Dating a couple

More Than Two | Guide to Dating a Couple

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I started writing the pages you see here way back in 1997. This may be the oldest continuously-updated Web site on polyamory on the net! Find out more about the history of More Than Two here!

With grateful acknowledgement to Jenny

So you're thinking about dating someone who is already part of an existing couple. Or, maybe you're considering dating both members of an existing couple. It’s quite common for polyamorous people to begin new relationships while already in a relationship; this is, after all, the nature of polyamory.

If you’re considering dating someone who’s already in an established relationship, it might be tempting to believe that person has less at stake than you do—less risk of hurt, less emotional vulnerability—because, after all, that person already has someone else to fall back on if your relationship doesn’t work out, right?

In practice, it doesn’t work that way. Being involved romantically with someone does not make the pain of losing a relationship any less. (In fact, I’ve written an entire essay on this topic .) This page is intended to provide some tips for would-be “third wheels” to avoid causing unnecessary pain.

If any of the people concerned are bisexual, it’s important for those people to be completely up front about it, and about the expectations (if there are any) of sexual or emotional intimacy.

Sometimes, when a person who self-identifies as “bisexual” begins dating someone in an existing relationship, there may be an expectation that he or she should be sexually or romantically involved with everyone in that existing relationship. This kind of expectation, especially if it’s unspoken, can create all sorts of tension. If the couple expects the romantic relationship to include both of them, but the person entering the relationship does not, it’s particularly important that everyone understands everyone else’s intentions clearly. If you’re interested in one member of the existing couple, but not both of them, say so. Likewise, if you are interested in both members of an existing couple, say so. By defining the parameters up front about who you expect to be intimate with, you can avoid a lot of grief down the road.

Be very skeptical of couples who say things like “We only want someone who will date both of us” or “We expect someone to have the same feelings for both of us.” It’s generally neither reasonable nor possible to expect relationships with two different people to develop at the same rate and in the same way; there are many people who try to make this happen, but it very rarely works. This combines two of the most common poly mistakes—trying to force relationships to fit a predefined shape, and expecting different relationships to develop the same way—into one.

Worse, some couples try to use this as a way to avoid dealing with jealousy or insecurity, naively believing that if both members of the couple are dating the same person, then nobody will feel “left out,” and therefore nobody will feel jealous. In reality, it doesn’t work that way; jealousy, like all emotional responses, is rarely rational, and does not often give way to rational thoughts like “Well, I’m having sex with her too, so I shouldn’t feel jealous if he has sex with her!”

Don’t assume that it’s necessary to develop a relationship with both people in a couple in exactly the same way; relationships grow on their own, and no two relationships are ever the same anyway. Doing this may impose unrealistic expectations on you; even if you were to date identical twins, it would be reasonable to expect each relationship to develop differently! Remember, you may be dating a couple, but each person in that couple is still an individual.

Don’t take one half of the couple’s word that the other half “is fine with it” on anything you propose to do for the first time. This is particularly a problem with “don’t ask, don’t tell” relationships, where it may be difficult or impossible for you to verify whether or not your prospective lover’s partner is even okay with the idea of non-monogamy at all!

Similarly, don’t take one person’s word for the way the other person is feeling or thinking. Even the slightest trace of misunderstanding, ambiguity, or wishful thinking can quickly escalate into a full-fledged meltdown. If you have any questions, go to the person involved directly.

Maintaining a successful relationship with one half of a couple often relies on good communication with both members of that couple.

Don’t start a relationship with one member of a couple, unless you are prepared to be involved to some extent with both of them. This might sound elementary. Read it again, anyway. Regardless of whether or not you are dating both members of the couple, a relationship exists between you and both members of that couple, in the sense that each of them can have an impact on the shape your relationship takes.

I’m not saying you must be romantically involved with both members of an existing couple. What I am saying is that your partner’s other relationship can and probably will affect you relationship.

If one member of the couple wants to have nothing to do with you, wants no contact or communication with you, or seems reluctant to even acknowledge your existence, take this as a warning sign. The likelihood is rather high that this will lead to grief down the road. At the very least, it makes asking for the things you need significantly more difficult, and it forces your partner to separate her relationship with her other partner from her relationship with you, making time management, scheduling, and communication more challenging.

