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How to hurt your parents feelings


The Worst Things You Can Say to Your Parents

Find out about the worst words, phrases, and sentences you can say to your parents, why they're so damaging, and what you can say instead.

Why words hurt

We’ve all said the wrong thing at times, leaving our parents feeling angry, hurt, or confused. Words can be eternally damaging, especially coming from kids who are supposed to respect and love their parents. “At some level, most parents question themselves and wonder whether they’re good parents and whether they’re doing the best for their children,” Elizabeth Jeglic, PhD, a professor of psychology at John Jay College in New York and coauthor of Protecting Your Child from Child Abuse: What You Need to Know to Keep Your Kids Safe . “When children say hurtful things, it taps into those fears and insecurities and makes them more real, causing pain.” Find out how to rid some of the worst offenders from your language and substitute them with some better and kinder alternatives.

“So and so’s mom is better than you”

Your mom can’t always agree to let you jet off to Paris with your college roommate or drive cross country solo. She’s trying to be the best parent she can be so that you’ll be the best kid you can be. Her job as a parent isn’t always to be popular but to offer love, freedom, and guidance with age-appropriate boundaries, says Gary Brown, PhD, LMFT, a relationship therapist in Los Angeles. And telling her that someone else’s parent is better will definitely hurt her ego. “A child should point out an observation followed by a question,” says Jarret Patton, MD, pediatrician and author of Whose Bad @$$ Kids Are Those? A Parent’s Guide to Behavior for Children of all Ages. For example, try, “Annie’s mom is letting her travel alone. Why won’t you let me?” By stating an observation, there is little to feel defensive about from the parental view. Following up with a question can give your parent a chance to explain the difference in parenting styles while allowing you to express yourself.

“I wish you weren’t my dad”

You really don’t mean it, but in the heat of the moment, that’s what you said. You just want a different type of dad, at that second. You don’t feel like your dad understands your experience, says Brown. “A child, like many adults, loses her filter when emotions run high,” says Dr. Patton. “Painful statements can be the result. Oftentimes, this is simply a developmental stage in younger children who don’t have enough reasoning skills [but grown children can lose their temper, too]. Wishing away a parent or saying ‘I hate you’ may be the only response a child can muster.” Don’t take it personally as the parent, however hard it may seem, says Dr. Patton. When your child calms down, have a straightforward conversation. Have the child express his emotions and reasoning, says Dr. Patton. He should use “I feel __ when…” language. “This can build more trusting, respectful and deeper relationships while teaching them about using hurtful language,” says Dr. Patton.

“You told me that already”

We’ve all said things more than once and repeated ourselves, so don’t lose your patience or cool when it’s your mom or dad. “By telling your parent that he or she repeated themselves, you’re coming off as rude and snarky, and even implying that they’re slipping mentally,” says Stacey Laura Lloyd, a relationship writer, and coauthor of Is Your Job Making You Fat? How to Lose the Office 15…and More! “As a result, don’t be surprised if they respond angrily, curtly or even accusingly.” Instead, try to lighten the mood. Say something like “Really? No way! And then you did…”

“I wish you were dead”

You’ve been pushed to your limit. Your mom has given you advice on your son’s poor eating habits yet again. You’re done with her unsolicited judgment. “You’re only changing the topic to make yourself in control of the situation,” says Lynn R. Zakeri, LCSW, who practices in the Chicago area. You may be upset but communicate respectfully and without being hurtful. Instead, Zakeri suggests you should say something like, “When I want your advice, I’ll ask for it.” “It’s more honest, to the point and relevant,” she says. Keep an open mind, moms have been known to have some pretty good advice.

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“You look ugly today”

“Even in the best of parent-child relationships, there will be challenging moments,” says Brown. Just like you don’t want to be told that you don’t look good, the same goes for your parents. Those words are insulting and hurtful. Chances are, you’re just looking for a reaction, attention, a distraction from the current state of affairs or a way to express anger, says Zakeri. Say what you really mean instead, being respectful as you do so. “The Golden Rule that children often hear from parents certainly applies to how children interact with their parents as well as others: Treat your parents the way you want to be treated,” says Brown.

