Am i being verbally abused by my parents

How to tell if you have emotionally abusive parents: 15 signs

Do you feel like you are struggling with your relationship with your parents?

Does it feel like a toxic encounter and draining every time you interact?

It is very possible to have emotionally abusive parents? But how can you tell if your parents have mentally abused you?

It’s difficult to identify emotionally abusive parents. But at its core, emotional and psychological abuse diminishes a child’s sense of self-worth or identity.

Because we naturally look to our parents for love and support, it can be hard to look deeper into this reality.

So I’ve put together the key signs to understand if your parents push past your boundaries of comfort and wellbeing, and are indeed bordering the line of being emotionally abusive. Let’s jump right in.

15 signs you have emotionally abusive parents

We’ll go through the classic signs that you have emotionally abusive parents. Then we’ll explain what you can do about it.

1) Your parents are narcissists

A classic sign that your parents are emotionally abusive, is that they exhibit narcissistic characteristics.

They will go out of their way to emotionally manipulate you. They love exercising control over their children.

It’s either to make themselves look good, or they feel loving their children is a waste of time.

This can be displayed either of two ways:

Passive-aggressiveness, withdrawal, neglect, threats;

The need for control, over-protectiveness, extremely high expectations.

Both types of emotional manipulation leave the child confused. It also causes anxiety because they don’t know what their parent is going to do next.

2) They have a pattern of verbal abuse

If your parents verbally abuse you, this is a clear sign they are also impacting your emotional wellbeing.

Parenting is a hard and oftentimes frustrating thing. That’s why you can’t really blame parents for occasionally being hard on their children.

However, one sure way to recognize emotional abuse is if it has become a pattern. Specifically, a pattern of verbal abuse.

According to Dean Tong, an expert on child abuse allegations:

“The easiest way to detect if a parent is emotionally abusing a child is listening to their chastisement of him/her and hearing words that are tantamount to denigration, and vilification of the child’s other parent in front of said child.

“It’s a form of brainwashing and poisoning of the child convincing the child the other parent is the bad guy.”

3) They experience mood swings

Everyone has mood swings. Emotionally abusive parents tend to take these moods out on their children.

And in a family dynamic, massive mood swings can determinately affect a child psychologically.

Domestic abuse expert Christi Garner of Psychotherapist Online, says:

“If a parent’s mood swings made you feel like you were always walking on eggshells and you were always nervous or scared of what would happen when they were around (even if nothing ‘bad’ ever happened), that’s emotionally abusive behavior. ”

Severe mood swings tend to leave a child in an anxious state of not knowing what’s going to happen next.

4) They withhold compliments

Do your parents ever offer you compliments? If not, this can be a sign of emotional abuse.

What child has never wanted to please their parent? And what parent doesn’t like to brag about their children?

Well, emotionally abusive parents don’t like giving their children credit, especially when they deserve it.

In fact, they choose to be critical instead.

Garner explains:

“Determine if your parent was always talking negatively with you, repeatedly stating negative comments about the way you dressed, how you looked, your abilities to accomplish anything, your intelligence, or who you were as a person.”

If you’ve felt like you were never enough for your parents growing up, you might have been emotionally abused.

5) Withholding basic needs

If a parent withholds providing basic needs for their child, they are exhibiting abusive behavior.

Perhaps the worst of crimes, emotionally abusive parents may also have a tendency of depriving their children of their basic needs.

It is a parent’s job to provide food and shelter to their children. But some emotionally abusive parents don’t take up this responsibility.

For whatever reason, they just don’t feel the need to give their children even the most basic of necessities.

6) Enmeshment or parentification

If a parent is way too involved in their child’s life, or overly providing, this can be a sign of emotional abuse.

Sometimes, parents can give too much—too much love, too much affection, too much material needs.

This kind of emotional abuse is extremely hard to detect. But one thing is certain, it creates a family dynamic where boundaries are almost non-existent.

According to psychologist Dr. Margaret Rutherford:

“There’s too much sharing or too much neediness. Children get the message that it’s not okay to be themselves—they need to stay highly involved with their parents. It can appear from the outside that everybody is very happy, but on the inside, there’s an expectation of loyalty that doesn’t celebrate individual achievement or identity, but demands control.”

7) They always expect you to put them first

If a parent puts their needs before their child’s they are fundamentally neglecting their child.

This point takes some careful consideration. You have to be clear about what you expect from your parents and how they actually are.

Rudá Iandê, the world-renowned shaman, argues that one of the most important tasks is to understand the expectations of your parents so you can choose your own path.

We can’t just detach from our parents to find our way. But we can distinguish between reasonable and unreasonable demands from our parents.

Often, emotionally abusive parents display their selfishness by forcing you to meet their expectations and needs before your own. They focus more on having their needs satisfied.

Rudá Iandê shared his story of being a father in his free video on turning frustrations in life into personal power.

He explained that he arrived at a point in his relationship with his son where he had to let him go his own way:

“There was a moment when I understood that being tough was the best I could do to my son, and trust him to follow his own path and assume his own responsibilities, instead of me supporting his weaknesses.”

So what can you do to improve your relationship with your parents?

Begin with yourself. Stop searching for external fixes to sort out your life, deep down, you know this isn’t working.

And that’s because until you look within and unleash your personal power, you’ll never find the satisfaction and fulfillment you’re searching for.

