Home » Misc » Boyfriend is needy

Boyfriend is needy


Do You Have A Clingy Boyfriend? How To Know If It's Time To Break Up

By Stephanie Kirby|Updated June 22, 2022

“Everyone has different limits in regard to how much to be attached to one’s partner. Make sure to be clear about what your limits are while also learning more about their limits. Through doing that you two can, you will hopefully have a clearer understanding if the relationship can work.” - Ryan Smith, LPC, NCC

There's nothing like the joy and pleasure that comes along with having a healthy relationship. And, there's nothing like the confusion and frustration of having a clingy boyfriend. You love him and enjoy spending time with him, but he's starting to become too much. How are you supposed to know if it's time to break up?

Clinginess Could Be A Sign of Something Deeper

Speak With A Board-Certified Relationship Therapist Online Today.

Before you jump to ending your relationship, take some time to decipher if he is clingy and, if so, why. This can help you decide how to handle the situation.

How To Tell That You Have A clingy Boyfriend

Some of you may be thinking something along the lines of, "There's no question about it, and he's clingy." But others of you may have a suspicion that your boyfriend is clingy, but you aren't sure if that's true or not.

If you aren't sure if this information will apply to your situation or not, here are some signs that you have a clingy boyfriend.

  • He Tags Along. It's nice to spend time with him, but if your boyfriend is clingy, then it's probably difficult for you to get any time away from him. If you so much as mention that you're going somewhere, he's going to be right there with you whether you invited him or not.
  • He Doesn't Have A Social Life Outside Of You. A clingy boyfriend wants to spend all his time with you. That means he's most likely stopped spending time with his guy friends. If they invite him to do things, he makes an excuse or flat out doesn't go.
  • All Your Interests Are hHs Interests. He has abandoned any of his interests and adopted all of yours. Even if it's something that you're pretty sure he doesn't actually like, he's going to make sure that he's a part of it.
  • He's Needy. A clingy boyfriend is usually a very needy one. He constantly needs to be reassured of your feelings for him and on the status of your relationship.
  • His Feelings Are Easily Hurt. If you want to go out with the girls or do something else without him, you have to worry that you will hurt his feelings.
  • He Keeps Tabs On You. It might have seemed nice at first that he was always checking in to make sure you were OK, but it didn't take long for it to become too much. If you're not with him, then he's constantly blowing up your phone.
  • He Gets Jealous Easily. A clingy boyfriend gets jealous easily, even if there isn't any reason for him to be. He's uncomfortable when you have to interact with other guys, even if it's for work, and there is nothing to be concerned about.

Reasons Your Boyfriend Is Clingy

There are many different reasons why your boyfriend is clingy, but they all usually boil down to him having emotional struggles or mental health challenges. He has low self-esteem and is very insecure about who he is as a person. This can cause him to look to you for reassurance that he's OK as a person. This can also cause him to be incredibly jealous when you give any attention to other people, especially other guys.

He could also struggle with abandonment issues from having a parent left when he was a child or being in a bad relationship in the past. Or, it could be the exact opposite, and his clinginess could be a learned behavior from his parents if they did the same to him as he was growing up.

Or, his clinginess could be due to the hurt that you caused him in your relationship. For example, if you cheated on him in the past, it's likely that he is insecure and struggles to trust you. This can mean that he will look to you for reassurance that he doesn't have anything to be worried about and that you aren't going to repeat your behavior. Or, maybe it wasn't that you were unfaithful to him but that he was in a relationship in his past where someone else was.

As you can see, there are many different reasons why your boyfriend may be clingy. It might be something that you're able to recognize easily, or it might be something that you can't put your finger on it. There's a good chance that he is unaware of the reason as well.

If your boyfriend is clingy, there are a few things that you can try:

Put Yourself In His Shoes

Empathy is a very important part of a relationship. It allows you to see things from your boyfriend's perspective. This can help you to see if there is something more to the way that he's acting. It might help you see ways to help him or support him if he's going through a difficult time or struggling with low self-esteem.

Have A Conversation With Him

Don't make any rash decisions without taking the time to talk to your boyfriend first. He might be going through a difficult time that he doesn't want to tell you about. Some people are more likely to hide their emotional pain than others. If your boyfriend is hiding his emotions, then there may be something going on that he's not discussing with you.

