How to back away from a relationship
How To Tell If You’re Giving Too Much In A Relationship & How To Pull Back
Relationships
Plus, experts reveal exactly how to pull back.
by Kristine Fellizar
Updated:
Originally Published:
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When you’re naturally an affectionate person, you may not think twice about being thoughtful and accommodating to your partner. But being too giving in a relationship can backfire on you when you make the realization that your partner isn't doing as much for you and that it’s time to pull back.
If you don’t know whether you’re giving too much, Dr. Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist and author, tells Bustle there are two key signs to look out for. One, you feel like you’re constantly “chasing” your partner to mutually invest in the relationship. If you have to constantly push your partner to give you the emotional connection you crave, spend more time with you, or put more energy into your physical intimacy, this can potentially lead to resentment.
Another key sign to look out for is an ongoing feeling of exhaustion from relationship issues. You’re either tired of fighting with your partner over their lack of effort, or tired over being the one who carries the burden of making plans or resolving issues. “When partners invest in a relationship mutually, the overall balance offers incredible bonding power and resilience in the relationship,” Manly says.
So what can you do when your relationship is out of balance? According to experts, it's first important to acknowledge that a "balanced relationship" doesn’t always mean 50-50. As love and relationship coach, Emyrald Sinclaire, tells Bustle, "Often times one partner will give more than they receive. But on the flip side, you'll receive more than you give when you need it.
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Instead of trying to achieve a perfectly balanced partnership, you should aim for having a well-balanced life that includes your relationship. In doing so, Jane Reardon, LA-based licensed therapist and founder of RxBreakup app, tells Bustle that your relationship will be happy and healthier. "A healthy relationship doesn’t require your attention 24/7," Reardon says. There's no score-keeping or manipulating your partner to do their fair share of work. "A truly balanced partnership deals with a great deal of compromise as well as showing the willingness to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work."
If you feel like you've been giving too much, here are some expert-backed ways to back off in a relationship.
1
Take Time Each Day To Do At Least One Thing For Yourself
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Practicing self-care daily is important, whether you prefer hiking a mountain or relaxing in the tub reading a book.
It can also be something as small as taking five minutes in the morning to meditate. "The important thing here is that when you make sure you are filling your own love cup each and every day, you're keeping the scales balanced and not giving too much to your relationship," Sinclaire says. "The added bonus is that when you're treating yourself with love each and every day, it's going to be reflected out to your partner and it will actually change the way they treat you (for the better)."
2
Change Your Perspective
You may need to change your perspective of what your relationship dynamic should be. To balance it out, licensed psychotherapist, Lisa Hutchison LMHC, tells Bustle that you may need to do some self-reflection. "Ask yourself, am I a part of the solution or a part of the problem," she says. “If someone is taking too much, you are giving too much." To bring more balance into relationships, recognize the imbalance, stop contributing and instead, give more to yourself.
3
Give Your Partner The Opportunity To Show Up More
If you're someone who puts a lot of effort into your relationship, you might hope that your partner will eventually return the favor. But that doesn't always happen. "Your partner cannot read your mind," Sinclaire says. "If you really need emotional support and someone to listen to your day without trying to 'fix it,' say so! A truly balanced partnership means you are able to communicate your needs and desires so that you get them."
4
Ask For Alone Time
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Asking for space in a relationship has a tendency to make people a little nervous, but it's 100% OK to take "alone time" when you need it. "The more time a couple has to be individuals, the stronger their relationship will be together," Sinclaire says. "Nourish your individual likes and desires and you'll be amazed at how that diversity actually adds more spice to your relationship.
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5
Make Plans With Friends
While you might believe spending a lot of time together keeps you close, your partner might think you need a lot of attention. So make plans with other people, relationship therapist Caroline Madden tells Bustle. "View it as doing things for YOU versus pulling away because you give more than you get," Dr. Madden says. "Give advance notice and don’t be coy with who you are going out with and what you are doing."
