How to keep a narcissist from cheating
10 Narcissist Cheating Signs & How to Confront Them
In This Article
Do you suspect your partner may be cheating on you? Do they tend to disappear for days on end and not answer your calls until they return? Do they get all accusatory when you confront them about disappearances and unfaithful behavior?
Are they constantly glued to their phone and shady on social media?
As much as you may not want to hear it, you may be dealing with a cheating narcissist.
These are only some of the common narcissist cheating signs. But before exploring them, let’s dig deeper into narcissistic cheater traits and the reasons for infidelity.
Who is a narcissistic person?
Narcissistic people often feel entitled and superior to others and have a massive ego that they need to feed regularly. They crave constant attention and want people to admire them.
They are self-centered, manipulative, and often project their infidelity to their partner.
They feel the need to control their partner, and that power trip isn’t satisfied with just one person. The more people they seduce, the more powerful they feel.
Do narcissists feel remorse for cheating on their partners?
Unfortunately, they don’t.
If they felt any guilt, they would perhaps be able to change their behavior and stop cheating.
No consequence is enough to turn them around because, in their eyes, cheating isn’t anything serious. It’s just a way to make them feel better about themselves.
And since they lack remorse for their actions, nothing stops them from doing it again.
Related Reading: Signs You Are Married to a Narcissist
Why do narcissists cheat and lie?
Narcissists often cheat because they have little to no self-control. It’s not usually in their nature to resist the temptation to feed their ego with new sources of attention.
Poor impulse control, a big ego, exaggerated feelings of self-importance, delusions of grandeur, lack of remorse, empathy and shame, and a constant need for narcissistic supply are the key reasons why narcissists lie and cheat on their partners.
Most of all, they simply think they can get away with it.
Now that you have a better idea of why narcissists lie and cheat, you may be wondering:
Do all narcissists cheat on their partners?
Narcissists and cheating often go hand in hand, but you’ll be happy to know that not all narcissists cheat.
You wouldn’t say that all cheaters are narcissists, would you? The same goes the other way around.
Just because your partner may have some narcissistic cheater traits doesn’t mean that they’re going to sneak behind your back and become unfaithful.
Still, a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) does make a person more likely to lie and cheat for no good reason and do it repeatedly.
Related Reading: How to Deal With a Narcissist in a Relationship?
10 signs a narcissist is cheating on you
Knowing narcissist cheating signs and how to recognize that your partner may be having an affair can save you a lot of potential pain and heartache.
These are the telltale narcissist cheating signs you should be aware of:1. Disappearing frequently and being vague about their whereabouts
The first in the list of narcissist cheating signs is that many cheating narcissists tend to drop off the face of the Earth regularly and not take their partner’s calls for hours or days on end.
Even if you live together, they may not find it difficult to find excuses to go away for several days. They could say they’re visiting a friend or a distant relative that lives in another city.
Obviously, they don’t need to disappear for long periods to have an affair. But if they’re unreachable for hours, they may be seeing someone else.2. Flirting on social media
Flirting with someone else on social media may be a sign a narcissist is cheating on you.
You know what they say, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.”
If you confront your partner about it, they may say that they’re only friends. However, if they’re publicly flirting on social media, it only means they don’t respect you or care about what you or others might think.3. Not putting their phone down or letting you anywhere near it
One of the narcissist cheating signs or for anyone, in general, is that when anyone is cheating, they usually communicate with their flings via text messages. That’s why their phone isn’t likely to leave their side. It’s also always password-protected.
If there’s a chance of their fling calling, they’re likely to keep their phone in silent mode and inside their pocket.4. Accusing you of having an affair
“The best defense is a good offense.”
If you accuse your narcissistic partner of having an affair, they’re probably going to deny it, even if it’s true.
But to turn the focus away from their infidelity, they might start accusing you of cheating. Projection is a narcissist’s defense mechanism and clearly one of the narcissist cheating signs that they use to play the victim and throw you off the scent.5. Sudden changes in behavior
Has your partner started paying much more attention to their hygiene and appearance? Have they started being sneaky and coming home late? Maybe they no longer answer their phone while you’re around?
If you notice any unusual behavior changes that indicate infidelity, and your gut is telling you that something fishy is going on, it may be one of those narcissist cheating signs, and you may be right.6. Sudden changes in libido
If your partner suddenly seems uninterested in you physically, they may be satisfying their needs elsewhere.
The same is true if they start displaying a higher libido than usual. It may mean that the person they’re cheating you with isn’t currently available, so they turn to you again.7. Canceling plans frequently
Whether you’re dating a cheating narcissist or you’re married to one, canceling plans at the last minute may be signs of a narcissist cheating as they’ve made other plans.
They may say it’s because of work or anything else important that came up. While that may be true at times, it screams infidelity if it happens all the time.8. Avoiding a conversation about their cagey behavior
Confronting a narcissist about lies, cheating, and their cagey behavior only makes them behave shadier. They rarely want to talk things out because they aren’t likely to admit they’re seeing someone else, which is one of the important signs of a cheating narcissist.
If you accuse your partner of cheating, you may give them an excellent excuse to disappear for a while to avoid having a serious conversation.9. Showering you with gifts out of the blue
If your partner isn’t used to buying you gifts, but they start doing it frequently, they may be trying to throw you off the scent of their unfaithful actions.
Making you feel special all of a sudden is one of the most common manipulation techniques of a narcissist. They make their partners think they’re thoughtful and caring and that they would never cheat on them.
The video below talks about different games narcissists play, like dehumanizing, blame-shifting, etc. Find out more:
If you’re dating a cheating narcissist, you probably don’t have an insight into their spending. But if you’re married to one and discover unidentifiable charges on their credit card, they may be buying gifts for someone else.
Talking about finances are essential in marriage but such signs of a cheating narcissist are true if they insist you switch to separate bank accounts after having a joint account for years.