“I bet you can’t wait to get back to work”

It’s dated to say that dads feel more comfortable at the office than with their grandkids. Your dad most definitely loves spending time with his grandchildren and likely enjoys spoiling them too. “While a man’s self-esteem and ego are driven by his career success, balancing family life and career are difficult for men,” says Julie Spira, a relationships expert, CEO of Cyber-Dating Expert and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. “Try not to make him feel guilty about his time away from you.” We’re sure he’d rather play with LEGOS than process an expense report. Instead, tell him how glad you are that he’s with his grandkids.

“You love my brother/sister more than me”

You know your parents love you the same. But when you have a sibling, it’s normal to ask your parents this question. You’re looking for affirmation, likely during an argument. You’re using it to distract your mom and manipulate her. Don’t get into an argument about who your mom loves more. Instead, focus on what’s really going on. “Always speak to the behavior and explain your feelings in a way that isn’t accusatory,” says Jeglic. “When we make accusations, parents become defensive and the conversation stops. More often than not, there will be a reason why your parents did something with another sibling and not you and they can explain it.” For example, if your parent gave your brother a more generous present than you, you can say, “When you bought my brother a bigger gift than me, it hurt my feelings and made me feel like you cared about him more than me.” “If this is said in a calm manner, then the parent can explain his or her reasoning and you can have a discussion about it,” she says. It’s not only parent-child relationships that can be fraught with tension; try these 11 ways to have a better relationship with your siblings.

“You’re a bad mom”

Kids are often quick to say this phrase when they don’t agree with a decision a parent made or when they’re not allowed to do something that everyone else their age is doing. But, “Personal attacks are a sure fire way to shut down any discussion and have it evolve into a shouting/anger match,” says Toni Coleman, LCSW, CMC, a psychotherapist, and relationship coach who practices in McLean, Virginia. “You can open up the lines of communication by respectfully asking your parent to listen to what you have to say, then keep your comments free from any comparisons or attacks on how good or bad your parent isn’t/is.” She says that instead, you should focus on your own history and behavior as it relates to your decision-making skills, rule following, trustworthiness, and maturity level. “Make your best case for why you should be allowed to do this, based on how well your parent can trust your readiness for it,” she says. If your parent comes back with a hard no, respectfully tell him how you feel about his decision and comply, even though you’re unhappy with the decision, she says. “This will offer additional evidence of maturity that your parent will take into consideration the next time you come to him for permission to do something he may have concerns about.”

“I hate you”

Hate is a strong word. You may be upset with your mother for bailing on babysitting the grandkids when you had planned a date night with your husband. But watch what you say. “What if these were the last three words you said to your mother?” says Kristie Overstreet, a licensed professional clinical counselor and author of Fix Yourself First: 25 Tips to Stop Ruining Your Relationship. “If something tragic happened and this was your last statement to her, you’d have a difficult time healing.”

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“Whatever”

Here, you’re telling your parents that what they’re saying isn’t important and doesn’t matter. You know that you’ve lost the argument and the point has been decided, so, you’re trying, weakly, to save face. “You just want to make them mad and retaliate someway, somehow,” says Gilda Carle, PhD, relationship expert and author of Ask for What You Want AND GET IT. You’re saying that they can talk, but you aren’t listening. It’s better to speak respectfully without being rude. Be clear about what you think, feel and want. “Everyone disagrees with someone,” says Carle. “It’s never about the argument itself. It’s about how you peacefully disagree with others and continue relationships with them.” She suggests that you say instead, “I don’t see this as you do.”

“Shut up”

Your mom just won’t stop going on and on about how Sarah’s husband is a doctor and she lives in an affluent area. You just can’t take it anymore and shout “Shut up!” It’s not surprising that you’re upset. “Your mom just hasn’t said the actual words, ‘And why don’t you have a doctor-husband, too?'” says Carle. Using a tone that’s friendly and respectful makes it more likely parents will listen and take what you say seriously. It also makes it more likely that they’ll talk to you in the same way. “Smile and calmly remind your mom that doctors are under constant stress and work long hours,” says Carle. “Then laugh and take your mom’s comments lightly. Her methods may stink but her heart swells with love for you.”

