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Dating someone borderline personality disorder


What to Expect — Talkspace

Dating someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be difficult at times, but it doesn’t have to be something that harms your relationship. BPD symptoms can include complex and unhealthy thought processes, anxiety, poor self-image, and dramatic mood swings. People with BPD are also more inclined to exhibit impulsive behavior or self-harm. 

As challenging as these symptoms can be, they don’t mean you should give up on someone you care about just because they have a BPD diagnosis. It just means that both of your lives — and your relationship — will benefit if you educate yourself about the condition, symptoms, and what to expect. 

“Dating someone with BPD may be challenging, but with the proper knowledge and guidance from a medical or mental health professional, it is possible.” – Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, LCSWC 

Talkspace therapist Cynthia V. Catchings, LCSW-S

Read on to learn helpful advice about dating someone with BPD.

What to Expect When Dating Someone with BPD

Borderline personality disorder usually manifests in the late teen years through early adulthood. We don’t fully understand what causes borderline personality disorder in teens or young adults, but it’s believed that it stems from multiple factors. What we do know is that it’s equally prevalent in both genders, and that family history, genetics, and some social risk factors can play a role in whether or not someone might develop this mental health condition. 

The most important thing to take from the information here is that your partner’s symptoms are not a result of something you did, or didn’t do, in your relationship. Just like they can’t control their behavior as it relates to BPD, you have no control either. That said, you can learn to react and manage your role in the relationship for a healthier, happier partnership. 

How does BPD affect romantic relationships?

Some of the more common symptoms of BPD — like self-worth issues, intimacy and trust difficulties, mood swings, and more — can be understandably damaging to a romantic relationship. You can mitigate some of this, though, by knowing what to expect and heading off instances when you see certain thought processes or behaviors your partner is engaging in. 

Some of the key BPD symptoms that can have a negative impact on relationships might include:

Fear of abandonment

A fear of abandonment is central to BPD. That can present obvious problems in a relationship, especially when you’re just getting to know someone and have no idea where things are heading. 

Unfortunately, intense fear can lead to your partner being clingy or making unreasonable demands on your time. They may also tend to show signs of (often unfounded) jealousy, convincing themself that you’re going to leave or betray them.

Instability

Instability is common in relationships where one person has BPD. Many people with BPD are afraid of intimacy, so instead of getting too close to someone they fear might leave or hurt them, they push them away or withdraw from the relationship.   

People with BPD can look for signs (real or imagined) that their romantic partner is smothering them, which can also lead to them withdrawing emotionally and physically from the relationship.  

Intimacy disconnect

Substantial research estimates that between 40% – 70% of adults with BPD survived some type of sexual abuse during their childhood. It’s not believed that childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is the sole cause of BPD. However, it is widely accepted that when combined with other risk factors, CSA is likely an important risk factor. Sexual abuse can cause life-long complications in relationships.   

Intimacy impulsivity

Intimacy issues can also stem from the opposite of a disconnect — sexual impulsiveness is often found in people with BPD. They might engage in sexual behavior that occurs very early in a relationship, and they can be very casual encounters commonly with multiple sexual partners. 

Lying

Lying, of course, is damaging to any relationship since it erodes trust. When one partner has BPD, lies, and deception can be common. This might be because they view reality very differently from those around them. It’s not unusual if they don’t feel they’re lying at all, which can lead to unstable relationships. 

Demands for attention followed by demands to be left alone

One of the key signs you’re dating someone with BPD is dramatic mood swings. One minute they’re demanding your attention, and the next they just want to be left alone. It can be difficult to know how to react, and it can feel impossible to not take these mood swings personally, but it will be an important coping skill for you to develop.

“Confrontations and arguments can be typical reactions seen in BPD relationships. The more you know about the condition, the easier it is to understand what triggers the person and how to help them.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia V. Catchings, LCSW-S

4 Ways to Support Your Partner if They Have BPD

Below are some tips for dating someone with BPD. Learning how to help someone with BPD can be the difference between maintaining a successful, healthy relationship, or not. 