In his excellent free video, Rudá explains effective methods for forging a strong connection of real love with your children.

So if you want to build a better relationship with your parents and yourself, unlock your endless potential, and put passion at the heart of everything you do, start now by checking out his genuine advice.

Here’s a link to the free video again.

8) They invalidate your emotions

When parents fail to recognize and validate your emotions, they are neglecting your emotional needs.

Emotional abuse is a one-way street. Abusive parents control or exercise power over their child’s emotions, but it ends there.

Have you felt like your parents always disregarded your feelings?

As if you have no right to be hurt or offended?

Did they always call you names like “crybaby” or a “weakling?”

That’s definitely a pattern of emotional abuse.

Good parents ensure their children have a healthy view of emotions.

Psychologist Carrie Disney explains:

“In a good enough upbringing, we learn that feelings can be managed, they may sometimes be scary but they can be thought through.”

Having your emotions undercut is a painful feeling. It can cause you to enter into a cycle of self-doubt and mental confusion.

9) They deliberately isolate you

If your parents kept you away from your friends, neighbors, and family, they certainly impacted your emotional health.

Deliberately isolating you from everyone and everything is another form of emotional manipulation. It’s another way to control you.

Abusive parents will restrict their child’s social activities on the pretense of “knowing what’s good for the child.”

This can mean choosing who the child can be friends with or isolating the child from other family members.

10) They’re just simply terrifying

If you found your parents to be psychologically terrifying and were afraid to approach them, then you may have experienced emotional abuse growing up.

Your parents may not have hurt you physically, but they always terrified you enough to think that they could, if they wanted to.

Threatening to hurt, screaming, or physical intimidation are also emotionally abusive behaviors.

If they were approachable and instilled a sense of fear in you, they were not helping you to feel safe and secure around them. This type of behavior is classic abuse.

11) They tease you all the time

If your parents teased and made fun of you growing up, they were negatively impacting your emotional health.

Yes, humor is a necessity in a healthy family environment. But never mistake excessive teasing for humor or loving behavior.

You may be being emotionally abused if you’re being teased all the time.

But here’s the key point:

If you’re worried about being teased, you need to become a much stronger person. The best way to do this is by getting angry about being teased.

Check out the short video below about dealing with your anger:

If you are tired of feeling frustrated and angry, it’s time to learn how to embrace your inner beast.

In this free video, you’ll learn how to take hold of your anger and turn it into personal power.

Learn more about embracing your inner beast here.

According to psychotherapist Mayra Mendez: “Individuals exposed to repeated experiences of mockery, humiliation, and demoralizing interactions learn to interact with others in the same way.”

Don’t let the cycle of emotional abuse continue in how you treat others. Take a stand and create a different life for yourself.

12) Neglect

It might not seem like outright emotional abuse, but neglect is also a classic sign of abusive parenting.

The effects of attention deprivation have immense negative impacts.

As a child, you may have felt as if you never mattered. And asking for more attention only resulted in even more neglect.

Mental Health Professional Holly Brown adds:

“This is when you express a need or a viewpoint that’s not endorsed by your parents and you feel discarded as a result. They let you know, through exclusion, that it’s not OK. This can cause you to feel that you are not OK.”

13) Constant comparison to others

Have you always been compared to your other siblings or family members, even other children? This can be a clear sign of emotional abuse.

Comparing you to others and making you feel as if you never quite measured up is not healthy parenting.

Some parents may think that it makes a child more competitive, but the effects are just the opposite.

Brown adds:

“Instead of your parent highlighting your strengths, your weaknesses were brought to the forefront in relation to the supposed virtues of your siblings.

“This is not only painful in terms of self-esteem, but it can also hinder the relationship you could have had with your siblings because it turns it into a rivalry.”

14) Invasion of privacy

If your parents went through your things, phone, or personal writing, they were impacting your emotional wellbeing.

Parents occasionally tend to snoop around their kid’s things or restrict them from locking their doors. But it’s also important to allow children to have their own privacy.

According to licensed marriage and family therapist Lisa Bahar:

“A parent may ‘snoop’ at computers or cell phones or check journals or calendars to find information of the child being ‘sneaky’ or ‘suspicious. '”

“The parent will accuse a child of being sneaky, projecting on the child their own behavior.”

Invasion of privacy is a seriously painful thing to experience. If done constantly, it certainly counts as emotional abuse.

15) Anxious state

Any parent is bound to experience anxiety from time to time. Parenting is a huge and intimidating responsibility. But constantly being in a nervous and fearful state can wreak havoc on a child’s mental health.

If your parents were always in an anxious state with you, it counts as emotional abuse.

Garner explains:

“If the parent was not able to control their anxiety and leaned on their child to take care of them, they take up space that the child uses for creative play and connection.

“The heightened level of anxiety can also lead to increased levels of cortisol in the child, which has been shown to cause health-related problems later in life.”

After all, it’s a parent’s main responsibility to provide emotional security for their child as well.

How to break free from toxic family relationships

Do your parents help you to grow and evolve in life? Or do they want you to be a sheep, subservient to their wishes and desires?

I know the pain of having negative and abusive relationships.

However, if there are people trying to manipulate you — even if they don’t intend to — it’s essential to learn how to stand up for yourself.

Because you do have a choice to end this cycle of pain and misery.

When it comes to relationships with family and toxic patterns, you might be surprised to hear that there’s one very important connection you’ve probably been overlooking:

The relationship you have with yourself.

