Friend is holding a grudge against me

Why We Hold Grudges + What to Do When Someone Has a Grudge Against You

Conditions
- Featured
  - Addictions
  - Anxiety Disorder
  - ADHD
  - Bipolar Disorder
  - Depression
  - PTSD
  - Schizophrenia
- Articles
  - Adjustment Disorder
  - Agoraphobia
  - Borderline Personality Disorder
  - Childhood ADHD
  - Dissociative Identity Disorder
  - Narcissistic Personality Disorder
  - Narcolepsy
  - Oppositional Defiant Disorder
  - Panic Attack
  - Postpartum Depression
  - Schizoaffective Disorder
  - Seasonal Affective Disorder
  - Sex Addiction
  - Specific Phobias
  - Teenage Depression
  - Trauma
Discover
- Wellness Topics
  - Black Mental Health
  - Grief
  - Emotional Health
  - Sex & Relationships
  - Trauma
  - Understanding Therapy
  - Workplace Mental Health
- Original Series
  - My Life with OCD
  - Caregivers Chronicles
  - Empathy at Work
  - Sex, Love & All of the Above
  - Parent Central
  - Mindful Moment
- News & Events
  - Mental Health News
  - COVID-19
  - Live Town Hall: Mental Health in Focus
- Podcasts
  - Inside Mental Health
  - Inside Schizophrenia
  - Inside Bipolar
Quizzes
- Conditions
  - ADHD Symptoms Quiz
  - Anxiety Symptoms Quiz
  - Autism Quiz: Family & Friends
  - Autism Symptoms Quiz
  - Bipolar Disorder Quiz
  - Borderline Personality Test
  - Childhood ADHD Quiz
  - Depression Symptoms Quiz
  - Eating Disorder Quiz
  - Narcissim Symptoms Test
  - OCD Symptoms Quiz
  - Psychopathy Test
  - PTSD Symptoms Quiz
  - Schizophrenia Quiz
- Lifestyle
  - Attachment Style Quiz
  - Career Test
  - Do I Need Therapy Quiz?
  - Domestic Violence Screening Quiz
  - Emotional Type Quiz
  - Loneliness Quiz
  - Parenting Style Quiz
  - Personality Test
  - Relationship Quiz
  - Stress Test
  - What's Your Sleep Like?
Resources
- Treatment & Support
  - Find Support
  - Suicide Prevention
  - Drugs & Medications
  - Find a Therapist

Medically reviewed by Karin Gepp, PsyD — By Karen Lamoreux — Updated on Oct 17, 2022

Grudges tend to stick — but you can let them go, even if the other person doesn’t. Your emotional and physical health can benefit.

A grudge is holding on to hurt or anger toward another because of an actual or perceived wrong. Grudges can be short-lived or persist over a lifetime, creating potential health risks.

Being the focus of someone’s grudge can be painful and confusing. You may want to heal the relationship, but the other person is still angry or withdrawn. You may also have to deal with your anger or hurt over the person’s grudge.

For the good of your mental and physical health, health professionals recommend letting go of grudges, whether your own or someone else’s.

The hurt, guilt, or anger you feel about another’s grudge may fade. If not, help is available. To help you let go, you can turn to:

supportive friends
wellness practices
therapy

People most likely to hold grudges are those with a negative approach to life and hold on to emotions like:

envy
jealousy
toxic anger

Other factors may also contribute to grudge-holding, such as:

cultural background
family upbringing
a personal history of hurt or trauma

One 2021 study found six traits common to grudge holders:

need for validation and approval
sense of being morally superior
difficulty letting go
tendency to keep old grudges active
tendency to sever ties with people
firm expectations about the future

The grudge a person nurses against you is about them, not you. They are the one who harbors resentment and keeps the fire burning. You can let go of the grudge’s hold on you, even if they do not.

Dr. Frederic Luskin, is the founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project and author of the book “Forgive for Good.” In a New York Times article he said “Holding onto a grudge really is an ineffective strategy for dealing with a life situation that you haven’t been able to master.”

Grudges often begin with the simple misconception that people are all good or all bad. This type of thinking ignores the complexities of human relationships and leans into all-or-nothing thinking.

An absolute judgment can foster the grudge holder’s identification as a victim. They may feel unable to take any responsibility for the grudge or heal it.

Sometimes, there is little you can do to heal another person’s grudge against you. It may have deep roots in the person’s psychological makeup and personal history. Acceptance may be your best next step.

Acceptance does not mean excusing the grudge or accepting the person’s blame. It means that you acknowledge the grudge and move on with your life.

Forgiveness is a powerful ally to your health. Research shows that forgiveness can:

lower the risk of heart attack
improve sleep
reduce pain
decrease levels of:
- anxiety
- depression
- stress

Anger, on the other hand, can become toxic over time. Although it can be a healthy first response, 2019 research shows that long-term anger can contribute to many health risks, including:

heart disease
diabetes
immune response
stress

Tips to consider

Is someone holding a grudge against you? Here are some tips for moving forward:

Accept. First, acknowledge the grudge. Let it be. Avoid ruminating on it or discussing it in depth with other people. Decide what, if anything, you can do toward healing.
Make amends. You probably don’t agree with the grudge holder’s view. But try slipping into their shoes. You might find hurt feelings or a tangible loss that your actions caused. See if you can help in any way. An apology at this point may go a long way.
Forgive and let go. Forgiveness does not mean to excuse or forget. It is the choice to let go of the negative emotions you may be holding about the grudge or the person holding it.
Move on. For your own mental and physical health, it is important that you move on with your life. The choice you get is how to respond to the grudge and what effect you’ll let it have on your life.

You may not be able to change the circumstances that led to someone’s grudge (even if it’s your grudge) but you can:

accept that immutability
make amends, either with your person or group directly (or within yourself)
forgive
move past the grudge

When you feel triggered or reminded of the grudge it may help to repeat a mantra or affirmation to validate your growth beyond the grudge. As author Criss Jami pens in his poetry book, “Salomé: In Every Inch In Every Mile:”

“Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on.”

