Codependency support forum

If you still decide to leave a dependent relationship, be prepared for the fact that the manipulator will try to keep you at any cost. He will become kind and accommodating, will stop demanding something, will fulfill any whims. But this will last exactly until he realizes that you have not got out of his networks. We will give some recommendations on how to get out of a codependent relationship with a man.

• Answer simple questions: “What do I feel?”, “What are my boundaries?”, “What is happening to me”, “Do I want to be where I am now?” etc. Be honest with yourself, try to focus on your desires, interests, hobbies, communication with friends, break out into a diverse and exciting world. Don't be afraid to be alone, without a man, look at yourself and stay with yourself. nine0154
• Keep a diary where you will write about codependent relationships, how you see them, what emotions are caused by certain situations associated with a partner. Describe in detail how you felt after another wave of pressure. These notes will be useful for studying your "I" and communicating with a psychologist.
• Recognize the existence of a problem and take steps to solve it with the help of a specialist - an indicator of intelligence and mental strength. Elena Emelyanova writes about this in her book "The Crisis in Co-Dependent Relationships". Infinitely saving someone, a person loses emotional control over his life. That is what needs to be returned. nine0154
• It is important to get away from mythological thinking and return to reality, to recognize that the environment does not bring happiness, that it is abnormal. Yes, reality will turn out to be harsh, it will not be easy to accept it, but this is a step towards healthy relationships and returning to yourself. You need to take responsibility, become the author of your own life.
• Return to childhood traumas, work through unfinished stories from the past that suppress the addict. Often, codependency begins with similar relationships with parents, the “victim” tries to make up for the lack of love or projects the experience gained in childhood into his personal life. You need to look at all these moments from the perspective of an adult and forgive your relatives. nine0154

Leave, no matter how hard it is. Go forward, into the future, to those relationships in which you will be truly loved and appreciated. If there is a desire to change co-dependent relationships and maintain an alliance with a partner, one should not neglect the help of a family psychologist.

Photo: Keira Burton, Cottonbro: Pexels

Codependent relationships: what are they, signs and how to get out of them

How to distinguish a just unhappy union from a codependent relationship? And can codependent relationships be happy? We deal with a psychologist. nine0003

The author of the article is Svetlana Makhova, family psychotherapist, specialist in the service for the selection of psychologists Alter

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What is a co-dependent relationship

A co-dependent relationship is a destructive form of relationship in which a person is fully involved and completely absorbed in the life of another person, most often addicted: from alcohol, drugs, food, games, work, gambling and computer games, dangerous species sports, shopping and the like. nine0003

Participants in co-dependent relationships believe that the actions and behavior of other people completely affect their life and condition, so they are completely absorbed in controlling their own and others' actions, and thus regulate their own condition.

The term "codependency" means "joint dependency". It first appeared in medicine and psychology in the late 1970s, when scientists began to investigate the causes of relapse in people with chemical addiction. Alcoholics and drug addicts, returning after therapy and rehabilitation to their families, again began to drink or use drugs. The study of the relationship between the addict and close relatives helped to reveal the phenomenon of codependence as a stable system of attitudes, stimuli and reactions that support the use of drugs and alcohol. nine0003

Signs of a co-dependent relationship

A partner can be a husband/wife, parent/child, boss/subordinate/employee - anyone with whom you are in some kind of relationship.

• you think that your partner is to blame for the fact that something is not going well in your life, because ...
• if your partner is in a bad mood or something is not going well with him, or you think that something is wrong with him - you do not find a place for yourself, you cannot do anything, therefore ...
• you must do something to make him feel good or everything will work out for him;
• you do not openly discuss the problems with your partner - you discuss his behavior with other people, trying to understand its causes in order to find a way to fix the problem, because ...
• you are afraid to upset, offend, anger your partner;
• a partner can directly or indirectly blame you for something going wrong with him, and you easily agree with this; nine0154
• you think that help, support, attention, love must be earned by good behavior, and. ..
• if you do not receive due attention and help from your partner, then you think that you are not good enough and you need to become better.

