Do aspies fall in love
Romantic Relationships for Young Adults With Asperger's Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism
Tony Attwood, MSc PhD AFBPsS MAPS MCCP
Clinical Psychologist and Senior Consultant
Minds & Hearts
Brisbane, Australia
Date Published:
February 20, 2009
While a young adult with classic autism may appear content with a solitary “monastic” lifestyle, this is often not the case with young adults who have Asperger’s syndrome or high-functioning autism. Clinical experience has identified that the majority of such adolescents and young adults would like a romantic relationship. However, there is remarkably little research examining this aspect of autism spectrum disorders (ASDs) or strategies to facilitate successful relationships.
We know that young adults with Asperger’s syndrome have significant difficulty developing peer relationships and are developmentally delayed in knowing what someone may be thinking or feeling. Typical children do this naturally and have practised relationship skills with family members and friends for many years before applying these abilities to achieve a successful romantic relationship. Young adults with a diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome or high-functioning autism also have conspicuously limited social conversational skills or ability to communicate emotions, especially affection. They also can have an extreme sensitivity to particular sensory experiences. All of these diagnostic characteristics will affect relationship skills throughout childhood, and will eventually limit an adult’s ability to achieve a long-term successful relationship.
To achieve a successful relationship, a person also needs to understand and respect him- or herself. 1 Self-understanding and self-reflection can be particularly difficult for people with Asperger’s syndrome.2 Self-respect will have been adversely affected by being rejected, ridiculed and tormented by peers.
3 Adolescents with Asperger’s syndrome also are gullible and vulnerable to being given misinformation on relationships by fellow teenagers. This can include instances of being deceived and “set up.” For example, a teenager with Asperger’s syndrome was lonely and longing for a girlfriend. His requests for a date had been consistently rejected. Then a very popular and attractive girl in his class suggested the two of them go for a date at the cinema. He was so happy and the date was progressing well, when the girl became embarrassed and confessed that she asked to go out with him only to complete a dare from her friends. He was devastated.
Love and Affection
People with an autism spectrum disorder have difficulties understanding and expressing emotions, and an emotion that is particularly confusing to people with ASD is love. Typical children and adults enjoy frequent expressions of affection, know how to express affection to communicate reciprocal feelings of adoration and love, and know when to repair someone’s feelings by expressions of affection.
A child or an adult with ASD may not seek the same depth and frequency of expressions of love through acts of affection, or realize that an expression of affection is expected in a particular situation and would be enjoyed by the other person. He or she can be bewildered as to why other people appear to be “obsessed” with expressing love for each other. Someone with an ASD also may be conspicuously immature in his or her expressions of affection, and sometimes may perceive these expressions of affection as aversive experiences. For example, a hug may be perceived as an uncomfortable squeeze that restricts movement. The person can become confused or overwhelmed when expected to demonstrate and enjoy relatively modest expressions of affection. I have recently developed a cognitive behaviour therapy program for children and adolescents with Asperger’s syndrome to explain the emotion of love and the ways to express that you like or love someone. The program soon will be evaluated in a research study conducted by the University of Queensland in Australia.
Special Interests
One of the diagnostic characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome is the development of a special interest that is unusual in terms of its focus or intensity. In adolescence and early adult years, the focus can be a person, which could be interpreted as a typical teenage “crush,” but the intensity and some of the associated behaviours could lead to accusations of stalking or harassment. The predisposition to develop a special interest can have other effects on the development of relationship knowledge. Special interests have many functions for people with Asperger’s syndrome, and one of these is to acquire knowledge to understand bewildering aspects of their experiences. 4 Teenagers with Asperger’s syndrome often are eager to understand and experience the social and relationship world of their peers, including romantic relationships and sexual experiences, but there can be problems regarding the source of information on relationships and sexuality.
An adolescent with Asperger’s syndrome usually has few, if any, friends with whom he or she can discuss and be informed about relationship topics such as romantic or sexual feelings and the codes of sexual behaviour. Unfortunately, the source of information on relationships for adolescents with Asperger’s syndrome can be pornography for males and television “soap operas” for females. The person with Asperger’s syndrome can assume that the actions in pornographic material provide a script of what to say or do on a date, but this misunderstanding could lead to being charged with a sexual offence. The charges tend to be for sexually inappropriate behaviour rather than sexually abusive or sexually violent behaviour.
5 Adolescent women with Asperger’s syndrome may use television programs and films as source material to learn about relationships, and fail to recognize that the actions and themes are not an accurate portrayal of how to achieve and maintain a relationship in real life.
Clinical experience indicates that previously socially excluded and unpopular teenage girls with Asperger’s syndrome have, after the physical changes that occur at puberty, become flattered by the attention of teenage boys. Due to her naivety, the adolescent girl may not recognize that the interest is sexual and not a way for the boy to simply enjoy her personality, company, or conversation. She may have no female friends to accompany her on a first date, or provide advice on dating and the social and sexual codes; consequently her parents may become concerned about her vulnerability to promiscuity, adverse sexual experiences, and date rape.
The Relationship Continuum
There is a relationship continuum from being an acquaintance to being a partner. People with Asperger’s syndrome can have difficulties at each stage on the continuum. To progress along the relationship continuum from a friend to a boyfriend or girlfriend, an adolescent or a young adult with Asperger’s syndrome needs to understand the art of flirting and romance in order to accurately read the signals of mutual attraction and understand the dating game.
