Am i being emotionally abused by my parents
How to tell if you have emotionally abusive parents: 15 signs
Do you feel like you are struggling with your relationship with your parents?
Does it feel like a toxic encounter and draining every time you interact?
It is very possible to have emotionally abusive parents? But how can you tell if your parents have mentally abused you?
It’s difficult to identify emotionally abusive parents. But at its core, emotional and psychological abuse diminishes a child’s sense of self-worth or identity.
Because we naturally look to our parents for love and support, it can be hard to look deeper into this reality.
So I’ve put together the key signs to understand if your parents push past your boundaries of comfort and wellbeing, and are indeed bordering the line of being emotionally abusive. Let’s jump right in.
15 signs you have emotionally abusive parents
We’ll go through the classic signs that you have emotionally abusive parents. Then we’ll explain what you can do about it.
1) Your parents are narcissists
A classic sign that your parents are emotionally abusive, is that they exhibit narcissistic characteristics.
They will go out of their way to emotionally manipulate you. They love exercising control over their children.
It’s either to make themselves look good, or they feel loving their children is a waste of time.
This can be displayed either of two ways:
Passive-aggressiveness, withdrawal, neglect, threats;
or
The need for control, over-protectiveness, extremely high expectations.
Both types of emotional manipulation leave the child confused. It also causes anxiety because they don’t know what their parent is going to do next.
2) They have a pattern of verbal abuse
If your parents verbally abuse you, this is a clear sign they are also impacting your emotional wellbeing.
Parenting is a hard and oftentimes frustrating thing. That’s why you can’t really blame parents for occasionally being hard on their children.
However, one sure way to recognize emotional abuse is if it has become a pattern. Specifically, a pattern of verbal abuse.
According to Dean Tong, an expert on child abuse allegations:
“The easiest way to detect if a parent is emotionally abusing a child is listening to their chastisement of him/her and hearing words that are tantamount to denigration, and vilification of the child’s other parent in front of said child.
“It’s a form of brainwashing and poisoning of the child convincing the child the other parent is the bad guy.”
3) They experience mood swings
Everyone has mood swings. Emotionally abusive parents tend to take these moods out on their children.
And in a family dynamic, massive mood swings can determinately affect a child psychologically.
Domestic abuse expert Christi Garner of Psychotherapist Online, says:
“If a parent’s mood swings made you feel like you were always walking on eggshells and you were always nervous or scared of what would happen when they were around (even if nothing ‘bad’ ever happened), that’s emotionally abusive behavior.
”
Severe mood swings tend to leave a child in an anxious state of not knowing what’s going to happen next.
4) They withhold compliments
Do your parents ever offer you compliments? If not, this can be a sign of emotional abuse.
What child has never wanted to please their parent? And what parent doesn’t like to brag about their children?
Well, emotionally abusive parents don’t like giving their children credit, especially when they deserve it.
In fact, they choose to be critical instead.
Garner explains:
“Determine if your parent was always talking negatively with you, repeatedly stating negative comments about the way you dressed, how you looked, your abilities to accomplish anything, your intelligence, or who you were as a person.”
If you’ve felt like you were never enough for your parents growing up, you might have been emotionally abused.
5) Withholding basic needs
If a parent withholds providing basic needs for their child, they are exhibiting abusive behavior.
Perhaps the worst of crimes, emotionally abusive parents may also have a tendency of depriving their children of their basic needs.
It is a parent’s job to provide food and shelter to their children. But some emotionally abusive parents don’t take up this responsibility.
For whatever reason, they just don’t feel the need to give their children even the most basic of necessities.
6) Enmeshment or parentification
If a parent is way too involved in their child’s life, or overly providing, this can be a sign of emotional abuse.
Sometimes, parents can give too much—too much love, too much affection, too much material needs.
This kind of emotional abuse is extremely hard to detect. But one thing is certain, it creates a family dynamic where boundaries are almost non-existent.
According to psychologist Dr. Margaret Rutherford:
“There’s too much sharing or too much neediness. Children get the message that it’s not okay to be themselves—they need to stay highly involved with their parents.
It can appear from the outside that everybody is very happy, but on the inside, there’s an expectation of loyalty that doesn’t celebrate individual achievement or identity, but demands control.”
7) They always expect you to put them first
If a parent puts their needs before their child’s they are fundamentally neglecting their child.
This point takes some careful consideration. You have to be clear about what you expect from your parents and how they actually are.
Rudá Iandê, the world-renowned shaman, argues that one of the most important tasks is to understand the expectations of your parents so you can choose your own path.
We can’t just detach from our parents to find our way. But we can distinguish between reasonable and unreasonable demands from our parents.
Often, emotionally abusive parents display their selfishness by forcing you to meet their expectations and needs before your own. They focus more on having their needs satisfied.
Rudá Iandê shared his story of being a father in his free video on turning frustrations in life into personal power.
He explained that he arrived at a point in his relationship with his son where he had to let him go his own way:
“There was a moment when I understood that being tough was the best I could do to my son, and trust him to follow his own path and assume his own responsibilities, instead of me supporting his weaknesses.”
