Am i being unreasonable quiz

Am I the Toxic One in the Relationship Quiz

Relationships can be difficult, as it is a give and take between you and your partner. Relationships are a constant compromise between two people, and sometimes people aren’t ready to compromise on their goals in life. Are you feeling like you are bringing your partner down or that you are not contributing to your relationship substantially? So, do you tend to ask yourself frequently, ‘Am I the toxic one in the relationship?’ If yes, take this quiz and get some answers.

Questions Excerpt

1. Do you support your partner’s dreams and goals?

A. Yes, their goals are as important as my own

B. Sometimes, but I think my goals are more important

C. Not really; I don’t think their goals are interesting

D. Never, I only have time to focus on my goals and dreams

2. How often do you tell your partner that you love them?

A. Very often, every day!

B. Sometimes, a couple of times a week

C. Not really, maybe monthly or when I remember

D. Never, I do not tell them that I love them

3. Do you build your partner up with compliments or tear them down with insults?

A. Yes! I constantly compliment my partner

B. Yeah, I give them a compliment every once in a while

C. I don’t intend to, but sometimes they do get an earful of bad things

D. I don’t find anything compliment-worthy about them!

4. How often do you begin arguments with your partner?

A. Very often

B. Often

C. Rarely

D. Never

5. Do you like spending time with your partner?

A. Yes! I want to see them every day

B. Yes, but not every day

C. Sometimes, I also like my space

D. Never, I prefer to be alone

6. Do you spend time with your partner’s family?

A. Yes, we see their family as much as they want to

B. Sometimes, it is hard to make time for their family

C. Not very often, we see their family less and less

D. Not at all; we do not have time to see their family

7. Do you listen to your partner’s feelings and concerns?

A. Yes! Their feelings and concerns are important to me

B. Yeah, I listen when they come up

C. Sometimes, I don’t ask, but sometimes they just talk about them

D. No, I don’t have time to listen to their nonsense

8. Are you often frustrated with your partner or relationship?

A. No! We rarely fight with one another

B. Sometimes; we fight a couple of times a month

C. Yes, I find myself angry with them regularly

D. All the time! Everything they do makes me mad!

9. Do you engage in intimate moments with your partner?

A. Yes! I can’t keep my hands off them

B. Yeah, we are intimate regularly

C. Occasionally, I tend to postpone sex

D. No, never. I would prefer to do it myself

10. Do you yell or raise your voice at your partner?

A. Very often, I feel like I’m always yelling

B. Often, I feel like I can’t help it

C. Occasionally, I try to not yell usually

D. Never, I don’t think yelling is a good mode of communication

Are You Being Taken for Granted in Your Relationship?

Image: Shutterstock

Love is something we all aspire to find, but true love isn't the only thing a relationship needs. Once one partner starts assuming that the other one will always be with them and put up with their crap no matter how they behave, that relationship is on the road to ruin. Sure, it may stagger along for many years after that point of no return, but it's a zombie love that isn't really fulfilling for either partner. However, even loving couples can find it easy to fall into such a pattern, and it's certainly possible to come out of it when it occurs - if the will is there and the baseline of respect is maintained.

A truly loving relationship is one between equals, who know how lucky they are to have their boo in their life and make an effort to show it. They might have times of illness or employment trouble where they need to lean harder on their partner, but they don't just take for granted that they have the right to such things. Instead, they say, "Thank you" and do whatever is in their power to prove that they really do intend to always put the "significant" in "significant other." So tell us about how your boo is with you, and we'll see whether they're taking advantage, or whether you've really struck relationship gold!

How often does your partner thank you?

More than once a day

Once a day

When I deserve it

Not often

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

How often do they say they love you?

Constantly

Every now and then

I don't remember the last time.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

If you were to come home late unexpectedly, what would they do?

Prepare dinner and clean up.

They would have already texted to ask if I wanted them to make dinner.

Be a bit pouty that we had to eat late.

Go out.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Do you ever feel kind of invisible to them?

No, quite the opposite.

Rarely

A bit, yes

All the time

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

If they're going to be late home, do they tell you?

Yes, they then make it up to me by spoiling me.

They text me and check in so I know what's what and can plan.

Sometimes

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

If they had a friend you didn't like, could you tell them?

