Affair over now what

When an Affair Ends Abruptly: Your Next Steps

Taking mindful steps for self-care and deliberate steps with your primary partner can help to move beyond an affair.

Most affairs are a flurry of passion, secrecy, and blitzing momentum. So when all of that energy suddenly stops due to being caught, someone’s conscience or mismatched desire, one or both people can feel bewildered at what to do with all their emotions.

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, an estimated 25% of men and 15% of women engage in intercourse with someone outside their spouse. Affairs of emotional or physical relations without intercourse increase these numbers by 20%.

While affairs vary in duration, the majority ultimately come to an end at some point — which can trigger many emotions.

Feeling depressed once an affair ends isn’t unusual.

“It is [typical] for individuals to experience a sense of loss and sadness, especially if the breakup was unexpected,” explains Parisa Ghanbari, a registered psychotherapist in Toronto, Canada.

“Just like when a [monogomous] relationship ends, ending an affair can be shocking and heartbreaking,” she adds.

As such, “for the first few months, it is [understandable] for one to emotionally grieve, miss their partner, and even feel angry if they did not make the decision to end it,” Ghanbari shares.

It’s OK if you feel other emotions, too.

“It’s also possible to feel some relief that the affair is over since it implies an end to the anxiety that often accompanies secrecy and deception,” says Afshan Mohamedali, a licensed clinical psychologist in New York.

Though we sometimes wish otherwise, we can’t switch feelings on and off.

“Like any relationship, the amount of time it takes to ‘get over’ an affair varies,” Mohamedali explains.

However, in some instances, the time it takes for emotions to subside is longer than the affair itself.

“It usually takes six months to one year to emotionally bounce back,” Ghanbari says. “If one is taking longer [than this] to recover, it is possible that she or he is dealing with complicated grief. ”

For the sake of all involved, it’s essential to move on and put the outside relationship behind you. But how can you effectively do this? You may consider:

Turning to loved ones

“Reaching out to friends and leaning on their emotional support post-breakup can help,” Ghanbari says.

Talking about your feelings and getting advice from family and friends is about more than just the act of conversation. Research from 2015 shows the emotional support an inner circle provides contributes to lower levels of distress.

Being accountable

Taking responsibility for what’s happened can be uncomfortable, but doing so is vital.

“Taking accountability for your actions and the consequences they have had is the best way to move forward,” Mohamedali notes. “With honesty comes the chance to receive forgiveness, including from yourself.”

Considering the ‘why’

Recognizing the driving factors behind why you entered the affair will enable you to address any issues, either individually or within your primary relationship, and move forward more mindfully.

Mohamedali suggests asking self-queries to help you understand your actions. For example:

What purpose did the infidelity serve for me at that moment in time?
How did I feel when I was with the other person?
How can I find mindful ways to feel that way again?

Following the 10-10-10 rule

The “10-10-10 rule” — made popular by the author and journalist Suzy Welch — involves asking yourself what the consequences of your action(s) will be in the next:

10 minutes
10 months
10 years

“Applying [the 10-10-10 rule] may help one to regulate the immediate overwhelming, painful emotions that come after the affair,” Ghanbari explains. “It helps one to reframe the situation and think more rationally and clearly.”

Moving past the guilt

It’s understandable to feel guilty about your actions and their negative impact on others.

However, it’s key to understand that “prolonged guilt won’t help you move forward or motivate you to make the changes you hope to make,” reveals Mohamedali.

Seeking professional help

“There is a lot to make sense of as an affair comes to an end, and you [may] make efforts to recommit to your relationship and yourself,” Mohamedali notes.

Speaking with a therapist or counselor can help you sort out “seemingly conflicting thoughts and feelings,” she adds.

Sex therapists have specialized training in issues of:

affairs
betrayal trauma
relationship concerns

Just because you had an affair may not mean you don’t love your partner and want to make your primary relationship work. If you both choose to, together you can get things back on track with time, effort, compassion, and understanding.

To aid in achieving this, Mohamedali shares a few crucial approaches:

Patience is key. “Be mindful that acceptance and trust take time to rebuild.”
Prepare for change. “Accept that the relationship you are recommitting yourself to might not be the same and that it’s alright if it’s changed. ”
Be more transparent. “Your partner is likely sensitive to secrecy and prone to suspicion. That’s [typical].”
Appreciate each other. “Remember that every day is a decision to be together.”
Consider couples therapy. This provides “a neutral and safe space to voice your thoughts, process the past, and hear each other’s pain.”

Just like monogamous relationships, affairs can take an emotional toll when they end.

Whether or not you’re returning to your primary relationship, working through your feelings and actions is essential to closing the door on an affair and helping prevent further distress.

Receiving support from friends, taking accountability, and letting go of guilt are all steps that can aid in going forward — and don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you’re finding healing more of a challenge.

