Polyamory relationship meaning
Polyamorous Relationships: How It Works
A type of ethical non-monogamy, polyamory involves having romantic relationships with multiple people.
Polyamorous relationships are becoming increasingly common. And yet, many people falsely believe that polyamory never works, or that polyamorous relationships are “doomed” from the start.
In truth, it’s a relationship style that works for many people. As with all relationships, communication and respect is key to making it work.
Polyamory works for some people, while others prefer monogamy. Neither is necessarily superior to the other.
Polyamorous relationships — like monogamous relationships — can be healthy and fulfilling, depending on the circumstances and behaviors of the people in them.
Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy that involves committed relationships between two or more people — typically romantic relationships.
Essentially, being in a polyamorous relationship means that you and your partner have the option of dating other people.
Polyamory is not the same as polygamy. Polygamy involves being married to more than one person at a time. Polyamory doesn’t necessarily involve marriage.
Polyamorous relationships also are not necessarily sexual in nature, although they can be.
Relationship woes? Our advice columnist wants to hear from you!
Submit your anonymous questions here for Sex, Love, and All of the Above from Psych Central sex and relationships writer Morgan Mandriota. Then subscribe to our weekly newsletter to find out if your question is featured.
Generally, polyamorous relationships involve having the option to date two or more people at the same time.
Polyamory can look different to different people. There are many “structures” and boundaries you can employ. Each polyamorous person can set their own boundaries based on what they’re comfortable with.
Some of the most common polyamory structures are:
- Polyfidelity. This is where the partners in a group agree not to have sexual or romantic relationships with people who are not in the group.
- Triad. This involves three people who are all dating one another, also called a throuple.
- Quad. Similar to a triad, a quad is a relationship involving four people who are all dating one another.
- Vee (or “V”). This is where one person is dating two different people, but those two people are not dating one another.
Many polyamorous people don’t have a structured set-up. They simply have multiple romantic relationships, going with the flow as they meet new people.
Polyamorous relationships can be hierarchical or non-hierarchical.
In polyamory, a “hierarchy” means one relationship is prioritized above others. For instance, you might be married and consider that your “primary relationship,” while your other relationships are seen as secondary.
There’s a lot of controversial discourse over whether hierarchical relationships are fair or not. One 2021 research study found that people in non-hierarchical polyamorous relationships are about as satisfied as those in hierarchical polyamorous relationships.
Polyamorous structures often change over time as people’s feelings, relationships, and personal circumstances change. This is why communication is something often emphasized in polyamorous groups.
Talking about your needs, boundaries, and feelings is one step toward maintaining healthy and happy relationships.
As with all relationships, polyamorous relationships have boundaries. If you overstep those boundaries, your partner might consider it cheating, or breaking your relationship agreement.
What does infidelity look like in polyamorous relationships? That depends on the nature of the relationship.
For example, let’s say you and your partner agree not to go on dates with other people without telling one another beforehand. However, your partner starts dating someone without your knowledge. That could be considered a violation of your relationship agreement and a form of infidelity.
As another example, let’s say you’re in a polycule (that is, a group of polyamorous people) and you practice polyfidelity (which means you agree not to have romantic or sexual relationships with people outside the group).
But then you start sleeping with someone outside the group. That could be considered an act of infidelity by others in your polycule.
As with all relationships, honesty and communication is key. Overstepping or disregarding boundaries can do some serious damage to your relationship.
Polyamorous relationships can be healthy. Contrary to popular belief, they aren’t all “doomed” — and it’s very possible to have polyamorous relationships that are fulfilling and happy.
As with monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships can be healthy or unhealthy — happy or unhappy — depending on the behaviors and actions of the people who engage in them.
Many people in polyamorous relationships are satisfied and happy. In fact, a 2018 study looked at people in monogamous relationships and people in non-monogamous relationships. The study found no difference in relationship satisfaction between the two groups.
It does not matter if you’re entering a polyamorous or monogamous relationship, the important thing is to consider your mental health when making a commitment to someone.
Many people find polyamorous relationships to be more enjoyable and easier to manage than monogamous relationships.
However, polyamory can pose some challenges, too. For example:
- Time constraints. Having multiple relationships can be difficult because each relationship requires time. A “time squeeze” can be quite stressful.
- Energy constraints. Similarly, each relationship requires energy — emotional, mental, and physical. This can be a challenge, especially if you have difficulties with energy in general.
- Jealousy. Some polyamorous people don’t experience jealousy, while others do. Being jealous isn’t inherently bad, but you’ll want to learn to express and manage it in a healthy way.
Lastly, discrimination can impact your mental health. Many polyamorous people experience difficulty with the stigma attached to non-monogamy.