Understand that whether you are dating both halves of a couple, or forming a V relationship, there is an existing bond that is very important to the people concerned. The strength of that bond directly impacts the amount of love and energy available to you—the stronger the bond, the more goodies for you.

You cannot fix a broken relationship. If the couple is already having problems, adding a new relationship with you to the mix isn’t going to fix those problems. The stronger their relationship, the better the foundation for your relationship; and the more problems exist in their relationship, the more problems will likely occur in yours.

Don’t become the go-between in the couple’s relationship. This is asking for trouble—and if things go badly, which they almost certainly will, you’re likely to end up being seen as the villain.

Don’t expect someone else to be a go-between for you. If you are involved with one member of an existing couple, don’t expect the person you’re involved with to act as a go-between for you and the other partner. If you have questions or concerns about your partner’s other partner, talk to that person directly about them!

Be clear what you need and expect from a relationship, and be clear that your lover or lovers are willing and able to meet your needs and expectations, or at least treat them with respect.

Understand what their “rules” are. Just as importantly, seek to understand why those rules exist; that way, you avoid the dangers inherent in obeying the letter of the rules but violating their spirit.

Understand that “rules” are based on feelings, and feelings can change, and this may mean the rules need to be renegotiated. This includes your rules and your feelings.

You have the right to make yourself heard. If you feel that a rule is unreasonable, or if a rule is actively acting against your interests, or if some agreement on the part of the couple excludes you from getting what you need from the relationship, say so. There is no shame in asking for what you need, and if you do not ask for what you need, you can not reasonably expect to have what you need. Understand, though, that asking for something does not and should not automatically mean you get it.

The couple’s relationship is not more important than your relationships with them. It is longer-lived. It operates on a different set of rules. But it is NOT more important.

Remember that while you may sometimes miss out on time with your lover(s), due to competing commitments, you will often get better-quality loving, because you are not always available and therefore taken for granted like the long-term partner.

Last updated: Sun Nov 22, 2020

10 Reasons to Try Dating a Couple

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10 Reasons to Try Dating a Couple

You know yourself better than anyone. So if you’re the type of guy who could never date a couple, then please, do yourself a favor, and close out of this page. If your blood boils at the thought of any type of non-monogamous relationship, then this is not for you.

Now, if you’re someone who’s never dated a couple, but the idea of it piques your interest—even just a little—then this article is for you. As a guy who has dated married men, I can say that there’s something extraordinary about dating a couple. Here are ten reasons you should mingle with non-singles!

Two heads are better than one

Pun gleefully intended. It’s always nice to be able to have multiple people to bounce ideas off. When you date a couple, you inevitably get multiple perspectives and opinions. You also know something is more likely a real problem if both guys say so.

It pushes your boundaries

Dating a couple isn’t all that common (that’s for sure). Numerous challenges will arise from dating a duo. There will be problems within your relationship that you’ll have to discuss, but then there will also be obstacles that result from engaging in a relationship that’s not traditional and heteronormative. Polyamorous relationships force you to be introspective and allow opportunities for personal growth.

Intimacy is expedited

When you start dating a couple, you’re joining a stable, pre-existing relationship. They’re already open, comfortable, intimate, vulnerable, and trusting of one another. So when you join them, you become emotionally close with them way sooner than you would while dating a single person. You get swept up in their relationship and the way that they behave. Honestly, it’s nice to be able to start dating some guys/girls and be able to feel comfortable around them so quickly.

It forces you to work on your communication skills

For any relationship to work, it requires direct and constant communication. When you date a couple, you need to be even better about communicating. Otherwise, things can go bad in the blink of an eye. You need to make sure two people’s needs are being met, not just one. You need to make sure you’re not overly favoring one person in the couple over the other. There are unique challenges that come with dating a couple, and unless you’re open and communicative, your relationship is going to end painfully and quickly.

There’s less pressure

Since you’re not thinking about marriage, there’s less pressure. There isn’t an end goal in mind the same way there is when you start dating one person. You can date the couple for a few months or a few years and have a great relationship. You don’t go into the relationship necessarily looking for a long-term commitment. However, if that so happens, that’s awesome too!