6
Learn To Say No
According to Joyce Marter, LCPC, licensed psychotherapist and author, resentment is “hardened anger” that can result from having your boundaries (emotional, time, financial, or physical/intimacy limits) crossed repeatedly. If you resent your partner for not giving enough in your relationship, you may feel annoyed, frustrated, or irritated by their presence.
Learning how to say no may help to lessen these negative emotions towards your significant other.
“Many of us struggle with feeling guilt when we don’t meet the needs of others, but saying no can free you of resentment,” Marter says. “It can also stop you from enabling the other person, which will encourage them to take more responsibility for themselves and grow.”
7
Set Time Boundaries
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One way to create more balance in the relationship is to respond to their messages only when and how often that works for you. According to Marter, you can control the pace of your interactions by setting a time boundary for yourself. For example, if they call and you’re in the middle of doing something, say, “I only have 10 minutes to talk,” and stick to that.
“Make sure you are taking care of yourself first before giving to the other person,” Marter says. “This isn’t selfish, it’s essential,” and is just like securing your own oxygen mask on an airplane before assisting others. “We need to do the same in life.
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8
Acknowledge How Your Behavior May Be Affecting Your Relationship
Self-awareness is key to creating a better relationship for you and your partner. “Once you understand you are overly involved with problem solving, nurturing, involvement and why you are doing this, it is much easier to change your behavior.” Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at the Weill-Cornell School of Medicine, tells Bustle.
In addition to thinking about how your behavior is affecting you personally, think about how it’s affecting your relationship and your partner. For instance, maybe being so giving is undermining your partner’s ability to be an independent and competent person who feels good about themselves. If that’s the case, it may cause you to shift the way you help them. Instead of doing things for them, you may try being a supportive and encouraging partner from the sidelines. As Saltz says, “Sometimes less is more.”
9
Be Clear With Your Partner About What You Need From Them As You Go Along
If you don't tell your partner something is wrong as it comes up, they'll get into the habit of putting less into the relationship because you seem to be happy giving more.
Be open about what you need each day as things come up. "If you usually cook for you and your partner, but your job is keeping you late at the office, see what you can work out regarding who cooks on those nights or if your partner is going to pick up food," licensed marriage and family therapist, Heidi McBain, MA, tells Bustle. "Be clear about the areas you’re struggling with and what you specifically need from them."
10
Create An Affirmation
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Giving too much in a relationship can stem from feeling like you’re not good enough. “These thoughts cause us to focus on trying to be enough for the other person, always doing more, so they will pick you,” Kathryn Ely, associate licensed counselor, tells Bustle.
To let go of the thought that you’re not enough, relationship expert, Rachel Kove, suggests creating an affirmation. It can be as simple as, “I am enough” or “My partner loves me just the way I am.” Whenever you feel anxious about needing to go out of your way for your partner, just take a moment to pause.
How To Address Pulling Back In Your Relationship With Your Partner
Before you start consciously backing off, it’s not a bad idea to talk to your partner about it so you’re on the same page. When you have this conversation, be sure that you’re talking about how you feel and the root of why you’re feeling it. You don’t want to accidentally project your feelings onto your partner, clinical psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, tells Bustle.
“This is important because there is a transactional nature among the minds of some gift-givers, where the provision of the ‘gift’ (i.e. being of service, providing emotional support, etc.) means that the other person must provide something in return,” Romanoff says. “When the other partner does not agree to this tacit arrangement set up by the gift giver, it can lead to resentment and bitterness.”
When you talk to your partner about making the relationship more balanced, explain about why having a more equal relationship is important to you.
For instance, if you want your partner to put more effort into texting, say that hearing from them throughout the day makes you feel happy or more secure in the relationship. According to Romanoff, take this time to explain what certain behaviors symbolizes to you.
While you can’t change a partner’s behavior, especially if they’re not taking the relationship seriously, you can do your part — through repeating mantras, communicating your needs, or setting boundaries — to foster a more balanced relationship.
Sources
Emyrald Sinclaire, love and relationship coach
Jane Reardon, LA-based licensed therapist and founder of RxBreakup app
Lisa Hutchison LMHC, licensed psychotherapist
Caroline Madden, relationship therapist
Heidi McBain, MA, licensed marriage and family therapist
Joyce Marter, LCPC, licensed psychotherapist and author
Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at the Weill-Cornell School of medicine and host of the How Can I Help? podcast
Dr.
Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist and author of upcoming book, Date Smart
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, clinical psychologist at Lenox Hill in New York City
Angela Ficken, psychotherapist
This article was originally published on
19 Ways to Pull Back in a Relationship When You're Giving Too Much
Romance isn’t always easy, and sometimes you don’t get what you need from your partner. So, you might need to learn how to pull back in a relationship.
So, of all the studies that they have done about the success, or lack thereof, of relationships, one proven favorite is the theory of equity. In essence, it is that a relationship is most successful if each partner feels as if they receive their fair share. If you find you give more than receive, you might be wondering how to pull back in a relationship.
There are all sorts of reasons, in addition to the theory of equity, why you would want to take a step back to give you both air to breathe.
But, ignoring what your heart tells you by pulling your emotions back is usually easier said than done.
The problem is that if you feel inequity, they probably do too. The last thing you want to do is to either invest way more than you should or overwhelm them to the point where you lose them.
[Read: Putting too much effort into a relationship – Where to draw the line]
Reasons you should pull back in a relationship
It may seem strange to pull back when you are in a relationship and in love with someone, because you should be coming together, right? That’s true. A relationship should be two people who are constantly trying new ways to bond with one another. But that doesn’t always happen.
When that’s the case, it would not only be appropriate, but healthy, to pull back in a relationship. Here are some reasons you should pull back in a relationship. [Read: How to stop fighting in a relationship & 16 steps to really talk]
1. They are not treating you with respect
Every human being on the planet deserves to be treated with respect.
And if your partner is calling you bad names, yelling, fighting, gaslighting, or physically abusing you, then you are definitely not being treated with respect!
If this is the case, you should really just end the relationship. But if you’re not ready to do that just yet, you should at least pull back.
You should love yourself enough to say “NO!” to your partner. Stand your ground and demand to be treated with respect. And if that can’t be accomplished by talking it through calmly, then it might be time to pull back. [Read: 16 reasons why you’re always being taken for granted]
2. They are being selfish
Some people are just naturally selfish, but that doesn’t mean you need to put up with their selfishness. Some people are too selfless, and that shouldn’t be you! [Read: How to stop being codependent: 17 steps to finding yourself again]
Ideally, there should be a balance of selfishness and selflessness in BOTH people. You shouldn’t ONLY care about yourself and your needs.
But you also shouldn’t ONLY care about your partner and their needs while sacrificing your own. There needs to be a balance.
So, if you find that you are too selfless, and that your partner is too selfish, then it is time to pull back. Teach them a lesson – that you will not put up with it anymore. When it is unbalanced like this, it is time to pull back in a relationship to see if balance can be restored. [Read: 15 signs of a taker in a relationship – Are you a giver or a taker?]
3. They don’t appreciate you
Sadly, most people don’t express appreciation to their partner very often. In fact, some don’t even do it at all. This can be toxic. It is important that both people in a relationship show the other their appreciation on a regular basis.
Think about it – if you do something nice for someone and don’t even get a simple “thank you,” then doesn’t it make you feel resentful? If you cook dinner every night, but never, ever get any appreciation, then you are being used.
You should be appreciated even for the “little things” you do all the time.
So, if your partner is taking you for granted and thinks you should just cater to their every need, then it is time to pull back in the relationship. [Read: Healthy relationship boundaries – how to talk about them and set them]
4. They are neglecting you
Many people associate abuse with a negative or toxic relationship. But being neglected by your partner can also be a reason you should sit back and re-think everything your partner is doing to you.
If they are not communicating with you, avoiding you, playing video games 24/7, only hanging out with their friends *and not you*, or not giving you love and affection, then this is considered neglect.
Neglect isn’t as bad as physical abuse necessarily, but it is a form of emotional abuse. Neglecting your partner is withholding the very needs and desires that they have – to be in a loving relationship. And neglect is not part of a loving relationship.
