When people avoid you
Is Someone Avoiding You? This Might Be Why
Do you have someone in your life either personally or professionally who seems to intentionally avoid you, deliberately cuts conversations short, or looks right past you at social events? If so, you might wonder whether you are perceptive or paranoid. But if you have consciously attempted to connect with such a person more than once, you may be correct in your assessment that such behavior does not indicate inadvertence, but avoidance. Selective dismissal is particularly painful when the person, who is not interested in socializing with you, does respond to others.
For many people, the ultimate insult is indifference. Some people still remember the sting of a (former) best friend’s assessment of how important you were to your high school crush: “She/he doesn’t even know you exist.” Ouch. Perceived insignificance adds insult to emotional injury. But when indifference is exhibited by someone who clearly knows you, is there an alternative explanation?
Friendship Material vs. Forbidden Fruit
Your first consideration, as a practical matter, is whether your desire to form a relationship with someone is appropriate. Finding ways to get to know an attractive person who is already in a relationship with someone else is not a healthy venture to pursue—which might account for the resistance you are experiencing. And because I prosecute stalkers for a living, we all recognize that everyone should be sensitive to clues that another person is not interested in their overtures. But in the absence of disqualifying circumstances, why might someone be avoiding only you? Short answer: it might have something to do with what they perceive you want from them.
Romantic Apathy: How Detecting Interest Sparks Avoidance
Dealing with standoffish neighbors and coworkers might be easy to understand as part of the territory or job. Sometimes, however, a person who seems aloof might perceive, correctly or not, that you harbor romantic interest.
Many people avoid others from whom they receive attention or compliments beyond friendly conversation because they are already in a romantic relationship. Others, however, are simply not interested in having one. Many people are perfectly content with their lives, family, and friends, without wanting more—from anyone. These people make great friends and companions, but will intentionally avoid prolonged conversation with or social overtures from people who seem to be pushing for more. Wouldn’t you? Consider how you feel about being asked questions by a coworker that are more personal than professional.
Understanding someone is not rejecting you but simply the idea of a relationship should help you not take it personally. You have not lost your touch, or your looks, or your charm, hopefully only your interest for someone who won’t reciprocate.
When Perception Impacts Reality
Other reasons for selective avoidance stem from perception and evolution.
A study conducted by Pavol Prokop (2013) studied ways in which women engage in behavior designed to facilitate avoiding potential rapists. [I] Not that every man is viewed with suspicion, the research focused on rape avoidance behavior in terms of behavioral strategies women use to avoid coercive men. Acknowledging evolutionary reasoning, Prokop found that women who were physically stronger and women in committed romantic relationships reported more rape avoidance behavior. Interestingly, among other findings, Prokop found that in contradiction to evolutionary predictions, older women reported more rape avoidance behavior than their younger counterparts.
How does this impact social behavior? Obviously, most men are not rapists. Nonetheless, Prokop recognized research documenting how some women reduce exposure to male aggression, including avoiding areas where men are likely to frequent, avoiding men in general, and even practicing “habitat selection” to minimize contact with men.
But there are other explanations for avoidance behavior. Prokop notes that some women may avoid talking to male strangers or even accepting drinks from men they don’t know at a party or club simply because they are married, not as methods of rape avoidance. Accordingly, before men feel unfairly typecast when they are forward, assertive, or just friendly, consider that a lack of receptivity might stem from relational commitment, not criminal stereotyping.
The Attraction of Selective Attention
Just as we perceive selective disinterest, we recognize selective attention. Recognizing the spectrum of explanations for social avoidance, most of which have little to do with you personally, frees up valuable time to pursue healthy relationships with people who demonstrate authentic, selective enthusiasm about spending time with you.
Facebook image: Body Stock/Shutterstock
14 reasons people ignore you (and what to do about it)
Do you sometimes feel invisible and overlooked?
It’s like you put on a cloak of invisibility and people just look right past you.
Except this isn’t Lord of the Rings, and it’s not cool – plus there’s no mountain of gold treasure involved in some epic quest.