You discover what's important in your relationships

When you date a couple, you learn what’s important in a relationship. You’re not upset that your partner is sleeping with someone else, because hey, he already is! You realize that your petty and jealous insecurities are just that: insecurities. You learn it’s not worth it to obsess over nonsense.

They’re so appreciative

Most people refuse to date a couple, so if you are open to it, they will be so grateful from the get go. The couple will be so happy that you're taking a risk by dating both of them, and will, therefore, treat you extra kindly.

The sex is phenomenal

Honestly, I’m proud that I waited to make this reason number eight. The sex is phenomenal. Threesomes — they’re just great. Ok? I don’t even know what else there is to say. And don’t slut shame anyone who’s all about threesomes.

You can still date other guys

You may be in a closed triad, which means you could only date and sleep with the other two guys in your relationship. That exists and some guys do it. That said, most of the time, from my personal experience, when you date a couple, you’re still allowed and encouraged to date others.

The conversations are always better

It’s nice having two guys to talk to. Not just to solve your problems, but simply to chat with. You get more thoughts, opinions, and straight up everything, from having a third person enter into the conversation.

55 options for all occasions

It is unlikely that anyone wants to stoop to banalities and repeat the same scenario for all meetings with their couple. But there is a desire to impress with resourcefulness and creativity. Where to look for suitable date ideas? In this article, of course! Here there are ideas for the first meetings, and possible plans for those who are in long-term relationships. It's a matter of choice.

1. Active.

If a couple has a cheerful disposition and does not like to sit still for a long time, active adventures will suit her. Here are 10 great ways to have fun.

Visit an amusement park. Take cotton candy, compete in a shooting range, jump on a trampoline and be sure to check out the roller coaster.
Go to a dance party. It could be a night club, but the outdoor disco is better. Dancing on the evening beach is romance wrapped in fun.
Go to a bike rental shop. It is better to take water with you in advance. You can ride around the city, but if the bike is still poorly mastered, it would be nice to find a place outside the city or away from the main roads.
Use roller skates, skates or a skateboard. Find helmets and knee pads for insurance.
Create a personal city tour and visit previously unfamiliar places. Take your cameras with you or use the cameras on your smartphones.
Go swimming. Water parks, local natural or artificial reservoirs, swimming pools or even spas.
Devote a day to volunteering. To do this, you can look for volunteers on the streets, look at the city website, arrange your own charity event.
Play non-team games . Tennis (table and regular), badminton, squash. Bowling, billiards, darts are also suitable. If desired, you can arrange sports competitions, taking into account the capabilities of each other.
Organize a flash mob . You can attract people through social networks, print ads and stick them around the city. Or it is enough just to involve close friends.
Look at the city festival , fair, competition. Almost every locality has a page on social networks, which is maintained by active citizens. There are announcements of upcoming events.

2. With animals.

It is hardly possible to find a person who does not like animals at all. Their presence helps to relax, to behave more at ease on a date. Pets amuse, throw up new topics for conversation and help out with awkward silence.

Go to the zoo . In some of them, you can feed the animals with food sold near the enclosures.
Visit the animal show or go to a shelter to volunteer to take care of your little brothers.
Organize a horse ride . In warm weather, cities often also offer donkey rides or a cart drawn by a pair of horses.
Search the websites of your city for a vacancy for a dog sitter . His duties include taking care of dogs, including walking with them. You can also "borrow" pets from your friends. And the animals will be walked, and the owners will rest.
Visit the circus . In addition to the performances of trainers, photography with exotic animals after the performance will also be an interesting activity.
Visit pet store . Look at the animals there or even ask the seller to take care of them. Will it be allowed?
Take pictures of street animals , birds. Look for them near reserves, botanical gardens, in forests or other natural areas.
Feed the birds in the park . If you are lucky and there is a lake with swans in the city, this will be a great opportunity for romantic conversations.
Attention: for especially risky people. Arrange a tasting of cat and dog food . Grab a couple of plates of activated charcoal in a pharmacy beforehand.
Draw each other make-up on the face in the form of animal muzzles.

Pass the temperament test

3. Cultural.

Sometimes the soul requires something high and developing. Then a date related to art and its manifestations will do. 10 ideas for this.

