How to fix jealousy problems in a relationship

15 Ways to Deal With Jealousy in a Relationship

Skip to content

Published: October 20, 2022 Updated: November 8, 2022

Published: 10/20/2022 Updated: 11/08/2022

If you’re feeling jealous in your relationship, it’s not necessarily time to break up. Mild jealousy is a natural human emotion that can be healthy, as long as it’s addressed thoughtfully. A strong relationship has a foundation of love, mutual respect, trust, and communication; however, when one person feels threatened or worries about losing their partner, these emotions can transform into fear, insecurity, and jealousy.

If you’re ready to address the roots of jealousy and work on your relationship, get the support and guidance of a couples counselor on ReGain. Complete a brief questionnaire and begin online couples counseling for as little as $60 per week. Learn More.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by ReGain

Visit ReGain

Where Does Jealousy Come From?

Jealousy is a normal human emotion. When dealt with properly, it can even be an opportunity to strengthen the relationship; however, ongoing jealousy in a relationship can indicate anxiety or self-esteem issues (e.g., if you haven’t worked through childhood issues or past infidelity, it may manifest in how you engage in your present relationship). Research also suggests that jealousy grows when you face a threat to your self-esteem.

15 Tips to Deal With Jealousy In a Relationship

Whether you, your partner, or both of you are experiencing jealous feelings, there are many ways to manage jealousy in a relationship. It’s always best to be honest, open, and vulnerable with each other. Also, be willing to explore some of your own unspoken needs and cultivate a stronger sense of self-confidence.

Here are 15 tips to deal with jealousy in a relationship:

1. Acknowledge & Openly Talk About Jealousy

If you’ve noticed jealous feelings, it might be time to have a candid conversation with your partner. Communication is key! In many instances, jealousy is an internal battle, so do some introspection. Then, share what you discover with your partner. Be truthful about how you feel and what makes you uncomfortable, creating boundaries for yourself and the relationship.

A partner who is willing to honestly talk about their feelings is demonstrating healthy jealousy. For example, saying, “I felt jealous when the man at the party was talking to you. I felt like he was flirting, and it made me feel uncomfortable,” is a healthy expression of jealousy. How you decide to respond to your own jealousy will make or break the relationship.

2. Recognize That Jealousy Is Usually a Sign of Insecurity

“Jealousy is something we all feel at one point or another. In our personal lives, feeling threatened by someone else is fairly common. However, jealousy can turn into a destructive force if we’re not careful. Recognizing that jealousy is usually a sign of insecurity can help us be more mindful of how we’re feeling and interacting with others. Perhaps if we catch ourselves feeling jealous, we can take a step back and reassess the situation. Is there something we’re afraid of? Are we feeling threatened? Taking the time to identify our feelings can help us to address them head-on rather than letting them fester. And when we’re able to do that, we can improve our relationships – with ourselves and with others.” – Lanae St.John, DHS, CSC, ACS, Founder of The MamaSutra

3. Work on Managing Your Emotions

“Emotions can be information without being directives. That means you can experience jealousy, acknowledge that it is uncomfortable, and ask for appropriate support, without immediately behaving in a knee-jerk way or being accusatory. In relationships, we can ask our partner(s) for support, but we can’t expect them to manage our emotions for us (nor should we want them to!). Learn how to recognize what you’re feeling, acknowledge it, experience it, and tolerate it, as part of your own inner work.” – Bethny Gabriella Brown, LPC, Nemi Health & Wellness, PLLC

4. Keep a Relationship Journal

A journal is a safe place for you to vent and describe how your jealousy feels, both emotionally and physically. Your journal is not going to judge you for how you feel, so this is an opportunity for you to go beneath the surface and explore insecurities and frustrations.

When journaling, reflect on your relationship with these key questions:

  • Is your partner really the right person for you?
  • Did they do something specific to trigger the jealousy?
  • Are you bringing your past into this new relationship?
  • Are you self-sabotaging?

