Relationship check in

How to Have a Relationship Check-In With Your Partner — Inland Empire Couples Counseling

Relationship and wellness experts always tout the importance of checking in with your partner. For parents this is even more crucial because schedules are more hectic and time for one-on-one face-to-face conversation is often rare. But what does this check-in look like, and what are some ways to make it worthwhile? It's way more than a quick "how are you doing?"

Keep reading to find out in depth what a check-in is and why it’s important to the strength of a relationship, the keys to making a check-in work, and some suggestions for questions to ask during it.

In this day and age we are all busy. Most of the time we are probably running on caffeine just to stay awake while we come home from work. It’s easy to slip into this as a routine and like many of us, forget the important things in life. When we take on more roles and responsibilities, we tend to put our relationship on the backburner. Anyone will say, “the kids come first” or “we need to make sure we have bread on the table.” Great, but then our partner is left hanging.

We don’t stop the role of lover or partner just because we become parents or a CEO of a corporation.

Let’s put an end to this by doing relationship “check-ins.”

What is a relationship check-in? Good question! It is a time that is scheduled in your busy lives where both partners are able to meet and essentially reconnect on a weekly or monthly basis. It is a prioritized time where it's just the two of you being brave and open to hearing feedback.

Also, it's a safe space reserved for honesty with the intent of making sure we are emotionally showing up in the relationship for each other. Not to mention, it helps your partner see you are genuinely interested in making your relationship work with them and that you still care about them. A relationship check-in should include the stuff that really matters to you both and can be as unique as you want it to be.

If you need some guidance see the following for examples:

Respectfully, address if both of you have been expressing love and appreciation towards each other and how you can improve if it needs improvement. The more specific the better.

Remember, the way you view love & appreciation may be different than how your partner views this.

Notice how being more specific feels different with these examples:

Thanks for all you do.
I really appreciate how I never have to think about whether I have clean clothes because you take care of the laundry.
You know I love you, right?
I’ve noticed that when I come home from work stressed you give me time to sit quietly before you start talking to me. I love you sensitivity to me in those moments. It really makes me feel seen and appreciated by you.

This can include non-sexual and sexual behaviors. Make sure to clarify when addressing how well this has been going or if it needs improvement. Please be specific in how this can be improved. Our partner can’t improve if they don’t know how. Be sure to discuss things that get in the way of intimacy as well as the things that promote intimacy in your relationship.

Address if this has been happening, how it has been going, if this needs improvement, or if this needs to start happening. Read 5 Tips for Better Date Nights and 30 Date Night Ideas for ideas!

Ask each other what your goals are for the week or the month or the next year. And, how can we help get us there if we can help at all.

It may be worthwhile to see how supportive we have been to our partner. Our partner may be a CEO and needs some extra support by making their coffee in the mornings or our partner is a stay-at-home parent who needs support by helping with bedtime routines.

Address how well you both have been sharing your thoughts or feelings throughout this week or month. And, how this can improve or share positives about how well it has been. Remember, the more specific the better. Read Communicating Wants & Needs, Using I Statements, and Rules for Fair Fighting for help communicating with your partner!

Make sure to talk about how you have both been holding up emotionally this day or week or month. You or your partner may not have had a chance to really reconnect with emotions because lots of things demand immediate attention (i.e., kids, work, school).

Reminder: Check-ins only happen if it is scheduled and made a priority.

If you absolutely must reschedule that 1 important time you have together this week for your check-in then openly communicate when the next check-in will be with your partner and make it happen. The more we keep putting it off the more likely it will not happen.

If you feel like you and your partner aren’t able to have these check-ins on your own, then couples counseling can help you! We help couples every week deal with this challenge. At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we know the steps to help your relationship thrive from these conversations. If you would like to work with one of our therapists, the first step is to schedule a free phone consultation. Click below to schedule!

Do you still have questions about counseling in general or us specifically? Visit our FAQs page to find out more!

We are now offering online couples therapy in California and in-person marriage counseling services in Riverside, CA; and online marriage counseling services in Temecula, CA!! It’s so important for you to find the right marriage counselor for you. Learn more about what’s unique about our couples therapists here.

