How long do people date before moving in together
When Should We Move in Together?
Deciding to move in together is a big step, so with a checklist at hand, you can assess just how ready you are.
Every couple has its own milestones. One of the biggest is the decision to order that moving truck and co-create a shared living space.
Should you move in together? There’s a lot to factor in and no one-size-fits-all timeline. But there are several signs that might indicate that you’re ready.
This question is very individual to each couple, says Kim Egel, a marriage and family therapist in Cardiff, California.
“However, if you think of a new relationship as a life transition, then you can give the relationship at least 1 year to wait to make the leap to cohabitate,” she says.
How long do most couples date before living together?
“Same gender couples, on average, move in together within 6 months. For all other couples, it seems to be on average about 2 years,” says Dr. Brenda Wade, a psychologist in San Francisco, California.
Research from 2017 found that from 2011–2015, 70% of marriages among women under 36 years old started with at least 3 years of cohabitation before marriage.
Signs you’re both ready to move in together
It’s not a matter of when you should live together but why, says Wade.
“Sit down and ask yourselves why you want to live together,” she says. “The secret ingredient is being clear, which means don’t try to figure out things after you move in together. Figure it out before.”
You may be ready to move in together if you’re on the same wavelength about:
- cleaning
- finances
- schedules
- alone time
- communication
- your future as a couple
- how to set up your living spaces
It can also help to be open about what it’s like to live with a certain mental health condition, so you both know how best to support each other.
Here are some guides to living with and dating people who have:
- ADHD
- anxiety
- bipolar disorder
- narcissistic traits
Love is a start, but it’s not everything.
There’s a lot more that goes into a couple moving in together.
1. You’re used to each other
If you’re already spending most of your nights together, and have successfully weathered disagreements, meeting each other’s families, and relationship hardships, you might consider these solid steps toward cohabitating.
2. You’ve talked about finances
Will rent be split down the middle, or proportional to how much you earn? What expenses will be shared or separate? It’s a good idea to get on the same page about this before you sign on the dotted line.
3. You have a game plan for chores
The dishwasher isn’t going to unload itself, sadly. While you may have some idea of each other’s habits, consider discussing how you’ll divvy up cleaning and how much mess is OK with each of you.
4. You’re setting boundaries
Will phones be allowed in the bedroom? Is there a pet in your future?
You might take time to co-create a vision for your sacred space that makes sense for both of you, while setting healthy boundaries from the get-go.
5. You’ve learned to argue in a healthy way
If you can successfully overcome disagreements, communicate effectively, and listen to your partner, you’ll have a better chance of success in a shared space.
6. You can be yourself
“When you start dating someone, you may feel obligated to keep all of your typical, but occasionally humiliating behaviors… hidden from them,” says Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, a psychologist in Chicago, Illinois.
“It may be time to live together if you’ve grown so comfortable that you’re not holding in gas or pretending to be a more delicate eater than you are,” Lombardo adds.
7. You feel excited
It’s natural to have mixed emotions about a big milestone. But, ideally, you’ll feel more excited than nervous about this upcoming transition.
If you feel dread, anxiety, or pressure to move, pump the brakes until you can sort out your feelings.
It’s helpful to understand that anxiety and depression can affect decision-making.
Egel says that if you’re feeling unsure, you should have more intimate conversations around the future.
“Factor in important topics such as want for a family, finances, and emotional readiness,” she says. “These are topics that can help deepen a connection, or show where there is work and a conversation to be had.”
If you need support, a relationship coach or a couple’s therapist can help you navigate challenges and improve communication.
There’s no perfect how-to list on dating, moving in together, and marriage, so there’s no “right time” for everyone.
When to move in together is a decision you’ll have to make as a couple.
Before you make the big decision, it can help to take an honest inventory of your relationship, finances, and vision for the future. If you need more support or are feeling pressured, consider reaching out to a professional who can help.
How Soon Is Too Soon to Move In Together? 15 Signs You're Ready
You’re in love, ready for the next step, and thinking about when to move in together.
But doubts are creeping in, and you’re probably wondering, “Is it too soon to move in together?”
You don’t want to rush into this level of commitment if the timing isn’t right or you haven’t done your due diligence.
So when is a good time to move in together?
To help you make the best decision, we’re breaking down the ins and outs of cohabitation.
How long should you wait?
What are the red flags?
How will you know when it’s time?
Let’s dive in!
