Ex wife boundaries

So Your Partner Has Unhealthy Boundaries With Their Ex Wife (or Husband)

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“HELP! My partner’s ex is ruining my relationship.” I’ve heard that cry for help more than one time for clients who are desperate to get their partner’s old relationship out of their current one. Although unhealthy boundaries (otherwise known as a lack of actual boundaries) happen most often when one member of the ex-couple is not re-partnered, making them more co-dependent, unhealthy boundaries with the ex wife can happen to anyone.

What Unhealthy Boundaries with an Ex Wife (or Husband) Look Like

While unhealthy bondaries can also be boundaries that are impossibly and inappropriate to enforce, such as the ex refusing to let dad have his phone call when you’re in the house or demanding your stepson not speak to you, more often than not the unhealthy boundaries are the nonexistent ones.

A lack of boundaries, or a set of incredibly unhealthy habits being exhibited by the ex —allowed by your partner — can include:

Incessant daily phone calls
Showing up to your house unannounced
Overreaching and trying to control what goes on in your home
Making last minute change to the custody schedule
Dictating what or how your involvement with your stepkids looks
Seeking advice or favors from your partner that are unrelated to their kids
Talking about their personal lives

Any of these sound familiar? If so, keep reading.

You might be worried that your partner’s unhealthy boundaries with their ex might be a symptom of a longing for what they left behind. But that’s rarely true. Your partner probably just finds it easier to “keep the peace” or “go with the flow” by complying. After all, that might be how they survived before you came along. Sometimes being controlled feels normal and easier when it’s how you’ve been functioning.

What percentage of divorced couples actually get back together?

The research says (although there’s not a lot of it) that only around 6% of couples who have divorced actually end up reuniting. So although your partner’s ex having a total lack of respect for boundaries can be incredibly damaging to your relationship, it likely won’t lead to their reconciliation.

The common denominators behind unhealthy boundaries between exes are:

One person is still too attached to let go of an aspect of the relationship, whether because they still want to be in the relationship or are simply too complacent and uncomfortable to figure out a new way.
The other person carries too much guilt or avoids conflict too much to put real and healthy boundaries in place.

How do you keep the ex-wife out of your relationship?

If you’re a stepmom, that unfortunately means your partner shares kids with their ex. That also means you’re kind of tied to him or her for life. But just because you can’t keep the ex out of your life, doesn’t mean you can’t keep them out of your relationship with your partner.

To do this, you need to communicate your needs to your partner, clearly state your limits, and set real, healthy boundaries you both commit to enforcing.

What are healthy boundaries?

I talk a little bit more in-depth about boundaries, what they are, and how to set them here, but let’s do the down and dirty short version now. In essence, boundaries are limits you set in order to protect yourself and your physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing. Boundaries look different for everyone, and they are fully within our own control to set and enforce.

Some examples of healthy boundaries include:

Not accepting verbal abuse.
Not having the capacity to do someone a favor.
Not wanting to spend hours of your day talk about the ex.
Not wanting to attend an event that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Preferring not to have the high-conflict ex in your home.

You can enforce these boundaries by:

Hanging up a phone or blocking the number.
Saying “no.”
Setting a timer.
Leaving a room.
Not attending an event.
Meeting the ex at a neutral location or outside of your home.

How do you establish boundaries with the ex?

When it comes right down to it, we have to take responsibility for the treatment we tolerate. Boundaries help with that, because they are completely within our control to enforce. When the unhealthy boundary involves your partner, the first step you need to take is to align with your partner about:

What crosses YOUR boundaries and why those things make you feel triggered or unsafe.
How they feel about the existing boundary — or lack thereof.
Why things are the way they are currently and whether they think it’s working well.
What actions they can take to help you feel better about the situation.
How you can both move forward in a way that honors each of your own personal values and beliefs.
Set boundaries you both agree on.
Set your own boundaries as an extra precaution.

