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How to fix sexless marriage


5 strategies on how to fix a sexless marriage

Home » Saving a sexless marriage

“Relationships don’t die because of a lack of love, they die because of a lack of passion.” – Tony Robbins

When you met your partner, you felt a tremendous sense of passion toward them. This manifested on both an emotional and physical level. The two of you were inseparable, and you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. You got married and felt like you were on top of the world. You couldn’t imagine you’d ever be in a sexless marriage.

But things have changed.

Over time, you’ve found yourself coping with a no-sex marriage. Things have sputtered out. The relationship is still intact, but you’ve lost that necessary intimacy you need to keep your love alive. Don’t sit back and accept a sexless relationship as normal. You can not only learn how to survive a sexless marriage without cheating – you can learn to reconnect with your partner and bring back the passion.

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What causes a sexless relationship?

Most couples don’t choose to be in a sexless relationship. It’s often something that happens gradually – the newness of the relationship wears off and the passion goes with it. New relationship stressors appear, like long work hours, financial stress or a new baby, and you never seem to recover. Weeks turn into months with no intimacy, and you find yourself in a no-sex marriage.

A sexless marriage can also be caused by both emotional and physical health issues. Depression or stress, as well as many medications, can decrease libido. You may also find your libidos were mismatched to begin with, or that you’re never “in the mood” at the same time. And if you’re constantly in conflict, you may rarely feel in the mood.

But what’s wrong with this description of a sexless marriage? You’re not taking responsibility for your life. You’re not addressing the root problem and asking yourself what you could be doing to fix it. Even health issues can be overcome with the right strategy to create intimacy in new ways. You’re wondering how to survive a sexless marriage without cheating when the real question is, how can my marriage thrive again?

Can a sexless marriage survive?

The short answer is that yes, a sexless marriage can survive – but it can come at a cost. If one partner desires sex but the other is uninterested, lack of sex can lead to decreased intimacy and connection, feelings of resentment and even infidelity. Even in situations where both partners are on the same page – both have low sex drives, there is a physical distance like military deployment or a disability or medical condition causing the sexless marriage – the couple must be vigilant about creating intimacy in other ways.

If you’re in the first type of sexless marriage – one where uneven sex drives or other relationship problems are making you feel disconnected and unloved – it’s essential that you work on restoring passion and intimacy. Often, a sexless marriage can survive only because the partners convince themselves it’s normal, and they must keep a brave face. Don’t fall into this trap. While everyone responds to losing the physical aspect of their marriage in a different way, do not let it become the new normal.

How to fix a sexless marriage

First, change your mindset. Instead of agonizing over how to survive a sexless marriage without cheating, commit to reigniting that lost sense of passion. Learn what you can do in a sexless marriage that will allow you to regain that physical intimacy and connection.

1. Realign your polarity

In order to thrive, a relationship needs masculine and feminine energies. These contrasting energies are similar to the negative and positive charges on a magnet – when together, this creates polarity in a relationship. Feminine energy focuses more on emotion and connection, while the driving force behind masculine energy is working toward an end goal. Regardless of gender, there must be masculine energy in one partner and feminine energy in the other for a relationship to succeed.

Examine the roles you and your partner have taken on in your marriage. Have they changed over time? Did the partner with feminine energy take on a new role that requires more results-driven traits? Has the masculine energy source had to step down from being the provider?

If you’ve begun asking whether your sexless marriage can survive, you and your partner may have already been embodying energies that don’t suit you for a long time. Perhaps the masculine partner needs to feel that they are providing for your family more, or the feminine partner wants to feel able to care for the masculine partner. Returning these energies to where they belong – again, regardless of your physical genders – will help push the emotional dial of your relationship back toward passion.

2. Date each other

A sexless marriage is often a comfortable marriage. When you settle down together and move past the phase where every day is full of excitement, you get lazy. The passion fades.

Think of all the little things you used to do for your partner before you were married. You probably brought them little gifts and told them how much they meant to you. You planned date nights and excursions. Now you can hardly remember the last time you planned a special date night for your partner. 