Here’s how to figure out why people are ignoring you, and how to fix it.
14 reasons people ignore you (and what to do about it)
1) They can’t relate to your interests and priorities
One of the most common reasons people ignore you is when they simply can’t relate to your interests and priorities.
This is particularly common when you are out of place in a work or social environment where you’re simply not needed or valued in any significant way.
For example, if you’re a brilliant mechanic who helps design engines, but you find yourself at a bar full of bohemian artists with zero interest in engineering, you may notice that your conversations quickly reach a dead end.
On a more serious example, if you are a committed environmentalist working at a company which makes its money from strip mining hills in West Virginia, you may find that you’re mostly ignored apart from your job duties.
Deeper friendships and relationships seem to escape you in this case, and the reason would be obvious:
You’re surrounded by people who, for the most part, simply don’t share your priorities.
They may even think you’re a nice person, but they don’t have all that much interest in getting closer to someone who’s simply on a different wavelength than them.
2) They think you are overly needy or clingy
Another of the top reasons people ignore you is when you are overly needy or clingy.
The vast majority of people love interactions which are voluntary and which they don’t feel obligated into by custom or social convention.
Sadly, even once vibrant marriages and relationships can devolve into tired habit and resentment once they become more about what’s expected than what’s voluntarily given.
On a social level, folks love to be free.
And if they feel that you’re requiring a certain level of attention, validation or time from them, they may just start skipping paying any attention to you altogether.
It hurts, and I’m not saying you deserve this at all!
There are various ways to think about being needy, and it’s not always a bad thing if you relate to it in an honest and authentic way!
Nonetheless, if you have the feeling you might be a bit overly needy, this is definitely an issue worth reflecting on.
3) They lost their desire to be around you or be with you
One of the top reasons people ignore you is when they have decided they no longer want to be around you.
This is particularly hurtful if it is someone you were in a relationship with or dated who decides they no longer have feelings for you.
If this is the situation you’re in, I know exactly how you feel.
I’ve been exactly where you are and it feels awful.
The solution can sometimes be to find a way to move on. But in some cases it’s actually about approaching this in a new way and figuring out how to tap into latent feelings your ex still has…
So how can you get your ex back?
In this situation, there’s only one thing to do – re-spark their romantic interest in you.
I learned about this from relationship coach Brad Browning, who has helped thousands of men and women get their exes back. He goes by the moniker of “the relationship geek”for a very good reason.
In this free video, Browning will show you exactly what you can do to make your ex want you again.
No matter what your situation is — or how badly you’ve messed up since the two of you broke up — he’ll give you a number of useful tips that you can apply immediately.
Here’s a link to his free video again.
If you really want your ex back, this video will help you do this.
4) They find you overly critical and judgmental
I’m a very critical and judgmental person.
In a certain way I own that, it’s who I am and I believe it can have value in various contexts.
Nonetheless, I also understand why it’s driven many people away from me, especially when folks perceived my judgmental attitude as being hypocritical or merely a form of brute egotism.
The fact of the matter is that one of the biggest reasons people ignore you is when they feel that you’re just too critical and down on everyone.
Even if they find some of what you say hilarious or true, they get spooked by the idea of spending too much time around someone who could eventually turn on them.
At its heart, judgment serves a useful and valuable function.
Just as a merchant has to weigh goods to determine their value and a jeweler has to view a gem closely to determine its value, so too certain judgments can be accurate and helpful.
But being overly critical generally comes from one main source: intense insecurity and frustration.
This source makes people ignore you, because they sense that you haven’t yet come to a powerful place in yourself where you can absorb what angers and frustrates you without always expressing it like a child.
5) They find you too arrogant and never admitting mistakes
Another of the most common reasons people ignore you is when you never own up to your mistakes.
You may be an incredible and wonderful person who people love being around, but something about the way you never admit when you’re wrong just drives them nuts.
Don’t get me wrong:
There are people who are way too self-critical and constantly deprecating themselves. They say sorry for speaking one decibel louder than they should.
