Ruin the relationship
8 Ways to Ruin Your Relationship
While most of the time we try and stay positive here on World of Psychology, every now and again reality sucker-punches us back to our senses (although not personally affecting me).
The fact remains that despite our wise advice over the years, we haven’t budged the divorce rate in the U.S. (not that we thought we could!). Most relationships fail — there’s simply no way to argue with it.
So maybe it would help some of our readers to catch a sign of their failing relationship before it’s too late. Sure, we all would like to think that we could see the end of our relationship coming from a mile away. But truth is, many of us need a little help.
To that end, here are 8 ways you can bet you’re ruining your relationship and heading to splitsville.
1. Take your partner for granted.
There’s no better way to help hurry the end of the relationship than to just assume your partner is always there to make your life easier. Whether it’s by going to work or staying at home, cooking dinner or doing the grocery shopping, the ins and outs of our every day existence can take an especially hard toll when it comes to taking that special someone in our lives for granted.
Acknowledge your significant other’s efforts to your joint relationship and life together (no matter who is doing what). Say “Thank you” and “please” for being served something or for someone doing you a favor. After all, you wouldn’t treat a stranger in your home in that manner, so why would you treat the one you love any worse?
2. Stop talking.
Remember the start of your relationship? You couldn’t stop talking! You might’ve spent all night talking to one another, or countless hours on the phone or cuddled up on a couch somewhere.
Relationships die when the two people in it stop talking. And I don’t mean actual, physical talking (“We talk all the time!”). I mean the kind of real, honest conversations that couples have all the time at the beginning of a relationship, but which fade over time. Here’s help for improving your communication with your partner.
That fading is a natural progression in most relationships. The key is to not let that fading turn into never having those real conversations (which aren’t about the kids, your jobs, or what you read on TMZ today).
3. Stop expressing your feelings.
As we go along in a relationship, it’s also natural to stop saying, “I love you” as often. Or showing anger when you’re angry at your partner, or showing adoration when you’re feeling especially loving toward them. It’s as if the extremes of our emotions are taken away, and all we have left is a lot of moderate, unsexy feelings.
As much as you might think those feelings are too boring to share, they remain just as important to share. Yes, the passionate feelings at the beginning of any relationship tend to fade for most people. But that doesn’t mean you stop feeling, or that you should stop telling your loved one how you feel.
4. Stop listening.
Nobody likes to not be heard. So there’s no better way to kill a relationship than to stop listening to what your partner has to say.
It shows a lack of respect for the person, and of course your significant other will pick up on the fact that you’re no longer listening. If nobody’s listening, how can a relationship grow or thrive? Especially important is something called active listening, which shows your partner you’re actively engaged in the conversation.
5. Kill the fun.
We hook up together in life for many reasons — shared perspectives and outlooks, physical attraction, shared spirituality, shared professional lives, etc. But we also enjoy one another’s company because it’s fun!
When fun leaves a relationship, it can be a sign that the relationship is heading to the rocks. Fun is a part of life and it’s definitely a part of any healthy relationship. However you and your significant other define fun, it’s important to keep doing it even as your relationship matures.
Love to dance but haven’t been in years? It’s time to make a new dance date. Met while hiking or kayaking, but haven’t made time to do it in months (or years)? Pack the backpack and get your outdoors on.
Boy, am I guilty of this one! I’ve probably nitpicked a few past relationships into an early death. Not because I wanted to, but because it was a personal concern whose impact I never fully understood (until it was too late).
Nobody likes being told what to do, or how to do it. While some people may be more open to “suggestions” than other from their helpful partner, it can also be seen as nitpicking for little good reason.
Really? There’s a “better” way to clean the sink? That’s nice… use it the next time you do it then.
When I want to nitpick nowadays, I just keep in mind that if I want to go to the trouble of offering unrequested advice, I might as well suggest I do it myself. Or just do it next time myself, without having someone needing to ask.
Nitpicking may be a sign of needing to “control” others, but it may also just be a sign of the way some people were brought up. In any case, it’s a bad habit and one you should try and curtail in your relationship.
