Do borderlines exploit

Borderline Personality Disorder and Cheating

Maintaining a relationship when someone has Borderline Personality Disorder is difficult. While all relationships have challenges, the symptoms of BPD can make even the most stable moments tumultuous. However, just because someone has Borderline Personality Disorder does not mean they cannot have meaningful and intimate relationships or are doomed to cheat.

Here is everything you need to know about Borderline Personality Disorder and cheating.

What Is Borderline Personality Disorder?

In order to understand how Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) affects relationships, you need to know a little more about this mental health disorder. People suffering from BPD struggle with a poor self-image, abandonment issues, reactive moods, and unstable interpersonal relationships. Those with BPD are also at a higher than average risk of suicide.

Since BPD sufferers have issues with abandonment, they often take on an all-or-nothing approach to relationships. Be it with friends or a significant other, they will compete for acceptance and attention. Even when in a stable romantic relationship, they may feel lonely and insecure. Furthermore, they tend to hold others responsible for the pain they will inevitably feel if and when the relationship sours (even when this is not true).

BPD And Infidelity

There is a myth out there that those with BPD engage in affairs more often than others. However, there is no concrete evidence supporting this claim. Research has yet to find a connection between BPD and infidelity.

Yet, how did this assumption occur? It is based on the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Due to the mental condition, most people with BPD struggle to maintain relationships with friends, family, and partners. They often feel unloved and unwelcome, and, because of a poor self-image, think badly of themselves whenever something goes wrong.

BPD also causes impulsive behaviors and a lack of self-control. Upon feeling abandoned,
individuals with BPD may engage in risky behavior, such as gambling or unprotected sex. In some cases, an individual with BPD may seek out sex as a way to self-medicate instead of self-harm, which is common.

Why Does BPD Cause Trust Issues?

Although people with Borderline Personality Disorder are just as susceptible to cheating as those without the condition, they tend to suspect their partners cheat on them more frequently. While those with BPD feel empty inside and are constantly looking for love and acceptance, they also don’t believe themselves capable of being loved. In other words, they also assume the ones they love most are going to reject them eventually.

Unfortunately, many people with BPD come from dysfunctional families and environments. They learned, either from nature or nurture, that their emotions and the people in their lives are untrustworthy. Since BPD symptoms often begin in early adulthood and worsen over time, they may never learn how to regulate their own emotions in a healthy way.

Combating BPD With Couples Therapy

Borderline Personality Disorder and cheating do not always go hand in hand. That said, the traits of BPD do put stress on those in the relationship. When left unchecked and untreated, BPD can make even the strongest of relationships fail. Therefore, the first step to counteracting the negative effects of Borderline Personality Disorder on a relationship is to receive help from a therapist or mental health provider.

Treating BPD is one of the best ways to deal with the symptoms. Medication and therapy can curtail the impulsivity that could potentially lead to infidelity. Moreover, going to a therapist together can help you both connect on a deeper level, as you would learn healthier ways to communicate. A couples counselor could also help you work through the toughest of times.

Final Thoughts

Does having BPD put someone at a higher risk of infidelity? No. Borderline Personality Disorder and cheating are not connected, though certain symptoms of BPD could drive someone to cheat. That said, if you and your partner are willing to work through the challenges of BPD and go to therapy, then there is no reason your relationship can’t succeed.

There is nothing that a little cooperation, compassion, and communication cannot overcome.
With our unique counseling programs, Couples Academy can teach you how. Get in touch with Couples Academy today!

14 BPD Cheating Signs: Why Do They Cheat?

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George Keen

Hello I'm Dr. George Keen PhD Holder in Mental Health care from Johns Hopkins University. Currently working as a university lecturer and writing this blog about borderline personality disordered for the people out there who need some help to understand themselves.

BPD cheating signs

If you suspect that your partner is cheating on you, here are some warning signs to watch out for:

They suddenly want to spend more time apart

BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder, is a mental illness characterized by instability in relationships, mood, and self-image. People with BPD often experience intense fear of abandonment and feelings of emptiness and impulsivity.

BPD can also cause difficulty regulating emotions and thoughts, leading to risky behavior. While BPD itself doesn’t necessarily mean that someone will cheat, some signs may indicate that cheating is more likely.

For example, if your partner suddenly wants to spend more time apart, it could signify that they’re feeling overwhelmed by the relationship and seeking attention elsewhere. If you notice this sign or any others suggesting your partner may be cheating, you must talk to them about your concerns.

BPD can be a complex illness to manage, but with treatment, it is possible to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

You notice strange smells around the house

If you notice strange smells around the house, it could be a sign that your partner is cheating. While there could be innocent explanations for this, such as your partner trying out a new cologne or perfume, it could also be a sign that they are trying to cover up the scent of another person.

If you notice that your partner’s clothes often smell like smoke or alcohol, it could be another sign of cheating. If you have concerns about your partner’s fidelity, you must talk to them about your problems. If they are unwilling to discuss the issue, it could signify that they are hiding something.

They start wearing new perfume or cologne

Anyone in a relationship knows that trust is essential. Without it, couples drift apart, questioning every little thing their partner does. Trust can be complicated for those with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Because people with BPD often have very intense emotions, they may act impulsively and do things that they later regret.

This can include cheating on their partner. While there is no sure way to know if someone with BPD is cheating, some signs may indicate that something is going on.

For example, a person with BPD may suddenly start wearing new perfume or cologne. They may also dress differently, trying to attract attention from others. If you notice your partner exhibiting these behaviors, you must talk to them about what’s happening. Only by communicating openly can couples hope to maintain a healthy relationship.

