How to help alcoholic parent

How to help a loved one who abuses alcohol?

Close people see best what alcohol does to a person. Of course, they want to help a loved one. And they themselves are tired of quarrels and worries about the future. It happens that there is also fear for the life of a loved one. The friends and family of addicts really want things to change for the better.

However, depending on the methods chosen, in reality it is either about helping or, rather, about contributing to the problem.

Helping or assisting

Contributing to a problem means that you do things that at first glance may look like a desire to help, but in fact, by your behavior, you contribute to the persistence of addiction in a loved one. In reality, this means that you are more likely to succumb to the moods, threats and manipulations of others, and the thought of having to set boundaries and stand your ground scares you. You are afraid that if you do not fulfill the requirements of a dependent person, in retaliation, he will behave even more unpredictably. You are afraid that he might leave you or end up on the streets. And you are straining to the last, so that this does not happen.

Unfortunately, such efforts are of little or no use.

In order to change their own behavior, an addicted person must understand that he really has something to lose. If he does not face the consequences of his actions, he will not find motivation to change his own behavior.

Rescue that doesn't work

Overprotection

If you try to save people in any situation, you deprive them of the opportunity to learn how to cope. Because faith in oneself as a strong person develops in people when they accept the challenges of fate and deal with difficult problems. We must encourage the people we care about to believe in themselves so that they learn to cope with difficult life situations. If you constantly surround an addict with overprotectiveness, he will begin to think that he is not able to take care of himself, and as a result he will feel inadequate. But this is not true.

Taking responsibility for the actions of the dependent person

Taking responsibility for the actions of the dependent person means that, unbeknownst to yourself, you encourage him to continue to behave in the same way. For example, a loved one has a habit of drinking a lot in the evenings, and sometimes in the mornings he cannot go to work because of a hangover. When you apologize to his boss, saving him in this way, you are actually creating a situation in which he himself is not responsible for his actions.

Secretiveness and lies

The life of most people who live near addicts is full of secrets. Since they are afraid of the judgment of others, they do everything in their power to ensure that no one finds out about their circumstances. As a result, it is very difficult to understand that in reality there are a huge number of people suffering from the same problems with whom one can communicate and support each other.

By doing this, you allow your partner to continue to live with the delusion that everything is fine and that he does not need to think about his behavior and be responsible for it.

The desire to please others and avoid conflicts

The role of a “good person”, the desire to please and please others in any situation, the desire to never hurt other people's feelings ultimately create a sense of victim. In this way, you let your partner know that you can be mistreated and manipulated. Trying to avoid dissatisfaction, criticism or disappointment at all costs can lead to the fact that your loved one will wipe their feet on you.

Blaming a loved one

Blaming a partner is a very slippery slope. Accusations often make a person stubborn and even more irreconcilable. The situation does not change, and anger and hostility only intensifies.

It is very easy to think that you could be happy if the other person would stop their abusive behavior. Unfortunately, this kind of thinking puts you in the position of a victim. There are always two sides to a relationship, and if the other side is behaving badly towards you, you may have allowed it to happen. Any change starts with yourself.

Self-blame

You cannot be held responsible in any way for the behavior and actions of another person. Dependent people are often very inclined to blame others for their problems. They may blame a life partner, children, bosses, the weather, bad luck, even an untied shoelace to remove responsibility from themselves. It is necessary to foresee such a development of events and not take responsibility for the actions of another person.

Belief that you can control the other person's behavior

If you think that by working hard you can change another person, you are wrong. In fact, we cannot force anyone to do anything against their will. The free will of each individual determines his behavior. The only thing we can change is ourselves and our own behavior. If your own behavior creates inconvenience for the behavior of a dependent loved one, prerequisites arise for him to have such a desire and need to change something. And yet each person makes his own choice.

What can help?

Be aware of reality

Become aware of reality is not always an easy process. Sometimes the hardest part is admitting to yourself how terrible the situation really is. It may happen that those around you have long understood what all your sufferings are, although you yourself would have continued to hide your head in the sand from shame and guilt.

Trying to pretend that you do not notice the truth does not help the situation. Giving up false hopes that things will get better by themselves is an important step to take to improve your own life and the lives of those around you.

Make him feel the consequences of his actions

Do not hide anything or lie on his behalf. Don't make excuses for his behavior. Let him take responsibility for his own actions.