[Side note: In this online course, learn healthy communication skills and build the intimacy you’ve always wanted in your relationship.)
What’s In This Post:
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How Long Should You Date Before Moving in Together?
If you’ve landed here, you’re probably grappling with a couple of questions: “When should I move in with my boyfriend?” or “How soon is too soon to move in together?”.
Conventional wisdom advises couples to wait at least a year before cohabitating, but experts insist two years is the magic number.
Ideals, however, don’t always align with the actual stats.
According to Dr. Brenda Wade, “same-gender couples, on average, move in together within 6 months. For all other couples, it seems to be on average about 2 years.”
Interestingly, Americans like to move in together before getting married. According to one study, 70% of marriages where the woman was under 36 when she got hitched started with at least three years of pre-wedding cohabitation.
How Soon Is Too Soon to Move In Together? 15 Red Flags The Timing Is Not Right
The experts give general advice, but most agree that relationships go through different phases.
“The honeymoon phase is a temporary period in a relationship where both partners are on their best behavior, communicating well, and giving each other the benefit of the doubt,” explains relationship expert Dr.
Gary Brown.
But the honeymoon phase is just that, a phase, and couples might want to consider waiting to move in together until the honeymoon period has passed.
Eventually, reality sets in, and conflicts and challenges arise that couples need to work through together to deepen trust and intimacy.
However, some people move in together within a month and stay together for the rest of their lives.
Others wait a decade to move in together and separate within six months of a cohabitation experiment.
So what about you? Where does your relationship fall on the scale?
Since every relationship moves at its own pace, using benchmarks is a logical way to determine when to move in together.
To that end, let’s start with the cohabitation red flags.
1. You Avoid Discussing Money
If you’re not at a point where you’re comfortable discussing and mingling finances, the relationship is likely not yet strong enough to survive cohabitation.
You’ll be sharing bills and need to trust each other monetarily.
2. You’re Navigating Major Life Changes
Life is like a white-water rafting trip. Sometimes, it’s calm, smooth floating; other times, you’re battling raging rapids.
And when you’re navigating a rough patch, it’s usually best not to make significant changes. Wait until you once again reach serene waters to change your living arrangements.
3. You’re in the Early Stages of Recovery
Congrats! You’re clean and sober and feeling great. But you shouldn’t be making huge commitments during your first two years of sobriety — regardless of what plan you’re following. Give yourself time to get to know the new you.
4. You and Your Partner Constantly Argue
If you constantly argue while living apart, moving in together will be a zillion times worse. Sometimes we end up dating people who are ultimately wrong for us, and frequent fighting is not an encouraging sign.
5. You Have Yet To Play House
It’s a good idea to “play house” before officially moving in together.
Spend a month at one of your places. How does it go?
Are you itching to have your own space after three days? A trial run will give you a clear idea of the relationship’s health.
6. You Can’t Support Yourself
Times are tough, and cutting expenses in half may sound like a good idea. But think thrice before making this leap for this reason.
If it doesn’t work out, you could be stuck between a rock and a hard place, owing more money than you would have.
7. You’re Being Pressured
It’s your life. Don’t let peer pressure — or any type of pressure — back you into a cohabitation corner. If you enjoy having your own place, keep it! Take Virginia Wolfe’s advice and maintain “a room of one’s own.”
8. You’re Not In Love
Are you in love or settling because everyone around you is pairing off, moving in, and getting married? It can be frustrating.
It may feel like you’re being left behind. But remember that each life unravels differently.
It’s better to be true to yourself than keep up with the proverbial Joneses.
9. You Hate Each Other’s Friends
Although it’s unromantic to think about, successful relationships take more than just love. There must be a sense of camaraderie — not with just each other, but with each other’s friends.
That doesn’t mean you have to love every single person he hangs with, but you shouldn’t hate when he has the gang over either. And the same goes for your crew.
10. Your Life Goals Are Completely Different
You want to live off-grid and grow your own food. He wants to be a Wall Street tycoon who aspires to one-day have a butler. How you ended up together, nobody knows.
For a while, it’s fun. It’s your “opposites attract” phase.
But in the long run, relationships like this rarely stand the test of time. If you’re too different, living together will likely sour quickly.
11. Your Eating Habits Are Diametrically Opposed
You’re a committed kosher vegan; the only two food groups he consumes are milk and dairy.
This is another scenario with terrible odds. It’s challenging to live with someone whose lifestyle is diametrically opposed to your own. And when cohabitating, food becomes a huge deal.