When an Affair Ends Abruptly: Your Next Steps

Taking mindful steps for self-care and deliberate steps with your primary partner can help to move beyond an affair.

While affairs vary in duration, the majority ultimately come to an end at some point — which can trigger many emotions.

Feeling depressed once an affair ends isn’t unusual.

“It is [typical] for individuals to experience a sense of loss and sadness, especially if the breakup was unexpected,” explains Parisa Ghanbari, a registered psychotherapist in Toronto, Canada.

“Just like when a [monogomous] relationship ends, ending an affair can be shocking and heartbreaking,” she adds.

As such, “for the first few months, it is [understandable] for one to emotionally grieve, miss their partner, and even feel angry if they did not make the decision to end it,” Ghanbari shares.

It’s OK if you feel other emotions, too.

Though we sometimes wish otherwise, we can’t switch feelings on and off.

“Like any relationship, the amount of time it takes to ‘get over’ an affair varies,” Mohamedali explains.

However, in some instances, the time it takes for emotions to subside is longer than the affair itself.

For the sake of all involved, it’s essential to move on and put the outside relationship behind you. But how can you effectively do this? You may consider:

Turning to loved ones

“Reaching out to friends and leaning on their emotional support post-breakup can help,” Ghanbari says.

Being accountable

Taking responsibility for what’s happened can be uncomfortable, but doing so is vital.

Considering the ‘why’

Recognizing the driving factors behind why you entered the affair will enable you to address any issues, either individually or within your primary relationship, and move forward more mindfully.

Mohamedali suggests asking self-queries to help you understand your actions. For example:

What purpose did the infidelity serve for me at that moment in time?
How did I feel when I was with the other person?
How can I find mindful ways to feel that way again?

Following the 10-10-10 rule

The “10-10-10 rule” — made popular by the author and journalist Suzy Welch — involves asking yourself what the consequences of your action(s) will be in the next:

10 minutes
10 months
10 years

Moving past the guilt

It’s understandable to feel guilty about your actions and their negative impact on others.

However, it’s key to understand that “prolonged guilt won’t help you move forward or motivate you to make the changes you hope to make,” reveals Mohamedali.

Seeking professional help

“There is a lot to make sense of as an affair comes to an end, and you [may] make efforts to recommit to your relationship and yourself,” Mohamedali notes.

Speaking with a therapist or counselor can help you sort out “seemingly conflicting thoughts and feelings,” she adds.

Sex therapists have specialized training in issues of:

affairs
betrayal trauma
relationship concerns

To aid in achieving this, Mohamedali shares a few crucial approaches:

Patience is key. “Be mindful that acceptance and trust take time to rebuild.”
Prepare for change. “Accept that the relationship you are recommitting yourself to might not be the same and that it’s alright if it’s changed. ”
Be more transparent. “Your partner is likely sensitive to secrecy and prone to suspicion. That’s [typical].”
Appreciate each other. “Remember that every day is a decision to be together.”
Consider couples therapy. This provides “a neutral and safe space to voice your thoughts, process the past, and hear each other’s pain.”

Just like monogamous relationships, affairs can take an emotional toll when they end.

Whether or not you’re returning to your primary relationship, working through your feelings and actions is essential to closing the door on an affair and helping prevent further distress.

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Trial of Vasilevich. "Doesn't sound like an economic thing." – DW – 01/24/2022

Alexander Vasilevich and Nadezhda Zelenkova (archive photo) Photo: Kanaplev + Leydik

Human rightsBelarus

Alexandra Boguslavskaya

January 24, 2022

The trial of the publisher and businessman Alexander Vasilevich began in Minsk. His wife, Nadezhda Zelenkova, spoke to DW about life without a spouse, the charges against him, and expectations from the verdict.

https://p.dw.com/p/460JJ

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For almost a year and a half, co-owner of the Vondel/Hepta advertising agency and Mint Media (Kyky.org and "The Village Belarus") arrest in a pre-trial detention center on Volodarsky Street in Minsk. Only now, on January 24, a trial has begun over him under article 243 part 2 - tax evasion. What exactly Vasilevich was accused of was unknown for a long time - they took a non-disclosure agreement from the lawyers.

Before the start of the trial, DW talked to his wife, Nadezhda Zelenkova, about her husband's arrest and detention in a pre-trial detention center, the essence of the charges, and the fairy tales Alexander writes and sends to his daughter.

Deutsche Welle: Nadezhda, tell us about how Alexander was arrested - did it come as a surprise to you?

Nadezhda Zelenkova: Sasha was arrested at the end of August 2020. On that day, several people were detained, searches were carried out in all the structures associated with his businesses - an advertising agency, a gallery of modern art "Ў" (U neskladovae), a wine bar and Mint Media publishing house. Searches were also carried out in my office, at my house, at my mother's house - I then spent 10 hours in the Department of Financial Investigations of the KGC.