These abilities are not intuitive for people with Asperger’s syndrome. I am often asked by teenagers and young adults with Asperger’s syndrome, ‘How do I get a girlfriend/boyfriend?’ This is not an easy question to answer. One of the difficulties for people with Asperger’s syndrome can be to correctly interpret someone’s intentions. An act of kindness or compassion can be perceived as a signal of a deeper level of interest or more personal than was intended. I have had to explain to men with Asperger’s syndrome that the smile and personal attention of a female member of the cabin crew on an aircraft are signs of courtesy, not indications of a desire for a relationship.
Despite the problems in relationship skills experienced by many people with Asperger’s syndrome, some adults can progress along the relationship continuum and are able to experience romantic and subsequently intimate personal relationships, even becoming a lifelong partner. To achieve such a relationship, both partners initially would have noticed attractive qualities in the other person.
What are the characteristics that someone would find attractive in a young adult with Asperger’s syndrome?
Attractive Qualities of a Person With Asperger's Syndrome
Men with Asperger’s syndrome have many qualities that can be attractive to a prospective partner. 6 When conducting relationship counselling with one or both partners having the characteristics or diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome, I often ask the typical partner, ‘What were the qualities that made your partner attractive when you first met him/her?’ Many women describe their first impressions of their partner with Asperger’s syndrome as being someone who is kind, attentive, and socially or emotionally immature. The term “silent, handsome stranger” can be used to describe someone who seems relatively quiet and good looking. Physical characteristics and attentiveness can be important, especially if the woman has doubts regarding her own self-esteem and physical attractiveness. The man’s lack of social and conversational skills can lead to his being perceived as the “silent stranger” whose social naivety and immaturity can be transformed by a partner who is a natural expert on empathy, socializing, and conversation.
I have noted that many of the partners of men, and sometimes of women, with Asperger’s syndrome have been at the other end of the social and empathy continuum. They are intuitive experts in Theory of Mind, namely understanding and empathizing with someone else’s perspective. They are naturally gifted in the ability to understand the world as experienced by the person with Asperger’s syndrome, much more so than a person of average Theory of Mind abilities. They are understanding and sympathetic, and they provide guidance for their partner in social situations. Indeed, these are the characteristics that an adult with Asperger’s syndrome recognizes that he or she needs and would find desirable in a partner. He or she will actively seek a partner with intuitive social knowledge who can be a social interpreter, is naturally nurturing, is socially able, and is maternal. However, while a socially insightful and empathic partner may understand the perspective of the person with Asperger’s syndrome, the person with Asperger’s syndrome has considerable difficulty understanding the perspective of his or her typical partner.
The attractiveness of a person with Asperger’s syndrome in a prospective relationship can be enhanced by intellectual ability, career prospects, and degree of attentiveness during courtship. Sometimes, however, this attentiveness could be perceived by others as almost obsessive, and the words and actions appear to have been learned from watching Hollywood romantic movies. The person can be admired for speaking his mind, even if the comments may be perceived as offensive by others, due to his strong sense of social justice and clear moral beliefs. The fact that he may not be “macho” or wish to spend time with other men at sporting events or drinking alcohol also can be appealing for some women. The person with Asperger’s syndrome can be a late developer in terms of relationship experiences, which also can be an attractive feature. There may be no previous relationship “baggage.” I also have had many women describe to me how their partner with Asperger’s syndrome resembled their father.
Having a parent with the signs of Asperger’s syndrome may have contributed to their choice of partner as an adult.
What are the characteristics that men find attractive in a woman with Asperger’s syndrome? The attributes can be similar to the characteristics women find appealing in a man with Asperger’s syndrome, especially the degree of attentiveness. The woman’s social immaturity may be appealing to those men who have natural paternal and compassionate qualities. There can be an appreciation of her physical attractiveness and admiration for her talents and abilities. Unfortunately, women (and sometimes men) with Asperger’s syndrome are not very good at making character judgments or identifying relationship predators. Women with Asperger’s syndrome often have low self-esteem, which can affect their choice of partner in a relationship. They can be the victim of various forms of abuse. As one woman with Asperger’s explained to me, ‘I set my expectations very low and as a result gravitated toward abusive people.
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Strategies To Improve Relationship Skills
People with Asperger’s syndrome will require guidance in relationship skills at each point on the relationship continuum and probably throughout their lives. Children will need guidance from a speech pathologist in the art of conversation, and strategies to improve friendship skills throughout the school years from a teacher or psychologist. The development of friendship skills must be a priority for educational services that support a child with Asperger’s syndrome, as greater maturity and ability in friendship skills will improve self-esteem, reduce incidents of being teased or bullied, lay the foundations for adult relationship skills, and encourage teamwork abilities for successful employment. 7 Adolescents will need accurate information on attraction, the dating game, and sexuality. While this information is easily available for typical teenagers, often from friends, parents, classroom programs, and gradual experience, it may not be as easily available for a teenager with Asperger’s syndrome.
The lack of peer guidance, group discussion, and practice will inhibit the development of relationship skills. Fortunately, we now have programs on relationships and sexuality specifically designed for adolescents and young adults with Asperger’s syndrome, 8, 9, 10, 11 and advice from fellow teenagers with Asperger’s syndrome. 12 Some clinicians and therapists, particularly in Australia, are developing resource material and expertise in teaching relationship skills to adolescents and young adults with Asperger’s syndrome. The education ranges from improving knowledge on dating etiquette and dress sense to learning ways to identify and avoid sexual predators. A valuable strategy is to have a socially perceptive friend or relative meet a prospective date to determine whether the person appears to be of good character, before developing a relationship.
