Angry with lover
What to Do About Anger in a Romantic Relationship – New Harbinger Publications, Inc
May 12, 2018 | SupaduDev | A Happier, Healthier You
By Tamsen Firestone, author of Daring to Love
We all know that feeling love and emotional harmony with your partner is wonderful; feeling angry is not! But anger in a romantic relationship is a natural part of life and is therefore inevitable, especially when two people share life closely. One of the biggest challenges a couple faces is how to deal with relationship anger—both their anger toward their partner and their partner’s anger toward them.
But first, what is anger? It’s an emotion that is largely misunderstood. For one thing, anger is not a negative emotion. Some people regard it as bad or immoral and feel that becoming angry makes them a bad person. Others believe that anger is the opposite of love and feel that expressions of anger have no place in a close personal relationship.
Still another common yet incorrect belief is that being angry with someone implies that you hate them. In truth, it is not bad or mean to be angry. Angry feelings are neither right nor wrong. In the wise words of the Dalai Lama, “Generally speaking, if a human being never shows anger, then I think something’s wrong. He’s not right in the brain.”
There are two fundamental guidelines for dealing with your anger:
- All of your angry feelings are acceptable and should be allowed free rein in your consciousness.
- The same freedom does not apply to your actions—you are accountable for your actions and bear full responsibility for all of your behavior and responses in relation to others.
These guidelines indicate two mantras to remember when dealing with relationship anger. First, fully feel your angry feelings. Don’t judge them or minimize them and don’t try to avoid them or push them down.
Feel them all the way. It is important not to skip over these feelings, because they will influence your behavior anyway.
Second, decide how you are going to act. How are you going to express your anger toward your partner? You want to communicate your feelings, you want to be heard, and you want to engage in a constructive dialogue. So, how do you do that?
- Communicate your anger matter-of-factly. Simply say what you are angry about in a strong manner, without acting punishing. If you verbalize your frustration in a harsh tone or express your wants as demands, you will most likely provoke an angry response that will escalate the situation.
- Be specific about the reasons you are angry. For example, describe your frustration, hurt, or disappointment. And avoid implying that your partner is responsible for your angry feelings.
- When you are so angry that you want to call your partner every hurtful name in the book, don’t. When you want to make your partner squirm, don’t.
When you want nothing more than to inflict pain and make your partner’s life pure hell, don’t. You can talk about these feelings without acting them out: “I want to hurt you. I want to humiliate you. I want to cause you pain! I want to say horrible, mean things about you! I want to punish you!” But do not act these feelings out.
It is natural to feel anger toward your partner when your partner gets angry at you. When someone gets angry at us, we all have the same knee-jerk reaction—we feel angry back. Our reaction is quick and irrational: “Don’t get angry at me! Shut your mouth! I don’t want to hear what you are saying!” Quite simply, anger begets anger. And, quite simply, this isn’t dramatic. Again, don’t skip over your initial anger. Otherwise, it will continue to smolder and have a damaging effect on your communication with your partner.
When you do not allow yourself to be provoked into being someone you do not like, you strengthen your personal power.
In relation to how you respond to your partner, be sure not to retaliate with anger. Resist using the underhanded tactic so popular with many couples—saying the exact thing that will get under your partner’s skin and set him or her off. On the occasions when your partner uses this tactic with you, you can resist taking the bait. Remain respectful of your partner. Try to set aside your anger so you can listen and understand what he or she is saying and feeling. Strive to remain who you want to be, regardless of how your partner is acting. When you do not allow yourself to be provoked into being someone you do not like, you strengthen your personal power.
See also: What Love in the Information Age Asks of Us
It is important to be accepting of anger and comfortable with it, both yours and your partner’s. Anger is a natural human emotion. In a close relationship, you need to be able to deal your and your partner’s anger so that it will not have a destructive impact on your relationship.
You need to be able to express your own anger, and hear and respond to your partner’s anger. Ultimately, your goal is to heal the rupture that anger is causing in your relationship and to reestablish emotional closeness and trust with your partner.
Tamsen Firestone is founder and editor-in-chief of www.psychalive.org, an online mental health resource visited by millions of people each year. She has also been principal editor for many of the books written by her husband, author and clinical psychologist Robert W. Firestone. She is a coauthor of Daring to Love.
When You Are Angry With Someone You Love
When we get angry at our loved ones, we release a bunch of chemicals in our brains and bodies. Our hearts race and we psychologically enter an altered state. If you let yourself get to this place, your ability to see things clearly is greatly limited and all that you are able to do is feel your tension.
Losing it and going off on your partner is about as effective as yelling at a tree.
You may release some of your rage and it may momentarily feel good, but it's really just wasted effort. In fact, you'd cause less damage to your partner, yourself, and your relationship if you actually did yell at a tree.
If you do get this angry, in order to once again think clearly, you must take some time to calm down. This can take a person anywhere from 20 minutes to 24 hours. Once you have a clear perspective on things you can (and must) return to the issue that caused the problem in the first place.
By the way, it will help you more if you do something proactive to calm yourself down like exercising, reading, watching television or even taking a nap. Any activity that is somewhat mindless will help put you into the alpha brain wave state where your body and mind can relax.
One of the most destructive ways to show anger is to use bullying. Threatening or physically intimidating someone you say you love is unfair and unwarranted. It is also abusive. Relationships in which where this type of behavior is regular are in need of therapy, and the sooner the better because violence may only be one argument away.
Displaying your anger does not necessarily mean screaming at your partner. Many people process anger covertly by giving his or her partner the silent treatment or emotionally disappearing when needed. This type of non-communication is going to cause uncomfortable repercussions because both of these behaviors are hurtful.