5. Before Pointing Fingers, First Look Inward

“We all have different experiences in life that shape our expectations for relationships.  Different types of past experiences in family, friend and romantic relationships may lead us to be distrustful, insecure or dependent in the present. Hurling accusations at your partner can make them feel defensive, or even insecure themselves. When you notice those feelings of jealousy surface, it’s most helpful to take a moment to pause and reflect on what in your past is being triggered to make you assume the worst of your partner. From there, you can use I-statements to explain how you are feeling and why, without jumping to conclusions or assigning blame.  This vulnerability can actually provide an opportunity for you and your partner to grow closer as you learn more about each other’s needs.” – Victoria Murray, LCSW

Marriage & Couples Online Counseling Options

While having both members of a couple participate in counseling is ideal, often one person does want to participate. The services below help both individuals and couples with relationship issues.

Regain – Receive couples counseling from a licensed therapist, starting at $60 per week. Get Matched With A Therapist

Online-Therapy – Video and text based relationship couples counseling, starting at $50 per week. Try Online-Therapy

Want to have your relationship go from OK to great? Make realistic, real-life improvements to your relationship. Ritual combines live video based coaching from relationship experts, with self-guided online activities. Free Two Week Trial

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by Regain, Online-Therapy, and Ritual.

6. Explore Underlying Issues

Before you talk to your partner, identify where your feelings are coming from. Take responsibility for behavior and make a commitment to address your insecurities.

One method to explore low self-esteem focuses on identifying personal values such as communication, compassion, or honesty. This helps you pinpoint your positive traits and review what’s important to you in the relationship. This might help decrease distressing feelings of jealousy and overthinking in the relationship.

7. Remember That Experiencing Jealousy Doesn’t Always Mean That Your Partner Is Doing Something Wrong

“If jealousy is showing up for you, you might believe that this is an alarm bell signaling that something is wrong. Have you ever heard someone say “I went through his phone because I just KNEW he was cheating.” Of course, sometimes the feeling and other people’s actions line up – and there are plenty of people who have trusted their gut and learned that boundaries were being crossed in their relationships. But the feeling of jealousy, on its own, does not perfectly detect cheating or other disrespectful behavior. It might mean that you’re scared of something happening, even if it’s not actually happening. You can use this as information without acting on it right away!” – Bethny Gabriella Brown, LPC, Nemi Health & Wellness, PLLC

8. Identify Your Unspoken & Unmet Needs

This can be tricky because you will have to practice vulnerability. When jealousy involves a third person, you should do a self-assessment to help you filter through the web of emotions. You don’t want to act on assumptions or find yourself bringing up past issues or experiences and projecting them onto your current relationship.

The self-assessment can be as simple as asking yourself these questions:

  • What is the emotion telling me?
  • Where do I feel unseen in this relationship?
  • What am I no longer getting from this relationship that I feel this other person is getting instead?
  • What do I believe I’m losing?

Taking time to introspect and answer these questions can bring unmet needs to light. Once you have gained this new perspective, you can decide how you would like to move forward in response to your feelings.

9. Voice Your Concerns

If your partner’s actions (or someone else’s actions towards your partner) provoke jealous feelings, don’t hesitate to bring this up with your partner as soon as possible. They might not have been aware of the behavior, or they might not have realized how you felt. Use the opportunity to discuss or revisit any relationship boundaries.

If you trust your partner but have doubts because of past relationship experiences, try finding ways that both of you can improve the situation. Remember, your partner is choosing to be with you. So, for example, if there is a specific person in your partner’s life that you feel jealous of, consider muting their Instagram, so you have fewer chances to compare yourself to them.

10. Hold Back On Making Rash Decisions

Amidst temporary heightened emotions, the choices you make can have long-lasting negative consequences. Jealousy that gets out of control can present itself in the form of anger, which can lead to the relationship crumbling. It’s strongly suggested that you take a few minutes and self-soothe when you feel emotionally charged by jealousy.

11. Start Appreciating Yourself More

“Low self-esteem and insecurity are two of the most common reasons why you feel jealous. There’s this scary feeling of not being good enough for your partner. Some people tend to feel jealous because they feel like they are living in the shadow of their partner’s ex. These reasons will naturally make you feel like there’s a threat to the relationship and your self-esteem.

A good method to do is to try making a list of all the things you love about yourself and the traits your partner loves about you. You can even let your partner help you out with this list. Another thing you can do, especially if you keep comparing yourself to others, is to go through your social media, such as Instagram, and unfollow users who make you feel insecure. This can help give you space from feelings of inferiority and eventually develop your self-esteem.” – Lauren Cook-McKay, LMFT, Vice President of Marketing at Divorce Answers

12. Build Healthy Coping Skills

Coping with triggered jealousy won’t help you work though the underlying issues, but consciously turning your attention away from it can help keep you from acting on your feelings in a harmful way.

