Fear of getting too close to someone

Afraid Of Getting Close? Why People Fear Intimacy

Why is it so hard to get close to people? When it comes to relationships and friendships, so many of us struggle to build intimate connections. It’s not always easy to figure out what, exactly, is holding you back.

Fear of intimacy is a common challenge for people of all ages. It can come from several sources and can make it challenging to build meaningful relationships. If you struggle with a fear of intimacy or find it hard to get close to people, you are not alone. However, intimate relationships are healthy, so all of us need to understand and overcome those fears.

This article will tell you all about some of the common causes of the fear of intimacy, signs to recognize in a partner or friend, and what you can do to overcome your difficulties with intimacy.

Fear of Intimacy is More Common Than You Think

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Where Does A Fear Of Intimacy Come From?

To start, it’s important to note that intimacy looks different for everyone. There are many different kinds of intimacy, including familial, friendly, romantic, and sexual — and everyone experiences each of them in their own way. So, we can’t say that the fear of intimacy is rooted in a single cause.

However, to help you better understand your feelings, here are a few potential reasons people experience a fear of intimacy.

Fear Of Abandonment

A deep-rooted fear of loss or abandonment is one of the most common reasons why people fear intimacy. Love and intimacy are associated with the risk of loss, which can be hard for someone who has experienced loss or abandonment in the past.

The fear of abandonment can stem from many sources. A significant loss or abandonment in childhood could lead to a subconscious fear of being abandoned as an adult. To overcome a fear of intimacy, it might help talk through the sources of your anxiety about loss or abandonment with a trusted friend or counselor.

Past Trauma

Trauma in a person’s past or childhood can often lead to a fear of intimacy in adulthood.

The loss of a loved one, especially at a young age, might trigger a fear of intimacy — again, because of that deep-rooted fear of being abandoned or losing someone again. Sexual assault and abuse in childhood can also lead to a serious fear of intimacy over time. The fear of being controlled or manipulated by a partner is common in survivors of abuse.

Healing from past trauma is never easy. It takes time and often professional help. Overcoming a fear of intimacy can be an essential step in recovery as it allows survivors to build meaningful, supportive, and intimate relationships in the future.

Fear Of Rejection

A fear of intimacy can also stem from a fear of rejection. This is common in people afflicted by social anxiety — if you have social anxiety, you might be highly sensitive to criticism and rejection. That sensitivity can lead to a fear of intimacy.

Rejection does hurt, as do loss and abandonment. However, people who avoid intimacy to prevent the sting of rejection often find that same pain in other sources. Building intimacy is essential, and intimate relationships can help to boost self-confidence and reduce social anxiety. So, overcoming the fear of intimacy can actually help you to overcome the fear of rejection in time.

Fear Of Intimacy Signs

Do you think a partner, friend, or loved one is struggling with a fear of intimacy? If so, it may benefit the two of you to seek counseling together.

Here are some common fear of intimacy signs to give you an idea of what to watch for in a partner who might be struggling with a fear of intimacy.

Trust Issues

Intimacy issues can often manifest as trust issues in a relationship. Someone who is socially anxious, worried about losing their partner or being abandoned, or afraid of intimacy might struggle to trust their partner.

Signs of trust issues can include episodes of anger, setting strict “rules” in a relationship, difficulty letting people into the relationship (new friends, family members, etc. ), and frequent accusations of disloyalty. While these actions might be a manifestation of a fear of intimacy, they can still be very hard on a relationship and cause stress. Professional therapy is the best way to work through trust issues and to overcome intimacy problems.

Fear Of Sex

A fear of intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean fear of sex. Sex and intimacy are not the same — while intimacy is often sexual, many different kinds of intimate relationships do not involve sexual feelings.

That said, if someone is afraid of getting sexually close, it could stem from a fear of intimacy. For many people, sexual connections open the door to the fear of rejection and abandonment or trigger past trauma memories.

Overcoming a fear of sex is never something that should be pushed or enforced by a partner. Building trust, closeness, and intimacy in a relationship may help someone work through a fear of sexual intimacy, but it always takes time. Again, professional counseling can be a huge help.