Last medically reviewed on October 15, 2022

4 sourcescollapsed

Barlow MA, et al. (2019). Is anger, but not sadness, associated with chronic inflammation and illness in older adulthood?
apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/pag-pag0000348.pdf
Herrera T. (2019). Let Go of Your Grudges. They’re Doing You No Good. The New York Times.
nytimes.com/2019/05/19/smarter-living/let-go-of-your-grudges-theyre-doing-you-no-good.html
Johns Hopkins Medicine. (n.d.).
hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it
Van Monsjou G, et al. (2021). Examining the lived experience of holding grudges.
doi.org/10.1037/qup0000205

FEEDBACK:

Medically reviewed by Karin Gepp, PsyD — By Karen Lamoreux — Updated on Oct 17, 2022

Why We Hold Grudges + What to Do When Someone Has a Grudge Against You

Conditions
- Featured
  - Addictions
  - Anxiety Disorder
  - ADHD
  - Bipolar Disorder
  - Depression
  - PTSD
  - Schizophrenia
- Articles
  - Adjustment Disorder
  - Agoraphobia
  - Borderline Personality Disorder
  - Childhood ADHD
  - Dissociative Identity Disorder
  - Narcissistic Personality Disorder
  - Narcolepsy
  - Oppositional Defiant Disorder
  - Panic Attack
  - Postpartum Depression
  - Schizoaffective Disorder
  - Seasonal Affective Disorder
  - Sex Addiction
  - Specific Phobias
  - Teenage Depression
  - Trauma
Discover
- Wellness Topics
  - Black Mental Health
  - Grief
  - Emotional Health
  - Sex & Relationships
  - Trauma
  - Understanding Therapy
  - Workplace Mental Health
- Original Series
  - My Life with OCD
  - Caregivers Chronicles
  - Empathy at Work
  - Sex, Love & All of the Above
  - Parent Central
  - Mindful Moment
- News & Events
  - Mental Health News
  - COVID-19
  - Live Town Hall: Mental Health in Focus
- Podcasts
  - Inside Mental Health
  - Inside Schizophrenia
  - Inside Bipolar
Quizzes
- Conditions
  - ADHD Symptoms Quiz
  - Anxiety Symptoms Quiz
  - Autism Quiz: Family & Friends
  - Autism Symptoms Quiz
  - Bipolar Disorder Quiz
  - Borderline Personality Test
  - Childhood ADHD Quiz
  - Depression Symptoms Quiz
  - Eating Disorder Quiz
  - Narcissim Symptoms Test
  - OCD Symptoms Quiz
  - Psychopathy Test
  - PTSD Symptoms Quiz
  - Schizophrenia Quiz
- Lifestyle
  - Attachment Style Quiz
  - Career Test
  - Do I Need Therapy Quiz?
  - Domestic Violence Screening Quiz
  - Emotional Type Quiz
  - Loneliness Quiz
  - Parenting Style Quiz
  - Personality Test
  - Relationship Quiz
  - Stress Test
  - What's Your Sleep Like?
Resources
- Treatment & Support
  - Find Support
  - Suicide Prevention
  - Drugs & Medications
  - Find a Therapist

Medically reviewed by Karin Gepp, PsyD — By Karen Lamoreux — Updated on Oct 17, 2022

Grudges tend to stick — but you can let them go, even if the other person doesn’t. Your emotional and physical health can benefit.

A grudge is holding on to hurt or anger toward another because of an actual or perceived wrong. Grudges can be short-lived or persist over a lifetime, creating potential health risks.

For the good of your mental and physical health, health professionals recommend letting go of grudges, whether your own or someone else’s.

The hurt, guilt, or anger you feel about another’s grudge may fade. If not, help is available. To help you let go, you can turn to:

supportive friends
wellness practices
therapy

People most likely to hold grudges are those with a negative approach to life and hold on to emotions like:

envy
jealousy
toxic anger

Other factors may also contribute to grudge-holding, such as:

cultural background
family upbringing
a personal history of hurt or trauma

One 2021 study found six traits common to grudge holders:

need for validation and approval
sense of being morally superior
difficulty letting go
tendency to keep old grudges active
tendency to sever ties with people
firm expectations about the future

The grudge a person nurses against you is about them, not you. They are the one who harbors resentment and keeps the fire burning. You can let go of the grudge’s hold on you, even if they do not.

Grudges often begin with the simple misconception that people are all good or all bad. This type of thinking ignores the complexities of human relationships and leans into all-or-nothing thinking.

An absolute judgment can foster the grudge holder’s identification as a victim. They may feel unable to take any responsibility for the grudge or heal it.

Acceptance does not mean excusing the grudge or accepting the person’s blame. It means that you acknowledge the grudge and move on with your life.

Forgiveness is a powerful ally to your health. Research shows that forgiveness can:

lower the risk of heart attack
improve sleep
reduce pain
decrease levels of:
- anxiety
- depression
- stress

Anger, on the other hand, can become toxic over time. Although it can be a healthy first response, 2019 research shows that long-term anger can contribute to many health risks, including:

heart disease
diabetes
immune response
stress

Tips to consider

Is someone holding a grudge against you? Here are some tips for moving forward:

Accept. First, acknowledge the grudge. Let it be. Avoid ruminating on it or discussing it in depth with other people. Decide what, if anything, you can do toward healing.
Make amends. You probably don’t agree with the grudge holder’s view. But try slipping into their shoes. You might find hurt feelings or a tangible loss that your actions caused. See if you can help in any way. An apology at this point may go a long way.
Forgive and let go. Forgiveness does not mean to excuse or forget. It is the choice to let go of the negative emotions you may be holding about the grudge or the person holding it.
Move on. For your own mental and physical health, it is important that you move on with your life. The choice you get is how to respond to the grudge and what effect you’ll let it have on your life.

You may not be able to change the circumstances that led to someone’s grudge (even if it’s your grudge) but you can:

accept that immutability
make amends, either with your person or group directly (or within yourself)
forgive
move past the grudge

“Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on.”