Related Reading: Can a Narcissist Change for Love?
What happens when you confront a narcissist cheater?
If you notice any of the red flags above and they turn out to be true, it’s important to understand that cheating is not your fault. Most narcissists will cheat on anyone they’re with, especially when the relationship or marriage is already well-established.
It’s also crucial to understand that being cheated on by a narcissist doesn’t mean that you’re less intelligent than they are.
Quite the contrary.
Narcissists often think they’re cleverer than their partners and that they can get away with cheating. Underestimating their partners is how they make mistakes and get caught.
Now, confronting a narcissist cheater may not go the way you imagine.
When a narcissist is caught cheating and lying, they often make up a heap of more lies to convince you that they’ve been nothing but faithful. Even if you have evidence of cheating, they’re likely to deny everything and even project their infidelity onto you.
Getting angry and gaslighting you may also be their response.
But what happens when they can no longer deny the evidence? What if you catch them in the act?
Then they might blame you for their cheating.
They may think of a dozen reasons why it was allegedly your behavior that made them seek attention outside your relationship or marriage. Narcissists will say anything to turn the focus away from them and blame it on someone else.
Related Reading: What Revenge Tactics You Can Expect from a NarcissistTakeaway
If you can, try to talk with your partner
These narcissist cheating signs may not always indicate an affair. But if your partner displays those signs, you should have an honest talk with them to try and find out the reasons for their behavior. The way they respond when you confront them should tell you if they’ve been faithful or not.
If you want to work on your relationship, you should see a mental health professional or a relationship counselor to sort things out, especially if the relationship is not an abusive one.
But even if they haven’t been cheating, you may be better off without them. You deserve a loving, caring, and loyal partner who respects you and makes you happy.
Why Narcissists Have Affairs And Cheat On Their Spouses
Narcissists cheat on their spouses, commit adultery and have extramarital affairs and liaisons for a variety of reasons which reflect disparate psychodynamic processes.
The Psychodynamic Process Enables Cheating
- In the quest for narcissistic supply, the somatic narcissist resorts to serial sexual conquests.
- Narcissists are easily bored (they have a low boredom threshold) and they have a low tolerance for boredom. Sexual dalliances alleviate this nagging and frustrating ennui.
- Narcissists maintain an island and focus of stability in their life, but all the other dimensions of their existence are chaotic, unstable, and unpredictable. This “twister” formation serves many emotional needs which I expound upon elsewhere. Thus, a narcissist may be a model employee and pursue a career path over decades even as he cheats on his wife and fritters their savings away.
- Narcissists feel superior and important and so entitled to be above the law and to engage in behaviors that are frowned upon and considered socially unacceptable in others.They reject and vehemently resent all limitations and conditions placed upon them by their partners. They act on their impulses and desires unencumbered by social conventions and strictures.
- Marriage, monogamy, and child-bearing and rearing are common activities that characterize the average person.The narcissist feels robbed of his uniqueness by these pursuits and coerced into the relationship and into roles – such as a husband and a father – that reduce him to the lowest of common denominators.This narcissistic injury leads him to rebel and reassert his superiority and specialness by maintaining extramarital affairs.
- Narcissists are control freaks. Having a relationship implies a give-and-take and a train of compromises which the narcissist acutely interprets to mean a loss of control over his life. To reassert control, the narcissist initiates other relationships in which he dictates the terms of engagement (love affairs).
- Narcissists are terrified of intimacy. Their behavior is best characterized as an approach-avoidance repetition complex.Adultery is an excellent tool in the attempt to retard intimacy and resort to a less threatening mode of interaction.
Somatic & Cerebral Narcissists
Broadly speaking, there are two types of narcissists, loosely corresponding to the two categories mentioned in the question:
- Somatic Narcissist
- Cerebral Narcissist
Narcissists are misogynists. They hold women in contempt, they loathe and fear them. They seek to torment and frustrate them (either by debasing them sexually – or by withholding sex from them). They harbor ambiguous feelings towards the sexual act.
Sex And The Narcissist
The somatic narcissist uses sex to “conquer” and “secure” new sources of narcissistic supply. Consequently, the somatic rarely gets emotionally-involved with his “targets”.
His is a mechanical act, devoid of intimacy and commitment. The cerebral narcissist feels that sex is demeaning and degrading. Acting on one’s sex drive is a primitive, basic, and common impulse.
The cerebral narcissist convinces himself that he is above all that, endowed as he is with superior intelligence and superhuman self-control.
Still, sex for both types of narcissists is an instrument designed to increase the number of Sources of Narcissistic Supply.
If it happens to be the most efficient weapon in the narcissist’s arsenal, he makes profligate use of it.
In other words: if the narcissist cannot obtain adoration, admiration, approval, applause, or any other kind of attention by other means (e.g., intellectually) – he resorts to sex.
The Beginnings Of Cheating
He then becomes a satyr (or a nymphomaniac): indiscriminately engages in sex with multiple partners. His sex partners are considered by him to be objects – sources of Narcissistic Supply.
It is through the processes of successful seduction and sexual conquest that the narcissist derives his badly needed narcissistic “fix”.
The narcissist is likely to perfect his techniques of courting and regard his sexual exploits as a form of art.
He usually exposes this side of him – in great detail – to others, to an audience, expecting to win their approval and admiration.
The Act of Conquest Leads to Partner Hopping
Because the Narcissistic Supply in his case is in the very act of conquest and (what he perceives to be) subordination – the narcissist is forced to hop from one partner to another.
Some narcissists prefer “complicated” situations. If men – they prefer virgins, married women, frigid or lesbian women, etc.
The more “difficult” the target – the more rewarding the narcissistic outcome.
Such a narcissist may be married, but he does not regard his extra-marital affairs as either immoral or a breach of any explicit or implicit contract between him and his spouse.