Why did you stop? Because you got comfortable. You stopped treating each other like you were special. You stopped dating each other.

Prove to your partner that you’re their biggest fan who would do anything for them. Surprise them when they least expect it – it can even be with something like their favorite latte during lunch hour or picking up dinner on your way home. Mind-blowing, passionate relationships take work, and you must be willing to put in the time and commitment it takes to not only survive a sexless marriage but see it thrive.

3. Communicate with each other

Can a sexless marriage survive? Yes, but only if you communicate with the one person who can truly help you turn it around: your partner. Have you brought this issue up with them? Are they also unhappy with how infrequently you’re being intimate? Or have you been simmering in silence, letting your resentment build and further relinquishing any hope you have of rekindling your passion?

Chances are, your verbal and emotional communication is lacking, which has led to your sexless marriage. Did something occur that eroded your ability to speak freely with each other like you used to? Is it something serious like infidelity, or are you both coping with new stresses at work or at home? 

Commit to speaking up and asking them how they think and feel about the situation. Wading into this territory with them is frightening but necessary. When you’re able to communicate on a mental and emotional level with your spouse, you’ll create a deeper physical connection, too, so find a way to positively address the issue and create a plan to move forward together.

4. Let yourself be vulnerable

Communication will only improve your connection if you’re willing to be completely open and honest. Absolute courage and vulnerability is one of the Five Disciplines of Love, and it’s one of the most difficult for many people to embrace. Yet being willing to be vulnerable is the only way to create true intimacy in a relationship – and a sexless relationship is about intimacy more than it is about sex.

Sex and intimacy aren’t the same thing – but they are inextricably linked. Sex is tied to intimacy, which is tied to how much you’re willing to give of yourself. If you’re not willing to share your truth and be empathetic to your partner’s truth, you’ll never be able to fix your sexless marriage.

5. Keep an eye on your relationship

Working together to go from learning how to survive a sexless marriage without cheating to learning how to fix it is an important step, but your work isn’t over yet. It is vital to remember that your relationship changes over time. Depending on the situations and stressors in your life, you will have days when you’re physically closer with your partner and days when you need space. The secret is to continue reassessing your physical and emotional needs together, as a loving unit, and making adjustments as necessary.

It’s important to stop living out old stories – let go of past mistakes! Don’t keep punishing your partner for something they said and did that you’ve already discussed, and don’t hold on to limiting beliefs about yourself, either.

You aren’t the same people you were when you met, because you’ve both grown and changed. This isn’t a bad thing. A sexless marriage can survive, but a healthy, successful marriage embraces changes and continues innovating in the relationship. The things your love life needed in the beginning aren’t the same as what it needs now. As long as you’re willing to communicate openly and honestly with your partner, you will be able to revive and sustain the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

Saving a sexless marriage: Common questions

Is sex once a month considered a sexless marriage?

Most professionals agree that a sexless marriage is one in which sex occurs less than once a month or less than ten times per year. While once a month would not technically be considered a sexless marriage by this measurement, a more important barometer is whether or not the lack of sex bothers you.

How long do sexless marriages last?

A sexless marriage can last a lifetime – if you let it. And many likely do last a lifetime, because couples fall into the trap of thinking that sexless marriages are “normal.” While they are common – estimates for the number of sexless marriages range from 10 to 20 percent of all marriages – if one or both partners are unhappy, that is never normal. Rather than asking whether a sexless marriage can survive, ask yourself: Do you want it to?

Do you stay faithful in a sexless marriage?

Yes – staying faithful is essential to any marriage. Sexless marriages certainly do not justify infidelity. The temptation not to stay faithful is a symptom of a larger problem – a problem that can be fixed, if you’re willing to do the work. Work on learning what to do in a sexless marriage to improve your connection and rekindle the passion. Then, you won’t be tempted to look elsewhere.

What percentage of sexless marriages end in divorce?

It’s not known what percentage of sexless marriages end in divorce, but if the rate is in keeping with the overall divorce rate in America, it would be about 50 percent. Chances are that the percentage of sexless marriages ending in divorce is even higher. However, some couples manage to convince themselves that a sexless marriage is nothing to worry about, and those marriages can last a lifetime.