Over-Reliance On Sex

Fear of intimacy can also look like an over-reliance on sexual relationships. Someone who fears emotional intimacy might emphasize the sexual aspect of the relationship, as it can feel like a safer ground than emotional closeness.

The lines between a sexual and a romantic relationship are not always clear, and it can be confusing, especially for someone who has a fear of intimacy. Don’t be afraid to talk openly with your partner about how you each view your relationship and what you expect from each other. One of the best ways to work through a fear of intimacy in the early stages is with honest communication.

Fear Of Intimacy Scale

Curious about the level of intimacy in your relationship? You might have heard of the fear of intimacy scale.

The fear of intimacy scale is a 35-question test designed by professional psychologists to test the fear of intimacy in a relationship and show people the scale or “level” of their fear of intimacy. It helped researchers come to a better understanding of the causes and symptoms of the fear of intimacy, as well as helping patients address their own intimacy problems.

You can find the test online if you are curious about taking it. However, it’s important to remember that this scale was developed in the early ’90s and doesn’t account for modern relationships' dimensions. You should also remember that, while self-administered tests can help you to understand your feelings, it is impossible to diagnose yourself from a mental health standpoint.

If you want to professionally address your fear of intimacy, the best thing you can do is talk to a licensed therapist, either online or in person.

Why We Need Intimacy

Fear of Intimacy is More Common Than You Think

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So, why is it so important to overcome our fears and establish intimate connections?

Research suggests that intimacy is beneficial to your mental and physical health. Intimacy doesn’t just feel good — it’s good for you. Strong, healthy, intimate relationships and friendships can help to boost self-confidence, provide support and stability through difficult times, and improve your overall wellbeing. People who fear intimacy ultimately will have a harder time building personal and professional relationships.

Considering all that, a fear of intimacy isn’t something to be taken lightly. We all need intimate connections in our life, in one form or another. Intimacy issues can actually be harmful in the long run.

But fear of intimacy does not mean that you will never be able to overcome your anxieties or that you will never be able to build intimate relationships — not at all! So many of us feel like we push people away or can’t get close. It’s common, and it’s totally possible to overcome those fears. Addressing fear of intimacy signs in yourself and recognizing them in others is an essential step toward growth and emotional well-being.

You Can Always Get Help

If you are worried that you push people away, feel like you can’t get close to people, or are anxious about relationships and making new connections, you are not alone. These feelings are experienced by people of all ages, all around the world. They can be challenging, but they can be overcome with time.

There is never any shame in getting help or talking to a professional about your fear of intimacy. Consider getting in touch with a licensed therapist — they’ll be able to help you understand the source of your fears and get started on the road to overcoming them.

We are all afraid of getting close from time to time. But intimacy and close relationships are essential to our mental, physical, and emotional health. Don’t hesitate to seek help if you are struggling to build those intimate bonds.

How to Overcome Fear of Getting Too Close to Someone

When you begin a relationship, you might feel vulnerable. But overcoming fear of intimacy is possible.

Share on PinterestBeing afraid of getting too close to someone is common, and it can be managed. (Antoine Rouleau/Getty Images)

If you’re afraid of getting too close to someone, you’re not alone. It’s a common feeling.

Emotional wounds can stay with you for a while, even if you don’t always notice them. They can make you avoid situations that could lead you to experience that pain again.

When you hold people at arm’s length to avoid getting hurt, you might be living with a fear of intimacy. Uncovering why you’re afraid of intimacy can be the first step toward coping.

Intimacy is a personal connection with someone who makes you feel secure, supported, and bonded. The connection suggests you’ve developed a close tie to another person.

Many people assume intimacy occurs mostly at the sexual level, but most literature agrees there are at least four types of intimacy:

intellectual: bonding through ideas, morals, beliefs, thoughts, and opinions
emotional: a sense of trust that allows for expression of personal and private feelings and vulnerability
experiential: connecting through activities, life experiences, or mutual interests
physical and sexual: sharing romantic and physical touching or closeness

Fear of intimacy can involve all areas of closeness, but it can all come down to emotional intimacy for many people.