I learned about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his incredible video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.

And once you start doing that, there’s no telling how much happiness and fulfillment you can find within yourself and in your relationships with your family.

He uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but he’s experienced the same problems in love and family relationships as you and I have.

His conclusion?

Healing and real change needs to start within. Only then can we improve the relationships we have with others, and avoid passing down the abuse we’ve experienced in the past.

So if you’re tired of your relationships never working out, of feeling undervalued, unappreciated, or unloved by your parents, make the change today and cultivate the love and respect you know you deserve.

Click here to watch the free video.

The impact of an emotionally abusive parent

Emotional and psychological abuse can have a lasting effect on children.

The American Psychological Associate reports that:

“Children who are emotionally abused and neglected face similar and sometimes worse mental health problems as children who are physically or sexually abused, yet psychological abuse is rarely addressed in prevention programs or in treating victims. ”

So what exactly are the impacts of emotional abuse from parents? Read below.

1) Adult anxiety

Uncertain environments like this cause stress and anxiety in children, which tend to stay with them well into adulthood.

Garner says:

“If your parent was overly anxious and always asking for you to help them or take care of them or their needs, the child inherits a piece of that anxiety.

“This higher level of stress while growing up causes changes in the body and brain, and can have long-term effects on health.”

2) Co-dependency

Dr. Mai Stafford, of the Medical Research Council at UCL, says that while good parenting can give you a sense of security, bad parenting can result in being too dependent:

She explains:

“Parents also give us a stable base from which to explore the world while warmth and responsiveness have been shown to promote social and emotional development.

“By contrast, psychological control can limit a child’s independence and leave them less able to regulate their own behavior. ”

3) Introversion

Being restricted since childhood can lead to introversion as you grow older. A lack of social experience can lead someone to be scared of social interactions.

As such, children of emotionally abusive children tend to prefer being by themselves. They have few friends if any. And they have trouble forming new relationships.

4) Inability to develop healthy and loving relationships

Our formative years are important because they shape the social and emotional skills we require in adulthood.

For victims of emotional abuse, a lack of a loving influence, especially a parent, makes a distorted sense of love.

According to parenthood counselor Elly Taylore:

“From a counseling perspective, the way emotional abuse would show up between couples was when one partner would seek comfort from the other, but not be able to trust it, so instead of the comfort being soothing when they got it, it would actually increase the person’s anxiety and they would then push the partner away… and then seek comfort again.

“This is the adult version of the parent/child dynamic that occurs when as a child, a caregiver is also a scary person.”

5) Attention-seeking behavior

Being ignored throughout your whole childhood can lead you to become an attention-seeker. This is a result of emotional deprivation.

According to research from the University of Toronto:

“Emotions are often expressed as physical symptoms in order to justify suffering or to seek attention.”

“Emotional deprivation is the deprivation suffered by children when their parents fail to provide the normal experiences that would produce feelings of being loved, wanted, secure, and worthy.”

Breaking the cycle of emotional abuse

Because psychological abuse typically centers on discrediting, isolating, and/or silencing the victim, many victims end up feeling trapped in a vicious cycle.

Generally, that cycle looks like this:

The victim feels too wounded to pursue the relationship any longer while being too afraid to do anything about it, so the abuser continues or worsens the abuse until something breaks.

Unfortunately, that’s usually the child’s heart.

They say, “Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you,” and that’s totally wrong.

Words do hurt, and their weight can leave a lasting imprint on our psyche.

Whether short-term or otherwise, the damage caused by parental emotional abuse is something most never fully recover from.

It’s natural to hope you’re wrong and to try to see your parents as flawless people.

After all, they made you so they can’t be all that bad, right? True, but living in denial can wreak havoc on your life and relationships in the future. Adults who are abused or neglected by their parents as children feel just as heartbroken.

A lot of people assume that abused kids will grow up to be abusive adults but that’s not always the case, especially when treatment is sought in time.

However, children who experience emotional mistreatment from their parents usually end up in toxic relationships or situations as grownups. The cycle seldom ends well, and for some, it can even lead to major health problems such as:

Obesity
Substance abuse
Heart disease
Migraines
Mental health issues

In rare cases, psychological abuse can also lead to post-traumatic stress disorder. The condition is curable with therapy but it’s so severe that it interferes with your day-to-day life and has its own unique side effects, including but not limited to the following:

Outbursts
Rage
Contempt
Jumpiness
Negativity
Clinginess or isolation
Flashbacks

If you or someone you love is suffering from the short-term or long-term side effects of prolonged emotional abuse, seek professional help as soon as possible to prevent further psychological damage.

You should never feel ashamed of seeking therapy.

Had your parents sought help for themselves, we’d be talking about something else right now.

Dealing with denial

Knowing what emotional abuse really means and being able to see the signs is a great way to stop the cycle, but it’s impossible to get to that point when you’re in denial about your parent(s).

I get it; nobody wants to think of their mom or dad as an abusive monster.

It’s perfectly normal to see only the good in those you love. However, long-term denial of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse can lead to some awfully bad things, including but not always limited to:

Co-dependency

Psychological control significantly limits a person’s ability to recognize, evaluate, or regulate their own emotions.

Introversion

The lack of appropriate social interaction can lead to unnatural fears and problems with making friends and/or maintaining relationships.