Set boundaries

Deciding that you will no longer try to please others at any cost can lead to frustration, frustration and anger. You need to learn to experience discomfort and fear, while remaining true to yourself. By confidently expressing your own feelings and thoughts and setting boundaries, you will no longer sustain addiction.

If a loved one is also angry and starts issuing ultimatums, you should not submit to his manipulations. The more you allow yourself to be manipulated, the more manipulative your loved one becomes. If you stick to certain boundaries, his behavior will also change over time.

Work together with others

Talk to people who also play an important role in the life of an addict - family, friends, colleagues, etc. Together, agree on boundaries, as well as how to communicate with an addicted person. You can discuss the problem with the dependent person. Be sure to avoid accusations. Talk to him about situations where his drinking has affected you and caused problems.

Be guided by actions, not words

Promises are easy, but keeping promises is much more difficult. You should not so easily believe the "promises" of an addict. Draw conclusions based on his actions.

Take care of yourself

Healthy self-care does not mean selfishness, narcissism or unwillingness to consider the opinions of others. Self-care is a sign of respect and love for yourself and others. In addition, you will not be able to help others if you yourself are in a situation in which you need help. Even on an airplane, people put on oxygen masks first of all on themselves.

Read also how to help yourself if your loved one drinks.

Ask for help

Specialists are always ready and able to give advice to the patient's relatives. They can also provide advice if your loved one has a drinking problem but doesn't want to seek help. Read more about where you can get help.
Also read about support groups for loved ones of people with alcohol problems.

How to talk to a loved one?

It is wise to have such conversations when your loved one is sober.

First of all, you need to show that you care about him. To do this, say the following: "You are very dear to me, and I care about you", "I want you to listen to me, I'm worried about you."

When talking about abuse, try to remove, so to speak, all the obstacles that prevent a person from being honest. For example: "I want to understand and listen to you, I'm interested in your reasons." You can encourage a person to tell you the truth by saying, "Whatever the reason, no matter how much you've drunk or what you've done, I won't blame or judge you." This promise must be kept. Also, you can talk about how you feel when you are being lied to.

Try to speak in a calm, even voice. Do not moralize and do not blame ("because you promised not to do this again!"). The pressure creates resistance, and self-protection can lead to avoiding such talk and hiding the abuse.

It is reasonable to explain why your partner's drinking is a problem for you. Without indulging in accusations, try to describe the situations that arise and express the feelings that they aroused in you.

Remind him of the old days and what your life was like before your drinking problems started. If you miss the time you spent together, tell him about it. If your loved one has tried to cut down on alcohol in the past, remind them that they succeeded and that it was a better time for both of you than it is now.

If a loved one doesn't want to talk, give them time to get over the awkwardness. Perseverance only increases resistance: the person withdraws into himself, tries to avoid talking, finds excuses for himself, denies the problem, attacks back, etc. These are natural human defense mechanisms. Don’t be too disappointed if the conversation doesn’t work out the first time – it can take time.

It is important that you express your feelings and thoughts clearly. Do not make excuses or apologize for his drunken actions or inappropriate behavior in front of others, do nothing for him, do not take on his obligations and responsibilities. Former addicts say that "the best way to help an alcoholic is not to help."

If you feel like you are running out of energy, find someone who can take a look at the situation and talk to you about your problem. Talking will help you better understand your feelings and put your thoughts in order. This in turn will help you start the conversation the next time.

Coping with trauma for adult children of alcoholics

SPEAK
TRUST
FEEL

stories of adult children of alcoholics

In the new Snoba project « Non-baby talk » we talk about how childhood hurts and traumas affect our adult life. The heroes of this material tell how alcoholic parents caused their nightmares, suicidal thoughts and constant moving. Psychologists of Moscow family centers analyze these stories and give recommendations on how to cope with such a trauma, Sergey Borzov, Maria Fershtei and Oksana Abrosimova

Sergey's story

Alisa's story

Maria's story

Sergey's storyAlice's storyMaria's story

I didn't understand why my mother
was lying on the floor and mooing

Sergey, 33 years old

It was the 90s. My mother, a drunken alcoholic, worked as a physical education teacher at a school, my father was a military man diagnosed with schizophrenia. I still do not understand how they managed to keep the job, given these facts. It must have been that time.