A person with co-dependent behavior can be recognized by conversations: his involvement in the lives of other people is manifested in an endless discussion of others - spouse, colleagues, friends, neighbors. Communication with such people is reminiscent of a joke about lumberjacks: “What are lumberjacks talking about? In the forest - about women, with women - about the forest. At home, they discuss their boss or employees with relatives, at work - relatives, complaining about their behavior. In contact with such a person, the interlocutor has a feeling of some confusion: it is not clear what he wants, what he feels like in this situation or next to you. You want to save such a person right away: give him advice, offer help. nine0003

Frame from Gossip Girl TV series

© kinopoisk

How co-dependent relationships arise

The formation of a tendency to co-dependent relationships is influenced by certain conditions of upbringing, where parents or close relatives had an addiction, a mental disorder, demonstrated violence or used it as an educational measure in relation to the child. In such families, no one was interested in the feelings, experiences, needs and desires of the child, no one was interested in his opinion. The child rarely heard praise addressed to him. Everything that he did well was perceived as the norm, and for everything that did not work out, he was scolded, punished, criticized. nine0003

Silence and detachment as a way of punishment made the child suffer in uncertainty: he could not understand what his fault was and how to return the favor of his parents. As a result, the child learned that he was responsible for the condition and well-being of loved ones, and in order to please them, he must have the ability to guess how to do it.

There is no direct dialogue in such families. There, no one talks about himself, his experiences, desires, does not express requests. All communication is built on duty, avoidance of problems. nine0003

This is how a person learned from childhood that:

• he is the cause of everything that happens to loved ones;
• he is to blame for everything, he himself must understand the reason and find a way to fix everything;
• you can’t ask anyone - this is a sign of weakness, you have to guess;
• everything that happens to him can negatively affect others, be ridiculed and devalued, so it is not safe to talk about yourself;
• one cannot want anything for oneself - this is a manifestation of egoism; nine0154
• first of all it is important to take care of others;
• others know better what is good for him, so the opinion of others is a priority.

A person's strong conviction that he must above all take care of others excludes even the thought of taking responsibility for his own life into his own hands and doing something for himself. Self-care is manifested in the expectation that others will take care of him if he "deserves" it. And instead of solving his own problems, he is violently involved in others, with a timid expectation that he will be noticed, appreciated, paid attention to him and offered help. It turns out, like Bulgakov in The Master and Margarita: “Never ask for anything! Never and nothing, and especially for those who are stronger than you. They themselves will offer and give everything themselves! nine0003

Shot from the film "500 Days of Summer"

© kinopoisk

In such relationships, the boundaries between the participants are blurred. A person does not distinguish where he is and where the other is. One perceives any refusal not as the will of the other ("Sorry, what you offer does not suit me"), but as the fact that he did not try hard enough or not good enough - "did not deserve it. " And if he tries, changes, becomes better, the other will definitely notice / love / appreciate / give him what he wants. Therefore, it is difficult for him to leave the relationship. He does not have the feeling that he is bad in a relationship, because the other does not meet halfway: there is fear, shame and guilt that he is doing something wrong. To be loved, you have to earn love. And he will stubbornly deserve it, regardless of the desires and will of others. nine0003

Our brains are lazy. People are more likely to build close relationships with their own kind, with those who will match their behavioral model. Co-dependent people don't see themselves very well in relationships where they don't have to take care of anyone: "Why would someone else need me if they can manage without me?"

As practice shows, almost all participants in co-dependent relationships have some kind of addiction (sometimes more than one). So, for example, in a family, the father drinks, the wife disappears at work, and the son chooses a way to get away from problems in computer games. The husband drinks, the wife has a food addiction. The girl talks about her relationship with a guy with whom they cannot leave - in the process it turns out that he once used drugs, and she was treated for anorexia. nine0003

Codependency and Karpman's Triangle

Interaction between people in codependent relationships is illustrated by a psychological model called Karpman's triangle (also called the "triangle of fate"). This scheme was first described by American psychologist, MD Stephen Karpman in 1968. According to Karpman, there are three typical roles that participants in co-dependent relationships take in relation to each other: victim, persecutor, rescuer.

Shot from the series "Sharp Objects"

© kinopoisk

Playing one of these roles, each participant fulfills their unspoken, often unconscious needs and desires in the way that is most familiar to them - this is the hidden purpose and motive of being in such a relationship. However, in the long run, none of the "players" this situation will bring relief.