That last one above is particularly important. Because above all, we cannot control what anyone else does. Our partners might agree to something, but in the moment they might make a different decision that honors their own values, safety, and comfort zone. If and when that contradicts yours, you need to have your own separate boundary in place so you can have full control over protecting yourself.

I know dealing with unhealthy boundaries with the ex can be one of the most stress-inducing parts of being a stepmom. But I also want you to remind yourself that your partner loves you, so even when they do or don’t do what you would — or what you want them to do — try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Ask yourself “why did they feel like they needed to” instead of “how could they.” Empathy always gets us farther than anger.

This is all MUCH easier said than done, and you don’t have to go at it alone. If you need help with unhealthy boundaries with the ex wife (or husband), my coaching door is always open.

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15 Types of Unhealthy Boundaries With Your Ex-wife

In This Article

It is unlikely that you will ever forget the moment when you knew that your marriage was over. Nothing prepares you for the pain that follows this realization. Of course, you want to stay friends whenever possible. Nevertheless, you don’t want unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife.

Learn about different types of unhealthy boundaries that you might have with your ex-wife and how you can fix these.

What are some unhealthy boundaries after divorce?

You generally know by instinct what unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife feel like because you’ll get frustrated or overwhelmed. Nevertheless, it’s easier to deal with boundaries once you know what they are and how to describe them.

It’s easy to imagine your physical or sexual space being violated. Although, your intellectual and emotional boundaries are slightly harder to define.

That’s why it’s important to know what healthy boundaries with your ex-spouse and stepfamilies look like. You do this by first setting goals for yourself. For example, when and how much time do you want to allocate to your ex?

Other ways to think of it include considering what would feel uncomfortable for you about sharing material possessions or even money? You’ll also want to think about what personal information you want to share with your ex. Remember that your new life isn’t any of their business anymore.

Although, everyone is different and every family has different needs. It seems that boundaries have changed over the last roughly 20 years. This paper on changes in stepfamily boundaries shows that stepparents are far more likely to include stepchildren more openly in their lives today.

You must be assertive when setting boundaries with an ex-spouse. Even if you know your goals, you’ll miss a trick if you can’t communicate them properly. Sometimes this takes practice with a friend or even a therapist to avoid falling into unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife.

Related Reading: Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship

Unhealthy relationships with ex-spouses

If you feel your skin crawl or your insides turn over when talking to your ex, you’ll instinctively know that you have unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife. Even if our logical minds can’t put words to experiences, our gut knows something’s wrong.

That’s a big reason for having emotions. Essentially, they’re messengers telling us to change something, whether ourselves or our situation. So, setting boundaries with your ex-wife means sitting with your emotions and tapping into what makes you feel comfortable.

Lack of boundaries with your ex-wife means ignoring your needs and wants. We all have needs and if we don’t honor them, we get tense, anxious and depressed. Ignoring or meeting our basic psychological needs impacts our behavior and experience.

3 ways your ex-wife is overstepping boundaries

As we’ve seen, there are various types of boundaries, but the following three listed below are the most common ones when it comes to relationships. Even overstepping one could lead to a deluge of unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife.

Don’t forget that your new wife and ex-wife boundaries are also important. If your ex-wife is violating your boundaries, there’s a chance that your new partner is starting to get sucked in. This will strain any relationship.

Reflect on these and consider what you might want to change.

1. Emotional confidences

If your ex is constantly contacting you to criticize you about how you’re taking care of the children, you’re experiencing unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife. It’s that simple.

Emotional boundaries are all about your feelings and how much personal information you want to share. That includes your views on life and parenting.

Then again, if your boyfriend has no boundaries with his ex-wife, you might also notice that she either invalidates his feelings or continuously talks at him down the phone.

Related Reading: How to Improve Your Self-Confidence in the Relationships?

2. Sexual innuendos

The most apparent and confusing unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife are when she’s too flirtatious. People sometimes regret the breakup and they’ll do anything to destroy your new relationship. In those cases, it’s perfectly normal if your new wife is insecure about your ex-wife.