So what can you do to improve your relationship with your parents?
Begin with yourself. Stop searching for external fixes to sort out your life, deep down, you know this isn’t working.
And that’s because until you look within and unleash your personal power, you’ll never find the satisfaction and fulfillment you’re searching for.
In his excellent free video, Rudá explains effective methods for forging a strong connection of real love with your children.
So if you want to build a better relationship with your parents and yourself, unlock your endless potential, and put passion at the heart of everything you do, start now by checking out his genuine advice.
Here’s a link to the free video again.
8) They invalidate your emotions
When parents fail to recognize and validate your emotions, they are neglecting your emotional needs.
Emotional abuse is a one-way street. Abusive parents control or exercise power over their child’s emotions, but it ends there.
Have you felt like your parents always disregarded your feelings?
As if you have no right to be hurt or offended?
Did they always call you names like “crybaby” or a “weakling?”
That’s definitely a pattern of emotional abuse.
Good parents ensure their children have a healthy view of emotions.
Psychologist Carrie Disney explains:
“In a good enough upbringing, we learn that feelings can be managed, they may sometimes be scary but they can be thought through.”
Having your emotions undercut is a painful feeling. It can cause you to enter into a cycle of self-doubt and mental confusion.
9) They deliberately isolate you
If your parents kept you away from your friends, neighbors, and family, they certainly impacted your emotional health.
Deliberately isolating you from everyone and everything is another form of emotional manipulation. It’s another way to control you.
Abusive parents will restrict their child’s social activities on the pretense of “knowing what’s good for the child.”
This can mean choosing who the child can be friends with or isolating the child from other family members.
10) They’re just simply terrifying
If you found your parents to be psychologically terrifying and were afraid to approach them, then you may have experienced emotional abuse growing up.
Your parents may not have hurt you physically, but they always terrified you enough to think that they could, if they wanted to.
Threatening to hurt, screaming, or physical intimidation are also emotionally abusive behaviors.
If they were approachable and instilled a sense of fear in you, they were not helping you to feel safe and secure around them. This type of behavior is classic abuse.
11) They tease you all the time
If your parents teased and made fun of you growing up, they were negatively impacting your emotional health.
Yes, humor is a necessity in a healthy family environment. But never mistake excessive teasing for humor or loving behavior.
You may be being emotionally abused if you’re being teased all the time.
But here’s the key point:
If you’re worried about being teased, you need to become a much stronger person. The best way to do this is by getting angry about being teased.
Check out the short video below about dealing with your anger:
If you are tired of feeling frustrated and angry, it’s time to learn how to embrace your inner beast.
In this free video, you’ll learn how to take hold of your anger and turn it into personal power.
Learn more about embracing your inner beast here.
According to psychotherapist Mayra Mendez: “Individuals exposed to repeated experiences of mockery, humiliation, and demoralizing interactions learn to interact with others in the same way.”
Don’t let the cycle of emotional abuse continue in how you treat others. Take a stand and create a different life for yourself.
12) Neglect
It might not seem like outright emotional abuse, but neglect is also a classic sign of abusive parenting.
The effects of attention deprivation have immense negative impacts.
As a child, you may have felt as if you never mattered. And asking for more attention only resulted in even more neglect.
Mental Health Professional Holly Brown adds:
“This is when you express a need or a viewpoint that’s not endorsed by your parents and you feel discarded as a result. They let you know, through exclusion, that it’s not OK. This can cause you to feel that you are not OK.”
13) Constant comparison to others
Have you always been compared to your other siblings or family members, even other children? This can be a clear sign of emotional abuse.
Comparing you to others and making you feel as if you never quite measured up is not healthy parenting.
Some parents may think that it makes a child more competitive, but the effects are just the opposite.
Brown adds:
“Instead of your parent highlighting your strengths, your weaknesses were brought to the forefront in relation to the supposed virtues of your siblings.
“This is not only painful in terms of self-esteem, but it can also hinder the relationship you could have had with your siblings because it turns it into a rivalry.”
14) Invasion of privacy
If your parents went through your things, phone, or personal writing, they were impacting your emotional wellbeing.
Parents occasionally tend to snoop around their kid’s things or restrict them from locking their doors. But it’s also important to allow children to have their own privacy.
According to licensed marriage and family therapist Lisa Bahar:
“A parent may ‘snoop’ at computers or cell phones or check journals or calendars to find information of the child being ‘sneaky’ or ‘suspicious.
'”
“The parent will accuse a child of being sneaky, projecting on the child their own behavior.”
Invasion of privacy is a seriously painful thing to experience. If done constantly, it certainly counts as emotional abuse.
15) Anxious state
Any parent is bound to experience anxiety from time to time. Parenting is a huge and intimidating responsibility. But constantly being in a nervous and fearful state can wreak havoc on a child’s mental health.
If your parents were always in an anxious state with you, it counts as emotional abuse.
Garner explains:
“If the parent was not able to control their anxiety and leaned on their child to take care of them, they take up space that the child uses for creative play and connection.
“The heightened level of anxiety can also lead to increased levels of cortisol in the child, which has been shown to cause health-related problems later in life.”