Brenda Wade, a nationally recognized relationship expert and a practicing psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area, says people who live with a fear of intimacy are often fearful of being emotionally hurt.

They may be worried that someone will discover their “dark secret” — like their belief that they aren’t good enough, for example, or fear that the person will leave them when they’re already emotionally invested, Wade adds.

Fear of intimacy and emotional unavailability: The same?

Fear of intimacy and emotional unavailability share many similarities and can overlap, Wade says. Also, one can be the byproduct of the other.

The primary difference, though, comes down to the underlying causes of fear.

A person emotionally unavailable is often afraid of losing their independence or sense of self, so they don’t get emotionally invested in the relationship.

Fear of intimacy can come from avoiding emotional distress after being abandoned, heartbroken, or disappointed.

Relationships can move quickly from joyful to stressful when you live with a fear of intimacy.

Initially, you might feel comfortable when your connection isn’t close enough to cause concern. At this stage, you might enjoy the social aspects of a new friend or partner.

But as the bond strengthens, signs of intimacy fear can surface.

You may experience:

skepticism when you’re given a compliment or they express love for you
suspicion of your partner’s relationship motives
emotional outbursts or relationship cycles
signs of self-sabotage
withdrawal from physical contact
decline in effective communication

Outside of a relationship, signs you might be living with the fear of intimacy can include:

history of serial dating
emotional urgency to be perfect and lovable to all
inability to express your needs or feelings openly
discomfort when someone expresses needs or feelings
signs of low self-esteem

Fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment: The same?

Fear of intimacy can also involve feeling abandoned, but fear of abandonment or separation anxiety isn’t the same as fearing intimacy.

A fear of intimacy can prevent you from allowing people to become close — emotionally isolating you to avoid feeling hurt.

The fear of abandonment can do the opposite. It can push you into quick attachments, sometimes keeping you in unhealthy relationships because your greatest concern is preventing the other person from leaving.

Jason Polk, a clinical social worker, relationship coach, and the owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery in Denver, says the fear of intimacy is a self-protective mechanism.

“This reflex is found more in an anxious-ambivalent attachment style,” he says. “The developmental trauma from this is usually an experience of abandonment growing up.”

Attachment style is how you relate to other people or your relationship patterns. Psychoanalyst John Bowlby first developed the concept in the 1950s.

Bowlby said adult relationships are based on early childhood interactions with primary caregivers. Anxious-ambivalent attachment style is one of four Bowlby and his colleagues outlined.

Anxious-ambivalent attachment style develops when you receive inconsistent care during childhood. For example, having an attentive parent one minute and indifferent the next. This can result in a need for attention, insecurity, and anxiety.

But attachment style isn’t the only factor contributing to fear of intimacy.

Clinical psychologist Hüdanur Akkuzu of Istanbul says repeat behaviors or experiences throughout life that encourage someone to feel unworthy of love can contribute to intimacy fear later.

Also, fear of intimacy can be caused by trauma and mental health conditions, such as avoidant personality disorder or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

If you feel you live with the fear of intimacy or notice some of the above signs in yourself, these tips may help.

Consider professional guidance

Wade, Akkuzu, and Polk recommend speaking with a mental health professional.

“In order to overcome the fear of becoming attached to someone, you must first look at your own history and the subconscious patterns you have developed,” says Wade.

“This is where you need to work with a qualified professional to work through it because these are complex and sometimes deep-seated issues that need to be carefully and gently examined, confronted, and healed,” she adds.

Professional support can help you work through your emotions and find ways to cope with them.

You can learn more about therapy options if you can’t afford a professional.

Try to work on your self-esteem

You don’t have to live with poor self-esteem to benefit from working on self-love.

When you live with the fear of intimacy, you may feel as if you don’t deserve love or care in a relationship, Akkuzu says.

Focusing on building your confidence, developing your interests, and increasing self-worth can help.

Here are some options to help:

positive journaling
staying active and exercising
exploring your creative energy
joining a goal-oriented sport or hobby
working through signs of impostor syndrome in relationships

Learning to reparent yourself can help

Reparenting is about giving yourself the care and support you might not have received as a child.