Alexander Vasilevich and Nadezhda Zelenkova (archive photo) Photo: Privat

But everyone was released, leaving only Sasha. He has been in the pre-trial detention center on Volodarsky Street for almost a year and a half, 17 months. During all this time, I myself was a suspect in his criminal case, but recently I received information that I was no longer in it. But the company's accounts are still frozen.

Frankly speaking, if I had known that there would be a second arrest, I would not be in the country, and Sasha too, I would have insisted on leaving. Of course, this was a surprise in the volume and scale of how it happened and how it is happening now. Nobody thought it was possible.

- What did Alexander do in Belarus before his arrest?

- Sasha's main big project, in which he has been involved almost all his life, is the advertising business. He has a network of advertising agencies that serve large clients. This is the main business, Sasha was engaged in it 95% of his time.

There was also a project of the Modern Art Gallery "Ў", which, together with friends, art directors, existed for probably 12 years. Art directors managed it on their own, but when they needed advice or help, they came to Sasha. An addition to the gallery was a wine bar - it was created to support her.

Another business is the publication Kyky.org and "The Village Belarus", which were also independently managed by Sasha Romanova and the editors-in-chief, but they could come to Sasha for advice.

- What is known about the criminal case and charges against Alexander?

- Few details. I know the original accusation because it was shown to me, but I'm signed and can't talk about the details. I can say that any investigative actions with Sasha were carried out extremely rarely over these one and a half years - the number of interrogations can be counted on the fingers of one hand.

- Oleksandr is accused under the economic article of non-payment of taxes. Do you think that the claims of the authorities are really purely economic or is it still a political matter?

- Sasha was recognized as a political prisoner immediately after his arrest. Everything would have been different if Sasha had not been invited to that meeting in the KGB pre-trial detention center with Lukashenka on October 10, 2020. So it doesn't look like it's an economic thing.

I don't have a clear answer why Sasha is being persecuted. I think it was too much in different stories. If you are in the field of culture - there is Sasha, if you are in the media - there is also Sasha. Obviously there is some idea of who he is, how influential he is, and why it is more profitable to keep him in prison than to let him go.

- How does Alexander feel in prison?

- Reads a lot. He answers letters, is engaged in physical education, in which he is making great strides, taking into account the state of his arms and legs. His arm has not been bent for a long time, the ligaments on his leg are torn, while he does more than 1000 push-ups a day, and in general tries to keep himself in shape.

Domestic life takes up a lot of time. He was always in a cell with 12 people, and now he has been transferred to another one with even more. Imagine that 12 people have to brush their teeth - it's all stretched out in time. Making a salad when there are no dishes or knives is also a challenge. A lot of everyday life, reading, sometimes they watch movies on TV, but rarely, only on weekends, and the rest of the time they keep the TV off.

- What is the most difficult thing for you to be separated from your spouse? As far as I know, your daughter was born after Alexander's arrest.

- Yes, my daughter was born after he was arrested, he never saw her, although she is already a year and a half months old. In fact, everything is hard. It's hard to be alone with two kids just after giving birth. It is hard to be constantly uncertain that a person is at least relatively safe. If the prisoners fall ill, then in theory they can receive medical assistance, but it is specific - paracetamol and sometimes permission to lie on the bed, although in principle it is impossible to lie on it during the day. It's hard to imagine how the system works and understand how many friends are inside this hell.

- Tell us about the fairy tales that Alexander writes to his daughters from prison. You even collected them all in an e-book, didn't you?

- I collected this book for his birthday in September, he had already been under arrest for more than a year. He began to write fairy tales to Adele, the eldest daughter. The youngest does not understand yet, he sends her drawings. In fact, only the first part was collected in a book. He sent three more fairy tales that I did not publish, and said that he sent another one.

These fairy tales about a dad and a penguin sitting in a cell in a prison in a fun way explain the basic terms of behavioral economics to a daughter. But fairy tales are different, not all of them are positive and funny. He tells in his own way how he experiences everything that happens to him, and these are not always funny things.

I think I'll collect more fairy tales and publish an update of the book. Of course, I want him to finally go free and do it himself.

- January 24, the trial of Alexander begins. What do you expect from the process?

- I don't build any hopes or plans. Of course, no matter how much we say that we do not hope and do not believe, we hope and believe in our own way. My main wish is that the court proceed quickly.

As for the verdict, the expectations are only those that are spelled out in the article of the Criminal Code: he can be given either 5 years of restriction of liberty, or from 3 to 7 years in prison. What will be the verdict, I do not know and do not want to guess. This decision, I'm afraid, is not even made by the judge.

See also :

A thousand political prisoners: what will force the regime to release them?

To view this video please enable JavaScript, and consider upgrading to a web browser that supports HTML5 video in BelarusThe situation in Belarus after the 2020 electionsBelarus.

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