This 5min Relationship Check In Will Transform Your Marriage

At its most basic, a relationship check in is a structured time for couples to assess the health of their relationship. When done right, this foundational relationship practice allows you to address underlying issues, capitalize on what’s working, and plan for your future together.

Relationship check ins are also known as a marriage meeting, a couples check-in, a relationship check up, a “state of the union” meeting, or as we sometimes call them, a relationship review.

But whatever you call it, the aim is the same:

To help your relationship be the best that it can be, and to make sure you both feel fulfilled and connected.

Before we started doing our relationship check in we found it difficult to bring up issues with each other:

We’d walk on eggshells trying to figure out when was the ‘right time’. But the longer we waited, the worse it got, until one of us would blurt out something hurtful and we’d end up in an argument.

(Sound familiar?)

But a relationship check in changed all that for us, and it’s since become a time of connection and quality conversation that we genuinely look forward to.

Which is why we believe you need to start your own check in ASAP.

There are some important steps to include (and some common mistakes to avoid) to help your relationship check in go smoothly.

So let’s start here:

How Often Should You Have a Relationship Check In?

Generally, the more often you have a relationship check in, the better. Once per week is a great place to start, but if you struggle to fit it into your schedule, bi-weekly or monthly can work too. The most important thing is to pick a regular time and set reminders so that it actually happens.

The advantages of a weekly check in is that you build a strong habit together – which means you’re less likely to forget. And especially when you first start out, you might have more topics you want to talk about.

When we first started our relationship check ins, we set aside time each Friday afternoon and simply put a weekly reminder in our calendar to keep us accountable.

Over time, we’ve found we don’t need to have our check ins as regularly, so the best way to find out what works for you is to get started, and then re-assess as you go.

How Do You Do a Relationship Check In?

Here are seven helpful, easy-to-follow steps to have your own successful relationship check in:

1.

Pick A Regular Time

Ideally, you want to be relaxed, present, and in good spirits, so don’t schedule a check in after a long day at work, or right before you need to rush out the door. You want to bring your best to these meetings.

2. Set The Scene

Your relationship check in is an opportunity to slow down and connect with each other, so why not make it feel a little special?

Bring your favourite snacks and drinks, or have it in a place that feels good to you. And be sure you’re somewhere private so you feel comfortable getting real with each other.

3. Set A Time Limit

You don’t want this to become a huge time sink, or a chore, so aim for around 30 minutes maximum to begin with.

4. Celebrate & Appreciate Each Other

We always start with the good stuff. This helps us to remember all the awesome things about our marriage, even if we have some more challenging topics to discuss. Appreciation is the secret sauce of a great relationship.

5. Take Turns Answering Questions

This is where you get to choose-your-own-adventure. We have two general formats that we recommend – a short form and a long form. (Keep reading for the full breakdown).

If you’re going to have your check ins more regularly, then the shorter format is a good fit. If you prefer monthly or quarterly, then try the more in-depth extended version.

You can also mix-and-match based on how deep you want to go or how much time you have available.

6. Choose An Action Item

Words are great, but actions are better. To integrate the insights from your relationship check in, pick an action that you each want to commit to.

7. Finish On A High

To wrap up, it can be fun to celebrate again. High five each other, have a cuddle or a smooch, whatever works for you.

Even if things get a little tense or something feels unresolved, find a way to come back to each other and your belief in your relationship.

When we’re working through some tough stuff, we’ll always finish with, “We’ve got this. We’ll work it out.” Even if we don’t know how. Because we always find a way.

Why Are Relationship Check Ins Important?

Simply put, a regular relationship check in helps keep your relationship on track. It can help prevent conflicts and arguments by addressing issues as they come up, and keeps you focused on creating the kind of relationship you want.

This simple practice really is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. Here’s a few more important positive outcomes this habit will create in your relationship:

More Trust

Having a set time to talk about your relationship creates safety and security. You both get to feel reassured that nothing will get swept under the rug, that your partner is listening, and that they care about meeting your wants and needs.

Less Arguments

Once we started doing relationship check ins in our marriage, we noticed a dramatic reduction in conflict. There was less tension bubbling away under the surface, and we were more focused on the things that brought us together. Win.

More Presence

Having a set time also means you don’t have to worry about the “right time” to bring up any relationship issues. So in everyday life, you get to be more fully present and enjoy each other.

More Appreciation

Starting each check in with what’s working helps you to be focused on the healthy aspects of your relationship. This positive reinforcement helps you both feel more appreciated, valued, and invested in the relationship.

More Quality Time

It’s far too easy to get caught up in the busyness of life and to forget about making quality time together. Now, a relationship check in isn’t the only meaningful time you should be spending together, but it is time that will create more emotional intimacy and connection in your relationship.

More Relationship Satisfaction

Too many people are sleepwalking through life without really thinking about how to meet their wants and needs – or the wants and needs of their partner. Having a regular check in keeps you focused on your bigger picture goals, and the “why” of your relationship. It’s how you intentionally create a conscious relationship.

(Need help working out the big picture goals and vision for your relationship? Check out our free conscious relationship guide.)

How Do You Ask For A Relationship Check In?

When asking for a relationship check in, frame it as an easy, low-pressure conversation to help put your partner at ease and be more receptive to the idea. Let them know you’d like to make time for a general relationship check-up to make sure you’re both feeling happy and fulfilled.

Once you’ve tried it out you can then talk about how regularly you might like to have your check ins, and when.

Whatever you do, avoid the dreaded, “We need to talk.”

Hearing those words usually makes someone think of the worst-case scenario, so try to keep it as light as possible.

If you’re worried that asking upfront might put your partner on the defensive, simply send them a link to this article and let them know you’d like to try it out. That way, they’ll understand the intention of the relationship check in and you’ll both be on the same page.

Now that you have a basic overview, and why it’s important, let’s dive a little deeper into the discussion part.

What exactly should you talk about in your relationship check-in?

Here are our two main approaches:

Relationship Check In Questions (Simple)

What’s something that’s really working in our relationship?
What’s something that we want to focus on to help our relationship thrive?

(#protip: Your answers are allowed to be different!)

These are our go-to questions for a regular relationship check in. We like to keep it short and sweet, and these two questions help us focus on what’s important.

With the first question, we each choose one thing that’s working – we call it our Celebration – and we celebrate and appreciate each other for it. Don’t hold back here. It’s an important opportunity to really acknowledge and champion each other and the relationship.

The second question then allows us to each bring up something that we want to address. We try to keep it future-focused and productive, but sometimes it involves talking about challenges or something that doesn’t feel resolved.

This approach helps us to tackle issues as they come up, instead of letting them fester into long-term resentments and contempt. (If you’re dealing with festering, toxic resentment in your relationship, here’s our practical guide to help fix it.)

The ‘focus’ question doesn’t have to be a ‘problem’ though. It’s also a great opportunity to reflect on your big picture goals and shared dreams, and to make sure you’re actively taking steps towards them.

Relationship Check In Questions (Extended)

What’s really working in our relationship right now?
What are we celebrating?
Is there anything from the last week / month that feels unresolved?
Do we feel close and connected to each other?
Do we feel supported? Is there anything we can do to better support each other?
Is there anything we’ve been avoiding?
Is there anything we’d like to be acknowledged or appreciated for?
Are we fulfilling our responsibilities and commitments in our relationship?
How do we feel about our sexual connection?
How do we feel personally? Do we feel like we’re living aligned as the people we want to be?
Are we feeling good about ourselves as a parenting team?
Are we on track with our big-picture goals and relationship vision?
Is there anything else we want to share?

Not all of these questions will be relevant, and you don’t have to ask all of them every time. But they do cover some core areas of a healthy relationship, so it can be good to check over them from time to time.

Common Relationship Check In Mistakes To Avoid

Finally, let’s talk about the potential traps to watch out for. Otherwise, your relationship check in might start to feel like a chore at best, and just another opportunity for arguments at worst.

Don’t Bring Up All Of Your Problems At Once

Instead, pick one meaningful thing that you’d like to address, and trust that you’ll get to the other stuff next time.

Don’t Expect Miracles

By itself, a relationship check in isn’t going to fix all of your problems. If you’re facing some bigger issues, or you keep getting stuck on one topic, it might be time to call in outside support.

Don’t Forget To Celebrate

Our brain is hardwired to notice what’s not working – it’s called the negativity bias. And while it’s helpful for problem solving and innovation, if left unchecked it’ll damage your relationship.

Sometimes it takes effort to see the things that are already working, but it’s important to give yourselves credit. Always find things to appreciate and celebrate in your relationship.

Don’t Let It Drag On

If your check in turns into an hour+ deep dive every single week, you might start to resent them – or worse, each other. Less is often more, so keep it short.

Don’t Criticize

This is not an opportunity to criticize your partner or point out all their flaws. If you have complaints you want to raise, get clear on what it is you want, and frame it as a request, rather than an attack.

(And if you need help having difficult conversations and handling conflict better, check out our Conflict to Connection communication course for couples).

Don’t Talk ‘Life Admin’

Keep the everyday life planning stuff out of your relationship review. If you need to, have a seperate meeting beforehand about who’s taking the kids to school or what home renovations need to be done. As the name suggests, keep your relationship check in focused on your relationship.

Don’t Overdo The Alcohol

As tempting as it is to crack open a whole bottle of wine, too much of a good thing can be counter productive.

Not trying to be the Fun Police here, we just know from experience that a few too many drinks can make the conversation messier, not better.

Don’t Forget The Fun

When we first started our relationship check ins, we paired them with tacos and card games. Did we look forward to our relationship check in each week? You bet!

As our life and weekly rhythms have changed, so too have our check ins. We’ve had them over coffee dates, during an afternoon stroll in the park, and cuddled up on the couch together.

There may be times that your check ins get a little serious, and that’s OK. But overall, you want this to be a time where you come together, connect, celebrate each other, and consciously work on making your relationship the best that it can be.

And that gets to be fun!

Is sex a problem in your relationship? Do you crave more physical and emotional intimacy? Check out our complete how-to guide to help you reignite your love life.

Ready to take your marriage to the next level? Check out these 11 conscious marriage goals for a stronger relationship.

Checking relations: Day of Unity of the Russian Federation and Belarus

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Checking relations: Day of Unity of the Russian Federation and Belarus

Checking relations: Day of Unity of the Russian Federation and Belarus - Radio Sputnik, 04/02/2022

Test of relations: Day of Unity of the Russian Federation and Belarus

Vladimir Putin congratulated Alexander Lukashenko on the Day of Unity of the Peoples of Russia and Belarus. The holiday is celebrated annually on April 2 - on this day at 1996 was ... radio Sputnik, 02.04.2022

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Relationship check: Unity Day of Russia and Belarus

Vladimir Putin congratulated Alexander Lukashenko on the Day of Unity of the Peoples of Russia and Belarus. The holiday is celebrated annually on April 2 - on this day in 1996 the agreement "On the Formation of the Community of Russia and Belarus" was signed, and a year later - an agreement on the union of the two states. What unites the peoples of the Russian Federation and Belarus today and how Russian-Belarusian relations are developing - we discuss on the air of Sputnik radio.

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Relationship check: Unity Day of Russia and Belarus

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Vladimir Putin congratulated Alexander Lukashenko on the Day of Unity of the Peoples of Russia and Belarus. The holiday is celebrated annually on April 2 - on this day at 19In 1996, an agreement was signed "On the Formation of the Community of Russia and Belarus", and a year later - an agreement on the union of the two states. What unites the peoples of the Russian Federation and Belarus today and how Russian-Belarusian relations are developing - we discuss on Sputnik radio.

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An instructive text that it is high time to leave the "relationship test" in the dusty past / AdMe

- He took me to forest. He said that he needed to check his feelings, - puffed a colleague bitten by mosquitoes.

I was completely delighted and involuntarily tried to grab the pen - to write down an epic saga for posterity. But the story as a whole turned out to be classic. Masha started an affair with a wonderful man - a smart, independent... lover of outdoor activities. Since Masha was familiar with the phrase "active rest" only from billboards, Seryozha took her to the forest to check her feelings and readiness for a serious relationship.

Of the feelings, intuition was tested first, and she did not let Masha down. As she expected, the forests turned out to be a place for everyone. The sense of smell and touch also came in handy: the wind blew into the forests from the side of some restless cows, the branches were prickly, the cones were also not distinguished by tenderness, mosquitoes bit painfully.

Vision and hearing also took their toll. All night Masha imagined monsters around the tent. And the taste was good: sausages burned on coals turned out to be so-so.

As a result of the rest, the opinion of the lovers turned out to be delightfully unanimous: they do not suit each other. Or rather, it seemed to Masha that even yes, if the relationship was built on the principle of “Masha plus Serezha”, and not “Masha plus Serezha plus nature” ...

I don’t know what they will eventually succeed, but it was amazing me another. I suddenly realized how boring we live: no one has been checking feelings for a long time! But once upon a time...

Those were zero years, or rather their end. We mostly invented problems for ourselves. One of the most exciting challenges was "testing a partner."

This merry game was equally passionately played by both sexes. Simple and primitive people arranged checks. The boys asked their friends to “roll up” to their girls for the purpose of an examination: how is the chosen girl with fidelity? The girls did not lag behind, exploiting their friends with might and main. In such a simple way, families formed a couple of times before my eyes.

The people with claims to intellectuality amused themselves in the style of parables about King Solomon. Beautiful nymphs were required to sew on buttons in the absence of needles and cook dinner from a loaf of bread and a pack of margarine. Princes were also given admirable tasks, though less often.

Once I got lucky too. A certain gentleman who had already been admitted to my house, although not in the bedroom, but in the kitchen, decided to consolidate his success. He came with a surprise - a huge carp. The smallest thing was required of me - to cook a monster.

Deciding that neither the tail nor the scales would spoil my date, I bravely dragged the fish out of the bag, slapped it on the board, and I was immediately slapped in response. tail. Sazan turned out to be alive and was not going to become dinner.

At the sight of the fish, the cavalier purred contentedly and flashed his eyes encouragingly: they say, come on, cook it, you see how fresh it is! I was very young, I saw fresh food, but not so much that they bounced. ..

The cavalier also bounced with pleasure. And the carp opened his mouth and helplessly goggled his eyes.

Then I did a very strange thing. She grabbed the fish in a bag, pressed it to her chest so that it would not escape, and took it to the bathroom. Got some water. Has returned. Wiped the table.

Cavalier did not understand. He asked: when, in fact, to have dinner? I offered coffee or to go down to the pizzeria, if I was completely unbearable.

— And the fish?

- I will not cook him: he is alive.

This is how I learned the adjective "sloppy" and heard other previously known words. And also - I found out that it was a test. The cavalier, by the way, takes me very seriously and wants to get married. And his wife should be a strong woman, so that a horse, and a hut, and live fish, specially bought for such an occasion ... And now I have disappointed the gentleman, and he, by the way, has feelings.

Carp and I had no feelings. We turned out to be not warm-blooded and silent. He was silent from the bathroom, I was in the kitchen. True, not for long. In my opinion, this was the first time that I said to a living person, "Get out."

It turned out that you have to pay for the fish: after all, it did not become an attribute of a romantic dinner, which means that the money was wasted. I paid. Unwittingly, the man quickly went down in history so that in my friends' tales he would be called "the very type from whom Sashka bought the carp"...

That evening, carp and I made a short trip to the local river, since it flowed 200 meters from my then habitat. The fish flopped heavily into the water, and I almost flew after it, carried away by the temporary sazan house - an antediluvian basin. Neptune kept us safe: I caught on the fence, the carp made a wide circle, saying goodbye, and the landlady did not even miss her basin.

I still remember this date as one of the best. I think I passed the test then.

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