Your phone logs numerous calls from unknown numbers

If you’ve suspected that your partner is cheating on you, there are a few telltale signs that may indicate that your suspicions are correct. For example, if your partner’s phone has been blowing up with calls from unknown numbers, they may be hiding something from you.

If they’re suddenly receiving a lot of texts and calls late at night or during times when they’re usually not available, that could also be a sign that something is going on behind your back. If your partner is being evasive about their phone usage or who they’re talking to, that’s another red flag.

If you notice any of these changes in your partner’s behavior, you must have a conversation about what’s going on. Trust is an integral part of any relationship; if it’s been breached, it can be challenging to rebuild.

However, with honest communication and a willingness to work through the issues, it is possible to move past this and create a stronger bond than before.

They’re always making excuses to avoid being alone with you

If you’re in a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD), you may often feel alone, even when your partner is physically present.

This is because people with BPD tend to avoid being alone as a way to cope with their fear of abandonment. If your partner is constantly making excuses to avoid being alone with you, it may be a sign that they have BPD. Other symptoms that your partner may have BPD include difficulty communicating, unexpected outbursts of anger, and reckless behavior.

If you’re concerned that your partner may have BPD, it’s vital to seek professional help. With treatment, people with BPD can learn to manage their symptoms and have healthy, fulfilling relationships.

They’re more secretive about their phone and computer usage

There are several signs that your partner may be cheating on you if they suffer from a borderline personality disorder. One of the most common signs is that they become more secretive about their phone and computer usage.

They may start to delete text messages, emails, and Google search history. They may also avoid being near you when they’re using their devices. If you notice any of these changes, you must talk to your partner about what’s happening.

They may be able to explain their behavior, or they may be cheating on you. Either way, it’s essential to communicate with your partner to resolve the issue.

They start picking fights with you for no reason

Do you feel like your partner is always picking fights with you, even when there’s no reason? If so, it could signal that they’re cheating on you.

People who cheat often have a lot of guilt and frustration, which they take out on their unsuspecting partners. If your partner seems to be trying to start arguments with you more often than usual, it’s worth paying attention to.

They delete their social media accounts or change their privacy settings so you can’t see what they’re up to

There are several signs that your partner may be cheating on you if they have a borderline personality disorder. One of the most common is deleting their social media accounts or changing their privacy settings so you can’t see what they’re up to.

They may also start spending more time with their friends or talking to people online instead of spending time with you. If you notice these changes in your partner’s behavior, you must speak to them about what’s happening.

Cheating can be a sign of underlying issues in the relationship, and it’s essential to address these issues before they get worse.

You catch them in lies about their whereabouts or what they’re doing

Most people fib from time to time. But if your partner continually lies about their whereabouts or what they’re doing, it could be a sign that they’re cheating. If they were previously honest with you and now they’re being secretive, it’s worth asking them why.

They may have a perfectly innocent explanation, but if they continue to lie, it’s a sign that they’re not being honest with you. Cheating can also be a sign of an underlying problem in the relationship. If your partner is unhappy with the level of intimacy in the relationship, they may seek it elsewhere.

Cheating is also often a symptom of unresolved issues from the past, such as unresolved trauma or childhood abuse. If your partner is displaying signs of cheating, it’s essential to talk to them about what’s happening. Only by communicating openly can you hope to resolve the issue.

They stop inviting you to places where they’ll be with other people

If you notice that your partner suddenly stops inviting you to social engagements where there will be other people present, it could be a sign that they’re cheating. They may feel guilty about their actions and worry that you’ll confront them in front of others, so they’ll start avoiding situations where that could happen.

Another possibility is that they’re ashamed of being seen with you and are trying to distance themselves from you publicly. Either way, this behavior change is a red flag that something may be going on behind your back.

They accuse you of being jealous or paranoid when expressing concern about their behavior

If you suspect your partner of cheating, several signs may indicate that they have Borderline Personality Disorder. For example, They accuse you of being jealous or paranoid when expressing concern about their behavior.

This is known as gaslighting, a common tactic used by people with BPD to make their partners doubt themselves. If your partner constantly tells you that you’re overreacting or imagining things, it’s a red flag that they might be trying to cover up something.

They start distancing themselves from you emotionally

If your partner suddenly seems distant or withholds information about their day-to-day activities, it could be a sign of cheating. This is especially true if they start making excuses for not being available or unable to spend time with you.

If your partner is usually very open and communicative, sudden changes in behavior could be a sign that they’re hiding something from you. If you suspect your partner is cheating, you must have an honest conversation about your concerns.

Cheating can cause much pain and mistrust in a relationship, so it’s essential to address the issue head-on.

They say they’re not ready for a serious relationship

As most people know, trust is essential in any relationship. However, when trust is repeatedly broken, it can be challenging to maintain a healthy relationship. If you suspect your partner may be cheating on you, there are several signs to look for.

One of the most common signs is if they say they’re not ready for a serious relationship. This may signify that they are not interested in monogamy or that they are still seeing other people.

They may also make excuses not to meet your friends or family. If your partner is constantly making excuses, it may be time to talk seriously about your relationship’s future.

They say they need space or want to take a break

If you’re wondering whether your partner may be cheating on you, there are a few signs to look out for. First, pay attention to how they talk about other people. If they suddenly start talking about someone else more than usual, it could be a sign that they’re interested in them.

Second, notice how they act around you. If they start getting distant or seem preoccupied, it could be a sign of cheating. Finally, listen to what they say. If they start making excuses for why they can’t spend time with you or why they’ve been distant, it could be a sign that they’re cheating.