“Educating yourself about the condition can make a difference. Recognize your partner is separate from their BPD and the person you love. Find patterns so you can be aware of triggers and how both of you respond to each other.”

Talkspace therapist Cynthia V. Catchings, LCSW-S

1. Learn as much as you can about BPD

Knowledge is always power, especially when it comes to this mental health condition. Learning as much as possible about borderline personality disorder is one of the best tips for dating someone with BPD that we can give. 

By educating yourself, you’ll be able to recognize symptoms of BPD more easily. This is key, so you can learn to react appropriately and defuse potentially confrontational situations before they become a relationship-ending fight.

2. Be empathetic and patient

Empathy and patience go a long way in any relationship. That’s especially true when you’re dating someone with borderline personality disorder. 

When you keep in mind that your partner is terrified of your relationship on many levels, you can offer them the affection and assurance they need to feel safe. Make sure they know that you’re in it for the long haul. The good news is that over time, most people with BPD will get healthier once they commit to a BPD treatment plan and are in a supportive, loving environment.

3. Be reassuring

When you care about someone with BPD, it’s essential that compassion is a big part of your relationship. Learning to recognize they’re often coming from a place of being hurt can help. Try to remember this even when they’re acting in ways you struggle to understand, or when their impulsive behavior seems unfounded. It’s the BPD at work, not their true feelings.

We’ve already mentioned that one of the signs you’re dating someone with BPD is an intense fear of abandonment. The best thing you can do to combat this fear is to reassure them that you care about them, you enjoy their company, and you want to spend time with them. Yes, this can be exhausting at times, but it’ll go a long way in preserving and protecting your relationship. 

4. Work on your communication skills

Every relationship can benefit from working on communication skills. Communication is even more important when it comes to having a partner with BPD. It’s easy to get defensive, take things personally, and shut down when we’re hurt. 

The intensity of emotions and reactions is more magnified when you’re involved with someone who has BPD. They can easily view your communication issues as a sign that you’re getting ready to break up with them, whether it’s justified or not. Keeping the lines of communication open will be incredibly important. 

Getting Support in Your Relationship

The last thing to stress is that you really need to take care of yourself and your partner. You can find support by: 

  • Reaching out to BPD support groups, either in person or online
  • Seeking online therapy for yourself
  • Developing and nurturing healthy relationships outside your romantic partnership 

Having a rewarding relationship with someone with BPD is possible; you just need to meet them where they are and understand where they’re coming from.  

See references

  • Sansone, MD R, Sansone, MD L. Gender Patterns in Borderline Personality Disorder.
  • Saldanha D, Menon P, Chaudhari B, Devabhaktuni S, Bhattacharya L. Childhood sexual abuse in adult patients with borderline personality disorder.
  • Sansone, MD R, Sansone, MD L. Sexual Behavior in Borderline Personality. Innov Clin Neurosci. 2011;8(2):14-18.

7 Things to Know When Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

Have you started dating someone with borderline personality disorder? Was your partner recently diagnosed? The extreme shifting emotions that accompany the condition can often lead to intensity and instability. This article can help you learn more about this disorder and offers recommendations for navigating your relationship while also providing emotional support to your partner.

Jump Ahead:

  • What Is Borderline Personality Disorder?
  • Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder
  • Is It Bipolar Disorder?
  • Treatments for BPD
  • How Can BPD Affect Romantic Relationships?

What Is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a highly prevalent mental health disorder characterized by mood instability and difficulty regulating emotion. Approximately 2% of the United States population has BPD. While the causes of BPD are still not well understood, psychologists believe that it may be linked to genetics, brain abnormalities and environmental factors.

Someone with BPD may experience intense anger, depression and anxiety and find it more challenging to return to an emotional baseline. When something bad happens, it can be challenging for someone with BPD to process everyday emotions and bounce back from an emotional setback.

