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How to forgive your best friend


8 Tips for Forgiving Someone Who Hurt You

Getting hurt by others is inevitable. It feels lousy. And sometimes that bad feeling lasts and lasts. Fred Luskin, PhD ’99, has a radically simple (though not easy) way to feel better: Forgive.

Luskin, founder of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects and author of Forgive for Good, says that in the most elemental terms, to forgive is to let go of bad feelings or the desire for revenge after you’ve been harmed. “You’re letting go of your internal bitterness, resentment and self-pity over an experience that’s in the past,” he says.

Luskin has spent decades studying the benefits of forgiveness. In a recent Stanford Pathfinders podcast episode, he explained that most of the reasons to forgive are for your own welfare. “When you’re remembering a hurt or a wound that you haven’t resolved in your mind and heart, that remembrance triggers stress chemicals. It triggers physical distress. When you remember it often, you are stressing your body on a chronic basis,” he says. “That has a physical cost.”

While forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean reconciling with the person who hurt you, Luskin says, it’s especially important in the relationships you want to keep. “I think our culture has focused in the other direction, which is that forgiveness is most important around relationships that you don’t want to keep. The real need for forgiveness is in marriages, families, business relationships, friendships, between siblings,” he says. Here are eight ways to work on that.

Get mad, feel hurt and grieve.

When someone hurts you, Luskin says, grief and anger are natural and healthy responses. So is self-pity! And there’s no set time for how long it takes to work through and process the hurt. “Forgiveness is allowing negative feelings of outrage and grief to come in, and then letting them go because you’re now at peace with your life.”

Ask yourself whether your anger is constructive or destructive.

Constructive anger solves a problem in the moment by galvanizing you so that you respond appropriately to a threat, Luskin says. Destructive anger is repetitive and has no positive result. “The person you’re angry at isn’t changing, and you’re not growing. In fact, you’re creating brain pathways that make the anger more likely.” When anger becomes a habit rather than a way of processing, or when you hold on to it for a really long time, he says, “it turns out to be destructive both to your physical well-being and to the people around you. No good comes of it—it’s a misuse of one of our biological coping mechanisms.”

Don’t worry—you aren’t saying the offense was OK.

One of the biggest misconceptions about forgiveness, Luskin says, is that it means you’re condoning the offender’s behavior. “In fact, forgiveness means that you don’t condone it. You know it’s wrong or inappropriate, but you choose to cleanse your heart. You don’t make excuses for the behavior. You just accept it and make peace. That’s very different.”

Practice stress-reduction techniques.

If you’re at the table and a family member says something hurtful, Luskin says one of the simplest things you can do is to take a couple of breaths. Stress-management techniques soothe your body’s fight-or-flight response so you stay calm and keep your head.

Remind yourself why you want this person in your life.

When someone you care about acts in a way that is hurtful to you but you want to keep the relationship, it’s important to remember the good the person has done for your life, Luskin says. “People are not replaceable. It’s important to remind yourself that you have one father, one mother, one best friend.” Luskin adds that this doesn’t mean people should stick around for mistreatment or stay in a bad or unhealthy relationship. It does mean that successful relationships are hard to cultivate and maintain if you’re holding grudges, keeping score, or thinking about ways to make someone pay for something he or she did.

“Just about every relationship that you’ve ever been in requires some forgiveness to maintain itself,” he says. “Everyone is flawed, and our perceptions are too. So getting hurt is inevitable. We have to have a mechanism for letting it go and making peace, in order to have happy sustainable relationships. ”

Set boundaries.

When you’ve been hurt by someone you have a relationship with, some gentle boundary setting may be in order. But Luskin says that doesn’t mean calling people out, blaming them or disowning them. “Learn how to simply say, ‘What you just did is not OK.’”

Recognize that you’re telling a story that can be changed.

Our brains are designed to keep us safe from danger, Luskin says, and so a lot of the stories we tell ourselves are not accurate. “We simplify to accentuate the threat. We create these distortions in our head to keep us safe.” Luskin says the quickest way to forgive is to change the story.

So if you’ve been telling yourself a story that five years ago, your friend didn’t invite you to her wedding, and it was a terrible offense that you’re still smarting over, consider that perhaps the two of you were in a rough patch, and she may have made a mistake, but she did the best she could.

Make yourself the hero.

Luskin says that attributing your present distress to something that happened in the past is a way of making yourself a victim. He offers this example: “If I say, ‘The reason I’m unhappy now is that my wife left me three years ago,’ that’s creating victimhood.” A more truthful statement, he says, would be something like, ‘The reason I’m unhappy now is that my wife left me; I didn’t have adequate resources for dealing with it, and in the years since I haven’t figured out how to make peace with that.’