A few helpful coping exercises include:

  • Deep breathing exercise
  • Progressive muscle relaxation
  • A mindfulness activity

13. Heal Your Past Wounds

“Another reason why you may feel jealous is having a lack of trust because of past relationships. Trust issues often stem from negative or traumatic past experiences, such as infidelity in past romantic relationships. However, lacking trust in your partner may lead you to the possibility of controlling them. Having a bit of control is normal, but trying to control your partner for things that are out of your control is problematic and damaging to the relationship.

Learning to heal your wounds is the first step to overcoming these trust issues and overall personal growth. This can help you trust your partner a lot more and keep you from trying to take control of every aspect of the relationship. Every time you feel jealous, remember that the person you’re with is not your ex-partner. Trust and let go of control.” – Lauren Cook-McKay, LMFT, Vice President of Marketing at Divorce Answers

14. Talk to a Therapist

If you’re struggling to manage jealous thoughts/feelings on your own, don’t hesitate to talk to a therapist. Talking about jealousy isn’t always easy, and initially you might feel even more uncomfortable, but an effective therapist knows that jealousy is normal and will respond to you with empathy and compassion.

Here are signs that you may want to talk to a therapist:

  • Jealousy leads to obsessive or fixated thoughts
  • Jealous thoughts become intrusive or unmanageable
  • Violent thoughts or urges
  • Problematic behaviors, such as following your partner, spying on them, or checking up on them consistently on social media
  • Jealousy negatively impacts your day-to-day life and prevents you from focusing on work, activities, etc.

15. Seek Couples Therapy

Jealousy crops up in different ways, but it’s mainly caused by a lack of communication. Couples therapy sessions can help you understand that your jealousy is either irrational or due to a misunderstanding. A couples therapist can teach you to be empathetic and understand why your partner is acting in a particular way vs. automatically jumping to the conclusion that they’re attracted to someone else.

A couples therapist might also use cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to teach you and your partner to identify negative, intrusive thoughts, fact check the validity of those thoughts, and replace them with more realistic, supportive thoughts. For example, “He is going to leave me for his coworker,” would be replaced with, “He is cordial and professional with all of his coworkers because they work together.” Working together can bring partners closer when feelings of jealousy aren’t condemned or shamed.

Address the root causes of jealousy and work to build a stronger relationship. Get the support and guidance of a couples counselor on ReGain. Complete a brief questionnaire and begin online couples counseling for as little as $60 per week. Learn More.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by ReGain

Visit ReGain

How to Deal With a Jealous Partner

Being in a relationship with a jealous partner shouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker. Some people have trust issues that stem from past relationships or breakups, and many times it is possible for couples to work through these problems with open communication, healthy boundaries, and patience.

Here are five tips for how to deal with a jealous partner:

  1. Talk about their fears and anxieties: sit down and ask them exactly what’s going on. Since jealousy is an indicator that a person feels threatened or scared, it’s important that you listen with empathy and compassion, without telling them these feelings are wrong (especially if you know your partner has anxiety)
  2. Don’t get defensive about your own behavior: this will probably be tricky, but try to evaluate the situation and respond to your partner calmly. Reassure them that you want to work on the situation with them. If, however, you are considering ending the relationship, this might be the time to be open about that, too.
  3. Show extra affection: demonstrate extra love during this sensitive time by giving your partner more physical affection. Even though their jealous behavior might seem irrational to you, it’s important to be supportive.
  4. Create healthy boundaries: setting appropriate boundaries is a positive investment in your relationship. Mild jealousy from a partner can be a healthy thing, however, if it becomes excessive or abusive (always seek help if you are being abused), then it’s crucial to discuss the behaviors you are willing to work through as well as the ones you have zero tolerance for.
  5. Be patient and revisit the issue: jealousy is an issue that will take time and effort to fix. At times it will feel time-consuming and emotionally draining, but it is important that you continue to be supportive, work to build trust, and make it clear that you’re committed to working on the problem together.

Is Jealousy Healthy In a Relationship?