Facing a lack of acceptance from your friends, family, and community can be stressful.
Research has indicated that many non-monogamous people internalize negative messages about non-monogamy, which can affect their relationships and sense of identity.
Ultimately, it’s up to you to determine whether polyamory is right for you.
Polyamory is not necessarily superior to monogamy — it works for some people and it doesn’t work for others. As we’re all unique individuals with unique needs, there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to relationships.
Before you get into a polyamorous relationship, it’s a good idea to take time educating yourself on polyamory and non-monogamy.
While most people are generally familiar with monogamous relationships, it’s quite difficult to find a blueprint for polyamory.
This means that many of the challenges that are unique to polyamory — such as navigating time management or dealing with jealousy when meeting the partner of your partner — can be even more difficult to deal with. Many may feel alone or at a loss when it comes to dealing with these challenges.
There’s a lot of terminology involved in polyamory, too. Words like “metamour” or “compersion” help people describe relationships and experiences that are unique to non-monogamy. This terminology might seem unnecessary, but it’s extremely useful for communicating with your partners.
So, before you get into polyamory, it’s important to do a little research.
Consider starting with books, listening to podcasts, and viewing forums related to non-monogamy. Learning the terms and discussing polyamory is another great way to prepare yourself.
If you’re interested in learning more about polyamory, there are plenty of resources out there. Websites like PolyInfo.org and Loving More contain a lot of information for those who are new to the concept of polyamory.
Some popular books about polyamory include:
- “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” by Tristan Taormino
- “The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures” by Janet W.
Hardy and Dossie Easton - “Building Open Relationships: Your Hands-On Guide to Swinging, Polyamory, and Beyond!” by Liz Powell
- “The Polyamory Breakup Book: Causes, Prevention, and Survival” by Kathy Labriola
- “Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogomy” by Jessica Fern
You might also enjoy listening to podcasts about polyamory, such as Making Polyamory Work and Polyamory Weekly.
Lastly, whether you’re currently in a polyamorous relationship or not, you might benefit from connecting with polyamorous communities (online or offline). Making friends with like-minded people is a great way to learn more about polyamory and find support.
Polyamorous Relationships: How It Works
A type of ethical non-monogamy, polyamory involves having romantic relationships with multiple people.
Polyamorous relationships are becoming increasingly common. And yet, many people falsely believe that polyamory never works, or that polyamorous relationships are “doomed” from the start.
In truth, it’s a relationship style that works for many people. As with all relationships, communication and respect is key to making it work.
Polyamory works for some people, while others prefer monogamy. Neither is necessarily superior to the other.
Polyamorous relationships — like monogamous relationships — can be healthy and fulfilling, depending on the circumstances and behaviors of the people in them.
Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy that involves committed relationships between two or more people — typically romantic relationships.
Essentially, being in a polyamorous relationship means that you and your partner have the option of dating other people.
Polyamory is not the same as polygamy. Polygamy involves being married to more than one person at a time. Polyamory doesn’t necessarily involve marriage.
Polyamorous relationships also are not necessarily sexual in nature, although they can be.
Relationship woes? Our advice columnist wants to hear from you!
Submit your anonymous questions here for Sex, Love, and All of the Above from Psych Central sex and relationships writer Morgan Mandriota.
Then subscribe to our weekly newsletter to find out if your question is featured.
Generally, polyamorous relationships involve having the option to date two or more people at the same time.
Polyamory can look different to different people. There are many “structures” and boundaries you can employ. Each polyamorous person can set their own boundaries based on what they’re comfortable with.
Some of the most common polyamory structures are:
- Polyfidelity. This is where the partners in a group agree not to have sexual or romantic relationships with people who are not in the group.
- Triad. This involves three people who are all dating one another, also called a throuple.
- Quad. Similar to a triad, a quad is a relationship involving four people who are all dating one another.
- Vee (or “V”). This is where one person is dating two different people, but those two people are not dating one another.
Many polyamorous people don’t have a structured set-up. They simply have multiple romantic relationships, going with the flow as they meet new people.
Polyamorous relationships can be hierarchical or non-hierarchical.
In polyamory, a “hierarchy” means one relationship is prioritized above others. For instance, you might be married and consider that your “primary relationship,” while your other relationships are seen as secondary.
There’s a lot of controversial discourse over whether hierarchical relationships are fair or not. One 2021 research study found that people in non-hierarchical polyamorous relationships are about as satisfied as those in hierarchical polyamorous relationships.
Polyamorous structures often change over time as people’s feelings, relationships, and personal circumstances change. This is why communication is something often emphasized in polyamorous groups.