Symptoms of BPD

BPD impacts the way you feel and think about yourself and others. Some notable symptoms of BPD include the following:

  • Suicidal threats, suicidal behavior or self-injury
  • Intense fear of abandonment or rejection
  • Periods of stress-related paranoia and irrational thoughts
  • Highly reactive and extended mood swings
  • Ongoing feelings of isolation, boredom and emptiness
  • Inappropriate or intense anger
  • Feelings of dissociation
  • Impulsive and risky behavior such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, substance abuse, binge eating or spending sprees

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If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self-harm, seek help right away by calling the confidential and toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). In an emergency, dial 911 or your local emergency number immediately.

Is It Bipolar Disorder?

BPD is often accompanied by other mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders and substance abuse. However, many people believe they have bipolar disorder when they have BPD or vice versa due to their similarities. Symptoms of both BPD and bipolar disorder include mood swings and impulsiveness. However, unlike BPD, the mood swings of bipolar disorder can last for weeks or months and are not triggered by external conflicts or upsetting life events.

While BPD causes people to experience abrupt swings in mood, self-image, behavior and relationships from moment to moment, bipolar disorder is defined by alternating periods of depression and mania. These two disorders also require vastly different treatment plans.

Treatments for BPD

For the best prognosis, you should encourage your partner living with BPD to seek and stick to a treatment that will help them make healthier lifestyle choices and develop better coping mechanisms. Two popular and effective forms of psychotherapy used to treat BPD symptoms include:

 

  1. Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) can help people with BPD be more mindful of their emotional states and irrational thoughts. DBT can help someone learn how to control their intense emotions and reduce self-destructive behaviors.
  2. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help people identify and change problematic core beliefs and behaviors and better manage their symptoms.

Exploring options for therapy can be a substantial first step in taking charge of your and your loved one’s mental health together.

How Can BPD Affect Romantic Relationships?

People with BPD tend to have intense and highly reactive moods. They often have intense, unstable and conflicted relationships with others marked by turmoil and dysfunction from constant emotional ups and downs.

So what are some tips you can keep in mind when facing these potential challenges?

1.

Set Firm Limits and Boundaries

By learning to communicate your limits and thoughts to your partner, you will protect yourself from having to handle potential unhealthy behavior in the future. Remain calm and level-headed when establishing what you will and will not do and tolerate.

2. Practice Self-Care

People with BPD may move quickly from feelings of idealization to devaluation regarding their partner and are more likely to terminate relationships than people without BPD. If you are dating someone with BPD, you may find it easy to blame yourself for your partner’s erratic actions and symptoms.

During emotional crises, it’s important to remember to rest, eat healthily, exercise and reach out to others to maintain your own well-being. A strong support network and in-person or online professional counseling services will also benefit both you and your partner during times of conflict or high stress.

3. Understand Your Partner May Have Been Abused

Many people with BPD were exposed to stressful childhood experiences, such as abandonment, adversity, abuse and neglect. Other people with BPD may have also been exposed to unstable, invalidating and hostile relationships. While people who have been abused or neglected have a higher risk of developing BPD, not all people living with BPD have experienced abuse.

4. Learn Better Communication Skills

Practicing open communication is crucial for a healthy relationship. To prevent miscommunications and your partner from getting defensive, you and your partner must develop trust and insight into each other’s feelings and experiences. Rather than accusing your partner of overreacting, make sure you listen actively and try to understand where your partner is coming from.
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5. Be Prepared to Offer Validation

It’s easy for people with BPD to feel insecure about themselves and their relationships. They often experience abandonment sensitivity as well as a tendency to withdraw from relationships due to a fear of intimacy.

If your partner has BPD, they may constantly watch for signs that you might leave them, experience intense periods of jealousy and interpret even a minor event as a sign that abandonment is imminent. When your partner communicates their feelings, make them feel heard and show compassion for what they are experiencing regardless of whether you agree or disagree.

6. Encourage Responsibility

Rather than filling the role of caretaker for your partner, you should encourage them to take responsibility and accountability for themselves and their actions. Encouraging responsibility can even strengthen a relationship. Your partner needs to be committed to healing and improving themselves. Doting on your partner can instill an unhealthy dynamic into the relationship. Furthermore, you need to remember that you cannot change, control or cure your partner.