My most painful childhood memories are before the age of seven. My father often went on business trips, and my mother began to drink. She brought men, had sex with them. I was abandoned at this time. Sometimes she forgot to pick me up from kindergarten. The teacher brought me home, and I did not understand why my mother was lying on the floor and mooing. During these periods, she did not cook food, and I went hungry.

Back then we lived in a small military town in northern Russia, where everyone knew each other. I was forbidden to discuss family problems with anyone, but no one asked. When we moved to a big city, the habit of stealth remained. It was like living under the motto "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel."

I was ten when, during one of my mother's drinking binges, I broke down and called the child helpline. I said: my mother has been drinking for several days, I'm scared. The dispatcher replied: “What can we do for you?” Then I realized that it was pointless to ask for help.

Throughout my childhood I was accompanied by a sense of shame. I went to the same school where my mother worked. I constantly had to lie during her binges that she was sick. Although I think everyone knew the truth, because she disappeared from work for a week or two just after September 1, Teacher's Day or March 8th. Sometimes she started drinking at work. Sometimes I had to drag her home from school. Mom was not fired because they considered a cool professional.

Father was very cold towards me and mother. He preferred to ignore the problem. The marriage of the parents actually ceased to exist: they continued to live together, but slept in different rooms and almost did not communicate.

As a teenager, I had suicidal thoughts. It got even more difficult when I moved out from my parents after university. The outer part of life improved: I lived in the city center, I had close relationships and a good job. This external well-being did not correspond to my internal state. It felt like my life was not real.

While I was in a traumatic environment and lived with my mother, my psyche was protected from painful memories. But when I was safe, I began to recall episodes from my childhood that I did not remember before. I had nightmares. It was difficult to communicate with people. I did not notice the feeling of hunger. The depression became almost unbearable, the relationship with the girl collapsed, I was fired from my job. Then I turned to psychotherapists and the Adult Children of Alcoholics community. This made me feel better.

Now my mother and I communicate, but this is an unstable relationship. She has not been drinking for a couple of years - since she retired, but it does not help me, I already have that mother in my head from the past. It's hard for me to get along with people. Now I have a temporary job, but no wife and children. My parents are still together, but they either don't talk to each other or they fight, so I don't have a model of a normal family.

I understand that my injury needs to be worked on for quite some time. There are so many factors that throw me off balance. For example, before the holidays, I feel anxiety, because they are associated with my mother's binges. This is fine.

So far, the best thing I can afford is to visit friends who have good relations with their wives and children. I look at them and strengthen myself in the thought that everything can be different for me.

Sergei was an unloved child, and such children, as a rule, grow up to be disappointed adults. He should not be alone with his personal problems. Thoughts of suicide and symptoms of anorexia suggest that Sergei needs to see a psychiatrist. He may not be able to fully solve these problems in five years, as he expects, but in any case, he will have an interesting path of self-knowledge.

One of the first steps on this path is to forgive your parents. Here we are talking about the simplest idea, which is banal, but which really works: we cannot change circumstances and the past, but we can change our attitude towards them.

Maria Fershtei

Psychologist of the Vozrozhdeniye Social Rehabilitation Center

Maria Fershtei

Psychologist of the Vozrozhdeniye Social Rehabilitation Center

. He should not be alone with his personal problems. Thoughts of suicide and symptoms of anorexia suggest that Sergei needs to see a psychiatrist. He may not be able to fully solve these problems in five years, as he expects, but in any case, he will have an interesting path of self-knowledge.

One of the first steps on this path is to forgive your parents. Here we are talking about the simplest idea, which is banal, but which really works: we cannot change circumstances and the past, but we can change our attitude towards them.

My father didn't beat us,
but constantly harassed us

Alice, 38 years old

My father drank as long as I can remember. When I was five, other children came to my birthday, we played and had fun, and then he came, drunk, and dispersed everyone. I remember well this feeling of something alien, intruding into life. And, on the one hand, this is your father, you must love him, and on the other hand, this is a person whom you do not know at all and whose behavior cannot be predicted.

Father worked as a driver. After a working day, he took out a bottle of vodka and drank it alone. When drunk, he behaved aggressively: he walked around the apartment like a connecting rod bear, breaking into rooms to look around them and assess how clean it was. I still remember the sound of his teeth gnashing and the sound with which he abruptly opened the door. As a rule, at such moments, I, my older sister and mother were in the room. My father didn't beat us, but he constantly harassed us. Once he hit my mother on the lip. The next day everyone pretended that nothing had happened. I would like my mother to divorce then, but it was 90-e, she did not want to risk not knowing what would happen to us.

