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90,000 husband and wife: what can not be hidden from each other, and what is needed - December 8, 2014
Life
December 8, 2014, 15:07
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2 commentswavebreak Media / Photobank Lorishare
Many of us have been burned by the fact that we incorrectly defined the measure of permissible frankness.
And to what extent can you be frank with your loved one? Psychologists have a special test for this: “Imagine that your whole life from the beginning to the present day was filmed. Are you ready to show this movie to your significant other?”
Family psychotherapist Marina Berkovskaya believes that everything depends on what is meant by frankness. Of course, it is not necessary to lie to your half and hide some facts that will come up sooner or later anyway. But it is still necessary to maintain some kind of personal space, closed even for the closest person. One thing is frankness, and another thing is undressing, turning inside out those secrets of the soul that are customary to show only to a doctor and a priest, she is convinced.
Two approaches to the problem
There are two opposite approaches to being honest with your spouse. One of them is to tell everything to a loved one under the motto: "there can be no secrets between us." The second approach is to share selectively.
In this case, it is not necessary to be completely naked, as this can be fraught with unpleasant consequences for the family.
Let me give you an example from the well-known American series Sex and the City. The heroine convinced her friends that there can be no secrets between loving people, that one must be honest and tell everything to each other. But soon an incident occurred in her life that made her look at it differently. She told the man she loved that she accidentally met “her ex” in a cafe and they had an intimate relationship. She said that it happened by accident, and asked his forgiveness. But the beloved could not forgive and parted with her, reproaching: “I would rather not know this ...” It turns out that the heroine rather sought to be proud of herself (I am so honest, honest) than to maintain a relationship with the person she sincerely loved. With her unnecessary frankness, she destroyed them ...
However, family relations experts argue in favor of both approaches.
For example, American psychologists G. Cloud and J. Townsend write in the book “How to Save Your Family Boat”: “The lie will inevitably be revealed anyway. Better tell the truth yourself. Don't let your fear of your partner's behavior turn you into a liar. Intimacy occurs only when we take the liberty of telling the truth, and leave the spouse the right to any reaction. Sometimes you just have to wait until the time is right for a frank, painful conversation, when the situation is appropriate, and the partner will be ready to listen to you. First of all, assure him of the kindest feelings for him: "I love you and I want everything to be fine with us."
However, Gestalt therapist Boris Novoderzhkin does not entirely agree with this. He believes that before being frank, one must first think about what this means for a partner. There is such a word: "load". This means telling the other person about those problems in the solution of which he obviously cannot help. This is such psychological terrorism.
Thus, you hang a certain feeling of guilt on your partner, pushing him into a situation of helplessness. The life of an adult is arranged in such a way that in order not to come into conflict with others, in order not to feel guilty, we do not say something. If you really don't want to share something, then don't hint or show it in any way. Then the partner will not notice this and will not ask you questions, Novoderzhkin is convinced.
According to Marina Berkovskaya, the partner's unwillingness to know something about the past of his partner is a kind of defensive reaction. A person is afraid to find out some facts from a partner's previous life: marriages, serious relationships, children. Marina Berkovskaya is alarmed by such an active denial of the past, repulsion: “I don’t want to know anything.” Especially when quite mature people meet and the man says: “There was nothing before, I’m your first and only one, they forgot everything else.”
Should you open cabinets with skeletons?
Again, let's remember the film on which our life is filmed.
Do we want to show it to our other half without cuts? Do we agree that a loved one sees all the skeletons stored in the far corner of the closet? Many in life have had mistakes, awkward moments, sins of youth... But the past is what it was before marriage. And now it's a different life. So is it worth it to stir up what is already gone?
Marina Berkovskaya believes that if in the family one of the relatives of one of the spouses had violations of the law (for example, a criminal record), then it is better to tell your loved one about it. These are the facts that can affect the life of the family. And if it comes up later, then suddenly it will be absolutely unacceptable for a partner? Then you will feel guilty all your life that you didn’t tell him right away.
There are also more complex cases, which Boris Novoderzhkin talks about. For example, a woman was once raped - is it necessary to hide this from her future husband, or is it necessary to tell him about it? Yes, we need to talk about it, he is convinced.