12. You Still Pretend To Be Perfect
Learning to acknowledge your faults is a big part of growing up. If you’re still at a point where you blame others for your misdeeds — or project your insecurities onto friends and family — you’re probably not ready to cohabitate with a lover.
13. Lack of Trust Is Motivating Your Decision
It’s a cliche, but it’s true: changing a zebra’s stripes is impossible. If you’re dating a dog, you can’t force him to be faithful.
So if the only reason you’re moving in with him is to keep him from cheating, prepare to have your heart crushed.
14. You Don’t Know How To Compromise
Be honest: Are you a princess? Do you freak out if things don’t go your way? Is your partner willing to accommodate your every whim? If not, maybe you’re not yet ready to move in with someone.
15. Your Gut Says “No”
Sometimes, your gut knows you better than your brain. If it’s telling you to slow down and hold off, listen.
There’s a reason you’re not enthusiastic. Figure that out before advancing the relationship.
When Should A Couple Move In Together? 15 Signs You’re Both Ready
We’ve discussed the red flags to consider before deciding whether to move in with your partner.
Now, let’s take a glass-half-full approach and explore 15 signs that you’re both ready to cohabitate.
1. You Basically Live Together Already
Do you pretty much live together already? If it’s been many moons since you’ve stayed apart, and you’re getting along fine, it’s probably safe to consolidate.
2. You’re Both on the Same Page About the Relationship
Have you talked about where you both see the relationship headed? Are you on the same page? If you’re not mature or committed enough to talk about a future with each other, moving in together may not be the wisest step.
But if you’re walking in the same direction toward something serious, then cohabitating may make the most sense.
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3. You’re Financially Ready
Money matters when you live with your lover. Are you ready to pay your way? Do you have debt that could affect your arrangement? Have you told your partner about it?
If you can’t support yourself, moving in with another person may not be a good idea. First, get on your own two feet. The process is a lot more enjoyable if you are.
At the very least, make sure you’re open and honest about your fiscal situation with your partner. If they plan to support you, get it in writing.
4. You’re Financially Communicative
You must be open about your base financial situation, but you also should be willing to communicate about money continually and effectively.
Hidden purchases and expenses always eventually erupt.
But if you’re open and honest with your partner, and feel comfortable with their financial health, pat yourself on the back. You’re adult enough to take it to the next level.
5. You Know How To Communicate With Each Other
Can you easily bring up difficult topics with your significant other? Do you know how to disagree without immediately blowing up?
Can you tell when the other person needs space? You’re probably ready to cohabitate if you can confidently answer all these questions with a “yes.”
6. Saving Money Isn’t Your Only Motivation
It’s not just about saving money. Instead, you two are ready to elevate the partnership to the next level.
7. You’re Supportive of Each Other’s Goals
Is the relationship lopsided? Does one of you put more effort into the relationship? If you have each other’s back, then you’ve checked off another cohabitation requirement.
8. You’re Comfortable With How To Split the Rent
You’ve talked about how you’ll split the rent, and you’re both 100% comfortable with the agreement.
It’s also wise to discuss a backup plan if one of you cannot fulfill your end one month.
9. You Can Deal With the Other Person’s Mess
Sure, it may annoy you sometimes, but your partner’s messes don’t send you over the edge — and vice versa. What about chores? Have you decided how to split them up? If you’ve covered all these bases, you’re probably ready to share a roof.
10. You’ve Successfully Taken a Long Trip Together
Many relationship therapists suggest taking a long trip together. It’s a great way to gauge how you’ll react when forced to be with the other person all the time.
If you’ve done it and enjoyed the closeness, that’s one more clue that you may be ready to live together.
11. You’re Not Hiding Major Secrets
If you’re still keeping major secrets from your significant other, it’s wise to reevaluate the relationship. Why don’t you feel comfortable telling them certain things?
However, if you can share your deepest, darkest secrets with your partner, it’s a sign that you’re ready to cohabitate.
12. You’ve Survived a Huge Fight
Couples that always fight usually don’t survive — but neither do couples that bottle up their feelings.
If you’re thinking about moving in together, you should have at least one major fight under your belt. Living together can be tricky, and you need to have experience working your way through conflicts.
13. You Feel the Same Way About Pets
Pets can make or break a relationship — so talk about them before moving in together. Are you on the same page in terms of four-paw family members?
