What is the psychological term for blaming others

People with strong narcissistic tendencies and other dark personality traits tend to blame others for their own bad behavior. If they are lying, then they will accuse others of lying. If they are cruel, they will say that others are cruel. If they are stealing and scamming, then they will accuse others of stealing and scamming. They never take responsibility, and it’s always someone elses fault.

Besides ascribing their undesirable character traits to others, they will attribute the good characteristics of others to themselves. For example, if they see someone being nice, they will say, No, no, this person is not nice I am nice! If somebody is successful and happy, the narcissist will say, That person is such a loser and a fakebut I, I am really successful and authentic!

Psychologically speaking, this mechanism is called projection, and I talk more about it in my article titled 5 Ways Narcissists Project and Attack You.

While I was growing up, there was a guy who had protruding ears. He used to bully other, smaller children by making fun of their ears for sticking out, even though there was nothing wrong with their ears. He attributed his undesirable physical trait onto others and then attacked them for it. We can speculate from his behavior that he was likely bullied about his ears, and subsequently projected his insecurities onto others.

At the time, I was unfamiliar with psychological concepts like projection or defense mechanism, but it was still very strange and obvious that something was not right about him, the bullying, and the situation in general. And while this guy was a bully and a coward, I still understood on some level what was going on. I felt sad for him because his behavior towards others seemed to be a result of people bullying him. By acting out his suffering, he made others suffer.

These days, when people project their flaws and moral shortcomings onto others, or lack personal responsibility, or blatantly lie, I identify it instantly. It is clear what is going on and that they are trying to hide their undesirable characteristics or inflate their false image. I understand that they are trapped and struggling in their own web of lies and deception. But since they are adults who hurt others, including children, it is really pathetic, obvious, and tragic.

Narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths and other people with dark personalities traits think that others are stupid and that they themselves are very cleverand in some ways they can be quite cunning. However, if you are familiar with this behavior, it is senseless and pathetic when you see them trying to bend and negate reality. It is also unfortunate to see how many people fall for it. Naturally, abusers prey on the weak and confused, and so the stronger your sense of self is, the less susceptible you are to gaslighting and other forms of manipulation.

1. Deflecting

By deflecting focus from their own wrongdoings, the manipulator expects that others will forget about them and will ignore or even forget about what happened. It can be illustrated by the following:

Dont examine me, look at this shiny thing here!

2. Putting Others into Defense Mode

Instead of addressing peoples concerns, admitting fault, or examining their own problematic behavior, the manipulator attacks others. By doing so, they hope to do two main things: (1) deflect attention from themselves and (2) make themselves look better by making others look worse.

They will say, No, no, youre the one doing horrible things, or, Yeah, but look at how awful this other person is.

Many people respond to criticism by trying to explain themselves. That is what the manipulator relies on. If you challenge the manipulators abusive behavior, they will attack you or someone else in the hope that you will stop examining them and start defending yourself or others.

Dont fall for it.

3. Lying to Look Better

As explained in the previous section, narcissistic manipulators try to make themselves look better by putting others down. If others look worse than they are, then maybe I will look better than I am.

But besides that, they also talk explicitly about themselves in an exaggerated and unnatural manner. They tend to brag a lot: how much money they have, how good at their job they are, how much better than others they are, how everyone is jealous of them, how everyone loves them, how great of a person they are, and so on.

The main mechanism here is lying, or at least gross exaggeration. If they have any accomplishments, they will exaggerate them, add to them, and make them look better than they are. However, they mostly just lie. They lie a lot. And at first it may seem confusing and you may even feel like you should give them the benefit of the doubt even if something looks suspicious. But after a while its clear that most, if not all, of the things coming out of their mouths are blatant lies.

4. Victim-Blaming and Playing the Victim

Narcissistic manipulators are fake, fragile, and they are cowards. They pretend to be strong, call others weak and sensitive, bully and abuse people, but if you challenge them about their lies or stand up for yourself, they immediately start playing the fragile victim. Look, Im being attacked! Youre the real bully! They are so mean to me!

As I write in the article How Narcissists Play the Victim and Twist the Story:

Narcissists also like to truncate the story and present only the bit where the aggrieved partyreactedto their toxic behavior, framing it as if thats where the story started.

They will shamelessly blame the actual victim by saying that they deserved it, or even gaslight by claiming that it didnt happen.

People with strong narcissistic traits are unwilling or unable to reflect on their shortcomings and destructive behaviors. As a result, they project, blame, and manipulate others to cope with their low and shaky self-esteem.