“You can have a conversation with that younger part of you, the part that experienced the abandonment growing up, and gently say to that part, ‘This was not your fault. I see you, I love you, and I can take it from here,’” says Polk.

This approach can keep you in your adult-self mindset, the part of you that knows and wants to work through the fear of intimacy, he explains.

Try to cultivate your self-worth ownership

Another tactic Polk recommends is actively acknowledging that you — not others, including your partner — have ownership of your self-worth. You can try reminding yourself, through verbal or written affirmations, that your relationship isn’t a reflection of your value as a human being.

“You overcome this fear by remembering your inherent self-worth,” Polk says. “For example, say to yourself, ‘I have self-worth, my partner does not possess it; they can’t walk away with it. I can go after my wants and needs in this relationship regardless of what happens. ’”

This might help you feel more confident about getting close to someone else. They can control what they do and feel, but not what you do and feel, and vice versa.

The fear of intimacy often comes after experiencing emotional distress in relationships, even the early ones.

Getting too close to another person can mean exposing your vulnerabilities — emotional hotspots where you could be hurt. But intimacy can also offer you support, understanding, and a sense of connection.

Speaking with a mental health professional can help you explore why you may be afraid of getting close to others and help you build skills to encourage confidence and self-love.

Phobias: symptoms and causes

Phobia is a strong fear that cannot be controlled and rationally explained.

If ordinary fear can be explained logically and thus get rid of it, then phobias are irrational and often occur along with panic attacks. Fighting a phobia is very difficult, since the cause of its occurrence is often difficult to explain, but timely consultation with a psychotherapist can solve this problem and save a person from uncontrollable experiences and unpredictable actions.

The irrationality of a phobia lies in the fact that a person's fear of a certain object or phenomenon does not correspond to the actual danger. For example, a huge, aggressive dog is a threat, and the fear for health and life in this case is rational, but a miniature lapdog in a leash and in a muzzle, which evokes similar emotions, defies explanation. Fear of a dog can be overcome with logical arguments (the owner of the dog is nearby and assures you of its friendliness), but if no one and nothing can calm you down and panic sets in, then this is already a phobia.

The symptoms of any kind of phobia are similar and resemble those of a panic attack:

strong heartbeat;
breathing difficulties, choking;
dry mouth;
increased blood pressure;
discomfort in the stomach and nausea;
chest pain or pressure;
shiver;
dizziness;
increased sweating;
weakness in the legs;
a feeling of unreality of what is happening or of oneself.

The main causes of phobias

Experts identify the following causes of inexplicable fear - biological, genetic, psychological, social.

Biological and hereditary factors

The lack of a certain acid in the body (gamma-aminobutyric acid), which has a sedative effect, leads to an increase in fear and anxiety, which in turn contributes to the risk of phobias. The reasons for the decrease in the amount of this acid can be brain injuries, long-term use of drugs and psychotropic drugs, stress and depression.

In addition, the cause of phobias may be a genetic factor. If one of the parents suffers from a phobic disorder, then the risk of developing a phobia in a child is very high. However, what exactly influenced this, hereditary predisposition or certain behavior of a relative, it is difficult to say.

Social causes

Most often, the emergence of phobias contributes to the influence of external factors, especially various events of a shocking nature that occurred in childhood. It is the psychological traumas of childhood: insect or animal bites, loss of loved ones or prolonged separation, negative experience of swimming or indoors, and the like that usually grow into unpredictable fears.

Psychological factors

Some phobic disorders and panic attacks are not traceable to any trauma or event, in which case the causes are often hidden in the subconscious. Incorrect explanation of any words or actions, an incorrect view of current and future events, infringement of characteristic features and other psychological problems can also affect the occurrence of phobias.

Certain fears appeared in the process of evolution, for example, the fear of open space has its roots in the distant past, when there was a danger of attack by wild animals in an unprotected place.

Social causes

The appearance of social phobias can be facilitated by excessively strict upbringing or criticism of parents, inadequate assessment by adults of the events taking place with the child, unsuccessful experience of communicating with peers or the opposite sex.