If you take the time to talk to him and let him know how his actions are causing you to feel, it provides him with an opportunity to talk to you about what he's experiencing. This also gives him the chance to correct his actions if he didn't realize that he was coming across as needy and clingy.

When you talk to him, you're going to want to remember to be gentle and kind as you approach the conversation. If you say anything too harsh, it might just shut him down, and you won't progress in the relationship.

Set Your Boundaries

You must have healthy boundaries established in your relationship. You get to decide how you allow others to treat you and what you are willing to put up with from them. That includes your boyfriend. It's OK for you to address things like him not blowing up your phone while you're at work, tagging along on the time you spend with your friends, and other things that are unhealthy behavior and becoming too much for you to handle.

Clinginess Could Be A Sign of Something Deeper

Speak With A Board-Certified Relationship Therapist Online Today.

Learn more about setting healthy boundaries in your life and then put it into practice. When you do, you must be able to be direct about them and stick to them. If you establish boundaries and then let people break them, it means nothing. Remember, good fences make happy neighbors. Those boundaries help the relationship.

How To Know When It's Time To Break Up

There's a chance that your boyfriend's clinginess is going to be the cause of your relationship ending. While that doesn't have to be the case, there are some reasons why it could be.

One way that you know it's time to break up if your boyfriend's clinginess is just one part of emotional abuse. Sometimes jealousy can be the start of abuse. If this is the case, it probably won't matter if you talk to him; instead of taking responsibility, he will blame you for his behavior. Please do not make the mistake of taking the blame for him. If he's emotionally abusive, it's healthier for you to break up with him.

Another reason why it might be time for you to break up is if you find that the clinginess is just too much for you, and he's not willing to make changes. If you are noticing that the relationship has a negative impact on your life and mental health, you should end it then continues struggling in it. This can be a difficult decision to make.

How To Decide What To Do

It can be difficult to decide what to do when you have a clingy boyfriend. When you love someone, it can be easy to see that your relationship with them isn't healthy. If you're struggling with your relationship, it might be time to talk with a licensed therapist. They can help you process through the details of your relationship and decide how to move forward.

It could be that moving forward means breaking up. Or, it could mean doing couples counseling together to see how you can improve your relationship.

The most important thing is that you make a decision. Allowing your relationship to continue as it is will only cause you to grow more frustrated and resentful toward your boyfriend. The best way to give your relationship a fighting chance to be healthy is for you to address the situation head-on.

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”

“With Cassandra’s help, we’ve been able to bring our relationship to a new, healthier, and much happier level, working through painful situations, growing as individuals and as a couple, and with tools to stay on this path. She’s very responsive, and it has been great to have her facilitate our messaging through the app all week. I highly recommend Cassandra. She’s skilled, supportive, and down-to-earth. We feel totally comfortable with her.”

 

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a clingy person?

In the dictionary, clingy is described with words like "adhesive."

The definition of clingy in terms of people is someone who sticks close to you, doesn't give you room to breathe, and is hard to get away from. The word clingy, an adjective that can be used to describe many things. And it's a very visual word. Picture plastic wrap and how it plasters itself up against something you want to cover and put in the fridge. In fact, plastic wrap is better if it's clingier – the clingiest plastic wrap is, by definition, the best plastic wrap.

Now picture a person who clings to others with the same tenacity as plastic wrap clings to your bowl. They stick close to you wherever you go. They demand to be a part of whatever you are doing or at least watch you do it. Their constant presence seems inescapable. You have no personal space, and your friends joke that that person is attached to your hip. They're always with you whenever they can arrange it, and if they can't, they're calling or texting you constantly. These are just a few examples of clingy behavior.

However, unlike plastic wrap, when a person is super clingy, it's definitely not better. Having a super clingy person in your life can make you feel suffocated, frustrated, and resentful. Beyond that, it can spoil your plans, keep you from pursuing your own interests, damage your relationships with other people, and make your life all about one person.

Another clingy definition for a person relates to a clingy child. A clingy child is a little one who literally wraps themselves around their parent at every opportunity. If their parent tries to break free, the child cries, screams, throws a tantrum, or grasps their parents tight enough to cause physical pain. In this case, the clingy definition is not a pretty sight.