Manipulation tactics include deflecting, attacking and putting others into defense mode, lying about others being worse and themselves being better, victim-blaming, and playing the victim.

By resolving your own trauma and developing a stronger sense of self, you can become less prone to manipulation and narcissistic abuse.

Sources and recommendations

Blame: Definition, Examples, & Types

Victimblaming: what is it, why do people blame the victims

Many already know about such a phenomenon as victimblaming, and some of them know it firsthand. How does this psychological mechanism work, what makes people blame the victims and justify the violence? And what to do if you become a victim or witness of victim blaming? Psychotherapist Anna Bokova wrote about this especially for Forbes Woman.

What is victimblaming in simple terms?

Victimblaming is a term that refers to shifting responsibility for what happened to the victim of violence (physical, emotional, sexual). “It’s your own fault”, “You shouldn’t have provoked”, “What were you thinking about” - such phrases make the injured person feel shame and guilt for what happened to him. Already traumatized, the victim is re-traumatized instead of receiving support and restoring the lost sense of security. There is also the concept of victim shaming, when the victim is made to feel shame for what happened to him.

Blaming affects both women and men. But if the former are more likely to face manifestations of violence based on physical superiority, then the latter more often suffer from emotional pressure.

Victimblaming as an attempt to cope with chaos

The reasons for shifting responsibility from the aggressor to his victim lie in the unconscious, but quite natural and understandable desire of a person to protect himself from a collision with an uncontrollable world, the inability to control its chaos and injustice. From the point of view of psychology, the construction of patterns and logical chains helps to streamline this chaos for yourself and avoid experiencing the associated existential anxiety: “If you behave well, bad things will not happen to you”, “If you don’t provoke, then you won’t fly.” From this desire to secure a clear reality for themselves, ideas are born to share responsibility between the victim and the perpetrator.

With the change of paradigms of public morality, new meanings come. Women are increasingly aware of the right to stand up to violence and are fighting to find the perpetrators guilty. The #MeToo movement has raised a whole slew of issues that were previously hushed up. Series about harassment, rape and domestic violence began to be filmed, show trials are being held. The names of the accused instantly get into the media, and attention often leads to the fact that famous people convicted of a crime lose their social status and sources of income (as happened, for example, with Harvey Weinstein).

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Unconscious distortion

As is often the case with good ideas and movements towards the norm, at first there are excesses. To recognize your boundaries, you often have to push against them and sometimes even transgress them. And if the spring is held back for a long time, then it shoots with a greater amplitude than when it freezes in balance afterwards. These are the laws of physics, and the same is true of the psyche. The movement towards respect, recognition of rights and punishment of the guilty is correct, but there are always excesses.

One of the difficulties and paradoxes of victimblaming is that people often jump from one polarity to another. Dividing the world into black and white is too easy - this again helps to cope with existential anxiety in front of chaos, streamline it, name it and subdue it.

Therefore, it is unpopular to question the responsibility of a potential victim - you will immediately be called a victimblamer. However, situations cannot be ruled out when a person, for reasons of some kind of benefit or in a difficult psychological state, agrees to sexual relations, which he later regrets. And in this case, it is important to take responsibility for your conscious choice, even if the attitude towards this choice later changed. When a person makes difficult choices, he is strong, not a weak victim. It is important to distinguish situations of helplessness from difficult choices - first of all, the person himself, who may ascribe to himself the status of a victim.

Blaming another and holding onto a regrettable situation for years is destructive to the individual. A person gives up the steering wheel, does not control his life and fixes the mechanism for satisfying his needs through the position of suffering. It is important to step out of this role, work through the feelings associated with the situation in which the difficult event occurred, and try to separate these situations from those for which the person is actually responsible.

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What to do if you experience victim-blaming or witness justification of violence?

If you are really in a situation of victim-blaming, the first thing you need to ensure is that you have a sufficient level of support against blame. It's never the victim's fault, it's always the perpetrator's fault. And it is important to surround yourself with people who can share this point of view and express support for you in the right way.

Further, depending on what type of abuse has occurred - physical, sexual, emotional - you must either contact law enforcement agencies or a psychotherapist if the support of loved ones does not help.

Before dealing with trauma, it is necessary to secure oneself and get out of the situation of violence. If the threat remains, then the likelihood of retraumatization is high. If this is psychological violence of the degree that is painful, unpleasant, but allows you to stay in a relationship, then you should tell the person about your feelings and boundaries and ask them not to violate them in the future. It happens that for one, manipulation is a form of violence, and he feels like a victim, and for another, it is the usual style of communication in which he grew up all his life and does not see this as a problem. Such a situation does not exempt from responsibility, and it grows in the case when this is not an unconscious action, but a conscious choice.