Do you agree on the cats, dogs, birds, hamsters, or reptiles question if you’re both pro-pet?
If you both have the same attitude toward non-human “children,” that bodes well for taking the next step toward cohabitation.
14. You’re Secure Enough To Talk “Worst Case Scenarios”
You’re not ready to cohabitate if you’re uncomfortable talking through “what ifs” — including “what if we break up.” Always have a contingency plan.
Life is unpredictable.
15. Your Gut Says “Yes”
Consult your gut. As we mentioned above, it’s a capable radar. Trust it if it’s signaling that all systems are ready for liftoff! But even so, put your head and heart above your gut on this decision.
Sometimes you can mistake a romantic notion for intuition.
FAQs About Moving In Together
Is three months too soon to move in together?
Most relationship experts advise couples to wait at least a year before moving in together.
But that doesn’t mean people who cohabitate after only three months won’t last. However, folks who wait a bit longer have a better track record.
Is seven months too soon to move in together?
Seven months is enough time for some couples to know if they want to cohabitate. However, most marriage counselors recommend waiting at least one year. That said, if you can check off certain relationship milestones, you may be ready.
How To Know if You Moved in Together Too Soon?
You took the plunge and moved in together.
But things aren’t going as smoothly as you’d imagined, and now you’re wondering if you made the right choice.
Let’s unpack a few signs that you may have made a wrong turn and cohabitated too soon.
- You’re Fighting Over Housework: Before moving in together, doing a test run is wise to determine if your practical living styles mesh. If they don’t, you can work on it. However, if nothing is improving, and you’re constantly at each others’ throats over domestic chores, you may have jumped the gun.
- You’re Arguing Over Finances: Finances are the number one reason for relationship problems. Whether roommates or partners, discussing how things will be split ahead of time is vital. If you’re still uncomfortable talking about money with your partner, and it’s causing issues now that you’ve moved in together, that may be a sign you’re not ready to live together yet.
- You Had Your First Big Fight After Moving In: You might have rushed things if you had your first blow-up after combining households.
Of course, you’ll have arguments throughout any relationship, but you should weather at least one major fight before living under the same roof. - Their Habits Are Driving You Mad: Your partner doesn’t do the dishes when you cook. Or maybe they chew loudly, leave the bathroom a mess, or have people over too much. Whatever the quirks or habits, they’re driving you batty, which may signal that you didn’t do enough due diligence before cohabitating.
How do you know if it’s too soon to move in together?
If you’re constantly fighting, have yet to discuss finances, and one of you still has several secrets tucked away, you’re probably not ready to share a home with your romantic partner.
Cohabitation is a big step, and it can be fulfilling and fun. However, think carefully before making the leap prematurely. Moving out is not as fun as moving in.
How long does it take to move in and get married
Question
Hello guys! I really like reading you: I learned a lot of interesting things for myself and in many respects I agree with you.
I mustered up the courage to write to you, and, perhaps, give good advice, as well as to everyone in need! :)
Let me tell you a little about myself: I am 30 years old, I live in Moscow, originally from St. Petersburg. I work in a large company, I love my job and my team, and, most importantly, I have room to grow, i.e. work will definitely not be boring. As a person, he is absolutely full-fledged, interesting and moderately likable (sorry for the “modesty”).
2.5 months ago I started a relationship with a man who is 3 years older than me. Serious intentions, pampers moderately, I really like spending time together, there are already joint trips, we are planning a joint vacation, etc. But there is one “but”: he is already starting to hint at cohabitation, he is asking me about my culinary skills (but I know for sure: there is nothing to worry about - I know how to cook, I am economic, etc.). The problem is that the mere thought of living together puts me in a panic: I’m scared that they’ll just use me again, but they won’t call me to the altar (I’ve already lived 2 times).
I understand that it is necessary to try to live before marriage, but, in your opinion, what time and what dot the i should dot before moving in together? I like him very much, and I like him. But won't an early cohabitation ruin our relationship?
Also a parallel question: how to properly distribute the budget in the family, who should be responsible for what things (housing, food, etc.)?
I hug and kiss everyone on the cheeks. I'm waiting for your answer, like a nightingale of summer :))
Love and warmth to all:)
Reply
Hello, dear lady! Before itching in the palms and tears on the cheeks, we were waiting for such a kind of confession from the girls, because they usually write us derogatory nasty things in the comments to articles in which we speak unflatteringly about women, relationships and grievances. Thanks for being so kind and like they said at 98th year, bad words.