7. Remember That Managing BPD Takes Time

Anyone living with BPD can still lead satisfying lives and take pleasure in long-term relationships and even life partnerships. With the proper treatment and support, people with BPD can and do have healthy and happy relationships. Setting realistic and practical goals for improvement is central to making your relationship work. You can educate yourself about BPD, seek professional help for yourself and your partner and offer unconditional emotional support, understanding, patience and encouragement.

Find Supportive BPD Treatment Today

If you are struggling to manage your romantic relationship with someone with BPD, consider professional counseling. Taylor Counseling Group can provide you and your partner with the couples counseling you need to grow together and cope with relationship complications safely and productively.

You can choose any of our nine Central Texas locations to meet in person with a counselor, and we also provide an option for remote telehealth. Schedule an appointment for counseling with Taylor Counseling Group today for affordable, reliable and accessible care for you and your partner.

Related Articles & Resources

  • How to Deal With a Narcissistic Family Member
  • Mental Health vs. Mental Illness
  • What Is Bipolar Disorder?: Understanding The Phases
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  • Couples Counseling

How Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Relationships

Borderline Personality Disorder embodies the most poignant paradox: those who suffer from it crave intimacy, but their attempts to fill the inner emptiness repel those closest to them. Partner stability can weaken the self-tightening loop in which such people find themselves.

The difference between healthy fears and borderline

"Borderline people never feel satisfied," says psychotherapist and sociologist Ross Ellenhorn. “They are looking for a sense of fulfillment in a relationship. But they don't fill them." nine0005

Experiences of world instability and vulnerability experienced by people in borderline states generally reflect common human fears. “We are all beautiful and terrible creatures at the same time. We are all complex. Among the things that make us difficult is the habit of blocking our ability to understand others. We all sometimes want to be a receiver rather than a giver. We are all determined to act decisively if we are threatened with rejection.” The fear of being alone casts a shadow on even the most reliable relationships, and healthy people are also subject to it. The difference between them and people with borderline disorder is that when it seems to them that their friends are avoiding them or employees look askance, the former simply know how to slow down their emotions, while the latter are covered with their heads and they begin to act in a way that is not characteristic of themselves. We all experience borderline disorders when we go through attachment trauma, but for people with a diagnosis, these emotions become a daily experience and make their life hell. nine0005

Frank Yeomans, a New York psychiatrist, calls people with borderline disorder "romantic failures." All of them are looking for ideal love and passionately strive for it. But as soon as the person they are attached to is a couple of minutes late for a date or forgets to send a text during the work day, they panic. They get angry, stop eating, or simply run away from relationships, even those that were promising.

Such black and white thinking is called splitting. A friend or partner becomes either the embodiment of the ideal, or the embodiment of the worst nightmare. The borderline cannot integrate positive love experiences with negative ones such as frustration and anger. And since relationships involve a full range of emotions, they have to be put up with. nine0005

Mechanisms of the disorder

The way people with BPD perceive the world reflects malfunctions in the brain. Normally, the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for self-control and decision making, controls the limbic system, which generates primary emotions centered in the amygdala. “In borderline disorder, the influence of the prefrontal cortex on the amygdala is weakened,” explains neuroscientist Sarah Finberg. Brain scans show increased amygdala activity, which distorts the perception of certain social activities. Therefore, people with this disorder may read a calm expression as angry and feel excluded from the social circle. nine0005

At risk are people who were abused at an early age and felt neglected. Children try to cope with the unpredictability of their parents' behavior - to understand them and adapt to changing circumstances. This experience has a positive effect on the development of emotional intelligence. But if children fail again and again in their attempts to adapt, they conclude that such a strategy simply does not work. And they remember that the constant search for strategies to keep the attention of the parent costs them too much. nine0005

They may conclude that romantic relationships are too exhausting and prefer sleep, healthy eating, and meditation.