Intimacy problems

Victims of emotional abuse have a hard time believing in or accepting genuine affection because of their distorted view of what love is (and isn’t).

Attention-seeking behavior

Being ignored by a caretaker can lead to emotional debt which causes more intense expressions of self in order to get needed validation.

Denial can be an ugly thing. It will have you getting abused for years without even batting an eye. It will make you move mountains in an effort to be good enough but you will never get to the top.

But permissiveness of bad habits is the quickest way to make things worse. Whether dealing with denial of parental abuse or marital problems, it’s important to confront the problem head-on before they get out of control.

Common reasons parents emotionally abuse their children

Abuse of any kind is never okay. But sometimes, understanding why our parents act the way they do helps us heal. I know that when I started seeing my mother and father as flawed people, I was able to forgive them for some of their mistakes. Basically, it came down to poor parenting skills and both of my folks had that problem.

In 2018, it was reported that more than 55,000 American children were victims of emotional cruelty. The reasons for the abuse vary about as widely as the severity of each case, but here are the most common factors that contribute:

Parental depression
Mental illness
Aging
Substance abuse
Relationship drama
Absent co-parent
Domestic violence
Disability
Poverty
No support
Inadequate legislation
Poor childcare options

Emotionally abusive parents may have their own reasons for being cruel but that doesn’t justify their terrifying behavior. Nobody should ever experience that type of trauma because it leaves scars that nobody can see.

The truth is: your folks won’t change unless they’re ready to and you can’t heal until you’ve processed the pain.

As Laura Endicott Thomas, author of Don’t Feed the Narcissists, says:

“A lot of parents abuse their children physically and emotionally because they have poor parenting skills. They do not know how to get children to behave, and they resort to aggression out of frustration.”

Step towards healing

Emotional abuse is something anyone should never experience, especially from a parent. Parents are supposed to love you and care for you.

Emotional abuse coming from such an important person in our lives will never be right and can never be justified.

The truth is, if they want to change, they will seek help. No one can convince them otherwise. And there is nothing you can do to change them if they don’t want to take the steps themselves.

If you are a victim of emotionally abusive parents, it’s important to take a step towards healing.

That’s why I always recommend the Love and Intimacy video by Rudá Iandê. For healing to begin, believe it or not, you need to start with yourself first.

This way, no matter whether you get closure from your parents or not, you’ll have the inner strength and self-love to overcome your painful childhood.

You can never change the past and it will always stay with you. But you can choose to do better for yourself, build a better life, and forge loving relationships.

Click here to watch the free video.

Remember: your parents do not define you. You have the complete power to create a good life for yourself.

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Am I Being Emotionally Abused by My Parents? 6 Signs and Getting Help

Emotional abuse can manifest in many ways including intimidation and comparing you to others.
Other types of emotional abuse, like neglect, may happen if the parent has a mental health condition.
Parental emotional abuse can cause long-lasting damage to a child's mental and physical health.

Emotional abuse is the most common form of child mistreatment. About 36% of the adult population reports experiencing emotional abuse during childhood, typically from parents or caregivers.

Emotional abuse describes a pattern of behavior that damages your self-worth or sense of emotional safety, including constant criticism, threats, rejection, name-calling, or withholding of love and support.

However, there's a big difference between having a normal argument with a parent and emotional abuse, says Lauren Kerwin, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice.

In a healthy argument, your parent can disagree with you while still allowing you to feel heard and respected. The situation can become abusive if your parent invalidates or discounts your feelings.

"When a parent is chronically emotionally invalidating — by shaming, criticizing, insulting, or mocking their child — the child feels constantly judged and inadequate and ends up developing a whole host of negative beliefs about themselves," adds Kerwin. "Their shame can easily turn into borderline personality disorder (BPD), substance abuse, suicidal ideation, and other worrisome mental health issues."

Note: Most perpetrators of emotional abuse are parents: about 53.7% are women, and 45.3% are men. Boys and girls experience similar rates of childhood abuse. Kerwin notes that emotional abuse tends to happen more in households where at least one parent has a mental health disorder or substance abuse issues.

Remember: Emotional abuse doesn't only happen during childhood. People can experience it at any age and in the context of any kind of relationship, including with romantic partners. Regardless, the important thing to emphasize is that it's not your fault, and you don't deserve to be treated this way.

Below, experts share some signs of parental emotional abuse to look out for, plus some guidance on how to cope.

1. They always come first

It's important for parents to take care of themselves — after all, they can only properly care for their children if their own physical, mental, and emotional needs are met.

Still, when a parent constantly prioritizes their needs above a child's, that can manifest into abuse over time, especially when the child is too young to have the resources to take care of themselves, says Tara Krueger, PsyD, national director of Family Therapy Services, Newport Healthcare.

Some examples of this parental behavior include:

Frequently leaving young children at home without a caretaker in order to go on dates.
Guilt-tripping a child or teen into staying home with them instead of seeing friends because they're lonely.

Ideally, a parent would make sure they have a babysitter in place before scheduling social plans or find another healthy way to deal with their loneliness like calling a friend rather than relying solely on their child for emotional support.

People who have children at a young age may not be emotionally equipped for parenting and therefore may be more prone to emotionally abusing them. However, it could also be a sign of a personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder, says Krueger.

Kerwin also notes that a parent with autism can have trouble perceiving their child's needs and putting them first, and not even realize they're neglecting them in some way.