They already got rid of all of them.

They know which ones I don't like and don't make me see them.

They know but I still have to see those friends.

I could never say.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Have they ever changed a habit for you?

All of them

One or two, like being tidier, eating healthier, or only watching TV in the evenings.

Only if I badger them constantly.

LOL no

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Have you ever changed their mind about something?

They agree with me on everything, it is really uncanny.

One or two, which goes both ways.

Once but I think they were just humoring me.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Do they make plans for special occasions?

They make plans for all the occasions - it's like having a secretary.

Of course.

If it involves them, like their birthday.

That's my job.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

If you want them to perform a small task like tidy the kitchen or take out the trash, how many times do you have to ask?

Three or more

There would be no point; ten times wouldn't make them do it.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Have they ever told you that you are: overreacting, hysterical, shrill, unreasonable, or being ridiculous?

Once, but they were sorry.

Yeah, I hate it.

Yes, often, and they're obviously right - if I'd just accept their version of events I'd be much happier.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

If you ask nicely twice, they say they'll do it, they don't do it, and then you sound a little short on the third ask, how do they react?

I never had to ask that many times.

They can be slightly annoyed because they are human, but they get that it's on them for not doing what they promised, so they do it graciously.

They get upset and then grudgingly do the thing.

They use my being slightly short to justify not doing the thing now, which is on me for being unreasonable.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Do they ever do things like clean or tidy the house without you having to ask?

Yes, it's like living in a hotel.

They do the tasks we agreed were their job, and occasionally extra ones.

No, I always have to ask, but they always do it.

I have to ask, and sometimes they do it.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Do they ever reach out during the day just to say something nice to you?

More than once a day

Most days - just something little like a text saying hi.

Yes, some days they send me cute messages.

Once in a while they do a big gesture like flowers.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Have they ever picked you up from the airport?

Every single time

Once or twice

They send a car

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Can you tell them your deepest fear?

They already know.

Yes, but I am careful not to bombard them.

Yes, but I would be afraid they might laugh.

No, they would laugh.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Can you just sit quietly and be chilled out around them without worrying at all?

Totally - and sometimes tea or coffee or a nice snack magically appears by my elbow when I do.

Yes, absolutely, and if one of us gets up to make a cup of coffee then we offer the other one automatically.

Yes, of course.

Mostly, but sometimes I am a little worried I might be annoying them.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Do they ever talk about future plans you haven't actually agreed on, like kids or moving someplace?

All the time

Not without acknowledging that these things are not agreed yet.

Sometimes

No, they never talk about any plans more than a few months out.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Do they expect you to spend more time with their friends or family than they do with yours?

No, it's all mine.

We see the ones who are closest more often.

We see theirs more often.

We don't really see each other's friends and family at all.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

If they wanted to have friends over to your place, how would you know about it?

They would ask permission in advance.

They would let me know and if I had a reason to object, I would; otherwise, I'd either plan to be home and co-host, or clear out for the evening, as appropriate.

They'd text me it was happening.

I'd come home and find them there.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Do you ever have meals that only one of you likes?

Yes, they make my favorite.

Sometimes: it goes back and forth.

Yes, I make their favorite.

I just let them choose.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

If you have kids or a dog, who does most of the caring for them?

They do.

It's about even.

Our kids would starve if I did not do everything.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Which of you handles most of the greasing life's wheels, like sending cards and thank you notes, or organizing repairs to your house?

They do it all.

We discuss it and whoever is less busy does more in that period of time.

Usually more to me, but they do some, especially if I ask.

We agreed early on that I would do all such things.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Do they ever hold any grudges against you?

Never, they forgive me before they actually should.

Not that I know of!

Yes, but only in that human way people cannot help.

Yes, they bring up all my past mistakes.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Do they know your prescriptions?

Of course, they collect them for me.

Mostly, yes.

They know there is one.

They have no idea.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Do they ever offer to pick up something for you on the way home?

Yes, and sometimes they just get something anyway.

Yes, like a treat or the dry cleaning or some such.

Once in a blue moon, sure.

I can't remember them ever doing that.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Do you see a long term future with them?

I see absolutely no other future.

I see it as the most likely future.

I see it is quite likely.

