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How to deal with spousal abuse


Managing a Domestic Violence Situation I Psych Central

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While it’s never easy to navigate domestic violence, you have lifelines — and you’re not alone.

Intimate partner or domestic violence is devastating for all involved — whether you’re the person experiencing it or the friend, family member, or loved one of someone who is.

This type of violence is not uncommon and affects people of all ages, races, and genders.

An estimated 10 million people a year — or 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men — are impacted by family and domestic violence in the United States.

If experiencing domestic violence and you’re considering leaving, a solid plan can be the key to helping you navigate this situation.

If you need to keep yourself safe until you can leave, there are a few ways you can try to diffuse tense moments, such as:

  • staying calm
  • setting boundaries
  • maintaining eye contact
  • refusing to emotionally engage
  • subtly moving toward an exit, public place, or a third party
  • secretly documenting everything that happened, once it’s over

What if I feel physically unsafe?

If things are escalating and you’re afraid for your physical safety, try to leave for a brief walk so your partner can cool down during that time, says Charles DeVine, MD, a psychiatrist in Brandon, Florida.

“Or, try to get to an area of the house where there are no weapons,” he adds. “When abuse occurs, if you can’t escape, get on the ground in a corner, curl up, and cover your face. This makes you a smaller physical target.”

Once the altercation is over, call 911, reach out to a loved one, or find a shelter as soon as possible. If you’re unable to leave yet, it may be time to consider planning your exit.

Quick exit

In some cases, leaving or getting to safety isn’t an option. Here are some other ways you can navigate the situation.

Forgive yourself

Remember, this isn’t your fault.

“There is nothing that you did wrong that caused this,” says Dr. Sabina Mauro, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in Yardley, Pennsylvania. “You’re not responsible for your partner causing you harm. You did not put yourself in this situation.

“The circumstances of the relationship may have changed from the beginning because of an unhealthy cycle of behaviors as a way to try to keep you locked in the relationship,” Mauro adds.

Learn about domestic violence

Domestic violence is apparent when someone physically attacks you, but there are plenty of ways domestic violence flies beneath the radar, which can make the abuse all the more confusing.

If you’re having a hard time deciding whether your experience is abuse, our screening quiz might help.

You can consider using books that you can hide if your screen activity is monitored.

“There are two books I recommend to people in this situation: ‘Codependent No More‘ by Melody Beattie and ‘Boundaries‘ by Cloud and Townsend,” says DeVine.

Plan for altercations

Until you can leave, try to put systems in place to protect you, like a code word to alert children, family members, or friends about what’s happening.

“Let trusted neighbors know your situation,” says DeVine. “Have signals that alert them to an escalating situation. For example, you can leave the garage door open when you feel you’re in danger.”

If your partner suspects you’re trying to leave, they may become more abusive, says Mauro. To leave safely, you may need to carefully plan an exit strategy.

“Build your support network so that you can use resources when you leave the relationship,” she says.

As soon as possible, try to:

  • make a list of “safe” people to talk to
  • take photos of your important documents
  • slowly remove valuables and belongings
  • give a stash of your cash to a loved one
  • make preparations for your pets
  • enlist the help of a therapist
  • review your local options

“You can also contact a local domestic violence shelter to review options,” adds Melissa Zawisza, a licensed clinical social worker in Dallas. “If you need to leave, decide where you can go. Once you’re safe and your basic needs are taken care of, you can focus on healing.”

The National Domestic Violence Hotline also has a tool to help you craft a safety plan.

When you reach safety

Once you’re out of harm’s way, try to:

  • take photos of any injuries
  • take screenshots of text messages
  • save voicemails
  • call 911 to file a police report
  • file a restraining order

Quick exit

Of the approximate 10 million people affected by domestic violence each year in the United States, about 40% do not call the police, according to research. Even fewer go to trial, though the exact number is hard to pin down.

If you do decide to call 911 for help, a police report will be filed.

From there, you can choose to press charges. Depending on where you live and how severe the incident was, the police may press charges, even if you don’t want them to.

If you press charges, the person may be convicted of a misdemeanor or felony charge, and a court date would be set. They may be ordered to pay fines, serve jail time, or participate in an intervention program.

You can learn more about domestic violence and abuse laws in your state by checking out the National Conference of State Legislators page.