2. They isolate you

Isolation is a form of emotional abuse often used to gain control by severing ties to other friends, family members, and loved ones, according to Krueger.

"By cutting children off from others, it could prevent them from developing social skills and from reaching out for help," she says.

According to Kerwin, some common signs your parent is trying to isolate you are:

They actively try to discourage you from having relationships with other family members.
They constantly come up with excuses as for why you can't see friends.
They take direct actions to restrict your communication with other people.
They arbitrarily and frequently lock you in your room for unpredictable amounts of time.

Kerwin notes that abusive isolation is different from, say, grounding a teenager for a week as a consequence for engaging in harmful behavior like abusing substances at a party.

Note: Kerwin says younger children — especially under the age of 3 — are more vulnerable to emotional abuse than older teens and adults — but anyone can experience it, including adults.

3. They intimidate you

"Intimidation can be an extreme form of emotional abuse, as it causes the victim to feel powerless, hopeless, and scared," says Krueger.

This behavior can take many different forms. A parent might have unpredictable emotional outbursts when you try to confront them about something, leaving you feeling unsafe to express your feelings and concerns. They might yell, scream, and swear at you, call you names, or even throw things when you disagree with them.

According to Krueger, poor emotional regulation, a lack of empathy, and a high need for control can cause a parent to resort to intimidation. She adds that people with borderline personality disorder may use intimidation as a desperate attempt to keep their children from abandoning them — for example, by threatening to never speak to you again if you hang up the phone or leave the house.

Emotional abuse like this can have ever-lasting effects on the child. For example, a 2021 study of university students found that of all the possible types of mistreatment, emotional abuse was associated with the highest incidence rates of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms.

4. They withhold affection

Emotional abuse can be harder to identify than physical abuse. Like, in some cases, it isn't marked by what a parent is doing but rather by what they're not doing.

They may intentionally withhold affection as a means of influencing your behavior. According to Krueger, this can mean purposefully avoiding hugs, saying "I love you", and offering verbal praise.

For example, when a parent gives you the cold shoulder after you tell them you can't come home for the holidays, or after you express an opinion that opposes theirs. This form of passive aggressive behavior sends the message that their love is conditional: only when you please them will they express their affection for you.

Krueger says this kind of abuse can lead you to constantly seek out their approval in order to get the affection you need.

"Adults who withhold affection may also have experienced abuse as a child," says Krueger. "This behavior may have been modeled for them and become a template for how to parent their own children."

5. They neglect you

Neglect is one of the most common forms of child emotional abuse. When a parent fails to meet a child's basic needs — like food, clothing, sleep, hygiene, and medical attention — that's considered neglect, says Krueger.

Important: The CDC estimates children living in poverty are five times more likely to experience abuse. However, just because a child is living in poverty doesn't mean the parents are guilty of neglect. Neglect occurs when the parent doesn't use the resources available to them to care for their child, and therefore jeopardizes their health or safety.

Emotional neglect may entail:

Failing to give caring or loving responses when a child is suffering or ignoring them and reaches out for support.
Failing to provide psychological care for the child.
Allowing the child to use alcohol and drugs.

Neglect can be incredibly detrimental to your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. A 2015 review found that emotional abuse during childhood is linked to poor immune system response and overall health in adulthood.

This abuse can also stunt the development of a child's brain, thus leading to psychological problems and potentially triggering to high-risk behaviors. That may help explain why children and teens who are abused by caregivers are also more likely to become involved in criminal activity.

Very often, Krueger says parental neglect is a sign of a serious mental illness, like a mood disorder or substance use disorder, which compromises the parent's judgment or ability to meet their child's needs. In other words, a parent may simply be physically or psychologically unable to care for a child.

6. They compare you to others

Comparison is a natural human instinct — in the same way that a child may notice how their parents are a lot stricter than their friends, a parent may notice that another couple's child is far more well-behaved.

However, as soon as your parent begins verbalizing these comparisons out loud to you, it can soon become abusive.

For example, they might say: "Why can't you be more like [friend's name]?" or "Your cousin doesn't have any trouble finishing their homework, I don't know why it's so hard for you."

Or in households with more than one child, a parent may compare you to a sibling, says Kerwin. This can leave you feeling inferior to and even resentful of your brother or sister, increasing rivalry and damaging that relationship, as well.

There's a good chance your parent isn't comparing you to others to deliberately hurt you, but rather, in an attempt to motivate you to behave in a particular way that's more pleasing to them.

Regardless of the intention, though, it can, "create short-term impacts such as anger and embarrassment, and even long-term impacts including diminished self-esteem and lack of trust in others," says Krueger.

A 2016 study found that emotional abuse is linked to a higher risk of many different kinds of mental disorders including mood disorders, anxiety disorders, personality disorders, and substance use disorders.

A healthier way to motivate you would be to simply express whatever change they'd like to see without measuring you against someone else.

How to get help

If you think you've been emotionally abused by your parents, remember that you are not alone — and there are a number of resources you can use to get help.

Kerwin recommends that minors consider talking to a trusted adult — like a guidance counselor or teacher — about what they're experiencing at home. A trained staff member may be able to get the child additional support services, like a child or family psychologist, to ensure their safety and well-being.