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If the situation in which you feel like a victim is long-term and you cannot get out of it, think about what kind of support you lack: emotional, financial, legal. Perhaps there are attitudes in life that do not allow you to break the vicious circle, or you experience a feeling of fear, for example, you are afraid that if you try to end the relationship, you will encounter even more aggression. Ask yourself the question: do I get any benefit by remaining a victim. Answering this question sometimes requires courage, but being honest with yourself will allow you to understand the situation and weigh whether this benefit is worth the price you pay for it.

If you observe a situation of victim-blaming or victim-shaming from the outside, you should intervene and stop the destructive process, if there are internal forces for this, or support the person who has suffered in some other way. But again, listen to yourself: what makes you take on the role of a rescuer (this may be your usual role) and is your reaction commensurate with the situation? Are you acting out of your own trauma and overreacting? Mindfulness and self-reflection will help you to be more in touch with reality, and not with inner demons from the past.

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What is gaslighting: signs and methods of struggle

Typical phrases of gaslighters: “I did not say that”, “You are confusing something”, “It's just a joke”, “You are too sensitive”. If you often hear this in your address, we advise you to beware. Gaslighting can take on many different dimensions, and most importantly, it is much more common than it seems.

"Gaslighting" is the 2022 word of the year according to Webster's American Dictionary. The compilers noted that the term is also often used in a political context.

• What is gaslighting
• Signs of gaslighting
• Gaslighting Tactics
• Gaslighting Examples
• The Dangers of Gaslighting
• How to deal with gaslighting
• Comments of psychologists

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What is gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which the manipulator denies what happened, trying to make the victim doubt their own memories and change their perception of reality.

Gaslighter systematically devalues ​​the words, experiences, deeds and successes of another person [1]. In the end, his victim begins to feel helpless and insecure. A person is increasingly thinking about his emotional stability and adequacy, while a gaslighter gets almost complete control in a relationship [2]. Such manipulation tactics are found everywhere - in a couple, in a family, at work, in a circle of friends. However, gaslighting may or may not be intentional.

The term began to be used in the middle of the 20th century. It owes its appearance to George Cukor's 1944 film Gaslight. According to the plot, the insidious husband manipulates the mind of a young wife, forcing her to consider herself mentally ill. First, he convinces his beloved that she has no talent for singing, persuades her to leave her career and return to her hometown. And then he begins to arrange strange incidents, convincing the girl that nothing unusual is happening around. As it turns out, the hero does all this in order to take possession of the inheritance of his wife.

Still from the movie "Gaslight"

© Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

Signs of gaslighting

Gaslighting can be calculated by a number of characteristic signs. To do this, you need, first of all, to carefully listen to your own feelings. Here is a list of "symptoms" that may indicate that you are in a relationship with a manipulator:

• you think you are doing everything wrong;
• you push your desires into the background;
• you feel anxiety and self-doubt;
• you always blame yourself if something goes wrong;
• you have difficulty making even simple decisions;
• you suspect yourself of excessive sensitivity;
• you stopped enjoying your favorite activities;
• you think that you used to be more confident and cheerful;
• you often apologize to your partner, parents, colleagues.

As a rule, psychological abuse occurs gradually and imperceptibly. A person being gaslighted usually goes through three stages. They are not always consistent and may overlap.

1. Denial

At this stage, the first signs of gaslighting appear. The victim notices unusual changes in the behavior of the gaslighter, but does not attach much importance to this. For example, he may say something offensive to you or deny previous actions. You are surprised by this, but still confident in your point of view.

2. Protection

A person begins to doubt himself and his perception of reality. He is increasingly criticized by the manipulator and feels frazzled, but continues to defend himself. You argue frantically with the gaslighter and are always looking for evidence to convince him you're right and win his approval.

3. Depression

The victim does not have the strength to fight and argue - she loses her "I". The person begins to believe the words of the gaslighter and agrees with all the accusations in order to gain his favor. He feels helpless, overwhelmed, disorganized. In the third stage, clinical depression and anxiety disorders may develop.

© Soulful Pizza/Pexels

Gaslighting Tactics

A gaslighter uses a variety of tactics to deceive and influence his perception of reality. It's about methodical brainwashing. As a result, after some time, the victim becomes emotionally dependent on the aggressor - his mood, opinion, behavior.