Young adults will need encouragement and opportunities to make acquaintances and friends. This can include joining a hobby or interest group that is associated with a special interest, such as attending a Star Trek or Dr Who convention, or it may involve an application of a talent, such as having a natural ability with animals and joining an animal protection group.
There can be opportunities to make friends at community activities such as a local choir or adult education classes. Local Asperger’s syndrome support groups for parents have established support groups for young adults with Asperger’s syndrome. This can provide an opportunity for a professional to address the group and provide discussion and guidance in relationships. Such groups also can be an opportunity for relationships to develop between group members. The relationship that developed between Jerry and Mary, two adults with Asperger’s syndrome who met at a support group in Los Angeles, has been the subject of a film and book. 13 Some adults with Asperger’s syndrome have used the Internet and dating agencies to meet people, but this method of introduction also can be used by relationship predators, and an adult with Asperger’s syndrome needs to be aware of the many risks associated with using this strategy.
I have noted that adults who had clear signs of autism in early childhood (that is, significant language delay, learning difficulties, and avoidance of social situations), and who in later childhood progressed to a description of high-functioning autism, are often less motivated to seek a long-term relationship.
They are more likely to be content with solitude and celibacy and having acquaintances rather than friends. A sense of self-identity and personal value is achieved by having a successful career and being independent. Temple Grandin is a well-known example.14 Some adults with Asperger’s syndrome also have decided not to seek an intimate relationship with someone for legitimate reasons when one considers the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome. Jennifer explained her rationale: ‘Can I deal with sharing a house with someone who might possibly touch my model airplane collection?’ and ‘Model airplanes do not decide that they want to be built by someone else who is more attractive or less needy.’ 15 Her life does include moments of intense personal satisfaction. She states, ‘I can assure you that being in love and having special interests are much the same feeling.’ Not having a relationship can be a positive choice for some adults with Asperger’s syndrome or high-functioning autism who enjoy pursuing and are fulfilled by their special interests, such as wildlife photography or a career in information technology.
They are content not to be swept away by the cultural belief that marriage or a long-term relationship is the only way to achieve happiness.
Areas For Future Research
We know that adults with Asperger’s syndrome have considerable difficulty progressing along the relationship continuum, but we lack research that provides quantitative and qualitative data on their relationship abilities, circumstances, and experiences. There is research on the friendship abilities of children with Asperger’s syndrome that has recently been reviewed, 16 but very little research on boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and sexuality. Dr. Isabelle Hénault, from Montreal, and I have been conducting research on the sexual profile of adults with Asperger’s syndrome, and preliminary results indicate a different profile than typical adults in terms of poorer body image and fewer sexual experiences, although sexual interest usually develops at the same time as in adolescent peers. There also can be a more liberal attitude to sexual diversity such as homosexuality and bisexuality, and a rich fantasy life and sexual imagery.
There may be less concern regarding age and cultural differences in a relationship. However, there needs to be more research, and the Interactive Autism Network database may be extremely useful in providing information on romantic relationships for adolescents and young adults with Asperger’s syndrome and high-functioning autism.
Additional Resources:
- See IAN's section on Adults (and Teens) with Autism for articles about employment, independent living skills, college, health care, driving, and personal relationships.
- IAN's series on adulthood, including independent living skills and college, begins with Coming of Age: Autism and the Transition to Adulthood
References:
- Lawson, W.(2005). Sex, sexuality and the autism spectrum. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
- Frith, U., & Happé, F. (1999). Theory of mind and self-consciousness: What is it like to be autistic? Mind & Language, 14(1), 1-22. View Abstract
- Attwood, T.
(2006). The complete guide to Asperger’s syndrome. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. - Attwood, T. (2003). Understanding and managing circumscribed interests. In M. Prior (Ed.), Learning and behavior problems in Asperger syndrome. New York: The Guilford Press.
- Ray, F., Marks, C., & Bray-Garretson, H. (2004). Challenges to treating adolescents with Asperger’s syndrome who are sexually abusive. Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 11(4), 265–285. View Abstract
- Aston, M. (2003). Aspergers in love: Couple relationships and family affairs. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
- Attwood, T. (2006). The complete guide to Asperger's syndrome. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
- Aston, M. (2008). The Asperger couple’s workbook: Practical advice and activities for couples and counsellors: London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
- Attwood, S. (2008). Making sense of sex: A forthright guide to puberty, sex and relationships for people with Asperger's syndrome.
London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. - Edmonds, G., & Worton, D. (2005). The Asperger love guide: A practical guide for adults with Asperger’s syndrome to seeking, establishing and maintaining successful relationships. London: Sage Publications.
- Hénault, I. (2005). Asperger’s syndrome and sexuality: From adolescence through adulthood. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
- Jackson, L. (2002). Freaks, geeks and Asperger syndrome: A user guide to adolescence. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
- Newport, J., & Newport, M. (2007). Mozart and the whale: An Asperger's love story. New York: Allen & Unwin.
- Grandin, T. (1995). Thinking in pictures and other reports from my life with autism. New York: Doubleday.