After all, it’s a parent’s main responsibility to provide emotional security for their child as well.
How to break free from toxic family relationships
Do your parents help you to grow and evolve in life? Or do they want you to be a sheep, subservient to their wishes and desires?
I know the pain of having negative and abusive relationships.
However, if there are people trying to manipulate you — even if they don’t intend to — it’s essential to learn how to stand up for yourself.
Because you do have a choice to end this cycle of pain and misery.
When it comes to relationships with family and toxic patterns, you might be surprised to hear that there’s one very important connection you’ve probably been overlooking:
The relationship you have with yourself.
I learned about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his incredible video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.
And once you start doing that, there’s no telling how much happiness and fulfillment you can find within yourself and in your relationships with your family.
He uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but he’s experienced the same problems in love and family relationships as you and I have.
His conclusion?
Healing and real change needs to start within. Only then can we improve the relationships we have with others, and avoid passing down the abuse we’ve experienced in the past.
So if you’re tired of your relationships never working out, of feeling undervalued, unappreciated, or unloved by your parents, make the change today and cultivate the love and respect you know you deserve.
Click here to watch the free video.
The impact of an emotionally abusive parent
Emotional and psychological abuse can have a lasting effect on children.
The American Psychological Associate reports that:
“Children who are emotionally abused and neglected face similar and sometimes worse mental health problems as children who are physically or sexually abused, yet psychological abuse is rarely addressed in prevention programs or in treating victims.
”
So what exactly are the impacts of emotional abuse from parents? Read below.
1) Adult anxiety
Uncertain environments like this cause stress and anxiety in children, which tend to stay with them well into adulthood.
Garner says:
“If your parent was overly anxious and always asking for you to help them or take care of them or their needs, the child inherits a piece of that anxiety.
“This higher level of stress while growing up causes changes in the body and brain, and can have long-term effects on health.”
2) Co-dependency
Dr. Mai Stafford, of the Medical Research Council at UCL, says that while good parenting can give you a sense of security, bad parenting can result in being too dependent:
She explains:
“Parents also give us a stable base from which to explore the world while warmth and responsiveness have been shown to promote social and emotional development.
“By contrast, psychological control can limit a child’s independence and leave them less able to regulate their own behavior.
”
3) Introversion
Being restricted since childhood can lead to introversion as you grow older. A lack of social experience can lead someone to be scared of social interactions.
As such, children of emotionally abusive children tend to prefer being by themselves. They have few friends if any. And they have trouble forming new relationships.
4) Inability to develop healthy and loving relationships
Our formative years are important because they shape the social and emotional skills we require in adulthood.
For victims of emotional abuse, a lack of a loving influence, especially a parent, makes a distorted sense of love.
According to parenthood counselor Elly Taylore:
“From a counseling perspective, the way emotional abuse would show up between couples was when one partner would seek comfort from the other, but not be able to trust it, so instead of the comfort being soothing when they got it, it would actually increase the person’s anxiety and they would then push the partner away… and then seek comfort again.
“This is the adult version of the parent/child dynamic that occurs when as a child, a caregiver is also a scary person.”
5) Attention-seeking behavior
Being ignored throughout your whole childhood can lead you to become an attention-seeker. This is a result of emotional deprivation.
According to research from the University of Toronto:
“Emotions are often expressed as physical symptoms in order to justify suffering or to seek attention.”
“Emotional deprivation is the deprivation suffered by children when their parents fail to provide the normal experiences that would produce feelings of being loved, wanted, secure, and worthy.”
Breaking the cycle of emotional abuse
Because psychological abuse typically centers on discrediting, isolating, and/or silencing the victim, many victims end up feeling trapped in a vicious cycle.
Generally, that cycle looks like this:
The victim feels too wounded to pursue the relationship any longer while being too afraid to do anything about it, so the abuser continues or worsens the abuse until something breaks.
Unfortunately, that’s usually the child’s heart.
They say, “Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you,” and that’s totally wrong.
Words do hurt, and their weight can leave a lasting imprint on our psyche.
Whether short-term or otherwise, the damage caused by parental emotional abuse is something most never fully recover from.
It’s natural to hope you’re wrong and to try to see your parents as flawless people.
After all, they made you so they can’t be all that bad, right? True, but living in denial can wreak havoc on your life and relationships in the future. Adults who are abused or neglected by their parents as children feel just as heartbroken.
A lot of people assume that abused kids will grow up to be abusive adults but that’s not always the case, especially when treatment is sought in time.
However, children who experience emotional mistreatment from their parents usually end up in toxic relationships or situations as grownups.
The cycle seldom ends well, and for some, it can even lead to major health problems such as:
- Obesity
- Substance abuse
- Heart disease
- Migraines
- Mental health issues
In rare cases, psychological abuse can also lead to post-traumatic stress disorder. The condition is curable with therapy but it’s so severe that it interferes with your day-to-day life and has its own unique side effects, including but not limited to the following:
- Outbursts
- Rage
- Contempt
- Jumpiness
- Negativity
- Clinginess or isolation
- Flashbacks
If you or someone you love is suffering from the short-term or long-term side effects of prolonged emotional abuse, seek professional help as soon as possible to prevent further psychological damage.