A gamer son will always be dissatisfied with his mother, who does not allow him to live in peace. A workaholic mother will always reproach her alcoholic husband and gamer son, who "sit on her neck" and "did nothing useful in life." An alcoholic father will complain about his wife who constantly saws him and his son. In this example, all members of the family, to one degree or another, move from one role to another: rescuer - persecutor - victim. By helping her son and husband, the wife actually does them a disservice by not letting them face the consequences of their behavior, and by criticizing them creates tension, which each of them relieves in a chosen way - through alcohol or games. nine0003

A person who plays the role of a persecutor or a rescuer does not realize that by doing so he only maintains the addiction.

Another example. A girl enters into a relationship with a married man who complains to her that his wife has ruined his whole life, and therefore he is very unhappy. She sees in him a suitable object for the realization of the role of a rescuer: "I will be better than his wife, I will definitely make him happy." The man is the victim, his wife is the persecutor, and the girl considers herself the rescuer. The man, however, is in no hurry to leave his wife, and the girl eventually tries on the role of the victim, reproaching him for spending years on him, saving his ruined life. Their relationship can last long enough, the man will not divorce, but he will not break off relations with the girl either. He will be tormented by a sense of duty to his wife and a sense of guilt towards the girl. The wife will try to get her husband back, the girl will try to keep the man; they will all stay in the relationship without trying to change anything. nine0003

Why do all the participants in the triangle, remaining dissatisfied with the situation, nevertheless do not come out of it? Initially, they all have self-doubt, low self-esteem, fear of loneliness, and need the approval of others. Through supposedly caring for a more “vulnerable”, “independent” person, they try to compensate for their own shortcomings.

Psychologist and co-author of transactional analysis Claude Steiner put it this way: “The victim is not really as helpless as he feels; The Rescuer doesn't really help, and the Persecutor doesn't really have a valid claim." nine0003

Consequences of co-dependent relationships

In a family with co-dependent relationships, one cannot want anything “for oneself” — this is perceived as selfishness, as something condemned. Therefore, no one talks about what is important to him, everyone waits for the other to guess. A person prefers to rely on social norms and attitudes, on the opinions of others (“they said on TV”, “the boss thinks”, “the girlfriend knows for sure”), that is, he comes from a certain idea of ​​“how it should be”.

The idea of ​​asking another what he wants is rare. Usually for two reasons. First, a person "must guess for himself. " Secondly, even if you ask, they are unlikely to tell you, because “you can’t want anything for yourself.” Usually they say with shyness: “What you choose, the main thing for me is your concern.” All participants in the relationship play the guessing game and care for others based on the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhow "it should be." Therefore, if a daughter wants a blue dress, they buy her a pink one: there is no need to disgrace the family - what will people think if they see a girl in blue? And a boy in a pink T-shirt or shirt with flowers is unacceptable. Parents sincerely worry about the reputation - both their own and the child's. But behind this fear of condemnation it is difficult to hear yourself, your desires, the request of a loved one. nine0003

Such “concern” goes hand in hand with total control, condemnation of the actions of loved ones, if these actions seem unacceptable. And since a person does not have his own system of values ​​(in such a system everyone says what not to do, but no one says what to do), and he relies on the opinions of others, the rules of what not to do change often. Therefore, all participants in the relationship are in constant tension and anxiety, waiting for where and for what the reproach will fly.

Still from the film "Dirt"

© kinopoisk

What does the child hear? Most of the time, that he does everything wrong. As a rule, parents do not say how good it would be, how to fix the situation - because they themselves are not sure, and often do not know how. As a result, a person grows up who does not have support for any stable values. Such a person comes to a psychologist with the request “What should I do? What will be the correct decision? All his questions will be focused on how to do it right and how to do it. Such a person cannot defend his point of view - there is practically none; cannot make a choice, distinguish what is good for him and what is bad. If you ask him how he feels now, he will be confused, because it is important for him to give the "correct answer". Such people often experience communication anxiety for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Everything new and unknown in the family is perceived with hostility, as "dangerous". The initiative is not welcome. And when a child grows up, on the one hand, they demand independence from him, on the other hand, they continue to condemn all his attempts to do something, as well as any of his inaction. This leads to apathy and depression: I do it - it's bad, I don't do it - it's also bad. nine0003