If you notice any of these signs, you must talk to your partner about what’s happening. Cheating is a serious issue and can damage relationships irreparably. If you suspect your partner is cheating on you, the best thing to do is talk to them about it and see if they’re willing to work on the relationship.

These symptoms sound pretty obvious, but it’s important to remember that people with BPD are skilled at hiding their true intentions. A person suffering from BPD may deny that they’re doing anything wrong, even though they know their actions aren’t standard. So instead of confronting them directly, it’s best to discuss the situation calmly and see what they say. Don’t accuse them unless you absolutely have proof otherwise.

BPD and cheating

Why Do People With Bpd Cheat?

Designed to hurt others without regard for consequences. In short, cheating occurs when someone feels entitled to use another person for their own benefit.

Many experts believe self-esteem problems significantly affect whether a person cheats. People who feel worthless tend to seek relationships where they can manipulate, lie and steal to gain attention and affection. They also try to avoid intimacy, making it difficult to connect deeply with a partner. When a person with low self-worth has been cheated upon, they may think nothing of repeating the process.

On the other hand, those who feel good about themselves will usually want more than anything to keep the connection they’ve developed with their partner intact. Cheating becomes less appealing if both parties enjoy each other’s company and share common values.

Another reason people with BPD cheat could be because they feel overwhelmed by their feelings. Many sufferers experience extreme highs and lows during mood swings that cause them to behave unpredictably. Feeling like they are losing control over their lives, they’ll sometimes turn to alcohol or drugs to numb their pain.

However, using substances only masks the real problem. Instead of allowing them to work through their emotions, substance abuse typically leads to further isolation and depression.

Once a pattern begins, breaking free from the cycle can become harder. The same thing applies to romantic relationships. If a man or woman spends too much time thinking about themselves, it can lead to unrealistic expectations and jealousy towards a lover. As things get better, the person gets angry and disappointed that everything didn’t go according to plan. It doesn’t matter how long the relationship lasts since the underlying issue hasn’t changed.

How a person deals with stress plays a massive part in determining whether they cheat. Those who cope well by exercising regularly, eating right, and spending quality alone time together usually don’t resort to illicit activities. People with BPD who engage in risky behaviors such as unprotected sex or taking dangerous amounts of medication may have trouble controlling their impulses.

Can A Borderline Stop Cheating?

No one knows for sure whether people with BPD can ever truly change. Some researchers claim that BPD isn’t caused by genetics but childhood trauma. Others argue that certain brain chemicals trigger erratic behavior patterns later in life. Either way, it seems unlikely that someone who suffers from BPD can completely overcome the condition overnight. But if left untreated, BPD can certainly worsen over time.

Although no one can predict the future, it’s still worth trying to improve matters yourself. Talk to your partner about ways that you can help each other deal with stressful situations. For example, if you frequently fight over money, suggest setting aside extra funds for emergencies or discussing how you’d handle financial disagreements in advance.

Also, set boundaries on how often you can meet with friends or family. Make sure you trust each other enough to talk openly about your personal thoughts and needs. These steps won’t magically cure BPD, but they can reduce its impact significantly.

Bpd And Cheating Paranoia

Some psychologists believe that women with BPD are particularly vulnerable to becoming paranoid when dealing with men. Women with BPD often fear rejection and abandonment, especially in intimate relationships.

Because they crave constant validation and approval, they worry that their lovers will leave them once they figure out all of their flaws. Therefore, they may interpret every sign of disinterest or neglect as confirmation that their boyfriends no longer love them. Not surprisingly, this insecurity can prevent women with BPD from dating altogether. Since they cannot distinguish reality from fantasy, they assume that everyone is plotting against them.

Men with BPD face similar fears regarding sexuality. Due to past traumatic experiences, they may develop mistrust toward casual encounters and pornography. Men with BPD fear their partners will judge them harshly based on their appearance and performance. Their lack of interest in sex may seem unnatural, making them question their masculinity.

To compensate for these concerns, some guys with BPD may experiment with sadomasochistic practices in private. Although it may temporarily relieve anxiety, engaging in bondage and discipline can reinforce negative beliefs and perpetuate unhealthy habits.

Does Bpd Make You Cheat?

It depends on who you ask! Most doctors agree that BPD affects people differently, depending on gender, age, culture, and environment. That said, research shows that a large percentage of patients with BPD eventually become involved in extramarital affairs.

According to Peter Kraft, author of Love Is Stronger Than Death, approximately 40% of adult females with BPD will experience a romantic attachment sometime in their lifetime. Of course, statistics vary widely among different studies.

What’s clear is that BPD puts sufferers under immense pressure to perform excellently in almost every aspect of life. Even the most minor mistakes can send them into a tailspin of shame, embarrassment, and despair.

No wonder they often put tremendous effort into building solid connections with their loved ones. Unfortunately, this strategy backfires when a person with BPD falls victim to their own perfectionism and self-doubt.

Those with BPD may sabotage their chances of success by putting unreasonable demands on their partners. Instead of strengthening their bond, they focus solely on pleasing themselves. They push their partners away by obsessing over details, nitpicking comments and criticisms, and comparing themselves unfavorably to others. One study showed that women with BPD were four times more likely to report extramarital affairs compared to non-borderline female participants. Conversely, men with BPD weren’t any more prone to cheating than other males.