Talking about your needs, boundaries, and feelings is one step toward maintaining healthy and happy relationships.
As with all relationships, polyamorous relationships have boundaries. If you overstep those boundaries, your partner might consider it cheating, or breaking your relationship agreement.
What does infidelity look like in polyamorous relationships? That depends on the nature of the relationship.
For example, let’s say you and your partner agree not to go on dates with other people without telling one another beforehand. However, your partner starts dating someone without your knowledge. That could be considered a violation of your relationship agreement and a form of infidelity.
As another example, let’s say you’re in a polycule (that is, a group of polyamorous people) and you practice polyfidelity (which means you agree not to have romantic or sexual relationships with people outside the group). But then you start sleeping with someone outside the group. That could be considered an act of infidelity by others in your polycule.
As with all relationships, honesty and communication is key.
Overstepping or disregarding boundaries can do some serious damage to your relationship.
Polyamorous relationships can be healthy. Contrary to popular belief, they aren’t all “doomed” — and it’s very possible to have polyamorous relationships that are fulfilling and happy.
As with monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships can be healthy or unhealthy — happy or unhappy — depending on the behaviors and actions of the people who engage in them.
Many people in polyamorous relationships are satisfied and happy. In fact, a 2018 study looked at people in monogamous relationships and people in non-monogamous relationships. The study found no difference in relationship satisfaction between the two groups.
It does not matter if you’re entering a polyamorous or monogamous relationship, the important thing is to consider your mental health when making a commitment to someone.
Many people find polyamorous relationships to be more enjoyable and easier to manage than monogamous relationships.
However, polyamory can pose some challenges, too. For example:
- Time constraints. Having multiple relationships can be difficult because each relationship requires time. A “time squeeze” can be quite stressful.
- Energy constraints. Similarly, each relationship requires energy — emotional, mental, and physical. This can be a challenge, especially if you have difficulties with energy in general.
- Jealousy. Some polyamorous people don’t experience jealousy, while others do. Being jealous isn’t inherently bad, but you’ll want to learn to express and manage it in a healthy way.
Lastly, discrimination can impact your mental health. Many polyamorous people experience difficulty with the stigma attached to non-monogamy.
Facing a lack of acceptance from your friends, family, and community can be stressful. Research has indicated that many non-monogamous people internalize negative messages about non-monogamy, which can affect their relationships and sense of identity.
Ultimately, it’s up to you to determine whether polyamory is right for you.
Polyamory is not necessarily superior to monogamy — it works for some people and it doesn’t work for others. As we’re all unique individuals with unique needs, there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to relationships.
Before you get into a polyamorous relationship, it’s a good idea to take time educating yourself on polyamory and non-monogamy.
While most people are generally familiar with monogamous relationships, it’s quite difficult to find a blueprint for polyamory.
This means that many of the challenges that are unique to polyamory — such as navigating time management or dealing with jealousy when meeting the partner of your partner — can be even more difficult to deal with. Many may feel alone or at a loss when it comes to dealing with these challenges.
There’s a lot of terminology involved in polyamory, too. Words like “metamour” or “compersion” help people describe relationships and experiences that are unique to non-monogamy.
This terminology might seem unnecessary, but it’s extremely useful for communicating with your partners.
So, before you get into polyamory, it’s important to do a little research.
Consider starting with books, listening to podcasts, and viewing forums related to non-monogamy. Learning the terms and discussing polyamory is another great way to prepare yourself.
If you’re interested in learning more about polyamory, there are plenty of resources out there. Websites like PolyInfo.org and Loving More contain a lot of information for those who are new to the concept of polyamory.
Some popular books about polyamory include:
- “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” by Tristan Taormino
- “The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures” by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton
- “Building Open Relationships: Your Hands-On Guide to Swinging, Polyamory, and Beyond!” by Liz Powell
- “The Polyamory Breakup Book: Causes, Prevention, and Survival” by Kathy Labriola
- “Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogomy” by Jessica Fern
You might also enjoy listening to podcasts about polyamory, such as Making Polyamory Work and Polyamory Weekly.
Lastly, whether you’re currently in a polyamorous relationship or not, you might benefit from connecting with polyamorous communities (online or offline). Making friends with like-minded people is a great way to learn more about polyamory and find support.
What is polyamory: pros and cons, difference from polygamy
- What is polyamory
- What is the difference between polyamory and polygamy
- Why people choose polyamory
- For and against polyamory
- Polyamory in Russia and in the world
- Expert comments
What is polyamory
Polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy - the presence of several partners and intimate relationships. They can be both sexual and platonic, but always with the full consent of all parties, regardless of gender.