Although, remember that it isn’t your job to fix your ex. It is your job to create an honest and fulfilling relationship with your new partner. So, you’ll have to prioritize and clarify the sexual innuendos and lines.

3. Physical invasion

Another typical example of possible unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife is when your personal space is violated. So, she could be turning up at your house unannounced or, even worse, letting herself in with the keys.

Ex-wife boundaries have to be clearly defined and all keys taken back. Moreover, it’s completely ok to tell someone to give you space and not stand or sit too closely. After all, the sexual boundary quickly overlaps with the physical one.

15 harmful habits with your ex-wife

Tragically, if your husband has no boundaries with his ex-wife, he probably learned his unhealthy habits from childhood. They’re also usually linked to low self-esteem that a narcissist or codependent parent could have exacerbated.

This doesn’t excuse poor boundaries, but it does mean that it’s possible to feel some empathy when people portray examples of overstepping boundaries. Nevertheless, experiencing unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife will leave you feeling drained, confused and frustrated.

Instead, look out for these habits so that you can work to re-establish them or walk away:

1. Manipulation through children

You have to stop and think when your current partner turns around and says to you, “your ex-wife is ruining our relationship.” As you’ll see from this list, there are many possible reasons for this statement.

Although, one of the worst things is when your ex-wife tries to manipulate you through the children. Even if your current partner has accepted that you have children and taken them under her wing, so to speak, there’s nothing worse than feeling ostracized by the “other woman” in the relationship.

Related Reading: How to Recognize and Handle Manipulation in Relationships

2. Disrespecting schedules

Healthy boundaries with your ex-spouse and stepfamilies mean that everyone respects each other’s time. We all have busy lives and last-minute changes are usually difficult to handle. So, they’re kept in the ’emergency only’ bucket.

On the flip side, if you’re seeing unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife, you might be getting last-minute calls to pick up the kids, for example, suddenly. You might also still be in your divorce proceedings and your ex blind-sides you with a new request for the severance package.

3. Judging your new partner

You might have happily moved onto your new life with your new partner while still being friends with your ex. Don’t underestimate that if you’re still friends, you’ll have years of history and closeness that no one can quite match.

In such cases, you might be surprised if your new wife is insecure about your ex-wife. Is your ex judging your new wife? And have you explained to her why you broke up? It’s so easy to plant the seeds of doubt.

4. Inappropriate calling times

Other examples of overstepping boundaries include when your ex constantly calls you, especially in the middle of the night. Of course, you could sympathize with them if the roof starts leaking at 3 am. Regardless, it isn’t your job to fix their issues anymore.

The hardest part of dealing with someone who has porous boundaries is noticing how lost they are on their own. Perhaps they’ve never had to look after themselves before and yes, the adjustment will be hard but you can’t fix everyone. So, avoid unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife.

Related Reading: How Your Cell Phone Is Destroying Your Marriage and Relationships

5. Demanding favors

Sometimes when we break up, we forget that the other person is no longer there to support us. That can be a trigger for unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife. Essentially, they’re so used to coming to you for help that asking for excessive favors seems normal.

Nevertheless, developing such an unhealthy relationship with your ex-wife will put you under a lot of pressure. You’ll be controlled with none of the benefits of a partnership.

6. Stalking

Some of the most extreme examples are when exes seem invariably to turn up where you are, supposedly by mistake. They could be doing this by stalking you on social media or stalking you. That’s why setting boundaries with an ex-spouse is so critical.

7. Emotional outbursts

People with porous boundaries need external validation for various reasons. They could be people-pleasers, codependents or even narcissists. These people are prone to outbursts because they don’t tend to learn emotional management.

Dealing with examples of unhealthy boundaries coming from toxic people is much harder. Often, they don’t or can’t listen to the structure you’re trying to lay down. In those cases, it’s best to limit contact to a minimum to protect your mental health.

Related Reading: How to Overcome Emotional Repression in Your Relationship

8. Over-helping with chores

Habits are hard to change because they become wired in the motor part of our brains that works without us thinking about it. You might still go around to your ex’s house to fix a tap or bring them a home-cooked meal because they’re an ER doctor.