Thus, traumatic situations, affecting the fragile psyche or hereditary predisposition, as well as social and financial situation, contribute to the emergence and development of various phobias.

Types of phobias

Currently, experts distinguish about 400 types of irrational fear. The systematization of phobias is a rather difficult process, since here it is necessary to take into account the factors of their appearance and development, signs and methods of treatment. Let us dwell on the most popular way of distinguishing varieties of phobias - according to the plot of fear, i.e., according to the object that causes such strong emotions.

Fear of certain situations

This includes the strongest negative experiences from anticipation or being in a situation. Such phobias usually appear after experiencing intense fear in certain circumstances. This may be the fear of any type of transport (airplanes, ships, trains, etc. ), closed or open spaces, as well as the fear of loneliness, etc.

Social phobias

Here are collected all the fears associated with the pathological horror of being in front of other people: fear of speaking in public, unfamiliar society, exams, large crowds, and so on.

Fear of people

Inexplicable horror can be caused by people of a certain profession, nationality, status, gender, sexual orientation, age, appearance, etc.

Fear of disease (nosophobia)

Any sane person avoids disease by maintaining a healthy lifestyle, taking prescribed vitamins and medications on time, but for some, concern for their well-being goes beyond reasonable limits and develops into an irrational pursuit of health. More and more people in our time are subject to the fear of cancer (carcinophobia).

Thanatophobia

- fear of death. Probably, we are all afraid of dying to some extent, but thanatophobes experience constant panic and anxiety, which provokes the occurrence of neurosis and prolonged depression in them.

Fear of states

Any person experiences various emotions and understands that these experiences are natural. Some are so afraid of being in a certain state (impoverished, bankrupt, getting rich) that they experience panic attacks. This also includes the fear of experiencing certain emotions, the fear of old age, failure, etc.

Fear of action

The anticipation or performance of some action entails an inexplicable fear. It can be a fear of dancing, singing, cooking, studying, performing, and more.

Fear of places

We often avoid certain places where we once experienced negative emotions (morgue, night cemetery). People who are prone to this group of phobias, from the mere thought of some place (elevator, roof, church, theater) can experience horror and dizziness.

Fear of substances

A person with this disorder experiences uncontrollable panic to the point of insanity at the mention or sight of some substance. The most common phobias of this type are methylophobia (fear of alcohol), pharmacophobia (fear of drugs), amatophobia (fear of dirt) and cibophobia (fear of food).

Fear of objects

Fear of specific objects often arises after negative situations with these objects that have taken place in life (fear of sharp objects, mirrors, weapons, etc.). In addition, this type of phobia also includes fear of a certain color, size or shape of objects.

Zoophobia

A fairly large group of horror in front of a certain type of animal. Any person has a fear of wild or aggressive representatives of the animal world, but we are unlikely to experience horror in the zoo or at the mere thought of a certain animal.

Fear of mysticism

Many go into the world of mysticism, not finding themselves in ordinary real life. Fear of committing sin, God's punishment, fear of magicians, sorcerers, holy places - only a small part of the fertile mystical soil for the emergence of phobias.

Fear of natural phenomena

Horror and helplessness experienced before the destructive phenomena of nature is considered the result of genetic memory. Tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes are really dangerous, and so far man has not learned to fully cope with them. However, there are a huge number of phobias associated with quite ordinary and harmless phenomena: wind, snow, fog, moon, sunlight, water, and so on.

This is far from a complete classification of phobic disorders, since a person can experience panic and fear in front of any objects or phenomena, not only existing in life, but even imaginary.

Experienced psychotherapists will help you cope with any kind of phobias, the main thing is not to be ashamed of your problem and seek professional help in time.

what is counter-dependence and how to deal with it - T&P

Real intimacy always comes with great risk. This is her paradox: having close emotional ties is necessary for happiness, but no one can guarantee that one of them will not cause severe pain.