I see it as possible.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

Do your friends and family approve?

They think my boo is a little clingy but otherwise, yes.

They are absolutely ecstatic.

They are OK with it - they know it's not their decision.

I think they would prefer I see someone else.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

If you have a success like getting a raise, how does your partner react?

They do a jig and then tell everyone.

They do a jig and hug me, then offer to organize a way to celebrate.

They tell me well done.

They try to be nice but they might be a little jealous.

SCROLL TO NEXT QUESTION

If you're just feeling blah, but haven't mustered the wherewithal to say something, what are the odds that they would notice anyway?

FINISH QUIZ

You Got:

Dealing with Guilt - Snob

In the new book Mood Therapy, published by Alpina Publisher, British professor of psychology and behavioral sciences, David Burns, talks about how to identify the first signs of depression, deal with feelings of guilt and how to understand yourself. "Snob" publishes one of the chapters of

Photo: Isai Ramos

No book on depression is complete without a chapter on guilt. What is the function of guilt? Writers, spiritual leaders, psychologists and philosophers have been trying to answer this question for centuries. What is guilt based on? Maybe it was the concept of "original sin" that gave rise to it? Or the Oedipal incest fantasies and other taboos that Freud talked about? Is guilt a realistic and useful component of the human experience? Or is it a "useless emotion" that humanity would be better off without, as some modern writers in the field of popular psychology suggest?

When computational mathematics was introduced, scientists found that they could now easily solve complex motion and acceleration problems that were extremely difficult to solve with the old methods. Cognitive theory has similarly given us a kind of emotional "calculus" tool that facilitates progress through the thorns of philosophical and psychological questions.

Let's see what can be learned from the cognitive approach. Guilt is the emotion you feel when you have the following thoughts:

I did something that I shouldn't have done (or didn't do that I should have) that doesn't meet my moral standards or notions of justice.
Such "bad behavior" shows that I am a bad person (or I have a tendency to do harm, I have a spoiled character, a rotten gut, etc.).

The idea of one's own "badness" is the main cause of feelings of guilt. Without it, actions that cause harm lead to healthy feelings of remorse, but not guilt. Remorse arises from an adequate understanding that you intentionally and unreasonably harmed yourself or another person, which violates your personal ethical standards. Remorse is different from guilt because it does not mean that your wrongdoing shows how bad, evil, or immoral you are. In short, you feel remorse or regret about your behavior, while guilt is directed at your Self.

If, in addition to feelings of guilt, you feel depressed, ashamed, or anxious, you are probably following one of the following mental assumptions:

My "bad behavior" makes me inferior or worthless (this interpretation leads to depression).
If others knew what I did, they would begin to despise me (this thought causes a feeling of shame).
I may be avenged, or I may be punished (this thought is disturbing).

The easiest way to assess whether these feelings are beneficial or destructive is to determine whether they contain any of the ten cognitive distortions described in Chapter 3. If these thought errors are present, your guilt, anxiety, depression, or shame are certainly not justified. and unrealistic. I suspect you will find that many of your negative feelings are actually based on such thinking errors.

The first distortion when you feel guilty may be that you did something wrong. Perhaps it is, but perhaps not. Is the behavior that you condemn in yourself really so terrible, immoral, wrong? Or are you exaggerating the scale of the problem? A charming medical laboratory assistant recently brought me a sealed envelope with a sheet of paper on which she wrote something so terrible about herself that she could not say it out loud. When she handed me the envelope with trembling hands, she made me promise not to read it aloud and not to laugh at her. Inside was a message: "I pick my nose and eat boogers!" The premonition of catastrophe and the horror on her face contrasted so strikingly with the trifle written on a piece of paper that I began to laugh. I lost all professional self-control and laughed. Luckily, she laughed heartily, too, and felt relieved.

Am I saying that you never misbehave? No. Such a position would be highly unrealistic. I just want to emphasize that the more you exaggerate the scale of your mistakes, the greater will be the needless torment and self-criticism.

The second key distortion that leads to guilt is the tendency to label yourself a "bad person" because of what you have done. It was this superstitious destructive thinking that led to witch hunts in the Middle Ages! You may have actually done something bad, spiteful, hurtful, but it's inappropriate to call yourself "bad" or "spoiled" because you'll end up wasting energy on worrying and self-blaming rather than creatively looking for the best problem-solving strategy.