That’s ridiculous.
But if you’re a person who never apologizes and is constantly thinking that you’re perfect, eventually most people get exhausted.
They simply pass you by and stop inviting you to events and get-togethers. They place you on the “more trouble than he/she is worth” list.
The reason here is simple: you act overly self-righteous even on small things, and they’re done dealing with it.
6) You don’t make a strong impression and come across as apathetic
One of the sadder reasons people ignore you can be when you just don’t make a big impression.
Sure, nobody lik[es a drama queen, but people do want somebody who is memorable and makes an impact on them.
It can hurt even more when the person who seems to be forgetting about you is somebody who used to be romantically involved with you.
As I was mentioning earlier, there are techniques you can do to help get your ex back.
Of course, you can also just improve yourself and hope for the best or that “destiny” helps you out…
But rather than leaving it up to fate to decide, why not take things into your own hands and find a way to get through to your ex?
I mentioned Brad Browning earlier – he’s an expert in relationships and reconciliation.
His practical tips have helped thousands of men and women not only reconnect with their exes but to rebuild the love and commitment they once shared.
If you’d like to do the same, check out his excellent free video here.
7) They find you undependable and dishonest
I hope this list isn’t starting to feel like a comedy roast without the comedy, but it’s always better to be brutally honest than kindly dishonest.
And that’s brings us to this point:
One of the big reasons people ignore you can be when they just don’t find you dependable.
This is especially common if you find that you’re ignored in a professional context by coworkers and colleagues.
They nod and maybe smile, but they don’t seem to offer you opportunities or want to work on projects with you.
Right or wrong, you may have obtained a reputation as being undependable or shifty.
It can take a long time to rebuild, but rest assured that the right people in your life will see your value as you work to overcome negative judgments about you, especially ones that may be unfairly earned.
8) You make them feel bad about their lifestyle or values
Another of the major reasons people ignore you can be when you make them feel guilty or bad about themselves.
This doesn’t always mean that you doing this is unfair or uncalled for.
For example, if you are in a culture or social environment where people talk very roughly and swear a lot and you express being uncomfortable with it or noticeably refrain from swearing, you may be mocked or ignored as a prude.
It doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong, necessarily.
It simply means people begin to ignore you because you don’t fit into the society.
The same may be said if you’re particularly religious and living in a non-religious society, an atheist living in a devout culture or passionately pursuing goals which make others feel lazy.
Sometimes pursuing innovative and daring objectives makes people resentful.
Sometimes the courage to be yourself and work on what you want to do means the courage to be disliked by many people around you.
9) You don’t have a strong enough mission and direction in life
It’s hard to find your purpose in life, and I spent years waiting for other people to explain what I should do.
The end result was I got older.
And the question of what to really commit to in life only became stronger!
One of the biggest reasons people ignore you can be when they feel you’re looking too much to other people to tell you what to do.
They have even less answers than you do, so they shy away.
With that in mind, let’s address this head-on:
What would you say if I asked you what your purpose is?
It’s a hard question!
And there are far too many people trying to tell you it will just “come to you” and to focus on “raising your vibrations” or finding some vague kind of inner peace.
Self-help gurus are out there preying on people’s insecurities to make money and selling them on techniques which really don’t work for achieving your dreams.
Visualization.
Meditation.
Sage burning ceremonies with some vaguely indigenous chanting music in the background.
Hit pause.
The truth is that visualization and positive vibes won’t bring you closer to your dreams, and they can actually drag you backwards into wasting your life on a fantasy.
But it’s hard to find your purpose and stop relying on others for validation when you’re being hit with so many different claims.
You can end up trying so hard and not finding the answers you need that your life and dreams begin to feel hopeless.
You want solutions, but all you’re being told is to create a perfect utopia inside your own mind. It doesn’t work.
So let’s go back to basics:
Before you can experience a real change, you need to really know your purpose.
I learned about the power of finding your purpose from watching Ideapod co-founder Justin Brown’s video on the hidden trap of improving yourself.