Here are six of the most common gaslighting strategies. Observe yourself and those close to you. You may be able to recognize yourself or someone you know as the victim or manipulator.

1. Denying the facts

Gaslighters love to rewrite history. To make a person doubt their own memory, they distort the facts and change the details of events. The manipulator may categorically deny having said or done anything, even if the evidence suggests otherwise.

Instead, he will accuse the victim of lying: “Why are you composing? This has never happened!” Gaslighters can be so convincing that people really start to believe their version of events. The situation is aggravated if a distracted and forgetful person becomes a victim.

2. Bad jokes

The gaslighter is usually someone from a close circle. These are the people who have the greatest influence on us. They know about our vulnerabilities, weaknesses and experiences, which means that if they wish, they can easily use this knowledge to their detriment.

For example, gaslighters often make caustic and rude jokes about the victim, make inappropriate remarks, or give offensive nicknames. All this is disguised as friendly banter, when in fact the task of the manipulator is to hurt and humiliate.

3. Devaluation of emotions

Gaslighters often discount and ignore other people's feelings. If you are offended by his joke, be prepared to hear: “You are too sensitive! Don't make an elephant out of a fly." If you say that you feel bad, he will answer: “You thought of everything, it seems to you. Better do something useful."

The manipulator shifts the focus to his own feelings and needs, ignoring the state of mind of the victim. Over time, a person begins to believe that all his emotions and reactions are wrong, and ceases to trust his feelings. As a result, the gaslighter gains even more power.

4. Emphasizing the inadequacy of perception

From time to time, each person needs to "check the clock" with other people. We are looking for evidence of the accuracy of our perception of reality and the adequacy of statements. The gaslighter, on the contrary, tries to convince the victim that her reaction to the events that are taking place is abnormal.

He can say: “You have been very strange lately”, “You are reacting inappropriately”, “Are you sure everything is all right?”, “You obviously need help”. All this leads to the appearance of doubt, guilt and helplessness in the victim. This is exactly the effect that the manipulator achieves.

5. Shifting Responsibility

Under no circumstances will the Gaslighter admit to being manipulated. Instead, he will look for the guilty around him and will always come up with an explanation for his actions - he was provoked, forced or framed. A typical example of a reaction is: “I didn't mean anything bad. You took me out."

With this method of psychological abuse, the manipulator often projects his shortcomings onto others. He blames the victim for the behavior that is characteristic of himself. As a result, a person begins to make excuses and switches attention from the gaslighter to himself.

6. Aggression and Hostility

Gaslighter is always on the offensive. His favorite form of defense is attack. For example, if you suspect such a person of treason, he will accuse you of pathological jealousy, low self-esteem and self-doubt. And if you show him evidence, he will become aggressive.

In addition, the gaslighter tends to belittle the successes and achievements of his victim. Marker phrases: “At your age, I knew how to do this for a long time”, “Nothing special”, “Everyone can do it”, “And you try to do it faster / better”. His job is to make the victim feel inferior.

© Jure Siric/Pexels

Examples of Gaslighting

Gaslighters are not always easy to identify: they don't bruise and often disguise manipulation as harmless humor, constructive criticism, or concern. It is easiest to understand this phenomenon with specific examples.

Couple gaslighting

Example: a woman is sure that her husband is cheating on her. She notices long hair on his shirt, lipstick marks on his neck. The man is increasingly late at work and does not pick up the phone. At the same time, to her suspicions, he says: “You are paranoid! Instead of feeding me dinner, you ask stupid questions. See a psychologist and don't distract me from work!"

Bottom line: after some time, the woman loses the ability to accurately assess what is happening. She begins to doubt her conclusions, blames herself for being too suspicious, and finally apologizes to her husband for baseless accusations.

Gaslighting for children

Example: a boy receives an A in chemistry, a subject that is very difficult for him. After school, he hurries home to please his parents. He proudly shows the diary to his father, and in response he hears: “So what? What are you so happy about? Also a great achievement for me! At your age, I generally had only fives. And you're not trying hard enough."

Bottom line: according to the father, this is how he stimulates his son's interest in learning and motivates him to strive for high results. In fact, the child ceases to trust his own emotions, becomes convinced of his insolvency and grows up insecure.

Gaslighting with a friend

Example: One friend regularly criticizes another about her appearance, hobbies, interests, and tastes. “I’m only telling you all this because I love you,” the girl explains. In addition, she likes to make sharp jokes about her friend and tell her about what they say about her behind her back. Most often, these are offensive things. But sometimes you can hear a compliment from her.