Wow, threatening your significant other is such a turn-on. Yeah, no it’s not. Whether you’re threatening to leave, chop off a bit of anatomy, tell someone’s parents, or find a better life in Maui, it’s never a good sign for a healthy relationship.
Threats are often made in an act of desperation or feeling like a situation is out of control — the threat is an attempt to regain control. However, threats are juvenile and more suited for children’s temper tantrums than an adult, mature relationship.
When a partner resorts to threats, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship’s long-term potential.
8. Ignore your partner.
They say the one thing worse than being hated by someone is simply to be ignored by them. Being ignored means the person doesn’t even care enough to waste the energy of anger on you.
The same is true with relationships. If you take a lot of the previous tips and add them together, you have active ignoring. If you’re ignoring your partner (or vice-a-versa) for any period of time longer than a few days, that’s a sure sign the relationship is in trouble.
You don’t hook up with a person only to be ignored by them. If anybody wanted that, we’d simply go relive our high school prom. (Ooops, I shared too much!)
* * *
The good news is that these signs don’t necessarily mean your relationship is over. There is always hope, especially when both of your recognize some of these signs and decide you want to reconnect to try and grow your relationship.
If you can’t do it on your own — and a weekend getaway may be a good way to try — don’t fret. Although it may sound scary or extreme to think about, this is exactly what couple’s counseling is for. Any good couple’s therapist can help most couples improve their relationship in just a few sessions (although it may take more than a few, depending upon the seriousness of the problems).
Talk to your partner about your concerns. Then seek help if your own personal attempts to help improve the relationship don’t work out. I believe a great number of relationships have the possibility of being saved, if both partners are committed to working on changing it — and then take action.
- How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship
- 9 Steps to Better Communication Today
19 Common Things That Can Destroy Your Relationships
Relationships are fragile and often get affected by small little things if not taken care of properly. A relationship goes through several stages, from friendship to wedding. And things never remain the same between couples. A strong relationship is when two people go through ups and downs without letting their relationship be affected. However, the biggest threat to a relationship comes when one or both the people stop trying.
Remember that nothing lasts forever. Once your honeymoon period is over, you technically enter into a new phase of your relationship. Both of you become comfortable being yourselves. But sometimes becoming too comfortable can be too dangerous to a relationship. It doesn’t always have to be a massive blowout that ends things; sometimes, it’s many little things that could cause significant problems in relationships. Here in this post, we will share 19 things that destroy your relationships.
Here we go…….1. Taking your Partner for Granted
If not taken care of, things start to become stale, and the same is the case of a relationship. With time the priorities of married couples begin to change. Even happy and contented relationships can become putrid when you start taking your partner for granted. When you take your partner for granted, you don’t even see his/her qualities that you initially fell in love with all those years ago. For a happy relationship, you must keep proving your love and appreciation for each other.2. Holding Grudges
Another reason that plays a significant role in destroying your relationships is – holding grudges. Believe it or not, you cannot lead a happy life with a person against whom you hold grudges. Forgiveness is essential to have a great relationship. Know that “to err is human,” people make mistakes, and if you cannot let things go even after their apology, you can never be happy in life.3. Piling Negative Emotions
If you tend to pile up negative emotions, then trust, a happy relationship is a distant dream for you. Remember that no relationship is easy in the world; even genuine soul mates may encounter periods of turbulence, conflict, and even infidelity. But with love and care for each other, you can deal with any situation. While stockpiling negative emotions will simply breed bitterness, jealously, and paranoia. So it is better to talk it out, if you have some negative feelings for your partner, talk to him/her and sort it out. Your mind should be free of negativity to have a happy and healthy relationship.4. Neglecting The Needs Of Your Partner
No relationship can be worked out successfully if you only care about yourself and your needs. All successful relationships in the world are based on a sense of compromise and collaboration. Each individual should consider the needs of their partner and place them ahead of their own. People who tend to put their own needs first can never have a healthy relationship.5. Doubting Your Partner
People who tend to doubt their partners can never thrive in a relationship. Trust is one of the most critical parts of a healthy relationship. If trust is missing, nothing can be done. Just think how long an individual can justify his/her integrity. Doubting your partner will simply create hollowness in your relationship, which is not easy to work out.