If you’re reading this article, you’re already one step closer to healing.

It may be a good idea to:

  • continue to gather resources
  • learn about domestic violence
  • strengthen your community ties
  • form a solid exit plan

Domestic violence may feel like the end of the world right now, but there’s always hope for a better tomorrow. You can get through this. One step at a time.

To get support right now, you can try these resources:

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline
  • National Sexual Assault Hotline
  • National Dating Abuse Hotline
  • Pathways to Safety International
  • National Center for Victims of Crime
  • Casa de Esperanza (Spanish-speaking hotline)
  • National Indigenous Women’s Resource Center
  • Asian and Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence
  • The National Center on Violence Against Women in the Black Community
  • National LGBTQ Task Force

Domestic violence and what you can do about it | Abuse and violence

Domestic violence, or family violence, is violent, abusive or intimidating behaviour in a relationship. There are many types of domestic violence, including emotional, sexual, social, financial, spiritual and physical abuse.

If you’re dealing with domestic violence, there are a number of organisations that can offer you help and support.

What is domestic violence?

For violence to be ‘domestic’, it doesn’t have to occur within your home, only within a relationship (with a family member or an intimate partner). It occurs when someone close to you has power and control over you. This control or abuse can be expressed in different ways.

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse often goes unrecognised, but it can be very hurtful. Someone who is emotionally abusive towards you wants to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. Read more here about what emotional abuse is and where to get support for it.

Sexual abuse

The term ‘sexual abuse’ covers rape, indecent assault and a wide range of other unwanted sexual behaviours used by offenders as a way to control their victims. Read more here about the different kinds of sexual assault.

Social abuse

Social domestic violence occurs when someone insults or humiliates you in front of other people, keeps you isolated from family and friends, or controls what you do and where you go.

Financial abuse

If someone close to you controls your finances and access to money, and keeps you financially dependent on them so that you always have to ask them for money, this is a form of domestic violence.

Spiritual abuse

Spiritual domestic violence involves preventing you from having your own opinions about religion, cultural beliefs and values. It may also involve causing you to doubt your thoughts on spirituality in order to make you feel powerless. Attempting to cause shame is a large part of spiritual abuse, as is preventing people from practising their religious or cultural beliefs.

Physical abuse

If you are in a relationship where you are being hurt or threatened, it’s important to know that you don’t have to stay and you don’t have to deal with it on your own. Lots of different kinds of support are available to help you. Click here to find out more about physical abuse and where to get support.

Signs of an abusive relationship

It may not always be obvious that you’re in an abusive relationship. It can be common for someone who is being abused to believe that it’s their own fault and that they somehow ‘deserve’ the abuse. Remember: you’re never to blame for the way an abusive person treats you.

A relationship can be violent and abusive without physical violence. It can include emotional, sexual and physical abuse, and may involve control of your finances.

Here are some signs to look for.

Possessiveness

  • They check on you all the time to see where you are, what you’re doing and who you’re with.
  • They try to control where you go and who you see, and get angry if you don’t do what they say.
  • They constantly send text messages and want to know what you are doing every moment of the day.

Jealousy

  • They accuse you of being unfaithful or of flirting.
  • They isolate you from family and friends, often by behaving rudely to them.

Put-downs

  • They put you down, either publicly or privately, by attacking your intelligence, appearance, opinions, mental health or capabilities.
  • They constantly compare you unfavourably to others.
  • They blame you for all the problems in your relationship, and for their violent outbursts.
  • They say things like, ‘No one else will want you.’

Threats

  • They yell or sulk, and deliberately break things that you value.
  • They threaten to use violence against you, your family, friends or a pet.

Physical and sexual violence

  • They push, shove, hit or grab you, or make you have sex or do things you don’t want to do.
  • They harm you, your family members or your pets.

How can you keep yourself safe?

An abuser may try to control you by downplaying the seriousness of what they’re doing to you. As a result, it’s easy to underestimate the amount of danger you’re in. It’s very important to protect yourself from harm if you feel that you’re being abused. You never have to do this alone. It’s really important that you have support.

Get support

Making a decision to leave a situation where you feel unsafe may be hard and scary. If possible, talk to someone you trust, such as a friend, counsellor or youth worker.

If you need financial support, contact Centrelink. In some circumstances, they can offer you crisis payments.