[Read: 18 foundations of a relationship that separate the good and the bad]
How to pull back in a relationship and create some distance
If you want to know how to pull back in a relationship, it is all about finding the inner you. After all, a relationship is an addition to YOU, not the definition of you.
So, when in one, always maintain a good sense of self and not get lost in the mix. Distancing yourself, although sounding hard and somewhat foreign, can sometimes be the catalyst not only to save your relationship, but also to save you. [Read: 17 most important things in a relationship that hold it together]
1. Think with your head, not your heart
One of the hardest things to do is to take the emotion out of something. But, if you want to pull back in a relationship, then separate your emotions and think about each situation rationally. Instead of chasing them when they blow you off, blow them off right back.
If you stop reaching out to them with desperation and put things into practical terms, then you make a lot better decisions.
Before you take action, ask yourself what you want to happen and how you would handle someone else who treated you the way your partner does.
If there wasn’t so much emotion and history wrapped up, would you behave the same way? Talk through your actions in your head and ask your heart to take a back seat for a while.[Read: The most common relationship problems and quick ways to fix them]
2. Do what you love often
If you want to back off in a relationship, then find the things that you love to do and let them distract you. If you are too wound up in a union, it is easy to make it the center point of your life.
It creates a whole lot of drama that doesn’t need to be. Just for one day, do what you love and don’t give any thought to your significant other.
If you make it through one day, then try for two. You will be amazed at how happy you make yourself when you stop trying to make someone else responsible for your happiness. [Read: How to be emotionally independent and stop relying on others for your happiness]
3.
Call your partner in crimeIf you want to pull back, then call your partner in crime to take some time off. We all have that one friend who never gets tired of hearing us bitch and also gets us out of bitch mode to have some fun.
The best way to pull back and discover if your relationship is really what you want is to remember what it is like to have fun without the person who makes your life so complex right now. [Read: Partner in crime – 31 signs you have this friend in your life]
4. Stay busy
The best way to stop obsessing about a relationship that isn’t going exactly as you want is to find something else to occupy your time. Move over thoughts and anxiety surrounding your relationship.
If you find yourself making a mountain out of a molehill, worrying too much about where you stand, where you are going, or what is going on, distract yourself by finding something to do to take your mind off of it.
Distraction is the best medicine. Get lost in a book, hit the gym, or just catch dinner with a friend.
There is always safety in numbers when you look to find some distance in a relationship.
5. Focus on you by making a goal
If you want to know how to pull back in a relationship and create distance, then find a goal to focus on. Instead of focusing on a relationship that creates anxiety for you, find something else to throw all that wasted energy into.
If you have a goal in mind and are determined to meet it, then whatever goes on in your relationship seems minuscule and a huge waste of time.
Keep your eyes on the prize and let your relationship issues work themselves through instead of trying to control them yourself. [Read: How to focus on yourself and 27 ways to create your own sunshine]
6. Sit back and let them come to you
If you are always the one looking for answers, chasing them, or wanting more, then it is time to take a back seat. Sometimes the hardest thing is drawing a line in the sand and keeping it.
We always find reasons to cross back over and let them take control.
But, if you really want to pull back and create distance, then set boundaries for yourself and for them. Let them pursue you for once while you focus on staying strong. [Read: 20 hints to make your partner realize they’re losing you]
7. Set up obstacles to obsession
If you know you have a hard time with self-control, then make sure to set up obstacles that prevent you from putting too much of yourself or your angst into your communication with them.
Blocking them on your cell phone when highly emotional or out drinking is a great way to ensure that you don’t overreact and end up undoing any distance that you put between the two of you when you had your rational mind and head on straight.
There are going to be times when knowing how to pull back in a relationship will be easy, like when you aren’t upset. But, other times when you are lonely or missing them, it will be much tougher, which is why a safety net is an excellent insurance policy. [Read: Why you feel lonely in a relationship and what to do about it]
Stop stalking their social media.
If you want to pull back in your relationship, the first place to start is to disconnect from their social media plug.