You should never feel ashamed of seeking therapy.
Had your parents sought help for themselves, we’d be talking about something else right now.
Dealing with denial
Knowing what emotional abuse really means and being able to see the signs is a great way to stop the cycle, but it’s impossible to get to that point when you’re in denial about your parent(s).
I get it; nobody wants to think of their mom or dad as an abusive monster.
It’s perfectly normal to see only the good in those you love. However, long-term denial of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse can lead to some awfully bad things, including but not always limited to:
- Co-dependency
Psychological control significantly limits a person’s ability to recognize, evaluate, or regulate their own emotions.
- Introversion
The lack of appropriate social interaction can lead to unnatural fears and problems with making friends and/or maintaining relationships.
- Intimacy problems
Victims of emotional abuse have a hard time believing in or accepting genuine affection because of their distorted view of what love is (and isn’t).
- Attention-seeking behavior
Being ignored by a caretaker can lead to emotional debt which causes more intense expressions of self in order to get needed validation.
Denial can be an ugly thing. It will have you getting abused for years without even batting an eye. It will make you move mountains in an effort to be good enough but you will never get to the top.
But permissiveness of bad habits is the quickest way to make things worse. Whether dealing with denial of parental abuse or marital problems, it’s important to confront the problem head-on before they get out of control.
Common reasons parents emotionally abuse their children
Abuse of any kind is never okay. But sometimes, understanding why our parents act the way they do helps us heal. I know that when I started seeing my mother and father as flawed people, I was able to forgive them for some of their mistakes. Basically, it came down to poor parenting skills and both of my folks had that problem.
In 2018, it was reported that more than 55,000 American children were victims of emotional cruelty. The reasons for the abuse vary about as widely as the severity of each case, but here are the most common factors that contribute:
- Parental depression
- Mental illness
- Aging
- Substance abuse
- Relationship drama
- Absent co-parent
- Domestic violence
- Disability
- Poverty
- No support
- Inadequate legislation
- Poor childcare options
Emotionally abusive parents may have their own reasons for being cruel but that doesn’t justify their terrifying behavior. Nobody should ever experience that type of trauma because it leaves scars that nobody can see.
The truth is: your folks won’t change unless they’re ready to and you can’t heal until you’ve processed the pain.
As Laura Endicott Thomas, author of Don’t Feed the Narcissists, says:
“A lot of parents abuse their children physically and emotionally because they have poor parenting skills.
They do not know how to get children to behave, and they resort to aggression out of frustration.”
Step towards healing
Emotional abuse is something anyone should never experience, especially from a parent. Parents are supposed to love you and care for you.
Emotional abuse coming from such an important person in our lives will never be right and can never be justified.
The truth is, if they want to change, they will seek help. No one can convince them otherwise. And there is nothing you can do to change them if they don’t want to take the steps themselves.
If you are a victim of emotionally abusive parents, it’s important to take a step towards healing.
That’s why I always recommend the Love and Intimacy video by Rudá Iandê. For healing to begin, believe it or not, you need to start with yourself first.
This way, no matter whether you get closure from your parents or not, you’ll have the inner strength and self-love to overcome your painful childhood.
You can never change the past and it will always stay with you. But you can choose to do better for yourself, build a better life, and forge loving relationships.
Click here to watch the free video.
Remember: your parents do not define you. You have the complete power to create a good life for yourself.
ADVERTISEMENT
Relationship coaching - done online
Find a coach from Relationship Hero’s network of coaches and finally achieve your relationship goals. Take a quiz, get matched, and start getting support via phone or video sessions. Affordable pricing + discounts available.
Am I Being Emotionally Abused by My Parents? 6 Signs and Getting Help
- Emotional abuse can manifest in many ways including intimidation and comparing you to others.
- Other types of emotional abuse, like neglect, may happen if the parent has a mental health condition.
- Parental emotional abuse can cause long-lasting damage to a child's mental and physical health.
Emotional abuse is the most common form of child mistreatment. About 36% of the adult population reports experiencing emotional abuse during childhood, typically from parents or caregivers.
Emotional abuse describes a pattern of behavior that damages your self-worth or sense of emotional safety, including constant criticism, threats, rejection, name-calling, or withholding of love and support.
However, there's a big difference between having a normal argument with a parent and emotional abuse, says Lauren Kerwin, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice.
In a healthy argument, your parent can disagree with you while still allowing you to feel heard and respected. The situation can become abusive if your parent invalidates or discounts your feelings.
"When a parent is chronically emotionally invalidating — by shaming, criticizing, insulting, or mocking their child — the child feels constantly judged and inadequate and ends up developing a whole host of negative beliefs about themselves," adds Kerwin.
"Their shame can easily turn into borderline personality disorder (BPD), substance abuse, suicidal ideation, and other worrisome mental health issues."