Go to a refuge

A shelter or refuge is a place where you can seek temporary accommodation. They will help you with a plan for longer-term accommodation. There are also usually other services available in refuges, including legal advice, emotional support, practical help (such as food and clothing), and good security.

Stay with family or a friend

Ask a trusted family member or friend if you can stay with them while you work out what to do next.

Talk to emergency services or the police

If you’ve been injured or sexually assaulted, contact emergency services or visit your nearest hospital emergency department. You can access counselling from a sexual assault counsellor to support you through this process. If you feel unsafe, talk to the police. They’re there to protect you. You can also call state and territory support lines to talk about the risks you face.

Know your worth

If someone is hurting you, or threatening to hurt you, it can be hard to maintain your self-confidence or feelings of self-worth. You might even want to blame yourself. Remember that it’s never okay for someone to hurt you or threaten to hurt you. The best thing you can do in this situation is to get some support to help you plan a path to safety. Reconnecting with friends or family can remind you of who you are and how much other people love and care for you.

Read about your rights

Check out your legal rights at Youth Law Australia. Every state has laws designed to protect you against all forms of domestic violence.

Visit 1800RESPECT for more information on how to keep yourself safe.

Survive infidelity and stay together

213 606

Relationship crisis Man and woman

A telephone message left no room for different interpretations: “Igor, darling, I miss you!” Julia was holding her husband's mobile in her hands and did not know how to live on. It happened two years ago, when they were with the whole family in the country. She watched from the terrace as their children played in the garden, and her husband went into the house, leaving the phone on the table. Hearing the vibrating signal, Julia took it, more mechanically than out of curiosity. And so…

“I didn't feel resentment, not anger, but just pain, as if I had been hit,” she recalls. Having silently cried all night next to her sleeping husband, she decided to fight: “The youngest daughter was only two years old, and I believed that we had a strong family.” Igor did not deny: "It's true, I have an affair with a new employee, but I love you, as before." “I didn’t understand: how could he have an affair, commit adultery, if he still loves?”

35-year-old Kirill asked the same question - he and Maria had lived together for five years by the day when she admitted that she could not resist the charm of a new acquaintance whom she met at a friend's wedding. “She repeated that it was a mistake, that she only now truly understood how dear I am to her, and I didn’t want to listen to anything: she betrayed me, which means she doesn’t love me. ”

There is no single cause for infidelity. “The lack of recognition, disappointment, the struggle for power in the family, the temptation of novelty,” transactional analyst Vadim Petrovsky lists the possible options. “As well as behavior patterns adopted from parents, which are then reproduced in our family life.”

There is a difference between a single betrayal and a double life that one of the spouses leads

A deceived partner should not blame himself for what happened. “There is something that is subject to our control, and something that goes beyond our capabilities and resources,” the analyst emphasizes. “By fully taking the blame on ourselves, we can even provoke repeated betrayals by giving the other a kind of “absolution.”

Of course, there is a difference between a single betrayal and a double life led by one of the spouses. Finding out about a long-term relationship is a harder blow. But even in this case, lessons can be learned by abandoning the role of the victim that the situation itself imposes on us. Being a victim in our own eyes and believing that we have the right to behave like a victim, we can feed the behavior of the “persecutor” with this emotional energy.

“At first, the one who has been cheated on experiences severe pain, and at this time it is difficult to think and analyze,” says family psychotherapist Elena Ulitova. “But then the pain eases a little, though it doesn’t go away completely. Then it's time to think about the reasons that caused the betrayal.

Vadim Petrovsky mentions the "asymmetry of suffering", emphasizing that the leading role in the analysis of what happened belongs to the deceived partner. And the one or the one who was unfaithful should change his behavior, reassure the partner, convince him that their relationship has value.

Cheating is not something that one of the partners does to the other, it's something that happens to a couple. They intend to continue this work together. And Kirill and Maria are trying to glue the fragments, but they are not very successful.

“Not only did my self-esteem suffer, but also the trust that existed between us. Although we stayed together, it’s hard for me to forgive her, ”Kirill admits.

“And then the husband comes back…”: rules for those who cheat

“It is wrong to think that it is enough to find the guilty person, point out his guilt and make him repent so that all problems are solved,” says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. - Cheating is not something that one partner does to the other, it's something that happens to a couple. The reasons for infidelity, as well as the possibility of overcoming the crisis, should be sought in the history of the two.