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One in five Americans have been in a non-monogamous relationship in the past, and about one in 20 admits to one today.
Studies show that partners in such relationships are happy on a par with married monogamous people [1]. Polyamorous relationships require openness, trust, the consent of all participants, as well as good communication skills, clear boundaries and mutual respect. Polyamory is different from other forms of open relationships, such as swing, which are predominantly sexual relationships involving other people or couples without emotional attachment.
Polyamory is not legally recognized as a form of sexual orientation. But this question remains the subject of much controversy among sexologists and "practicing" polyamorists. Many people in non-monogamous consensual relationships believe that this is their orientation. They tried to find satisfaction in a monogamous relationship, but failed. The term "polyamorous relationship" is still positioned as a personal choice or lifestyle.
© Cottonbro/pexels
What is the difference between polyamory and polygamy
Polyamory is often confused with polygamy or marriage to more than one person at the same time, but they are different concepts.
Polygamy involves marriage to more than one person of the opposite sex, most commonly a man with multiple wives. Polyamory, while including married partners, describes a wider range of relationships, both heterosexual and LGBTQ+.
Non-monogamy can be different. Sexual relationships range from polyamory to polygamy. Other arrangements may include polyverity, a closed relationship that involves sexual and emotional commitment to a group of more than two people, and relationship anarchy, a format in which there is no hierarchy and, accordingly, there is no division of partners into "main" and "additional".
Why people choose polyamory
As a rule, partners consciously choose polyamory because they see it as an opportunity to deepen their connection with each other. Many people think that polyamory is cheating. But this is a common misconception. Cheating is deceit and betrayal, for example, if you and your partner agree not to have sex with other people, but one of you breaks this promise.
The difference between cheating and polyamory is that in the latter case, partners agree to be in relationships with other people.
Some polyamorous advocates see the value of the classic two-partner relationship as obsolete and rethink stereotypes about sex and romance.
“In my close circle, polyamory is the norm, and monogamy is the exception,” says Alexander, a fashion designer in a polyamorous relationship. - As a teenager, I fell in love with everyone, and the stereotype prevented me that you need to love someone alone. From the age of 18, I was in several parallel relationships at once, and this is not about one-time sex, but about an emotional connection as well. I have been married for 20 years and my wife is the best woman in the world. In the beginning, we considered ourselves monogamous. But the need for other people remained, and it was not clear how to talk about it. Later came to polyamory. We discussed issues of jealousy, betrayal, and it turned out that nothing prevents us from enjoying the company of other people.
I think in terms of aesthetic experiences. It happens that a casual connection at a party develops into a wonderful spiritual contact that is not disturbed by distance. So, we meet with N in different countries, we do joint projects. For me, a relationship that lacks a sexual aspect is inferior, and a person with whom an intimate relationship is associated is easier to trust.
There is no standard test for polyamory tendencies. Relationships exist in order to be happy in them. Therefore, to the question “Is polyamory right for you?” the answer will be extremely simple. It is only important to decide how comfortable it is to let several people into your life and share partners with others.
© Rene Ranisch/Unsplash
Pros and cons of polyamory
Any relationship can be destroyed by jealousy and arguments about raising children, warns Alena Golzitskaya, systemic family psychotherapist, researcher at the Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education.
In polyamorous unions, these aspects are complicated by the number of participants. Polyamory can be kept secret from close friends and family. According to the non-profit organization Loving More, at least one in four polyamorous people have been discriminated against.
Among the arguments in favor are the following:
- A polyamorous relationship in which all participants know about each other, voluntarily accept this fact and try to take care of the interests of partners and their feelings, may seem to be the most humane option, where there is no place for betrayal and possible harm caused to the psyche of each of the participants.
- Among the positive aspects, one can highlight the potential for a deeper understanding and elaboration of relations as such, a careful attitude towards partners, more time spent on establishing and maintaining a quality connection. It is impossible to be in a long-term polyamorous relationship and not strive to better understand all the participants, their motivation.
- The most intriguing of the arguments for is the experience of living an emotional and intimate connection with several partners at once, without the burden of guilt and fear of being discovered, without clarifying the relationship and causing pain to those you love. If in polyamorous unions it is possible to build a balanced interaction in which everyone feels comfortable, then the bonuses from such communication can more than exceed the resources spent.
At the same time, the very theoretical model of polyamory — everyone accepts everyone, approves and enjoys loving everyone they like — in practice, it often encounters a harsh reality. Some people are accustomed to wanting the exclusivity of a relationship, especially when falling in love with a partner is great and completely captures. Then any applicant for his attention is perceived as a threat, which gives rise to anger, jealousy and leads to suffering. Thus, it can be difficult to achieve a balance in a relationship when the new person is perceived not as a potential breaker, but as someone who is important to the partner and deserves respect.