He keeps explaining to anyone who cares to listen that his other sexual partners are nothing to him, meaningless, that he is merely taking advantage of them and that they do not constitute a threat and should not be taken seriously by his spouse.
In his mind a clear separation exists between the honest “woman of his life (really, a saint) and the whores that he is having sex with.
With the exception of the meaningful women in his life, he tends to view all females in a bad light.
His behavior, thus, achieves a dual purpose: securing Narcissistic Supply, on the one hand – and re-enacting old, unresolved conflicts and traumas (abandonment by Primary Objects and the Oedipal conflict, for instance).
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How Narcissists React To Abandonment
When inevitably abandoned by his spouse – the narcissist is veritably shocked and hurt. This is the sort of crisis, which might drive him to psychotherapy. Still, deep inside, he feels compelled to continue to pursue precisely the same path.
Depression and Anger
His abandonment is cathartic, purifying. Following a period of deep depression and suicidal ideation – the narcissist is likely to feel cleansed, invigorated, unshackled, ready for the next round of hunting.
RELATED ARTICLE: Alphabetical List Of Mental Disorders
But there is another type of narcissist.
He also has bouts of sexual hyperactivity in which he trades sexual partners and tends to regard them as objects. However, with him, this is a secondary behavior. It appears mainly after major narcissistic traumas and crises.
A painful divorce, a devastating personal financial upheaval – and this type of narcissist adopts the view that the “old” (intellectual) solutions do not work anymore.
He frantically gropes and searches for new ways to attract attention, to restore his False Ego (=his grandiosity) and to secure a subsistence level of Narcissistic Supply.
Sex is handy and is a great source of the right kind of supply: it is immediate, sexual partners are interchangeable, the solution is comprehensive (it encompasses all the aspects of the narcissist’s being), natural, highly charged, adventurous, and pleasurable.
Thus, following a life crisis, the cerebral narcissist is likely to be deeply involved in sexual activities – very frequently and almost to the exclusion of all other matters.
Recovery and Isolation from Other Women
However, as the memories of the crisis fade, as the narcissistic wounds heal, as the Narcissistic Cycle re-commences and the balance is restored – this second type of narcissist reveals his true colours.
He abruptly loses interest in sex and in all his sexual partners. The frequency of his sexual activities deteriorates from a few times a day – to a few times a year. He reverts to intellectual pursuits, sports, politics, voluntary activities – anything but sex.
This kind of narcissist is afraid of encounters with the opposite sex and is even more afraid of emotional involvement or commitment that he fancies himself prone to develop following a sexual encounter.
In general, such a narcissist withdraws not only sexually – but also emotionally. If married – he loses all overt interest in his spouse, sexual or otherwise.
He confines himself to his world and makes sure that he is sufficiently busy to preclude any interaction with his nearest (and supposedly dearest).
He becomes completely immersed in “big projects”, lifelong plans, a vision, or a cause – all very rewarding narcissistically and all very demanding and time consuming. In such circumstances, sex inevitably becomes an obligation, a necessity, or a maintenance chore reluctantly undertaken to preserve his sources of supply (his family or household).
The cerebral narcissist does not enjoy sex and by far prefers masturbation or “objective”, emotionless sex, like going to prostitutes.
Actually, he uses his mate or spouse as an “alibi”, a shield against the attentions of other women, an insurance policy which preserves his virile image while making it socially and morally commendable for him to avoid any intimate or sexual contact with others.
Ostentatiously ignoring women other than his wife (a form of aggression) he feels righteous in saying: “I am a faithful husband”.
At the same time, he feels hostility towards his spouse for ostensibly preventing him from freely expressing his sexuality, for isolating him from carnal pleasures.
The narcissist’s thwarted logic goes something like this: “I am married/attached to this woman. Therefore, I am not allowed to be in any form of contact with other women which might be interpreted as more than casual or businesslike.
This is why I refrain from having anything to do with women – because I am being faithful, as opposed to most other immoral men.
However, I do not like this situation. I envy my free peers. They can have as much sex and romance as they want to – while I am confined to this marriage, chained by my wife, my freedom curbed. I am angry at her and I will punish her by abstaining from having sex with her.”
Thus frustrated, the narcissist minimizes all manner of intercourse with his close circle (spouse, children, parents, siblings, very intimate friends): sexual, verbal, or emotional. He limits himself to the rawest exchanges of information and isolates himself socially.
His reclusion insures against a future hurt and avoids the intimacy that he so dreads. But, again, this way he also secures abandonment and the replay of old, unresolved, conflicts. Finally, he really is left alone by everyone, with no Secondary Sources of Supply.
The Cycle Begins Again
In his quest to find new sources, he again embarks on ego-mending bouts of sex, followed by the selection of a spouse or a mate (a Secondary Narcissistic Supply Source). Then the cycle re-commence: a sharp drop in sexual activity, emotional absence and cruel detachment leading to abandonment.
The second type of narcissist is mostly sexually loyal to his spouse. He alternates between what appears to be hyper-sexuality and asexuality (really, forcefully repressed sexuality).
In the second phase, he feels no sexual urges, bar the most basic. He is, therefore, not compelled to “cheat” upon his mate, betray her, or violate the marital vows.
He is much more interested in preventing a worrisome dwindling of the kind of Narcissistic Supply that really matters. Sex, he says to himself, contentedly, is for those who can do no better.
Somatic narcissists tend to verbal exhibitionism. They tend to brag in graphic details about their conquests and exploits.
In extreme cases, they might introduce “live witnesses” and revert to total, classical exhibitionism. This sits well with their tendency to “objectify” their sexual partners, to engage in emotionally-neutral sex (group sex, for instance) and to indulge in autoerotic sex.
The exhibitionist sees himself reflected in the eyes of the beholders. This constitutes the main sexual stimulus, this is what turns him on. This outside “look” is also what defines the narcissist.
There is bound to be a connection. One (the exhibitionist) may be the culmination, the “pure case” of the other (the narcissist).