9. Have a “safe” friend to guide you
If you know that you have moments of weakness where you will run back, even when trying to pull back, have that one friend who talks some sense into you before you make the mistake of undoing all the progress you achieved.
10. Talk about them with someone you love instead of badgering them to talk to you
If they are unwilling to talk about what is going on, stop trying to insert yourself into their drama and talk it through with someone else that you love and trust. If you need to pull back, you also don’t have to explain why.
A friend is going to be your best ally and your partner your worst enemy when you feel the need to explain your need to pull back. You don’t owe your partner an explanation, and that energy is much better spent talking it over with someone who is on your side. [Read: 16 signs it’s time to move on and end the relationship]
11.
Go back to the person you were before you met themWe have a tendency to lose ourselves in relationships that either overwhelm or hurt us or are just too intense. Try to remember the person you were before the relationship.
If finding the strength is difficult, find the inner you before they entered the scene. And, what you will find is that you had a life before. If you choose, you can have a life after, but you need to pull back to get your answers. [Read: How to be independent even when you’re in a relationship]
12. Kind of make it a shit test
A shit test is something that you put someone through to see how much they will do for you.
If you want to know how to pull back in a relationship, and find out how much someone cares for you then, really pulling back, is the only way to make them truly think about how much you mean to them and what they need. [Read: What is a shit test, and how people use them]
13. Figure out if you are better off with them or without them
Convince yourself that pulling back to take some time is the only way that you’ll find if they are the one for you, or if they are the one making you unhappy.
If you don’t take the time now to pull back and find out what is going on, you can easily get swept up. Convince yourself that it is only a break and for a while. Most importantly, convince yourself that it is a necessary thing to do for your own emotional wellbeing. [Read: Relationship break – 17 rules to taking a break and how to plan for it]
14. Stop letting them control your feelings and emotions
If you have a hard time pulling away but know that you should, then it might be the case that your partner controls you with their behavior.
If you know in your heart that something isn’t right and you need to pull back to gain some perspective, don’t let them emotionally blackmail you or use other forms of abuse to keep you in close when it hurts you. [Read: How to know if your relationship is toxic so you can get out fast]
15. Find out what you need to make yourself secure and do it
The only way that someone pulls back is if they have the security and the self-esteem to know that if they pull back and lose the relationship, it wasn’t right from the start.
Find the strength within yourself to know that you can stand on your own two feet if you lose them. After all, if you don’t pull back, then you just might end up in a relationship that isn’t healthy, or on the other end, losing someone you held onto too tightly.
Whether you want to distance yourself in your relationship because you think you are more into it than they are, or just because you generally have a feeling that something isn’t right and they are using you, it is time to take the time to figure things out.
Sometimes we get so deep into our relationships and obsessed with making it work that we can’t see that they aren’t working for us.
[Read: How to know if you should break up – 22 signs that can clearly guide you]
The only way to truly figure out if your current relationship is what you want or what you need, requires taking a step back and distance yourself. Follow these steps for how to pull back in a relationship and help both you and your partner.
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Rejection of relationships: if you do not need a serious relationship
Modern society is full of self-sufficient people who do not need a serious relationship.
Many women who have gone through a divorce from their spouse do not strive to create a new unit of society, fearing an unhappy life in a new marriage. In extreme cases, they refuse relationships because of their unwillingness to please and please, wash and cook "some kind of guy." Men do not lag behind, in whom the rejection of relationships sometimes develops into some kind of mania. There are representatives of the stronger sex who represent all girls and women as exclusively greedy and hypocritical personalities (“they only need money”, “do not expect anything good from women”). As a result, there are wealthy, smart, skillful people who tend to meet with representatives of the opposite sex “without obligations”.
The main explanation here is “it's easier this way”. Why it happens? nine0003
Where does the reluctance to have a relationship come from?
Most often, the reason for refusing to find a partner and further a happy marriage is unsuccessful relationships with former spouses or lovers.
