep up to date. Better to write than call. A person can be busy or avoid talking, and he will be able to answer letters, SMS when the opportunity and time arise.

Don't ask for details

- Often you want to know more details and details of what happened. But how can they help? This is a simple manifestation of curiosity, - the psychologist notes, - Imagine for yourself, a person has recently experienced a serious shock in his life, and clarifying the details makes him return to misfortune again and again and again be transported to a moment of acute stress.

Offer specific help

- Someone who finds himself in a difficult situation definitely needs help. Of course, depending on the circumstances, it will be different. Therefore, it is better to immediately assess the situation, inform that you want to help and clarify what exactly can be done, the psychologist recommends.

In a difficult emotional state, as a rule, there is absolutely no strength to do household chores. Therefore, even seeing off the child to school, preparing dinner

or a trip to the store can make life easier for your loved one.

Organize a fundraiser

- People who find themselves in difficult life circumstances often experience financial difficulties. But accepting and, moreover, asking for money is always difficult, the psychologist notes. - Don't ask a person who is in trouble

if he needs money. It is better to organize a fundraiser among your friends yourself, and just hand over the envelope. It will be a good support, you will be grateful.

Do not give useless advice

- You also need to know how to give advice. Phrases from the series "it was necessary to do it wrong, but like this" are useless and cause only irritation, - Evgeny Ilyich notes. - The event has already happened, it will not be possible to return to the past and correct the situation, but

to drive a person into an even greater emotional shock

with such advice - with ease. It is better to give more effective recommendations. For example, to advise some specialist who will help resolve the situation. Give his contact or offer to arrange a meeting with him. This

you will be a real help.

Refuse ratings

- Avoid judging the behavior of the person in distress or his affected relatives and friends. Believe me, those who experience adversity need a judge the last thing. Also, there is no need to escalate the situation and add emotional coloring to it with phrases: "What happened is just awful!" or "He's still so young." Words that are meant to comfort can have the opposite effect.

Learn more