“Call Mom and see if it’s okay”

Dad can make family-related decisions himself. “Having parents means sometimes your father will call the shots, and other times your mother will take the reins,” says Spira. “Dividing responsibilities doesn’t always require a check-in for busy parents.” If he wants to call your mom/his wife about what brand of bread to get at the supermarket, he’ll do so. Just don’t make him feel like he has to run every little thing past her. Let your dad take charge when he offers to do so. It shows you respect him as a parent and will take the pressure off your mom, says Spira. On the other hand, here’s why you should call your mom more often.

“I can do whatever I want”

You feel out of control and helpless. You want to throw a pool party but they just won’t have it. You have to be as clear as you can about what you think, feel, and want, giving details to help your parents understand your situation. They can listen better or be more helpful if they understand what’s really going on. “Tell them, ‘Here is what I want to do and why,'” says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist, and author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together. She says you can make a presentation, like you’re selling something in a business deal or presenting a project at school. “Don’t whine, act resentful, or be angry,” she says. “Have confidence in what you want to do and why it makes sense, and tell them that. If they don’t think what you want to do is safe or they worry you’ll get hurt or rejected, they’ll say no. Act grown up, answering their questions clearly and calmly, she says. “You’ll probably get a yes,” she says.

“You don’t love me”

You want to go out with your friends but your mom won’t let you. You’re using guilt to manipulate your parents. “Don’t accuse her of not loving you, you know she does,” says Tessina. “Loving you is not the same as letting you have whatever you want.” If you have a disagreement, try to see your parents’ point of view. If you can, say so. Telling parents you understand their views and feelings helps them be willing to see yours, too. “Calmly, with no whining or anger, say ‘Mom, my friends (name names) are going out to (Jen’s house, the movies, play video games, the ball game, hang out, etc.) and I want to go with them,'” says Tessina. Give details about what you’re doing and what will happen, she says. “If you ask her permission, she will be a lot more likely to say yes.” Want to say something nice to mom or dad? Try one of these best compliments you can give a parent.

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4 Ways to Release Anger Towards Your Parents

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The relationship between a child and a parent is one of the most instinctively protective, loving, and nurturing things humans experience. But for some, the connection with parents is marred by feelings of deep hurt and resentment. Such psychological wounds often follow people beyond childhood and adolescence into adulthood.

There is no comprehensive list of the possible ways in which a child can be left emotionally scarred. The causes of lifelong anger that some hold against a parent could be due to any of the following:

  • Physical or emotional neglect from parents. They may not be intentionally abusive but were affected by their own vulnerabilities or limited emotional capacity.
  • Physical, mental, or sexual abuse
  • Failure of a parent to protect/defend a child from bullying or abuse
  • The lack of attention, affirmation, and reassurance to make a child feel worthy or even wanted
  • Parents expected too much from a child or were excessively controlling.
  • The family scapegoated a child—the emotionally sensitive child—as the "problematic one."
  • Parents were continually critical of a child.
  • Lack of support from parents for the pursuit of a romantic relationship or for a lifestyle or career choice

For those who experience such pain and carry it into their adult life, the consequences can be devastating. Consciously or unconsciously, they may:

  • Be unable to move on from the past and fail to build a happy present for themselves
  • Be emotionally unavailable as adults and therefore unable to sustain intimate relationships
  • Harbor insecurities into adulthood about whether they deserve to be loved or nurtured, and sabotage opportunities they get
  • Find themselves at times responding similarly as parents to their own children, and therefore perpetuating the cycle of emotional pain
  • Feel suicidal regardless of how much they have achieved in adult life

How can you break free from the shackles of a troubling emotional past, especially when the triggers (the parents) are still part of your present life?

The following strategies are aimed at helping you let go of resentment and reclaim your lives. However, there is no one-size-fits-all, prescribed way. Each relationship is different and involves myriad complex factors. Please take away what might be useful and discard the rest.

1. Acknowledge your anger.

“I need to move on; it’s been too long.”

“Remembering the past doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“Nothing can be gained confronting them.”

Does any of this sound familiar? Perhaps at some point in life, denial and minimizing were the only ways for you. Perhaps without hiding your pain—both to the outside world and to yourself—you couldn’t have moved forward with your daily life.

Ultimately, we need to reconcile with the deep disappointment of not having our desired relationship with a parent. However, the first step to liberate oneself from the past is to acknowledge the tragic nature of events and understand that there is a place for legitimate anger. Just because we recognize we have been failed and have a natural emotional reaction does not mean we unproductively point the finger or blame anyone.