Jealousy is a normal human emotion, and emotions need to be released. In a relationship, jealousy might simply be a sign that you need to communicate with your partner about your needs, insecurities, boundaries, and desires. Healthy jealousy that is communicated in an open way results in growth in the relationship. This might look like one partner identifying insecurities and coming up with a plan to deal with them.

Is Jealousy a Sign of Love?

There are two types of jealousy: healthy jealousy and unhealthy jealousy. Healthy jealousy stems from seeing a potential threat and needing to guard a partner you love. This is completely normal and part of being human. If however, jealousy is triggered by fear and leads to acting from a place of suspicion, paranoia, or insecurity, then it’s unhealthy and not based in love.

Jealousy & Insecurity

Traits like low self-esteem, insecurity, feelings of inadequacy, and emotional dependency have all been linked to jealousy in relationships. It can be a complex emotion stemming from different sources such as abandonment issues, being cheated on in the past, or not feeling good enough/worthy. The best coping mechanism is to explore and heal the root cause.

Jealousy comes up at some point in most relationships, and if it is addressed openly, it can ultimately strengthen your relationship. How you respond to your own jealousy can either make or break the relationship. Take responsibility for your feelings by communicating them to your partner and actively looking into ways of working through them.

How to Find a Therapist

If you’re ready to find a therapist, consider using an online directory to find the perfect match for you. Check with friends, family members, or coworkers. Many may be in therapy themselves and can offer recommendations. Others may know of good therapists in your area or know of resources to connect you with therapists.

Final Thoughts on Jealousy in Relationships

If you’re in a relationship with a jealous partner and feel stuck, working with a professional therapist can help you navigate and overcome the challenges in a supportive and nonjudgmental way. Remember, you’re not alone.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Dating is complicated and emotionally challenging. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started (Online Therapy) – Are you dating someone with mental illness or addiction? Don’t face these challenges alone! The standard plan includes a weekly 45 minute video session, unlimited text messaging between sessions, and self-guided activities like journaling. Recently, they added instructional Yoga videos. Get Started (App) – Mindfulness and meditation can change your life. In a few minutes a day with, you can start developing mindfulness and meditation skills. Free Trial

Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who has your best interests in mind. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp,, and

update history

We regularly update the articles on to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

  • Originally Published: October 1, 2021
    Original Author: Insha Rahman, LCSW
    Original Reviewer: Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP

  • Updated: October 20, 2022
    Author: No Change
    Reviewer: No Change
    Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources. Added seven new tips from licensed therapists.

If you are in need of immediate medical help:


Suicide Hotline

How to not be jealous and overcome it with these 9 tips

Healthy intimate relationships are one of the biggest joys in life, bringing companionship, laughter and passion into both partners’ lives. When your relationship is based on trust, it serves as a lifeboat, anchor and sail that keeps you afloat, secure and filled with purpose. When jealousy corrodes the trust and respect in your partnership, the relationship becomes a weight that hinders personal progress.

Understanding how to stop being jealous in a relationship is a prerequisite for a healthy union. No matter what causes jealousy in your relationship, you can work to tame it and create a meaningful partnership.

Want to improve how you handle relationships?

Download Tony's Free Relationship Guide

Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?

When it’s mild and expressed in a healthy way, jealousy can lead to growth in a relationship. It’s a natural human emotion; eliminating it completely isn’t possible for many of us. We want to be the apple of our partner’s eye. We want them to reciprocate the way we feel. We want them to commit to us. These are all perfectly fine standards in a relationship.

 Mild jealousy shows that we care about our partner and don’t want to lose them. Jealousy in relationships only becomes a problem when we let it get out of control. If you’re able to recognize the emotion, determine what it’s telling you, communicate that to your partner in a nonjudgmental way and reach a productive solution, that’s healthy jealousy. If you’re engaging in constant fights or unhealthy behaviors like snooping in your partner’s phone, it’s time to look at what causes jealousy in a relationship – and how to fix it.

What causes jealousy in a relationship?

Jealousy in relationships often doesn’t show up immediately. When you first meet your partner, you’re in your honeymoon phase. The endorphins are flying. But then, you see a text from a person you don’t know. Or you notice your partner likes to make friends with new people when you go out. If you’re jealous of your partner’s successes, perhaps there’s an unhealthy element of competition that needs to be eliminated.