For now, little evidence indicates that being diagnosed with BPD automatically turns a person into a lifelong serial cheater. There are plenty of examples of successful couples coping with BPD, although it requires patience and commitment to resolving chronic conflicts effectively. Ultimately, however, no one can decide whether a particular individual deserves sympathy or blame for falling prey to BPD. Only the patient can determine their fate.

If you are concerned about your partner’s mental health, encourage them to attend therapy sessions and follow treatment plans recommended by professionals. Remember that BPD is treatable, but it takes hard work and determination to recover. Take care of yourselves and stay positive!

Can BPD cause cheating?

The causes of cheating can be complex. However, BPD has contributed to some issues in romantic relationships, including emotional instability, impulsivity, and lack of trust. If you believe your partner’s BPD contributes to their infidelity, it is crucial to seek professional help. Only a qualified mental health professional can provide an accurate diagnosis and recommend treatment options.

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Trolling. From the experience of working with a border client //Psychological newspaper

What do we know about borderline personality disorder

Many modern authors use the term "borderline" when describing a fairly large group of patients.

There are well-known clinical classifications, such as the ICD-10 and DSM-V, that diagnose borderline disorder through characteristic behavior patterns.
Psychoanalysts diagnose borderline disorder as intermediate between psychotic and neurotic and point out that the borderline personality uses primitive defense mechanisms, splitting and projective identification, which are quite radical in their effect, so that "borderlines" are sometimes difficult to distinguish from psychotics.
In general, we can say that a person with a borderline structure lives in the simultaneous experience of polar feelings - love and hatred - both in relation to himself and to others. On the one hand, he desperately desires intimacy and trusting relationships, and on the other hand, he experiences fear and horror from a possible absorption and merger with another person. The borderline person, by virtue of his own mental organization, is involved in a dramatic situation, where he is forced to constantly, but completely fruitlessly, try to enter, without entering into contact with other people and with himself.
The main mechanism underlying the distortion of reality by the borderline patient is splitting into "absolutely good" and "absolutely bad" images of himself and others. According to M. Klein, this psychological defense mechanism occurs as a schizoid maneuver. The child thus splits the image of the mother in order to possess her good part and control the bad. The child also splits inside himself into “normal” and “terrible” because of the tension caused by the presence of conflicting feelings of love and hate, the unbearable experience that the mother can leave the child, become a traitor.
Schwartz-Salant N., comprehensively exploring the borderline personality, describes it as “stuck” in the liminal transition, a state in which affects emanating from the archetypal source are released, but the process of their qualitative renewal did not occur and the transition ritual did not take place. The archetypal property inherent in renewal merges in an intricate way with individually developed mental structures, and "the patient's ego oscillates between various parts of his mental material: 1) split-off complexes of extremely negative affects, 2) introjects of unconscious parental qualities, and 3) sensory states of non-presence, associated with failures in the transition from one stage of development to another.
“The main feature of the borderline personality is that they can almost simultaneously demonstrate a request for help and reject it ... The borderline personality has dyadic object relations” (McWilliams N., “Psychoanalytic Diagnosis. Understanding Personality in the Clinical Process”). There is no father figure in them yet.

Borderline patient came to therapy

What is the value orientation for the therapist? - the state of the psychological integrity of the patient. But the borderline patient does not seek wholeness at all. He comes to therapy with a request that is often impossible to satisfy, because the "border guard" wants to return to the place where he lost the ability to belong to himself, not in order to restore the lost integrity, but to punish the "mother" whom he accuses, or take away from her everything that was deprived. It is clear that in the therapeutic relationship the psychotherapist will be the figure that collects all the maternal projections. The borderline patient wants to exploit the therapist, absorb him, blame him, attack him and enjoy his revenge.

The borderline patient does not tolerate freedom. By regressing to early relationships, he aggressively maintains his split, reinforcing himself in a purely dependent state. All this makes the therapist himself extremely unfree. The psychotherapist turns out to be constrained not only by the patient's aggressive reactions to any change in the orders established by him, but also by the experiences of his own increased fears and anxieties. Therefore, in the therapeutic relationship there is a great temptation to “follow the patient”, that is, to support the primitive interaction offered by the patient. In my opinion, this is a mistake that can seriously harm both the patient and the therapist.

What should a therapist do

“Treatment of a patient with a borderline disorder or a basic borderline character structure is difficult and even dangerous, so the therapist is advised to establish boundaries in the first place. In this way, the patient's unprotected ego will receive the support it needs."

The most difficult thing, in my opinion, in the therapy of borderline patients is the ability of the therapist to contain not only the split parts of the patient's psyche, but also his own split, which means that he is always one step ahead of the patient's experience of awareness. Schwartz-Salant N., commenting on the way of interacting with borderline patients, says: "The patient projects his mental content onto the therapist, and then introjects the projection along with the contents created by the therapist's unconscious process."

Trolls - terrible on the face, kind inside?

In order to better understand the boundary distortion of the archetypal process of coniunctio, with its vague, affective, dynamic experiences, and to penetrate the meaning of protective splitting, it is advisable to place them in a certain mythological narrative, where, according to Jung, the dynamics of mental life is reflected most objectively. For amplification, I chose the tale of the modern writer Selma Lagerlöf "The Changeling" about a small troll.

The troll is an anthropomorphic chthonic character in Scandinavian folklore, personifying a “bad person” with an ugly appearance and terrible gastronomic preferences and an unbearable character. Lageröf tells a story in which an old forest troll replaced her son with a human child. According to K. Horney, an ideal double “murder” occurred, that is, the child “died”, but there is no corpse, therefore there is no culprit, and the “disappearance” of the child is not formulated as an atrocity. Since that time, both fabulous babies, human and chthonic, are being brought up by stepmothers in tragic conditions for them. They begin to beat them symmetrically, feed them, endanger them, and almost burn them in a burning fire.