When I was already studying at the university, I also started drinking. Then everything fell in one moment: work, diploma, unsuccessful relationships. I came home in a deranged state, my mother silently put me to bed. Then I began to drink less often, but still it was the only way to relieve stress. In the last few years I don’t drink at all: at some point it became scary that I would turn into a father.

Since childhood I have been called my father's daughter. I was a blond angel with curls, and it seems to me that my father loved me very much. But he could only tell me this when he was drunk.

This greatly influenced the model of relationships that I built as an adult. At one time I was sure that I was only worthy of love in some abnormal, wrong relationship. I reacted to people who manipulated me or, on the contrary, did not accept me. At some point, I stopped communicating with people if this could lead to long-term relationships. Now, when I want sex, I get it, but I'm afraid to go further and face the fact that they will not accept me. My father showed me that one day a man can talk about love, and the next - send away.

At the same time, I understand that men give me a sense of care that was lacking in childhood. Unfortunately, this carries over to working relationships, which is not always effective. For example, I am very afraid of disapproval. My manager said that he doesn’t even voice some comments to me, because I have unstable self-esteem. I always feel like I'm not doing enough. I think this is also due to the fact that I never heard an important phrase from my father: I am proud of you.

We never had much contact with him. At the age of 30, I began to warmly relate to him, because he had aged. I wanted to talk to him about his alcoholism, but I knew that it would be painful and devastating for me. When he was dying of cancer, I never made up my mind.

After his death, I was angry. My father could have given me so much more if he had not closed himself off from reality. I don't know if I could forgive him. On the one hand, he is not guilty of anything, on the other hand, anger at him remains. Every time I talk about childhood, I want to cry. I try not to get into this closet for now, I postpone the conversation about my father, even with a psychotherapist. I just got used to living with it, as well as with a feeling of distrust for most people.

Parents should be an example of healthy and close relationships, provide a sense of security, show experience in solving internal problems. In Alice's story, we see patterns of withdrawal from emotions and distorted satisfaction of personal needs. In particular, the father could show sincere feelings for his daughter only when he was drinking. His unstable behavior and psychological abuse did not allow him to adequately satisfy the children's need for love. As a consequence, Alice has low self-esteem. She believes that she is unworthy of love, and seeks to overcome the feeling of uselessness. In order to solve this problem, it is important not to run away from painful conflicting feelings, but to accept them and live.

Oksana Abrosimova

psychologist of the family center "Istoki":

Oksana Abrosimova

psychologist of the family center "Istoki":

problems. In Alice's story, we see patterns of withdrawal from emotions and distorted satisfaction of personal needs. In particular, the father could show sincere feelings for his daughter only when he was drinking. His unstable behavior and psychological abuse did not allow him to adequately satisfy the children's need for love. As a consequence, Alice has low self-esteem. She believes that she is unworthy of love, and seeks to overcome the feeling of uselessness. In order to solve this problem, it is important not to run away from painful conflicting feelings, but to accept them and live.

I maniacally ventilate the room,
when I smell the smell of fumes

Maria, 25 years old

My father used to run a training center, now he runs a preparatory school for the exam. Our family looks very well from the outside, despite the fact that my father drinks. Few people know about his problems.

I remember my father drunk from the age of seven. He usually got drunk on holidays, and then he could not stop and continued to drink for a week or two. At the same time, the father almost never drank at home - he did it in the garage or somewhere else. In rare cases, he would hide the bottle in his jacket, if my mother and I were not going through his things, and then put it behind the sofa and drink a little. We tried to stop it by locking him up at home. Sometimes it helped, sometimes he still came out, and everything started all over again.

It is unpleasant for me to recall alcohol-related moments from my childhood: the constant quarrels of my parents, the smell of fumes, my father's nasal voice when he philosophized about who I would become in the future and how important it is to study now. But the worst thing was when he got into trouble: he lost things in the entrance, fell asleep on the street, fought with a neighbor, got hit by a car, he was robbed and beaten with a bat by the boys near the garage. In the end, all these problems had to be solved by my mother and I. We looked for him around the area and took him to the hospital. Now I don’t live with my parents, but I’m scared for my mother. You never know what problems her father can create for her? Suddenly, someone will watch for him at the entrance, take the keys and go into the apartment?

I never got angry with my father. Rather, I was worried about the consequences of his binges for our family and about what could happen to him.