Related: 18 Ways to Boost Your Relationship During the Lockdown6. Blame Game
Blames games are worst; they can spoil any beautiful relationship in the world. Most people tend to pass blames on their partners rather than saying sorry when they are wrong. This is the worst thing that anybody in a relationship could do. Blaming your partner even when he/she has not done anything wrong, or holding your partner responsible for every small or big problem is not wise. It directly impacts your relationship and destroys all the positive emotions and feelings between two people. Remember that your relationship is not a competition, so losing a couple of battles along the way won’t harm anything.7. Depending Too Much On Each Other
More often than not, people miss understanding that besides being partners, they are two individuals also. In the process, they make each other their life. Know that you need to have a life outside of your relationship also. If you don’t do that, you’ll end up being too dependent on each other. And there will be a time when you will have no friends, no hobbies, and no life. Your life is more than just a relationship. So, you need to have your life as an individual as well. Depending too much on each other makes the whole relationship suffocating in the long run.8. Being Ignorant About Your Appearance
Often people, after getting into a relationship, forget to take care of their own appearance. Maybe they believe that it’s not needed since the person they wanted is in life already. However, this thought is not wise. Believe it or not, but the level of pride you take in your appearance reflects your inherent values and attitude towards your relationship. Those who neglect to take care of themselves not only lack drive or hunger for self-improvement, but also they showcase that they are not prepared to make an effort to look nice for their partner. Eventually, this impacts your relationship negatively, especially when your partner is hugely motivated to keep fit and take care of his/her appearance.9. Being Disrespectful Towards Each Other
Another most common reason that can destroy your relationship is being disrespectful to each other. The foundation of any relationship is respect. If you are disrespectful towards your partner, then nothing can save your relationship in the long run. Of course, each person should be treated respectfully. If you tend to disrespect your partner, then no matter how many times you apologize, each time you behave wrongly with your partner, it will create a gap between you two.
Also Read: Tips to Have a Stress Free 1st Year of Your Marriage10. Being Overly Possessive
There is no doubt that the dream of losing the person we love shakes us all. But that doesn’t mean that you will become overly possessive towards the person. People feel suffocated with overly possessive partners. Other than not, other partner starts to tell lies to avoid chaos and mess in his/her life. Remember that besides being your partner, the other person has his/her life too. The tighter you will want to hold your partner, the more he/she would like to get free!11. Not respecting Each Other’s Space
If you don’t know how to respect each other’s space, then forget to have a healthy relationship. You cannot boss your partner. Let the other person have a breathing space. If you don’t give him/her that, you will likely lose the person. Everybody wants to have their own space; not giving them can make them uncomfortable over time. It usually happens when a person depends too much on his/her partner. That is why you must have your friends or some hobby so that you can concentrate on yourself as well. If you keep barging in your partner’s space, you’ll continue having problems in your relationship.12. Mistreating Your Partner In Front Of Your Friends Or Family
Most people believe that their partner is their property so they can behave any way with them. Well, that’s not wise at all. Being in a relationship doesn’t give you the right to mistreat your partner in front of other people. Such kind of behavior affects not only the relationship but also it impacts the person’s mindset. People who are mistreated in a relationship lose self-confidence, they start believing that they are worthless, which in the long run ruin their mental and emotional stability.13. Infidelity
A little bit of flirt with other people is okay to a certain extent. But no partner can tolerate the act of infidelity. Cheating on your partner can lead to a greater mess. You may try to hide your affair, but you cannot do that for a long time. The moment your partner knows about your affair, you will be in a complete mess. So, it is important to be loyal to your partner. Also, if you think that your partner is troublesome, or don’t understand you the way he/she used to in the beginning, then talk to your partner and sort all your issues out. Getting into an affair outside your marriage is a temporary solution that can make your life a real hell.14. Communication Gap
If you don’t communicate with each other, then better start doing it. The communication gap can actually lead to a greater problem in the longer run. It is vital that you ask your partner how his/her day is and tell about yours and talk about household chores, work-related stress, etc. Talking to each other will help you build a strong relationship and release your stress to a great extent. Believe it or not, talking to your loved ones work as an antidote to many life problems.15. Not Making Time For Each Other
Would you like to live with a person who doesn’t make time for you? If your answer is NO, then make sure you make time for your partner. Yes, not making enough time for your partner will only create differences. And one day, you will realize that your relationship has fallen apart. Your partner needs you to hold him/her, be there when he/she needs you, love him/her, make him/her feel special, etc. If you don’t do all this, it is highly unlikely to have a healthy relationship.