Well, now, comrade immodest Leningrader, let's go directly to the topic.
If suddenly, after reading the answer, the desire to smack our cheeks suddenly disappears, like the mention of rallies from the news, then don’t get angry: this is not a collision, but by negligence. Know: this is all loving - so to speak, from noble motives. Moreover, the truth is rarely pleasant.
Your boyfriend is definitely eyeing you and will most likely offer what you're so afraid of. He certainly understands that you, do not take it for impudence, are no longer applicants, so to speak, and there is no particular point in delaying. Although, knowing men, I can tell you that this does not mean that he will offer you life in the coming week. You see, the fear of living together torments not only women, but also men. It hurts so much that in the middle of the night they wake up crying, call their mother and say that they don’t want to move out. Here is such a squiggle: a curve, like painted eyebrows after rain.
Therefore, it is impossible to exclude the possibility that for another six months he will think and reflect on how much it is necessary for him to get involved in such an adventure as living together.
These are common questions to get to know you, and they can be asked just like that, just in case. He may not be sure of his intentions, but suddenly in a day or two he will be impatient to get married. And here everything is already explored - well done, boy!
As for the reason for the doubts, the point here is not whether you are a goddess, just a nymph or a riffraff from a bestiary. Rather, the problem is in his life and amorous experience. Suddenly, his ex took lovers, fried anchovy, controlled his every step, and he is afraid of a repetition of this nightmare. Moreover, as the old people say, you need to get married before 30, because then you become smarter and do not agree to such nonsense. Everyone has doubts and thoughts that he will be used, exploited as a domestic slave. After all, you probably don’t want to turn into a laundress-maid-borshchevok in your free time. And this is not to mention the fact that this scarecrow must be satisfied, so that it does not look where it is not necessary.
All this, of course, exaggerated, although there is some truth in this.
The main thing is not to forget that there are no servants, slaves or slaves in the family. There are only two people who hear and respect each other. But this, as they say, is ideal. But in fact, until the end of your life you will stand at the stove and wash his smelly socks, and you will have sex once a year and then drunk: you will sniff his onion-alcohol spirit and pretend that you are pleased. Just kidding.
Boys are brought up as warriors, and girls are brought up as princesses and decent housewives. But this is not entirely true - more of a stereotype. The male has become gentle these days. To a greater extent, it all depends on the person, on the level of his wisdom. In fact, a lot depends on how you put yourself, and if you do not want to be a traditional wife, then this must be identified right away. And know that if he does not look like an ideal man in your understanding, then in the future he will not become one.
The boy is already an adult and has lost his flexibility. So evaluate carefully how the gentleman is rich and how comfortable it is for you. He, in turn, will evaluate you. Hoping that you will endure and fall in love is the same as dooming yourself to lifelong hard labor. That's in order to reveal it, and we must live together. But if you already see that you are different, like rum and milk, then there is no point in wasting time. If you are not sure that you want to live with him, then most likely this man is either not completely yours or has not revealed himself enough: 2.5 months is not such a long time even to understand if you like it your new jacket or not. And we're talking about life here. “Will a quick cohabitation ruin our relationship?” As experience shows, no. But if you wait a little longer, it will only get better.
How long do you have to live before marriage? And exactly as much as it takes to understand that you have become one and that an independent life does not cause you bouts of painful nostalgia and a desire to escape.
When marriage is not as scary as it is now, and you both feel that this barbaric custom will not make it worse, then it's time. And most importantly - when you get to know each other so well that you will predict the next action. In a word, until it becomes boring and the thought “wouldn’t we go to get married” will not seem like something taken for granted.
And don't think that after 30 all the trains left and we should hurry. Although we ran a little higher on age, but this is far from old age. As one honored gynecologist, professor and luminary said: “Are you an idiot? What does it mean “you need to give birth before 27, otherwise it will be too late”? Who said such nonsense? Is the point clear? You see, in the civilized world after thirty you are considered an adult full-fledged person, and until that time you are an unreasonable teenager. It is clear that the living conditions are somewhat different and the difference in mentality has not gone away, but spit on this nonsense.
What do you care what other people think?! So there is always time to take a closer look, especially if, as the classic said, you are wise and graceful, like a weeping willow, and vile, like a farting diva.