- McIlwee Myers, J. (2006). Dating, relationships and marriage. In T. Attwood, T. Grandin, T. Bolick, C. Faherty, L. Iland, J. McIlwee Myers, et al., Asperger's and girls (pp.
106-145). Arlington, Texas: Future Horizons Inc. - Attwood, T. (2006). The complete guide to Asperger’s syndrome. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Dating Someone With Asperger's? Here's How To Strengthen Your Bond
All relationships can get complex at times. Dating someone with Asperger’s is no exception, and it brings its own joys and opportunities.
If your partner is on the autism spectrum and you aren’t, it’s natural and not uncommon for both of you to wonder about each other’s reactions or behaviors.
You might find yourselves searching for ways to address your concerns and tips on how to strengthen your bond.
Learning more about autism and Asperger’s can help you navigate some of the situations that may arise. This, in turn, might become the first step toward a stronger relationship.
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is an umbrella term for a number of conditions, some of which were previously diagnosed separately.
Asperger syndrome, also referred to as Asperger’s, is one of these conditions.
In this article, we’ll be referring to dating someone who has previously received an Asperger’s diagnosis or who identifies with this term.
According to Eva Mendes, LMHC, NCC, a diagnosis of Asperger’s is defined mainly by differences in social communication and emotional regulation reciprocity.
“The communication challenges can be verbal or nonverbal,” Mendes, a psychotherapist who works with adults with Asperger’s, told Psych Central. “Sometimes they can also have rigid behavior patterns and routines.”
“They also tend to have sensory sensitivities,” she added. “That can cause issues with relationships because sometimes they have trouble with touch and sound, and sight and smell and taste.”
These differences in how someone with Asperger’s communicates, perceives touch, and reacts to your emotional expressions might be confusing at first.
Despite the potential challenges, though, it’s possible for a neurotypical person — one who is not on the autism spectrum — to develop a fulfilling long-term relationship with someone with Asperger’s.
Language Matters
In 2013, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.) removed Asperger’s as a standalone diagnosis and made it part of one umbrella diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (ASD).
However, some people who were previously diagnosed with Asperger’s still self-identify with the term.
In this article, we use Asperger’s to refer to those people who received the diagnosis or who still identify with it.
In the past, it was believed that a diagnosis of Asperger’s or autism was incompatible with love and relationships. But love is an emotion that can be fully experienced by nearly anyone, despite differences in perception, social interaction patterns, or emotional expression.
In other words, someone with Asperger’s is capable of falling in love. There are, however, some potential challenges both of you could experience along the way. But, isn’t this the case for most relationships?
Some of the challenges might come, in part, from what researcher Damian Milton has called the “double empathy problem.
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The concept refers to the potential difficulty both neurodivergent and neurotypical people may have when attempting to understand each other.
This is not “a problem” someone in the relationship has. Instead, it’s a common occurrence when two people with different outlooks and experiences relate to each other.
According to Milton, autistic people don’t lack empathy, as some people may inaccurately believe.
Neurodivergent people express emotions differently, mostly based on their particular way of experiencing the world.
This might make it difficult for nonautistic people to understand and sometimes empathize with an autistic person.
The same can be said for autistic people understanding nonautistic individuals. It’s a bidirectional experience.
The major challenge comes from assuming that the nonautistic way is the correct and only way.
This might lead to assuming that the autistic partner must make a greater effort to understand and comply with the feelings and needs of the neurotypical partner.
A good starting point, then, for strengthening your bond with someone with Asperger’s might be considering that they shouldn’t always have to come all the way to you.
In other words, it may be important to understand that there’s no one way of “doing relationships,” and that the correct way to relate to others isn’t simply the neurotypical way.
You can meet the other person halfway, and sometimes, you can meet them all the way.
The same way a neurotypical person may be used to certain relationship patterns, a person with Asperger’s may relate to others from their experience, too.
This presents with unique opportunities to learn to relate in different ways. Here are some of the ways someone with Asperger’s may relate to you that may be surprising at first.
Flirting is perceived differently
A person with Asperger’s may not notice your subtle hints when flirting. You may be using your best “moves,” and they could go unnoticed.
“Sometimes, they don’t know when someone is interested in them or flirting with them unless someone is very explicit,” Mendes explained.
This doesn’t mean they aren’t interested. Instead, they could not be reading or interpreting your cues correctly. You may need to be more direct if you’re interested in some romance.
Taking initiative may be up to you
Making the first move, or organizing a date, may be a difficult task for your partner with Asperger’s. This, again, is not necessarily lack of interest. Instead, it may be linked to potential challenges in executive functioning.
Executive functions are cognitive processes that have a direct impact on behavior. They’re what makes you formulate a plan when you set a goal, for example.
“Sometimes there is lack of initiation; [someone with Asperger’s] might hesitate to ask their partner out on a date,” said Mendes. “Executive functioning is planning and organizing tasks […], and a lot of them do struggle [in that aspect].”
Apparent lack of support
When you’re dating someone with Asperger’s, there might be times when you feel a lack of emotional support or understanding from them.
For example, your partner might not notice when you’re feeling sad or not know how to respond when you tell them you are. This doesn’t mean they don’t care.
“They may miss cues about how their partner is feeling [and] there might be a lack of emotional reciprocity,” Mendes said.
In the same way, it might be possible for you to miss cues about how your neurodivergent partner is feeling because they express these feelings in a different way. This might make them believe you’re not being supportive.