Last medically reviewed on October 15, 2022

4 sourcescollapsed

Barlow MA, et al. (2019). Is anger, but not sadness, associated with chronic inflammation and illness in older adulthood?
apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/pag-pag0000348.pdf
Herrera T. (2019). Let Go of Your Grudges. They’re Doing You No Good. The New York Times.
nytimes.com/2019/05/19/smarter-living/let-go-of-your-grudges-theyre-doing-you-no-good.html
Johns Hopkins Medicine. (n.d.).
hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it
Van Monsjou G, et al. (2021). Examining the lived experience of holding grudges.
doi.org/10.1037/qup0000205

FEEDBACK:

Medically reviewed by Karin Gepp, PsyD — By Karen Lamoreux — Updated on Oct 17, 2022

Offended by you: how to react?

February 05, 2015 2:54 pm

The Sword in the Stone movie

Georgia Cool movie

It's best to leave her alone and do other things. And other girls.

Being offended is pretty stupid, but even decent people often do it. If you are offended, your reaction can be very diverse. Much depends on the validity of the offense in your direction, the personality of the one who is offended and the history of your relationship.

A well-mannered person's reaction to an insult in his direction consists of a compulsory and a free program. The compulsory program includes three points: to understand, to understand your contribution, to apologize, the free program is the choice of the final strategy. These strategies are also three: a soft exit from communication, operational psychotherapy and the cultivation of the habit of reasonable communication.

Now about all this - in more detail, and let's start with the "obligatory program".

It happens that grievances flare up from scratch, without any serious reason. To respond adequately, you first need to understand what actually happened: who said what and what he did. Maybe it's just a misunderstanding? So, first you need to deal with resentment. Understanding, responsible people always ask themselves first of all: what is my personal contribution to what happened, what is my personal responsibility for the offense that has arisen? If the offense against you is somehow justified, you should immediately apologize and ask for forgiveness: informally, clearly and extensively.

If you are not at fault for what happened, but the other person is hurt, it makes sense to apologize anyway. Apologizing is a formality, but well-mannered people usually do it. At least: "I'm sorry, I understand your feelings." Forgive, do not forgive - it's not really your business - people are different, but you have done your part.

However, there are no completely standard solutions here, because once indignant at someone else's offense - the most effective way to stop someone else's offense. Or, suppose you understand that the offense is clearly manipulative and the person is offended only to make you guilty and avoid their responsibility. No, it’s not worth shifting responsibility from a sick head to a healthy one, it’s not necessary to apologize here.

Mandatory program ended. What's next? Further options. Sometimes the best solution is a gentle exit from the touchy person. Dealing with other people's grievances is a rotten and ungrateful business, and if there is an opportunity to simply get out of problematic communication, this is usually the most reasonable solution. No showdowns, no excuses and long conversations - here the longer the conversations, the more insults. Make a simple decision: don't understand anything, apologize and hush it up for clarity: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," then smile and change the subject. And even better - to get out of communication with such people at all.

In principle, you should stay away from those who are offended and touchy. Touchy girlfriends, touchy girls you know - are you sure that you should maintain close contact with them? Usually there are more troubles and troubles than benefits and joys.

If you are a woman and your man is offended by you, do the same, but with two reservations. First - it is very likely that the man was not offended, but angry with you. Attention: if you are not absolutely sure that this is his OFFENSIVE, and you admit that he is ANGRY with you, proceed from the second. To tell a man that he is offended when he is angry with you is to make him doubly angry. According to men, only women and children are offended, so you should be careful here.

The second caveat - if a man is really offended by you, you should not deal with him. Men are not offended.

Next.

It is really better not to deal with touchy people, but it is not always possible to stop communicating with them so decisively. There are people dear, interesting, pleasant, needed and loved - there are a lot of people around you with whom you will communicate anyway, and it is useless to educate and re-educate them. In these cases, operative psychotherapy can help - a quick help to a person in relieving emotional stress and negative experiences.

Mother-in-law and mother-in-law are probably no longer worth educating and teaching about life. The fact that small children will immediately understand you also usually cannot be counted on.

In these, let's call them difficult cases, operational psychotherapy in the everyday version is optimal: an appropriate soft joke, distraction, let it be spoken out and other options for emotional response, emotional switching, involvement into something interesting and attractive, just giving flowers or ice cream - all this helps a person get out of resentment, remove mental pain, get rid of anger, overcome frustration, and mitigate other negative experiences.

The safest, but also the most "expensive" option is to give varied, all the time different answers, but directed towards the desired goal. The most "inexpensive" and reliable option is a typical three-point reaction: neutral, reaction, switching. That is, initially you react neutrally to resentments that arise once, in no way, as to this or that weather phenomenon - not because you don’t care, but in order not to create positive reinforcement for the habit of being offended next to you. After that - give the person the opportunity to react to their emotions, that is, to speak out, sniff, cry a little and even quarrel - if only it would make your soul feel better! And after that, as soon as it is possible, switch to something more positive.

You divert children to other entertainments, suggest relevant activities to adult children or include them in your positive communication. If suddenly this is your beloved girl, then flowers, care and other signs of attention are always very helpful. What’s more, you’ll probably enjoy it!

And the most important and at the same time the most difficult thing is not just to remove the offense "here and now", but to start slowly weaning off the habit of being offended. Education, especially re-education, is an exceptionally creative matter, but most often three points, three possibilities turn out to be useful here: set the format, discuss what is happening, accustom to reasonable communication. This is a separate large project, if you are interested - read "Education of good habits. How to wean from resentment and accustom to reasonable communication?"

Author N.I. Kozlov
How to respond to an insult
+
Communication and influence
Training "Personal life-1"
Intelligent communication

Comments (49):

Guest

And if the man is offended, waiting for an apology and running away?