Sin of self-love possesseth all mine eye
And all my soul and all my every part;
And for this sin there is no remedy,
It is so grounded inward in my heart.
Methinks no face so gracious is as mine,
No shape so true, no truth of such account;
And for myself mine own worth do define,
As I all other in all worths surmount.
But when my glass shows me myself indeed,
Beated and chopp’d with tann’d antiquity,
Mine own self-love quite contrary I read;
Self so self-loving were iniquity.
‘Tis thee, myself, that for myself I praise,
Painting my age with beauty of thy days.
(Sonnet 62, William Shakespeare)
methods to kill. II. Narcissists
We will continue to inflict psychological violence. Today, our victim will be a more dangerous beast - the daffodil. This type has already been trained in some skills of self-defense and manipulation, knows how to advance in society, especially in today's society. And his meat is richer, where without it.↓
If the narcissist can be described as briefly as possible, then this is a person whose internal self-esteem depends solely on external factors. He can successfully exist only in society, only surrounded by other people. Libido turns on itself the object of attraction and desire becomes its own ideal projection .
Mr. Brodsky somehow delicately remarked: “ By the way, we all masturbate ”, but the narcissist goes further: other people, in principle, are reduced to the role of objects for masturbation. And they have no more respect for others than for an elastic pink dildo. What kind of empathy can we talk about here?
To begin with, the narcissist lives with inflated self-esteem and fantasies about the significance and greatness of all his undertakings. Greatness must be verified by the recognition of others , their enthusiastic assessments. Moreover, he must receive his praise immediately: at the same moment, as soon as he is bitten by a worm of doubt in his own abilities. Narcissists have psychic inflation: an unrealistic sense of identity. Ambivalently replace each other complexes of God and total inferiority. It all depends on whether the narcissist is on a horse today or under a horse.
Since the narcissist subconsciously feels that a well-built projection, a false personality, and not himself, is receiving praise, then emotional burnout gradually sets in.
It is important to know the following term - "self-objects". This is the name of the people who feed the insecure self-esteem of narcissists. It is an external object with which one can identify oneself. You can divide self-objects into two broad categories. The first is flatterers, sycophants and naive people who make up the main environment of the narcissist. A narcissist always has a fan club. This is dogma. Selfish egoists do not intend to keep not only critics and opponents, which is understandable, but even indifferent people or people who find it difficult to defiantly express approval. If a particularly talented sucker suddenly appears, then the narcissist begins to compare his old acquaintances with him, gradually becoming disillusioned with them. Like, if their language is not so rough and affectionate, then they love it less.↓
The second kind of self-objects are ideals and spiritual teachers. Narcissists tend to not only consider themselves great people, but also take pride in meeting other historical figures. These can be both people who are deified during their lifetime, as well as philosophers, writers and other prominent figures of the past. Such a self-object has indisputable authority; it often becomes a victim of an idealizing transference against its will. In particular, narcissists like to deliberately admire more successful colleagues, exalt successful writers if they want to become writers themselves, and have an almost teenage love for interesting teachers. They are attracted by the veil of success and recognition that they would like to create for themselves. In fact, this is a remedy for envy: can't outdo the object, then start worshiping it to snatch its mana .
Maybe someone remembers Natella Speranskaya ? This is an obvious and clinical case of narcissism. Her obsession with Dugin, Nietzsche, the presence of crazy global creative projects, intolerance of criticism, constant rattling of regalia, cosmic conceit and an abundance of significant self-portraits in the photo gallery - everything is like in a textbook.
By the way, the possession of various diplomas, diplomas and awards is very important for them. If in a person’s profile you see an impressive dossier with a list of victories, nominations, publications up to an extract about a good appetite from kindergarten, then you can be sure that a daffodil has opened up in front of you. The main task of narcissists is to compose a message about their remarkable functional potency . They spend a lot of time compiling detailed reports on their activities, both professional and personal. Sometimes, it comes to exhibitionism. A person thinks that the community from social networks is obliged to like any manifestations of his life, large and small. And then a photo of a crooked view from the window will be identically equal to obtaining an MBA certificate.
In general, it must be said that daffodils are the most important opportunists in the universe. They actively broadcast what they think is popular and in demand among the target audience. They never do anything for themselves, they never write to the table. However, having fed five thousand people, the narcissist suddenly discovers that he himself was left terribly hungry.
Narcissists lack empathy. They do not feel the feelings of other people, it comes to materialism in interpersonal relationships. They also have a very vague idea of boundaries. Often they unceremoniously interfere in the affairs and conversations of other people. Moreover, they immediately take a dominant position, put things in order without accepting any objections. So an old mother can break into the apartment of a formally adult child and remake everything there, rearrange, rebuild to her taste. Narcissists easily read other people's diaries and letters.
The worst thing for a narcissist is to experience shame. This is not guilt - guilt is experienced internally and is more characteristic of our beloved masochists. But shame is when other people think you are "bad". It is better to die than to experience full-blown disgrace. You see, the narcissist values his identity so much that he reacts with unbearable pain to any attack on it. He would rather put on a mask for which he will be praised than risk showing his true and vulnerable self . Since the narcissist subconsciously feels that a well-built projection, a false personality, and not himself, is receiving praise, then emotional burnout gradually sets in. The narcissist becomes cold and indifferent, a sucking emptiness grows inside him.
One of my acquaintances showed her independence from others in every possible way. If she admitted that she depends on others, needs their love and approval, it would be humiliating. The people around her weren't people—they were stimuli. These must be surpassed, these must be impressed, recommendations must be obtained from these. From the outside, it looked like some kind of surreal marathon. But she didn't realize that she was sucking up. It seemed to her that she was behaving naturally, and for some reason people around were melting and thrilled. The consciousness of narcissists is actually unreflected. The higher the narcissist climbs, the more arrogantly he behaves. They do not remember the covenant Spider-Man that great power brings great responsibility. No, power brings to narcissists only the emancipation of passions and the worst manifestations of tyranny.