And also, my dear, be kind, let go of the previous experience: it slows you down worse than a stop crane. We men are very different. We have more varieties than fakes from Adidas and Zhenya Belousov's songs. Not everyone wants a housekeeper. God forbid that she loitered at home all day long and became stupefied from a boring life! Everyone should have a life besides marriage: their circle of friends, interests. And it's not about cheating and whores, as one might think. It’s better that a woman has something to talk about, and if she didn’t have time to do the first, second and compote today, then there is nothing fatal in this. It's a shame, disgusting, in doubt, but if it's not regular, then it's forgivable. This, of course, is pure subjectivity, but where would we be without it!
As for the fact that it was not possible to reach the altar, then, you know, there may be different reasons.
Either you choose boys who are too indecisive, or you yourself force them to run away. Or you are drawn, which often happens, to individuals with whom you are incompatible, like wine with gasoline. We cannot say why they fled from you, because we do not have information. So here you have to analyze and figure it out yourself. But if he is too similar to your previous gentlemen, then keep in mind: another runaway suitor is possible.
In general, tell him about your fears, explain what you want and what confuses you. There is nothing shameful in this. And most importantly: it will become easier for you, and for him. Maybe after what he heard, he would run away, sparkling with trousers, because he had no thoughts about marriage at all. Everyone should think of themselves first before signing marriage certificates, no matter how selfish it may sound. Nobody canceled sacrifice, common goals, taking into account the interests of a partner, but if there is no special love, then why all this? That was? Silly, we think.
It's not worth it - proven by divorce statistics and grumbling pensioners who, for the sake of children and out of habit, cannot look at each other.
You have to be able to set priorities for yourself and understand what you are ready to give up in order for him to be with you. Communicate, share what is bothering you, be as reasonable as possible. And then it will be easier for everyone, believe me. Love is divine, but sooner or later it turns into a habit, and then all problems, like garbage that has spent the winter under the snow, will emerge. Do you like him externally, internally; don't you get tired of it; whether he has many habits that you would like to change - you need to consider everything. And by the way, the financial issue should also be taken into account. And how to distribute, you decide for yourself, based on your income. The classic scheme: a man pays for housing, services, gasoline, buys good gifts, and a woman pays only food. And both of them save some money for grandiose purchases.
An elegant scheme - however, it does not work for everyone, and sometimes both spend the last, because the salaries are small and it is not possible to play a kept woman and a patron of the arts.
It doesn't matter how your boyfriend feels about this issue. Maybe he thinks that a man should pay for everything, and then he will just pay for everything, and your salary can be saved for something more serious and the little things you need. Or vice versa, but only if the wife, who earns more, does not make him impotent. If both work, then no one owes anyone - you need to proceed from the amount and your receipts.
Don't worry, everything will be awesome. Send me a cake from the wedding and photos of shared housing.
When is it time for classes? Modern family in graphs and figures
Whether to go to the registry office and when to do it - the choice of each couple depends on many factors. Statistics say: the Russians decide to take such a step later and later.
Youth unions peaked in the mid-nineties, when the average age at first marriage was about 21 for women and 24 for men. Now most couples register relationships closer to 27-29 years. In addition, both women and men are increasingly starting a family after 35 years.
"There are no global changes now. In the future, the dynamics will depend on the marriage attitudes of the younger generation. It is known that so-called trial marriages are common among thirty-year-olds, when people live together for some time without registration. Perhaps this trend will continue among twenty-year-olds , but it’s hard to say how widespread it will be,” says Alla Makartseva, a leading researcher at the Institute for Social Analysis and Forecasting of the RANEPA.
The young generation's view of marriage is changing. They strive for independence and value personal achievement above what a person received from their parents.
"In 2018, we interviewed 1,400 students from universities in Moscow and Stavropol, which represents the conservative south of Russia, and compared the results with surveys in 2005 and 2007.
There were almost two times fewer girls who want to get married before the age of 24 Later than others, students of technical specialties are going to marry, and earlier - young men who grew up in rural areas. At the same time, the structure of the parental family has almost no effect on marriage plans, "says Tatyana Gurko, Doctor of Sociology, Chief Researcher at the Institute of Sociology of the Federal Scientific Research Center of the Russian Academy of Sciences .
"With the advent of the market economy, the connection between generations has weakened. Young people often earn more than their parents. The rental market allows you to rent an apartment and live separately. An independent person makes his own decisions, the opinion of his relatives plays almost no role for him," says a professor at the Department of Sociology family and demography of the sociological faculty of Moscow State University Alexander Sinelnikov.