Krueger notes that crisis text lines can be a great option for adolescents, teens, and adults who have their own cell phones. Some hotlines you can reach out to include:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE or text "START" to 88788, or use the online chat feature for free and confidential support 24/7.
Love Is Respect: Teens and young adults can call 1-866-331-9474, text "LOVEIS" to 22522, or use the online chat feature to seek advice and support from advocates.
National Child Abuse Hotline: Call or text 1-800-422-4453 to report abuse and/or get assistance finding free help and support in your area.
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Hotline: Call 1-800-950-NAMI, text "NAMI" to 741-741, or utilize the online chat feature on the NAMI website to connect with a trained crisis counselor.

Also, if you're independent and able, Krueger highly recommends seeking a licensed therapist, who can help you work through any trauma caused by the abuse.

"For adults who are still suffering the effects, therapy can assist in working through resentments and understanding how their current relationships may be impacted by unresolved pain from their past," she says.

Best online therapy providers

iStock; Gilbert Espinoza/Insider

Teletherapy is an accessible way to work with licensed mental health professionals, which we recommend in our guides to the best online therapy providers and free online therapy resources.

Best for full access to a self-selected therapist: BetterHelp, from $60 per week
Best for limited access to an assigned therapist, covered by insurance: TalkSpace, from $65 per week
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Insider's takeaway

Remember: There's nothing you could ever do to deserve being emotionally abused — especially by a parent, who's supposed to protect you, nurture you, and provide a safe environment for you to express your needs.

There are many potential reasons why a parent might resort to emotional abuse, including if they're dealing with mental health conditions, substance use problems, or they're not emotionally ready to be a parent.

Regardless of the reason or what they're going through, this mistreatment is never your fault and can be extremely dangerous for your short and long-term mental and physical health.

If any of the above signs sound familiar or you suspect that a parent may be abusing you, consider reaching out for help. Children might try talking with a trusted adult at school, while teens and adults can contact a therapist or domestic violence or crisis hotline.

Rebecca Strong

Rebecca Strong is a Boston-based freelance writer covering health and wellness, food and wine, fitness, and travel. In addition to contributing to the Health Reference and Kitchen verticals at Insider, she has also written for Healthline, Health magazine, Bustle, StyleCaster, PopSugar, AskMen, and Elite Daily. You can follow her work on Twitter.

Psychological child abuse | State Institution "Lyakhovichi Territorial Center for Social Services to the Population"

People express negative emotions in relation to others in different ways. Someone simply speaks badly about some person behind his back, and someone chooses a harsher and more unpleasant method of influence - psychological violence. Statistics show that the victim most often is not an adult, but a child. Minors are subjected to psychological violence in schools, on the street, at home. This is a very serious problem, because because of it, children's emotional behavior and development are disturbed. They have fears.

What is psychological abuse?

Psychological violence is also called emotional. This term refers to the periodic or constant insult of the child with some unpleasant words, the humiliation of his human dignity, the utterance of threats. Often, parents have formed the desired image of children. To achieve it, mothers and fathers present their children with such requirements that they are not able to fulfill due to age opportunities. This also applies to psychological abuse.

Negative attitude towards a child has very serious consequences. He ceases to be happy. He begins to suffer from his own feelings. The child withdraws into himself, loses confidence in the people around him. In the future, all this leads to problems in building relationships. Another negative consequence is low self-esteem. For example, peers at school may call a child scary, stupid. With such thoughts about himself, he grows in the future.

Problem classification into forms

What can be considered psychological abuse of a child? Experts identify several forms of this problem. Here are the main ones:

Degradation. With this form, children or adults influence a particular child with rude words, curses, name-calling, ridicule in front of other people.
Ignore. This form of violence is most often observed on the part of adults - parents. They do not pay attention to their child, they are not interested in his successes and achievements. He does not feel affection, care, love. Naturally, such an attitude depresses the child.
Repulsion. This feature of behavior is manifested by the fact that parents push their child away, constantly drive him away, that is, they make it clear that they do not need him.
Terrorization. In this form of abuse, the child is constantly threatened by something. They threaten him, make demands that are impossible at this age stage.

In various books on education, articles on psychological abuse of children, special attention is paid to isolation. This is another form of the problem. Its essence lies in various prohibitions (for example, you can’t communicate with peers, go for a walk with them). Sometimes, during isolation, parents resort to additional physical violence - they lock the child alone in an apartment, room, and sometimes even in a closet, beat him if he violates the prohibitions.

Signs of psychological abuse

When a child becomes a victim of psychological abuse, this can be guessed from certain behavioral patterns. The following signs are observed:

the child develops anxiety, excessive anxiety;

appetite is disturbed;

feeling depressed;

self-esteem decreases;

minor avoids peers, adults,

seeks to retire; sometimes, due to psychological abuse, a child develops such a character trait as aggressiveness;

sleep is disturbed due to negative emotions;

the child begins to pay less attention to studies, gets poor grades at school;

constant threats, insults, bullying by peers or adults lead to suicide attempts.

As early as childhood, psychological abuse causes health problems. Physical and mental development is delayed, enuresis, nervous tics, and obesity occur. Emotional abuse affects the brain. This ultimately causes a predisposition to various diseases:

coronary heart disease;

chronic fatigue syndrome;

oncological diseases, etc.

Domestic violence and advice to parents

Psychological violence in the family against a child occurs for various reasons.

First, parents may simply not love their child. It's terrifying. This reason simply does not fit in the head. How can you not love your own child, because he is the future of parents. Abusive moms and dads need to be talked to. Relatives also need help. If the parents do not come to their senses, then it is best for the child to live, for example, with his grandmother.