Narcissists find it difficult to establish long-term relationships. They care about quantity, not quality. One admirer easily replaces another, it is important to maintain (and slowly increase) the overall level of flattery and attention. They really do feel special. They often become intrusive and familiar because they feel that the accepted rules of decency do not apply to them. N.B. - Narcissists never break the rules when compared to asocials. They just think they're above those rules.
The sexuality of narcissists should be considered. Many of them fall in love or start having sex because they feel inferior in comparison to more successful peers who are already given. If they laugh at a narcissist that everyone has girls, but he doesn’t, tomorrow he will come with some kind of scum. Reacts to changes paradoxically. Curiosity begins to disassemble him: “Did you feel as good as with me?” And if the narcissist hears in response that it is the coolest thing with him, then he will easily forgive any adultery. A narcissist man will travel all over his partner's brains, figuring out whether she had an orgasm or not. If the relationship does not work out, the narcissist tries his best to devalue the object of his passion. Having received a nominee diploma for a graphomaniac rhyme, the narcissist will smile wryly and say: “Yes, she doesn’t deserve me.”↓
Social networks have done everything to contribute to the spread of narcissism among the population. If you think about it, this is a paradise for narcissists - thanks to likes and reposts, sympathy becomes something measurable and almost physically tangible, you can check in in beautiful and trendy places, at cool events, you can pour out your point of view on everything. Sooner or later, both online and in life, a narcissistic circle of interests is formed. It's a wild mixture of Masonic lodge and reality show "Behind the Glass" . On the one hand, the characters behave as if there, behind closed doors, almost the Eleusinian Mysteries are being accomplished. Narcissists with an important look stick out the elitism of their party. They scribble and masturbate to each other such comments and reviews that even freelance students for big money will be embarrassed to write. On the other hand, their activities are advertised through all available distribution channels. A group of narcissists entangled in a homogeneous hivemind behaves in exactly the same way as an individual member of this group. They, too, will look for subserviently assenting admirers and provoke (or rather, pretend to successfully provoke) those who do not fit into their mutual masturbation section.
However, narcissists can achieve quite significant success in society. In general, narcissists should be divided into two types. The first is a narcissist with no results. Everything is clear here, we see a petty and insignificant person with an inflated fantasy inner world, who believes that everyone around her owes her. It's funny and a little pitiful if we felt sorry. The second type is the achievement narcissist. It would seem that this person has real reasons to admire himself and demand the same from others. However the narcissist very quickly devalues all his achievements, the very next day they do not bring him any satisfaction . Because you can't build self-respect on achievements alone. And then he decides that, apparently, he just needs to achieve something even more grandiose, and he is going on a new campaign. And so on until it breaks.
We are used to the fact that children should be required to the maximum, that one cannot love them just like that. In addition, this model is simple and understandable, like any trade and market relations: you give me a diary with fives, I give you love and recognition
Prominent psychoanalytic minds distinguish two variants of the development of narcissism. For the purity of the experiment, we will consider both options. But I will still add a couple of subparagraphs from myself.
1) Narcissistic expansion - I myself subscribe to the theory that the main burden of the blame lies with the parents. Narcissists are very successful in raising new narcissists. For the narcissistic parent, the child is another self-object, a vehicle for self-esteem. A demanding father drives his son around the sports sections and waits for the results at the national team level. The child is forced to live in the paradigm of imposed perfectionism: to study for only A's, to die for a red diploma, to play the violin. Children are left with no freedom of choice, as soon as the child goes beyond the boundaries of narcissistic expectations, as loving and warm parents suddenly turn into cold, stone monsters. This shapeshifting, depending on how "good" the child is, cannot but frighten him. Because of parental rejection, a child is introduced to an all-consuming shame from an early age.
There is another thing: the narcissistic model when communicating with children is often chosen even by people with other accentuations. This is already a disease of society, environment. We are used to the fact that children should be demanded to the maximum, that it is impossible to love them just like that. In addition, this model is simple and understandable, like any trade and market relations: you give me a diary with fives, I give you love and recognition.
Thus, the true core of the child's personality becomes unclaimed. All you need is a perfect projection. As a result, the future narcissist forms a flawed image of the "I", is not capable of empathy and dialogue. The void is filled with hypertrophied conceit, delusions of grandeur and overcritical perception of other people. The narcissist believes that he can only be understood and accepted by superhumans, and that he will not want to communicate with ordinary proles like you and me. He builds communication so that simultaneously receive praise and break those around him with coldness and excessive demands, just as once broke him.
2) Narcissistic injury - if in the first case we have a pure and homogeneous narcissistic character, then here we are talking about an event that pushes a person onto the path of narcissism, even if he is initially dominated by a different type of personality. As a rule, the narcissistic trauma is a sharp decrease in status, a hierarchical collapse, public humiliation, an attempt to take on impossible obligations. In almost every anamnesis there is unhappy love, rejection and rejection as the most powerful fixer of trauma.↓
Moving away from shock, a person begins to gain self-esteem back. Only now, increased anxiety, distrust and fear of addiction are added to all his relationships. He gradually grows into a manipulative narcissist, obsessed with improving his false self.
3) Narcissistic contagion - none of the psychoanalysts developed this concept, so I offer a little gag. My personal practice shows that very many people who find themselves in a narcissistic party begin to gradually adopt their behavioral patterns and motivations. A person first becomes a fan of a narcissist, and then tries to catch up with him. Damn Facebook, in my opinion, is literally built on the stimulation of narcissism, engaging in an endless race of achievements.
Narcissists, especially successful representatives, know how to poison other people with dependence on the fictional world of Bohemia. People are filled with poison when they try to fit into the immoral and meaningless world of narcissists, thinking that there is some profit waiting for them, some special treatment. There is a narcissistic streak in every person - each of us is vulnerable and can fall, blinded by egocentrism and a thirst for honors .