Justin used to be addicted to the self-help industry and New Age gurus just like me. They sold him on ineffective visualization and positive thinking techniques.
Four years ago, he traveled to Brazil to meet the renowned shaman Rudá Iandê, for a different perspective.
Rudá taught him a life-changing new way to find your purpose and use it to transform your life.
After watching the video, I also discovered and understood my purpose in life and it’s no exaggeration to say it was a turning point in my life.
I can honestly say that this new way of finding success by finding your purpose actually helped me to stop feeling so overlooked and frustrated.
Watch the free video here.
10) They’re jealous of you and resent your success
Keep in mind that the various reasons people ignore you are not always about blaming or focusing on yourself.
Despite a trend towards intense self-focus in the self-development world, I think it’s very crucial to be honest about the ways in which other people can let us down.
Honestly:
Sometimes other people just suck and they really do unfairly ignore and resent you.
We hear a lot about not looking down on those who are having a hard time in life.
But what about those who are kicking ass, overcoming obstacles and turning their struggles into fuel for victory?
It’s easy to hate winners.
If that’s you, rest easy. You deserve better people around you, and continuing on the winning trajectory you soon will.
Like LovePanky writes:
“There are some cases where you’re not doing anything wrong.
In fact, the people who are ignoring you are jealous or bitter over your achievements, etc. So, they want to bring you down the only way they can.”
11) They find you overly closed off or reserved
Another one of the top reasons people ignore you can be that they find you overly closed off or reserved.
You may not mean this is any hurtful or desultory way. You may just be genuinely a bit more of a reserved person…
Or you may be around people who are a lot more “open” than you.
Either way, don’t worry:
This is not about blame.
The key is to embrace who you are while also remaining aware that some may find it underwhelming.
Being “closed off” can really be a matter of perspective, so it depends on the context.
We’re not always all social all the time, and if certain people find you overly reserved you don’t have to take it to heart.
12) They’re way too busy with their own lives
This point relates to my earlier encouragement to do your best to find out your own purpose.
The fact is that one of the top reasons people ignore you is that they are just plain way too busy with their own lives.
They smile and nod at you and maybe engage in chit chat, but they don’t invite you anywhere or get to know you better because they are absolutely slammed.
To those of us who have been marginalized a lot or faced rejection, this kind of behavior can seem very targeted and personal.
But the honest truth is that it’s usually not.
It’s just people who are very absorbed in their own lives and don’t have that much space to fit anyone new into the nooks and crevices.
The key in such a case is to find people who have a bit more spare time or free room, because hitting your head against a wall won’t do you any good.
13) They’re selfish and unappreciative of others
Have you ever just walked into a room and been surrounded by people who you know are not great people?
I’m sorry if this sounds judgmental: it’s 100% true.
And I’m not talking about labels, either. I’m talking about the atmosphere in the air.
You come in open and friendly, and you’re ignored because you enter an event or atmosphere of people who don’t appreciate other people.
This can also happen with an ex who is extremely arrogant or closed off.
That feeling when you know you’re around folks who are closed off, fake, and think they are better than you.
That feeling when you know that you’re looked on as nothing more than dirt for no reason other than the fact that you’re not a celebrity or visibly wealthy.
Well, so be it.
These are not the kind of people you want to admire you in any case, and trying to win their approval will require becoming pretentious as well (as well as shelling out for $500 bottles of vodka and chronicling your every move on social media).
Forget it. Ignore them.
14) They simply don’t understand or appreciate you
Last and definitely not least:
One of the common reasons people ignore you is when they simply don’t understand you.
This doesn’t necessarily make you superior or any other qualitative judgment.
But it does make you different.
One of the intense ironies I’ve noted over the past decades that I’ve been alive is how being different has been commoditized and fetishized in a way which makes actually being different just as rare as it’s always been.
Being truly different is not a status symbol. And it’s not a hashtag which will bring you fame or likes.
It’s being radically, unapologetically authentic even when others don’t understand or value you and even when it leads to being truly misunderstood.
So be it.