Another common guilt-producing distortion is personalization. You unreasonably take responsibility for something you didn't do. Let's say you offer constructive criticism to your boyfriend, who reacts defensively and offended. You may blame yourself for being upset and jump to the conclusion that your comment was inappropriate. In fact, it was his own negative thoughts that upset him, not your comment. Moreover, these thoughts are probably distorted. Perhaps he thought that your criticism implied that he was not good enough, and concluded that you did not respect him.

And besides, did you put this illogical thought into his head? Obviously not. He did it himself, so you can't take responsibility for his reaction.

Since cognitive therapy claims that it is thoughts that create feelings, you may come to the nihilistic conclusion that you cannot harm anyone no matter what you do, and therefore you have the right to do anything. After all, why not leave the family, cheat on your wife, or cheat on a business partner? If they're upset, it's their problem, it's their thoughts, right?

No! Here we again emphasize the importance of the concept of "cognitive biases". As long as a person's feelings of frustration are caused by distorted thoughts, you can say that he himself is responsible for his suffering. If you blame yourself for this person's pain, it's a personalization error. Conversely, if a person's suffering is caused by valid, undistorted thoughts, then it is real and may indeed have an external cause. For example, if you hit me in the stomach, I will probably think, “You hit me! It hurts you!” In this case, you are responsible for my pain, and your opinion that you hurt me is in no way the result of a distorted perception. Your remorse and my discomfort are real and authentic.

Inadequate demands with the word "should" is a direct path to guilt. Irrational demands on yourself mean that you should be perfect, omniscient or omnipotent. Such perfectionist “rules of life” harm you by creating impossible expectations and making you inflexible. One such example is "I should always be happy." And here is the corollary of this rule: every time you are upset, you feel like a failure. Since it is obvious that the goal of achieving eternal happiness is unrealistic for any person, such a rule only harms and replaces the real responsibility for oneself.

Other inadequate "should" requirements are based on the premise that you know everything. They assume that you have all the knowledge in the universe and can predict the future with absolute accuracy. For example, you think, “I shouldn't have gone to the beach this weekend because I started to get the flu. What a fool I am! Now I'm so sick I'll have to lie in bed for a week. " Such reproaches are unrealistic, because you did not know for sure that due to a trip to the beach, the condition would worsen so much. If you knew this, you would have acted differently. You are human and made that decision, later realizing that your guess was wrong.

The third kind of "must" requirement is based on the premise that you are omnipotent. They assume that, like God, you have limitless possibilities, you can control yourself and other people and achieve whatever goal you want. You miss a tennis pitch and startle, exclaiming, "I shouldn't have missed that shot!" Why not? Is your tennis game so perfect that you can't miss a serve?

It is clear that these three categories of demands with the word “must” create an inadequate sense of guilt, since they are not based on reasonable arguments.

In addition to distortions, several other criteria can help distinguish abnormal guilt from healthy feelings of remorse or regret. It is the intensity, duration and consequences of your negative emotions. Let's apply them to assess the unbearable guilt of a married 52-year-old high school teacher named Janice. For many years, Janice was in severe depression. Her problem was that she was relentlessly tormented by the memories of two cases of shoplifting that happened when she was 15. Having led a completely honest life since then, she could not overcome the memory of those two incidents. She was haunted by guilt-creating thoughts: "I am a thief, a liar, a bad person, I am a fake." The agony of her guilt was so intense that every night she prayed that God would let her die in her sleep. Every morning, waking up alive, she experienced bitter disappointment and said to herself: “I am such a bad person that even God does not want to take me away.” In desperation, she loaded her husband's gun, pointed it at her heart, and pulled the trigger. The weapon misfired. She didn't cock the trigger properly. Janice felt the final fiasco: she couldn't even kill herself! Throwing down the gun, she sobbed in despair.

Janice's guilt is not justified not only because of the obvious distortions, but also because of the intensity, duration and consequences of what she felt and said to herself. Her feelings are nothing like healthy remorse or regret about shoplifting, it's an irresponsible destruction of her self-esteem that blinds her, does not allow her to live in the here and now, and does not correspond to any real transgression. The consequences of her guilt create the ultimate paradox: the belief that she is a bad person forced her to attempt suicide, the most destructive and senseless act in the world.