At our request, the experts analyzed the stories of couples who had cheating and identified three ways to cope with “life after cheating”: some never manage to leave this episode behind, others are distracted from it without rising to a new level, and still others come out of the test transformed.

A wounded couple

Anna cheated on Timothy a year and a half ago with her ex-husband. After a year of psychotherapy, they decided that they had managed to overcome the crisis. But Anna has the impression that she is still "paying" for what she did. “If I'm five minutes late, he's already nervous. I know that he searches my pockets and, whatever we happen to argue about, reopens the topic. Half the time we live in hell." Despite everything, they remain together, although they themselves cannot explain this.

According to Vadim Petrovsky, Anna and Timofey seem to be stuck in the past, they, like many other couples, have one thing left in their lives - resentment: martyrdom or even a protector. They think not so much about reconciliation, but about confirming their status as a victim, from which some benefits follow: the sympathy of others, the pleasure of condemning the "apostate", sometimes "indulgence" for their own infidelity.

Dangerous games: rules for lovers

Hence stalking, revenge... This vicious circle is difficult to break. Adultery causes pain, which is mixed with guilt, as if the deceived partner himself was not good enough to deserve love. But if he remains in this state, he will not be able to develop within the couple. To take your part of the responsibility for what happened means to become the master of your life again.

“Responsibility frees one from guilt,” Elena Ulitova is convinced. “Because we understand that the reason for what happened is not in what we are by nature, but in what we did or, on the contrary, did not do.” Staying together is not an end in itself and is not synonymous with success. “When both partners turn a blind eye to treason, silence becomes the defining feature of the union,” says Elena Ulitova. “Under these conditions, marriage can technically survive, but family life is dying.”

How to get out of the crisis

  • Give up the role of a victim or executioner, which dictates the situation
  • Stop measuring everything by the measure of past or possible future infidelity
  • Play an active role, strengthen communication with a partner, instead of living in fear of another betrayal

A couple who survived

Marina had been living with her friend for a year, when during a business trip to Austria she met a man who “had some kind of electricity”. “I knew it wouldn’t be for long – we are from different countries, and I appreciated my friend and our common life with him,” she says. A few months later, she confessed everything to him.

“He didn't talk to me for two days. But we were invited to a family party, and he asked me to come to pretend that everything was in order. I took advantage of this to talk to him and explain that if I was going to leave, I would have already done so. It seems that I managed to calm him down, and I never felt unnecessary jealousy on his part. But this topic has become taboo for us.”

Marina and her friend are among those who managed to keep the couple together. “For some, maintaining family, social boundaries and financial stability, staying together despite infidelity, is more important than enjoying mutual desire, and this should be respected,” Elena Ulitova notes.

With such couples, she tries to find out what the relationship on the side has taught them, and takes into account their suffering: experienced by those who were cheated on and those who abandoned their new love.

“Often these couples are happy that they have found their place, found peace again and got rid of bitterness. They stay together because they like their life,” says Elena Ulitova. “But it is important that such a decision be made out of mutual desire, and not out of a feeling that we are morally obliged. Otherwise, we risk increasing the distance and losing sincerity in relationships.”

Sooner or later the couple will be involved in a situation associated with strong feelings, and then conscious control will be lost. “They avoid subtle, complex, delicate moments to maintain a semblance of well-being.” But silence does not mean forgetfulness. Lack of clarity threatens credibility.

“Relationships become more formal,” continues the psychotherapist. - Both sides are afraid to deepen them: after all, genuine experiences are hidden in the depths. If you move there, you don’t know what you will meet, and so fear arises. So, it is better not to interact on an emotional level, but to support the “I'm fine, you're fine” scenario. Such interaction can bring satisfaction, but within its framework it is impossible for the couple to develop either on an intellectual, or on a sensual, or on a parental level.

But are such couples doomed to an alienated, ritualized relationship in which genuine warmth never arises?

“Sooner or later the couple will be involved in a situation associated with strong feelings, and then conscious control will be lost,” Alexander Orlov answers this, “offenses, disappointment, suffering will break through - all feelings that for the time being were covered in silence ".

Such a "breakthrough" can lead to a final break, but can be life-saving if the two agree to an open conversation.