Go to the museum or an art exhibition. If whole installations are organized in the city, even better.
Visit opera, philharmonic, instrumental concert, other event with good music. You can also watch the performance of street musicians.
Find an announcement about literary readings or apartment building. If one of the couple or even both write poetry, you can perform with your own works.
Sign up for pair dance courses . Ballroom, including classical and Latin American, modern, stage or even folk - it does not matter, as long as the choreography and movements bring pleasure.
Walk around the city in search of street art . Capture beautiful pictures with your camera. You can paint your garage or yard.
Take an interest in historical monuments of your locality, compare architecture, learn about the history of sculptures. It is a good idea to sign up for a tourist walk around the city with a guide.
For those who don't mind having a date with long-term training, comparison of books and their adaptations is suitable . You can read the original both together and separately, but watching a film based on the work is mandatory together.
Check out the karaoke club or live music bar. Here you can listen to good compositions, especially if it is jazz, and test your own vocals.
Visit quest room . It is advisable to know exactly the theme of the quests, because often they include horror elements. For people with a weak nervous system, such leisure is not suitable.
Walk through the streets illuminated at night . Bright lights, a starry sky, silence and the absence of a crowd bring them together well.

4. For the home.

Bad weather, lack of mood, or temporary financial problems force people to refuse to go outside. Why force yourself when you can have a date at home? Of course, provided that the couple has known each other for quite a long time and the invitation to visit does not look strange or ambiguous.

Play board games , twister, darts, table billiards, video games, cards, puzzles.
Cooking together. Pampering, jokes and flirting are welcome.
Dine together with a romantic comedy and a good bottle of wine or whiskey.
Try to create things for the interior with your own hands. There are plenty of articles and video reviews on the Internet on this topic.
If the size of the bath allows, you can fill it with water, add foam, sea salt and comfortably sit in it together. Scented bath bombs are a great idea too.
Bring albums of childhood photographs to and tell the story of each photograph, describing the people on it.
Paint windows in the theme of the nearest holiday . For this, gouache, toothpaste, liquid eyeliner, varnish, ink or, at worst, watercolor are suitable. You can then erase the art with water with the addition of a few drops of acetone.
Arrange an erotic massage session for each other . It is better to immediately stock up on essential oils or at least creams based on them.
Let a guy do his girlfriend's makeup . Or ask your partner to choose clothes from the wardrobe that he likes the most. This is an occasion to laugh and at the same time get to know your partner better.
Pass couple tests . They can be serious, funny or creative. Such an activity will allow you to get closer, create a trusting atmosphere.

Pass the compatibility test

5. Light.

Feel like adrenaline? Why not. Who said that you can't arrange such dates?

Go see a horror movie or a thriller with emotional scenes.
Sign up for paintball . Develop the skills of understanding and working with each other.
Visit the fear room in the amusement park.
Try 9 if possible0010 skydiving bungee jumping, diving or extreme sports.
Join fireshow . Be sure to ask about safety.
Spend time in rope park or climbing wall.
Rent a motorcycle and ride around the city at night.
Visit the big shooting gallery . Not in an amusement park, shooting elephants and giraffes, but a real institution where headphones and firearms are issued.
Have a dinner on the roof of a high-rise building.
Book a table at exotic cuisine restaurant . Work out the "poker face" first, otherwise you won't like the exotic.

6. Non-standard.

And if you suddenly want something completely unusual, then here are five more ideas on how to spend unforgettable and fun time together.

Sign up for tantric sex training and then practice it at home in a comfortable environment.
Randomly select on the map of the city (region or even country) a point for travel. On the spot, you can organize a picnic, arrange a photo session or just enjoy the view, taking wine or beer according to your mood.
Create a collaborative video . It is possible that two people appear in the frames all the time. Or you can separately record answers to the same questions and ask friends or a specialist to mount it all in one video.
Play a "demo wedding" . Pick up "wedding" dresses, a bridal bouquet, buy champagne, create "wedding" rings from improvised means. Instead of a priest, let a mutual friend speak.
Complete the questionnaire of psychologist Arthur Aron together. It contains 36 questions that, according to the scientist, make the interlocutors fall in love. They can also deepen and strengthen feelings that have already arisen.