"Now everyone is responsible for their own happy or unhappy future.
Therefore, people have become more careful: first they live together, and only then get married. Most often, such marriages are more stable than those that are entered into at the beginning of a romantic relationship," says the psychologist Larisa Ovcharenko.
Psychologists don't recommend postponing a wedding too long. After five years of marriage, the chances of formalizing a legal marriage are small - doubts are growing about such a need, and sometimes about a partner in general.
"We have perfectionists who think it's all or nothing. They wait for the right time, when there will be more money or better weather. And when that moment comes, it turns out that there is no desire anymore. Therefore, everything must be done on time, when you really want to Even if the circumstances are not quite ideal, you will get much more emotions, "says psychologist Natalia Panfilova.
Most often, people of the same age group enter into marriage (the difference is no more than five years).
It is really easier for them to find a common language, they have close views on life, raising children and leisure.
"Every seven years, a person's values and worldview change. Therefore, it is sometimes more difficult for partners with a large age difference to agree. At the same time, the older spouse can be emotionally flexible, and the young one can be rigid. There are people who cannot be moved even in young age,” says Natalia Panfilova.
Can we do without the formalities?
From 2015 to 2019, Russians entered into more than 5 million marriages, for the period 2010–2014. there were more registrations - 6.1 million. This indicator, among other things, depends on the sex and age structure of the population. For example, due to the low birth rate in the 90s, there are now few young people under 30, and it is at this age that people actively marry.
In the whole country, there are more men aged 18-34 than women: 16.1 million versus 15.5 million. This is especially noticeable in the northern regions and the Far East.
But in the southern republics, the picture is reversed. The disproportion of the sexes is not so critical, but still affects the choice of a partner.
"In Siberia and the Far East, there are extractive industries and high wages, so there are more men. In addition to industry specifics, there is a difference in the type of settlement. In rural areas, the situation with suitors is better, since girls are more active leaving for the city, while guys stay." Ten girls and nine guys" is more likely about some town with a textile industry, but this is also in the past. Now no one "stands on the sidelines" - people actively get to know each other on the Internet and travel around the country, "says the supervisor Laboratory of Population Economics and Demography, Faculty of Economics, Moscow State University Valery Elizarov.
Some Russians do not register their marriage. This format of relationships is chosen for several reasons, but, as a rule, not for life.
"About half of unofficial unions are repeated, when a person had a bad experience and no longer wants to go to the registry office.
In addition, young people live like this until the relationship is registered. But in the long term, such a union has less chance of survival - it does not couples are less likely to have children, while half of the cases when a birth is postponed is motivated by insecurity in a partner, in a registered marriage - only one in ten cases. than legal spouses," says Alexander Sinelnikov.
The attitude to the possession and disposal of family property is also changing. The practice of concluding marriage contracts is becoming more and more popular, but it is still difficult to call it mass. You can draw up a contract at any stage of marriage.
"In the first half of the year, 49.8 thousand marriage contracts were concluded, despite the general decrease in the number of notarial acts during the pandemic. In our country, only property relations are regulated by a marriage contract: ways of bearing family expenses, the procedure for financial support in marriage and after a divorce.
The conditions cannot violate the rights and freedoms of the spouses and contradict the law, otherwise the court will recognize such an agreement as invalid. Sanctions for treason, rudeness or unwashed dishes cannot be provided for in the marriage contract, "notary Irina Anikeeva says.
In which families are children born?
Children in Russia are preferred to have children in a legal marriage, although until the mid-2000s the proportion of extramarital births grew and reached 30%.
"Among children born out of wedlock, half are still registered with a specific father. Such children are more protected from a legal point of view: the mother can apply for alimony, receive a special allowance if the father is missing. Well, the right to inheritance , this should not be forgotten either," says Valery Elizarov.
The state supports children, regardless of whether they were born into a complete or incomplete family. For example, maternity capital is paid to everyone, and not only to those who are in a registered marriage.
The same applies to benefits for large families and children with disabilities, personal income tax deductions.
State support motivates for births, sociologists admit, but the personal choice of parents remains important. The birth of the first child is increasingly being postponed, as is the wedding.
"If we talk about child free, then among the students we interviewed, only 1% said they were ready to refuse to have children. The rest want to have a child, almost half of the respondents - two, another quarter - three or more," says Tatyana Gurko .