Start over

  • Understand what the true goals and desires of both are, not just fulfill moral or social obligations also the suffering of the one who stays in the family, refusing new love

A couple on the path of development

Daria always repeated: “If one fine day I find out that you have changed, I will pack my things at that very moment!” But when it actually happened, she not only stayed, but tried to forgive him.

“For almost half a year we discussed the reasons for his affair with our mutual friend. It was difficult for him and me, but thanks to these conversations, we really understood why we fell in love with each other and why we moved away from each other. Today I feel stronger. Before, I tried to agree with him in everything, but he almost left me. Now I have learned to express my own desires, and it seems to me that as a result, our relationship has become closer and more honest.

Using the infidelity crisis to transform and even revive broken relationships is possible, argues family therapist Inna Khamitova. This does not mean that this path will be easy.

“In the emotional storm that couples go through, it is difficult to keep the sequence: now “leave!”, then “hug!”; then “leave me alone!”, then “don’t leave me!” ... But having agreed to share responsibility for the crisis in relations, they begin to see a catalyst for change on the side of the novel, and not just betrayal.

The couple will also have to admit those feelings about which it is not customary to talk about - in particular, to accept the reality of experiencing sexual desire.

“You can treat it differently, you can consider it “bad”, moralize it, but this is a psychological fact, emphasizes Alexander Orlov. “This is what happened to one of the two and what the other will have to accept - without protest and condemnation.”

Those couples who manage to get out of this test with new strength enter into more mature relationships

But talking and understanding each other does not mean finding out all the details of the relationship. Inna Khamitova notes that excessive knowledge can be too painful and hinder reconciliation. She advises spouses not to demand a clinically accurate and inevitably painful account of what happened, but to ask what meaning he or she attaches to infidelity, what this situation can teach them.

Those couples who manage to come out of this ordeal with renewed vigor enter into more mature relationships. They accept the notion that infidelity of the body can coexist with faithfulness of the heart, and together they try to solve the problems that arise.

“This crisis can even strengthen the marriage,” Alexander Orlov believes, “and take the relationship to a new level, but there is a condition here: one forgives the other, and the latter sincerely wants to be forgiven and asks for forgiveness.” And this is not necessarily the one who cheated, this is a mutual process in which a culture of psychological contact develops, sensitivity to the needs of another.

“You can learn and practice it,” Alexander Orlov is convinced, “and this is the best way out of the crisis, as well as the prevention of infidelity. After all, what is an attentive, empathic, understanding, sincere attitude towards another person? It's an attitude of love!"

All our experts emphasize that most marriages are made at the peak of romantic, loving feelings, and if they continue to be cultivated and trained, then the relationship in a couple is strengthened and developed. And for those who doubt that the shattered relationship in a couple can be restored, they are reminiscent of the words of the playwright Bernard Shaw, who said that marriage is a series of meetings and divorces with the same person.

Get closer to each other

  • Share responsibility for damaged relationships with each other and not be afraid to look for reasons for infidelity in the couple's past
  • Be ready to hear what exactly your partner was looking for when he committed adultery. Be interested in his feelings and talk openly about yours
  • Discuss together the original "agreement" on which the life together was based, and amend it if necessary
  • Reflect on what kind of loyalty we require from a partner

Text: Elena Tyuleneva, Alina Nikolskaya Photo Source: Getty Images

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10 psychologist's advice to deceived husbands and wives

The topic of betrayal is actually much more relevant than is commonly believed. People usually do not want to talk about them, trying to survive the betrayal of their husband or wife on their own. It's so embarrassing to admit that you've been cheated on. It's like signing your own inferiority.

However, trying to keep everything to yourself is not a good idea. In this case, time does not work for the person who survived the betrayal, but rather against him. In other words, the problem can get worse over time if you do nothing at all and wait for everything to “resolve” by itself.

Pay attention! According to statistics (yes, this is also being done), women and men cheat with about the same frequency. Despite the prevailing stereotype that husbands cheat more often.

Who is more difficult to survive the pain of betrayal

Men tend to have a harder time coping with the role of "cuckold". Most of them are not prone to tantrums - screaming, sobbing and accusations are not their thing. Women, by virtue of their emotionality, endure the pain of betrayal more easily, largely due to their violent reaction.