Bottom line: girl's self-esteem drops, but she continues to communicate with a toxic friend, because she gives the appearance of caring. In addition, the gaslighter wants to isolate the insecure girl from other people in order to gain more control over her. And her rare compliments are a way to confuse and keep on the hook.

Gaslighting in the workplace

Example: A new employee receives an assignment from a manager. He writes down everything that needs to be done and gets to work. When the assignment is completed, the boss reprimands the subordinate in front of everyone. He claims to have asked for something else. The employee shows the notes, but the manager replies indignantly: “Are you kidding me? How could I give you such an order! Are you all right?"

Bottom line: after a few remarks, the employee begins to believe that he misunderstands the words of the management. He gets confused, feels insecure in meetings, feels guilty, and is constantly under stress. As a result, its performance drops [3].

© Joanne Adela/Pexels

In addition, experts distinguish the following types of manipulation.

• Self-gaslighting: when a person denies and devalues ​​their own feelings (“I always exaggerate everything”, “I am ashamed to be upset about this”, “I am too sensitive”).
• Physician gaslighting: when a physician ignores a patient's complaints, mistakenly believing that their symptoms are the result of a psychosomatic disorder.
• Racial gaslighting: when gaslighting methods are applied to a person because of their race or ethnicity.
• Political gaslighting: when politicians refer to the mental instability of opponents, distort facts or hide information in order to gain control over people.

Why gaslighting is dangerous

A person who has become a victim of gaslighting ceases to trust his feelings. Over time, due to the actions of the manipulator, he may seriously begin to think that he is suffering from a mental disorder. In addition, systematic gaslighting often leads to real psychological and emotional problems. Among them - increased anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, the formation of codependency. All this makes it difficult for the victim to get out of the influence of the manipulator.

“Victims of gaslighting usually have very low self-esteem. It is difficult to have a good opinion of yourself when you are constantly being proved that this was not or cannot be felt, what you feel is all “nonsense” and “fiction”. Immediately you begin to feel somehow different, ”explains Anastasia Afanasyeva, a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, specialist in the Alter psychologist selection service.

Another important point: emotional abuse often develops into assault. So, if a person experienced gaslighting at the beginning of a relationship, they are more likely to experience physical abuse in the future.

Some experts suggest that gaslighting can cause schizophrenia. “Psychosis can potentially happen, but gaslighting is unlikely to be the main trigger for this. Most likely, the person already had a genetic predisposition. But to stop understanding and distinguishing your emotions, to lose confidence in your own memory, to start devaluing what is happening to you - these are the direct consequences of gaslighting, ”adds Anastasia Afanasyeva.

A vivid example of the devastating effect of gaslighting on a person is the Zersetzung technique. Its name can be translated from German as "biodegradation" or "decomposition". In the 1970s and 1980s, this method was actively used by members of the GDR secret services to fight the “internal enemy”.

They broke into dissidents' houses and made minor changes to the interior: they hung towels, rearranged papers, opened windows, changed dishes, or poured a different kind of tea into the kettle. At night, people were disturbed by strange calls, their cars were moved to other places, and passers-by on the streets often called them by other names.

Everything was done to undermine a person's faith in his own adequacy. Demoralized victims withdrew into themselves, stopped leaving the house, slowly went crazy. As a result, they not only stopped political activity, but sometimes took their own lives.

How to deal with gaslighting

Psychological pressure can last for years before the victim realizes what is happening. At the same time, relationships with a gaslighter are most often characterized as dependent or codependent, which means that it is especially difficult to get out of them. Here are some helpful tips to help you resist manipulative techniques.

Trust your feelings

Listen to your feelings more often. If you're upset, then you are. Nobody has to convince you otherwise. Remember that you know yourself much better than anyone else, and your judgment of yourself is much more accurate than the opinion of a gaslighter. During disputes, do not try to convince the manipulator - it is pointless. Be firm: stick to your own version of events and facts. This way you can deal with uncertainty even if the gaslighter builds up the pressure. The main thing when communicating with him is a confident tone and a decisive attitude. But you can’t show the aggressor doubts and fears.

“In order to avoid gaslighting, it is important to be aware of your physical and emotional boundaries. That is, you need to understand what is personally acceptable to you and what is not. If a person is well versed in his emotions, knows what his life values ​​​​are and what he aspires to, then it will be extremely difficult to devalue his words and question his perception of reality, ”explains Anastasia Afanasyeva.