The number of children in the country has increased in recent years, which is associated with the mother capital program. But there are other factors as well. Now sociologists are studying the "social contagion effect" - when the reproductive plans of one couple increase due to communication with other families with many children.
"Our idea of having many children has normalized. Back in the 90s, it was associated with poverty, with trouble, there were more negative ones.
Now among those who are well-to-do with families, there are many who have three or more children. We conducted a study among entrepreneurs, interviewed 400 people . Of these, 65% turned out to be large," says Elena Zhuravleva, expert of the National Parent Association.
"Now there are few women at the peak of their reproductive age, and we cannot make more of them. But we can create the conditions for them to want to have children. The more support a woman feels, the more courageously she decides to take such a step. For example ", in prosperous multigenerational families, the birth rate is usually higher. And from the experience of European countries, we know such an interesting thing: the higher the equality of spouses in family roles and responsibilities, the more children are born in the family," notes Valery Elizarov.
A woman still spends more time at home and raising children than a man. Especially on weekdays - by 4 and 3.5 times, respectively. But still, the distribution of responsibilities becomes more flexible.
"The wife is a housewife, and the husband is the only breadwinner - this family model was common in the past, but you will not return to it. The traditional family in its modern form is rather where both work, but the spouse is less career-oriented. Except In addition, there are many couples where a woman earns more, and, according to sociological surveys, this, as a rule, is not considered a good reason for divorce," says Alexander Sinelnikov.
Now it is possible and necessary to agree on duties, psychologists believe. Russians cite the inability to compromise and selfishness as one of the main reasons for divorce.
Where does the habit of getting married lead?
Russians actively divorce and remarry. There are no exact statistics on such unions, since Rosstat only records the number of registrations, without specifying whether the first is a marriage, the second or the third. But sociologists at the HSE Institute of Demography believe that in some years the growth rate of remarriages outstrips the overall growth, for example, this was the case in 2011.
"The average duration of a marriage after a divorce is about ten years. After parting, almost half of people register a new relationship. Many have ceased to believe in marriage as a union for the rest of their lives and believe that if one spouse has stopped loving the other, he has the right to leave, even if they have children in common. Such results were obtained by employees of the Department of Family Sociology and Demography of the Faculty of Sociology of Moscow State University in 2019, interviewing 2.5 thousand people. The fact that a husband no longer loves his wife or she loves him was recognized as a morally acceptable ground for divorce about 70% of respondents,” says Alexander Sinelnikov.
“The disproportion between men and women changes by the age of remarriage. In cities, there are more women among residents of 40 years old, that is, it is increasingly difficult to find a groom in the second and subsequent marriages, ”says Valery Elizarov.
Among the younger generation, divorce is considered the norm, suggests Tatyana Gurko.
Even representatives of the conservative south of Russia have become freer in their views.
"Since 2007, in Stavropol, the proportion of female students who agree with the statement that you can marry several times has almost doubled — from 29up to 50%. Among Muslim girls in 2018, 47% answered this way. Among young men, the attitude changed not so significantly, but there were fewer supporters of monogamy. Among Moscow students, about 60% believe that remarriages are normal."
During the pandemic, due to restrictive measures, the number of registrations decreased, but the number of divorces fell more than marriages. In April - three times compared to the same period in 2019: 13.8 thousand against 48.6 thousand.
"Marriage for love is not a new phenomenon, but it is very relevant now. What matters here is how the institution of the family develops, and this is not a one-line process. For example, according to the Code of Marriage, Family and Guardianship of the RSFSR 19For 26 years, divorces were processed very easily, according to a statement from one side.
Remember Ostap Bender, who learned about the dissolution of his marriage with citizen Gritsatsuyeva by notification from the registry office. In 1944, the divorce process was made complicated. The courts dealt with these cases as if it were a serious criminal offense: the hearings were held in public, they were reported in the newspapers, they needed a good reason for parting. But from the second half of the 1960s, everything returned to the path of liberalization. Now the divorce procedure in Russia is much simpler than in many other countries. People break up and believe that a new marriage will be stronger and happier, but this is not always the case, "says Alexander Sinelnikov.
"As a rule, remarriage is not the reason for the breakup of the first one. Often, after a divorce, a person lives alone for some time, and only then enters into a relationship. The appearance of new families is in any case good, no matter whether people register a marriage or not. There is a high probability of having children together, because partners strive for this if they trust each other and see themselves together in the future," Alla Makarentseva is convinced.