I have arranged the root causes in order of increasing success of the therapeutic intervention. That is, the narcissistic expansion is practically not treated and is not corrected, the narcissistic injury with sin in half can be cured, and the easiest way is to save the infected. It's like with drug addicts - to isolate from drug addict friends and dealers, survive withdrawal and prevent relapse.
Narcissus is easy to follow on social media. Usually, this is a superficial and pretentious type with a bunch of friends who rush to like his slightest sneeze.
And now the traditional reminder "how to recognize a narcissist" of thirteen points.
1) The narcissist does not respond adequately to criticism. Suddenly, arrogance and the veil of superiority fall from him, and he begins to swear in public. He cannot answer a negative comment himself - this must be done by one of his company. Only then will the narcissist be able to stabilize his shaken self-esteem. Therefore a pack of sing-alongs immediately swoops down on the stranger, and they drive him out of his comfort zone in a crowd . After that, the news of the glorious victory will be inscribed in all public chronicles.
2) The narcissist is just asking for compliments. He demandingly waits for bragging rights, this is something like a rent for staying in his company. If you don't pay, it will quickly cool off.
3) The narcissist has a utilitarian attitude towards the people around him. He does not see them as independent subjects, therefore he often breaks into their lives, grossly violates their personal space. It is impossible to get emotional support from him . Most likely, he will be afraid of manipulation, break loose and declare that he himself needs it.
4) Envy wears out the narcissist. He tries to control the entire circle of his acquaintances. He keeps a close watch so that no one jumps off and gets carried away by someone besides him. In a love relationship, he is harassed by surveillance, control, and will constantly demand confirmation that he is the best and most beloved.↓
5) He is terribly afraid to show his true self. He is also afraid of any actions that can knock out a stool of cheap popularity from under him. He has a certain audience for which he works, and he will never go against it. At the same time, the higher the narcissist climbs, the worse and more unbearable he behaves. He believes that others tolerate him only for status, and therefore wants to check if they will love him if he starts acting like an asshole on a daily basis.
6) Narcissus boasts of diplomas and medals. He always gives a complete list of his awards. His thinking is also deformed: he evaluates people in the same way, whoever has more awards and other status achievements is cooler. They compare themselves to others all the time. It is not enough for them to succeed - this must happen against the backdrop of less successful comrades .
7) Narcissists are easy to follow on social media. Usually, this is a superficial and pretentious type with a bunch of friends who rush to like his slightest sneeze. With the formed troupe, he tours all the resources where at least minimal support from the audience is required for promotion. The psychology of masturbation works here too: narcissists like themselves and repost any mention of themselves on the wall. And yes, they have a selfie stick. Here I need to write some vulgarity, but somehow I'm already tired.
8) For some inexplicable reason, narcissists believe they deserve special treatment: a personal touch, a separate line for sausages, a cherry on a cherry on a cake. They are never satisfied with the quality of service. If suddenly an official or a waiter treats them in the same way as hundreds of other visitors, narcissists feel wild resentment, which they do not hesitate to throw out in complaints books. Everyone should drop everything and take care of him alone.
9) They have one or two inviolable idols. If you try to say something against him, you will stumble upon the same inadequate reaction as if you were to criticize the narcissist himself. At the same time, the attitude towards idols is absolutely not critical, they rush about with the books of those who are considered great, and sell them from right to left.
10) They reduce any conversations to themselves and their topics. If someone shows pictures of their cat, then the narcissist will interrupt the discussion and will definitely jump in with his cat. If we are talking about creativity, then it will bury itself in the plots and texts of the narcissist. He simply does not know how to keep up a conversation about abstract things that have nothing to do with him personally.
11) Projects are rarely completed. They collapse under the weight of the obligations they have proudly placed on themselves. Yes, many narcissists are workaholics, but often this work is wasted. They do not know how to plan, they do not think beyond two moves, they are generally not able to adhere to any strategy, preferring to respond to momentary challenges. They spend all their energy on the current small things.
12) Narcissists never. Again. Never apologize almost never use the standard polite expressions “psib-please” because, due to the presence of such protection as omnipotent control, as well as a lack of empathy, they take everything for granted. They handed the plate to the narcissist - what, are there other options? In communication, they owe nothing to anyone.
13) Narcissus produces a heap of simulacra. To be in trend, he has to write reviews of popular films and books, uncomment colleagues in the narcissistic workshop in order to hope for reciprocal services. It quickly closes in a limited cultural space. Everything he does bears the stamp of secondary, chewed. But it’s hard to put your own “I” into work when this “I” does not exist at all.
The narcissist sees himself as the root cause of everything. He attributes all accidents, all the free actions of other people to his own account.
1) Idealization / devaluation - as we have already noticed, there are no halftones in the perception of narcissists. Narcissus in his own eyes is either a god or a nonentity. Surrounding - either idols of gold, or mounds of shit. And the stronger the idealization, the harder the exposure will follow. This leads to the need to constantly change the object of admiration, prevents the establishment of long-term relationships.
2) Omnipotent control - the narcissist sees himself as the ultimate cause of everything. He attributes all accidents, all the free actions of other people to his own account. In addition, narcissists see the world through the prism of romanticism: they have an idea of how any event should proceed, and what roles others should play. Puppet theater with princesses and unicorns.↓
3) Projection — one's own negative intentions are attributed to others. If a narcissist hates himself, then it seems to him that others hate him and despise him. The use of projection worsens an already inadequate sense of interpersonal boundaries. For the same reason, there are a lot of homosexuals among narcissists. Narcissists are afraid of the opposite sex, maybe even jealous in some way. Fear of castration, envy of the phallus—well, you know all those Freudian mantras. The choice of a person of the same sex as a sexual object indicates the desire to have an ideal twin, who should not be afraid of .