Another common reason is demands on the child. It is important to remember that you cannot force another person to do something. Requirements that are impossible to fulfill or that the child does not like can suppress the will and cause a depressed state.

Commandments of wise parents

There are 4 commandments of wise parents. They can help avoid psychological abuse of a child, because mothers and fathers do not always realize that their upbringing is wrong and leads to negative consequences.

First, never try to make the best out of your child. Not all people are the same. Each person is endowed with certain abilities and capabilities.

Secondly, do not compare your child with other children, do not reproach him for not achieving something, like some of his classmates.

Thirdly, do not threaten the child, do not blackmail him. Otherwise, you will cause him only fear, shame. Your child may think that you just do not love him.

Fourth, do not sort things out with a child in front of witnesses, even if he has done something. It is better to discuss the problem at home, find out the reason. When misbehaving, shame the child, but remember that there should be a measure in everything.

A problem at school Absolutely any child can become a victim of school bullying. The likelihood of this is greatly increased if he is calm, not too active and sociable. His offenders can be class leaders, aggressive children who have found a victim for self-affirmation or who always strive to be in the spotlight.

A child will always tell about psychological abuse if he trusts his parents. With a secretive nature, lack of trust in the family, the opposite situation is observed. The child does not share his experiences and problems with anyone. It is possible to guess that he became a victim of psychological violence at school. The presence of this problem is indicated by the following nuances:

the child does not want to go to school;

he doesn't talk about his classmates;

his things are sometimes torn or soiled;

The child returns home after school in a depressed state.

What to do if a child is abused during school

Psychological abuse of children at school is a problem that should be solved by parents together with the class teacher. The teacher, as a rule, is aware of everything that happens in the classroom. You can also talk to the mothers and fathers of the offenders. If a minor has been a victim of abuse for a long time, then the best way out is to change schools or temporarily transfer to home schooling.

If a child does not want to transfer to another school, then parents should give him some advice on how to deal with ridicule, insults:

who does this;

an effective way to deal with offenders is to show them that their unpleasant words do not hurt or upset at all;

in response to the insults of the offenders, you can simply laugh (if you demonstrate such behavior every time, then after a while, peers will simply become uninteresting in “poisoning” their victim).

Liability for child abuse in the Republic of Belarus

The legislation of the Republic of Belarus establishes several types of liability for persons who abuse a child.

Administrative responsibility. The Code of Administrative Offenses of the Republic of Belarus provides for liability for failure to perform or improper performance of duties for the maintenance, upbringing, education, protection of the rights and interests of minors - in the form of a warning or the imposition of an administrative fine.

Criminal liability. Belarusian criminal legislation provides for liability for all types of physical and sexual abuse of children, as well as for a number of articles - for mental abuse and for neglecting the basic needs of children, lack of care for them.

Civil liability. Abuse of a child may serve as a basis for bringing parents (persons replacing them) to liability in accordance with family law.

Bullying and how to overcome it: Psychologist's recommendations

Elena Bozhor, family and child psychotherapist, psychologist of the project #Nebiditynu from NGO "Batkivska Spilka"

bullying". In English it means bullying , bullying and bullying . Most children have been teased by siblings or friends at one time or another. If this happens in a playful, friendly and reciprocal way, where both children are just indulging, such grievances, as a rule, do no harm. But when verbal pricks become hurtful, angry, and persistent, they turn into bullying and need to be stopped.

Bullying is arrogant, offensive behavior, aggressive harassment of one of the members of the team (school, student or professional) by the rest of the team members or part of it. In bullying, the victim is unable to protect himself from attacks. Thus, bullying is different from a conflict, where the forces of the parties are approximately equal.

Causes of bullying

In my psychotherapeutic practice I have worked both with victims of bullying and with children who themselves humiliate and intimidate other children. What are the reasons for this state of affairs? I will give examples from practice.

Girl, 13 years old. Victim of bullying. Let's call her Masha. Masha was a completely happy and contented child. When the girl was 12, her parents divorced. After the divorce, she stayed with her mother. Masha experienced this event very hard, she lost self-confidence and “ground under her feet”, became withdrawn, depressed, her usual life collapsed. The girl experienced the trauma of loss, as she had a special connection with her father. During this difficult period, she became a victim of school bullying because she was so depressed that she did not have the strength to resist bullying from her classmates. She refused to go to school. In this state, her mother brought her to me for a consultation.

Another case with a nine-year-old boy Serezha, who himself bullied a classmate. At home, Serezha was subjected to psychological and physical violence. And his bullying at school was already a consequence. The child tried to restore self-esteem by humiliating another child.

That is, the causes of bullying can be very different, but first of all, it is a consequence of domestic humiliation, domestic violence, lack of trusting relationships and support from parents.

Who becomes a victim of bullying

Victims of bullying at school, most often, are losers, straight A students, teachers' favorites, physically weak children, children overprotected by parents, victims of domestic violence, sneaks, children suffering from diseases that distinguish them from the team, children who do not have electronic novelties of modern progress or who have the most expensive of them, inaccessible to other children, child prodigies, representatives of sexual minorities.

All the victims have one feature in common: most often the objects of bullying are children and adolescents who have increased sensitivity, showing their "weakness" (fear, resentment or anger). Their reaction is in line with the expectations of the aggressors, giving rise to the desired feeling of superiority.