Here's another way to visualize the definition of clingy. Imagine you wanted to hike to the top of Clingmans Dome, the highest point in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. The climb to Clingmans Dome could be an adventure that ends in a beautiful panoramic view. But wait! You have a super clingy person in your life! Like a clingy child, this person overshadows your quest with a level of neediness that takes all the excitement out of your experience. You can't move freely because they're always trying to hold your hand or wrap their arm around your shoulder. You might like that at other times, but it just isn't helpful as you face the physical challenge of a tough climb to the top. And if you do reach Clingman Dome, you'll be too distracted by their clingy behavior to focus on the view. You're trying to enjoy a magnificent view of nature, and the clingy person is saying in every way they can, "No! Look at me!"

What is a clingy girlfriend?

The definition of clingy girlfriends is girlfriends who seem to need you constantly in an unhealthy way. Some examples of clingy behavior you might see from such a girlfriend include:

  • Calling you multiple times when one time would have been enough.
  • Texting you repeatedly whenever you aren't together.
  • Demanding constant physical contact even when you are trying to use your body in other ways to work on something important to you.
  • Tagging along wherever you go, even when you say you'd rather go alone.
  • Giving up all her previous interests to focus on yours.
  • Getting jealous any time you talk to someone else.
  • Joining groups, she really isn't interested in being with you.
  • Getting pouty when you suggest spending the day without her.

If your girlfriend is super clingy, she rarely gives you a chance to be without her. Even when you go somewhere on your own or with friends, she finds a way to insinuate herself into the situation. The clingy adjective describes the way she sticks to you and smothers you with her overwhelming neediness. In the dictionary, clingy is described as tenacious, and that's exactly what a clingy girlfriend is. She is committed to holding onto you as tightly as she can, both physically and emotionally. You try to break free for a moment of solitude, but she persists in grasping your attention all the time.

What is clingy in a relationship?

Being clingy in a relationship means showing excessive neediness in physical or emotional ways. Physically, this clingy definition might show up as constant handholding or touching in situations where such physical contact interferes with other activities. But even if the person doesn't actually touch you, they feel the need to be in the same room with you. Then, when there's no possible way for them to be with you, or when you finally put your foot down and demand they let you do something on your own, they make up for the lack of physical closeness by blowing up your phone or tagging you in a long string of social media posts. You can't escape their physical or virtual presence easily. And because you're in a relationship with them, you might feel guilty for wanting time alone. What's more, that clingy adjective might be hard to admit into your vocabulary if you want to believe you have a healthy relationship.

The good news here is that with therapy, you can learn to understand how the definition of clingy applies to your relationship. Together, you might be able to loosen the tenacious grip someone has on you or learn how to be less clingy yourself. Then, whether the relationship survives or not, you can live a freer, happier life.

What is a clingy boyfriend?

The definition of clingy boyfriends is boyfriends who always have to be close to you in an overly needy way. A clingy boyfriend gets anxious or upset if he can't be with you all the time. He wants to be in physical contact at all times, even when you are doing something that requires your attention elsewhere. If he's super clingy, your boyfriend wants to be included in everything you do. He might pass on things that were once more interesting to him if it means he can be with you while you do what you enjoy. And a clingy boyfriend hates it if you spend time with someone else, even if they're just a friend or relative. He wants to be considered in every decision you make, even if it has nothing to do with your relationship with him. Although it's healthy to be close to your boyfriend, both emotionally and physically, you also need time to be you as an individual and not part of a couple.

Is being clingy cute?

No, if you understand what clinginess is, being clingy really isn't cute at all. You might think to yourself that wanting someone's full attention shows your love for them, but in reality, it only shows that you feel a deep lack of something within yourself. That's not cute; it's sad. And for the person you're clinging to, it can be a drain, an irritation, or a burden. What's more, if you keep going from clingy to clingier, clingiest behavior eventually comes up, causing the relationship to end if you don't find a way to change.

Is clingy bad?

Although it doesn't help to beat yourself up about being clingy, there's really nothing positive about clingy behavior. Being super clingy doesn't help you achieve real intimacy with someone. In fact, if you get clingier, clingiest behaviors will thwart your relationship. As you try to get closer and closer, your neediness may repel the very person you want to be with. And aside from your relationship, being clingy prevents you from fully developing your own interests and achieving personal goals. If you see yourself when you look at the dictionary – clingy to the point of tenacious grasping – it can be devastating to think of yourself that way. However, by addressing your inner needs in therapy, you can heal from old traumas and resolve your issues to put your clinginess behind you.