Being ignored in such a way can be an honor, really. Even though it admittedly can get lonely.
And if it’s your ex who is doing the ignoring, it can take your heart through some very painful experiences.
Getting back on track
When it comes to being ignored, nobody can blame you for being upset.
Humans are tribal animals and we don’t fare well when we feel excluded and ignored.
I know I don’t.
When this is somebody you care about or once cared about it’s even harder.
As I mentioned earlier, getting your ex back and dealing with people who generally don’t give you the respect you deserve can be very tough!
But if you really want to get your ex back, you’re going to need a bit of help.
And the best person to turn to is relationship coach Brad Browning.
No matter how ugly the breakup was, how hurtful the arguments were, he’s developed a couple of unique techniques to not only get your ex back but to keep them for good.
So, if you’re tired of missing your ex and want to start afresh with them, I’d highly recommend checking out his incredible advice.
Here’s the link to his free video once again.
Why do people avoid talking to me???
Why people avoid... Removing
#1
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1.
Overdowless odor or other unpleasant odor body.
2. You are boring or even worse, you burden everyone with your problems.
We had a girl at the institute. So she lived in a room with her grandmother. And I remember well how in a conversation with classmates (among whom there was a guy), she said the following phrase: "I want to drink vitamins for health." So I sat down. Typical old lady themes and it was said exactly as the old women say. Here's a typical mistake for you.
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#15
Lonely bird
There are two reasons:
1.
Bad breath or other bad body odor.
2. You are boring or even worse, you burden everyone with your problems.
We had a girl at the institute. So she lived in a room with her grandmother. And I remember well how in a conversation with classmates (among whom there was a guy), she said the following phrase: "I want to drink vitamins for health." So I sat down. Typical old lady themes and it was said exactly as the old women say. Here's a typical mistake for you.
#16
Author
I can't figure out what's wrong with me... people just aren't attracted to me. And not only men but also women. Somehow they treat me coldly, they are in no hurry to communicate.
I noticed this while still at the institute, in my second year. Everyone had companies, and I was alone ... I was friends with only two girls who were also not part of any company.
#17
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Lonely bird
There are two reasons:
1.
Bad breath or other body odor.
2. You are boring or even worse, you burden everyone with your problems.
We had a girl at the institute. So she lived in a room with her grandmother. And I remember well how in a conversation with classmates (among whom there was a guy), she said the following phrase: "I want to drink vitamins for health." So I sat down. Typical old lady themes and it was said exactly as the old women say. Here's a typical mistake for you.
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I feel like people avoid talking to me. What am I doing wrong?
CounselingPersonal problems
5228
20 Jul. 2020
Alena
My problem is that I can't make friends. Moreover, it seems that I repel people with something. Although I am a fairly communicative person, I know how to listen, I try to keep the conversation going, but still people run away from communicating with me. The wives of my husband's friends, his sisters, my work colleagues - I can't build friendly relations with anyone, even it's banal to go to coffee with no one (except my husband). In networks, it is also impossible to communicate, due to the fact that a person is quickly trying to bring the conversation to naught.
Please help me figure it out, maybe I'm doing something wrong ... There are people who are all drawn to, in my case it's the other way around.
Jul 20 2020
(changed on July 20, 2020)
Irina Sinel Psychologist
Hello, Alena. I'm very sorry this is happening.
Let's go a little deeper into the problem.
When do you start to notice that a person "runs away from communication"?
Who were your childhood friends?
What are the goals of building friendship for you, and what do you think it is usually based on?
Jul 20 2020
Alena
Thank you for your response!
I notice almost immediately that a person does not willingly respond to my messages, or can “pour out his soul”, and then simply not answer me, not giving me a chance to tell something. As for real life, things are about the same. Previously, I was a very closed person, I was bullied as a child, and this affected me a little.
With age, became bolder and opening , but the situation has not changed. As a child, there were two girlfriends, but our paths diverged.
I don't demand much from friendship, just comfortable communication, mutual support and mutual respect are enough.