After the substitution, the life of ordinary people who took a little troll into their family turned into a struggle for survival, filled with fear, hatred and endless losses, because the temper of the little troll was wild, "evil, desperate. " It is not surprising that "all the surrounding people and animals hated the troll and wished him death." The human child in the troll family also experienced grim horrors of survival, synchronously coinciding with the hardships of the little troll. The foster mother, who took on the upbringing of the freak troll, was subjected to no less hatred and alienation from both her own husband and all her other people. Longing for her own lost child corroded her heart, while she conscientiously looked after the evil freak, vigilantly watched him, protected him from beatings and saved him from death more than once. “This is how she was born: when someone who was hated by everyone got in her way, she tried her best to come to the aid of the poor thing.”

The woman's husband argued, was angry with his wife, but he "loved her very much and was used to indulging her always and in everything," therefore he endured such an unbearable life. He endured until the troll child burned down their estate and all the acquired property. Then the husband, in anger, decided to burn the little robber, but the wife, as before, rushed to save him. After the fire, the man decided to leave his wife forever with her terrible pet. On the way out of the house, the peasant met a wonderful little boy who ran out of the forest to meet him, who turned out to be his own son, and whom the trolls set free. The son told his father that the trolls lost their power over him after "mother sacrificed what was dearer to her than life." In fact, by allowing her husband to leave, she was left completely alone.

The father and son hurried back to the village and found the peasant's wife as if petrified with grief: “she did not hear or see anything that was going on around. She seemed to have died." When life (hearing, vision, orientation) returned to her again, she behaved “like a person who had just awakened from a dream” - quietly, silently, motionless. “Finally, a huge crowd of people surrounded her, and her husband, separating himself from the rest, approached her, holding the hand of a beautiful child.

- Here's our son. He returned to us,” he said, “and only you saved him, and no one else.”

What sacrifice must a mother make?

Why exactly "mother" - probably because the center of gravity of the true child's self in borderline disorder is in the maternal figure.

What do we see in the narrative of the fairy tale "Changeling"? - the childhood of a lost child (coinciding with the general mythological motif of the “divine child”), who, being “wonderful”, turned out to be abandoned, deprived of bodily and emotional contact with his mother and father, was symbolically rejected, expelled for upbringing in a rejecting environment, and on his a freak troll settled in the place.

In "The Changeling" an unusual pattern is indicated: a good mother has an ugly child, a terrible mother has a nice baby. Child-parent relationships are built on cross axes. With such a scheme, which can be considered the frame of both the intrapsychic space and the external container, the immanent picture loses its stability and is distorted.

The intersection that has arisen gives reason to consider the current situation as a semantic connection. The crossroads, the cross is a powerful cultural symbol that organizes transformational dynamics, ensures the synchronicity of visible and invisible processes and transforms the illumination of all actors - "the transition, which includes regression and temporary loss of the ego, to the consciousness and realization of a previously unrecognized psychological need" (Jung K .G).

At the obvious level, we see one hero, while his direct opposite, closely and invisibly connected with him by the synchronicity of experiences, is hiding in a dark forest, "in a protective shadow." Analogies with conscious and unconscious, social and shadow personal references are obvious. In addition, parallel processes in the lives of the characters are undeniable. “Parallel processes are understood not so much as the external similarity of relations as the structure and dynamics of relations hidden behind this similarity. ” The boy and the troll, the mother and the troll, seem to reflect each other, causing psychodynamic paralleling.

The process of splitting, reflected in the fairy tale, revolves around the semantic core of borderline dynamics - the inability to understand who to love, who to hate, who to approach, who to repulse, who to condemn, who to welcome.

The liberation of the “divine child” is possible through the transformation of the “kind mother”, initially driven by “stupid” compassion, unable to clearly distinguish between her own and someone else’s, charged with meaningless “pity”, that is, under the influence of the energy of the pathological complex. This kind woman arranged a hellish life for her husband and relatives in order to save the evil freak. Mother went through the main stages of love: from unconscious concern for offspring to experiencing complete loss and loneliness, when “something seemed to break in her soul” and she lost everything that “was dearer to her than life. ” Having experienced compensatory atonement for guilt, mortal fright, universal hatred, the mother made a genuine, and not neurotic, sacrifice. This action almost killed the woman - she seemed to be “dead” and “petrified”, but as soon as the consciousness that had passed through the crucible of the purifying fire returned to her, in the renewed soul “there was a feeling that her suffering had come to an end.” Her husband and healthy son returned to her.

It must be assumed that the woman experienced a powerful emotional state caused by archetypal influence. We remember that “archetypes are the factors responsible for the organization of mental processes in the unconscious: they are “behavioral patterns” (C. G. Jung). At the same time, archetypes have a "special charge" and have a supernatural effect, expressed in emotions.

It is noteworthy that the control over the course of movement of all energies belongs to the troll, the shadow aspect of the good mother. Apparently, the real support of a “good” mother is her unconscious “evil” shadow, contact with which is possible only through reflection.

In the therapy of borderline patients, the therapist has to become a "split mother": one part of which wants to raise an "evil boy", the second dreams of getting rid of him, experiencing rage and impotence; one part follows the mental movement of the patient, the second tries to control. The animus creates obstacles in the dialogue, perceiving the patient as a stranger, speaking in a foreign language and acting defiantly incomprehensibly. The anima was capable of feeling and understanding.