How do I know if I'm clingy?

If you think you might be clingy, consider the definition of clingy. Do you behave as if you want to be stuck to someone like an adhesive? Are you constantly in touch with them, even when they've expressed to you that they need to have some time to do their own things? Are you tenacious about holding onto them physically or crowding their virtual space with your demands? Do you see examples of clingy behavior in yourself when you look back at your day?

In the end, you'll know if you're clingy when you evaluate your behavior honestly. If you don't ever let someone be on their own, can't accept that they don't always want your presence, or feel hurt when they show more interest in someone or something else, it might be time to do something about your clinginess. With help, you can discover and appreciate who you are as an individual, whether someone else is close to you or not.

Is being clingy a turn-off?

In most cases, being clingy is eventually a turnoff, even if it isn't right away. What might feel like positive attention at first gets old after a while. And anyone who has experienced the pitfalls of a clingy relationship before will want to avoid those problems now. The only people who really get turned on by clinginess in the long term have unhealthy needs of their own, such as wanting to control other people.

The best way to avoid turning people off with your clinginess is to address the underlying issues. You need to find out why you cling to others so tightly, change the way you think about relationships, and practice healthier behaviors. Then, others can appreciate you for who you are and enjoy being with you on healthier terms.

For Additional Help & Support With Your Concerns

Speak With A Licensed Therapist

This website is owned and operated by BetterHelp, who receives all fees associated with the platform.

11 Signs Your Partner Is Too Clingy & What To Do About It

The word “clingy” rarely conjures positive associations when it comes to relationships. When you think of a clingy person, you’re probably picturing someone suffocating their partner with constant affection, or someone who falls to pieces if they have to spend any meaningful time away from their other half. But, according to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, that less-than-flattering portrait might not be giving the partners we label clingy as much empathy as they deserve.

“My general approach on clinginess is usually that it's coming from a place of anxiety and fear rather than from a place of controlling,” Marin explains. “I think [the word] implies a certain judgment. People who are exhibiting clingy behaviors are really [acting out] of insecurity. They've probably had experiences in the past where people took advantage of them or broke their trust.” So we might label someone a clingy boyfriend or girlfriend if they can’t stop calling their significant other, but on the other end of that phone might be someone trying to deal with an extreme worry that perhaps something happened to their partner, or maybe they’re out cheating on them at that very moment.

Still, that isn’t a reason to excuse the behavior. A partner whose insecurities and fears result in a smothering relationship isn’t healthy for anyone, no matter how well you can empathize with their concerns. Here are some signs of clingy behavior that are worth paying attention to.

1. They Are Always Blowing Up Your Phone

If you find that you’re constantly getting a barrage of calls and texts, psychologist Nicole Martinez Psy.D., LCPC, has some insight on this oft-labeled clingy behavior.

According to Martinez, jealousy and clinginess often go hand-in-hand. Martinez said, “People who are jealous and insecure will tend to cling to their partner as a means of keeping a closer eye on them.” Part of that, Martinez added, is wanting to feel like they know what their partner is doing at all times. If it feels like your partner is constantly keeping tabs on you in this way, it may be a red flag.

If their behavior springs less from jealousy and more from fear and anxiety, Marin explains they may continue the calls and texts, and act hurt when you finally do get in touch. Regardless of the motivation, it’s an important behavior to address together.

2. They Feel Insecure Around Your Attractive Friends Or Co-Workers

Westend61/Westend61/Getty Images

Marin explains that seeing you hanging around with your super hot pals or even professional acquaintances might trigger insecurity in someone with clingy behaviors. Beyond the expected fears that infidelity may be a concern, that partner could get lost in a spiral of comparison.

According to Marin, it might make them ask themselves things like, “‘Oh my God, is that person more attractive than I am? More desirable than I am? Smarter than I am? More charming than I am?’” This kind of reaction further underscores the connection between clinginess and insecurity.