Sometimes it seems that too strong a feeling can absorb the personality of a lover, and sometimes we are paralyzed by the fear of being too dependent or losing someone who has become so dear. These doubts are quite normal as long as they do not interfere with building a fulfilling relationship - but in some cases they seize power over a person's life, forcing him to avoid strong feelings and attachments again and again. "Theories and Practices" talks about how counter-dependence arises and whether it can be overcome.

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Many stories of complex relationships involve a mysterious and controversial hero (or heroine). Such people make a good impression and show genuine sympathy for those who really hooked them, but when it comes to genuine emotional intimacy, yesterday's tender friend turns into a cold and aloof creature, seeking to increase the distance and refusing to recognize the importance of an already established relationship. He does not want to talk about personal topics and spends a lot of free time on activities and hobbies that are in no way connected with a partner, openly flirts with someone on the side, and in the most difficult cases, even avoids touching. Something obviously went wrong, but why and at what point?

Usually, partners of such characters tend to look for the cause in themselves, but most likely, this problem began long before they met. In one of the past educational programs, we already talked about codependency. Codependency is a violation of attachment, in which a person fixates on a partner and makes him the center of the universe. The ability to enter into close relationships with other people and at the same time remain self-sufficient, ensuring healthy social behavior in the future, is formed in early childhood - in the process of transition from psychological merging with the mother in infancy to separation from her at the age of 2-3 years. And if during this period the child receives a psychological trauma, these mechanisms can give a serious failure, which will also manifest itself in adulthood.

It is logical to assume that if there is one extreme - co-dependent people who lack self-sufficiency, there is another - those who have difficulty entering into close relationships. This type of disorder is commonly referred to as counterdependency or avoidance addiction. But it is worth remembering that attachment disorders are precisely a spectrum with different shades and degrees of manifestation of violations. There is no need to perceive codependence and counterdependence as a black and white dichotomy without nuances.

Angelina Chekalina,

Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Senior Researcher, Department of Personality Psychology, Faculty of Psychology, Moscow State University

I have terrible resistance to the very term “counterdependence” - as if with its help they took and balanced the other pole of “dependence”. And it turned out such a bipolar construct, on the one hand of which there is a complete merger and complete avoidance of intimacy - on the other, with a set of opposite behavioral manifestations. For example, according to the Weinholds, co-dependent behavior manifests itself in “vulnerability and vulnerability”, while counter-dependent behavior manifests itself in “strength and firmness”. And this classification raises a lot of questions for me. Indeed, in existential psychology and psychotherapy, the strength of the spirit is precisely expressed in the ability to accept one's weakness, one's imperfection, one's own capabilities and limitations.

At the heart of the desire to merge (co-dependent relationship) and to avoid intimacy is the same feeling - a person feels very vulnerable, he constantly feels threatened. Only this sense of threat is about something else. In the case of a co-dependent relationship, a person feels vulnerable, being alone with himself, he needs someone nearby to identify himself through the relationship. In fact, another person is needed in the function of a mirror in which one can reflect and understand "I am, I am good." Or, conversely, "I exist, but I'm bad. "

In the case of a counter-dependent relationship, there is another kind of vulnerability — the fear of being rejected, the fear of coming close and getting burned. Which, quite possibly, happened more than once in different relationships. It's really very scary - to come close to what threatens again. Can this be called strength and firmness? In my understanding, no. And it's also about giving up on yourself.

You can also look at the renunciation of one's own life in various forms from a slightly different angle. Living in the interests and needs of other people (or going to work) is sometimes an unconscious flight from getting closer to yourself. When you start to get closer to yourself, then a lot of emotions appear on the surface due to past traumatic experiences that are not experienced and repressed. There is no way to make it not hurt, both then and now. And so I want it not to hurt! And then any of these forms of behavior can be suitable for avoiding pain - either living in fusion or fleeing from intimacy.

What must happen for a person to show pronounced signs of counter-dependence by the age of consciousness? There is no single answer to this question, but different options are possible. The first is overly controlling parents who do not allow the baby to gain the desired independence. As a result, the child begins to associate close relationships with lack of freedom, pressure and fear of losing himself and "fixes" on defending his own independence. He continues to follow this model in adult relationships.