Positive aspects

Borderline disorder is treated with psychotherapy. Medications can help relieve symptoms such as anxiety, but dialectical behavioral therapy works in the long run. It involves the training of consciousness, stress resistance, conflict resolution and control of emotions.

But living with borderline disorder also offers some opportunities for growth. In every relationship, each partner has individual needs, but for a couple to thrive, partners must feel and nurture their unity. Psychiatrist Grant Brenner notes, “Living with borderline disorder means putting in the effort and overcoming challenges together, strengthening the bond and, eventually, the relationship. Two developmentally focused people can use the challenges of borderline to their advantage.” nine0005

Advice for those in a relationship with a borderline person

Strike while it's cold. People with this diagnosis have difficulty thinking clearly when their emotions are at their peak. Avoid discussing relationship problems until your partner feels safe, and don't take anything they say about you personally when they're stressed.

Repeat that it's okay to be imperfect. Every relationship gives rise to many hopes for what the partner will be like. But realizing that relationships involve a range of emotions and sometimes people can be bored with each other and that's okay relieves stress. nine0005

Beware of being trapped. People with borderline disorder may threaten suicide to keep your attention. If you're staying with your partner just because you're afraid they won't survive without you, it's time to seek help.

Stay curious. Having to constantly deal with the fact that your partner is furious or feeling helpless can cause you to panic. But try to step back from these experiences and ask your partner what is going on inside him. “Your curiosity will be his medicine,” says Dr. Ross Ellenhorn. nine0005

Source: psychologytoday.com impulsive behavior and low self-control. Forbes Life figured out what causes this disease, how to diagnose borderline personality disorder and how to help people who have experienced it

Mental personality disorders differ from other types of disorders in their intensity. They cannot be treated like an ordinary illness, as a temporary mental disorder, because personality disorders affect a set of personal characteristics formed in childhood. There are a number of problems with diagnosing such diseases: their symptoms are quite individual, although there are a number of common signs. For borderline personality disorder (BPD), these may include difficulties with self-image, extreme mood swings, risky behavior, and self-harm. The good news is that personality disorders can still be managed—there is a cure. nine0005

Now officially: BPD is a diagnosis

Borderline personality disorder is one of the ten types of personality disorders in modern psychotherapy, which is expressed in problems of awareness and formation of personal identity. Psychologist, Gestalt therapist Valentin Oskin notes that this mental illness is associated with strong, uncontrollable and often painful emotions that lead to a distorted sense of self and unstable interpersonal relationships. nine0005

People with BPD are reverse solipsists: they are convinced of the inviolability of the world around them, but doubt the reality of their own existence - their image of the inner “I” is so mobile and unstable. In addition to depersonalization, "borderguards" are characterized by impulsiveness, dependence on other people, unstable behavior, a tendency to a chaotic life, and even a need to harm themselves and injure themselves. "Border guards" are characterized by chronic suicidality: 75% of people with BPD try to commit suicide, of which about 10% die as a result of suicide. Moreover, a third of all completed suicides were committed by those suffering from borderline personality disorder. nine0005

Despite the statistics, until 2022 the diagnosis of BPD in Russia could not be officially diagnosed - borderline personality disorder in psychiatry was defined as a disease only in foreign classifications of diseases. It was often called impulsive personality disorder or generally diagnosed as sluggish schizophrenia: the diseases are similar in symptoms, among the signs of BPD there are no hallucinations and delusions. BPD also resembles bipolar affective disorder (up to 40% of "border guards" get an erroneous diagnosis of bipolar disorder), only periods of depressive and elated mood are replaced with bipolar disorder less often. The transition to the International Classification of Diseases of the 11th revision will finally allow doctors to make an accurate diagnosis for Russian citizens and prescribe the appropriate treatment. nine0005

Diagnosis is not a sentence, the boundary between the norm and pathology is very flexible: “Each of us has borderline responses. For some, they are deeply hidden and appear only in crises, traumas, stressful situations. And for some, life as such is stressful, and therefore the ways of responding turn into what psychologists could call the borderline organization of the personality,” notes Irina Mlodik, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, in the book “House of Cards. Psychotherapeutic assistance to clients with borderline disorders. nine0005