3. Clingy Partners Come On Too Strong With Social Media

Does your partner constantly post about you guys? Did they want to be ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook a little too soon? Have they been grilling you about a person standing in the background of a picture you posted four years ago? According to Marin, this might be a sign of clingy behavior. She also sees a lot of “checking in” on a partner on social, like wanting to keep tabs on who they’re following or who they’re leaving comments for. It can be a particularly tricky issue when it comes to random “hot person” accounts who aren’t mutual friends. It triggers that insecurity of, “Well, why are you following them?” Marin explains.

Some people don’t mind their partner double tapping hot pictures of butts all day on Instagram, and others get very insecure and maybe even clingy as a result because of it. The trick, Marin explains, is about understanding your limits as a couple. “I try to coach couples around defining the boundaries that feel good for them. So there might be some couples who say, ‘I don't care, it's on social media, nothing's happening in real life.’ But there might be other couples for who it feels like it's bordering on cheating,” she says. “So it's something that every couple is going to have to navigate for themselves. And it's definitely tricky when you're just dating and not really talking a ton about what kind of guidelines and rules you want to have for your relationship,” she adds.

4. They Hate When You Go Out Without Them

If your partner reacts negatively at the prospect of your hanging out with your friends without them, that’s a sign to pay attention to. According to Martinez, a clingy person will often spend much of the time spent away from their significant other worrying about what they’re doing. For you, a night out might seem like a chance to let off steam and catch up with friends — for them it could translate to a night home worrying on the couch. “A clingy partner would feel the desire to want to spend as much time together as possible, and would probably be asking you to schedule a lot of things, and maybe get hurt or upset if you make plans with other people,” Marin adds.

Martinez said it could go the opposite way as well. If they have plans without you, they might feel unable to enjoy that time away from you, and might spend most of it thinking about you, what you’re doing, and when you’ll be together again. For people that value alone time (something that is very important for anyone in a relationship), this can present a difficult situation.

5. Clingy Partners Tag Along Everywhere, Even Without An Invite

AleksandarGeorgiev/E+/Getty Images

This is one of those signs that on a surface level appears like just an inconvenience — picture a puppy following you from room to room — but is actually veering more toward sinister. Showing up uninvited, Marin explains, is a sign that the behavior might be more controlling than clingy.

“The clingy person would have the desire to just spend a lot of time together, but might not necessarily take the step of actually hunting you down,” she says, adding that dropping in unannounced could be a signal of a partner wanting to check up on you, survey who you’re spending time with, and make sure you’re on your “best” behavior. This type of behavior is a big red flag, Marin says, and could be indicative of coercive control.

6. They Don’t Seem To Have Their Own Friends Or Interests

Clingy partners may leave their friends, hobbies, and interests behind in favor of aligning themselves with yours. Martinez explains, “Clingy partners tend to make their S.O. their whole world.” So if they used to love badminton but quit in favor of joining your rec kick ball team, this may mean they don’t feel secure enough to have interests of their own — especially ones that don’t include you.

“There can be a such a desire for closeness that that person's willing to mold themselves to fit into the person that they think you would be most attracted to,” Marin adds. This often comes from a fear that they’re not good enough as they are, and a desire to become the perfect partner, she says.

7. They’re Holding Back Their Real Opinions

A clingy girlfriend or boyfriend will likely share opinions they think you’ll agree with. If you want to order pizza for dinner, then that’s what they’ve been craving all day. If you thought the best picture Oscar nominees were all overrated this year, then they agree, all those films were trash!

“They're trying to create closeness at the expense of their own needs and their identity,” Marin says. “So I think they would be pretty tuned into, ‘What is it that this person wants to see from me?’”. Marin adds that you’re unlikely to see a slow decline into this type of deference to a partner, and that it would probably be present from the start of the relationship.

8. You Need To Constantly Reassure Them Of Your Love

No matter how many times you say it, they want you to say it once more. In any relationship, all of us expect a certain amount of reassurance that our partner loves us, but clingy partners take this to the extreme. This might be due to their constant need to be reassured of the soundness of the relationship and to overcome that relationship insecurity.

“The sad thing is that often, no matter how much the partner gives, or allows, it will never be enough to make the [other] partner feel trusting and secure in the relationship,” Martinez says.