It is not surprising that, having experienced, for example, the betrayal of her husband, a woman will not trust all the representatives of the stronger sex in the future. A man who has suffered in a relationship from his chosen one (tantrums, constant suspicions, reproaches, etc.) will not be eager to build a family again and plunge into the old relationship model. On the contrary, he will begin to suspect every passing woman of the same sins that his wife had. nine0003
But no matter how whole and happy a person is alone, he will need a more or less close relationship with another person. Even those who say that they do not need a serious relationship would hardly refuse an ideal (according to their parameters) partner.
A person, of course, can exist without love, build a career and work to achieve personal goals. And it's wonderful! However, the emptiness in the sphere of personal relationships will still make itself felt sooner or later. To understand how to build relationships correctly, you should start painstaking work on yourself. nine0003
Rejection of relationships or correct behavior in new ones?
If you realize that living for yourself is normal, and now you do not intend to enter into a serious relationship, but “someday later” you don’t mind taking up the issue, start small now. Below you will find a number of recommendations that allow you to create strong, healthy bonds between people.
It is not necessary to consider each new partner as a contender for your hand and heart. Just chat and have fun. nine0003
These tips will help you stay calm and build healthy interpersonal relationships between two people who like each other. You will be able to abandon those patterns of behavior that inevitably lead you to frustration, disappointment and neurosis.
Stop comparing your new partner with the previous one
If your ex cheated on you, you should not suspect the entire male population of the country of infidelity. If some kind of sweetheart was distinguished by a scandalous character, it is not necessary to see in every woman a person with an unstable psyche. And you should not compare past relationships with the present. Even if there was a bad experience in past relationships, take advantage of it. Bad relationships harden any person. nine0003
Don't lose yourself
This advice is especially valuable for women. Dissolving in a partner, giving up your desires, you will soon again be left with a broken heart. You can love, be near, participate in the fate of the chosen one, but you don’t need to become his shadow. From the very beginning of a relationship, set clear boundaries for what is permitted, do not allow your desires to be pushed into the background.
Do not expect the impossible from a new partner
Accept that every living person has his own shortcomings.
Do not try to demand everything from a new chosen one or chosen one at once. Don't try to "fit" it to you. It is clear that ideally we all want to be close to a kind, intelligent, attractive, attentive and generous partner. But we do not live in a fairy tale. Therefore, do not try to discern in the person you like those features that he does not have. In addition, remember that the chosen one does not have to be the same in character as you. For example, you are very emotional, but you should not expect frenzied passions from your partner, if by nature he is a secretive and withdrawn person. nine0003
Do not expect him to be ready to solve all your problems
There are couples where one of the spouses is constantly responsible for the other. Remember that your problems are not always the problems of your new lover. Do not be offended if the chosen one (or chosen one) does not want, for example, to listen to complaints about colleagues for hours. Understand correctly if a loved one does not want to go to visit your relatives who treat him negatively.
Learn to discuss all the exciting problems calmly
Shouts, reproaches, and even more silence will not lead to successful development of relations. Respect both yourself and your partner. Rolling into tantrums, you definitely will not come to anything good. Silence in a couple is also unacceptable. It’s better to say what exactly worries you, try to figure out together how to resolve the situation. Learn to compromise. It is not difficult if you realize that in front of you is “the same” person. By the way, this realization often comes “like snow on the head”.
Respect your partner
It happens that after suffering in previous relationships, people say: “Now I will be smarter!”. And they seem to test the strength of the new chosen one (they can be rude, secretly go to the side, deceive, etc.). There is no mention of any respect. The “I” position comes to the fore. This is a failed method. Your relationship is not a competition, and a partner is not a way to prove to someone in the past that you are better.
Be prepared to treat the new person in your life as equal and worthy.
Don't try to be something you're not.
If sentimentality is alien to you, don't shed insincere tears. If you do not share the hobbies of the new chosen one, do not lie that you will consider it your happiness to attend football matches with him. Do not invent something that has not been in your life. Fables about education, rich and famous relatives, huge inheritances, and others from the same category are quickly revealed.
Learn to feel a loved one
It is not enough just to listen, you need to hear and understand when he (or she) feels bad, when help and support is needed. Feel free to ask how you can help in a particular situation. One person, for example, needs to be simply listened to. Someone needs affection, kind words. And for someone, the silent presence of a person nearby is simply necessary.