The vicious cycle of guilt

Even if you experience unhealthy guilt based on distortions, you can become trapped in the illusion that your guilt is justified as soon as you start to feel guilty. Such illusions can be very powerful and convincing. Here are your thoughts:

I feel guilty and condemned. It means I'm really bad.
Because I am bad, I deserve to suffer.

Thus, guilt convinces you of your own worthlessness and leads to even greater feelings of guilt. This cognitive-emotional connection locks your thoughts and feelings into each other. You are caught in a vicious circle that I call the "vicious circle of guilt."

This vicious cycle is fueled by emotional rationale (see the chapter on cognitive distortions). You automatically assume that because you feel guilty, you must have failed somewhere and therefore deserve to suffer. You probably think like this: "I'm bad, so I'm probably bad." This is irrational because your self-hatred does not necessarily prove that you did something wrong. Your guilt only reflects your opinion that you behaved badly. Perhaps this is true, but often this is far from the truth. For example, children are often punished for no reason when parents are tired, irritated, and misinterpret their behavior. Under these circumstances, the child's feelings of guilt obviously do not prove that he or she has done something so terrible.

Self-flagellation only fuels the cycle of guilt. Guilty thoughts lead to unproductive actions that reinforce your belief that you are worthless. For example, a guilt-prone female neurologist was trying to study for her certification exam. It was difficult for her to study for the test, and she felt guilty that she did not study well. Therefore, she spent a lot of time every evening watching TV, and at this time the following thoughts were spinning in her head: “I should not watch TV. I have to prepare for the exam. I am lazy. I don't deserve to be a doctor. I'm too selfish. I deserve punishment." These thoughts made her feel great guilt. Then she reasoned like this: "This guilt only proves that I am a lazy, bad person." Her self-flagellation and guilt only fueled each other.

Like many people who are prone to guilt, she held to the idea that if she punished herself enough, she would eventually be set free. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. Guilt simply sapped her strength and reinforced her belief that she was lazy and inept. The only result of her self-hatred was obsessive nightly raids on the refrigerator, during which she gorged herself on ice cream or peanut butter.

The vicious circle she got into is shown in Figure 8.1. Her negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors combined to create a self-destructive, cruel illusion that she was "bad" and couldn't control herself.

Guilt is irresponsible

If you really did something inappropriate or harmful, does it follow that you deserve to suffer? If you feel the answer to this question is yes, ask yourself, “How long must I suffer? Day? Year? For the rest of your life?" What judgment would you choose to pass on yourself? Are you ready to end your own suffering and stop torturing yourself when your sentence is up? This would at least be a responsible form of time-limited punishment. But first, what is the point of torturing yourself with guilt? If you make a mistake and cause harm, your guilt will not magically undo the mistake. It will not speed up the learning process, nor will it make you less likely to do it again in the future. Other people won't love and respect you more because you feel guilty and put yourself down that way. Guilt will not lead to a productive life. So what's the point?

Many people ask, "But how can I act morally and control my impulses if I don't feel guilty?" This is the prison guard's approach. Apparently, you think that you are so malicious and out of control that you must constantly punish yourself so as not to break loose. Of course, if your behavior hurts others, a small dose of agonizing remorse will help you realize the consequences of your actions than a neutral, non-emotional admission of wrongdoing. But without a doubt, it never helped anyone to consider themselves a bad person. Most often, the belief in one's own worthlessness only contributes to further "bad" behavior.

Change and learning happen faster when you a) recognize that a mistake has occurred and b) develop a strategy to correct the problem. You will make the process much easier if you treat yourself with love and relax. And guilt will only get in the way.

For example, I am sometimes criticized by patients for making a harsh comment that causes them to think in the wrong way. This criticism usually hurts me and makes me feel guilty only if there is some truth in it. If I feel guilty and call myself "bad," I tend to react defensively. I have a desire to deny the mistake, to justify it or to go on the counterattack, because it is disgusting to feel like a “bad person”. This makes it difficult to admit your mistake and correct it. If, on the contrary, I do not scold myself and do not feel that my self-esteem is hurt, it is easy for me to admit a mistake. Then I can easily fix the problem and learn something. The less guilt I feel, the more effectively I deal with the situation.