Related: 75 Things To Make Your Relationship Stronger16. Not Saying ‘I LOVE YOU’ Quite Often
It may sound bizarre to you, but saying ‘I LOVE YOU’ quite often builds a relationship stronger. Often in the race of life, couples forget to express their feelings for each other, which in turn poison their relationship. If you think that these three words are essential only for the beginning of the relationship, you’re mistaken. Let your partner know that you love him/her. It will boost your relationship, and your partner will also feel happy and proud.17. Trouble Making Physical Relationship
Some relationships simply end because one of the partners feels uncomfortable during physical intimacy. If this is the case with you, then it’s time to seek professional help. A professional can help you with the right advice or treatment (if needed). Know that physical intimacy is vital for a healthy relationship. If it misses in a relationship, then it is sure that it won’t work for long.18. Whining All The Time
People who only make complaints make their own relationship a mess. Of course, nobody likes whining characters. You cannot make complaints about everything in life. Life is not a bed of roses, it is in fact, a perfect blend of thin and thick, and you have to accept it.19. Being Unromantic
Last but not least, being unromantic makes the relationship boring and dull. It is important to be romantic if you want your relationship to work. Romance will keep the flame alive in your relationship. Try to be romantic, and trust it’s not that tough at all. Doing simple things like organizing a candlelight dinner on the terrace, having coffee together in the balcony, attracting your partner by wearing erotic nightwear, etc. can do the wonders in your relationship.
The Bottom Line
It is imperative to avoid these 18 things that destroy your relationships. Doing so will help you have a healthy and robust relationship. These are generally small things that turn to more significant problems if not taken care of on time. Being careful about these points can make both your relationship and your life heavenly!
How to Destroy a Relationship: 6 Unrealistic Expectations
Falling in love is a magical, intoxicating feeling. Oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin - a real "happiness cocktail" - works wonders with the body and it seems that it just flies through the air. Amazing feeling. Emotions take over, and it seems that it will last forever.
“As a teenager, I expected that the feeling of falling in love would last a lifetime. But faced with the reality of relationships and everyday life, I decided that my husband no longer loves me, ”admits coach and relationship specialist Melody Chadamoyo.
To encounter such experiences is to be aware of reality. And this does not mean that love ends. Rather, it can become more stable and deep. There are people who jump from relationship to relationship in search of an emotional high, a feeling of love euphoria. This can also be a form of addiction.
But those who are looking for long-term healthy relationships need to recognize the realities. And they can be very different from happy social media photos. Having discovered problems in communication with a partner, even those that seem unsolvable, it is worth reviewing expectations and checking whether they are true, whether they interfere with the development and prosperity of the relationship, the coach recommends.
Here are 6 unrealistic expectations that can ruin a relationship.
1. “I must be the center of his universe.”
At the beginning of a relationship, a man conquers a woman. He takes her to dinner, movies, and camping trips, and grants her wishes to keep her close. Having achieved this goal, he moves on to others, no less important.
For example, earns money for the family, finds ways of self-realization. This is great for him, but at the same time, a woman may decide that her partner neglects her or he doesn’t care. If she starts to complain, he may feel that she does not appreciate him. It's pretty complicated, admits Melody Chadamoyo.
It is helpful to remember that everyone has obligations to fulfill, including work, family and friends. These people are important and enrich life.
“While my husband and I were preparing for our degree, we made a pact that Saturday would be our day. And we spent it together. We went shopping for groceries and did all the planned things, discussed the events of the week, plans, problems and everything that we wanted to say to each other. Saturdays became our favorite time together - we appreciated it and used it wisely, ”recalls the coach.