Be grateful
Even if it is not always possible to avoid conflict, still try to remember all the good things that your chosen one (or chosen one) did towards you.
Do not harbor resentment and anger, it is better to remember the good. In the end, after a quarrel, you are driven by momentary emotions, fueled by your past grievances (perhaps even against another person). But are you ready to momentarily give up all the good that binds you? nine0003
Do not dwell only on relationships
There are many interesting things in life, much more than communication with one person: meetings with relatives and friends, success at work, travel, interesting pastime. Do not deprive yourself of small joys by spending every minute working to build a strong bond with a potential spouse.
Mistakes that interfere with new relationships
Rejection of relationships is often dictated by unwillingness to change something in oneself. Agree, it is always easier to blame someone than to admit you were wrong. Pay attention to exactly what mistakes can destroy feelings already on the verge of their formation:
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Expecting too much from a partner.
As mentioned above, your chosen one is a person with his own weaknesses. You shouldn't compare him to anyone. If you are good together, do not look for flaws. Surely there are some of your “features” and troubles will still give odds to his oddities. So forgive the imperfection of your neighbor.
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The desire to reshape a partner and blackmail.
Phrases like “If you don’t buy me the thing I want, I won’t cook”, “If your mother comes to us again, then I will leave home” or “If you don’t lose weight, then we will not have intimacy” can sound from the lips of a not quite mature person. You have the right to ask for something, but you should not demand and set conditions. He does not agree, but you cannot put up with it - leave. nine0003
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Attempts to "crush" the chosen one (or the chosen one) for themselves.
Even if your character is like steel, you should not make your partner your slave. Crushing authority, you will not build a strong relationship.
Respect your dear person, even if he is soft and easy-going. And don't turn into a "mommy" who is used to solving all the problems of her "child". -
Allowing you to be dominated.
Sometimes, in order to please, we try to remain silent somewhere, swallow the insult, pretend that we didn’t understand something, didn’t hear it. Such behavior greatly underestimates self-esteem, in addition, there is a risk of losing the respect of a partner (“She (they) can easily twist”). Appreciate yourself if you are thinking about how to build relationships correctly. Immediately set boundaries that should not be crossed. Don't let me raise my voice at you. Or don’t jokingly make offensive jokes about your shortcomings (short stature, sparse hair, a couple of extra kilos, etc.). nine0003
Be wise, be forgiving, talk about your feelings, don't gloss over problems, love yourself and don't lose your zest for life. Appreciate those relationships that bring you satisfaction, even if your loved one is far from ideal.
Do not let the loner syndrome take you in turn: refusing relationships to avoid difficulties with a partner, you still doom yourself to problems later. Only of a psychological nature.
Don't let yourself be convinced that a life of loneliness is worse than a life where you pretend to be someone else, ignoring your discomfort...
Relationships
Author Kluber For reading 3 min. Views 854
Should you hold on to a relationship that makes you feel miserable and lonely? If you want to try to make it work, that's fine, but be realistic. You must learn to understand when your work does not bring results, when your partner refuses to work on a relationship, and when this relationship is simply doomed. nine0003
It is better to say goodbye to the wrong person right away than to give up your standards, morals and dreams of a happy future.
You should not stay with him in the hope that he will come to his senses and begin to treat you well. Better look at how he treats you right now.
Remember, no one will blame you for ending a toxic relationship. You hardly want to deprive yourself of the opportunity to find someone who will try his best for you. Be with the one who awakens only the best in you, and does not make you cry at night and scream during the next quarrel. nine0003
It is better to give up a relationship than to give up on yourself. Don't be fooled into thinking that you won't be able to find someone else who will love you as much as your real partner. Do not convince yourself that this was your only chance to meet your love, and that if you leave now, you will be alone forever. Don't let yourself be convinced that a life of loneliness is worse than a life where you pretend to be someone else, ignoring your discomfort in order to keep the peace.
Don't blame yourself for ending a toxic relationship.