There are a lot of things that a person encounters in life that can seem like something completely wild if a partner finds out about it. Closets should be cleared of skeletons, the psychologist is convinced.
But Marina Berkovskaya believes that in such cases everything depends on how worried the rape victim is. If she internally worked it out, experienced it, and what happened no longer has an impact on her current life, then why stir it up? But if this event left consequences that affect her intimate life, and the partner does not understand what is happening, then she should tell him about it. Then the husband will breathe a sigh of relief: “Well, thank God, otherwise I thought it was because of me.” That is, the disclosure of this secret can put everything in its place and reassure the partner.
About physical problems
What should I do if one of the spouses has (or has had) serious health problems? For example, a wife cannot have children, or she has been diagnosed with a female disease and is going to have an operation - should she tell her husband about this or come up with another diagnosis? (It's no secret that some husbands are wary of women's health defects, and many doctors even advise you to avoid this topic, not to discuss it with your husband.
)
Boris Novoderzhkin believes that if you have health problems, it's okay to say so your partner and ask him for help. Another question is that it is not necessary to do this with something important in life. There are specific things that just need to be addressed. We must think, first of all, about what needs to be done in order to recover.
Money, income, property
Is it worth sharing all the information about your property, financial situation with your partner, talking about your deposits, real estate? This question may seem strange, given that the majority of the population has no savings, as the statistics assures. At the same time, we hear how sometimes in a divorce people are ready to leave each other without a penny. This is true for both husbands and wives. Maybe, given these circumstances, it is not worth laying out all the ins and outs about your property?
There is an opinion that if you have some serious property, then before informing your partner about it, you should consult a lawyer.
Someone will exclaim: what a horror, how can you not trust each other so much? But those who have experienced a conflict over the division of property will agree with such a step.
By the way, the wives of wealthy businessmen and oligarchs have long understood that you can only rely on yourself. Many of them save money in their own bank account, which the husband does not know about. To do this, they gradually tear off funds from personal expenses, from household expenses. They do this so that in the event of a divorce they will not be poor, without a roof over their heads, as often happened with their comrades.
The best insurance against such disputes is a marriage contract (it can be concluded on any day of the marital union).
The main thing is family relations
So how to resolve this age-old dispute? To answer this question, think about what is more important for you: to be proud that you are transparent, like a piece of glass, and your soul is wide open, or the desire to save a family? Maybe it's more important to take care of your loved one, not to load him with unnecessary information?
Psychologist Ivan Medvedev says that he has been observing different pictures for many years.
The first is when the husband knows everything about his wife's past, from the first kindergarten crush to the last romance before she met him, her betrothed. And the second - when a man knows about the presence of a previous life of his wife, but she protects him from details.
According to the psychologist, the second option is much healthier for maintaining family well-being. If, before marriage, a woman led an active personal life, and then began to share details with her husband, then her behavior leads to trouble. Therefore, if you need a strong family and you want your husband to consider you the best in the world, then you should not brag about your relationship experience, especially sexual ones, the psychologist is convinced.
The question is not what to say, but how, emphasizes Boris Novoderzhkin. And most importantly, why talk. Before you say anything, you need to think about why you are saying this to your partner and what effect it will have on him, he believes.
So, sincerity in relationships and laying out all the ins and outs are not the same thing. Before you say something, think about whether your loved one needs it or not. Let delicacy, tact and respect for personal boundaries be your assistants in this decision.
Inna Kriksunova, for Fontanka.ru for
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Man and woman: friendship or trap?
Psychologist's answers to the eternal question - is friendship between a man and a woman possible, and what to do if you want not friendship, but more.
She is pretty, easily makes new acquaintances, interesting as a person and successful. All the men she meets are happy to become her friends. But no more. Nothing personal, they discuss with her all the vicissitudes of their novels with other women.
There is a lot of talk about whether a man and a woman can be "just friends". Someone argues that there can be no such friendship at all, because their interests are too different. And others are sure that in such couples at least one of the partners is secretly or clearly in love with the other.