Tough love
When dating a person with Asperger’s, you may find you’re on the receiving end of some blunt comments. Experts say it’s important to remember that your partner may not have meant to upset you. It might be just a matter of differing communication styles.
In the same way that someone with Asperger’s might not realize you’re flirting with them until you clearly state your interest, they may be inclined to tell you what they feel or think directly without subtleties.
“Sometimes, a lot of people on the spectrum don’t have a filter,” Mendes explained.
This means they might say things without realizing the content or tone they’re using. This could lead to some friction unless you understand there’s no intention to upset you.
Verbally expressing love
You may find your partner with Asperger’s doesn’t say “I love you,” or express their emotions, as often as you need them to.
Mendes says this may be because, to your partner, the love between you two has already been established. They might see no need to vocalize emotions any further.
“If their partner says ‘I love you,’ they may say it once and then they feel like ‘I don’t need to say it again because it hasn’t changed,” Mendes explained.
A mismatched libido
Sometimes, people with Asperger’s might have a significantly lower or higher sex drive than some people not living on the spectrum.
As with any romantic relationship, a mismatched sex drive could potentially lead to some difficulties.
“Sometimes, people on the spectrum might have a low sex drive, so that can be a little mismatched. Although that’s not true for everyone,” said Mendes.
Mendes says there are many ways to address the differences and challenges you may experience when dating a person with Asperger’s.
It’s important to remember that “your way” is not necessarily “the way” to a successful relationship. This applies both ways, and compromises are required from both parties.
Communication is everythingMendes suggests that all couples schedule time each day to talk about how each partner is feeling. This could also be an opportunity to air any grievances.
Scheduling this time, she says, is particularly important when dating a person with Asperger’s.
“Sometimes when you have a partner on the spectrum, those random conversations or points of connection aren’t happening, so one has to be deliberate about it,” she said.
Saving time to communicate about your feelings and expectations can help you both understand where the other person is coming from.
When having these moments, it’s important to make a conscious decision that whatever is said will not end up in a fight. Your partner might have different needs or different perceptions about your needs.
Clear and straightforward communication is an opportunity to learn about these perceptions and clarify any misconceptions.
Be clear about intimacy needs“In terms of intimacy issues in the bedroom, you want to be very explicit in communication,” Mendes explained.
“I have one couple where the spouse might say to their partner, ‘Hey! Tonight I think it’ll be good to have sexy time,’ and the partner is like, ‘OK, I’ll be ready!’” Mendes said. “They can get themselves mentally prepared and ration their energies if that’s going to happen.”
Mendes says this approach may feel unromantic to some people but argues it’s important to be explicit and not assume physical or emotional intimacy is going to happen spontaneously.
You might also come up with additional ways to express your emotional and physical intimacy needs to your partner.
For example, you could set alarms for them to call you at specific times of the day just to check in. Or you could remind them you enjoy it when they say “I love you” before leaving the house.
Understanding the need to be more explicit with your partner in order to get what you need can help avoid feelings of rejection.
It’s also important to ask your partner with Asperger’s if they’d like you to do or avoid certain things so they feel your love.
Research Asperger’sLearning more about Asperger’s may help you better understand your partner.
Mendes uses the example of a couple she works with where one partner has sensory differences.
In that case, the partner with Asperger’s didn’t like being touched on the shoulders. Whenever their partner would initiate touch in that area, they would flinch. Then, their partner would feel rejected by this reaction.
Reading more about sensory differences in people on the spectrum helped the neurotypical partner understand this reaction.
They were then able to work together to find other zones that were better for touch.
Learning more about Asperger’s but also asking your partner about their preferences could help you bond in new ways.
Let them know how you feelCommunication is key in any relationship, particularly one where differences may be more evident.
Mendes says it’s important, for example, to let your partner know when the language they’re using feels hurtful or upsetting to you.
“There’s a lot of misunderstandings with how people on the spectrum phrase things. They can be very blunt; they can have no filter,” Mendes explained.
Understanding that this is how they communicate is important. Similarly, you may be communicating in a way that makes your partner feel misunderstood or challenged.
It may be a good idea to let them know how you feel and ask them how they feel.
It’s also important not to assume verbal communication is the best approach for your partner with Asperger’s.
They might prefer other communication outlets when feeling overwhelmed, such as sensory input.
If you believe your partner with Asperger’s may not provide all of the emotional support you need, consider seeking help outside the relationship.
Mendes advises practicing self-care and seeking emotional support through other avenues.
Reaching out to your friends or family can help. You may also consider getting a pet, she says.
It’s not uncommon to feel guilty for investing time and effort in you and your needs outside of your relationship. However, when dating someone with Asperger’s, doing this could take the pressure off your partner and help you meet some of your needs.
In the same way, your partner may also feel the need to reach out for support in other spaces. Support groups or therapy can be a great alternative for both of you.
Reaching out for professional help can facilitate strengthening any relationship.
If you and your partner are trying to work on your challenges and establish better communication, couples counseling could help.
Seeking someone who specializes in supporting autistic people is highly recommended.
“If you feel like there are some recurring things, and you talk about it a few times and you’re just not getting any traction, sometimes it’s just helpful to have a neutral third person there,” says Mendes.
“All of a sudden, hearing it from another perspective will open your mind a bit and make you feel lighter. You might even realize, ‘Wow! I’m actually happier in this relationship than I thought I was!’”
Being in a romantic relationship with someone with Asperger’s might bring its own opportunities.