The tell-tale sign something is wrong usually comes when your current partner says to you, “your ex-wife is ruining our relationship.” When you pause and reflect on those habits that seem normal to you but not to anyone else. Exes have to learn to live on their own.

Related Reading: How to Divide Household Chores Fairly in Marriage

Watch this video if you want to know more about the science of habits:

9. So-called crisis support

Another typical sign of someone with poor boundaries is when everything is an emergency. They call you and the world is collapsing around them yet again. Instead, a grounded person knows how to assess a situation with perspective.

On the flip side, examples of boundaries with your ex could be that you only talk to each other at the appointed times. You only meet at necessary events for the kids or large friends’ gatherings if you still have the same friends. Everyone is cordial and keeps the appropriate space.

Related Reading: Supporting Your Partner Through Crisis or Trauma

10. Emotional manipulation

An unhealthy relationship with your ex-wife often involves some form of manipulation. Either your boundaries are too porous and she’s trying to control or you’re controlling her.

Whatever the balance, examples include flattery, lying, and generally using the other person’s insecurities against them. Either way, you’ll feel empty and full of anger and sadness.

11. Dismissing parenting style

Setting boundaries with your ex-wife is particularly critical if you have children. Not only can they end up in the middle but they don’t want to hear you yelling at each other about your different approaches.

This is potentially an example of an intellectual boundary being violated. In this case, your ex dismisses your thoughts and opinions on parenting. Again, this can lead to other unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife.

Related Reading: 4 Types of Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Child Development

12. Ultimatums

Having a lack of boundaries with your ex-wife is tough to handle, especially when they hit the extreme end of the scale. No one wants to hear that they’ll never see their children again if you don’t meet their demands.

As we all know, ultimatums destroy something within you. You lose trust and respect for each other that goes far beyond any unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife. Communication breaks down before you’ve had a chance to set boundaries.

13. Financial demands

Other examples of unhealthy boundaries are when you’re still covering your ex’s finances. Part of you might feel guilty if you’re breaking up with a wife who didn’t work to support your career.

Nevertheless, that was their choice and at some point, you have to break the ties. It’s perfectly ok to support them for a while, perhaps through evening classes and clearly if you have children. Part of setting boundaries though is to define the endpoint.

Related Reading: How To Avoid Financial Problems in Your Marriage

14. Overly touchy-feely

Setting boundaries with an ex-spouse takes a certain amount of self-awareness. You have to know your limits, your emotions and how to manage them. Without this, things can get confusing when confronted with a seductive ex.

15. Imbalanced roles

Examples of boundaries with your ex revolve around respect. So, for instance, have you both taken on an equal share of responsibility for the relationship? This could be for the children and the divorce you’re currently filing. That means respecting each other’s wishes and final decisions.

Setting beneficial boundaries with former partners

All new wife and ex-wife boundaries are critical, and we know you need to be assertive, but what else do you need for setting boundaries after divorce? Listening to your emotions won’t come easily at first if you’ve never done this before.

Techniques such as mindfulness and journaling are great ways to connect to your emotions. If you’re feeling stuck, though, you should find a therapist. They’ll also help you discover what you value in life and where you want to prioritize your life to avoid unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife.

If your husband has no boundaries with his ex-wife, you’ll have to find a way to communicate with him why this is impacting your needs. Again, it comes back down to values and emotions.

Takeaway

No one can tell you what boundaries with an ex-spouse should look like. You have to work this out for yourself because everyone is different. What works for one person might not work for another. It also involves understanding what your current partner needs.

Nevertheless, unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife can feel frustrating, overwhelming and depressing or all of the above. You’ll instinctively know if you listen to your emotions. Of course, it takes some time and practice to develop the skill to connect deeply with emotions.

It can be hugely beneficial to work through these issues with a therapist. This is especially true if you’ve noticed several signs of unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife. Moreover, if your boyfriend has no boundaries with his ex-wife, you might be lost on how to approach him.