2. “If he loves me, he should read my mind.”
Many women have said this more than once during Melody's consultations. This is a fairly common misconception in unhealthy relationships: "If he doesn't understand what I think or feel, then he doesn't love me."
Sounds pretty crazy actually. Can we say what our girlfriends or kids think? Don't we love them? Expecting a man to read our minds is very unrealistic and detrimental to relationships. Communication is important.
Therefore, we need to develop the habit of asking and telling about what we need. Choose words and explain in detail how it will look and what it will mean for us. A man needs to know what is important to us and will make us happy.
Understanding this moment once turned the almost collapsed marriage of Melody Chadamoyo herself into a happy relationship. “To be together, you need to keep that intention and be aware, and provide feedback so that the partner knows if he is doing something right for us. This will leave no room for resentment in your union."
3. "We must always agree with each other."
This is another common romantic expectation. Because we have come to hate confrontation, we think we will be ostracized if someone disagrees with us. The reality is that we all have different experiences, beliefs, and even strange thoughts. And it is normal that we will not agree with each other on everything.
“Loving and appreciating a person who disagrees with you is more difficult and more important,” says Melody Chadamoyo. “You can agree… to disagree and not feel the need to convince each other otherwise.”
There are couples in which people profess different religions, political beliefs, speak different languages and come from different families, and yet they want to be together and happy. They abandoned the need to assert their rightness and the wrongness of their partner.
Namely, this motivation prompts us to look for those with whom we can always agree. However, as far as fundamental values are concerned, it is important to be on the same side, to share common priorities. Knowing our own values will help us choose what is important and what is not and make compromises.
4.“Our relationship will be easy.”
“I wish someone had warned me about the dynamics of change when I got married,” says Melody Chadamoyo. “Although I loved my husband, I was very resistant to being together. Everything he suggested was considered wrong, and in the end we were both unhappy. I wanted to do things my way. His path seemed strange and wrong to me. And I didn’t think about how he felt when I insisted on my own.”
Love by itself does not make relationships easier. Melody expected this to happen, but she was wrong. She was confused and decided that the matter was in her husband - that he did not love her enough or fell out of love.
Most people have no idea what happens after they say "Yes" at a marriage ceremony. It would be great to have someone take your hand and tell you what to expect and what to do to make the fight easier.
Fortunately, Melody and her husband were able to come to terms with reality and communicate. Gradually, everything began to improve, the relationship became wonderful, because both understood: it is necessary to choose what they need to be in order to establish communication and interaction.
5. “He will change for me”
This is an error. Most men are afraid to make commitments precisely because women expect them to change themselves. Some of Melody's clients believe that men are just "the wrong version of a woman."
But men and women are a priori different. Views of the world and ways of solving problems differ. Traditionally, men carry most of their burdens alone, and women usually have a confidant or friends.
“Waiting for a person to change is disrespectful to who he is now. I'm not saying that some men don't change for women. The truth is that they change only if they want to. Is it fair to expect someone to change themselves for you?”
Many people don't change. It takes a lot of patience and work on yourself to correct life habits.
“So, if you meet a person whose characteristics are unacceptable to you, do not agree to be with him,” the author advises. “Instead, find someone whose values align with yours. And if you accept him for who he is, he will cherish you forever.
6. "He will support me"
This question can cause many conflicting opinions. Many women have been brought up to expect a man who will come along and provide them with financial security that they cannot provide for themselves.
“My father said I should always have my own money. He said that a man can leave you, die or be unable to support. I took this to heart and believe that true freedom for a woman can only be achieved when she has her own money. For me, this is reality."
Today, some women earn more than their men. And that too can be accepted. The expectation that a man will support his woman has hurt many couples, but it's not realistic. If a woman lives with such an attitude, she may stop respecting her partner because he earns less, or stop respecting herself.
And if a man does not appreciate himself, he will not be able to give love, the author writes. “Healthy relationships aren't always perfect. But, if you get rid of these 6 unrealistic expectations, your relationship will develop and flourish for many years, ”the expert concludes.