Note: Most perpetrators of emotional abuse are parents: about 53.7% are women, and 45.3% are men. Boys and girls experience similar rates of childhood abuse. Kerwin notes that emotional abuse tends to happen more in households where at least one parent has a mental health disorder or substance abuse issues.
Remember: Emotional abuse doesn't only happen during childhood. People can experience it at any age and in the context of any kind of relationship, including with romantic partners. Regardless, the important thing to emphasize is that it's not your fault, and you don't deserve to be treated this way.
Below, experts share some signs of parental emotional abuse to look out for, plus some guidance on how to cope.
1. They always come first
It's important for parents to take care of themselves — after all, they can only properly care for their children if their own physical, mental, and emotional needs are met.
Still, when a parent constantly prioritizes their needs above a child's, that can manifest into abuse over time, especially when the child is too young to have the resources to take care of themselves, says Tara Krueger, PsyD, national director of Family Therapy Services, Newport Healthcare.
Some examples of this parental behavior include:
- Frequently leaving young children at home without a caretaker in order to go on dates.
- Guilt-tripping a child or teen into staying home with them instead of seeing friends because they're lonely.
Ideally, a parent would make sure they have a babysitter in place before scheduling social plans or find another healthy way to deal with their loneliness like calling a friend rather than relying solely on their child for emotional support.
People who have children at a young age may not be emotionally equipped for parenting and therefore may be more prone to emotionally abusing them.
However, it could also be a sign of a personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder, says Krueger.
Kerwin also notes that a parent with autism can have trouble perceiving their child's needs and putting them first, and not even realize they're neglecting them in some way.
2. They isolate you
Isolation is a form of emotional abuse often used to gain control by severing ties to other friends, family members, and loved ones, according to Krueger.
"By cutting children off from others, it could prevent them from developing social skills and from reaching out for help," she says.
According to Kerwin, some common signs your parent is trying to isolate you are:
- They actively try to discourage you from having relationships with other family members.
- They constantly come up with excuses as for why you can't see friends.
- They take direct actions to restrict your communication with other people.
- They arbitrarily and frequently lock you in your room for unpredictable amounts of time.
Kerwin notes that abusive isolation is different from, say, grounding a teenager for a week as a consequence for engaging in harmful behavior like abusing substances at a party.
Note: Kerwin says younger children — especially under the age of 3 — are more vulnerable to emotional abuse than older teens and adults — but anyone can experience it, including adults.
3. They intimidate you
"Intimidation can be an extreme form of emotional abuse, as it causes the victim to feel powerless, hopeless, and scared," says Krueger.
This behavior can take many different forms. A parent might have unpredictable emotional outbursts when you try to confront them about something, leaving you feeling unsafe to express your feelings and concerns. They might yell, scream, and swear at you, call you names, or even throw things when you disagree with them.
According to Krueger, poor emotional regulation, a lack of empathy, and a high need for control can cause a parent to resort to intimidation. She adds that people with borderline personality disorder may use intimidation as a desperate attempt to keep their children from abandoning them — for example, by threatening to never speak to you again if you hang up the phone or leave the house.
Emotional abuse like this can have ever-lasting effects on the child. For example, a 2021 study of university students found that of all the possible types of mistreatment, emotional abuse was associated with the highest incidence rates of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms.
4. They withhold affection
Emotional abuse can be harder to identify than physical abuse. Like, in some cases, it isn't marked by what a parent is doing but rather by what they're not doing.
They may intentionally withhold affection as a means of influencing your behavior. According to Krueger, this can mean purposefully avoiding hugs, saying "I love you", and offering verbal praise.
For example, when a parent gives you the cold shoulder after you tell them you can't come home for the holidays, or after you express an opinion that opposes theirs. This form of passive aggressive behavior sends the message that their love is conditional: only when you please them will they express their affection for you.
Krueger says this kind of abuse can lead you to constantly seek out their approval in order to get the affection you need.
"Adults who withhold affection may also have experienced abuse as a child," says Krueger. "This behavior may have been modeled for them and become a template for how to parent their own children."
5. They neglect you
Neglect is one of the most common forms of child emotional abuse. When a parent fails to meet a child's basic needs — like food, clothing, sleep, hygiene, and medical attention — that's considered neglect, says Krueger.
Important: The CDC estimates children living in poverty are five times more likely to experience abuse.
However, just because a child is living in poverty doesn't mean the parents are guilty of neglect. Neglect occurs when the parent doesn't use the resources available to them to care for their child, and therefore jeopardizes their health or safety.
Emotional neglect may entail:
- Failing to give caring or loving responses when a child is suffering or ignoring them and reaches out for support.
- Failing to provide psychological care for the child.
- Allowing the child to use alcohol and drugs.
Neglect can be incredibly detrimental to your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. A 2015 review found that emotional abuse during childhood is linked to poor immune system response and overall health in adulthood.
This abuse can also stunt the development of a child's brain, thus leading to psychological problems and potentially triggering to high-risk behaviors. That may help explain why children and teens who are abused by caregivers are also more likely to become involved in criminal activity.
Very often, Krueger says parental neglect is a sign of a serious mental illness, like a mood disorder or substance use disorder, which compromises the parent's judgment or ability to meet their child's needs. In other words, a parent may simply be physically or psychologically unable to care for a child.