Whatever the situation, a therapist will guide you to build your inner self-esteem, understand your needs and connect with your emotions. From this place of understanding, you’ll be in a stronger position to be assertive about your boundaries. You’ll open the door to your freedom and deeper relationships.

what it is and why to observe them

We usually treat the personal boundaries of strangers quite carefully, but very often we simply do not notice the boundaries of the closest people. And then family life turns into a joke: "I'm tired of you saying all the time:" My car, my apartment ... "Since we are now husband and wife, we cannot have your or my things, but only ours. By the way, what are you looking for? Our trousers. The problem is that in real life it's not funny at all. Alina Farkas talks about the importance of respecting personal boundaries in a family.

Alina Farkash

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Alina Farkash

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I love him, and I even, let's say, his wife. And he smokes. Or eats Coca-Cola with chips. Or every day for a year and a half he complains of pain under his left shoulder blade, but he never got to the doctor. Or his health is all right, but he has been working in the same office for fifteen years and receives the same salary. Although I know that if you push him a little, if you tweak his resume a little, then he will be - just wow! And almost a millionaire.

All this is a question of boundaries in the family, and there is nothing harder than it. In Russia, most often with borders, it’s not very good anyway. And here everything is aggravated by ordinary human things: when you fall in love, you want to know everything and everything about a person and tell him everything and everything, to be together always, to merge into one and indivisible. Well, then: family, children, feelings become more mature, calmer, but strange constructions, like “our dissertation”, “our mother” - about the mother-in-law or “our ex-wife”, remain quite to themselves. Like in the joke about "our trousers".

Often the union with the husband reaches the depth of the mother's union with the newborn baby. But if the latter is explained by natural necessity and the hormonal background, then the former is more likely due to our traditions. I know countless cases of women giving up their studies, careers, dissertations, interesting contracts, and exciting business trips for the sake of their studies, careers, dissertations, and business trips for their husbands. I myself have a quite traditional tendency to such behavior, which in general does not bring happiness to either a man or a woman. In my first long-term relationship, I was very worried about my man’s career and put an incredible amount of effort into making sure everything worked out for him, and I was terribly upset when he “disappointed” me. And I was very angry when he failed to reach the bar I set for him - after all, I knew that he was smart, talented and could, he just had to try! .. After all, it’s not so difficult, after all, from him our future depends!

As a result, our relationship was destroyed to the core. And when we broke up, I began to invest in my career about a quarter of the strength, time and emotions from those that I invested in it. And suddenly it turned out that even this was enough for me to achieve all that “beautiful future” that I dreamed about, pushing my boyfriend.

In general, such a merger allows you to hide behind someone else's back. Live someone else's life. I'm scared to write my resume and go to my interviews. But I can give a million tips on this subject to my husband. It's hard for me to refuse a piece of cake, but I'm terribly worried about my loved one's high blood pressure. In general, taking care of others is much more pleasant and safer. And there is always someone to blame for possible failures.

However, many modern women have already figured out such a psychological trick, worked with it - and realized how nice it is not to be an eternal sacrificial and protective mother to your husband, but to think about your appearance, career and life. And they hit the opposite extreme: we are separate people, we don’t owe each other anything, I have no right to want or demand anything from my husband! And he has no right to demand anything from me!

But, wait, if a husband violates traffic rules and gets into an accident - who will take ducks out from under him and sell the apartment for an operation by the best surgeon? Me. If I eat cakes before diabetes, then who will live with me and my disability? He. If I want a good private school for our son, and my husband wants to travel around the world alone with this money, then this means that our paths, our ideas about the future have diverged so far that we should hardly be husband and wife. Unless, of course, I myself dream of having a husband who has circumnavigated the world.

I don't know what's worse for a relationship, complete fusion or unbreakable boundaries. It seems to me that it is important to be a little together, a little united, but also partly separate. One day before giving birth, I decided to do a deep bikini waxing. Well, to avoid shaving in the hospital. Herself. Houses. Hot wax. I was able to stick it, but I didn’t have the courage to tear it off. So my husband did it - he laughed like crazy, but carefully cut the wax off me with small nail scissors. However, I also laughed. This is where we merge.