Thus, if you make a mistake, you need to recognize it, learn from it and change the situation. Does guilt help here? I do not believe in this. Instead of helping to admit one's own mistake, guilt only obscures the tracks. You don't want to hear any criticism. You can't stand your own mistakes because they make you feel terrible. This is why guilt is unproductive.

You might object, “How can I know if I did something wrong if I don't feel guilty? What if I start to indulge in blind excesses, uncontrollable, destructive selfishness, if I don’t feel guilty?

Anything is possible, but I honestly doubt it. You can replace guilt with a more conscious basis of moral behavior - empathy. Empathy is the ability to visualize the consequences of your behavior, both good and bad. This is the ability to realize the impact of your actions on you and on other people, and to feel reasonable, sincere sadness and regret, without calling yourself bad in essence. Empathy creates the necessary mental and emotional climate to regulate behavior in a moral and self-learning way, without having to use the whip of guilt.

Using the following criteria, you can easily determine whether your feelings are normal and healthy remorse or self-destructive, distorted guilt. Ask yourself:

Did I do something “bad”, “unfair”, hurt knowingly and intentionally? Or am I unreasonably demanding of myself to be perfect, omniscient, or omnipotent?
Do I call myself a bad or nasty person because of this? Do my thoughts also contain other cognitive distortions such as exaggeration, overgeneralization, etc.?
Is my regret or repentance realistic? Does it stem from an empathic awareness of the negative consequences of my actions? Is the intensity and duration of my painful emotional reaction appropriate to the act?
Am I ready to learn from my mistake? What am I doing for this? Do you think how to fix the current situation? Or whine, scrolling through the thoughts of what happened? Or maybe I am punishing myself unjustifiably?

Now let's look at some methods that will help you get rid of misplaced guilt and build self-respect.

1. Diary of recording automatic thoughts. In the previous chapters, you have been introduced to the Automatic Thought Journal, which helps you overcome low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. This method gracefully handles many unwanted emotions, including guilt. Write down the event that makes you feel guilty in the Situation column. For example, "I was rude to a colleague" or "Instead of putting in ten dollars, I threw the alumni fundraiser in the trash." Then "tune in" to the tyrant's voice in your head and write down the specific accusations that make you feel guilty. Finally, identify distortions and write down more objective thoughts. You will feel better.

An example of such operation is shown in Table 8.1. Shirley was a sensitive young woman who decided to move to New York to start her career as an actress. After spending a long and exhausting day looking for an apartment, he and his mother took the train back to Philadelphia. Boarding the train, they discovered that no food was provided. Shirley's mother began to complain about the lack of service, and Shirley felt guilt and a wave of self-criticism engulf her. When she wrote down the guilt-producing thoughts and answered them, she experienced significant relief. She told me that by dealing with her guilt, she avoided the tantrum she usually threw in such unpleasant situations (see Table 8.1).

2. Techniques for neutralizing demands on oneself. Here are some methods for neutralizing the irrational "should" demands you make on yourself. First, ask yourself, “Who said I should? Where is that written?" The point is for you to realize that you are not justified in criticizing yourself. Ultimately, you are the one who sets your own rules. As soon as you see that the rule does not benefit you, you have the right to revise or cancel it. Suppose you tell yourself that you must be able to make your spouse happy all the time. If you understand from experience that this is unrealistic and useless to even try, then you can rewrite this rule, bringing it closer to reality. For example: “I can sometimes make my spouse happy, but of course not all the time. Ultimately, his happiness depends on himself. And I am no more perfect or perfect than he is. Therefore, I will not expect constant gratitude for what I do.

When deciding how useful a particular rule is, ask yourself: “What are the advantages and disadvantages of this rule?”, “How does the requirement to always keep my spouse happy helps me, and what is the price of such a belief?” You can evaluate the pros and cons of this internal rule using two columns, as shown in Table 8.2.