We observe a child, as if synchronously existing in two worlds, in two opposite hypostases, with two polar mothers. The child is abandoned by the mother (captured by the dominant negative maternal complex) and rejected by the father. Survived by abandonment, violence, horror, the child fights for survival. Hidden in the forest, surrounded by primitive monsters, one of which is a mother, the child remains a prisoner of darkness. But things are no better in the world either - here he himself is the monster, and everyone else is his hostages. Remaining in darkness, without sunlight (clear awareness of himself), he is flooded with a primitive archetypal affect - he convinces himself that in fact he is a bad, damned, corrupted being. Yes, and others see only a wild evil troll. The child is forced to become like a troll - to grimace, scare, hurt, embodying the negative aspect of the archetypal trickster, split off from the unconscious Self in the earliest infancy and aggressively attacking the weak ego.

This tale is a good illustration of both the meaningful context of therapeutic work and transference processes: consciously we can observe a lonely "child" suffering from a lack of love, and sincerely sympathize with him, and at the same time feel the constant danger of anxiety, being close to the desperate, unpredictable "troll", forcing us to be always on the alert. The patient's weak ego, not sufficiently differentiated from the unconscious (archetypal) content of self and "mother", continually drags patient and therapist back into chaos. That is, there is a real threat to symbolically again be in a dense forest in a society of monsters.

Can a troll become human?

In the folklore tradition, trolls are trying with all their might to penetrate the world of people, but any of their efforts end in failure. There is a mutual tragedy in this fact: for trolls the world of people is forever closed, and a meeting with most of them does not promise a person, but in the Changeling there is a grain of transformation that is not characteristic of ordinary folklore poetics. We see in the finale that out of suffering, hatred, chaos and complete decay, from the depths of a dark forest, from the unconscious, a boy appears into the world, “stately and handsome”, “looks like a young tree”, with “hair as soft as silk” and “ eyes shining like steel. Metaphorically - a divine child is born, brought up hitherto by primitive creatures, the true Self, the potential for development, a symbol of the transformational movement.

Through the capacity for awareness, the adult can free himself from their coercive embrace of the unconscious. The ego emerges from its hiding place - “In alchemy, forms that are at first dangerous (such as the “mad dog” and “thief”) later become the protectors of the “child”, personifying the new Self” (Schwartz-Salant N.).

It's hard to be a troll

It is difficult to experience oneself in the projection of the primitive psyche. The part split off from consciousness looks alien and unfamiliar and leads its own relatively independent life. But “being inherently all-consuming and destructive, the borderline dynamics can still become a source of strong and sincere emotions, quivering and sensitive relationships, and can also trigger the process of individuation of the soul. In this dynamic, all the richness and diversity of the archetypal experience is manifested, in which the potential for rebirth in a new, spiritual quality is hidden ”(Dougherty J. Nancy, West J. Jacqueline “The Matrix and the Potential of Character”). Thus, the request of the borderline patient, which does not sound explicit, but is implicit (confused) in all the messages of the "troll" to the therapist, can be formulated as follows - be patient with me, I need to observe the experience of resistance, the opposite of rejection, in which I lost part of myself . Try to curb my inconsistency at a level of abstraction that is not available to me, but to which I aspire.

Shari Schreiber. Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder

You probably went through this in your own "dance" with borderline personality, but not took it personally or tried to convince them that they created this unpleasant situation. This is their cognitive distortion (distorted perception) in action and you cannot change it. Many border guards who call me looking for a "cure" refuse after they find out that emotional development is part of the process. Development brings change, and change scares them. Therefore, they remain unhappy seekers for something they cannot provide for themselves and do not really want.

The border guards are extremely insecure. They express their conflicting feelings and fears around being attached to someone who is close to them - even the therapist they have sought help from. A lasting/effective therapeutic effect breaks through their defenses and makes them want to retreat. They need constant reassurance that you will not stop treating them, but they will experience this connection to see how far they can go with constant last-minute messages about wanting to reschedule, undermining the therapy process (to prevent emotional development), ignoring helpful advice, etc.

The border guards associate the word "love" with the possible abandonment of them. You want to trust them - but most borderline pathological liars; it just became part of their plan of salvation from childhood. They can easily hide their sexual and love affairs from their partners/spouses, and if you're stupid enough to think it won't happen to you, think again !

In the 1964 film My Fair Lady, Rex Harrison's character sings his sad song: " Why can't women be more like men ? Men are so honest and direct, eternally noble and historically just." The truth is that borderlines are more like men - at least at the beginning of a relationship. They provide a comfortable/easy sex life (and what man doesn't dream about this all his adult life?). There are facets of borderline personality that will make you feel like you're a thus the only person . She is open, direct, everything goes so easily with her, she is so charming and all this in one favorite bottle. She approves of everything you do - it's so wonderful that this wonderful creature is so passionate about you .

Of course it's a bait - honeymoon your relationship that serves as your excuse/review for her debilitating, overwhelming, violent behavior from the moment you became completely on her side, and you can't even think about breaking free from the trauma you get from being with her. You lose your guard when she says that " let's try - there is nothing to be afraid of ". You want to believe in it - and believe. I mean, who would refuse such a beautiful creature who wants to spend his days next to you. The problem is that the number of bad/crazy episodes soon starts to increase and it starts to poison your life. You are on the hook - and there is no turning back, despite such emotional outbursts as leaving / returning, pushing / pulling, love / hate you and the like. I have a favorite movie - "500 Days of Summer", which gives an idea of your desire for emotional comfort and stability in your relationship with the borderline, but you never get it.