The second option is the opposite: the separation from the mother, on the contrary, happened too early, before the child was ready for it. Or he simply did not receive warmth and attention from one of the parents (or both). In this case, the relationship is associated with the pain of loss and possible rejection. This means that it is better not to become attached to anyone or leave your dear person first, before he rejects you himself. “As our clinical studies have shown,” write psychologists Berry and Janey Weinhold in the book “Escape from Intimacy”, currently the most famous foreign work on the topic of counterdependence, “the most common cause of codependency and counterdependence is developmental trauma, caused by barely a discernible disruption in the bond between parent and child, which implies a lack or absence of emotional attunement. If this disunity is not identified and overcome, a habit of isolation and indifference develops, which can have a serious impact on attitudes towards intimacy in adulthood.

Some psychologists also believe that the problem may be in the excessively emotional and unpredictable behavior of the parents (most often the mother; problems associated with counterdependence occur more often in men) - the child gets the impression that feelings and emotions always lead to dangerous chaos, so it's better to control them.

In addition, modern society encourages counter-dependency behavior—individuality is highly valued, young people learn to be (or at least look like) self-sufficient, strong, and reserved, and are often embarrassed to show vulnerability or admit that they need someone. In relationships, personal comfort becomes a priority, and serial monogamy seems to many to be a more viable option than the traditional family model.

In any case, nothing human is alien to avoidance addicts — deep down they are also afraid of loneliness. But they realize this fear much worse than their own fear of intimacy. And even more so, they do not understand its causes, which grow from childhood, because children always believe that their parents act from the best of intentions and tend to justify or displace negative experiences from memory.

Running in circles

Since people with counterdependence find it difficult to fulfill themselves in close relationships, they invest their energy with a vengeance in other areas of life (career or hobbies) and strive to make a good impression on those around them. It's hard to see the catch - at the initial stage of the relationship, the avoidant addict is really fascinated by his partner and tries very hard to please him. The problem arises later, when it is discovered that the person with attachment disorders is equally sincere in wanting to spend time together, looking at the stars and talking about everything in the world, and in the desire to escape or push the companion later, when everything goes too far.

"Too far" is a relative concept, and it is impossible to attach some formal milestone to it, such as a third date, getting to know your parents, or renting a house together. “Too far” for one may be where true intimacy has not yet begun for another. Someone may even get married, but even there maintain a certain emotional distance, while someone starts having an anxiety attack already in the second week of the relationship. The only criterion - and it is very subjective - at a certain stage, the counter-dependent person ceases to feel safe. This may be due to some real pressure from the partner - for example, the requirement to finally determine the status of the relationship. But not necessarily: in order to one day wake up in a cold sweat, it is enough for some to feel a little less self-sufficient than before. Too passionate a look, too sincere conversation, too sorry to part after a weekend spent together - and now you have one foot in the trap of feelings, which, as your subconscious mind tells you, will bring nothing but suffering. Therefore, it is better to assert your boundaries by pushing the satellite right now, before everything leads to disaster. Consciously, this whole logical chain, most often, is not tracked - a person feels inexplicable discomfort (violation of personal integrity, loss of himself, lack of freedom, feeling that someone absorbs his energy) and tries to somehow rationalize it, without getting to the bottom of the true essence of things .

For a partner, this is all the more painful, the less he was intrusive in reality - few people want to feel like an annoying admirer. A person prone to reflection will begin to doubt at this moment: “Have I made some mistake? Was I really too pushy?" Then everything depends on the readiness to fight for the obstinate object of feelings. Codependent people are drawn into such relationships more often because periodic rejection from a partner does not stop them - it answers their own unconscious fear of intimacy. As a result, the relationship turns into a cyclical process: feeling threatened, the counter-addict pushes the partner away, but, having run back to a safe distance, begins to miss him again. It’s hard for the partner, but, having again believed in his need, he returns - with the hope that he will no longer be pushed away.