Is a sexless marriage grounds for divorce?

Sexless marriage can be grounds for an at-fault divorce, especially if one partner is purposely withholding sex as a punishment or if one partner wants to work on the issue and the other refuses to seek help. But a sexless marriage can also be the catalyst a couple needs to overcome deep relationship issues and reconnect with one another. Wouldn’t you rather be the second type of couple?

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How To Fix A Sexless Marriage, According to Sex Therapists

Life

"Avoiding a topic because it’s uncomfortable is the best way to feed the problem.”

by Carrie Weisman

Updated: 

Originally Published: 

The truth about sex is that, while there are certainly those legendary couples who have sex five times a week every week, most couples in long-term relationships experience sexless marriages. Sex in marriage fluctuates, and a dry spell isn’t necessarily indicative of irreversible damage. An important thing to note is that while the frequency of sex might dip, the quality of sex can and should increase. It’s when couples forfeit sex and intimacy all together in the longterm and find themselves in a sexless marriage that bigger issues could be at play.

Sexless marriages are, more often than not, a sign of deeper relationship issues like a lack of emotional intimacy, resentment, the “roommate phase,” or boredom. Whatever the case, a sexless relationship shouldn’t be ignored. Because the longer you wait to fix it the longer it will take to get solved. So what do you do if you find yourself in a sexless marriage? What steps can you take to fix a one? We asked a variety of sex therapists and counsellors who are well-versed in helping couples work through issues of sexual dry spells to walk us through how often people fall into sexless marriages, and how to help get a relationship back on track.

1. Break Down the Problem

“There are numerous causes for a sexless marriage to develop. Many times it doesn’t have anything to do with sex,” says Sarah E. Clark, a licensed therapist and relationship expert. “When couples start to drift apart, lose their connection, take each other for granted, or build up resentment toward each other, their sex life is drastically impacted. You can think of sex as the barometer of the relationship.”

According to Clark, open communication is key to working your way out of a sexless relationship. “To fix a sexless marriage you need to treat whatever the root cause is for that couple.” For example, she says if the reason a couple stopped having sex is strictly because they don’t enjoy sex with each other, then the fix is about breaking down what isn’t working in the bedroom and finding some new strategies that they will both enjoy. Each couple’s problems will be different, but looking for the root cause is the solution.

2. Talk About the Good Old Days

“There are so, so, so many things that have an impact on our level of desire, and it’s not always as easy to pinpoint as some may think,” says mental health counselor Erin C. Parisi. “Many relationships have people who do not have the same level of sexual desire. ” Parisi recommends individuals ask themselves: What side of the spectrum do I fall on? It’s also a question, she says, you should eventually pose to your partner. Try talking about what sex was like before, when things changed, and what was going on around that time. “Ask your partner if they’re happy with how things are. If they could change something, what would it be? Make time to connect with each other, have fun, bond, flirt, try new things, tease, compliment, and set new goals,” she says.

3. But Don’t Try to Relive the Glory Days

“When I start working with parents who find themselves in a sexless marriage, I don’t tell them to go off and “just do it.” The first step is to simply help them have a better conversation about sex. Sexual problems are so common among new parents, but discussing them in a loving, creative, and productive way is not,” explains Dana B. Myers, sex coach and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. “There is often an expectation that couples should just return to the same frequency and the quality of sex. But with kids in the picture, things truly have changed. But things can get better once again, and with open communication, sex life after kids can become even more expansive and pleasurable than it was pre-kids.” According to Myers, people waste too much time talking about how little sex they’re having within marriage. She suggests getting proactive. Get to talking. If that’s too much of a challenge, think about seeking some professional help.

4. Nurture the Emotional Intimacy

When fixing a sexless marriage, “A first step would be working through any areas of resentment in the relationship and fostering emotional closeness through increased time together, intimate conversation, and affection,” says Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a licensed psychologist and marriage counselor. Fisher says feeling relaxed during sexual encounters is key to sexual responsiveness. Anxiety, he explains, tends to kill the mood, leading to less sex. From there, he suggests setting up a sex schedule to help get things back on track. “Most couples have a discrepancy in sex drives, which can often lead to a lack of regular sex. Creating a ‘sex schedule’ of one to three times per week can be a perfect solution.”