“Blowing off steam”, a woman quickly copes with feelings and tries to live on. This is confirmed by statistical data: the female sex is experiencing divorce, betrayal and parting with less psychological trauma.

Pay attention! Modern men are more likely to seek help from psychologists. They no longer hesitate to talk about their grief.

Stages of experiencing betrayal

No.

stage

duration

Feel

one

shock, denial

2 minutes - several days

Regardless of the presence or absence of direct evidence, the search for excuses for the spouse begins. "What are you thinking, you're out of your mind." Shock makes it difficult to think clearly and believe that treason has occurred

2

Self accusations

Several hours - several days, sometimes weeks

“I’m not good enough in appearance / as a lover”, “I don’t cook well”, “I don’t know how to receive guests. ” If you fix the "flaw", then everything will work out? Useless self-digging that will not help save the relationship

3

Anger at a partner and a homeowner

Usually a few weeks (at least)

There is a "legitimate" anger at the spouse and his passion, threatening to develop into a desire for revenge. You should not do nasty things to your mistress, scandal - this will further worsen family relations

four

Hopelessness, no future

May take up to several months

All plans and ideas about the future are crumbling. There is no understanding of how to live on

5

The desire to return everything as it was

Willingness to forgive, often apparent. Trying to get back into your comfort zone by sacrificing yourself. It happens that everything really gets better, after treason comes a new "honeymoon"

6

Realization that the past cannot be returned

It is difficult for a woman to forget betrayal, she often remembers her husband's betrayal and cannot trust him again, as before.

7

emptiness

6 months approx.

The spouses are tired of pretending that everything is fine, they are exhausted physically and mentally, they begin to go with the flow. But it's not over yet

eight

denouement

6-12 months

The couple decides whether to accept the situation and stay together, or leave

Coping with cheating

First of all, you need to calm down and pull yourself together (we know this is not easy). It is necessary to find out the extent of the problem and outline a plan of action by answering yourself to 5 questions:

  1. Did you find out about the betrayal from reliable sources? Is there any evidence that the beloved really turned out to be a traitor?
  2. The guy confessed himself, did someone tell you, or did you catch the traitor red-handed?
  3. If the husband did not confess, did you tell him about your suspicions?
  4. How is he going to live on - go to another woman or stay in the family?

There are several answers to the last question:

  • the husband goes to his mistress;
  • works on 2 fronts - is not going to leave his wife and continues his relationship with his mistress;
  • experiences his betrayal, leaves his mistress, asks for forgiveness;
  • does not want to stay with either his wife or his mistress - he leaves both.

The most difficult is the second option, despite the seeming horror of the first.

To come to terms with the betrayal of her husband and continue to live with him is more difficult than to leave.

A person living on 2 fronts creates a love triangle, thereby heating up the family situation to the limit. And if he just goes to a new woman, then it’s easier to forget the traitor’s husband. Out of sight, out of mind.

The third option at first glance may seem the most profitable, but in practice it is very difficult to forgive the betrayal of a loved one and not every woman succeeds.

The fourth option, when a man goes nowhere, occurs in isolated cases. He certainly needs psychological help himself.

Emergency psychological help: how to survive betrayal

Psychologists advise to act according to the plan in order to quickly and adequately endure the pain of betrayal. Instructions for facilitating the latter include several sequential steps.

Offer to leave

Even if you don't intend to. It is important to make it clear to the traitor that you do not intend to tolerate his behavior. Say that you are ready to let him go on all four sides if he lacks something in family life.

Otherwise, your partner may subconsciously perceive your attitude as permissiveness and go for another betrayal.

Protect personal space

Ideally, you should go somewhere - not necessarily far away, at least to relatives or a friend. If there is nowhere to go, at least move your husband out or go to live in another room yourself. Push the boundaries of personal space and do not let the traitor into it at least for a while.

No antidepressants

Save the medicines as a last resort. It can help to talk with a loved one to whom you could trust your experiences. Modern psychology offers many ways to get rid of obsessive thoughts about betrayal, so you can turn to a psychologist.

Who broke, to build

If desired, the cheating husband will try to return you and make every effort to do so. Active attempts to restore relations on your part will only make things worse. But the main thing is that they significantly increase the risk of relapse.