In most cases, what happened was a result of trans-generational trauma. Perhaps our parents faced similar conditions themselves as kids, and for them, the behavior was the only thing they know.

You are releasing the past for your own good, not for anyone’s sake. You own your story. You have the right to tell it. The more you are able to share your story—including your anger and resentment—with trusted family members and friends, or therapists and spiritual teachers, the more you will be able to let go, release, and move on.

2. Talk about the hurt

Jeannine Mai, co-host of the popular talk show The Real Daytime, recently posted a YouTube video about sexual abuse at a young age by a trusted member of her extended family. As a result of the recurring abuse, Jeannine did not speak to her mother for eight years. She was wounded by her mother’s failure to defend her child or even acknowledge what had happened. In the YouTube video, when Jeannine’s mother reveals that she had in fact confronted the assailant, Jeannine had an emotional breakdown, as she realized (for the first time) that her mother had believed her about the abuse.

Talking to your parents about aspects of your childhood that have caused lingering emotional hurt can prove to be one of the most powerful and healing conversations to have. Perhaps as adults, you can begin to see the children inside your parents and see that they were once young and helpless.

This strategy is not always possible. Some parents are more defensive and might never acknowledge what they have done. On some level, they know they had failed you and that the feeling of guilt probably makes them more defensive.

There is no point in trying to find explanations for their behavior, nor in convincing them that they have done wrong. Sometimes, justice can never be sought, and you need to find other ways to reconcile your past. You may have to grieve the childhood you never have, and stop comparing what you had with other people’s childhoods.

3. Set boundaries with your parents.

You can exercise assertiveness and set firm boundaries with your parents. As a child, you could not escape the family home or build a wall to defend yourself. But as an independent adult, you have the ability to say no, walk away, and minimize contact.

At first, doing so feels uncomfortable. Your parents are likely to resist the change by criticizing or guilt-tripping you. But you can find a way to tell them you need to be treated with respect, and they can no longer influence important decisions in your life.

More importantly, you need to believe in your ability to stand on your own two feet. Once you have set boundaries, you must keep all parties accountable. When others cross the line, you say no. If they cannot respect your need for space and autonomy, you can limit interaction with them.

While this seems harsh at first, it is for the greater good. It also does not have to be forever; sometimes, just by limiting contact for a period of time, you give yourself the time and space to regain clarity and confidence.

4. Love yourself and believe in your worthiness.

At the end of the day, you want to be able to cross over the bridge of resentment and move to a place of peace. But however cliche this sounds, you need first to love yourself, embracing both the good and the bad, your ability to love and your rage towards others. You must forgive yourself for your inability to forgive. You are a survivor for being here today. You deserve to live without emotional baggage.

When you open your heart to the possibilities of tomorrow, you will gradually find that you are no longer weighed down by experiences of the past. With a conscious approach to handling the anger you feel towards your parents, you can finally start to repair your relationship with them and hopefully build the foundation for mutual respect and understanding.

If what you do grows into a deep sense of love for your parents, then the journey would have been worth it. If not, you know that you tried, and you will have no regrets.

"Feeling traps", or 7 signs of an indifferent parent

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"Traps for feelings", or 7 signs of an indifferent parent

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  • Expert advice
  • 1-3 years
  • 3-7 years
  • 7-12 years old
  • teenager
  • emotions

“They don't like me”, “What if my parents don't give a damn about me”, “If I leave, no one will notice”. Do you think these are the thoughts of some other depressed teenager? Unfortunately no. These and similar questions are asked by children, asking for help from the experts of the site "I am a Parent" and at intervals of several times a week.

With a high probability, visitors to the site for responsible moms and dads will be surprised if they recognize their child among the children who have asked such questions. How? You give him all the best! Give expensive gifts, help with studies. nine0003

It may come as a revelation to the parent that the child needs more talk about how the parent feels about him and about the reciprocity of these feelings.

The effect of “hidden” feelings

Unfortunately, in many families it is not customary to express emotions: “Don’t cry!”, “Why are you angry, it’s just a doll”, “Don’t be sad, we will buy you a new toy”, laugh so loud, it's indecent." If we generalize these frequent and familiar phrases that we say, sometimes to our adult friends to express sympathy, we get the same meaning: “You cannot feel. ” nine0003

Why such reactions? It’s just that once we also received a “ban on feelings” from our parents, and now we pass it on to our children in one or another modified form.