Whether you just started dating a person with Asperger’s or you’ve been married to them for a while, there are a few practical ways to strengthen your bond.
Learning more about Asperger’s, becoming aware of the opportunities, and seeking professional help are some of the ways you could work together.
“With hard work, awareness, and the right counselor that specializes in this […] you can create a good relationship,” Mendes concluded.
How can romantic relationships develop in young people with Asperger's syndrome and high-functioning autism?
04/19/14
Clinical psychologist, specializing in Asperger syndrome, about the features of romantic and intimate relationships in adults with RAS
Author: Tony Etwood / Tony Attwood
Translation: Tamara Solomatina
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While young people with classic autism usually suffice with a solitary “hermit” lifestyle, people with Asperger's syndrome and high-functioning autism often do not. Clinical studies have shown that most of these adolescents and young adults are interested in romantic relationships. However, very little research addresses this aspect of autism spectrum disorders or strategies for successfully developing these relationships.
We know that young people with Asperger's have significant difficulty developing relationships with peers and understanding what the other person may be thinking or feeling. Ordinary children learn this naturally and practice the skills to develop relationships with family members and friends long before they use these abilities to successfully develop romantic relationships. Young people diagnosed with Asperger's and high-functioning autism have limited communication skills and may find it difficult to express emotions, especially affection. They may also have very high sensitivity to certain sensory experiences. All of these diagnostic characteristics affect relationship-forming skills as the child grows and will ultimately reduce the adult's chances of a successful long-term relationship.
Love and affection
People with autism spectrum disorders have difficulty understanding and expressing emotions, and the most difficult emotion for such people is love. Ordinary children and adults often express their affection with pleasure, know how to express it to exchange mutual feelings of affection and love, and know how to support someone through the expression of affection.
A child or adult with autism may not need the same depth and frequency of expressions of love through actions, or may not realize that the situation requires them to display their affection in a way that would please the other person. He or she may be annoyed by how "obsessed" other people are with expressing love for each other.
Some autistics may be obviously immature in their expressions of affection and sometimes perceive them as a negative experience. For example, a hug may feel uncomfortable and limit movement. A person may become embarrassed or overwhelmed when expected to express and accept fairly moderate expressions of love. I recently developed a cognitive behavioral therapy program for children and adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome that teaches them about the emotion of love and how to express that you love or feel sympathy for someone. The program will soon be evaluated in a study conducted by the University of Queensland in Australia.
Special interests
One of the diagnostic characteristics of Asperger's syndrome is the development of a special interest that is unusual in its object and significance.
For adolescents and young adults, the target is sometimes a person, which can be interpreted as a typical teenage crush, but the degree of interest and associated behavior often lead to accusations of stalking and harassment. The propensity to develop a special interest can also influence the emergence of relationship knowledge in other ways. Special interests help people with Asperger's in many ways, including acquiring the knowledge to understand the annoying aspects of their life experiences. Adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome often seek to understand and experience in terms of communication and relationships, including romantic and sexual ones, the same as their peers, but they may have problems with sources of information about relationships and sexuality.
A teenager with Asperger's syndrome has few or no friends with whom to discuss topics such as romantic or sexual feelings and sexual behavior. Unfortunately, the only source of information for teens with Asperger's can be either porn movies for boys or soap operas for girls.
A person with Asperger's Syndrome may decide that the actions shown in pornographic material can serve as a "script" of what to say or do on a date, but this misunderstanding can lead to allegations of harassment. Such allegations are more often related to inappropriate behavior than to violent or aggressive acts of a sexual nature. Girls with Asperger's Syndrome may use movies and TV shows as a source of knowledge about relationships and fail to recognize that TV shows do not accurately reflect the beginning and development of relationships in real life.
Clinical studies show that unpopular girls with Asperger's syndrome, who are not accepted into any company, after the physical changes that occurred during puberty, are flattered by the attention from boys. Because of her naivety, the girl may not realize that their interest is sexual in nature, and not at all a desire to simply communicate with her and spend time in her company. She may not have female friends to take her on a first date or give her advice on social and sexual rules.
Her parents may have strong concerns about her vulnerability to negative sexual experiences and possible date rape.
Long-term relationship
There is a transition from acquaintance to partnership in the relationship. Individuals with Asperger's may find it difficult to cope with each step of this transition. To move from friend to partner status, a teenager or young person with Asperger's needs to understand the art of flirting in order to accurately read the signals of mutual sympathy and not get lost during dates. People with Asperger's do not understand this intuitively. These teens and young adults often ask me, “How can I find a boyfriend/girlfriend?” And this question is not easy to answer. One of the difficulties can be the correct interpretation of someone's intentions. A simple expression of kindness or sympathy can be taken much more seriously than intended. I have had to explain to men with Asperger's that the smile and attention from female flight attendants are just courtesies, not a desire to start a relationship.
Despite the relationship problems that most people with Asperger's have, some can develop relationships and form romantic and intimate relationships, even marriage. To achieve this level of relationship, partners need to initially notice the attractive qualities of each other. What is so attractive about a young person with Asperger's Syndrome?
Attractive qualities of people with Asperger's syndrome
Men with Asperger's syndrome may have a wide range of qualities that are attractive to a future partner. When I counsel couples in which one or both partners have characteristics or a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, I often ask the neurotypical partner, "What qualities did your partner draw you to when you first met?" Many women describe that a partner with Asperger's syndrome initially impressed them as kind, considerate, but socially or emotionally immature. The term "silent handsome stranger" is often used to describe anyone who seems relatively quiet and likeable.