Accept the obvious

Sooner or later, you will have to come to terms with treason, without this it is impossible to move on. If a partner prefers another to you, this is his choice, and he must be reckoned with. It is impossible to return love by persuasion or with the help of ultimatums, blackmail.

Don't blame yourself

“I spent little time with my husband”; “badly/rarely cooked”; “I stopped following fashion”, etc., - women often think so, writing down someone else's betrayal at their own expense. Men, on the other hand, can endlessly ask for forgiveness, present surprises and give gifts. It won't make your life better, quite the contrary.

You can not respond with positive actions to the negative actions of a partner. He may subconsciously feel that he is loved only when he is unfaithful. That is, the reaction is consolidated, as in the case of Pavlov's dog, when something like a reflex is formed.

How to survive a cheating wife: advice from a psychologist

Only in jokes can female adultery cause laughter: a husband returns from a business trip, and a lover is in the closet. In practice, not every man is so stress-resistant as to just laugh at the situation.

Cheating is always a psychological trauma, which is not easy for the vast majority of men to cope with. Unlike women, they cannot “cry” to a friend, it is difficult for them to tell anyone about what happened.

Example

The wife told about her betrayal herself, having come from the next corporate party. According to her, she met an old love there and could not resist. The husband could not decide for a long time what to do, because before that everything was fine. The situation seemed so difficult to him that he could not stand it and called a psychologist. Together they made a plan, talked about the problem, and the husband decided to give his wife a chance.

Look for an excuse

Nothing happens just like that, there are always reasons, including for treason. Try to look for the reason and come to some conclusion why this happened. The hike of the second half to the left is a reason to think. Thinking it over calmly, you will see that everything happened only for the best.

There is no right or wrong

Don't blame yourself or her for what happened. Guilt is destructive, it has a detrimental effect not only on relationships, but also on health.

Treason is a fait accompli and must be accepted. No need to compare yourself with the one your wife or girlfriend preferred. Tormenting yourself with such comparisons, scrolling the situation over and over again, you will not be able to return the past, the pain will not go away. Let go of guilt.

Don't make hasty decisions

Despite a strong offense, it’s still not worth chopping from the shoulder. Give yourself time to think, pause so you don't regret your choice later. It is best to think away from the traitor until you are sure of your decision.

Cheating does not mean that the relationship is over and cannot be saved.

Discuss cheating together

It is not necessary to go to friends or relatives with your trouble, you can talk with your wife and find out what motivated her. So you will quickly get an answer to the painful question of who is really to blame.

During the conversation, try not to blame anyone. If the dialogue does not add up, speak in turn, expressing your complaints to each other. In this way, many problems, sometimes quite unexpected, can be identified.

How to survive betrayal and save a family

So, your goal is to save the family, no matter what. The question of parting is not even raised. Then the step by step plan is:

  1. Be quiet. Do not talk about your partner's betrayal to anyone - mom, dad, friends, work colleagues. Because they will definitely remind you of it sooner or later, and your task is to forget it faster and faster. In addition, with your confession, you can cause not only sympathy, but also gloating. This is where advice about getting moral support won't work.
  2. The main and, perhaps, the most difficult task is to forgive. To make it easier to endure grief, especially alone, use all available methods - get distracted, work, go out with friends, play sports and meditate. If you think you can fix something in yourself - try this.
  3. Talk to your spouse, then write down everything that made him unhappy. Just write, because the usual process of thinking is not very effective. Answer the following questions:
  • What claims have I heard?
  • what exactly did the husband want, what desires were hidden behind offensive words?
  • what needs to be done to satisfy desires?

The last point is the most difficult. It is better if the partner himself says what exactly he expects from you.

Example

Sergey constantly accused Svetlana of always not being at home. “For you, work is more important than family!” he often shouted, knowing that his wife was delayed through no fault of her own. A few months later, it turned out that Sergei was cheating on Sveta with a girlfriend.

FAQ

How realistic is it to maintain a relationship after infidelity?

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This is quite feasible if the one who was cheated on behaves correctly. The injured party should not throw tantrums, take revenge on traitors, defiantly swallow sedatives and blame themselves for everything. Often in the mind of the "traitor" there is a serious reassessment of values. It is possible that feelings will flare up with renewed vigor.

When is the best time to break up?

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The desire to maintain a relationship should be mutual. If one of the couple is not ready, then it is unlikely that they will be able to save the family boat.

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