“When you tell yourself, ‘The only one who is going to rescue me is me,’ that creates a kind of heroic efficacy that says, ‘I have to solve this problem. I have to figure out how to be OK and be happy in a life that includes the painful end of a marriage,’” he says. When you can do that, you gain a sense of your own resilience. “When one is able to forgive, it leads to a little more efficacy in handling one’s life. Instead of being limited or afraid, you get a sense of, ‘I know I can cope with difficulty.’ That’s probably the biggest personal benefit.”

Charity Ferreira is a contributing editor at Stanford. Email her at [email protected].

How to Forgive and Move Forward

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Forgiving a friend may not be easy, but it could be good for your mental health.

There’s no sugar coating it: it hurts to be hurt by a friend.

When a friend wrongs you, you may question whether the friendship is worth keeping. Yet, even if you feel uncertain about whether you can fix the friendship, practicing forgiveness could be good for your mental health — on top of good for your relationship.

A 2017 study found that greater forgiveness is associated with less stress and better mental health. Another 2017 study also found forgiveness had strong ties to feeling positive emotions, positive relations with others, a sense of purpose in life, and a greater sense of empowerment.

Thus forgiveness may be worth exploring while you explore if the friendship is worth saving.

Forgiveness is a part of friendship, and getting hurt by a friend — even your best friend — is not uncommon.

When a friend hurts you, it often has less to do with you and more on “their past pain and what’s going on with their life,” explains Antoinette Beauchamp, a certified leadership coach specializing in communication and relationship management.

If you’re trying to decide whether you can still be friends, the real question to ask yourself, according to Beauchamp, is, “can you be friends with someone who hurt you without resentment?”

If you don’t think you can forgive the hurt, then “having an authentic friendship will be difficult — and the pain will likely resurface, causing another argument later,” says Beauchamp.

How to determine if the friendship should be fixed

Determining if a friendship should be fixed “depends on how much you value the friendship and whether or not you’re willing to work through the hurt,” suggests Dr. Harold Hong, a board certified psychiatrist in North Carolina.

Your choice to fix the friendship may also depend on the outcome of your confrontation. “If they’re defensive or refuse to take responsibility, you may need to reconsider your decision to stay friends,” says Hong. “You don’t want to lose yourself in a friendship or be with someone who doesn’t value your feelings. ”

On the other hand, if they are receptive and apologetic, and you know you want to stay friends, Beauchamp suggests taking the time you need to heal and returning to the friendship when you feel ready and open.

“Confronting a friend who hurt you will not be easy,” notes Dr. Nereida Gonzalez-Berrios, a board-certified psychiatrist in Texas. “The confrontation needs to be planned, so any overwhelming feelings don’t make the process difficult to restore.”

Gonzalez-Berrios recommends the following steps:

  • Prepare yourself for what you want to talk about.
  • Stay composed while you explain how they hurt you.
  • Let your friend give a viable explanation — and listen.
  • Avoid arguing, but be assertive with your point of view.
  • Be clear about your boundaries in the relationship.

“Be honest about your feelings and use ‘I’ statements to express yourself,” suggests Hong. “For example, ‘I felt disrespected when you raised your voice at me in front of others. ”’

From there, Hong suggests you try to explain how you would like the situation to be handled differently in the future. “For example, ‘In the future, I would appreciate it if you would talk with me privately if you’re upset with me instead of yelling at me in front of others.'”

It’s also critical that you give your friend a chance to respond. “Your friend may not have realized their actions were hurtful, so this is an opportunity for them to understand your perspective,” says Hong.

And while confrontation may feel intimidating, Beauchamp reminds us that giving honest feedback is sometimes the most loving thing you can do.”

“To reconcile a friendship, be honest, communicate, and create a path forward together,” says Beauchamp.

It’s also important to let go of resentment. “Holding onto anger and resentment will only damage your mental health and prevent you from moving on,” explains Hong. “Try to let go of negative feelings and focus on the positive aspects of your friendship. ”

“You can also forgive and then steer clear of them in the future if you feel it’s in your best interest,” says Hong. “In fact, mental health experts recommend forgiving those who have hurt you to improve your mental health and well-being.”

Remember that when healing a friendship, you also need to heal yourself. Beauchamp suggests turning to tools such as meditation, breathwork, and journaling to help you process any complex emotions.

You also don’t have to heal alone. “If you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out to [another] trusted friend or family member for support,” says Hong. “Seeking mental health assistance can also help you process your emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms.”

Forgiving a friend won’t always be easy, and it may take some time for things to return to normal.

Still, forgiveness and healing are possible if both you and your friend are willing to work on the relationship. And either way, your mental health will thank you for practicing forgiveness.

“Friendships are like all other relationships, there are stages and phases, and things change. And that’s okay,” says Beauchamp. In fact, things may change for the better, even if it’s not in a way you expected.