But he was offered a very interesting and promising project in Siberia. I really don't like this idea. That is, the project - yes. But the idea of constant business trips to Siberia is not. But I try to remain silent, because this is his career and it is important to him. And he is always silent when I have work, business trips and "I need it." Here we have borders. For us it works. I, knowing my tendency to merge, try to fight my desire to immediately adopt my own husband. Knowing his habit of surrounding himself with an impregnable wall, he slowly takes it apart and learns to take me in his arms.

It seems to me that the most important thing in all this is to understand why and why you do it this way and not otherwise. Track the true reasons for your impulses, answer yourself the question, for whom are you doing this? And who will benefit from this? However, this does not interfere in any situation.

how to live if you are a second wife

If you are a second wife, then, whether you like it or not, his ex will always be present in your marriage one way or another. And if he had children in his first marriage, then this is forever. Psychologist Victoria Kaylin tells how to live with it.

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You can be smart and beautiful, kind and cheerful, tender and feminine, strong and successful, free and independent, but for society you will always be a "second wife". Even if a couple of millennia have passed since his divorce and you dug up your betrothed in permafrost, there will definitely be a surviving native from the past who remembers his ex. And for some reason, in the genetic memory of the collective society, she will forever remain a "wife", while you will be assigned only a serial number.

The first wife, like a ghost, is invisibly present in the life of the new family for a long time. It's wrong, but it's a fact. Whether she is a light fairy or one who cannot be named, you are subconsciously compared with her. And the less you react to it and get annoyed, the faster you will be perceived as a separate person. In general, if you plan to become a second wife, you will have to be patient, fight a couple of stereotypes, deal with a handful of injuries and learn how to build relationships not only with your new husband, but with all the significant people in his life.

Husband

If by marrying a “man without a past” you get a boy injured by his mother in the worst case, then by marrying a divorced man, you get a prize in the form of an injury in the square. The fragments of the first divorce scatter throughout life, striving to get into the eye or heart. Most often they are swept under the rug and pretend that everything has passed. But this is not true. The second wife still feels the crunch of someone else's broken past under her feet for a long time. Agree, walking on glass is not very pleasant.

Resentment inflicted by past relationships sometimes disturbs your man for a long time. He may not admit it, because even a computer geek is a real Viking at heart, for whom heart-to-heart talk is a sign of weakness. If your man wears impenetrable armor, just know that the phrase "She's just like my ex" is a typical request to work with a psychologist.

It doesn't matter who is to blame for the divorce. It is important that the second wife will have to live in the spotlight for some time. In case of any, even a minor quarrel, he will recall past relationships and conduct a comparative analysis. “I remember that look,” his inner sense of self-preservation will wail. And it doesn’t matter that your eye just itches - you will never know what can suddenly trigger (provoke) your husband. One awkward movement, a word, place or situation that escaped inappropriately - and he rushes to compare you and the former with a magnifying glass. If at the same time she is an evil fury, comparison with her may be insulting, but in principle it is safe. It is much more difficult if the ex-wife is the best friend. It is difficult to compete with idealized illusions - it is not worth even starting.

From the point of view of psychology, the second spouse is most often chosen according to one of two scenarios:

1) in general - you remind him of his ex-wife, but he is sure that this time everything will be different;

2) on the contrary - under the motto "I will never make this mistake again" a man marries a woman who is most unlike his ex-wife.

The only problem is that in any case, a man completely forgets about his own role as a common denominator in old and new relationships. So often it is he who transfers problems from a past marriage to a current one, but who voluntarily admits to his own mistakes.

What to do?

Be yourself and don't try to prove anything. Talk, listen, without judging or judging. Just to be around, creating a safe environment for trusting relationships. If a man is not inclined to discuss, you should not insist. Often, women themselves, with their jealousy, push a man to memories of past relationships. Build a new life with new holidays, traditions, impressions and memories. Stop using your ex as a reference point. This is just a person from the past with his pluses and minuses, and not the zero meridian and not the standard of weight. Don't get hung up on it.