Boys are more likely to be victims and initiators of school bullying. Bullying methods differ depending on the gender of the victim: boys are more likely to be beaten, classmates tend to spread defamatory rumors about girls.

Bullying causes the victim to lose confidence. Also, this phenomenon can lead to mental disorders of varying severity, as well as psychosomatic diseases, and can cause suicide. In this case, it is important to explain to the person that he is being bullied and show how to act in this situation.

The main types of bullying

Let's look at the main types of bullying, their characteristics and actions to take:

Verbal bullying

What it is: verbal bullying that includes verbal bullying or verbal bullying includes constant insults, threats, and disrespectful comments about someone (about appearance, religion, ethnicity, disability, clothing style, etc.).

Example: one child says to another child: "You are very, very fat, just like your mother."

Characteristics: Children who are verbally bullied often withdraw into themselves, become cranky or have problems with appetite. They may tell you about hurtful things someone said about them and ask you if it's true.

What to do: First, teach your children to be respectful. Use your own behavior patterns to reinforce the idea that everyone deserves to be treated well—thank teachers, praise friends, be kind to store employees. Develop children's self-esteem and teach them to appreciate their strengths. The best defense a parent can offer is to strengthen their child's self-esteem and independence and their willingness to take action if needed. Discuss and practice safe, constructive ways for your child to respond to the bully's words and actions. Together, come up with basic phrases that the child can say to his abuser in a firm but not hostile tone, such as: “Your words are unpleasant,” “Leave me alone,” or “Leave me alone.”

Physical bullying

What it is: Physical intimidation or bullying through aggressive physical intimidation consists of repeatedly hitting, kicking, tripping, blocking, pushing, and touching in an unwanted and inappropriate manner.

Example: A child is pulled off their pants or skirt in public on the playground.

Signs: when this happens, many children do not tell their parents about the incident, so watch out for possible warning signs and indirect signs such as unexplained cuts, scratches, bruises, missing or torn clothing , frequent complaints of headache and abdominal pain.

Things to do: If you suspect your child is being physically abused, start a casual conversation - ask how things are at school, what happened during lunch or during recess, on the way home. Based on the responses, ask the child if anyone has been abusive towards them. Try to contain your emotions. Emphasize the importance of an open, ongoing connection between your child and you, the teachers, or the school psychologist. Document the dates and times of bullying incidents, the corresponding reactions of those involved, and the actions that were taken. Do not contact the bully(s)'s parents to resolve the problem yourself. If your child continues to be physically abused and you need more help outside of school, contact local law enforcement. There are anti-bullying and harassment laws that require prompt corrective action.

Social bullying

What it is: Social bullying or isolation bullying involves someone being deliberately excluded from participating in group activities, whether it be eating at the dinner table, playing a game, playing sports or social activities.

Example: a group of girls in a dance class are discussing a weekend party and exchanging pictures, ignoring one girl they decide not to invite, pretending she doesn't exist.

Characteristics: Watch for changes in your child's mood, his unwillingness to maintain participation in the company of peers, and a greater than usual desire for solitude. Girls are more likely than boys to experience social isolation, non-verbal or emotional bullying. The emotional pain from this type of bullying can be as intense as physical abuse and last much longer.

Things to do: Use the evening to talk to your children about how their day went. Help them look for the positive in everything, pay attention to the good qualities of children and make sure they know that there are people who love them and are always ready to take care of them. Focus on developing their talents and interests in music, art, sports, reading, and extracurricular activities so your children can build relationships outside of school.

Cyberbullying

What it is: Cyberbullying is the act of blaming someone with offensive words, lies, and false rumors through email, text messages, and social media posts. Sexist, racist and similar messages create a hostile atmosphere even if they are not directed directly at the child.

Example: someone posts the following text on social networks: “Petya is a complete loser. Why is anyone talking to him at all?!"

Characteristics: Watch to see if your child spends more time on the Internet than before and is sad and anxious. Even if he reads nasty messages on his computer, phone or tablet, this may be his only way to socialize. Also pay attention to whether the child has trouble sleeping, asks to stay at home and not go to school, or refuses favorite activities.

To do: Offensive messages can spread anonymously and quickly, resulting in 24/7 cyberbullying, so set your home internet rules first. Agree with your child about age-appropriate time limits. Be aware of popular and potentially offensive sites, apps, and digital devices before your child starts using them. Let your child know that you intend to monitor their online activity. Tell him that if he is being cyberbullied, he must not engage in, react to, or provoke the bully. Instead, he needs to report the cyberbullying to you so that you can print the provocative messages, including the dates and times they were received. Report cyberbullying to the school and ISP. If cyberbullying escalates and contains threats and sexually explicit messages, contact local law enforcement.

How to start talking about bullying

If a child tells you that he or someone else is being bullied, support him, praise the child for having the courage to tell you about it, and gather information ( don’t get angry and blame the child himself). Emphasize the difference between denunciation just to get someone in trouble and speaking frankly with an adult who can help.

Another way to start talking to your child about bullying is to watch movies on related topics together as a family, the so-called film therapy. Here is a list of films on the topic: "Carrie" (1976), Scarecrow (1983), Heart of America (2002), Bang Bang You're Dead (2002), Class (2007), 13 Reasons Why (2017). Watching the film, the child can draw a parallel with what is happening to him in his class, see his own situation and share with his parents.

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