You yearn with all your heart for this delightful state of the beginning of your relationship, and I know how much you want it back. It's hard to give up this fantasy - but you have to. The truth is that there may be moments when you think it's back, but it will never be the same as it was in the beginning - because you are already seduced. If this is not to be pursued, chased after this, then it has no value for the frontier, which is why many young people are abandoned immediately after leaving his wife and family. It doesn't matter what she says in her defense, once you become "her", she no longer wants you (sexually or otherwise).

Similar to a well-fed, contented domestic cat - she will chase a mouse just for fun . Once the mouse is caught and is smart enough to pretend to be dead, the pussy loses interest and leaves. If the mouse struggles to free itself from the cat's claws, the cat grabs harder and accidentally kills its new toy. This is exactly what happens in your "dance" with the borderline. When you are available he/she is not intrigued or interested in you.

Border guards have great difficulty trusting anyone. This problem has been left over from immaturity and early childhood due to poor parental care, so don't take it personally for lack of trust in you! You cannot make this person trust you, no matter how dependent or loving you are. This problem existed before and appeared, so do not assume that you are responsible for this.

Initially, the borderline is a reflection of everything you've always wanted to believe about yourself. Later in the relationship, they reflect how you really feel about yourself deep inside, behind your status or signs of your success (fancy cars/houses, your outstanding talents in bed, your thriving business, your well-shaped body, etc.) .P.). You keep trying to return that first picture of yourself (at least at in her eyes), but this is in vain.

Borderline make you feel responsible for their deceitful and manipulative behavior; they may make you believe that once you marry them they will be devoted only to you and life will be wonderful - but don't believe it! The truth is that the closer you get to a person with borderline personality disorder, the more they become intimidated and repulsed by you. The reason for this paradox is their fears of attachment to another person.

They regulate extreme resentment if you ask a question about their real motives or even just hint that their actions are far from honesty - but this is their defense against the inability to be perfect, this inability causes toxic (internal) shame.

You probably haven't had enough experience of true love in your lifetime, so these conflicting signals can be very confusing. The initial stages of a relationship with the Borderline are uplifting and it is unlikely you have experienced this before. You begin to feel that you have found what you need, what you have been looking for all your life. So when she starts pushing you away, finding flaws, you think " this is a temporary problem, I will fix it or wait until it dries up. Of course, she really loves me , it must be just that she misunderstood me or a slight misunderstanding in communication ". whatever it takes , correct it Even if you're not sure if you've made a mistake, your partner's reaction is intense/inconsistent enough to suggest that you are the one who is to blame for these problems.

No matter how hard you try to solve this dilemma, your loved one has their own way of looking at it, and continues to feel the need to blame you for these difficulties. They will never be able to look at the problem from your side, nor will they accept your explanation of what you think is really going on. They start using things about you, your personality, that aren't true, and you start defending yourself in the middle of trying to fix the root cause of the conflict. Now you are completely lost to , and the light at the end of the tunnel went out. Simply put, this little speed bump has turned into a huge obstacle for you - and to top it off, your character of this game is defeated.

As a child you learned to adapt and you are accustomed to always putting the other's needs/feelings first, you may find yourself apologizing for wrongdoings you didn't commit in order to restore harmony and peace in that relationship. God knows, your partner doesn't admit his mistakes - and you know that days or even weeks may pass before he/she stops punishing you with his detachment from you, and this cold war will finally end (not for long anyway). You tried to be smarter and smoothed out these conflicts, but have you ever done this to you - or is it just your business to do the right thing?

Everyone who comes to me for help recovering from this relationship has been mired in guilt and shame. It doesn't feel like that after a breakup, and you just can't walk away - not with a shattered ego, anyway. You are hurt and in pain - and the worst part is that you are beating yourself up for it! A long-term belief might be something like " I feel bad in this relationship, it must be for sure my wine ", but that's a false assumption you acquired as a child.

What does love have to do with it?

Love is an abstract concept for someone with borderline personality disorder - and it's associated with pain. as dramatic, painful sensations that are confused with emotions towards an inattentive / inaccessible parent in childhood, which are caused by unrequited (or unrequited) love (maybe true about you?)

The Borderlines carry with them a huge toxic shame of never feeling worthy of love in early childhood. They lived with a sense of the need to earn the love of a parent (giving expensive gifts, visiting even if they don't want to, etc.) in order to earn approval and acceptance. They also did it to you. Every time they acted charming, kind and seductive - it was done because of an inner need recognition - and this has nothing to do with you.

The paradoxical nature of the borderline is difficult to understand, as their reaction is often the opposite of how you think someone should react, and this confuses you. For example, the closer you get to him/her, the more they move away. In healthy people, love and trust grow over time, and the intimate connection becomes deeper over time. With the borderline, once they feel safe and good, the doubts of being abandoned are aroused, the fears of attachment are right in front of them - and they push you away. Their survival depends on it because to love for them means that devastating pain will follow invariably. You cannot change this .

The deep need of the borderline for love does not disappear, but when you feed it, the dramatic feelings that are associated with desire/longing for this love evaporate! Infatuation exalts, but it disappears. Love is a stable feeling - and therefore unacceptable for the borderline.

By analogy, you may wish for your favorite food. You have to satisfy that need, that appetite, and you don't want anything else. After you have eaten, your need is satisfied and you are satisfied. Same with the borderline - once you satisfy their hunger for love, the feelings of "love" disappear. Feelings of love and pain have become intertwined for them, a person with borderline disorder is sure - if it is not brings pain , probably not love - so people who are able to give them the love they really need are taken as meaningless, punished or pushed aside. Have you experienced something similar before in your life?