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Ghost hints

Most people with BPD are unaware of their diagnosis and do not seek medical attention. And it's not just that BPD in psychology does not have a clear definition. The disease does not allow you to objectively assess your mental state and understand that the indomitable monster inside is raging not because of the permanent retrograde Mercury and the fatal force of circumstances. The absence of obvious mental abnormalities like hallucinations makes it possible to attribute emotional behavior to character traits. Colleagues, friends and relatives often believe that behind the disgusting behavior of such a person is hysteria and selfishness. Therefore, systematic treatment of borderline personality disorder begins in most cases after a suicide attempt. nine0005

The most striking and obvious sign of borderline personality disorder is a craving for auto-aggression, or self-harm. This is not only the infliction of bodily harm (cuts, blows or burns), but also the intention to deprive oneself of sleep, nutrition. This practice is not necessarily a consequence of suicidal behavior: physical pain serves as a way to drown out inner pain, to switch attention from uncontrollable emotions to those that have become the result of an effort of will. The problem is that self-harm is either carefully hidden by people with BPD because it is not normal in our culture, or they perceive it as controlled behavior (eg, exhausting workouts in the gym, striving to do work tasks in their free time). nine0005

Borderline personality disorder may be accompanied by alcohol, drug, gambling and a number of other diseases. “For example, depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders are common in people with BPD. Often, a history of PTSD or CPTSD is found, ”notes Valentin Oskin. That is, constant panic attacks or overeating in the evenings can be a sign of more serious mental disorders than just a reaction to stress.

Mind, a British mental health resource, highlights the following symptoms that may indicate borderline personality disorder. If they last long enough and have a negative impact on your life, it makes sense to consult a psychotherapist or psychiatrist:

  • Fear of being alone. You constantly worry about people leaving you and are ready to do everything to prevent this from happening.
  • Impulsivity and affectivity. You are overcome by strong emotions that last from several hours to several days and can change quickly (for example, from feelings of happiness and confidence to sudden depression and sadness). This is especially evident in a state of anger, which is difficult to control. In a state of severe stress, you may also experience paranoia or dissociation (as if everything is not happening to you, but to someone else). nine0090
  • Depersonalization. There is no clear idea of ​​who you really are: the sense of self and behavior changes radically depending on where and with whom you are. As an option - a constant feeling of emptiness inside, boredom, misunderstanding of one's true desires and values.
  • Communication problems. It is very difficult for you to create and maintain stable relationships, you are prone to masochistic communication, cyclically idealize and devalue even the closest people, and do not always correctly interpret the motives of the actions of others. nine0090

“Borderline personality disorder can manifest itself in a wide range of signs,” says Valentin Oskin, “the symptoms of borderline personality disorder are most fully described in the DSM-5 and ICD-11 reference books. If grouped together, the symptoms will reflect a lack of control in the emotional, behavioral, cognitive spheres, as well as a distortion of the sense of self and a violation of interpersonal relationships. According to the psychologist, it is extremely difficult for people with BPD to break off relationships, even those that need to be broken off. Instead, they may go to great lengths to keep the people who matter to them around them. nine0005

At the same time, “border guards” tend to involuntarily throw out their emotions on those who are dear to them: “Often this ends with an interruption in communication, because not everyone is able to endure such a bolt from the blue. And even more so if this thunder rumbles once every couple of months, ”Ksenia Ivanenko notes in her Telegram channel, where she describes her personal experience in dealing with BPD.