5. Stop Comparing Your Sex Life to the Movies

Couples should avoid comparisons whether or not they are trying to fix a sexless marriage. “People often compare their sex lives to what they see on TV, movies, porn, or to what their friends claim to have,” says Eliza Boquin, a relationship and sexuality expert. “Way too often, people are misled into believing that everyone except them is having great sex.” If you are worried about the state of your sex life, or fear having a sexless marriage, Boquin suggests entertaining some open and honest conversation. “If you’re unable to communicate about sensitive topics like sex, then it’s time to learn some new communication skills. Avoiding a topic because it’s uncomfortable is the best way to feed the problem.”

This article was originally published on

How to fix an unhappy marriage? – Celebrity.fm

8 strategies you can use to fix an unhappy marriage.

  1. Compare apples to apples. …
  2. Be full of hope. …
  3. Be kind and generous (and expect the same in return). …
  4. Create goodwill. …
  5. Be the best friend. …
  6. Promote a positive cycle of sex and physical affection. … nine0010
  7. Be grateful. …
  8. Discuss your problems together.

Secondly, what are the most difficult years of marriage? Research shows that the majority of marriages that fail (about 10 percent) fall apart within the first two years. Based on data from 11,000 divorces, the researchers concluded that men are more likely to cheat on their wives during this stage of marriage, leading to a spike in divorces due to infidelity.

however Is it normal to be unhappy in a marriage? nine0007

Unhappiness in marriage is normal. In every relationship there are ups and downs, happy and difficult seasons, agreements and disagreements. For most people, marriage is harder work than they expected, but that doesn't mean it's not worth the investment.

What does every marriage need?

They learned to invest their money, energy and time in the 8 components of a healthy marriage:

  • Love/Commitment. At its core, love is a decision to be committed to another person. nine0010
  • Sexual fidelity.
  • Humility.
  • Patience/Forgiveness.
  • Time.
  • Honesty and trust.
  • Communication.
  • Unselfishness.

And yet, can an unhappy marriage be saved?

The answer to the question that makes people feel helpless: "Can an unhappy marriage be saved?" is definite, but measured yes. Repairing a marriage requires commitment and diligence and has the best chance if both partners are equally committed to each other, despite their current unhappiness. nine0007

Contents

What is the #1 reason for divorce?

Abuse. The most serious reason for divorce is any persistent domestic violence. This certainly includes physical abuse that could put the life of one of the spouses in immediate danger. However, patterns of verbal or financial abuse can also be destructive and are a very strong reason for a marriage to end.

What are the 5 stages of marriage? nine0006

Here are the five stages of marriage you need to know:

  • The honeymoon stage. The honeymoon stage can last up to two years, after which all-consuming feelings of love and happiness begin to fade.
  • The stage of the struggle for power.
  • Stability stage.
  • Commitment stage.
  • Stage of co-creation.

What are the 7 stages of marriage?

Marriage therapist DeMaria and coauthor Harrar present a concise guide to the seven stages of marriage—Passion, Fulfillment, Rebellion, Collaboration, Reunion, Explosion, and Consummation—along with techniques to “feel happy, secure, and contented” in any of them. them. nine0007

Why am I single in my marriage?

Loneliness in marriage can be caused by various reasons. Family, work, and stress often play a role, but internal factors such as your own unrealistic expectations and fear of vulnerability can also make it difficult to communicate with your spouse.

What makes a woman unhappy in marriage?

The root of every unhappy marriage is probably a deep-rooted feeling of dissatisfaction. Feeling that love, affection, trust, respect, or other essential components are not enough for a satisfying relationship. By nature, a woman is more connected with her emotions. nine0007

How can I tell my husband that I am unhappy?