About the author: Melody Chadamoyo is a relationship coach and consultant.
Text: Elena Sivkova Photo source: Getty Images
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10 Tips for Ruining Relationships
Have you seen the comedy How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? In it, the main character, a journalist, decided to tell readers what should not be done in any case if you want to maintain a relationship with a man. I also prepared my list of 10 "harmful" tips, following which you will not have time to blink, as a man will run away from you.
Bad advice #1. Forget about individuality and personal space. You are a couple now. So, everything should be common: interests, friends and hobbies. What? Did he dare to hide something from you? Throw a tantrum right now.
Bad advice #2. Wear 24/7 skirts and dresses. Even to the gym and barbecue with friends. It doesn't matter if it's appropriate or not. Uncomfortable? So you, my dear, woman, be patient.
Bad advice #3. Pay no attention to his experiences and feelings. Tea, not a boy - he will figure it out himself. You are a gentle and fragile princess. And he is a soldier with an unwavering sense of duty. This implies
Bad advice #4. Remind the man more often that he owes. No calm and polite requests. Are you strangers to bow to each other in curtsy?
Bad advice #5. Manipulate. "In love and war, all means are good," remember? Ask for gifts. More blackmail and threats. We assure you that your relationship will not last long.
Bad advice #6. Live in illusion. There is no need to see a partner as he is. You already have your ideal. And if it doesn't match, no problem. Adjust.
Bad advice #7. Be jealous. There can be no question of any trust! Helped carry a bag to a neighbor? Hysterics. Pick up an employee? Scandal. Is he in a relationship with you? So he is your property. And point.
Bad advice #8. Criticize. And what's wrong with that, you're telling the truth. And anyway, you know better. And if he's stupid, that's his problem. It is better to under-praise than to over-praise.
Bad advice #9. Set other men as an example. Katya's husband bought a car, and yours? And Svetkin has golden hands. A positive example will spur and inspire a man.
Bad advice #10. Correct a man in public. Point out his mistakes in front of everyone. Let them see how smart you are. And the fact that you trample his authority into the mud is sheer nonsense.
Three secrets of a happy relationship
In a humorous way, I revealed the main mistakes of women in relationships with a man. I will be objective, representatives of the stronger sex also allow them. Manipulate, violate boundaries, criticize. There is already your conscious choice: to remain in such an alliance or break off destructive relationships.
However, sometimes we blame our partner, forgetting our part of the responsibility. I always suggest starting with yourself. Before evaluating the actions of a man, think about what you are not doing or doing wrong? If you want to build strong and loving relationships don't forget:
- Respect boundaries and personal space. Both your own and your partner's. You are two formed personalities who have come together to make life even richer, more colorful and happier. But this does not mean that you should dissolve in each other. After all, interest will disappear so quickly.
- Be sincere, hear yourself and a man. Today the market is filled with trainings and courses on the topic: "What to do in order not to be left alone." "Gurus" manipulate women with false ideals and values. Wean a woman to hear herself, to be honest and sincere with others. Do what is close to your heart. Like to wear skirts - wear. Don't like it - don't wear it. Choose what makes you feel great. If you love to cook and clean your house, great. If you want to dedicate your life to a career - your right. Don't let yourself be manipulated. And don't manipulate yourself.
- Listen to your partner's needs. We all need security, understanding, acceptance and love. If the partner does not get enough of this in a relationship, then he will not stay in them for a long time. Be attentive to a man: what is he lacking, where is he vulnerable? Ask the man what he most appreciates about you and the relationship that he would like to bring to your union. Just please don't turn this into an interrogation! Casual conversation over a glass of wine or a leisurely conversation while walking is great for revelations. Be prepared to honestly answer similar questions from your partner.
A parable about love and understanding
Finally, I'll tell you a parable:
Two families lived in a neighboring village. In one, they constantly cursed, in the house of others, harmony always reigned. Here in the first family, the wife says to her husband: “Go see how they live so that they never quarrel?” The husband ran up to the house and hid under the neighbor's window.