The effect of "hidden" emotions occurs when we prevent our children from expressing sadness, joy, anger, resentment, and even joy. If you say to a small child “don’t cry” when he fell and hurt himself a little, “don’t whine” when he begs for a toy, “don’t laugh out loud” when he is having fun, then sooner or later he concludes: you can’t feel. nine0003

Let's see how it goes.

7 parental bans on feelings

1. Parent intentionally forbids feelings

It seems to the parent that if the child is given too much attention, he will grow up capricious and selfish. Perhaps in this model there is a motive of Spartan education. It is usually used for boys and often in families where parents are quite successful in their careers. Parents act according to the principle: “If we throw it into the river, it will swim out on its own”, I myself achieved everything, my child will also cope. Otherwise, how will he survive without me? nine0003

And the child will probably do well. Only then you should not be surprised that he doesn’t give a damn about you and your problems either. After all, he did everything himself, just like you.

2. The parent is only interested in success at school or in other activities

The situation may be similar to the previous one, with the only difference that here mothers and fathers do not do this on purpose.

Parents only care about the achievements of their child, and his feelings remain insignificant compared to another victory. Paying attention solely to the result and being interested in grades at school (and not events), you give the child a signal: "you can only be loved when you have achieved something." The child begins to depend on your positive or negative assessment. nine0003

In such an environment little workaholic perfectionists are nurtured, ready to put everything on the altar of “praise me, please. ”

3. The parent does not allow the child to rejoice

It may seem to you a somewhat fantastic prohibition, but it occurs very often. It’s as if a gene has been sewn into us: “rejoicing is bad, this will surely be followed by retribution.” Suffice it to recall the well-known proverb "you can not laugh a lot, then you will cry."

Imagine you are sitting on the couch in front of the TV after a hard day at work, and then a child runs up to you with loud exclamations: “Mom / dad, look, I drew a cloud!”. You look at him with an adult bewildered look, not understanding the reason for the joy. Or you will begin to “calmly explain” to the child that you are very tired and want to rest, which will also not please the child. nine0003

At this moment, the child's level of significance of his positive emotions drops rapidly. And in order to block the source of joy, just a few similar situations are enough.

4. Parents compete for the child's feelings

Recall this ridiculous situation when a child is asked a popular but strange question: "Who do you love more - mom or dad?".

This question, like many other questions comparing mom and dad, cannot be answered.

The child loves both parents, but may be closer to one of them. At some point, he begins to hide his feelings so as not to offend anyone.

5. Parents give the other child more time

In families with several children, parental inattention can be felt especially strongly: it seems that some people get more attention, some less. Children know how to read all emotions in the early stages: and they are unlikely to be deceived.

Parents may unconsciously be interested in only one of the children if he has problems, and forget about those who are "all right". nine0003

As a result, the “everything is fine” child begins, at best, to aggressively show feelings towards another, parents, at worst, withdraws into himself and stops any contact with his parents.

6. Parents make the child responsible for their emotions

It happens that parents themselves have not yet become adults and have not experienced their childhood fears, traumatic situations. Such parents need an adult who would take on the role of mom or dad and listen to them. But not everyone is ready to turn to a psychologist. nine0003

What's going on? Infantile parents begin to "trust" their child. They complain about a difficult life, as a rule, often get sick and like to talk about it - and the child has no choice but to take responsibility for everything that happens.

Psychologists call this situation "parentification": the child takes the place of the parent and does not allow himself to show negative emotions in his direction: after all, mom or dad is already suffering so much.

7. Parents "pay off" negative children's emotions

Unfortunately, almost all parents do this. Isn't it very easy to calm a crying baby who wants a toy just by buying it?

Paying off children with games and entertainment, we also forbid them to show emotions. How does the child perceive it? You teach him that any negative emotion can be “eaten”, “play” - replaced by material goods. If parents often do this, then consumers, gamers, chubby sweet-tooths then grow out of children - depending on what they paid off with. nine0003

How not to fall into the trap of forbidden feelings?