How to talk to your husband about being unhappy

  1. Tell me about your feelings.
  2. Talk about what you want, not about what you don't want.
  3. Admit your fear.
  4. Remind him that you are determined and hopeful.
  5. Confess that you are ready to work on this too.

How can I make my marriage stronger? nine0006

Below are some important keys to work on every day to make your marriage successful.

  1. Communicate clearly and often.
  2. Tell your spouse that you are grateful to have him or her in your life.
  3. Make time for the two of you as a couple.
  4. Schedule some personal time.
  5. Understand that it is okay to disagree.
  6. Build trust. nine0010
  7. Learn to forgive.

What makes a woman happy in marriage?

Be attentive to the little things she loves.

According to Manley, people tend to feel very happy when their partner pays attention to the little things in them. “Most wives succeed and feel deeply loved when their husbands attend to their little preferences in life,” she tells mbg.

What are the first signs of divorce? nine0006

9 warning signs that you may be in danger of divorce

  • You are not happy.
  • Most of your interactions are not positive.
  • You find reasons to avoid your partner.
  • Your friends or family urge you to end the relationship.
  • Your instincts tell you to leave.
  • You live as roommates.
  • Everything is hard.

Is divorce better than an unhappy marriage?

A 2002 study found that two-thirds of unhappy adults who stayed together were happy five years later. They also found that those who divorced were, on average, no happier than those who stayed together. In other words, most people who are unhappy in marriage or cohabitation end up happy if they stick with it.

When should you leave a marriage?

What are the signs that you want or need to leave your husband?

  1. You are a victim of abuse.
  2. Your spouse is overly controlling of you.
  3. You can no longer trust your spouse.
  4. There was an affair.
  5. Your spouse is making no effort to improve the relationship, and you have done everything you could.

At what age do most marriages break up?

48 percent of those who marry before age 18 are likely to divorce within 10 years, compared with 25 percent of those who marry after 25. divorce. nine0007

Is my marriage dying?

When a marriage dies, both sides want to be heard. However, if one of you ends up listening while the other spouse does the talking, then it may be time for you to speak up and make yourself heard too. It is difficult to talk about grievances and grievances.

Why do I feel lonely in my marriage?

Loneliness in marriage can be caused by various reasons. Family, work, and stress often play a role, but internal factors such as your own unrealistic expectations and fear of vulnerability can also make it difficult to communicate with your spouse. nine0007

What is a good relationship between husband and wife?

help each other. In an ideal relationship between husband and wife, there should be a sense of respect, belonging and cooperation. Respect the nature of your partner. The ideal life partner, along with love and respect, cooperates with each other in every work and does not impose all work on anyone.

How can I improve my family life?

10 tips for a healthy marriage

  1. Spend time with each other. Married partners need to spend time together in order to become stronger.
  2. Learn to negotiate conflict.
  3. Always show respect to each other.
  4. Find out about yourself first.
  5. Explore proximity.
  6. Explore common interests.
  7. Create a spiritual connection.
  8. Improve your communication skills.

What happens in an asexual marriage? nine0006

Can an asexual marriage survive? Short answer: yes, sexless marriage can survive, but it can come at a cost. If one partner wants sex and the other is not, the lack of sex can lead to less intimacy and connection, feelings of resentment, and even infidelity.

How can I love my husband again?
  1. Be realistic. Of course, you would like to go back to those dizzying days when you first met and could not tear yourself away from each other. nine0010
  2. Curiosity. Look at your partner in a new way.
  3. Prioritize your relationship.
  4. Dig a little deeper.
  5. Open.
  6. Focus on the result.
  7. Start now.
  8. Remember who you fell in love with.

How to talk to your husband about problems without quarreling?

Five proven steps to fight-free communication

  1. #1: Find out what you need first. First, make sure you fully understand what you need to get from your argument.
  2. #2: Let the storm pass.
  3. #3: Be specific about what you need.
  4. #4: Agree on a plan.
  5. #5: Recognize your partner's efforts.

What are the signs of an unhappy relationship?