The second may respond to these claims in different ways. Prefers not to notice or sincerely does not notice? Perceives only as an “intellectual muse” or holds for “his boyfriend”, to whom you can say anything you want? And, of course, it is especially difficult to untie this tangle of unspoken expectations if it is the girl who is in love, and the guy diligently maintains only a friendly level of contacts.
If you're one of these girls, and this isn't the first time you've been in this "friend trap," it's most likely because you're making a wrong turn at the very beginning of a relationship and not trying to look sexy and feminine. As soon as you met, you wanted to prove to him what a good, loyal and trustworthy companion you can be ... And by doing so, you remind him too much of his sister.
Or: you were so desperately happy to meet him that you went too far with signs of attention. This immediately shows him that you are eager to be with him, regardless of his behavior, and that he does not need to do anything special to keep your interest.
Being trapped in friendship is rarely pleasant. You are stuck in the hope that one day everything will change. He likes to spend time with you, but for him you are just a friend with whom he can keep secrets, but not a romantic partner. But you know for sure that you would be a perfect match for him.
And worse, it keeps you from dating someone else because you're completely focused on them and don't want to miss your chance. Every time he's free again after another girl, you think it's a great opportunity for him to finally notice you. You hope one day he is aware of that you have been around all this time.
And this is not surprising. Isn't it true that you can immediately name a dozen Hollywood films with just such an ending? The guy and the girl have been friends for a very long time, but they sleep with someone else. And now, years later, one of them (usually a guy) suddenly comes to his senses and falls in love with this particular girl at some particularly dramatic moment - for example, when she gets on a plane to fly away from him forever. And then he realizes that it is with her that he would like to spend the rest of his life.
How to get out of the friendship trap
If you want to break free from the friendly embrace of the man of your dreams (and fall into his arms in a completely different status), you should not watch Hollywood movies.
You need to do something completely different. Here are some possible solutions.
Stop being his psychotherapist . Perhaps your friend likes to talk to you about girls and get friendly advice on how to behave with them. And you give him this advice - because such conversations prove how much he values you and how frank he is with you. But this is precisely what prevents him from perceiving you as an object of love. Just tell him that you are tired of such conversations and will not touch this topic anymore.
Don't be afraid to voice your disagreement . When we try to get someone's attention, we want to show how much we have in common. And we prefer to keep silent about our true opinions and tastes, if they differ from the point of view of a partner. However, if you only say “yes” to everything and always, you cease to exist for him as a person. Paradoxically, disagreement can create more attraction and make your bond stronger.
But - in moderation, of course ... If you suddenly turn from a timid and sweet Snow Maiden into an Amazon on a horse, sweeping away all life in its path, few people will like it.
Show him that you can be sexy . If you casually (in response to his stories about pretty girls) mention your personal life, guess how quickly his imagination will work in this direction. It turns out that you are also interesting to someone as a woman - wow !!! Of course, if you just stand in front of a man and say that you would like to go to bed with him, after he recovers from the shock, he will most likely feel intimidated. But if you say, “Oh, this jacket is so sexy!” or “How wonderful your deodorant smells! No girl could stand against him!", it will be much more elegant. Or if you secretly tell him about your “buttons” that trigger your erotic fantasies, he will know how to press them. You send him two messages at once: you tell him that he is very sexy in this new jacket, but also make it clear that it is not customary to talk about sex between the two of you.
Where do you think this will lead?
Be busy. You don't have to be ready every time he calls you. As one old song goes, "how can I miss you when you're always there"? Victims of the friendly trap are always tempted to drop everything and run to help. Because you're hoping that maybe this time around will be different. But - if you have your own life, not always connected with him, it lifts you in his (and in your own) eyes. Intrigue fuels his curiosity, and a full, interesting life makes you less obsessed with just this relationship.
Bring more physical contact into your relationship with him . Touching a person while walking or talking, taking their hand in support, or kissing them lightly on the cheek goodbye are all things that make physical contact a common thing. And what awakens your and his sexuality. If you are tactile enough with friends and colleagues, it will be easier to touch the man of your dreams.