9. They’re Physically Clingy

Obvious as it may seem, it’s an important sign to address nonetheless. Clinginess can certainly manifest physically, be it a need to constantly hold hands or pack on PDA by way of kisses and touching when you’re out and about. “They want to always be touching you and have some sort of physical contact. They can be soothed by that level of contact,” Marin explains.

But, she adds, this is where things can get tricky, because people have different tolerances for levels of touch. “To one person it feels like, ‘Oh my God, my partner is so clingy.’ And to the other person, it feels like, ‘Wow, my partner just hates being touched!’”. So before writing someone off as clingy, it’s worth exploring if it may in fact be your personal sensitivity to touch that’s creating or adding to the tension.

10. They Try To Exert Control Over Your Plans

Your partner may want to be involved in your schedule-making, especially if you live together. Having a general idea of what you’re up to isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can quickly become unhealthy if your partner tries to take authority over what you do in your spare time. Licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Racine Henry tells Bustle, “If your partner feels that you need their pre-approval of anything you want to do, that’s a big sign of them being clingy.” While it’s fair for them to express a need for quality time with you or ask that you make an effort to balance your time better, it is definitely a red flag if they try to require that you get their “permission” before making plans without them.

11. They Manipulate You Using Emotions

Dr. Henry explains “If your partner withholds affection or will give you the silent treatment when you do things they don’t like, this can be a sign of them being clingy. While this is a form of gaslighting and a red flag for control issues, a clingy person will also try to make you feel like you control the emotional intimacy of the relationship.” When a clingy partner is also emotionally manipulative, you might end up feeling singularly responsible for any emotional distress happening in the relationship.

“If you want them to feel better, you’ll do what they desire, but if you ‘don’t care’ or ‘don’t want to be closer,’ then you’ll do things that hurt their feelings,” Dr. Henry says. “In a healthy relationship, there is a discussion about boundaries and triggers rather than blame and a lack of personal accountability.”

What To Do About A Partner Who’s Too Clingy

Wang Yukun/Moment/Getty Images

If many of these points are resonating with you but you still believe the relationship is worth salvaging, there are things you can do to improve the situation. Martinez offered her advice, noting that you first need to make it a point to set healthy boundaries with your significant other as soon as possible. According to Martinez, this means explaining to your partner the importance of spending an equal amount of time together and time apart. Martinez said if you work to make this balance the “norm,” you’re helping to set a good pattern for the relationship.

Martinez added, “If the partner continues to struggle with these issues, and they care about them, they may want to suggest individual therapy as a means of working on where these issues and needs are coming from. Another option is a few couples therapy sessions where they are able to set ‘ground rules’ and talk about where each of their needs come from. From here they can come to compromises.”

Marin adds that there may be some internal interrogation for you to work on, too. “There are definitely red flag behaviors that we want to look out for with partners and discuss with them before they get bigger and more serious,” she says. “And at the same time, I think these kinds of things are opportunities to check within ourselves and say, okay, is this a red flag about this person, or might there be something coming up for me around this?” It might be more about the dynamics between you two that are stirring something up, and not necessarily that one person is clingy and one person is distant, full stop. Figuring out your potential triggers and contributions to that dissonance can help push the conversation forward.

It’s important to remember that clinginess has many different root causes, and while certainly alarming, may not mean game over for your relationship. With open communication, empathy, and clear boundaries, you and your partner can develop a much healthier outlook — and give each other a little space.

Sources:

Vanessa Marin, sex therapist

Nicole Martinez, Psy.D., LCPC

Dr. Racine Henry, Ph.D, LMFT

This article was originally published on

10 Situations When He Really Needs You

A man can shrug his shoulders and say, "I'm fine, don't worry." But not always such behavior should be taken at face value - keep in mind that he also needs your support, even if he claims the opposite.

Kristina Gudikhina

Tags:

Support

Male difficulties

psychologist explains

Fotobank / Getty Images

When he loses his job. Or when he decided to quit his career at a big bank and become a comedian. One day he can come home and say: “That's it, I have a different life now!” Maybe the reason for this was a sudden dismissal, or childhood dreams of a stage came to mind. This behavior may be a reaction to stress or news that he did not expect at all. In any case, it is during such periods that he really needs the support of his beloved woman.

Do not self-medicate! In our articles, we collect the latest scientific data and the opinions of authoritative health experts. But remember: only a doctor can diagnose and prescribe treatment.