Another simple but effective way to save yourself from excessive demands on yourself involves replacing the word “should” with others, also using the two-column technique. For this, the expressions "It would be nice if" or "If I could, I would ..." are well suited. They often turn out to be more realistic and not as frustrating. For example, instead of "I should make my wife happy," you could say, "It would be great if I could make my wife happy because she's upset. I can ask her what's upsetting her and think about how I might be able to help." Or instead of "I shouldn't have eaten ice cream," you could say, "It would have been better if I hadn't eaten that ice cream, but what I did is not the end of the world. "

And another method is to show yourself that your claim is not true. For example, when you say "I shouldn't have done this," you're assuming 1) that you really shouldn't have done it, and 2) it would help if you told yourself that. The Reality Method will reveal, to your surprise, that the exact opposite is true: a) you really should have done exactly what you did and b) it will hurt you if you tell yourself you shouldn't have done it.

Translation: Anna Kogteva

No offense: how to respond to criticism?

Psychology

"I'm sorry, but this color doesn't suit you." “Is it possible to listen to your advice?! You're always talking nonsense!" “And what did he find in her ...” “C grade work” It so happened that in our society they are used to paying more attention to the negative than the positive aspects of a person - it is much easier to notice the shortcomings of others than pleasant qualities or happy opportunities.

No one likes criticism, no matter how delicate it may sound. The development of social networks and the phenomenon of trolling only exacerbated the situation - it became much easier to express your “fi” or arrange a real persecution on the Web.

No matter how much we convince you otherwise, everyone knows very well that any comments - about appearance, work, behavior, and even culinary abilities - affect our emotional health and self-esteem. So why not learn how to properly rebuff the ubiquitous critics? This will help you maintain your confidence and prove that you are not provocative, able to draw the right conclusions and can confidently move forward. No resentment, complexes or disappointments.

What should you not do if you are being criticized?

1. Completely deny, avoid, or ignore the other person's comment. In other words, pretending nothing happened or "change the subject." Silencing the situation, as a rule, guarantees even more unresolved problems in the future, the risk of returning to the same “closed topic” later, and the accumulation of negative emotions.

2. The most common reaction to criticism is not just resentment, but rather aggressive response. Which, for objective reasons, is not the best tactic.

3. Another form of rejection of other people's criticism is making excuses about what happened. Most often, this is even more annoying - the other person decides: you ignore his point of view, not attaching importance to it, or deliberately do not want to ask for forgiveness.

How to respond to criticism?

#1. The easiest way to find out what a harsh or caustic critic meant is to ask him about it. Feel free to ask questions! What exactly do you dislike? Why do you think I shouldn't do this? Did what I said offend you? Why do you say that? In this way, you will have a better understanding of the complaints and the reasons for the other's dissatisfaction. It often turns out that strong feelings and resentment are hidden behind criticism, and the remark itself is not the final goal, and something else really worries a person. For example, someone might be irritated not by the fact that you showed up ten minutes late, but by the feeling that you don't take them seriously.

#2. Throw away all emotions and think - is there at least some truth in the criticism against you? Maybe these are quite constructive remarks? It's hard to accept that you're doing something wrong or that your lifestyle isn't the best... But it's an important step to get over the situation. Feel the difference: were the words spoken just to hurt you? Or can some benefit be derived from them? Perhaps you are really dressed or behaving inappropriately for the situation or status, and with your remark the other person did a great favor, and you got the opportunity to become better.

#3. Learn to accept the other person's opinion even if you don't share it. Even if you don't change your behavior because you don't agree with the criticism, at least acknowledge that there is a different, acceptable opinion and avoid being attacked.

#4. If you understand that there is some truth in the comments, and criticism gets attention - work on yourself . For example: "You're right, I'm regularly very late, it looks like it's time to set two alarms so as not to oversleep."

#5. Don't be afraid to tell the truth and set boundaries . Feel free to talk about your feelings - it’s unpleasant for you to hear comments addressed to you, explain what exactly hurt you and upset you. In this way, you will protect yourself from taunts in the future and indicate which communication you consider unacceptable.

#6. Criticism as a source of information about a person . Or there is no evil without good. Remind yourself of a simple truth - remarks about others often say more about the commenter than about the person being criticized. Use the review as a source of information about who gave it. Keep calm and you will learn a lot about a person. Note that the one who is used to upsetting others, rather than encouraging or supporting, is in himself an unhappy person.

Learn more