In all of the cases listed above, parents will have to change their behavior if they want to re-establish proper emotional contact with the child. How to do it?

  1. First, allow yourself to experience different emotions. You cannot help your child if you are not aware of how you feel. To do this, you can pass psychological tests or keep a diary of your emotions. It's important to remember that awareness of emotions requires being alone, so make time for this. nine0003

  2. As soon as you begin to understand yourself better, begin to tune in to the "wave" of the child's emotions: listen and ask him about what he is experiencing. This may not happen right away, because children express emotions in a different way, often through play. Watch the child. After a while, you will understand when he is sad, when he is angry.

  3. Help your child name this feeling: “you are angry now”, “you may be scared”, “you are jealous”. This allows children to give something unfamiliar, unpleasant and scary certain forms and boundaries. When a child knows what he feels, he is no longer afraid: emotions become normal human manifestations. nine0003

  1. The most important thing is to let your child experience the emotion without rejecting it. Let him cry, laugh, grieve, get angry. If necessary, introduce restrictions: for example, “you don’t need to break toys”, “civilized people don’t call names”. Fairy tales and drawings help to live through fear.

  2. Once you have determined what is bothering your child, you can offer to help him solve the problem. At the same time, look for a balance between what the child does for himself and what you do for him. After all, a son or daughter needs to learn to get out of conflicts on their own. nine0003

Natalya Dubovaya

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You will definitely quarrel! What phrases will lead parents to conflict with a teenager | Psychology of life | Health

Anna Shatokhina,

Olga Romaniv

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

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Weekly "Arguments and Facts" No. 23. What else will the West freeze to spite Russia 08/06/2022

/ Jodi & Jake / www.globallookpress. com

Parents can hurt a teenager with just one phrase. At the same time, adults will not even understand what the problem is, and the child will become so offended that a conflict will occur. With what words should you be more careful so as not to lead to a family scandal and not to spoil the relationship, said family psychologist Olga Romaniv .

"I'm your age." Any parent loves to draw parallels between his own offspring and himself in the hope that no less beautiful fruit fell from his beautiful branchy apple tree, says the psychologist. “There is usually little truth in these stories, a lot of fantasy, and an educational message is necessarily laid down: be better, strive, don’t sit idle, stop watching this rubbish, etc. Naturally, such conversations cannot but annoy with just one setting of the main theme” , — emphasizes Olga Romaniv. nine0003

"My friend's son, by the way." Another example of annoying motivation is comparing your own offspring with the brilliant children of your friends, classmates and other non-existent people who have already achieved a lot while yours was chatting with classmates on social networks. “Comparison with someone else is already humiliating in itself, but when it is done by their own parents, who are ready to admire the stories of other, wiser parents, it is doubly insulting,” says psychologist Romaniv. nine0003

“I told you!” The catchphrase of all authoritarian mothers and wives in relation to less reasonable family members - teenagers and husbands. “I told you so” not only emphasizes mental superiority, but once again hints that I have authority, which means that everything I say must be unquestioningly followed, explains Olga Romaniv. Such a formulation of the question is fundamentally disgusting for a teenager, because nature created him in order to fill bumps on his own and also get his life experience on his own. nine0003

"Are you going to walk in this?" The question immediately contains at least a depreciation of the efforts of a person and his taste, which can and should differ from the taste of his relatives. “Depending on the character of a teenager, such a question either completely kills the desire to go somewhere, or he will embark on a showdown with an attempt to prove that every person has the right to look according to his ideas,” the expert notes.

“You will thank me later.” nine0135 It is interesting to collect statistics on how many people who have already matured said words of gratitude to their parents, who seriously forbade them something: to go somewhere with friends, meet some guy or girl, do what they like, etc. No less I wonder how many people out of those who were forbidden something, parental taboo with a scandal or secretly violated, because the forbidden fruit is sweet, and absolutely everyone knows this. “Unlike adults, children and adolescents do not live in terms of “later”, that is, the foreseeable future, they live today, in the reality that they have. “Later” for them is something that can have various options, which is why they are so annoyed by this confidence that the future will definitely develop according to a certain parental scenario. Although sometimes it happens, this truth must be conveyed very carefully, you can’t deprive a teenager of the opportunity to dream and try to realize his ideas, ”warns Olga Romaniv.

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