When he has to go to the dentist. You know that there is nothing terrible in the most ordinary examination. But if he was told that it was necessary to put a filling or, even worse, to remove a tooth, then you can keep all your reasonable arguments to yourself. "Wife, carry the will!" he thinks, shuddering at the thought of an emergency, most complicated (as it seems to him) operation. Yes, it is in such cases that he needs you! Maybe being with him all the time and holding his hand is already too much, but picking him up after a visit to the doctor is a simple matter, and he is pleased.

When he has the flu and "doesn't need anything". Yes, of course, there are people who really feel better when they are alone and get better much faster. It is possible that your man is one of these characters. But even if he wants everyone to leave him alone, throw chicken broth and a recording of his favorite movie under his door. It will be appreciated, you can be sure.

When he chooses a present for his mother. There is no need to deny obvious things: choosing a gift for a woman is not an easy task. And a gift for mom is an activated nightmare mode! Give him some advice to calm the guy down. What if he suddenly decides to choose something for his slender mother against cellulite and hair loss? He may sincerely believe that such "female things" are necessary for everyone, but we know that this is not so.

When he had a fight with his best friend. As a rule, men experience all their grievances and conflicts in the depths of their souls. Without outside help and interference. So if it seems to you that your boyfriend has somehow moved away from his friends, give him time to think, and then hint that it would be nice for him to unwind a little. Let him have fun with his friends! Or invite his friends with their girlfriends for dinner.

When he experiences the loss of a loved one. Even if it was someone not the closest and dearest, the death of one of the family members always affects the rest of the people and makes them plunge into their own thoughts. He can become short-tempered and intolerant, but it's all stress and you understand that very well. Be friendly and tactful with him during this period in order to maintain a relationship and help the guy get out of the abyss of feelings.

When he is not sure about his future. Probably every person experiences his own crises. Lately, he has worked hard and brilliantly fulfilled the instructions of the management, but the long-awaited promotion did not happen? Or did he dream of owning his own business for a long period, but the first attempt was unsuccessful? He may be afraid to start a difficult conversation about experiences, but if you are serious, then take the initiative in your own hands to find out everything and find a solution together.

When he is very tired. Of course, none of us will like it if our beloved comes home from work too late, but even in bed with a laptop we continue to write an important report and make appointments. But, probably, it is at this moment that he needs the support of his beloved woman more than ever. Just hug him and say: "I believe in you!"

When he has money problems. Most likely, you may not even realize that your boyfriend has money problems. The topic, you know, is sensitive, but he doesn’t want to look like a “rogue” in your eyes. Of course you don't think so! But for men, this is a very, very serious issue. But when you notice that your boyfriend, who loves to take you to the best cafes in the city, offers you to spend a romantic evening at home, it's better to go to meet him. In the end, financial difficulties arise for everyone, but for almost everyone they are successfully resolved in a short time.

When he buys a new suit. Not every guy needs advice when choosing clothes, but if he doesn't understand what tie goes with a black or white shirt, you can contribute to his appearance.

Vaccination against adultery or about male and female needs in marriage

Year of publication and journal number:

2006, No. 4

Author:

Yagnyuk K.V.

Preserving feelings of love, respect and trust in close relationships is an indispensable value for most of us. Alas, in many couples the realities and routine of married life, the divergence of ideas about marriage and the collapse of illusions about meeting one's own expectations and hopes makes the intimacy of marital relations very vulnerable. One of the pronounced symptoms of the disease of marriage is an extramarital affair, which very seriously poses the question to the couple: “Do love, respect and trust still exist in marriage?”

The American psychologist Willard Harley made efforts to sort out romances on the side and tried to answer the question of what could prevent such a sad outcome of married life. In his book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Unfaithful Marriage, he offers some answers. He found that marriages that fail to meet the basic needs of the spouses are very vulnerable to extramarital affairs. Mutual satisfaction of each other's needs by spouses is extremely important, since in marriages where this does not occur, there is a recourse to extramarital affairs to satisfy them. According to Willard Harley, if any one of the five basic needs of men and women is not recognized, the unsatisfied spouse is vulnerable to the temptation of a love affair on the side.

First, let's look at the five basic needs of wives.