6. They compare you to others
Comparison is a natural human instinct — in the same way that a child may notice how their parents are a lot stricter than their friends, a parent may notice that another couple's child is far more well-behaved.
However, as soon as your parent begins verbalizing these comparisons out loud to you, it can soon become abusive.
For example, they might say: "Why can't you be more like [friend's name]?" or "Your cousin doesn't have any trouble finishing their homework, I don't know why it's so hard for you."
Or in households with more than one child, a parent may compare you to a sibling, says Kerwin. This can leave you feeling inferior to and even resentful of your brother or sister, increasing rivalry and damaging that relationship, as well.
There's a good chance your parent isn't comparing you to others to deliberately hurt you, but rather, in an attempt to motivate you to behave in a particular way that's more pleasing to them.
Regardless of the intention, though, it can, "create short-term impacts such as anger and embarrassment, and even long-term impacts including diminished self-esteem and lack of trust in others," says Krueger.
A 2016 study found that emotional abuse is linked to a higher risk of many different kinds of mental disorders including mood disorders, anxiety disorders, personality disorders, and substance use disorders.
A healthier way to motivate you would be to simply express whatever change they'd like to see without measuring you against someone else.
How to get help
If you think you've been emotionally abused by your parents, remember that you are not alone — and there are a number of resources you can use to get help.
Kerwin recommends that minors consider talking to a trusted adult — like a guidance counselor or teacher — about what they're experiencing at home.
A trained staff member may be able to get the child additional support services, like a child or family psychologist, to ensure their safety and well-being.
Krueger notes that crisis text lines can be a great option for adolescents, teens, and adults who have their own cell phones. Some hotlines you can reach out to include:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE or text "START" to 88788, or use the online chat feature for free and confidential support 24/7.
- Love Is Respect: Teens and young adults can call 1-866-331-9474, text "LOVEIS" to 22522, or use the online chat feature to seek advice and support from advocates.
- National Child Abuse Hotline: Call or text 1-800-422-4453 to report abuse and/or get assistance finding free help and support in your area.
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Hotline: Call 1-800-950-NAMI, text "NAMI" to 741-741, or utilize the online chat feature on the NAMI website to connect with a trained crisis counselor.
Also, if you're independent and able, Krueger highly recommends seeking a licensed therapist, who can help you work through any trauma caused by the abuse.
"For adults who are still suffering the effects, therapy can assist in working through resentments and understanding how their current relationships may be impacted by unresolved pain from their past," she says.
Best online therapy providers
iStock; Gilbert Espinoza/InsiderTeletherapy is an accessible way to work with licensed mental health professionals, which we recommend in our guides to the best online therapy providers and free online therapy resources.
- Best for full access to a self-selected therapist: BetterHelp, from $60 per week
- Best for limited access to an assigned therapist, covered by insurance: TalkSpace, from $65 per week
- Best for cheap online therapy and self-guided work: Online-Therapy.
com, from $31.96 per week
Insider's takeaway
Remember: There's nothing you could ever do to deserve being emotionally abused — especially by a parent, who's supposed to protect you, nurture you, and provide a safe environment for you to express your needs.
There are many potential reasons why a parent might resort to emotional abuse, including if they're dealing with mental health conditions, substance use problems, or they're not emotionally ready to be a parent.
Regardless of the reason or what they're going through, this mistreatment is never your fault and can be extremely dangerous for your short and long-term mental and physical health.
If any of the above signs sound familiar or you suspect that a parent may be abusing you, consider reaching out for help. Children might try talking with a trusted adult at school, while teens and adults can contact a therapist or domestic violence or crisis hotline.
Rebecca Strong
Rebecca Strong is a Boston-based freelance writer covering health and wellness, food and wine, fitness, and travel.
In addition to contributing to the Health Reference and Kitchen verticals at Insider, she has also written for Healthline, Health magazine, Bustle, StyleCaster, PopSugar, AskMen, and Elite Daily. You can follow her work on Twitter.
Read moreRead less
We may receive a commission when you buy through our links, but our reporting and recommendations are always independent and objective.
How to protect yourself from emotional abuse from parents
July 20, 2017 Relationships
Violence is not only bruises and bumps. Psychological abuse also leaves marks on the social, emotional and mental development of the child.
Share
0How to understand that you are experiencing emotional abuse
Many parents do not realize that their behavior hurts the child. They may not know how to behave differently, or they may even think they are doing you a favor. However, they can be recognized by some features.
Your parents belittle you
They may try to pass it off as a joke, but there is nothing funny about it. If your parents often laugh at you, publicly belittle you, dismiss your opinions and problems, tell you that you are a failure and can never do anything right, then you are in a situation of emotional abuse.
Parents control your every move
Behavior such as parents constantly trying to control you, getting angry if you make your own decisions, or denying your right to independence is also an indicator of emotional abuse. Moreover, it may seem to them that they are simply fulfilling their parental duty.