Jul 20 2020
(modified on July 20, 2020)
Irina Sinel Psychologist
I notice almost immediately that a person does not willingly respond to my messages,
This is a fairly common problem at the present time. People receive hundreds of messages through various channels, and may not respond or even skip them. I understand correctly that this makes you feel negative emotions, what is your reaction to this?
In real life, things are about the same.
Please provide the most recent example of such live communication.
I don't demand much from friendship, just comfortable communication, mutual support and mutual respect are enough.
And what exactly are you ready to give to the interlocutor and how do you determine whether he is interested in what you say or not?
Previously, I was a very private person, I was bullied as a child, and this affected me a little.
How exactly did it affect you, please share with me your observations about yourself.
When I was a child, I had two friends, but we parted ways.
Would you like to see them? Find out how they are doing now? Or do you feel something negative at the thought of it?
Jul 20 2020
Alena
Yes, when they don’t answer me, I’m not pleased, but I don’t show anything if a person doesn’t want to - this is his right ...
As for live communication, for example, a good friend spoke exclusively about herself, she didn’t even want to switch to neutral topics, she abruptly switched the topic to herself, pulling the blanket, as they say.
When my husband's friends and their wives are nearby, they don't communicate with me much. Maybe I'm not a very interesting conversationalist.
As for my former girlfriends, I would really like to talk to one of them. Our communication ended abruptly, without any quarrels. After a while, I apologized to her, for having possibly offended me in some way, asked how she was doing, but she answered dryly, as if under interrogation. I realized that I shouldn't write to her.
As for bullying, I can say that it really affected my self-esteem. I felt like I didn't deserve to be treated properly. She did not defend herself at all, on the contrary, at school somewhere she somehow tried to help the offenders. In general, I was very quiet, shy and very afraid to show myself. Probably, there is still an echo of that time, because the fear of someone else's opinion is still present.
Jul 21 2020
Irina Sinel Psychologist
Yes, when they don't answer me, I'm not pleased, but I don't show anything if a person doesn't want it - that's his right...
I agree, it's his right. But he also has the right to know that you do not like it and you would like to communicate more, and you deprive him of this information. It is not necessary to "present" here, it is enough just to share your feelings and talk about what you want and what you don't.
I may not be a very interesting conversationalist.
Let's talk about this in more detail. What does it mean to you to be an interesting conversationalist?
After a while, I apologized to her for possibly offending her in some way, I asked how she was doing, but she answered dryly, as if during an interrogation. I realized that I shouldn't write to her.
It seemed to me that this was a very unpleasant test for you: to openly meet a person, but not get a proper reaction, it is rather insulting. How was your meeting?
And how do you feel about your second girlfriend?
She didn't defend herself at all, on the contrary, somewhere at school she somehow tried to help the offenders.![]()
I'm sorry... What was your parents' reaction to the cruelty shown to you by your classmates?
Probably, there is still an echo of that time, because the fear of someone else's opinion is still present.
I can offer you a method from cognitive-behavioral therapy for "pumping" communication skills.
It proceeds from the fact that we have an enlarged three circles of communication: the closest people, acquaintances and strangers. Draw a table - four columns and six rows. Then write in the first column, starting from the second line:
Express your opinion
Ask for help
Praise
Ask for praise
Criticize
You will have three columns - these are respectively - the first circle, the second and the third.
Now evaluate in the cells of the table how easy it is for you to do the above in different circles of people.
Send me the results on whatsapp. +7
39537.
Jul 21 2020
Alena
For me, an interesting interlocutor is, first of all, an educated person with charisma and a sense of humor. I am stingy in the manifestation of emotions, there is stiffness and there is no charisma as such. I think I'm boring for others)
I am much more open with close people, with unfamiliar or unfamiliar people I am more constrained. I'll think a hundred times before I say.
In the case of my first friend, I apologized to her online. It so happened that I moved and there was no opportunity to see each other. With the second girlfriend, the relationship was more complicated. She tried to assert herself at my expense. There was a lot of criticism from her side, moreover in an insulting form. She often set herself as an example in terms of appearance, skills, and so on. I wouldn't want to talk to her.