18 signs that you are in an unhappy marriage, according to a psychologist

  • You don't have sex.
  • You have fantasies about divorce.
  • You minimize each other's concerns.
  • All your time seems lonely.
  • The fun is over.
  • They are no longer your confidant.
  • You feel forgotten.
  • Everything they do gets under your skin.

What can a man do in a sexless marriage?

In this article

  • destroy myths about sex in marriage
  • to understand the problem
  • decide that you need to do
  • summing up

when marrying men usually find themselves in an unexpected and confusing situation . And we are not talking about taking emotional and financial responsibility for one (or several, when children come) more souls. nine0007

We also do not think about all the more or less expected changes, such as having to share all your life plans with another person, signing a mortgage on a house that you would otherwise never buy, but will pay for half your life , or all the benefits of marriage, like never thinking about laundry or eating again.

No, for many men, when they get married, it is shocking that their sex life changes dramatically to the point that they are trapped in an asexual marriage. nine0007

Their once sexy girlfriends and fiancees become unselfish wives and mothers.

For the lucky few, this never happens. For some, the dry spell comes after many years of almost the same sex life as before marriage, with minor adjustments due to the new lifestyle they are now leading.

And for some, their sex life becomes unsatisfactory soon after they hear wedding bells.

Although many women complain about the same problem, this article will offer some advice to men who feel they need to deal with their sexless marriages somehow. So what can a man do to deal with a sexless marriage?

If you're stuck in Sexless Marriage, advice for men to overcome this sex-free hurdle is right here!

1. Destroy myths about sex in marriage.

It's hard enough that you lived in a sexless marriage. Now it is important not to shift the additional burden of believing in the myths about the sex life of married people onto your shoulders. nine0007

The vast majority, if not all, of married couples have less (or less enjoyable) sex compared to their dating days. Marriage without sex does not necessarily mean that the partners never have sex.

Typically, less than ten sexual encounters per year is considered an asexual marriage in therapeutic practice.

But the main factor is the couple's satisfaction with the frequency of sexual intercourse. For some, this may not even be considered a problem, and for some, even twice as much is too little. nine0007

Marriage without sex does not necessarily involve extramarital affairs, although it can sometimes lead a man to turn his attention to other women. But sexless marriages and affairs are not the result of a frigid wife.

Also, marriage without sex does not mean that love is gone. In fact, this situation is the result of many different causes and their interaction, which creates the basis for the second advice for men about sexless marriage.

2. Get to the root of the problem. nine0063

For a man in an asexual marriage, it is important to get to the root of the problem.

But do it carefully, with care and compassion.

It's easy to get frustrated by the stress of surviving a sexless marriage and the fact that you're not satisfied with it. However, the added pressure of attacking or blaming your wife would be like pouring wet cement - you'll never move on again.

So, talk to your wife and try to express your feelings while showing compassion for her. Give her the opportunity to say whatever she thinks without fear of hurting or angering you.

3. Decide what you need to do.

Let's not ignore the pink elephant in the room - thoughts of romance or divorce have most likely crossed your mind at one point or another. And it's natural.

Regardless of any other aspect of your marriage, not having sex with your wife will get you thinking about these ideas. And it is here that you need to approach them with cold rationality and in a situation where you can take into account all, both positive and negative sides. nine0007

Because if you avoid this unpleasant self-talk, you may be tempted by a beautiful stranger or slam the front door with a "divorce" on your lips in rage. And you may regret your actions.

But this is something you must decide now before you take steps that are difficult to correct. Wouldn't sex hurt you? Is there anything else you can do about it? Have you considered every option? How are other aspects of your marriage?

What are the reasons for staying? Have you tried therapy? Ask yourself all of these questions when you get bogged down in thinking about how to handle a sexless marriage like a man. nine0007

Talk to your wife (after all, she is the person you choose to share your deepest fears and doubts with) and remember that not having sex right now does not mean you are doomed. Solutions for asexual marriages exist.

Watch this video to learn more about sexless marriages:

Debriefing

When you think about what a husband in a sexless marriage should do, these tips and tricks can come in handy when it comes to saving your marriage and filling it with a new spark and intimacy.

Learn more