When someone who loves you feels ignored or thinks that he or she doesn't matter to you, it really stings. This type of passive-aggressive behavior damages other people at a core level and is completely inappropriate in a loving relationship. You'd heal the problem much quicker if you just talked about what was bothering you instead of holding it in and surreptitiously trying to make your partner feel bad.
Another primary dysfunction that leads to break-ups is scorekeeping. When couples try to get even with one another it only leads to animosity. One person says something that offends the other and the vicious cycle begins.
The best thing to do is to eliminate the need to get even with your partner.
Remember that revenge and love can't live in the same house. If your mate says something that strikes you as harsh, say to them, "Honey, that hurt my feelings. Please don't say things like that anymore."
If you are unable to control your anger, I strongly recommend that you get some help or at the very least read a book on anger management. Understanding the damage that anger can cause and learning to appropriately deal with it will replace days of discomfort with years of enjoyment.
The lover is angry that I DO NOT WAVING him, what should I do if I fail? - Discuss
The lover is angry that I DO NOT WAN him, what should I do if I fail? — DiscussSha
Shaitanka
The lover is angry that I DO NOT WAVING him, what should I do if I fail? lover
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Answers
Pavel Mikhailenko
Can't swing? Then you need to learn how to do it!))
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Alexander Belyakov
You have to give yourself completely And if something doesn’t work out, you have to study
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nine0002 Evpatiy There is a folk remedy: put a shovel under the ass.
....
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Pilgrim Pilgrim
you just lie there and don't move your hips towards him?
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Galina Direnko
1
EI
Evgeny Ivanov
The bed is probably too soft. Try on the floor.
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Slava Mikulich
Studying and training. Unless, of course, a good lover.
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Sergey Pobedash
If you don't know how, we'll teach you, if you don't want to, we'll force you.
Something like this.
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Ivan
Eeeep that aunt .... have gone completely crazy deprived
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Stanislav Novak
Talk to him about it! But I can teach!
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Smitty Smith
let him draw a figure eight or turn on a lambada
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nine0002 Sergey StreltsovTrain and train again
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Sergey Ostrovsky
Learn, it will work out.
He will be pleased.
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Yuri Kotlyarov
Change mercantile lover!
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Love..love! Z
Sit on him, let him wave...
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Anonymous Anonymous
... bad lover, "missed" you
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Alexey Zorin
So tell him you can't do that. )))))
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Oleg **
Get up doggystyle.
.It will be easier this way
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Vladimir Gordienko
Change lover. - Get it!
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Vitaly Romanov
Constantly work on yourself.
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Shynarkul Kalybayeva
Place a fan nearby.
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Fifth eclogue - Sumarokov. The full text of the poem is the Fifth Eclogue
BERNARD FONTENEL Heralds of dawn, the birds were still silent,
Peace in the fields, not to know the burning chariot,
When Erast gets up and thinks, if he gets up,
That the sun already gives Thetis meadows.
Runs to open the window and looks at the sky,
But it does not acquire luminous beauty in it,
Not the pale lordship of the shining moon.
The mother of love barely emerges from the depths.
Erast became embittered, greenness in vain in the darkness,
And angry at night and daytime laziness.
As the flocks leave the meadows at dusk,
Iris, seeing her sheep home,
In the middle of the grove, something was promised to be spoken to him,
And for that, that night seemed long to him.
That's why his sleepless gaze is opened,
Until the beam illuminates the days of the high mountains.
Went out of the hut. Titira proclaims.
Erastov Titir saves cattle
From the time he began to sigh:
If he had grazed the cattle himself, his cattle would have been lost.
"You are still sleeping, you are sleeping," he broadcasts with annoyance, "
You are sleeping, and the beautiful day is already coming.
Go and chase the cattle there!”
He imagined, chasing him, to drive the night, wishing for days,
And the day is still far away and he himself imagines to be,
There is still darkness everywhere, but the shepherd cannot sleep,
The long run of the sun, when the day comes out of the waters,
Until evening he sets himself in a whole year
And tako measures the solar current with his eyes.
nine0238 Above these, its ray is born by the mountains,
Slowly marches both into the sky and from heaven
And then descends beyond the distant forest there.
What a longitude! When that is expected!
He measures this path, and when measuring, it only breaks.
His night shadow hides from his eyes,
Silence departs, the longed-for day has come.
But the anxiety that Erast worried himself with,
He multiplied the desired day a hundredfold more.
By his impatient desires
The thought of these minutes of this day has been bored by everything,
And, in order to somehow quench his ardor,
I wanted to remove my dear from the thought.
Now in the herd, now in the garden, what to do.
Sometimes sheared sheep, sometimes cleaned trees.
All in vain; in the memory of Iris incessantly,
All that evening in the mind and happiness is promised.
There is no help in anything, he gives power to the heart,
Leaving the cattle and the garden, he takes his flute,
Which its heat constantly proclaims.
He sings of the beauty of his beloved,
A lover's negligence in love!
He multiplies only by burning in the blood.
The day is long: his worries cannot be counted,
What to do? What else could he think then?
Only the sun began to descend behind the forests
And the skies began to change color,
Erast hurries to the forest, hurries to the middle of the grove,
I think that Iris will come there before night.
Fearful; the shepherd’s thought stirs up a new thought:
“Well, if,” he thinks, “Irisa lies to me!”
She comes too. It's not too late,
All his fear has passed, time has passed ominously.
She came and still makes a porch in front of him,
Her suddenness of the advent shows her gaze. nine0238 With her, many loves gathered in that place:
The news spread to them all over the countries,
That there would be a gathering of a shepherdess in that grove.
Some, moved by pleasantness, beauty,
Hiding between bushes and woven trees
Hear the speech of lovers, only hot inflamed.