But it is wrong to think that codependent and counterdependent people are bound to be together as a pair of opposites. There are cases when the same person in different respects shows the traits of either co-dependence or counter-dependence. Sometimes two people with codependency tend to enter into a relationship and one begins to overwhelm the other so much that he begins to learn to assert his personal space. Or a couple of independent and self-sufficient ones can organize a strong alliance, not burdened by excessive emotional closeness. In general, there are no universal scenarios and rigidly fixed constructions - although the well-known psychiatrist, the founder of modern addictology, Cesar Korolenko, noted in his works that love addicts and avoidance addicts are most often attracted to each other, regarding other people as "uninteresting".

The distance necessary for a person with counterdependence can be built in different ways. As a rule, he does not really like to talk about feelings - suddenly showing tenderness, he either withdraws into himself again, or hurries to reduce the degree of sentimentality with some sarcastic remark. In addition, he tries not to reveal himself too much in communication on other topics. He specifically limits the time spent with a significant person, and seeks to fill his life with various activities and hobbies, which, in which case, can distract him from too strong affection. Such people can cheat on a partner that suits them only in order to maintain "inner freedom" and feel the possibility of choice.

It is important to understand here that, unlike other “problem lovers”—perverted narcissists, for example—the person with counterdependence is not going to cold-bloodedly play with someone else’s feelings in order to amuse his ego. Although it is pleasant for him (like any normal person) to feel needed and loved, the constant pendulum "closer-further" for him is a forced attempt to sit on two chairs: not to lose someone who has already become dear, and at the same time not to fall into a frightening meat grinder uncontrollable feelings. But with some work on oneself (not without the help of a psychotherapist) and support from loved ones, the avoidance addict has a chance to correct the situation.

Possible Solutions

Being a serious problem, counterdependence is not an officially recognized mental disorder. The psychotherapist may assume that the patient has this problem, based on his own testimony or the testimony of his relatives. Here are the main signs of violation, compiled by psychologists Berry and Janey Weinhold:

• difficulty in getting close to people and maintaining closeness in intimate relationships

• tendency after the breakup of relationships to consider former partners bad or vicious

• Difficulties in handling feelings (other than anger and frustration)

• Fear of being controlled by others

• Habit of saying no to new ideas proposed by others

• Resisting intimacy attempts and feelings of anxiety in close relationships

• constant fear of making a mistake, wanting to be perfect and demanding the same from others

• refusal to help, even if you really need it

• fear that other people will turn away from you if you show your weaknesses and fears

• workaholism or being overly busy with hobbies, recreational activities, or other activities.

What should you do if you find counter-dependency traits in your partner and you think that this negatively affects the relationship? First, do not rely too much on self-diagnosis - before labeling, it is better to consult a family therapist. Secondly, you should honestly tell yourself what you want from this relationship. And if the current state of affairs does not suit you, you should not put up with it. A common advice on the Web is to try to keep the "elusive" by giving the impression that you do not claim anything and do not belong entirely to him. Emphasize your boundaries in every possible way, restrain sentimental impulses and live your busy life, limiting the number of meetings and manifestations of affection. Formally, these techniques are likely to work - the counter-addict has fewer reasons to run away from such a partner. But it is worth considering how long you can withstand such a game and what is the point of a relationship if you keep it this way.

Even if you believe that the person is "yours" and everything can work out, both should participate in saving the relationship - the partner should begin to realize the problem and agree to work on it. In this case, joint sessions with a psychotherapist can give a good result. If a partner refuses to admit that something is wrong with him, your single-handed efforts are unlikely to lead to a happy ending.

For those who come across a counter-dependent partner more than once, or in general you meet such characters with enviable regularity, it makes sense to go to a psychotherapist and figure it out with yourself - why do you like just such people?

Angelina Chekalina,

PhD in Psychology, Senior Researcher, Department of Personality Psychology, Faculty of Psychology, Moscow State University

If we proceed from the fact that counter-dependence is the impossibility for various reasons to be in close relationships, then such relationships will end. And sooner rather than later. If the question is about what I can do for another, the answer is nothing. Whatever you do, it will still not be the same. If the question is about what I can do for myself, then you should first ask yourself an unpleasant, but very honest question: “What keeps me close to a person with whom I don’t like relationships?” And look for an answer to it.

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