As far as the school is concerned, the parents were upset by this and went to investigate a couple of times. But it didn't change anything.
Sorry, I don't have WhatsApp, unfortunately. I'll try to copy the results here:
With loved ones: expressing your opinion is easy in principle
Asking for help is also not difficult, but depending on how close the person is and what the situation is.
Praise is easy.
Asking for praise is harder.
Criticism is not difficult, but depending on how many people are close to me.
Unfamiliar people and strangers are one and the same for me, in terms of answers Expressing my opinion is difficult
I can't ask for help.
Praise - 50/50
Asking for praise is difficult. Criticism is hard.
Jul 22 2020
Irina Sinel Psychologist
For me, an interesting interlocutor is, first of all, an educated person, with charisma and a sense of humor. I am stingy in the manifestation of emotions, there is stiffness and there is no charisma as such.I think I'm boring for others)
What do you do to stay emotionally stingy and reserved?
I am much more open with close people, with unfamiliar or unfamiliar people I am more constrained. I'll think a hundred times before I say
I think that's what distinguishes these circles of acquaintances, our boundaries in relation to unfamiliar people are more rigid, and the information that we can share varies significantly. What topics are you ready to discuss in what circles and why?
She tried to assert herself at my expense. There was a lot of criticism from her side, moreover in an insulting form. She often set herself as an example in terms of appearance, skills, and so on. I wouldn't want to talk to her.
It seems to me that a lot of your energy is left with this friend. Let me know if you want to talk more about it. This may help us in our work.
As for the school, the parents were upset by this, a couple of times they went to sort things out.But it didn't change anything.
What did your parents tell you specifically? How were the children encouraged or taught to respond to and interpret the messages?
Thank you for answering the test.
So, you see that it is necessary to start with praise in the circle of close people. Obviously, you have some kind of filter to receive it. Therefore, the first thing to start with is to learn to listen to the good things that other people say about you. If you doubt something, you can specify what exactly the person liked your trait, deed, taste, etc.
The second is the circle of acquaintances and unfamiliar people.
All difficult moments, you will need to try to do and consolidate for yourself as a new skill.
As you work through this table, you will gradually feel that your life has been filled with new people, communication and pleasant moments.
Jul 22 2020
Alena
I don't do anything, I can't overcome my stiffness. I'm afraid to seem strange, to say the wrong thing. If I open up too much to a person, then I can reproach myself for what I told. That they think badly of me. I try to talk on neutral topics.
If the story with a friend helps, we can touch on the topic with a friend.
When it comes to school, my parents taught me not to pay attention. They say if the offender does not see my reaction, he will fall behind. But, unfortunately, it did not work, and I did not know how to defend myself.
Jul 22 2020
(changed on July 22, 2020)
Irina Sinel Psychologist
I don’t do anything, I can’t overcome stiffness. I'm afraid to seem strange, to say the wrong thing. If I open up too much to a person, then I can reproach myself for what I told. That they think badly of me. I try to talk on neutral topics.
What should be done to appear strange? I would like to understand exactly this "too", what needs to be said in order to think badly?
If the story with a friend helps, we can touch on the topic with a friend.![]()
Of course it will help, thanks to her, we will be able to figure out with you what experience you so carefully avoid repeating, while also refusing its positive aspects.
I also had a friend in my childhood who did not inspire me with confidence, but as it turned out later, it was her qualities that were useful to me in the future to overcome some of the difficulties of life, until I realized this, it was quite difficult for me to build relationships. This does not mean that your story is completely similar to mine, but most often our negative friends show us our reverse sides, without contact with which, our emotional development stops.
When it comes to school, my parents taught me not to pay attention. They say if the offender does not see my reaction, he will fall behind. But, unfortunately, it did not work, and I did not know how to defend myself.