N.I. Kozlov, February 05, 2015, 07:35

If a man is offended, everything is the same, but with two reservations. First - it is very likely that the man was not offended, but angry with you. If you are not sure if this is his offense or if he is angry with you, proceed from the second. To tell a man that he is offended if he is angry with you is to make him doubly angry. According to men, only women and children are offended, so you should be careful here. The second caveat - if a man is really offended by you, you should not deal with him. Men are not offended.

replies

Guest, February 12, 2017, 6:03 PM

What's the difference - angry or offended? Where is the edge? My husband always comes up with a reason to get angry / offended and I'm pretty tired of this. So he was taught from childhood - a manipulator-mother, who can "out of resentment" not talk to him for months. And the article is great, thanks!

Guest, December 30, 2019, 9:05 pm

I have the same husband as you! He invents out of the blue, turns everything upside down, you can go crazy! He got it from his mom too! And I don't know how to behave anymore, I'm tired of it. Especially when the mother-in-law arrives and incites a conflict, complete trash!

Guest, July 07, 2021 at 4:00 pm

How do you deal with this? Do you continue to live together? Or not?..

Guest, March 13, 2020, 09:08

Of course, they are offended. So he told me: I'm offended. Understood :)

Guest, 01 January 2021, 17:54

Men are hysterical and touchy. Stupid, self-satisfied and capricious. They are still offended, whining, go to complain about acquaintances .. They squeal and scandal. I despise men. I drive in the neck.

Guest, Jul 18, 2021 3:43 pm

You have had a bad personal experience.

Guest, July 07, 2021, 16:00

Offended or angry - to be honest, I'm absolutely purple. You need to properly express your feelings. And if 2-3 times a week they get angry / offended / angry at you, or simply don’t talk because of nothing to do, and every time you get hurt about it, then you probably need to break off such relationships. I wrote letters explaining HOW I feel when he behaves like this, crying, talking, writing again. He asked me every time not to cry and still continues this game of silence. I'm tired of swinging on these swings of someone else's sick emotionality. We have been together for three years now and the trend is only to increase such situations. Parting is scary, painful and sad. Habit, common life and some kind of warmth keep, but now I am treating depression, I need support, but he simply cannot give it.

replies

Guest, July 28, 2021, 9:20 pm

He is a manipulator, he will continue to practice this, because he has no other model or experience of behavior. You need to try to get him out of your head and heart, such a man is not an option.

Guest, Feb 03, 2022 12:43 pm

I am in a similar situation. Now in the development of internal resources, including self-assessment. I think this will help to implement the decision already made inside easier and less painful. At the same time preserving yourself as much as possible.

Guest, December 17, 2021, 6:16 pm

My husband is offended by me, he doesn't talk to me and doesn't tell me what happened. I know I didn't do anything wrong, what should I do? Try to find out what is the reason or score on everything and maintain his silence?

Guest, January 24, 2022, 5:11 pm

These are whims. He is stuck in childhood, a psychologist can help with this. Emotionally it's very hard to bear it. If you don’t want therapy, you should think about whether you need to spend time and nerves on it ?!

Elena, February 08, 2015, 12:16

I wonder what was meant by the safest and "expensive" option? Varied responses - what kind?

Tatyana, February 11, 2015, 8:05 pm

Thank you for the article. Detailed instructions. Links to further development of this topic are also interesting. Lots of stuff. 18 October 2016 women or children, but damn it's time to admit that we don't really have a difference ... it's funny right, I got angry with such a loud word, ahaha!)

replies

Guest, February 12, 2017, 6:05 pm

Maybe this implies that women always have biased and far-fetched claims, while for men everything is always objective and justified? You know it's embarrassing!

Guest, July 07, 2021, 04:04 pm

I always have everything objectively and to the point (even when he sat on my neck for half a year, I didn’t say anything, I regretted his feelings), but my husband is "angry" because: I'm growing flowers (spending money on pots, etc.) because I go to bed late, I didn't tie up the trash, I didn't turn off the fan in the bathroom, I didn't wipe the dust, and there are many other things that are standing and no reasons. And which of us is a "woman"? 9August 31, 2020 situation.

Guest, May 17, 2017, 05:12 PM

Thanks for the article, even though it didn't answer my exact question!

Guest, June 04, 2017, 2:55 pm

What if a man calls you a fool? I patted him on the shoulder, now he walks angry. He said, you're a fool, your cat is finished, and I'm handsome. I want to apologize, but he avoids me.

Kozlov Nikolai Ivanovich, June 05, 2017, 07:37

Write him a good letter (well, yes, with good words and apologies), and then it's none of your business. Call - well done. If he doesn't call, that's his business, which means he wasn't very interested. The main thing for you is to think about the future, learn to behave more carefully with men and interest more reasonable guys.

Guest, January 09, 2018 at 12:46 pm

Good answer!!

Guest, July 03, 2017, 07:41 PM

But what if the head of the department is offended? To my questions, questions, attempts to apologize, silence and pouted lips. I can’t work like that, especially since the tasks come from her and as a result I’m not busy with anything at work. The reason is impossible to know. Even colleagues tried - is silent. And now what? Quit? If I am not satisfied as a person and as an employee, although before that 4 years everything was in order, tell me straight and I will look for another job. How to be?

Guest, September 16, 2017, 11:06 AM

Every company needs leaders. Someone older than your boss, who will advise and analyze the situation, just try to be quiet, even the bosses should sometimes be reminded that the matter is personal. Or the deputy head of the atmosphere in the company. If you are among the leaders, take all your friends from the company with you, organize your own, and you can accept your boss as your subordinate. If you simply run away, the energy vampire may attack others. And if you have been coping with this attitude towards yourself for some time, then others can take it to the family and other areas outside of work. If there is no atmosphere in the company, it may be worth considering who you work for and why your intentions are so bad in the eyes of your boss. It can be trite - jealousy, dad is jealous of mom for me. The solution is more often, but at the same time gently discuss it together, and more often it is together and not in pairs separately.