Parents and friends

In addition to your man, the divorce inevitably rebounded on his environment. And the more time has passed, the higher the idealization of the past. The truth is forgotten - feelings remain. If the mother-in-law loved her daughter-in-law, it will be difficult for her to come to terms with the loss. If she hated it, she will expect a dirty trick from her son's new companion.

What to do? It's not your problem. Be respectful of someone else's past, but build your personal relationship with your husband's family from scratch. Be sincere in your interests, do not try to adapt to someone and do not allow yourself to be drawn into the game "edible - inedible." You are an adult self-sufficient person and have the right to be yourself. After all, you are married to your man, not to his relatives.

It is often difficult for a second wife to fit in with her husband's old friends. This is especially noticeable if you have an age difference. From time to time, one of them will begin to remember right in front of you "what a beautiful couple he and his first wife were." In fact, this is not an attempt to infringe on you. Just a balding uncle or a plump aunt yearning for their youth and the adventures of youth. It's just memories you don't share.

What to do? Make new mutual friends, new hobbies and interests. This does not mean that it is time for his old life to go to the dump. It’s just that you must be united by something other than a common bedroom.

Children

If there are children in a previous marriage and a man wants to be a good father, the first wife gets a leash and a whip - two in one. This does not mean that everyone without exception uses children as a means of manipulation, but you yourself understand that it is a sin not to use such a thing. Usually this is served under the sauce of joint care for children, but let's be honest: a few part quietly and without tantrums, maintaining respectful and really friendly relations. Unfortunately, often joint custody is a means to settle scores and unlived codependence, an alternate airfield and financial support, a channel for draining negative emotions and a stream of passive aggression towards a new wife. I don’t want to demonize, because each case is individual, but they rarely come to a psychologist with good things. Most often, those who, together with a child from their first marriage, received a reason for quarrels, a constant reminder of the former, an unlimited accumulator of claims and stress, and a time bomb in relations with their husband, apply.

What to do? Calm down. These are his children, and building relationships with them is his task. You are separate, independent people. Do not add headaches to your man - he has enough military operations on that front. He already rushes between two families, trying to be good for everyone. But that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself. Vice versa. Define your boundaries and interests, develop a communication pattern that suits you (for example, he meets with children outside the house or while you relax at the spa), and stop clinging to your husband. If "there" he is in for a hassle, and at home there is an interesting, enthusiastic and self-confident woman, it is easy to guess where he wants to spend more time.

According to society, the second wife is constantly “must” – love, appreciate, understand, condescendingly treat his injuries and overshoots, be good and comfortable for everyone, build relationships with mother-in-law, children and friends, forgive, care for and help. In fact, the person to whom you owe something is, first of all, yourself. Only a happy, healthy and self-confident person can create healthy creative relationships. You can't make someone happy. You have to be happy on your own. Then the rest will follow. First, second or tenth - you ended up next to this man because you both decided so, because you feel good together and because you are ready to build a joint future. People get married to be happy, and not to cling to injuries and measure complexes. Love should make a couple's life better. It is worth living for today, without looking back at the past, other people's opinions and stereotypes. We are made up of values and beliefs, past experiences and traumas, reflections and conclusions. Of course, each case is individual and there is no single recipe for all occasions, but in fact there is: listen to each other, respect other people's feelings and not lose yourself. Try it - you'll like it.

Pros and cons of marriage with a divorced man

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If he decided to marry a second time, he did it consciously.
He knows exactly what he wants from marriage. And what he doesn't want.
At the same time, his expectations are realistic.
He is able to discuss relationship problems.
He knows how to live with a woman on the same territory and is not afraid of everyday life.

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If he has children, the relationship with his ex-wife will not end until they grow up.
He has already gone through a divorce, and this does not frighten him anymore. The second time, it will be easier for him to decide to break up.
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