Friendship: forgive or not? | PSYCHOLOGIES

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Knowing oneself A man among people

Sometimes it is enough to remain silent, look wrong or break a promise to end a friendship. For 37-year-old Andrey, the decisive moment was the phrase “Have a nice weekend!”, thrown by Yulia, with whom he has been friends since childhood: “I told her about the death of my dog, and she reacted as if some thing just broke! She not only did not sympathize, she also showed how little she knows me and how she despises my attachment to the dog.

Betrayal has many variants: a friend did not come when he was needed; a friend seduced your partner; the friend lied, revealed your secret, or didn't come to your defense.

If a conflict occurs, it seems to us that we have lost a part of ourselves.

“To betray means to intentionally break trust,” reminds psychotherapist Varvara Sidorova. - It seemed that with this person we have an explicit or implicit agreement on how we behave with each other; we were sure that the relationship with him is safe and reliable. And suddenly (sometimes after many years) it turns out that he did not play by the rules, and in an instant our picture of the world collapses.

Friendship, like any love relationship, is built on exchange, on what we give and take. I love myself through another, I like that he loves me and transmits my attractive image to others.

Friendship is based on similarity: we are friends with those who can be our alter ego, our reflection, the ideal image in which we recognize ourselves. The positive look of a friend nourishes us, makes us more confident and enriches the image of ourselves that we create.

Why does betrayal hurt so much?

According to Aristotle, a friend is also the one who makes us better, who allows us to develop our talents and abilities. If there is a conflict, it seems to us that we have lost part of ourselves. Not surprisingly, the betrayal of a friend is perceived as a disaster.

“I did an internship with Nina,” says 37-year-old Elizaveta. She was eight years older, and I looked at her with admiration. I needed confidence, support and recognition. She gave me all this. Gradually we became friends. We had a lot of common ideas and we created a joint venture. When she betrayed me, I just lost faith in myself, it began to seem to me that in our common projects I was not up to par and therefore lost her trust.

The main thing is not to try to pretend that our pain does not matter, that everything is forgotten and immediately forgiven of our life) — a whole complex of feelings is experienced by the one who has been betrayed, — says psychologist Ilya Latypov. “There is such a sharp pain that at the first moment we turn to our “I” in order to understand what happened after all. ”

You can think about what happened alone, with the help of loved ones or a psychotherapist. “The main thing is not to try to pretend that our pain does not matter,” emphasizes Varvara Sidorova, “that everything is forgotten and immediately forgiven.” Try to understand what exactly hurt you. Betrayal of a friend? Or maybe it just became the last straw in the bowl of your grievances?

Not everyone is ready for such often painful work. Someone cuts a friend out of their life once and for all. Someone tries not to think about the offense and continues to communicate "as if nothing had happened." But both strategies are, in fact, an escape that makes reconciliation or forgiveness, and even more so, the restoration of relations, impossible, warns Ilya Latypov.

How to survive betrayal?

To realize the importance of what happened is to take the first step towards forgiveness. The second stage requires more courage. At this point, we should be able to tell a friend that we feel betrayed, to express our pain.

We ourselves need this, notes Varvara Sidorova: “When expressing our pain, we pronounce the rules that a friend has broken, and thus restore the integrity of our picture of the world.” This is what will help restore the dialogue. So we may be able to take another step forward.

Unexpressed, unlived anger, unresolved relationships, everything that is hidden in the depths of the soul prevents us from moving on

It is not at all necessary that forgiveness will happen. If a friend does not admit that he offended us, does not regret what happened, then the friendship is over, and we, most likely, were wrong about him. Or maybe, on the contrary, he wants to clarify a misunderstanding or share what he is going through. If a friend realizes that you are fragile and need to be careful with you, you can continue the path together.

Forgiveness does not automatically restore trust, emphasizes Ilya Latypov. “This requires sincerity, and from both sides. Trust is born again only through the contact of two open, naked consciousnesses, when you feel that there is no subtext, no second bottom behind this experience.

“Regardless of the outcome, this very explanation helps move into the future,” adds Varvara Sidorova. “Unexpressed, unlived anger, unexplained relationships, everything that is hidden in the depths of the soul, prevents us from moving on.” This makes it difficult to form new friendships.

“After my friend's betrayal, I try to keep my distance from new acquaintances. Since then, I have not been able to make friends, ”Angelica, 29, admits bitterly.

The role of betrayal in relationships

Having experienced betrayal, we feel acutely that friendship makes us stronger and more vulnerable at the same time. We experience both an irresistible desire to restore the former unity, and the fear of being abandoned. Betrayal plays some scenes from the oedipal phase, when we suddenly realize that the other person's love is directed not only at us. And then we get angry with ourselves for believing in its purity.

Psychoanalyst Nicole Fabre suggests abandoning narcissistic illusions: “Betrayal is an integral part of friendship, because it is based on likeness. I would say that it is even desirable: this is the logical conclusion of a relationship with an alter ego, a “healthy” break. For friendship to be strong, we must stop perceiving the other as our reflection or part of ourselves, recognize his otherness.