 It’s easy to point the finger at your partner as the reason for your jealousy. But to discover how to not be jealous in a relationship, you must understand that it isn’t about your partner – it’s about you. In every one of these scenarios, ultimately you’re projecting your insecurities onto your partner, and it’s your insecurities that need attention. You must gain a deeper self-awareness about your own beliefs, attitudes and emotions, then learn to transform them.

At its core, jealousy in relationships is about low self-esteem. When you don’t feel confident in yourself or feel that you deserve the love of your partner, you project those insecurities onto your partner. These are limiting beliefs – false beliefs we hold about ourselves and our true natures that hold us back.

 Even if your partner broke your trust, it’s likely your jealousy still stems from insecurity that was provoked by your partner’s actions. You can repair your relationship – but not if you’re letting your limiting beliefs hold you back. When you learn how to replace them with empowering beliefs and confidence, you’ll learn how to stop being jealous in a relationship.

Effects of jealousy in relationships

Unhealthy jealousy goes against the 5 Disciplines of Love – universal principles for building a trusting, healthy union. The discipline of unconditional love and compassion becomes impossible to sustain, because jealousy impairs your ability to love without barriers. It’s also impossible to be truly vulnerable when jealousy is an issue – and vulnerability is another prerequisite for a passionate and loving relationship. If you can’t learn how to not be jealous in a relationship, you’ll never connect with your partner on a deep, honest level.

 Jealousy also creates tension in the relationship. When you are constantly suspicious, your partner may not be completely open with you for fear of igniting your jealousy. Even when they’re not doing anything wrong, your envy clouds discernment and it becomes hard to tell the truth from mere suspicions.

 You can’t give your partner the freedom to live life when you’re jealous, nor can you feel free to live your own life when you’re dealing with a jealous partner. Jealousy can creep into all areas of your life, making it hard to enjoy anything. 

 This tension can affect the physical, emotional and mental health of both partners. Chronic stress can increase risk for hypertension and heart problems, decrease immune function and shorten overall lifespan. The lack of enjoyment you feel in your relationship can turn into anxiety and depression. Studies have found that jealousy in relationships ends up negatively affecting relationship commitment – the opposite effect of what the jealous partner wants. 

 When jealousy is given full sway in a partnership, neither party thrives. And if you don’t learn how to overcome jealousy in a relationship, you could drive your partner away for good.

How to stop being jealous in a relationship

Your partnership will suffer if you let jealousy go unchecked. Understanding jealousy in relationships requires being honest with yourself and your partner. Get to the bottom of your jealousy and create a healthier relationship dynamic.

1. Be honest about jealousy’s impact.

It’s impossible to solve a problem if you refuse to acknowledge it. Rather than pretending you aren’t feeling jealous or your jealousy isn’t a problem, be honest. How do you feel because of your insecurities, and how are they hurting your relationship? It might be difficult to acknowledge the problems your envy is causing, but take heart in the fact that you’re taking the first step to a healthier relationship.

2. Ask what your jealousy is telling you 

Psychology Today provides a family therapist’s view on how to stop being jealous in a relationship: Rather than view jealousy as a problem, look at your jealousy as a solution. Jealousy (or any other relationship issue) is a window of opportunity we can peer through to gain clarity. Humans feel deeply – it’s the source of our greatest joys and greatest sorrows. We developed these emotions for a reason: they are there to tell us something. 

Instead of shutting down the jealous behavior outright, seek to understand it first. What problem is the jealousy attempting to solve? Working backward from there will help you get to the bottom of how to stop being jealous. By getting to the real problem, you’re able to address it and find lasting relief.

3. Discover the Six Human Needs.

It’s likely that your jealousy is telling you something about your Six Human Needs. These are the needs that must be met in order to create a fulfilling relationship. They underlie every decision we make – and jealousy is a decision. It isn’t a result of your partner’s actions or something that was done to you in the past. It’s a result of your unique values and your mindset. You can learn to control it, but you must go to the source: your thoughts, emotions and needs.

4. List your insecurities.

Mastering how to stop being jealous in a relationship starts with looking at yourself. What insecurities are driving your jealousy? Are you unsure of yourself due to perfectionism? Are you comparing yourself to others? You’re not making this list to shame yourself – you’re owning your role in the relationship.