These date ideas can be used in full or in part. Perhaps you want to combine two ideas into one. Someone will find it funny to test themselves and try to complete ten points at once in one evening. The main thing is that the couple is comfortable and not bored together at a rendezvous. And what exactly it will be - everyone chooses for himself. However, this article will serve as a good helper in finding alternatives.

Pass the Freud test

A date for a married couple - we return romance

In the relationship of every married couple, there comes a period when strong feelings seem to begin to evaporate, and they are replaced by a habit, a calm course of life. Forgotten dates, tenderness, compliments. Hormones now have a completely different and unpleasant effect. They provoke quarrels and irritation from the fact that the partner does not want to take part in solving everyday and family problems, does not pay attention to important little things, does not understand perfectly, as before, does not take care of children, and many, many other “not”.

At some point, the duty kiss at the door - a tribute to a long tradition - gradually becomes optional, and in general everything becomes uninteresting. Where did that love go, when both of them seemed to have butterflies fluttering in their stomachs at the mere thought of each other?

Of course, it happens differently for everyone, but true love cannot just disappear. And, if both partners want to make some efforts, try to remember or get to know each other in a new way, maybe arrange a romantic date again “like at eighteen” - the crust of everyday life, routine and misunderstanding will crack. And feelings will return, even if not the former ones, but more mature and conscious. But in this maturity all the wisdom of human relations will be gathered.

Appointment with memories

Put the children to bed, take out a photo album with student photos and, climbing up on the sofa, remember how, returning from meetings, you hid from the concierge in the hostel, sneaking into the room through the balcony. autumn forest near a huge toadstool mushroom, how hot the nights were in a tent on a camping trip during the summer holidays.

Even though you don't have a common student background, the memory of the first meeting is vivid in your memory: how long you didn't dare to agree on a date, how cold your stomach felt.

Persuade your husband to get off the couch on the weekend and go for a walk. Take him to the old, long-familiar streets, to the cafe where he treated you to ice cream for the first time. And if that cafe is no longer there, buy ice cream on the street - remember friends and events of those times. Shared memories, like shared experiences, are strong bonds that connect you. Sometimes you really need to remind yourself and your soulmate about this.

A date with benefits for the body

Well, it's not what you think J We hope that regular exercise in bed does not need to be reminded on the pages of our portal.

Invite your husband to go in for sports together in a cool sports complex located nearby and rejoice together how successfully and at a huge discount you bought an annual subscription there. And if you are serious, then these classes several times a week will turn into dates, with going to the sauna on weekends and common interests.

If the sports complex seems expensive to you, why not arrange a run together at the nearest stadium or park?

If you think this is boring, go to the hippodrome and take a walk in nature in the company of the most beautiful creatures created by Nature - horses. On the way back, you can ride the rides, go karting, and with a sufficient level of courage, jump from the bridge on a rope, as it is fashionably called “bungee jumping”.

Date-escape from children

If the children are already adults, this is not a problem. Although if you tell them that you are in a hurry for a date, so you can’t chat on the phone for a long time, believe me - adult children will be happy. If we are talking about teenagers, schoolchildren or kids - you can always find options with whom to leave the child, and go on vacation together - and let the whole world wait.

The famous American writer Pamela Druckerman, who at one time started a family with a British man in Paris, briefly recalled such dates in her famous book “French Education”. According to the writer, French psychologists recommend that parents of children of any age (even babies) once a month leave the kids for a nanny, and go on a real date themselves. The one with flowers, in a dress, in an expensive restaurant and continuing until late at night. As Ms. Druckerman explains, such outings make both parents (who remember what a “sparkle” between two people) and children are happier. After all, the latter the next day see mom and dad incredibly loving each other, and this is a guarantee of children's peace.

Play and breathe to the fullest

Remember what play and adventure are. You can take your children with you, or you can “lease” them to your grandparents for the weekend and come up with something unusual for you, forgotten over the years of family life. Something that you haven’t done together for a long time. And if it's hard to come up with - choose the letter of the alphabet, which you will follow. For example, "K" - skating rink, cinema, karting. Or "C" - sushi, salt baths, solarium ... This can become a quest game for you. First, you think of something to do, then you implement the idea and face another task - to come up with something new for the same letter. Spend a day of fun together: watch a movie with popcorn and cola, ride a skating rink, play bowling and dine there in any cafe of your choice.

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