Guest, July 28, 2017 7:29 PM

Well, there is one girl who... who... well, she was offended by me. It's stupid to be offended by me, it's better to be a nice girl and always smile, she suits a smile, EVEN VERY)))) And now I have to apologize for something, and I have never apologized to anyone. What to do? She is the only one I can apologize to, well, something like that)))

Guest, November 12, 2017, 02:47

We were friends with a friend for many years. She is very emotional, reacts to everything and everyone with resentment and envy. We have a joint project, and now, when I ask about our joint money, a storm of resentment follows that she is honest, and I suspect her of dishonesty. I don't get answers to my questions. How should I behave?

Kozlov Nikolai Ivanovich, November 12, 2017, 06:22 am

Be friends with a friend, but do not conduct a joint business with her. Never! She does not know how to do this, and it seems that she will not learn this.

Guest, November 30, 2017, 9:07 pm

Kozlov Nikolay Ivanovich, December 01, 2017, 08:34

There are many options. Read the article: "If you are not to blame for what happened, but the other person is experiencing resentment, in any case it makes sense to apologize." - and further ... Suppose: they apologized, smiled, hugged - then we do not pay attention, we communicate as if nothing had happened.

Guest, March 03, 2018, 06:27 PM

What to do if the husband is silent from time to time. .. and once in a couple of years the silence reaches up to a month... we have two children... funny. but he whistled for two days... I asked him, please don't whistle... but he continued to do it... and at one moment I took it and threw it away - by the way, the whistle was from a rubber toy, the squeaker is small. .. No matter how funny and sad it is ... he is 33 years old ... he fell silent, closed off ... I tried all ways to establish a dialogue ... in this situation I feel 50% guilty ... and therefore I went first to contact .. but the person does not respond at all! he does not want to speak out, does not want to answer my questions....and this silence suits him....he burrows into himself and see no way out!!!!! help what to do?

Kozlov Nikolay Ivanovich, March 11, 2018, 18:28

I'm afraid you can't handle this situation on your own. Contact"> http://www.psychologos.ru/articles/view/nuzhna-konsultaciya-psihologa-vop-zn--my-vam-pomozhem"> Seek advice, they will help you!

Guest, February 20, 2020, 4:44 pm

Are your services paid? If yes, what services do you accept?

Guest, November 21, 2018, 6:33 pm

What should you do if your classmate is offended by you? We did a joint laboratory work with him, he did his half well, and I did poorly, and because of this we got bad grades. He got offended and scolded me. What should I do if I'm depressed?

Guest, July 10, 2019, 4:29 pm

Please tell me. The situation is the following. The owner of the company I work for has a different attitude. He has a high status, but I often had conversations with him, and so on. Now it looks like he's avoiding it. It seems that he was told something about me or some other incomprehensible situation. The question is how to properly and delicately approach him with a question in order to find out what happened ?!

answer

Sokolova L.V., secretary N.I. Kozlova, July 11, 2019, 09:56

Guest, in the comments of Psychologos, experts rarely answer personal questions. Please address your question to the free consultation of the University of Practical Psychology - [email protected].

Guest, July 24, 2019, 3:54 pm

What to do if your grandmother is offended by you for almost nothing? I sat in my room, and my grandmother in another. I shouted and asked "ba what to eat", she replied "don't bother". Then I looked at the time on her phone, she noticed it, and I said "I just looked at the time." She didn’t believe me and, in addition, started yelling “what are you shouting at me, you don’t see, I’m busy, you can’t see what to eat yourself.” Then she asked me a very strange question "what did I tell you?" I asked "before I checked the time on my phone, or before we got here?" She looked at me and said "everything is clear with you" and was offended and did not talk anymore.

Guest July 29, 2019 3:28 PM

Great article. Thank you.

Guest, January 16, 2020, 12:42

I offended my beloved man. Guilty. Of course, there were specific reasons for this. She acted like a hysteric. I'm terribly jealous. He called me a fool. In general, the situation is unpleasant. And everything is turned in such a way that I can’t write first. There is no such possibility. And now I've lost it. It's horrible. I do not apologize, but he is silent. Has been silent for a long time. I do not know what to do. I'm ready to step on my throat, to ask for forgiveness. But no way.

Guest, September 20, 2021 at 02:46

And how is your situation now? How did it end? Everything is the same with me, I myself can’t apologize, I blocked and disappeared everywhere, and left my own apartment, two weeks have passed, I’m thinking of moving out or what to do ... What if my own sister (we live with her in the same house), is offended for no reason, simply stops paying attention, as if I were not in the house.

Guest, March 04, 2020, 10:23 am

Good afternoon. I do not know what to do. I have some complicated, incomprehensible situation. The son does something terrible, and then exposes me in such a way that I am absolutely to blame for everything, and demands that I apologize. And until I apologize, although I don’t even know for what exactly, I will take revenge. You read articles and in general, not a single article on psychology suits me.

Guest, March 18, 2020, 09:18

My friend was offended by me. I asked for forgiveness and she ignores me. Forgiveness doesn't work!

Guest, May 15, 2020, 11:25 AM

Jesus Christ gave good advice on how to react when someone is offended by you. He advised the offender to approach the offended and reconcile with him, i.e. approach with a view to establishing peaceful relations.

Guest, July 7, 2021, 4:06 pm

He didn't go anywhere along the way. Everything is too "perfect" and smooth.

Guest, June 15, 2020 at 11:39 AM

Hello! What to do with the case when my reaction to the information was not the same as the person imagined and, as a result, he was offended by me because of this? Should I apologize?

Guest, August 13, 2021, 10:51

What to do if the parents are offended by the child and ignore it?

Guest, February 3, 2022, 12:37 pm

My partner in life, in 60% of cases, reacts instantly to my small everyday offense with his tenfold increased offense with the addition of aggression. It falls into an affect and all the dirty linen climbs out, nasty words, transfers from past relationships, generalizations about women "you are all the same and what you need", suspicions of some kind of deception, that all my words are lies.

Of course, there is no point in talking at the moment - it only makes things worse. I understand that his words are not addressed to me, that with me he most likely plays out unlost scenarios and pronounces what he could not say in past relationships, and this is just a drain of negative feelings. But that doesn't make it any easier for me, I'm not his psychotherapist.

I have learned to maintain more or less external calm, things are worse with the internal. After the apogee is passed, the next day it continues to keep the given trend and add a few more accusations as a plus. Doesn't apologize and has difficulty sharing responsibility. He believes that he has the right to yell furiously at me, because I pissed him off, and pissed him off because I don’t love and didn’t guess that he was on the verge (I’m not a telepath, and he is aware of this). But if I somehow answer his cry and keep the boundaries, then I piss him off even more and I shouldn't do that because - I'm a woman! I have to calm him down and keep quiet. In general, in any scenario, I'm wrong. I take some of the responsibility for the conflict on myself, some I leave to him. I can apologize for mine. He is not (no guilt). Talking and discussing after is replaying the scandal. It looks like I'm living with an abuser. The stage when I was looking for reasons in myself has been passed. Now there is another phase. I know that I'm all right. I instinctively want to run away from this relationship.

Guest, February 21, 2022, 7:30 pm

"Second caveat - if a man is really offended by you, you should not do business with him. Men are not offended." Men are not people, and they should not have everything disadvantageous? If men are not allowed, then why are women allowed under conditions of equality?

Related materials:

22 Jan. 2019

Children, respect the feelings of your parents!

“My child was grieving today. He grieved bitterly, wept bitterly, shouted and pounded the wall with his fists. He was hurt, hurt and very bitter. The fact is that we sawed up his old bed and used it as material to build a new kitchen set.

1Read more

Jan 01 2010

Demian, swimming pool, resentment

Demian is crying softly: softly squelching, his shoulders are characteristically trembling. Question: how should dad behave, who noticed this in a minute too?

5Read more

Jan 01 2006

How to discuss grievances and other problematic emotions

The best relationships sometimes turn into something more problematic, and sometimes it’s not just desirable to discuss what is happening in your relationship, but it turns out to be directly necessary. When is the best time to do this? This is possible at any stage of the relationship, but it's best to wait and start the conversation when you're clean and your partner is obviously wrong. The essence of the conversation is to listen to the other side and offer to resolve issues not with grievances, but more constructively.

0Read more

Jan 01 2008

How to ask for forgiveness?

We are not perfect, sometimes we are wrong, giving people inconvenience and problems. If the situation is minor, it is enough to apologize, in more serious cases, you should ask for forgiveness.

15Read more

Jan 01 2005

Accustoming to reasonable communication

Communication with some people is accompanied by resentment, indignation, tantrums and other emotional outbursts. If a person close to you behaves this way, and communication between you is inevitable, if only because you want it, you have three opportunities to make communication between you more reasonable: set the format, discuss what is happening, accustom to the style and habit of reasonable communication.

5Read more

Jan 01 2007

Cultivating good habits. How to wean from insults and accustom to reasonable communication?

Education, especially re-education, is an exceptionally creative matter, and most often three points, three possibilities, three means are useful here...

1More

01 Jan. 2014

I was offended. Resentment and feeling of resentment

In everyday life the words resentment, offended, feeling of resentment are usually used as synonyms, although in fact they are essentially different things. Resentment is an objective, resentment is a notion, and being offended is an action. To be offended is to offend oneself and blame the other. To be offended is to begin to see what happened as an insult to oneself and begin to experience a feeling of resentment, it is to start behaving like an offended person: to be silent with an offended face, to remember that you were told offensive things and to say offensive things yourself.

4Read more

Resentment: what it is and how to let it go

There are many different ways to be offended: we are dealing with at least several types of resentment — and several scenarios of such situations.

For example, some of the "grievances" are definitely related to the emerging wave of cancel culture. Here one can draw parallels of varying degrees of correctness with different types of "witch hunts", including rather creepy but well-known examples from the last century, but the result is almost always the same: a group of people chooses to "be offended" and then "to be friends against" quite specific person. And suddenly his actions, deeds and words no longer have the presumption of innocence, nor the statute of limitations.

This is what happens: on the one hand, we seem to have become freer and strive to be “ourselves”, to be recognized in society, but on the other hand, there is a border between “what I can say about myself” and “what others can say” as as if not fully clarified, and then between these poles for the emergence of resentment there is a lot of free space. The culture of cancellation becomes the most complex and dramatic consequence of this freedom of expression, a punishment with almost no chance of redemption, no possibility of dialogue: social death is scary. To what extent is punishment symmetrical to guilt? How much freer are we really getting? These are open questions.

Advertising on RBC www.adv.rbc.ru

Another way to be seriously offended is related to the situation of the last year and a half. We live in a completely changed, disturbing and uncertain world; the global situation is strongly colored by the local ones: in many countries there is a sharp change in the political, economic and social agenda, and this also does not add certainty. We find ourselves in a state of chronic stress, in which a situation of "transfer" of the object arises. In everyday language, we choose to take out our resentment on someone who is conveniently turned up under the arm. You can also (see above) unite in a flock of like-minded people in order to trample on the victim for sure. Comfortable? Comfortable. Inhumane? Absolutely inhumane.

The third type of offense is well known to the Russian reader: “I am against the system”. It is connected with two adjoining circumstances. Firstly, the conflict with the system is clear to almost every inhabitant of the Soviet Union, and later in Russia, the discourse “little man against the state” is our common place.

Secondly, it is also connected with the fact that the vertical, directive power has blurred our personal boundaries for decades. For example, in contrast to the inhabitants of many other countries, who have very clear personal boundaries, we do not always realize where we end and our partner, our child, our parents, our neighbors, street, district, city, country, etc. e. Everything is a little blurry - and in this blurring, an encroachment on even some very distant parts of "myself" can be offensive. It seems that it was this kind of resentment experienced by those who took offense at Urs Fischer's "Big Clay No. 4": "we were not asked, as always" and put an unexpected-looking monument in a prominent place on the embankment.