5. Cultivate self-confidence.

Once you’ve made a list of the insecurities driving your jealousy, write down an antidote to each one. If you’re living under the shadow of your partner’s ex, make a list of all the traits your partner loves about you. If you constantly compare yourself to celebrities, unfollow them on Instagram for a week. By giving yourself space from feelings of inferiority, you’ll be able to develop the self-confidence you need to overcome jealousy.

6. Consider the source of your insecurity.

Mastering how to not be jealous in a relationship is often a matter of healing the wounds of the past. If you’re struggling with jealousy due to an unresolved issue like a childhood trauma or addiction, get the support you need to overcome it. With the right help, you can transform your struggles into sources of strength. 

7. Be honest with your partner.

If you’re struggling with jealousy, your partner has probably already noticed. Your partner is most likely also contributing to the problem. By practicing effective communication, you’re acknowledging your contribution while also holding your partner accountable – and giving them the opportunity to support you as you work toward a solution.

8. Build healthy coping skills.

Sometimes, it can be hard to let go of jealousy in relationships if you don’t have healthier ways to relate. Provided your partner isn’t giving you a reason to be suspicious or jealous (ie. by cheating on you or habitually lying), it’s up to you to tame the source of your jealousy. Recognize that you don’t need jealousy – you’re just used to it. Practice self-care and nurture your physical, emotional and mental health. When you prioritize healthy coping mechanisms, they become the norm and eventually replace jealousy.

9. Discover

The Ultimate Relationship Program.

It often isn’t easy to learn how to not be jealous in a relationship. Jealousy is such a deep-seated emotion that it often feels like we have no control over it. So where do you start? The key is to think of your relationship holistically. Jealousy is just a symptom of a larger disconnect. What’s really going on between you and your partner?

The Ultimate Relationship Program will take you back to basics, teaching you about concepts like polarity and the Six Human Needs – the building blocks of all romantic relationships. You’ll look inward at your own desires and limiting beliefs before looking outward at your partner. You’ll finally eliminate your fears once and for all and know how to overcome jealousy in a relationship in a healthy, positive way.

Want to stop feeling jealous?

A Results Coach can help you examine and overcome your limiting beliefs, so you can feel fulfilled and confident in relationships. 

Get Coaching

This website uses cookies to personalize your experience and target advertising.. By continuing to use our website, you accept the terms of our updated policies

How to deal with jealousy: advice from a psychologist in the capital

Jealousy is one of the most common reasons women turn to psychologists. Many women tend to experience a constant painful state of inner fear, fear of losing an object that is significant to them. According to experts, to one degree or another, jealousy is present in everyone. We can be jealous of friends, colleagues, family members, it all depends on the degree of emotional closeness. What is jealousy and where does it come from, says Nina Kizrina, a psychologist at the Hope branch of the Crisis Center for Women and Children.

Bring peace to the family

32-year-old Tatyana turned to the Crisis Center for Women and Children. She has been married to Mikhail for 12 years, her husband holds a managerial position and spends a lot of time at work.

Until June 2020, the woman had no idea that her husband could cheat on her. But after the long-term and happy marriage of her best friend collapsed before our eyes due to infidelity, Tatyana was seriously worried. In just a few weeks, she worked herself up so that she could not close her eyes. It began to seem to the woman that Mikhail had been deceiving her for a long time. Thus began endless surveillance of her husband, and over time this led to frequent conflicts in the family, which had not happened before. Tatyana realized that unreasonable jealousy would not lead to good, and turned to professional psychologists for help.

“The psychologist has developed a plan for individual interviews. Meetings with Tatyana were held once or twice a week for three months. In the process of work, it was possible to restore the emotional background, remove obsessive and disturbing thoughts, harmonize the relationship between the spouses and return peace to the family, ”says the specialist .

What is jealousy like

Jealousy is a bright, negative, emotional sense of possessiveness, reinforced by egoism, the desire to completely control another person, which is usually expressed in distrust, suspicion, in painful doubts about loyalty and love.

Psychologists distinguish three types of jealousy: rational, irrational, delusional jealousy.