Do you believe this to your parents? How can you not pay attention to what is happening right now in your own class? ! An offender who does not see your reaction is even more angry, especially thinking that you perceive him as an "empty place", and secondly, seeing that you cannot stand up for yourself, he generally goes on an aggressive offensive. Listen to yourself, what would you like to do with the one who really "attacked" you? To say to themselves, in the place of their parents? Just imagine it, assuming that no one except you and me will know this ...
Jul 22 2020
Alena
I'm afraid that they will think that I'm stupid or strange. I don't even know how to explain. I am afraid that my interlocutor will consider this or that story, or else my life will be considered strange, will put a label on me, as they say.
Now, I understand that my tactics of “tolerating” will not lead to anything good ... Now, I would probably try to protect myself. But I don't even know if that would work. Due to the fact that the offender was not one, but almost the entire class.
Jul 23 2020
Irina Sinel Psychologist
Pay attention, Alena, your first sentence from the last answer to me describes the feelings that you have for the interlocutor, and the second describes the situation where, perhaps, this feeling first arose, and now it is always with you recreating the old perception. Do my words resonate with you?
Jul 23 2020
Alena
Yes, probably it is...
23 Jul. 2020
(modified 23 Jul 2020)
Irina Sinel Psychologist
This is an important realization. It will help you, on the one hand, begin to gradually become aware of this feeling, going beyond it. Secondly, by changing your perception, you can feel the opportunity to act differently, creating the conditions for new safer interactions.
If you feel the need for me to accompany this process, I am ready to start working with you online. You can ask other questions here.
Jul 24 2020
Alena
Thanks for the advice! I will try. And how to get rid of the obsessive fear of someone else's opinion?
Jul 24 2020
(changed on July 24, 2020)
Irina Sinel Psychologist
You should not get rid of him. You need to catch it in yourself, realizing that now you are safe and nothing threatens you.
We can work on this right now.
Imagine a situation in which you expressed your opinion, but received criticism and condemnation in response. What will you do next?
Jul 25 2020
Alena
In everyday life, it fetters me and spoils my mood. I can replay this in my head all day long.
Jul 25 2020
(changed on July 25, 2020)
Irina Sinel Psychologist
What if you have the opportunity to immediately tell the interlocutor about this or even challenge his opinion?
Let's take a closer look at a real example from your life?
Jul 26 2020
Alena
My aunt often criticizes me for what I don't do. All my actions are questioned. I wanted to change jobs - in response I hear “sit still, nothing will work out for you.” When I cook something, I also criticize. When I entered the university, I was not satisfied with my chosen direction.
I'm terribly afraid of criticism, sometimes I try not to do something so as not to be judged. Even if they do not condemn, I am afraid that the person thought badly of me. Especially, I understand this when the interlocutor starts ignoring me, avoiding communication, etc. Something is clearly wrong with me, in such cases
Jul 26 2020
Alena
Even if I dispute the opinion, I will spoil the relationship with the person. I will finally push back.
Jul 26 2020
Irina Sinel Psychologist
Even if I dispute the opinion, I will spoil the relationship with the person. I will finally push back.
I see two fantasies in this: the first is that expressing one's own opinion, different from the opinion of another, can ruin relationships, the second is that you accept the opinion of another, which you do not like, as a threat to yourself - is that so?
My aunt often criticizes me for what I don't do.All my actions are questioned. I wanted to change jobs - in response I hear “sit still, nothing will work out for you.” When I cook something, I also criticize. When I entered the university, I was not satisfied with my chosen direction.
Did your aunt raise you?
It's really unpleasant when our decisions do not find support from our loved ones, but have you ever doubted the correctness of your choice or manner of doing things in your own way since then?
I'm terribly afraid of criticism, sometimes I try not to do something so as not to be judged. Even if they do not condemn, I am afraid that the person thought badly of me. Especially, I understand this when the interlocutor starts ignoring me, avoiding communication, etc. Something is clearly wrong with me, in such cases
Usually we are afraid of criticism when there are fears that someone will notice something that we would not like to show about ourselves, is there such a thing? What exactly are you ashamed of? Would you like to share?