Enlist the support of friends

Ask people you trust to look at the situation from the outside. Do you really have the problems that the gaslighter talks about all the time? Do they notice your "oddities"? In addition, experts advise recording events: keeping a personal diary, taking photographs, recording conversations on a voice recorder. Firstly, this way you will always have evidence at hand that can be presented at the right time. Secondly, it will allow you to double-check your own words and memories. If you are convinced that you are right, the gaslighter will not be able to control you.

“The challenge here is not to find the “right” solution, but to get a variety of opinions. Perhaps you will see that reality is not as unambiguous as it is presented to you. In addition, sometimes it is useful to sit down and write a story in the third person, as if watching yourself from the side. This exercise will help you understand more clearly whether something is really wrong with you or with another person,” advises Anastasia Afanasyeva.

© Ksenia Chernaya/Pexels

Don't let yourself be blamed

The next time a gaslighter starts to distort the facts and try to make you doubt your own adequacy, tell him directly that you are not ready to put up with his behavior. Let the manipulator know that you have figured out his tactics. Clearly define your boundaries and calmly explain that his words offend you and in the future you will not tolerate it. If all else fails and the manipulator continues to gaslight you, be prepared to minimize or completely stop communicating with him. The chances that the aggressor will change his behavior are reduced to zero.

Seek help

Often the victim is manipulated simply because it is important for them to stay in a relationship with the manipulator rather than break it off. For example, when it comes to gaslighting as a couple or between family members. In this case, you need to reconsider the tactics of your behavior and start following the new rules. It is best to seek help from a qualified professional. The longer a person is exposed to gaslighting, the more devastating the effects will be. A psychologist will help you cope with anxiety and fears, sort out your doubts and get out of the situation with the least losses.

Psychologist's comment

Anastasia Afanasyeva, psychiatrist, psychotherapist, Alter psychologist selection service, lecturer at the Institute of Organizational Psychology

Anyone can become a victim of gaslighting - it all depends on the influence and persuasiveness of the person or group of people who use such manipulations. But there are certain characteristics and personality traits that make people more likely to gaslight.

First, young age and low level of education. Children do not yet have abstract thinking. It is difficult for them to understand their emotions and cause-and-effect relationships, so they take adults at their word. As the parent said, it really is. After all, they have nothing to compare with. The same applies to the level of education.

Secondly, suggestibility. If a person trusts other people more than himself, if the opinions of others and their reactions are more important to him than his own assessment, then the risk of gaslighting is greater. To resist such manipulations, you need to understand your personality well and have a strong internal reliance on things that are important to you personally.

Third, low self-esteem. If everyone around is so smart, wonderful experts, and I am so stupid and awkward - of course, I will believe them, and not myself.

Fourth, codependency. Overreacting to the emotions and actions of other people (especially those who are near and dear to you), a poor understanding of your interests and values, relying on the interests and values ​​​​of a partner is a direct path to gaslighting.

Fifth, the inability to say "no" and defend personal boundaries. If a person is able to fight back and stop disrespectful behavior towards them, they are unlikely to be gaslighted easily.

The last and perhaps the most important point is the experience of violence in early childhood. As practice shows, usually it is he who leads to the formation of all of the above personality traits.

Alena Golzitskaya, systemic family psychotherapist, Alter psychologist selection service specialist, researcher at the Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education

You can't be born a gaslighter. But you can be born with a predisposition to certain behaviors. Due to the type of nervous system or the physiological characteristics of the body, a person, for example, may be less sensitive to the suffering of others. Abusive behavior is formed when a child observes how a significant adult uses such manipulative techniques when interacting with him or with other people.

Some parents like to say: “You're making it up – it didn't happen”, “I didn't say it and couldn't say it”, “You dreamed it”, “What are you whining about - nothing terrible happened”. If you have heard such phrases addressed to you and at the same time began to doubt your memories or feelings, you have encountered manifestations of gaslighting.

People who engage in abusive behavior rarely think about how it affects others. They seek to derive their own benefit from what is happening. And doubts about whether they behave correctly, as a rule, do not visit them - this is due to the protective mechanisms of their psyche. Therefore, gaslighting is usually noticed by the person to whom it is carried out.

If you want to save the relationship, try telling your partner that you feel uncomfortable when he does this to you. Focus on your feelings and ask him to pay attention to it. Most likely, the partner will need professional psychotherapeutic help in getting rid of the gaslighting pattern.

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