Finally, we can deal with the “ordinary”, personal resentment against another person, which, of course, in the public field easily grows to the forms listed above - and here is the time to talk about how the resentment works.

Imagine a situation where a young man Andrey has arranged a date with a girl Dasha, whom he has been dating for a month now: Andrey feels sympathy for Dasha and feels that she likes him too. Once again, they planned a date, Andrey found time in his busy work schedule and even rescheduled a couple of work meetings, but ... the girl did not come, belatedly writing that her cat was sick and she had to go with him to the veterinarian. Andrey was offended by Dasha: he crumples the phone in his hands and tries to either write something nasty to her, or block her contact. What feelings does he experience at this moment and what should he do in this whole situation?

Resentment is a complex experience; Andrei had expectations associated with Dasha, and, importantly, Dasha has already become a significant person for him. Expectations were not justified; maybe Andrey thinks it's not about the cat. And then, on the one hand, Andrey is angry and expects Dasha to ask him for forgiveness at least for the late warning, and on the other hand, the young man may feel shame, because it seems to him that the girl gave him a signal that he seemed to not very cool, not very important in her life - certainly not more important than a cat. Andrew is hurt. What should he do? Certainly not to write nasty things to Dasha and not add to the black list, right?

Andrey should admit that Dasha did not want to offend him, and admit that if he was offended, then the girl became significant to him. And that's okay. Yes, the young man is vulnerable to her and runs the risk of finding out that the truth may not be in the cat, but sometimes this is enough to stop being offended and talk. If people are dear to each other, it is easier for them to apologize, to say: "I'm sorry" - regardless of the reality of guilt.

Andrey should also carefully examine his expectations: what were they? For example: “She likes me, she loves me, I’m more important to her than any cat, I canceled my meeting for the sake of meeting her, and it’s fair if she does the same for me - she will call, not write. Or maybe even ask to come if it really is about the cat. Andrey should admit that these expectations or part of them are only his. Suppose later he finds out that Dasha and her beloved cat Voldemort have been together for five years, and he was there when the girl was going through the death of a close friend, and she really had to go to the veterinarian suddenly - here, probably, the young man will have to come to terms with what else -for a while the cat in Dasha's life will be a deservedly more important figure, but simply important - always.

Finally, if this doesn't help Andrey, he should think about why he continues to be offended by Dasha. Resentment can be convenient - for example, if Dasha feels guilty, then Andrei can receive especially tender attention from her next time. Or, instead of a date, Andrei may feel entitled to meet friends, to whom he would not have gone without resentment towards Dasha. Sometimes resentment is another special way to stay in a relationship. It is as if it is impossible to express one's anger openly, but Andrei does not want or cannot leave.

To sum up, resentment arises where anger cannot be directly expressed: we are wounded by some significant person for us, and it is difficult for such people to express anger. Resentment can be very informative: if you look closely, you can find your expectations, your vulnerability, what you should expect and not expect from another. And also - to understand why resentment is convenient for you, and to ask yourself why the same thing does not work out without it.

In general, we are dealing with a whole range of socio-psychological phenomena, and even by everyday “resentment” we often understand a rather complex set of experiences. The main thing to remember is that if resentment occupies a large place in your life, please seek psychological help from specialists.

A new fad has gripped the planet: as if it has become fashionable to be offended by everyone and everything. Here are just a few insults of the last time, which the editors recalled for example:

Russian women were offended by Manizha, performing at Eurovision;
the Gucci family resented the "House of Gucci";
the “feelings of believers” quite abstractly outlined in the law were offended by quite specific cases, which seemed to many to be quite innocent;
director Bogomolov was offended by the "new ethics" - and it seems that this was mutual;
Muscovites were offended by Urs Fischer's "Big Clay No. 4" - so intensely that the resentment splashed out far beyond the capital;
many were offended by QR codes;
vaxers resented anti-vaxers and vice versa;
Finally, almost everyone was offended by the coronavirus, although the coronavirus did not take offense at anyone and simply continued to carry out its fairly understandable evolutionary program.

The main thing about resentment in questions and answers

Did people really become more touchy or did they start taking offense in public?
Is this something generational?
How does resentment work?
What should I do with my resentment?
I am being ignored, what should I do?
And if they take offense at me?
How to talk tactfully with a very touchy friend?
Is it necessary to share a public insult?
How to "take offense" and express your feelings?

Have people really become more touchy, or have they started taking offense in the public arena?

People both remain the same and change along with society and the environment. We live in a social media world where the personal agenda becomes public and any opinions are expressed publicly and may offend someone. If we talk about the generational trend, it seems that young people, on the one hand, have become freer, and strive to be who they are, to have a place, to be recognized in society. At the same time, the boundary between “I can declare myself” and “what they can tell me” seems to be not yet clear, and then there is a lot of space for resentment.

So this is some kind of generational thing?

It is important not to forget that for the last year and a half we have been living in a changed world. This is a separate topic, but the old world of certainty is largely lost to us. At the same time, it is impossible to be aware of anxiety, loss, fear, and helplessness all the time — and since the beginning of the pandemic, it either goes into the background, then returns, already in some new form. Let's just say we live in chronic stress. And we react "fight, run or freeze." Somehow it doesn’t work out especially well - the whole world is experiencing the same disturbing instability. And, if you don’t freeze, the “hit” reaction remains. People quarrel, attack each other, defend themselves. In general, it is no longer so important what they are offended by - masks, vaccinations, or something else - we have no shortage of news.

The older generations have the hardest time of all: they have experienced a lot and gone through a lot of uncertainty; the information field fuels their feeling that the familiar world is being attacked, it is collapsing. And it hurts.

Okay, how does resentment work?

Resentment is associated with a sense of injustice. At the same time, the one who offended must be significant, the action must be quite sudden, and expectations must be deceived. Resentment persists while we wait for a person (in his place may be society) to admit that he did something wrong and apologize. Resentment is an emotional cocktail of anger that cannot be expressed, woundedness, even shame - the one who offended us, as it were, hints that we can be ignored. And here we want to restore our significance so that the other feels guilty. Direct revenge or retreat is not possible.