Appearance and attention can become very important, especially if a woman has doubts about her own self-esteem and physical attractiveness. Lack of social and conversational skills lead to the formation of the image of the "mysterious stranger", whose naivety and immaturity the partner can compensate for by becoming an expert in empathy, socialization and communication.
I have noticed that the partners of many men and sometimes women with Asperger's are on the other end of the social and empathic spectrum. On an intuitive level, they are experts in the "model of the mental" (understanding someone else's consciousness), that is, they understand and sympathize with the experiences of other people. They have the gift of seeing the world as it appears to people with Asperger's to a much greater extent than people with average empathy. Being understanding and sympathetic, they help their partner cope with difficulties in social situations. Undoubtedly, adults with Asperger's Syndrome need these traits and want to see them in a potential partner.
He or she will actively seek out someone with intuitive social skills, someone who will explain social situations to them, educate them, and care for them. However, while a socially gifted and empathetic partner may be able to understand the experiences of a person with Asperger's Syndrome, that person will have significant difficulty understanding their neurotypical partner.
Intellectual abilities, one's own career, and increased attention to one's partner during courtship can make a person with Asperger's syndrome more attractive. Sometimes, however, this attentiveness can be perceived by others as excessive, and words and actions will seem as if they were memorized from Hollywood romantic films. A person can be admired for his straightforwardness, even if his comments hurt other people, because of his strong desire for social justice and clear moral principles. The fact that he may not be "macho" at all or not eager to spend time with other men at sports matches can also be very attractive in the eyes of some women.
And the fact that a person with Asperger's syndrome entered into a relationship quite late can also be a plus. He may not have the "baggage" of previous relationships. I have also heard many women say that a partner with Asperger's Syndrome reminds them of their father. The fact that they grew up with a parent with Asperger's traits may also have influenced their choice of partner in adulthood.
What traits do men find attractive in women with Asperger's syndrome? They may be similar to what women find attractive in men with Asperger's, especially the degree to which they are attentive. The social immaturity of a woman can attract men who are prone to guardianship and compassion. They may admire her beauty or her talents and abilities. Unfortunately, women (and sometimes men) with Asperger's have a hard time assessing a person's character and knowing when a relationship becomes "dangerous." Such women often have low self-esteem, which affects their choice of a partner for a relationship.
They may become victims of various forms of violence. As one woman with Asperger's syndrome explained to me, "I had low expectations and as a result I was drawn to violent people."
Strategies to Improve Relationship Skills
People with Asperger's will need help developing relationships at every stage, and possibly throughout their lives. Younger children will need the help of a speech therapist to improve their conversational skills, and an educator or psychologist will help with friendship skills during their school years. Developing these skills should be a priority for an educational institution supporting a child with Asperger's Syndrome or High Functioning Autism, as positive friendship experiences will increase self-esteem, help avoid bullying from classmates, lay the foundation for developing friendships in the future, and improve teamwork abilities. for more successful employment.
Adolescents will need truthful information about attractiveness, courtship and sexuality.
While such information is readily available to typical adolescents (most often from parents, friends, and personal experiences), adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome may have difficulty obtaining it. Lack of peer help, adult information and practice will hinder the acquisition of relationship development skills. Fortunately, we now have special relationship and sexuality education programs designed specifically for teens and young people with Asperger's Syndrome that include the opportunity to get advice from a peer with the same syndrome. Several doctors and therapists in Australia are developing relationship skills training materials for adolescents and young people with Asperger's Syndrome. Such training will include everything from dating rules and a sense of style to ways to recognize and avoid dangerous partners. A valuable strategy here can be to meet socially receptive friends or relatives with a potential partner to determine if they are a good person before starting a relationship.
Young people will need support and opportunities to meet new people. Here you can offer to do something or join an interest group related to their own special passion, for example, take part in Star Trek or Doctor Who fan meetings, or apply their talents, say, to taking care of animals. and join an animal welfare group. There are also opportunities to make new friends at community events, such as a local choir or adult education courses. Local support groups for parents of children with Asperger's have also established support groups for young people with Asperger's. In this case, specialists can come to the group and hold a group discussion or give advice. Such groups can provide an opportunity for the development of relationships between members of the group. The relationship between Jerry and Mary, two people with Asperger's who met at a support group in Los Angeles, has been the subject of a book and film (Crazy in Love). Some people with Asperger's Syndrome use the Internet and dating agencies to get to know someone, but this method of dating can also be used by dangerous partners, so you need to take into account the high risk when using this dating strategy.
I have noticed that adults who had prominent signs of autism in childhood (significant language delay, learning difficulties, avoidance of social situations) but progressed to high-functioning autism later in life have much less desire to develop long-term relationships. Most likely, they will be content with loneliness and will not maintain sexual relations, preferring superficial acquaintances to friendship. A sense of self-identity and self-worth in such people is achieved through a successful career and an independent life. Temple Grandin is a good example of this. Some adults with Asperger's also choose not to form close relationships for reasons that seem logical given the traits associated with the syndrome.
Jennifer explains her decision: “How can I live in the same house with a person who can touch my collection of model airplanes?” And so: "Airplane models do not want to be designed by someone else, even if it is more attractive or less dependent." However, she is quite satisfied with her life.
She says, "I can assure you that falling in love and special interests are about the same feeling." For some people with Asperger's or high-functioning autism, giving up romantic relationships may be the right choice if they enjoy and fully devote themselves to their special interests, such as wildlife photography or a career in information technology. They don't fit the cultural mold that marriage and long-term relationships are the only way to achieve happiness.
Future research perspectives
We know that people with Asperger's have significant difficulties in developing relationships, but we lack research to provide us with qualitative and quantitative data about their relationship abilities, circumstances, and experiences. A study has recently been published on the ability to maintain friendships in children with Asperger's syndrome, but there is very little research on adolescent relationships and sexuality. Dr. Isabelle Henault of Montreal is conducting a study with me on the sex profile of people with Asperger's syndrome, and preliminary results show that this profile differs from that of ordinary people due to less sexual experience, although they develop sexual interest in the same period, which and their adolescent peers.
They may also have a more relaxed attitude towards sexual diversity, such as homosexuality and bisexuality, and a rich sexual fantasy. They may be less concerned about the partner's age and cultural differences. However, further research is needed, and the Autism Interactive Network database may be useful in providing information on the romantic relationships of adolescents and young adults with Asperger's and high-functioning autism.
Thanks to Tamara Solomatina for the translation.
Adult Autism, Asperger's Syndrome, Social Skills
Relationships, love, and family building , being a single woman, I was very happy about the appearance of a new show about dating and dating people like me.
But a few minutes after I started watching, my heart began to beat faster and not at all with joy. It was too much of a joke. "Oh, look at those morons, they're kind of dating." I felt an old worry once again take over my thoughts: does the rest of the world really see us like this?
A series of stories about what it's like to be a mom with Asperger's Syndrome, a combination of reflections on how Asperger's Syndrome has affected my parenting experience and advice I wish I had as I struggled to understand what it means be an extraordinary mother.
I hope some of what I learned the hard way will be helpful to other moms (or dads) in a similar situation.
tags:
recommendations for parents,
family relationships,
siblings
College student Bailey Giring shares not only her thoughts and personal experiences growing up with her brother with ASD, but also what she learned to appreciate in retrospect.
tags:
personal experience,
recommendations for parents
I know what it's like when no one understands you. I know what it's like when you don't know yourself, and how huge and scary all this life is.
But there is something else that you must understand; something that changes everything for the better, that you can use once you learn how to use it.
This is not a pep talk. I'm not here to clap my hands and have fun. I'm here because the state we're both in affects literally everything in ways you don't understand yet.
If you learn to manage it and direct it, you can do whatever you want. Fortunately, this is easy to understand; it's the kind of thing that once you understand it, you're already halfway to mastering it.
tags:
transition to adulthood,
romance
Dating and relationships can be challenging for anyone, but adolescents with high-functioning autism face particular challenges. The reason for this is the lack of certain skills and abilities that make it easier to get to know people and get close to them - both physically and emotionally.
Let's look at three obstacles to a successful romantic relationship to see how you can help your teen.
tags:
romance
If a woman refuses to date you, there is nothing to be ashamed of. This happens all the time. And in this regard, men with Asperger's syndrome have no less difficulties than other people (for example, how to please a woman and maintain a relationship with her).
Here are the top 15 reasons why NT women don't want to date men with Asperger's.
tags:
transition to adulthood,
advice to parents,
romantic relationship
The study of sexuality is an ongoing, lifelong process that begins at birth. Through our love and care, children learn about their body, learn about gentle touch and trust. In childhood, the awareness of being a girl or a boy begins, as well as what it means in a family or culture to be a woman or a man. By observing those around them, children learn about affection, respect, and how to behave properly.
Many adolescents and young adults on the autism spectrum desire romantic relationships. They want to date, experience intimacy, get married. In order for them to make the right choice, we as parents have an obligation to teach them very personal topics.
tags:
romantic relationships
When I started dating at the age of 18, I had absolutely no idea how to connect with people in general, let alone women.
Many of the girls I dated had good intentions, but they might not understand some of the quirks that people like me with autism might have. For example, as a child, I hated being touched. Ten years later, as a 28-year-old adult, I accept affection.
Here are a few things you need to know when it comes to dating an autistic person.
tags:
teaching children,
transition to adulthood,
romance
Children learn about gender and sexuality from a very early age, even if we don't talk to them about it. Much of what they learn is incorrect, confusing and frightening. In a world where sex is used to sell cars and ice cream, and celebrity personal lives are everyone's business, we can't afford not to talk to our kids about sex and relationships if we want to help them make sense of it all. Problems specific to children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) mean that normal, everyday conversations and social interactions can lead in many cases to misunderstanding, embarrassment or frustration.
As a result, parents spend a lot of time trying to explain this chaotic and frightening world to their children. Your explanations and support become even more important when you talk to your kids about puberty, sex, and relationships. However, this will not necessarily be an easy conversation. Therefore, we have written this memo to help you move in the right direction.
tags:
romantic relationships
Autistic adults in general have a different sexuality. There are more asexuals among them than the general population. It is believed that the proportion of gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender people among autists is somewhat higher than the average for the population.
Bisexual or homosexual Aspies are better off seeking sex or relationships in a gay community that does not place much emphasis on traditionalism. Autistic girls and women are more likely to be successful in relationships than autistic men. This is due to differences in social requirements - usually a man asks a girl for a date, and not vice versa.