A teenager who grew up in such a family often cannot choose where to go to study after school and who to be. Most likely, he will go where his parents say or where his classmates went, or he will delay admission without choosing a direction. Quite often teenagers go to computer games. This dependence, like no other, clearly reflects the lack of a stable value system. The game has a virtual opportunity to do something and achieve something. Passing levels, players acquire tools, skills, associates, become masters of their virtual life - here it depends on them and their actions have an obvious result. The rules and laws of the game give a sense of stability and, as a result, confidence. However, real life sags: children are lagging behind in their studies, they have no friends, there is no interest in anything other than games. nine0003

People who do not have a solid value base are permanently in a state of helplessness and despair due to their inability to change anything. There are many ways to get away from experiencing your worthlessness, guilt, shame, anxiety: alcohol, drugs, food, work, romance, and so on. Anything that allows you to quickly relieve stress. This is how addiction is formed.

What is drug addiction and how to protect loved ones from it

However, no addiction can make a person happy and his life full. Sooner or later, he begins to face the consequences of addictive behavior: it drags on, social ties collapse, problems grow like a snowball. A person with healthy boundaries, a stable value system, is unlikely to enter into a close relationship with a person who has a tendency to codependency. If you find yourself in such a relationship, it’s worth starting to deal not with your partner, but with yourself - most likely, during psychotherapy it will turn out that there were similar relationships in your parental family. nine0003

How to get out of a co-dependent relationship

If you feel that the current relationship is destructive for you, you are not confident in yourself, you don’t know how to live on, you lose meaning - seek help from a psychologist. Getting out of a codependent relationship can be difficult. Getting used to the role of a rescuer, a person feels guilty about leaving the "helpless" partner to the mercy of fate. Or the exit from the relationship is perceived as a defeat: "I failed." Or he is overwhelmed by the fear that he himself will not survive alone, although at the same time he supports himself and his family. Sometimes the partner begins to threaten suicide or violence, and then the person is in an unsafe situation and remains in the relationship out of fear. nine0003

As practice shows, it is possible to get out of co-dependent relationships by an effort of will, but this does not guarantee that in the future a person will not fall into them again. It is very difficult to single-handedly see those patterns and motives of behavior that lead to co-dependent relationships, recognize your contribution to what is happening, restore self-regulation skills and master new ways of building relationships. To get out of a co-dependent relationship, you first need to turn to yourself - learn to answer the questions "where am I, what do I feel and feel, what do I want, what are my capabilities and limits." nine0003

To develop the ability to understand your current state, you need to include in your value system the habit of answering questions:

• what is happening to me
• what is important to me
• what suits me and what doesn't suit me
• when it's time to say: "You can't do that with me."

Work with a psychologist can be carried out in one of three directions, and preferably in all at once.

Personal therapy

The main task in overcoming codependent behavior is to work with destructive attitudes, distorted self-perception, and fears. A person learns to openly express emotions, take care of himself, thereby reducing the level of anxiety and tension. nine0003

Working with the family by a family psychologist

The goal is to recognize the contribution of each family member to the current situation, restore a direct dialogue, form a trusting relationship by expressing feelings and experiences, desires and needs, as opposed to pre-existing destructive relationships based on criticism, obligation , devaluation of desires and feelings of each other.

Group work

There are anonymous groups for codependents. In a group space, a person in a safe environment masters ways of productive interaction, with the help of the leader and group members, he restores a sense of his own importance. Working in a group returns a sense of security, support, and self-confidence increases. An image of a socially adapted, successful person with personal potential is being formed. nine0003

It is important to remember that there is a way out of co-dependent relationships, both individually and for the whole family. It consists in getting to know oneself, becoming aware of experiences, learning to present them to others, and building a system of values. Bring more certainty into relationships with yourself and others.

What happens to victims of codependency is not their fault. Their character is the result of education, and their actions are determined by the ways of adapting to adverse conditions that they had to use in childhood. We do not choose which family to be born into. And at the beginning of the journey, we are dependent on our parents - this is a fact. But the good news is that as we grow up, we have the choice to try things differently, to change our lives. nine0003

There are enough examples that relationships between partners, children and parents, friends are improving - if the participants are interested in this.

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