Well, if I get offended with someone, what should I do with my resentment? It's a shame!

As in the example with Andrey, imagine that the other person did not want to offend you on purpose. Note that this is a significant person for you. If you really care about each other, it will be easier for you to apologize and forgive.

Try to admit that your unfulfilled expectations are only yours. The other might not be aware of these expectations and feelings. If this is a loved one, ask him if he knew about them?

If you continue to be offended, think, why do you need it? Perhaps this thought alone will sharply reduce the severity of your feelings.

In addition, resentment can give you information, but what should not be expected from the offender? And if over and over again you continue to expect unrealizable things from this person and get offended, here, too, a good field for self-examination appears - and what does this resentment give you? Maybe being offended is the only way for you to get the attention of the offender, or the support of those to whom you complain about him.

And if I'm offended by someone big, with whom you can't just talk so easily - Sobyanin, Fischer, the Moscow authorities, the coronavirus - then what to do? The mayor does not respond to me, the coronavirus does not.

Again, assume that you were not meant to offend. Usually this "big" either doesn't care about you, or they do what fits into their own ideas about usefulness, beauty, etc. - and these ideas do not match yours. Maybe you can see the situation differently?

The big thing is that in dealing with him you often feel helpless, small and weak. At the same time, you can fight something from the “big public” - do not wait for someone to do it for you. But somewhere you have to come to terms with your helplessness and switch to what you can really do.

If you catch yourself blaming everything around you, get into it emotionally, it seems to you that you are being bullied — stop, look — what is happening to you at that moment?

You may be very anxious. For example, it is impossible to be angry with a virus, but you can be angry with the authorities that make decisions about a lockdown or vaccination. Share your anxiety with someone, ask for support, think about what you can do for yourself. The simplest things are the most powerful. Walk, eat, sleep, hug other people. Take care of those around you.

And if it seems important to you to fight, do what you can. But do not hang in this fight all the time, get out of the constant flow of negative information.

Perhaps something is happening or not happening in your own life, there is dissatisfaction in it, which is expressed in resentment against the big public?

If so, it is worth turning from the public to the private. To a life in which there is a responsible person - you. Then it turns out that there is no one to blame, and it is you who are able to make sure that love, justice, meaning, satisfaction and recognition appear in your life.

What if they take offense at me?

Depends on who is offended and what you want to do about it. If there is your specific fault in the fact that you were offended, try to admit it, especially if you love the offended one - you can always apologize and talk to him. But in general, it is impossible to make sure that no one is offended by you, leave others the right to their experiences. If you always feel guilty with someone, it may be a destructive relationship. Again, this is not a reason to blame the one who is offended in response, but a reason to try to figure out this situation with a psychologist.

How to talk tactfully with a very touchy friend? He is constantly offended by me, and it’s difficult for me?

If a person is dear to you and takes offense at you, it means that you are important to him. If you do not offend him on purpose, see what happens to you when a friend is offended? Do you feel guilty? Responsible for his mood? Are you offended by the answer? Or maybe angry? It is important to note and be aware of this in order not to fall into chronic guilt, in order to understand whether you want to do something at all in this situation, do you want to talk with this friend and express your feelings?

How to do it? For example, like this: “Listen, I'm at a loss, it's hard for me when you are offended. I didn't mean to hurt you." Refrain from blaming back. And, perhaps, you will be able to talk, and this conversation will get you out of this situation. Sometimes it is enough to say that a person is important to you, you are sorry if you offended him with something.

Remember that people sometimes become touchy in a state of chronic stress, against the background of some events, fatigue, depression. And if you can give support to your friend, give it. But sometimes touchiness is just a feature of character and behavior, and your friend will have to deal with this on his own. Leave him that right.

Everyone around me is offended by something public, and I kind of involuntarily get involved in it. How should I react to this?

We are social beings and emotionally connect to what is going on around us. We can sympathize with those who suffer and are offended, our sense of justice can be hurt by external circumstances, and finally, we can feel helpless in front of big processes and people.

We can also connect through shame and guilt: not taking part in protecting the offended, we may feel guilty for inaction. In a good way, this is excess stress, which is enough in private life. If it’s hard for you, you should minimize the flow of information, unsubscribe from especially emotional people if their public statements on social networks turn you on. Do what you can for yourself in the public arena if that matters to you, but don't forget about your life, do what you can and where you can see results. If it doesn’t work at work, do it in a sport or hobby. It is important. Take care of loved ones, ask for support from them, hug a loved one. Ultimately, we cannot control everything and participate in everything - it is important to understand this and take care of ourselves.

What is the right way to “take offense” and express your feelings?

If there is no obvious insult in your direction, always assume that no one wanted to offend you. Sometimes, when emotions are overwhelmed, it is important to step aside, calm down, understand what is happening to you, and try to put yourself in the place of another person.

Learn more

Friend is holding a grudge against me

Why We Hold Grudges + What to Do When Someone Has a Grudge Against You

Read this next

Why We Hold Grudges + What to Do When Someone Has a Grudge Against You

Read this next

Offended by you: how to react?

The Sword in the Stone movie

Georgia Cool movie

Comments (49):

Related materials:

Resentment: what it is and how to let it go

The main thing about resentment in questions and answers

Have people really become more touchy, or have they started taking offense in the public arena?

So this is some kind of generational thing?

Okay, how does resentment work?

Well, if I get offended with someone, what should I do with my resentment? It's a shame!

And if I'm offended by someone big, with whom you can't just talk so easily - Sobyanin, Fischer, the Moscow authorities, the coronavirus - then what to do? The mayor does not respond to me, the coronavirus does not.

What if they take offense at me?

How to talk tactfully with a very touchy friend? He is constantly offended by me, and it’s difficult for me?

Everyone around me is offended by something public, and I kind of involuntarily get involved in it. How should I react to this?

What is the right way to “take offense” and express your feelings?