  • Rational jealousy arises when there is really a real threat to lose the object of love.
  • Irrational jealousy is not connected with reality and is based mainly on imagination and fantasy. It occurs in people with a vivid imagination who suffer from inferiority complexes, who have suffered mental trauma in childhood.
  • Delusions of jealousy - inadequate, unreasonable jealousy, reaching the point of mental pathology. Basically, this type of jealousy occurs in people with mental disorders (schizophrenia, paranoid disorder, alcoholism, drug addiction).

How jealousy is born

The feeling of jealousy is formed in the period from one to three years. In the family, the child learns how to interact with each other, what should be the relationship of parents. The kid sees how mom and dad communicate, take care of each other, solve problems.

As a rule, a jealous woman in most cases chooses a man for her husband who will stimulate this feeling. The origins of the causes of jealousy come from parent-child relationships - lack of love in childhood, physical or sexual abuse, genetic predisposition, childhood psychological trauma. Growing up, a jealous woman on an unconscious level begins to play her scenario from childhood - the psychological trauma of rejection, fearing its repetition. Later, this behavior acts as a form of betrayal prevention.

« Jealousy may be caused by competition between siblings who claim special status from their parents; identification with the deceived parent when the other parent is cheating; dysfunctional relationships in the parental family - alcoholism, physical abuse, infidelity of the parent of the opposite sex , ”says the specialist.

Causes of jealousy in older age - self-doubt, low self-esteem in sexual terms, the presence of an inferiority complex, uselessness, underestimation of one's own abilities and capabilities. Also, the causes of jealousy can be emotional dependence, fear of losing an object of love or loneliness, an excessive sense of ownership, an unlimited right to possess another person.

One of the manifestations of jealousy is sadomasochism. The experiences of jealousy here are closely connected with self-torment, with manifestations of masochistic tendencies.

The jealous one gets a kind of pleasure from the torment experienced during constant surveillance, looking for evidence of a partner’s betrayal”, - Svetlana notes.

An important cause of jealousy is the neurotic need for control. If a jealous woman misses the opportunity to control her partner, then she begins to panic, jealousy increases significantly.

Another reason for jealousy is the partner's provocative behavior. In this case, the partner unconsciously provokes jealousy in order to get "proof of love", focusing on the formula "jealous means love." Therefore, such women always have a dramatic relationship with a partner, she constantly needs confirmation of love. This indicates a high degree of codependency.

“If there is silence at home, there are no manifestations from the husband, declarations of love, scandals and manifestations of jealousy, then she becomes unbearable - she needs an emotional shake-up, a discharge that she is used to receiving in a dysfunctional parental family,” says psychologist.

How to get rid of jealousy

  1. If you decide to fight this negative and destructive feeling, then always proceed from the idea that your partner is faithful to you. By continuing to think that he is cheating on you, you will never be able to cope with jealousy.
  2. Realize that the reason for your jealousy lies not in the actions of your partner, but in your own fears of the horrors that your imagination draws: betrayal, betrayal, loneliness.
  3. Having understood that the reason for your jealousy is fears and complexes, do not expect your partner to do something magical, from which jealousy will be removed as if by hand. Will not take off. The only person who can pull you out of the swamp of jealousy before it completely destroys you completely is yourself.
  4. Replacement of fear. The best way to deal with fear is another fear. Stop being afraid that your loved one will cheat on you, start to fear that with your suspicions, scenes of jealousy and tantrums, you will finally destroy your relationship. When you are truly afraid of this, the feeling of jealousy will leave you forever.

If you find it difficult to cope with jealousy on your own, sign up for a consultation with professional psychologists. The specialists of "My Family Center" and "Crisis Center for Women and Children" will help you in such a difficult situation.

Press Service of the Department of Labor and Social Protection of the City of Moscow

Why we are jealous and how to stop doing it

November 8Relationships

There are often no real reasons, so it is up to you to deal with the problem.



You can listen to the article. If you feel more comfortable, tune in to the podcast:

What causes jealousy

You are insecure

Licensed clinical psychologist Seth Meyers writes that people with low self-esteem can also feel insecure in relationships. They believe that they are not good enough to attract a partner and keep his interest over time.

You need to control everything

One partner worries about his place in the other's world. Perhaps, even in childhood, a person experienced a disturbing experience and now thinks that he cannot be trusted, because at any moment he can be preferred to another.

Anastasia Popova

Psychologist, systemic family psychotherapist of the Family Medical Center "Leib-Medic".

But this is not just anxiety. This is an attempt to control the actions of the other side. Fear of someone else's freedom and rebellion against it.

You are too attached to your partner

Constant baseless jealousy may appear due to excessive attachment, when one cannot separate from the other and lives his life.

If you constantly interfere in the life of a companion, forbid meeting friends and spend time separately, the chances of destroying relationships are high. There is nothing wrong with a couple having common interests. But everyone should also have their own hobbies.

You project your own repressed desires onto your partner

Family psychotherapist Anastasia Popova notes that jealousy can arise due to the projection of your own state and repressed sexual desires onto another person. Without admitting to ourselves, we want to go to the left, only now we attribute this to the satellite.

You have obsessive thinking

Jealousy can be the result of obsessive (obsessive) thinking. Psychologist Seth Meyers recalls the case of a patient who was jealous of partners in all her relationships. She also had some signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder. When her husband came home late, lingered, she could not put up with not knowing what and where he was doing. Therefore, I filled in the gaps and thought out myself. I took the facts out of my head, and then I was jealous and worried. She herself created disturbing thoughts and reasons for excitement when faced with the most terrible circumstance for this type of people: unknown .

Also, according to the expert, jealousy can be caused by a person's general paranoid state.

There is a real reason for jealousy

Perhaps the most logical reason: there really is a reasonable reason for jealousy. Maybe this is an unambiguous correspondence with another or another, not yet forgotten betrayal or irrefutable evidence of infidelity.

How to stop being jealous

Accept and examine your thoughts

Robert Leahy, Ph.D., professor at Yale University, former president of the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapy, the Academy of Cognitive Therapy, and the International Association for Cognitive Psychotherapy, recommends that in the midst of jealousy, stop, exhale and pay attention to your thoughts.

Do they reflect the reality? If you think that a partner is interested in someone other than you, this does not mean that they are. You must understand that thoughts and reality are different things.

Don't give in to feelings of jealousy

Anger and anxiety can be intensified if you begin to obsess over them. You need to accept your emotions and let them be. You don't have to "get rid of the feelings," but if you approach observing your experiences consciously, it will help to ease them.

Understand that uncertainty is part of any relationship

We are looking for certainty: "I need to know that she / he is not interested in you" or "I want to know that we will not part and be together." Dr. Leahy writes that some are even ready to end the relationship before they think the other does.

Robert Leahy

Uncertainty is part of life. This is something we cannot do anything about.

You cannot know for sure whether your partner will leave you or not. But with your accusations and reproaches, you can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Understand your conjectures

Jealousy can be fueled by unrealistic beliefs: past relationships of a loved one threaten your union, you have nothing to offer a partner, this relationship will repeat a bad experience with another or another. Often this is nothing more than speculation that has nothing to do with reality.

Find effective ways to build relationships

“Instead of relying on jealousy, find another way to make the union safer,” advises Robert Leahy. For example, pay attention when your partner does something good, praise each other, refrain from criticism and sarcasm, or make a list of simple and pleasant things that would please each of you.

Take care of yourself

We must not forget about our development. Find a hobby, play a sport, or take a yoga class. Do not deprive yourself and your beloved of freedom and personal space.

Show gratitude instead of jealousy

To a certain extent, jealousy is normal in a relationship. But only as long as it strengthens them, and does not destroy them.

Anastasia Popova

It is useful to remember that besides me, a wonderful miracle, my partner has many other people in his life who can take my place. And that he or she chooses and prefers me over someone else.

A good alternative to jealousy is gratitude for choosing you, for being together. You can’t save a relationship with jealousy, but with gratitude it can work out.

Build up trust

Oleg Ivanov

Psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts.

Jealousy is usually "cured" by trust. If you do not trust your partner, be sure to talk to him about it.

He may not even guess about your feelings and not know that his behavior gives rise to them.

Accept the situation and reconsider the relationship

This applies precisely to those cases in which there are justified reasons to doubt the fidelity of a loved one.

Anastasia Popova

Jealousy can be a completely honest and normal feeling and have real reasons. Then you need not to suppress it, but to honestly see the unpleasant truth.

In this situation, it is necessary to decide what to do not with feelings of jealousy, but with relationships in general.

Learn more