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To determine if you are at risk, you can take several tests for borderline personality disorder that are publicly available. It is important to understand that the result obtained is not a final diagnosis, it can only be made by a qualified doctor after analyzing the symptoms. nine0005

The Root of the Problem: What Causes Borderline Personality Disorder

Effective treatment for most mental illnesses requires identifying the cause. Borderline personality disorder is problematic in that it arises from a number of factors and affects the basic components of the personality. That is, there is simply no specific reason that triggers the PRL processes. “While BPD is one of the most researched personality disorders, there is no consensus on what exactly causes it. Severe stresses experienced by children and adolescents, such as neglect, prolonged painful separation, loss of a parent, violence, are common in people with BPD. There is also evidence of a genetic predisposition: among first-line relatives of a person with borderline disorder, the likelihood of developing a similar disorder is 3-5 times higher when compared with the general population,” notes Valentin Oskin. nine0005

Any person can be at risk, especially if he is going through a difficult stressful situation. It is known that this diagnosis is made more often in women than in men, and that in almost all cases of BPD it is driven by a deep emotional shock. Most researchers agree that the development of BPD is promoted by a combination of two groups of factors:

  • Stress and traumatic life situations. For example, sexual, physical or emotional abuse, persistent feelings of fear or abandonment in childhood, family problems, repressed feelings of anger, anxiety, and sadness. Stress or trauma in adulthood can trigger the onset of borderline personality disorder. nine0090
  • Genetic predisposition and environmental influences. The disease can be inherited, but more often borderline occurs as a pattern of behavior unconsciously borrowed from parents or close people, reactions to external stimuli.

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No reason to break ties

If there is a “border guard” in your environment, you can build constructive communication with him, although this will require a lot of effort. “It is important to understand that a person with borderline personality disorder takes criticism extremely hard, for him it sounds like rejection, which he is terribly afraid of. At the same time, emotional jumps do not allow him to get the desired intimacy. Relations with such a person are usually like a swing between the poles "I love you, don't leave me - I hate you, I'll leave you." It is important to understand that with borderline personality disorder it is impossible to consciously change your behavior, thinking, emotional reactions and response patterns to certain situations, ”says Valentin Oskin. nine0005

Many "border guards" live with a constant oppressive feeling of guilt, they feel broken, bad and unworthy of normal communication, which they badly need. They are unable to correctly read the reactions of others and the motives of their actions. This determines their strange behavior and repels potential partners and friends. Often, people with borderline personality disorder have a Favorite Person - a person on whom the "borderguard" is extremely dependent and who replaces not only everyone around him, but also himself. If this person is busy or there is a conflict with him, the “border guard” literally collapses the world: he drowns in a storm of emotions, reflects on death and looks for thousands of reasons why he was rejected. nine0005

There are a number of rules that psychologists have developed for those who seek to communicate as "border guards", minimizing chaos, conflicts and the possibility of a tragic denouement: could end in disaster.

  • Mark your personal boundaries, which are unacceptable to cross. For the “border guard”, formal frameworks are important that will help contain his emotional storm and not pour it out on others. nine0090
  • Do not take words spoken in a fit of emotion as a confession in a true relationship. This is a consequence of the fact that in people with BPD, periods of deification/devaluation change very quickly.
  • Explain rationally the motives of one's actions. A person with borderline personality disorder will need your presence 24/7 and perceive certain actions as dismissive towards him. Take care of yourself: specify the time you spend separately, and try to logically explain why you are doing this or that and do not intend to devalue or leave the “border guard”. nine0090

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    How to get rid of BPD

    The main way to deal with borderline personality disorder is psychotherapy, in which work is done on the accompanying manifestations of an unstable mental state (depression, addictions, eating disorders, etc.) and syndromes (it is often necessary to treat alcohol withdrawal symptoms). syndrome). This is a long and complicated process, but statistics show that 70% of the “border guards” get rid of the main symptoms during therapy within six years, and remission occurs in a third of patients after two years. nine0005

    “In therapy, people with BPD are primarily trained in emotional control, responsibility, and interpersonal skills. Dialectico-behavioral psychotherapy, a specially developed method for the treatment of BPD based on cognitive behavioral therapy, is well suited for this. No less effective is schema therapy, which also has special developments for the treatment of BPD. In the course of treatment, pharmacotherapy can also be prescribed, for example, for the treatment of associated depression or anxiety disorder, ”says Valentin Oskin. nine0005

    Comprehensive treatment may include the following therapies: