Depressed boyfriend says i deserve better
SAMHSA’s National Helpline | SAMHSA
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SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
Also visit the online treatment locator.
SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.
Also visit the online treatment locator, or send your zip code via text message: 435748 (HELP4U) to find help near you. Read more about the HELP4U text messaging service.
The service is open 24/7, 365 days a year.
English and Spanish are available if you select the option to speak with a national representative. Currently, the 435748 (HELP4U) text messaging service is only available in English.
In 2020, the Helpline received 833,598 calls. This is a 27 percent increase from 2019, when the Helpline received a total of 656,953 calls for the year.
The referral service is free of charge. If you have no insurance or are underinsured, we will refer you to your state office, which is responsible for state-funded treatment programs. In addition, we can often refer you to facilities that charge on a sliding fee scale or accept Medicare or Medicaid. If you have health insurance, you are encouraged to contact your insurer for a list of participating health care providers and facilities.
The service is confidential. We will not ask you for any personal information. We may ask for your zip code or other pertinent geographic information in order to track calls being routed to other offices or to accurately identify the local resources appropriate to your needs.
No, we do not provide counseling. Trained information specialists answer calls, transfer callers to state services or other appropriate intake centers in their states, and connect them with local assistance and support.
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Last Updated: 08/30/2022
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“I don’t deserve you” and others
You are in a relationship, everything seems to be fine, when suddenly strange phrases begin to slip in communication: “It seems to me that I am not worthy of you”, “I have no money”, “I am not created for family life ”... What the phrases of men mean, the transformational coach Olga Dmitrieva will help you figure it out.
Marriage and relationships
Relationships with men nine0003
you and him
relationship in a couple
conversations with a partner
You will not hear such phrases when meeting. At the beginning of a relationship, we try to show ourselves from the best side - this is an axiom of human psychology. These words sound later, when you have already immersed yourself in your partner with thoughts and feelings and are making joint plans for the future. What do they mean? Here's a transcript of the words of men. nine0003
Phrases: "I'm not made for family life", "I got so burned in past relationships that I don't want to repeat this experience anymore."
Explanation: "I don't want to marry you, I just like sleeping with you."
Sometimes girls misunderstand what a man's phrases mean and hear quite the opposite: "I'm hurt, I'm not sure of myself, my ex is a real bitch." And they decide that a man's heart needs to be healed, then he will open up to new love and life. And they turn on the ideal version of themselves, courting the guy in bed, in the kitchen and in society. Stop! nine0003
In fact, the meaning of the man's phrases is quite obvious, he says exactly what he says. He does not need a serious relationship (with you), he is satisfied with everything as it is. Someday he will fall in love with someone (not you), but now he needs someone to sleep with.
How to react? If marriage is not in your plans, you can continue to have fun. But if you dream of a joint mortgage and children, don't waste your time on this character.
Phrase: "I have no money at all." nine0024
The case when the meaning of a man's phrase is extremely clear. Hoping that behind this phrase is a billionaire looking for a "soul mate" who is with him "not for the money" - it's almost like counting on a meeting with a unicorn. Most likely, you came across a classic miser who honestly warns about this, or, even worse, a banal gigolo. How to be? Run ahead of the wind and don't look back! And check your bag. Just in case.
Phrases: “I am not worthy of you.You need a completely different person, much better than me.
Explanation: "You want too much from me."
If a man starts a hurdy-gurdy about “I am not worthy of you”, he is lying. Guys rarely suffer from low self-esteem. Usually they want, if not to lead in relationships, then to be at least on an equal footing. Why did he suddenly speak like a serf addressing a mistress? What do these phrases men mean? The boyfriend simply does not want to fulfill your desires, but is afraid to say so directly and pretends to be a rag. nine0003
A similar situation often occurs when one person in a couple puts a lot of pressure on the other by making excessive demands. This is true for both sides: both girls can "press" men, and guys often see in a partner not a person, but a function.
How to react? After deciphering the words of the man, stop and ask yourself what is more important for you - this relationship or the fulfillment of your desires. If the first is, talk heart to heart with your boyfriend, apologize for the pressure and continue to take into account his interests. If the second - well, you have to look for someone who can handle it. nine0003
Phrases: “I want to take a break”, “We need to live apart for a while”.
Explanation: "Bye, honey."
Everything is clear here, the meaning of a man’s phrase is completely clear, but often girls cling to a polite form and think that a guy just needs to be alone in order to understand himself and his feelings, decide how to live on. But the decision to leave has already been made, it’s just that the partner didn’t have the courage to say it to your face.
How to understand a man's phrase correctly? Just remember: when a man just needs to be alone with himself, he organizes business trips, hiking in the mountains, a training camp and other reboot options. Girls leave to visit their mother, go to open a branch of a business in another city, or hide behind the walls of a retreat. But for representatives of both sexes, the proposal to live separately, unfortunately, almost always means a desire to break off relations without showdowns and unpleasant clarifications of who betrayed whom. nine0003
The use of such phrases does not honor men. If you have already decided to leave, you should do it with respect to the one who spent her feelings, time and energy on you. An established personality is not afraid of important conversations and other people's emotions. A person who respects you will not make you rack your brains about what the phrase from a man means "I'm tired, let's live separately for now", but will say directly that the relationship is over.
Hiding behind non-existent affairs and problems so that you leave on your own? Leaving a relationship to avoid a scandal? Are you forced to decipher the words of a man, wondering what he really wanted to say? All this suggests that you have a neurotic person who is afraid of conflicts because he does not know how to cope with them. This means that in the future, when help or protection is needed, the handsome guy will make a poker face or - even worse - try to hide behind your back. nine0003
It is especially sad when girls misunderstand everything and start to “save” a man. Nobody needs to be saved! Look at reality as it is, soberly assess the situation, do not invent what the man’s phrases mean, but immediately delve into their essence. In the depths of your soul, you yourself know what is behind such phrases. And if the relationship doesn't work out, let it go and go the other way, to a new life. Something wonderful is waiting for you there.
Like this article? Then read which 10 phrases can extinguish any conflict, which ones say that he is deceiving you, and which ones should be used in bed to drive him crazy. nine0003
signs of depression in your boyfriend
If you notice that your relationship with your beloved man has changed dramatically for the worse, and it is his fault, if your lover has begun to treat you completely differently than before, do not rush to blame him. It may very well be that your sweetheart is depressed. Now we will tell you how to recognize it.
Relationships in a couple
Always so level-headed and caring, he suddenly throws a row over an egg that is not poached, as he likes, but hard boiled. A day later, your skirt falls under a hot hand: "The limit of bad taste, how can you buy this?" Hearing a timid remark that he himself chose her for you last year, he is offendedly silent for three hours. Further - even worse. He does not go to his best friend's birthday and generally stops going anywhere. He doesn’t call his mother for a month (it’s better not to remember about yours with him). Complains of chest pain and insomnia. You sort through the versions: fell out of love, problems at work, secret debts, a midlife crisis, aliens and fell out of love again ...
Attempts to understand and cheer up are replaced by confusion, resentment and even anger: “How much can you do? Which of us is a woman with a weak psyche, and who is the head of the family and the man in the house? However, this does not give results, at least not positive ones. If time passes, and the condition of a loved one remains the same, worsens or even becomes unpredictable, we can talk about depression.
In contrast to a bad mood, she sucks in completely and does not let go. You need to take the problem seriously. Psychologist, candidate of sociological sciences Anetta Orlova urges not to confuse depression with blues and not to consider it the prerogative of the weaker sex: “This disease is considered to be female. But every year, about eight million men in Russia experience a bout of depression. With one this happens once in a lifetime, and the other begins to suffer bouts of recurring depression. nine0109
How to understand that a man has a disease, and not a bad character, which he successfully hid during the period of courtship? Typically, depression is characterized by a complex of symptoms. Psychologist Nadezhda Zarochintseva advises to take a closer look at your partner: “Sudden pain (most often in the heart), sleep disturbance, loss of appetite and sexual desire, apathy, nervousness are the main symptoms of depression along with a low emotional background, stunted speech and movements, aggressiveness, gambling , extreme sports or excessive physical activity. nine0003
Be careful: if for a week he sadly and intently studies the ceiling, and then suddenly jumps up and rushes in a car to St. Petersburg to look at the bridges, this does not mean that the depression has receded. On the contrary, you need to be careful.
“Periods of excitement, screaming and swearing can be replaced by complete indifference to what is happening around,” warns Nadezhda Zarochintseva. “Today he spends money in the casino, tomorrow he flies to the Alps for off-piste skiing from a helicopter, and a week later he is already lying at home with an indifferent look. Depression also affects sexual function. A man in horror thinks about impotence, you think about a rival, but in fact the problem is in his head. nine0003
There are several types of depression. The rarest, endogenous, is caused and associated with the work of the brain - fortunately, it overtakes only 1% of the population. Somatogenic manifests itself against the background of injury or illness, and psychogenic is usually caused by the loss or illness of loved ones, serious disappointment, lack of money.
“Diagnosing depression in women is much easier than in men. Boys are used to hiding their emotions and experiences, so pay close attention to what is happening in the life of a loved one and his reaction to events, advises Nadezhda Zarochintseva. “If a depressed man is left unattended, he may begin to seek solace in alcohol and even consider suicide.” nine0003
Few people can get out of depression on their own. A man in such a situation needs your help, and in difficult cases, also a professional consultation. Do not expect that during the first conversation you will merge into an embrace and your tears will mix. Most likely, you will come across aggression and a rude "Don't touch me, everything is fine." Do not insist, do not provoke frank conversations, but constantly emphasize your love and show care. Be interested in how the day went, how you feel, what to cook for dinner. But do not go to extremes: plunging into the experiences of a loved one, you risk your own mental health, and no one needs this, especially in such a situation. nine0003
Seemingly fair maxims about the miners in the slaughter and the starving people of Africa, who are much more difficult, should not be used. After all, the perception of depression as a frivolous problem makes people hide the pain even from their closest ones. Do not make this mistake: show that you understand and accept experiences and your man has the right to them. Think about how to distract your loved one. Even a trip to a neighboring city for the weekend, walks, proper nutrition and tireless sports will help to cope with a mild form. nine0003
And work with your immediate environment. Ask his parents not to be offended by a harsh tone and not to cling to trifles, tell what is happening to mutual friends: let them dispense with the questions “Why are you so sad, old man?” and visit you more often.
If a man loves animals, offer to get a cat or a dog: animals, like fresh air, help relieve nervous tension (only this decision should be as balanced as possible, we are talking about a living being).
If you understand that depression is serious and you cannot cope even together, persuade your loved one to go to a psychologist. Explain that this is a common illness and a visit to a specialist is as necessary as a visit to the dentist for pulpitis. Yes, it’s not pleasant enough, but you can’t pull it, it will only get worse. nine0003
By the way, many representatives of the stronger sex react much better to the word "neurologist". You can start with this doctor, as if about insomnia and palpitations. The specialist, most likely, will be with you at the same time, in addition to physiotherapy, he will advise the same psychologist. In extreme cases, you go to him yourself: he will tell you what tactics to work out and how not to get depressed from what is happening.
It happens that the reason for rudeness and bad mood is really caused by cooling towards you. The symptoms may seem similar, but only at first glance. nine0109
You have relationship problems
- He moved from the bedroom to the sofa in the living room. He does not kiss, does not hug, there is no talk of sex at all.
- He doesn't like everything you do, from soup to new hair. At the same time, his bad mood does not apply to friends, colleagues and sellers in the store.
- Weekends and holidays are no longer family days. Every weekend he disappears somewhere, returns late, with lipstick marks on his shirt, sometimes tipsy. nine0157
- He generally stopped giving you flowers, making coffee in the morning, but he bought himself three new sweaters, four ties and perfume at once.
- Your favorite series "Friends" stopped making him laugh - he demands to immediately turn off this muck.
He has depression
- Sex happens, but often a man is insolvent, which makes him angry or withdraws into himself.
- Conflicts with everyone: friends, family, boss. She can even shout at the fish in the aquarium: why did they hatch? He suspects everyone around him of plotting against him.