I believe that alcoholism is a sign of weakness. Father always justifies himself with problems at work, but I think he understands everything. He was encoded several times, but the encoding always ended on his birthday.

When the coding period ended, I became scared. The last time my father coded for five years. Before his birthday, I began to have dreams about how he comes home drunk. After five years of calmness, I thought: oh no, is this going to happen again?!

Nothing can be done about it, you can only get used to it. I understand that my father's alcoholism is not my fault, it is a serious illness. And I don’t consider the situation in my family to be some kind of shame, I calmly tell my friends about it. Maybe this is also due to the fact that every second of my acquaintances has a similar story.

Sometimes I feel older than my father. Maybe because of this I am more independent than people who grew up in normal and happy families. I decided to focus on my life and make sure that nothing like this happened in it. Sometimes I find that I get too hung up on the minutiae associated with alcohol. Now I live with a young man - in his family there is a tradition to drink a couple of shots of vodka at dinner. At first it bothered me, but then I realized that he really drinks without fanaticism. If he comes drunk after a party and we lie down in the same bed, the smell of fumes annoys me. He is associated with his father. At such moments, I begin to maniacally ventilate the room.

Maria's story is about how alcohol corrodes a socially successful family and, like a cancerous tumor, destroys ties between its members. In this rusted structure, there is an inversion of roles: it is no longer the parents who take care of the child, but the child begins to take care of them. Both parents in this situation are deeply ill: one is dependent, the other is co-dependent, and it is difficult to say which of them contributes more to the process.

The role inversion persisted when Maria became an adult. She worries that her father might break loose again and that her mother won't be able to deal with the consequences. Maria did a lot to stabilize the situation - the feeling of a gap between the efforts spent and the result cannot but disturb her, but it leads to a dead end, because the levers of influence do not work. The only way out is to accept your helplessness. You can gently talk to your parents about seeing a specialist, giving them a choice.

Sergey Borzov

Semya family center psychologist

Sergey Borzov

Semya family center psychologist

Maria’s story is about how alcohol corrodes a socially successful family and, like a cancerous tumor, destroys between its members. In this rusted structure, there is an inversion of roles: it is no longer the parents who take care of the child, but the child begins to take care of them. Both parents in this situation are deeply ill: one is dependent, the other is co-dependent, and it is difficult to say which of them contributes more to the process.

The role reversal persisted when Maria became an adult. She worries that her father might break loose again and that her mother won't be able to deal with the consequences. Maria did a lot to stabilize the situation - the feeling of a gap between the efforts spent and the result cannot but disturb her, but it leads to a dead end, because the levers of influence do not work. The only way out is to accept your helplessness. You can gently talk to your parents about seeing a specialist, giving them a choice.

What if you recognize yourself in history?

advice from psychologists for adult children of alcoholics

Remember that you are not to blame for the alcoholism of your parents. You are also not responsible for their emotions and behavior. And this is not because you are weak - only specialists can control the course and consequences of the disease.

Your childhood was difficult, but now you decide what will happen next.

Many children of alcoholics have low self-esteem. The most difficult thing for such a person is to learn to be proud of himself. Each has strengths and weaknesses. Accept yourself with all the mistakes, experiences, achievements. Every day mark the reasons to be proud of yourself, take responsibility for your success, do not give it to "favorable circumstances." In case of failure, try to get out of the situation "with a cool head", muffled emotions, and use the opportunity that has arisen to do things in a new way.

Don't be afraid to say "no" when you feel that the requests of others cause you rejection and resistance.

Learn to gradually open up to others in order to overcome feelings of alienation and shame.

Know how to be in the present, and not rely on past suffering as a crutch.

Accept all your feelings, even negative ones. It is important to be able to express them in a healthy way, without harming yourself or others. If you are angry, try hitting a sports bag, shout in an open field or forest, play darts, or write a letter to the offender, and then destroy him.

Don't fight with your parents, it's pointless. They are not perfect - they are just people who can be caring or not, strong or weak. Probably, their life was passed through a meat grinder, and pain, fear and something else were mixed in this stuffing. The most difficult task is to learn to notice love in him.

Just because your parents were alcoholics doesn't mean you need to see a doctor. But if you feel like you need help, don't be afraid to seek professional help. Perhaps, at the beginning of therapy, it will seem to you that remembering events from childhood is too painful, and you will want to quit it.

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