4) Regression - a rollback into infantilism in frustration from a collision with the real world. The narcissist begins to avoid difficulties, hide from competitors, and generally needs the most primitive manifestations of love and affection. Needs are reduced to the most basic: to eat and sleep, in a dry, safe place. The narcissist can be capricious up to real psychosomatic illnesses.
Kill the narcissist in you. No one should catch you on the desire to be inimitable and unique.
How to defend yourself
First of all, you must be aware that you are not at war with a person, but with a false image. It is impossible to defeat a fictional projection, don't even try. You need to keep yourself from becoming jealous of the narcissist, although he will do everything to realize this scenario. Demythologize, debunk, expose . If you believe even for a second in the fairy tale that the narcissist draws for naive viewers, you will put yourself at risk.
Kill the narcissist in you. No one should catch you on the desire to be inimitable and unique. It seems that it is worth getting close to a narcissist, and the whole world will see something in you that they have not noticed before. Yes, I want to partake of the narcissistic halo, to sip glory. But this is just an appearance. These are tantalum flours.↓
Narcissus is manipulative, although without a glimpse of brilliant innovation in this area. Most often, he provokes you to anger or other strong negative emotions with his arrogant and arrogant behavior. If you have a passionate desire to teach the bastard a lesson, then you are caught. You picked up the projection that the narcissist pushed out of himself and became exactly what he expected to see. Restrain yourself from the desire to immediately get involved in a skirmish for any joke. Even if twenty guard poodles of Narcissus later neighed over this joke. Another trick is to make you feel ashamed and inferior. Anyone who gets caught up in a Facebook image competition with a narcissist will spend a lot of time and effort creating an attractive façade that has nothing fundamental behind it.
Never get involved in a narcissist's projects, avoid work that will benefit him. He has a lot of grandiose plans, but what prevents you from concentrating on your business? Maybe they are not so exciting, but they are your . Try to clearly distinguish between interests, do not become an accomplice in dubious undertakings and startups.
Defend your own borders fiercely to the point of scandal. It is necessary to protect your possessions from the invasion of a narcissist. Let him feel rejected every time, shame him, let the pain be incomparable with the feeling of power from penetrating into your personal space. It may take several iterations, but, sooner or later, you will be able to defend the autonomy, and the narcissist will go in search of easier victims. Don't bend over on this issue. Don't like the idea of counter-aggression? Do you want to save face and good relations with a narcissist and his gang? Then read some other method, somewhere for sure there is a "Method to please" in the spirit of old Carnegie .
Do not try to moralize, appeal to conscience - the narcissist does not suffer from this. This is a whole, but at the same time undeveloped personality, and it is best to subdue it through pain. And the absence of pain is like an encouragement. The tactic of open protest is one of the best self-defense options for a narcissist.
Narcissus is an attacking type, he himself is used to manipulating. Therefore, countermanipulative schemes work much better with him.
How to manipulate
Manipulating a narcissist is quite difficult, because he runs into his selfish needs and refuses to move away from them. If you want something to be done, let it be done in public. Let the narcissist, if he helps you, get some symbolic points. Never try to manipulate a narcissist on the basis of an interpersonal carrot and stick - external evaluation will always be the dominant factor.
If you rise in society, sooner or later you will have to go through a layer of narcissistic personalities. Let's say our media sphere is made up almost entirely of narcissists, although many of them are infected and not original. Take advantage of the fact that the narcissist perceives other people as self-objects. If he likes you in some way, he will drag you into his circle and advertise. As a thing, as a personal find - but is it really that important? You can easily enlist basic support from his like-minded people. And there it is not difficult to throw off the narcissist himself, because, as a rule, he is not very productive and is too busy with flattery and intrigues. Strength is valued in this circle, if you demonstrate great toughness, then the narcissist's mongrels will easily betray him and come over to your side. This is generally a common practice in narcissistic communities, so there is an off-scale degree of distrust. All of them are boiled in one cauldron, in which caramel and pus are equally divided.↓
A narcissist can be made addicted in two ways. Or through envy, here you need to have an image and support stronger than his. Or through his need to control and manage: be the elusive and beautiful butterfly that an avid collector tries in vain to catch.
Narcissus is an attacking type, he himself is used to manipulating. Therefore, countermanipulative schemes work much better with him. The clearer your consciousness, the clearer you see the background of what is happening, the stronger you hold on to your own interests, the easier it will be for you to cope with a narcissist.
Wear down the enemy, the daffodil is not imprisoned for trench warfare. He needs quick one-time wins. One of the problems of the narcissist is the wrong distribution of forces and resources.
How to kill
Curiously, a narcissist is much easier to kill than to manipulate. There are so many ways to cut it with a razor. Laughter, as I have repeatedly said, is a terrible weapon, but against a narcissistic personality it is impressively effective. Ridicule is the best strategy for dealing with a narcissist , the more people join the laughter, the better. Chase and harass him with banter. But, I ask you, let it really be funny, sharp and smart. Otherwise, you will drown in the mudflow of vulgar libels, which is massively practiced on graphomaniac resources.
Is the narcissist breaking boundaries? Answer him the same. Ignore the false personality, try to get to the real "I" with a red-hot iron, expose the existential emptiness of the narcissist. Take advantage of the fact that the narcissist does not have his own development strategy, he is always busy responding to everyday events and requests. You will beat him in the long run, you just have to wait for the depressive phase when the narcissist eats away at himself with doubts. And sooner or later she will come, you just need to catch this moment and put pressure on it. The narcissist is helpless against the strategy of sustainable development that a person with adequate self-esteem uses.