Parents blame you for all the troubles
Some parents blame their children for all their problems, refusing to take responsibility for their lives and feelings. If you are told that it was your fault that your parents had to leave your career, or that your parents got divorced because of you, this is also a form of emotional abuse.
Parents ignore you
Another sign of is a parental boycott when they stop talking to you if you offended them in some way, are not interested in your feelings and needs, or try to shift the blame for their neglect to you. Love and attention should not be a bargaining chip.
Parents always put their interests ahead of yours
Narcissistic parents often see their child only as an extension of themselves. They try to manipulate him to do what seems right to them, without thinking about what is important for the child himself, and get upset if you do not meet their expectations.
Coping with Emotional Abuse
Create Distance Between Yourself and Your Parents
- Don't let your parents use guilt to make you listen to insults. When they start yelling and humiliating you, leave. If you live together, go to your room or to one of your friends. If you live separately, stop calling and coming. If you still want to maintain a relationship, set boundaries right away.
Say, "I'll call once a week, but I'll hang up if you start insulting me." And do not forget that you should not make excuses or respond to hurtful words. - Try not to depend on your parents for anything. Make your own friends, earn your own money, and move as soon as you can. If during your studies you cannot do without material support, be sure to mark the boundaries in the relationship.
- If emotional abuse continues after you have grown up and live separately, cut ties. You do not have to maintain relationships with those who hurt you. And you don't have to explain to others why you no longer communicate with your parents. If you fear missing out on reconciliation, ask yourself if your parents show any signs that they are willing to listen to you and understand your feelings. If not, better stop talking.
Take care of yourself
- Notice what words and actions anger your parents and avoid them.
For example, if they always belittle your accomplishments, don't tell them about your accomplishments. Share with someone who will rejoice and support you. - Find a place where you feel safe. This could be your room, a public library, or a friend's apartment. The main thing is that you can go there when you need to calm down and recover.
- Plan what to do in case of an emergency. Just because until now violence has not been physical does not mean that it will never come to that. Think in advance where you can go in this case, who to contact for help, what things you will need to carry with you, what legal actions you can take.
- Spend time with those who support you. People who have been emotionally abused often have a negative attitude towards themselves. To overcome it, spend more time with those who respect and support you, do something that is good for you. For example, join a sports team or club.
This will increase self-esteem and make it possible to spend less time at home. - Learn to control stress. Emotional abuse can lead to serious problems, including depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. Try to find techniques to help you calm down. Try meditation, breathing exercises, or yoga.
- Find positive qualities in yourself and develop them. Do not believe insults and ridicule - you are worthy of love, respect and care. Think about the qualities you like about yourself. Maybe you are smart, generous, or a good listener. Remind yourself of these qualities and find an activity that will develop them.
Get help
Emotional abuse often includes the suggestion that no one cares about you, that no one will believe you or take you seriously. Don't let yourself be intimidated. Think about who you trust and ask that person for help. It could be a friend, relative, teacher. If you find it difficult to talk about it out loud, describe your situation in writing.
If there is no one to share with, call the helpline. In Russia, there is a children's helpline created by the Children's Support Fund, - 8-800-200-01-22.
Do not be afraid to seek professional help from a psychotherapist or psychologist. It is very difficult to get rid of low self-esteem and negative thought patterns that arise due to emotional abuse on your own, and a specialist will help you understand how to act in your situation. Psychologists are available in most educational institutions, but you can also look for one who specializes in helping with psychological abuse.
Best offers
Black Friday and other promotions: when and where you can get the necessary goods
Profit: Columbia winter jacket with a 24% discount
AliExpress Finds: the most interesting and useful products
Useful kitchen gadgets: 10 discounted items in honor of Black Friday
What to give mom for the New Year
Price of the day: Xiaomi 11T Pro for only 25,443 rubles
Best deals of the week: discounts from AliExpress, re:Store, Urban Vibes and other stores
If the partner does not beat, but deprives the will.
7 Ways to Recognize Psychological Abuse Moral abuse is an even more subtle topic than physical abuse. The partner does not drink, does not raise his hand to you, but deprives you of the will psychologically.
With the recognition of physical violence, everything is more or less clear to modern people. Thanks to the educational work of psychologists, it is no longer a secret that violence is not necessarily sexual coercion or beatings. Keep a person at home when he wants to leave or, on the contrary, not let him in when he wants to go home; taking away keys, phone, documents or money to make it difficult for him to move around is also physical abuse. Yelling or hitting a wall/table to break your will during an outbreak of conflict is physical abuse, even if no one has even touched you (yet). An abusive partner intuitively argues very simply: rough physical actions in your presence, in front of your eyes, frighten you and paralyze your will.
Finished reading here
But what about moral violence? There is no noise, no destruction. No punches, no slaps. No broken things, no other people's letters read without permission. How to recognize him? Let's look at the types of psychological abuse.
Let's start with the harmless. Hearing that you don't want to visit his parents again this weekend, your partner silently draws a face. The look was covered with frost, lips in a thread. He says OK. But his voice! It's like he just wrote you a ticket. Clearly, guests cannot be canceled (you guessed it).