  1. Location, affection, love . For most women, the location and love of a man symbolizes reliability, security, comfort and approval. When a husband shows his affection, he thereby sends the following messages to his wife: “I will take care of you and provide security”, “I am concerned about the problems that you face, I am with you”, “I think that you are doing a good job and I'm proud of you." Men need to understand how much women need such confirmation. Location, affection and love can be expressed in many ways: kissing, cards and flowers, an invitation to dine out, an afternoon walk, opening a car door, shaking a hand when leaving, phone calls, etc. There are hundreds of ways to say "I love you". From a woman's point of view, affection, affection and love are the cement in her relationship with a man.
  2. Conversation. Women need their husbands to talk to them and listen to them. They need much more than men usually imagine, in a two-way conversation. During courtship before marriage, most couples spend a lot of time together and talk a lot, thus demonstrating their interest and love to each other. When two people join themselves in marriage, they have a right to expect that attention and love during courtship will continue into marital relations. A man who takes enough time to talk to a woman finds his way to her heart.
  3. Honesty and openness . A woman needs to completely trust her husband. A sense of security is the thread that runs through all five of a woman's basic needs. If a husband does not communicate honestly and openly with his wife, he undermines her trust and gradually destroys her sense of security. To feel secure, a woman must trust that her husband has told her the truth about his past, present, and plans for the future. If a woman does not trust a man, then she has no reason to build a serious, deep relationship.
  4. Financial liabilities . The wife needs enough money to live comfortably: she needs material support. No matter how successful a woman's own career is, she usually wants her husband to earn enough money to allow her to feel his care.
  5. Family obligations . The wife wants her husband to be a good father and have obligations to the family. The vast majority of women, when they get married, have a strong desire to create a home and have children. First of all, wives want their husbands to take a leading role in the family, support them in their difficult mothering role and take responsibility for the moral and educational development of their children.

Now consider the five basic needs of husbands.

  1. Sexual satisfaction . Often women do not understand men's deep need for sex, just as men do not understand their wives' deep need for affection and love. However, these two components can work together in a satisfying, happy marriage. Sex life can be natural and frequent if there is enough affection and love.
  2. Leisure and entertainment partnership . The husband needs his wife to be a partner in his hobbies and activities, or at least accept them as something important to him. It is not uncommon for women, when they are single, to join men and share their interests. They find themselves playing football, going fishing, even hunting, and watching sports and movies they would never have chosen. After marriage, wives often try to interest their husbands in what they like best. If their attempts are unsuccessful, they may encourage their husbands to continue their pursuits without them, but this can be quite dangerous for a marriage, since, to their surprise, men attach great importance to their wives' ability to be partners in entertainment. Among the five basic needs, spending free time with wives in the way they would like is the second need after sex for the typical husband.
  3. Attractive wife . A man needs a wife who attracts him. In a love relationship, it is extremely difficult for most men to appreciate a wife only for her inner qualities. Men have a deep need for the physical attractiveness of their spouse.
  4. Home comfort . Husbands need peace and tranquility. So great is a man's need to provide a homely atmosphere that they often fantasize about how his wife and children will welcome him with joy and love at the door of the house and thereby invite him to join the comfort of a well-organized home. This fantasy continues with the wife's suggestion to sit down and relax before a delicious dinner. Then the family goes for an evening walk and, upon the return of the wife, puts the children to bed without fuss and difficulties. Then they relax with their wife, talk to each other, maybe watch some TV, and then go to the bedroom to love each other. Wives may laugh at such a scenario, but such representations are very common in the fantasy life of many men.
  5. Rapture . A man wants to be proud of himself. Wives need to learn how to express their admiration for their husbands instead of pressurizing them and demanding greater achievement. Honest admiration is a huge motivating factor for men. When a woman tells a man that he is wonderful, it inspires him to great achievements. In this way he finds himself able to deal with greater responsibility.

If the basic needs of partners are met in marriage, marital bonds become stronger, which is a reliable basis for love, respect and marital fidelity, that is, for a happy marriage.

If you really want to keep your love, or if you are ready to work together to overcome the causes of already existing tension in your marriage, one of the steps in this direction can be an honest conversation about your mutual expectations and needs. Take some time to read in front of each other about the needs of men and women in marriage, try to hear each other and change something in your perception and behavior.

Learn more