Pull the narcissist into communities where he has no support, pull him into new situations. Narcissists are somewhat similar to chameleons, they are super-adaptive to the external environment. Let the external environment be something unpredictable and chaotic. It's like putting a chameleon on sheets of multi-colored paper and once a minute pulling out the sheet, forcing it to change color again. He will quickly go crazy.↓
Narcissus, burdened with real power, is best not to mess with as long as you are in his jurisdiction. However, if he cannot exert any administrative pressure on you, then he can be dealt with just as easily as other narcissists. Even a narcissist who has achieved everything in the world will still be dependent on external evaluations and dissatisfied with his position. If there is no escape from the narcissistic boss, then it is easier and more profitable to become his favorite. If you can’t become a favorite, then try to get yourself maximum autonomy and enlist the sympathy of your colleagues. In this case, the narcissist will be afraid to touch you so that other workers do not perceive him as a petty vindictive dirty trick. He doesn't understand that in fact, no one cares about , he always feels like in public, and this should be used.
Finally, repeat the narcissistic trauma, if any. Reject it, drop it, humiliate it. In the community of narcissists, the one who manages to throw a partner first wins.
Wear down the enemy, the daffodil is not imprisoned for trench warfare. He needs quick one-time wins. One of the problems of the narcissist is the wrong distribution of forces and resources. Because of this, he is quickly out of breath. Try to cut him off from the support group. If the narcissist is left alone with you, then it is enough to portray not even contempt, but indifference, and he will quickly come to naught. Just don't fall into the traps of the illusory world of success.
In conclusion, I will say that narcissists are only as strong as you have not overcome narcissism in yourself . He can be both a very dangerous opponent and a paper tiger, and it depends not on him, but on you. Other psychotypes are a threat in themselves, but the narcissist is terrible only because he draws you into a fruitless competitive activity and into an airless space of mutual pleasing. Before you go on the warpath, defeat the narcissist within yourself, and then not a single narcissist can harm you from the outside.
Cheating and narcissism (He is a businessman, his wife and several mistresses)
Many people know that successful businessmen have the following picture in their personal lives: one wife with children, and one or two or three mistresses who also have children From him. He provides for everyone, provides, sometimes all women know about each other and even communicate.
Some even argue: "Well, he's an alpha male and he can afford it, as nature intended."
Yes, if you look at it from the point of view of evolution, nature and alpha males, then everything is fine there, and for many there is another important argument: “If they live like this, then they like it, and look on Instagram they post happy photos to the envy of everyone ".
But let me tell you another picture of this "good" from the point of view of the leading accentuation in these men, and the main one is usually narcissistic.
(Character accentuation is an extreme version of the norm, in which individual traits of character are hypertrophied and manifest themselves in the form of "weak points" in the individual's psyche - its selective vulnerability to certain influences with good and even increased resistance to other influences).
How to distinguish a narcissist, what is most typical for him:
- The personality of the narcissist is organized around maintaining self-respect by receiving confirmation from the outside and this overshadows everything else so much that one can consider such a person to be absorbed only in himself.
- Something is missing in the inner life of such clients - a deep feeling of lack ;
- Concerned about how they are perceived by other people. Have a deep feeling that they are deceived and unloved ;
- There is no sense of integrity and continuity of one's own "I", i.e. a disorder of one's own I am from grandiosity to inferiority .
- Every conceited and grandiose narcissist hides a self-conscious, shy child and every depressed and self-critical narcissist hides a grandiose vision of who that person should or could be;
- tendency to exhibition style behavior, overestimation of one's own merits, fantasies of omnipotence;
- alienation and emotional unavailability and feeling subjective empty ;
- an inner feeling of fear that they "do not fit" ;
- feeling shame a and weakness and low position;
- need external confirmation in order to feel internal conformity;
- a tendency to condemn others (expressing regret, contempt or criticizing them), which is most often based on envy , depending on their opinions.
- inner feeling of "emptiness" , because in childhood there was no reliance on themselves, on their feelings, and other significant people “knew” what they needed, internal supports of the significance and value of themselves were not formed inside, their values were always outside, not inside them.
How was the childhood , in which this alpha male - daffodil was formed.
His parents were preoccupied with work, prestige, fashion, success, achievements, results. How does the baby feel, what is happening to him, what is his mood - for this they were not there and they practically did not care.
For the formation of a healthy psyche, it is very important for a child to have emotional contact with adults, especially with mom and dad, their love, attention, support, their reflection, i.e. the parent is a mirror for the child in which he can be reflected and through this become aware of himself, understand himself, what is happening to him, what he is, what he does and feels. But if mom and dad are always busy with themselves, their achievements, prestige, then the child intuitively feels where the attention of adults is directed and tries to get their attention at any cost.
Often such parents' children become their narcissistic extension . Those. they know where, how and what is “best” for their child. The feelings and desires of the child are devalued, and the desires of the parents are put at the forefront. For example, it is “prestigious” to play tennis in an environment, and parents begin to take the child to tennis, although he is absolutely not interested in him, he would be better off playing football, but no one asks the child’s opinion, no one is interested in what he wants.
His parents constantly produced “ranking” process , they and their child should have the best, while the real advantages and disadvantages could be completely ignored due to prestige preoccupation.
It is very important and sad that the child grows up as an object and not as a subject i. e. for his parents, his results, success, excellent grades are important, but the price of this, his feelings, state, desires is not important. For example, he goes to sports not because he likes it and wants it, but in order to get first place in the competition, and so that his father would say when he came home: “Well done!”. And when the guests arrived, the father could come up to the shelf with cups and proudly say: “My son won!”.
There was practically no love for the child, but he simply is, such as he is, they paid attention only to successes, and sometimes severely punished for failures, or they could be silent for weeks and be ashamed of such a “loser” son.
Next to such parents it was impossible to say what you wanted, to declare your desires, needs and leave them, because. if you find hostile and selfish feelings, then this will immediately be followed by either punishment or rejection. It is not possible to be real, oneself, natural. You can only present to others a “person” (according to Jung), what is acceptable and approved by society, and everything that is not convenient goes into the “shadow”.