As in love, in friendship one always idealizes the other and expects that he will compensate for all his shortcomings. As in love, in friendship there comes a moment of disillusionment, from which a true relationship begins.

If there is a strong desire to be friends, you can take a chance and renew the relationship

Forgiveness, we part with a childish view of friendship. And we admit that in another person, as in ourselves, beautiful and unattractive features coexist.

We recognize that our friend can make mistakes, and we no longer treat him utilitarianly, estimating what good he will give us. It may disappoint us, hurt us, but we still recognize its value. If we manage to overcome difficulties together, friendship will become deeper and richer.

There is no rational way to forgiveness. “We intuitively focus on our inner measure: can I now feel safe with you or not?” - says Varvara Sidorova. If there is a strong desire to be friends, you can take a chance and renew the relationship.

Sometimes it happens that forgiveness comes as if against our will, when resentment lets us go. Although we do not necessarily get close to a friend again. “Three years later, I suddenly realized that the pain had disappeared,” recalls Elizabeth. “I even have good memories of our friendship. I don't regret that she was."

The wound has healed, the betrayal has been experienced: “I used to dissolve into something else, constantly looking for recognition, but now I have become more confident, whole. I show everyone who I am, with my strengths and weaknesses, and I am not afraid that they will not accept me or betray me.

Text: Galina Chermenskaya

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How to forgive the betrayal of a friend (girlfriend)? | Psychology

Betrayal is diverse, it can hide behind the search for historical truth, economic interests, the desire to realize one's professional potential at the highest possible level. And it is hardly, probably, possible to find a person whom someone at least once in his life would not betray in some way. They betray everything and constantly! Who is in business, who is just in thought... - such, alas, are the realities of life, the territory of survival.

A friend betrayed a friend. Or a friend betrayed a friend. You considered your friend the closest person to you, trusted him, shared all your secrets with him, and he took - and betrayed you, all your secrets became known to many, or even worse - attributed to you many bad deeds that you did not do at all. It seems like a common situation - think about it! They betray the Motherland - wow! And that's nothing...

But for someone, the betrayal of a loved one is a real shock, the meanest thing in the world. Big stress. It feels like they took you and squeezed you out like a rag, then they threw you on the floor, and even wiped your feet on you.

The betrayal of a person close to you is confusing. You are lost, confused and cannot understand at all why this particular person - your best friend, your best friend - betrayed you. It means that he was not your friend at all, as in the famous song of Vladimir Vysotsky: "... neither a friend nor an enemy, but so ...". After all, a true friend is the one who, in any situation, at any time of the day, in any weather, wherever he is, will come to the rescue, who is even ready to give his life for you. A true friend ... he will never betray, he can always be trusted.

Of course, there will certainly be people who disagree with the above statement. It is understandable. There are situations in which you can justify a person, because we are people and we tend to make mistakes. Each of us has certain principles. And certainly no one is obliged to give his life for the sake of someone! Friends are a headache, a lot of new problems, because everyone needs to pay attention, sacrifice something ...

There is some truth here. As the saying goes: "Trust, but verify." The saying of the ancient thinker Aesop involuntarily comes to mind: “Those whom you hope for can destroy, and those whom you neglect can save.” And you begin to understand more sharply how difficult everything is in this world.

Real friends are really very few. Why? Because very often on the basis of friendship there is competition, envy, resentment ... And as a result - problems in relationships, hatred, the desire to take revenge, to do something bad to a person who just yesterday was a real friend for you, the closest person in life.

What to do, how to behave for those who have been betrayed? In this case, only a person can help himself.

First, of course, you need to find the strength in yourself to get out of a depressive state and return to the state in which you were before.

Under no circumstances should you follow your first impulse, which you may later regret very much, but calmly, as objectively as possible, understand yourself and the very reason for what happened. Maybe you are guilty of something, did something wrong? After all, everything is possible.

If true friends in life are rare to find, then they must be appreciated.

Learn to forgive. There is no guarantee that you yourself are not mistaken in something, because no one is immune from any mistakes ... But forgiving does not mean that you completely forget everything, because then we get the opposite effect - a betrayal of ourselves.

You cannot put people close to you in such conditions that they suddenly have to make a choice between loyalty and betrayal. It is a mistake to think that those who are close to you must necessarily and always give their lives or simply sacrifice something for the sake of you, beautiful and worthy... Here it is important to memorize one rule: the ability not to put a person in strict rules of choice determines the ability to be friends. If you know that your friend is not a fighter, but deliberately drag him into a fight for your interests, and when he became cowardly, you stand in the pose of an offended who was suddenly betrayed, then, in fact, he is not a traitor, but you!

Betrayal is the real test of our humanity, tolerance and fitness.

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