2. Partially ignored. Filter questions according to your goals. If you cut a pancake cake, then it is striped on the cut. It also looks like "on the cut" communication with a moral abuser.
Some answers are successful, others are not.
— How about Friday? I missed.
— Yes, dear!
— And who is Masha Hibiscus, does she flirt with you on Facebook?
He does not answer.
— Honey, what do you want for dinner?
- Please bake my favorite sea bass with lemon and rosemary.
— Hey, why do you talk on the phone from the bathroom in the evenings with the shower on? Do you have someone?
He does not answer.
You can, of course, go for broke, wait for the meeting and ask: why do you skip uncomfortable questions? In such cases, moral rapists have other tricks.
3. Stare without comment. This is when he is Boa Kaa, and you ... you yourself understand who.
- Dear, we could reschedule the trip out of town, I absolutely need to get to this conference for work.
In response, he looks at you without looking away.
- Did I ask something wrong?
Without blinking, he continues to pierce the bridge of your nose with his eyes.
You got scared and your question disappeared somewhere. Then, when you ask: “Are you not happy that I refused that conference, because you were so against it ...”, he will say with a yawn: “I was against it? Stop blaming me for your own mistakes.
" And he will be right. He didn't say he was against it. He just looked between your eyes. By the way, try to squeal that he somehow looked wrong. He will say: “Did I watch? I stood with my back to you and mixed Cointreau with a martini. Perhaps you drank too much that evening? And it's already called...
4. Gaslighting. Detective film "Gas Light" in 1948 about how a young wife became a hostage to her husband's criminal goals. He made her look crazy in the eyes of her relatives, and most importantly, made her doubt her own sanity. Gaslighting refers to the intentional "madness" of another person. The gaslighter deliberately asserts and even "proves" that the victim's psyche is flawed and cannot be relied upon. And the victim believes. Your friend does small things (like lying a little all the time) or even some big things (spending the general money on his personal climbing equipment, blackmailing you into having an abortion, or sleeping with your girlfriend).
And then he says one of the phrases: “What is wrong with you?”, “Are you in a bad mood?”, “It’s not true, we agreed”, “You yourself wanted this”, “Oh, are you starting again?”, “I don’t meant it”, “You misunderstood me”, “It never happened”. In romantic relationships, gaslighters use the universal property of falling in love - regression. Are you in love and feel like a little child? So nice to submit to a wise and charismatic friend? Let him do as he sees fit, to dissolve in it - a pleasure? If your man is strong and mature, he will thank you for your trust and will only love you more. If you are dealing with a moral abuser, waking up from love, you will find yourself in a relationship where you decide nothing and where everything is against you if you do not agree with it. And to the question "why is everything so?" He will say: "You yourself wanted this." And he will be right.
5. Blackmail, shame or guilt and seduction.
Your friend reports that because of a missed visit to the family nest, mom has a bad heart, dad tore his meniscus while running to the pharmacy, and he is now so upset that he doubts the prospects of your relationship. (as usual, he looks down the bridge of your nose). In this example, the whole “package” is visible: the manipulation of guilt, an attempt to shame / scare you, blackmail by breaking up a relationship. If you come to your senses and immediately promise everything that you refused yesterday, he will immediately become nice and make amends with affection, sex or a walk in your favorite park.
6. Ignoring, disappearing for the purpose of punishment. The once-famous pediatrician Benjamin Spock did not recommend going in at night to a crying baby so that he "understood" that good babies sleep at night, and do not cry. At the same time, another doctor, John Bowlby, with numbers in his hands, proved that the baby, again and again experiencing the inability to call on his mother, plunges into "anaclitic depression", from which he can even die despite complete care.
We also experience a weak solution of infantile horror-despair when a dear person disappears “from the radar” without any comments. Moral abusers intuitively use this tool to intimidate their partners: “Nice girls don’t ask their lover uncomfortable questions about flirting and phone calls from the bathroom. Twitch, sort out our quarrel on the personnel. Find the mistake, guess where you were wrong. And the day after tomorrow, perhaps, I will forgive you.”
7. He is actually the victim. Remember that Sunday when you didn't want to go to visit, and he heavily hinted that he would leave you? If one day you risk outplaying him and immediately react with blackmail for blackmail, you will be amazed at the enchanting metamorphosis. Say: “Darling, I get so upset when they put pressure on me that I don’t even know what the prospects for our relationship are ...” - here you need to look at him for a long time between the eyebrows.
I know a story when yesterday's moral rapist cried for two weeks without a break and littered all the messengers of his girlfriend with pleas to forgive him. It turned out he was unaware of her discomfort. When blackmail stops working, and seduction is inappropriate, he presses on pity. You soften and everything starts again.
The core of any violence is the object manipulation of another person. Even wrapped in politeness, seduction or cunning, violence betrays itself according to the main feature - in a relationship you are an object, not a subject, not a person, not a person with his own feelings and will. And they treat you like an object: they manipulate you functionally, sorting through different techniques, looking for master keys. If you are malleable, use soft tricks. If soft ones are not effective, use pressure.
Very often a partner prone to psychological violence alternates aggression with seduction.