This paradox is nothing but torment - if we are always looking for the approval of a parent or an older brother / sister of approval and love, but we do not receive - no matter as we try to invest in this relationship! This attachment can also be felt as a conclusion when our self-worth was dependent on a distorted reflection of dysfunctional others. It's like looking into a distorted mirror every day and getting to the point of accepting that then the display is real and accurate. Border simply re-open old wounds .

Much of your confusion and anguish may have started in childhood if you had an abusive or neglectful parent and the other parent told you that it was just "that's how he/she loves you". You were hurt by your mom or dad, and another relative may have comforted you by convincing you that the pain you were given was love can blur your understanding of this emotion, and spoil you for life! Should you doubt the parent or accept the lies you've been told? How could you have done this as a child?

Because you loved your parents unconditionally - despite the fact that they were the source of your pain, you learned to accept that "love" comes with pain - and this became the template for your relationship that all your adult close relationships were built on. . Borderlines are affected by similar factors, and this painful childhood experience often creates different addictions.

You might assume that since you are both damaged internally, why shouldn't that be the reason for a compatible, successful relationship? Have you ever seen two small children playing together - but when there is a fight between them, they have no ability to resolve conflicts and intervention is required adult ? Lack of adulthood means conflict escalates and there is no such thing as problem solving, which is why couples therapists thrive . You experienced this with your borderline partner, and either you gave up/yielded, or you left/run away until the tension subsided - only to come back and find that the conflict had passed without resolution of , and this cycle repeats over and over again.

Love perspective, loss and hate

It's not that the border guards never wanted love - but that they could never trust . Partners who sometimes meet their intimacy needs are less intimidating than those who can give it on a consistent basis.

Trying to get someone's approval by being someone you're not to keep the borderline interested in you, will never work. This is deeply rooted in your childhood, in which you learned to sacrifice huge chunks of yourself in order to get a little care, approval or affection from your loved ones. If you think that you can control this relationship, you are setting yourself up for serious pain. you can't win against a damaged/dysfunctioning person, but your ego definitely wants to keep trying - even against all odds.

To love the borderline always means walking on a tight rope, which is tied only to their emotional comfort, feelings or needs - and in this relationship there is not a single centimeter for yours! You will spend a lot of time and energy thinking about how to keep your balance on this thin rope so as not to fall and break your head - but this is a futile exercise. The truth is, the more you give to this person, the less they respect you. And how can they if you can't respect yourself enough to firmly defend your interests and desires?

Dance of the Star

I am sometimes approached by psychotherapists who need help with particularly difficult borderline patients/clients. Few have been able to take control of the therapeutic relationship with the borderline - intense drama, chaos and violence go their way during the sessions. During consultations, I train them to set very strong limits and boundaries, and get their control back. Angry, offensive borderline literally yell at to contain them. The therapist must understand that these patients need to be treated differently than others and protect themselves during the entire process - even if it means leaving the office for a few minutes during the appointment. Ultimately, there is no justification for violence - you cannot have a constructive dialogue with a three-year-old child.

There may be concerns that the borderline "homeless" type might harm themselves in response to solid, direct treatment, but the exact opposite is actually the case. As I mentioned in my other literature, the borderline is almost like someone without a leather in which they are held. As a good parent, you should give them a shell, and nothing else. This is the only way that makes them feel cared for and safe. When husbands learn to do this with their borderline wives, their home life becomes much more bearable and even enjoyable.

Your star is emotionally a small child who lacks impulse control and boundaries. Don't believe me? Ask any filmmaker . Expect resistance, stand firm on your feet.

A small child cannot restrain his feelings for a long time, and emotional lack of control is a natural phase of development. They get very disappointed if you promise something you can't deliver - and they will hate you and get angry or pout when it doesn't work out "my way". Usually after a fairly short period their temperament changes and they giggle again and love you again - and if you've actually spent any time with a small child, you know how easy it is to cheer them up. Perhaps just enough candy!

Part of these subconscious processes concerns their need to learn your limits and how far they can go with you before being punished. This stage is usually referred to as "two bad guys", but it goes on for a while - and at times you get so frustrated that you find yourself thinking "how do I get rid of this rascal / rascal". The Frontiers have not developed their own - shell and like a small child, they depend on you to create rules to make them feel secure. They will constantly test these limits because they have not developed their own - and their lack of impulse control is what Sigmund Freud called the "Id" ( It )" or children's impulses that determine their need for immediate gratification. that their survival depends on it.If adulthood has not been successfully developed, narcissism is usually the result.The emotionally undeveloped person constantly struggles with relationship difficulties, addictions, signs of personality disorder, low self-esteem, and low tolerance for the lure of instant gratification.

High-functioning frontiers in a psychotherapeutic society may develop strong clinical skills - but often retain eccentric push/pull actions in their personal relationships. Genuine friendships and close relationships with colleagues are often sabotaged when the other is seen as more gifted than them because their toxic shame is (inevitably) evoked.

Some material on the internet mentions "hoovering". I generally refrain from using hackneyed phrases associated with this disorder, but this particular one accurately describes the nature of the borderline in wanting / wanting you, once they realize that you are no longer available. This task is to pull you back into when that craving arises. The craving for you comes from the desire to bring you back, that's what this word covers. Once their appetite is satisfied, their interest in you disappears again - and this repeating cycle continues until one of you gets tired and loses health from it.

You probably want to get away from this toxic relationship, but you can't imagine "quitting" your borderline.
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