© Katerina Holmes/Pexels
Another challenge is making the decision to reformat the relationship. It happens that one in a couple is ready to go for this experiment, while the second is forced to agree, realizing that if he refuses, he will be left or deceived. Under such conditions, it is almost impossible to talk about the free choice of this form of relationship.
And you also need to understand that with the increase in the number of partners, the amount of attention and investment that is required to be done in order to satisfy their relationship needs inevitably increases. Thus, one must be prepared to master the skills of organizing interaction in which no one will be deprived, otherwise a collision with resentment, envy and anger of one of the partners is inevitable, which does not strengthen the union.
Polyamory in Russia and around the world
To collect statistics, sociologists conduct surveys among respondents from polyamorous websites and send out questionnaires.
It should be borne in mind that among the participants there may be simply interested people and those who do not intend to move away from monogamy. In October 2015, 5043 people aged 13–55 were interviewed [2]. The status of the respondents was assessed using the question “Do you consider yourself polyamorous?”. Answer options were offered:
- no, and I never would;
- no, but was before;
- no, but would like to;
- yes.
The study showed that 59.8% of those surveyed consider themselves monogamous, 25.5% would like to try a polyamorous relationship, 7.6% indicated that they were in a relationship in the past, and 7.1% are polyamorous. The number of people from the latter group was higher than the researchers expected. They attribute the high rate to sample bias. It included social media users who take online personality tests. Often these are young, liberal, atheistic and non-heterosexual people.
© openpsychometrics.org
In terms of gender, there are more polyamorous men among men, while women tend to be monogamous in the majority.
© openpsychometrics.org
Age doesn't really change how you think about relationships with multiple partners. After the age of 33, theoretical interest in them decreases against the background of a larger number of both monogamous and polyamorous respondents.
© openpsychometrics.org
In 2015, the poll was also conducted by the American Institute of Public Opinion Gallup [3]. According to the results of the research, it turned out that the number of people choosing polygamy has almost doubled compared to 2001.
Expert comments
Alena Golzitskaya, systemic family psychotherapist, researcher at the Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education
So far, in Russia (as, I believe, in the entire Western world), polyamory is treated with caution. There are no official statistics for our country, and there won't be for a long time. Still, it takes time to introduce something new into such a highly regulated sphere of life as marriage or a romantic partnership.
Apparently, the choice of polyamory is due to the fact that the usual forms of organizing relationships are no longer satisfying. An increase in life expectancy, the emergence of the opportunity to have several relationships, and not just one, orientation to one's own interests and needs - all this leads to the fact that a person is trying to figure out how to arrange the intimate part of his life in a more acceptable way than just entering into secret relationships .
Polyamory may be an attempt to revise the rigid norms of public morality, dictating that only the relationship of two people can be considered as falling under the category of marital or love.
The question "How to come to terms with a partner's polyamory?" wrong. Only a union of several people formed on a voluntary basis can be polyamorous, but if one of the participants must accept such a fate, this is no longer a polyamorous union, but abuse. Not always in polyamorous unions, all participants have sexual relations with each other.
So, for example, in the union of one woman and two men, the latter may not have any physical relationship with each other. And in general, this is what polyamory and a voluntary form of interaction are for, so that no one is forced to do something that he is not ready to do or does not want to do.
Arina Vintovkina, sexologist, psychologist, journalist, author of the @vintovkina_arina blogs and telegram channel “This is normal”, married, 12 years of marriage, in a polyamorous relationship for four years
I am for kindness and awareness, against hypocrisy, gender stereotypes, hetero- and monocentrism. Analyzing my relationships and polyunions of friends, I can say that the only common denominator for adequate polyamory is the absence of initially unsuccessful starting conditions. For example, when people think about polyamory when they find themselves in a crisis situation, and hope to “fix” the relationship in this way. Before going polyamorous, my husband and I were monogamish for several years.
The difference between this term and classical monogamy is that we had more sexual freedom, but the relationship was not completely open. At the same time, sex-positive thinking and mutual trust were always present. When a person appeared in my life, to whom something inside me responded and flared, I immediately informed my husband about it. I wanted to share the joy with a loved one.
Our main principle in polyamorous relationships has been and remains unchanged: first we discuss the next step, then we take it.
Being openly polyamorous means often repulsing attacks and making excuses. I am calm about any private opinion, when it is expressed without obvious hostility. In recent years, I have been called both a narcissist and a person with a mental disorder, reproached for childhood trauma and problems with self-esteem. I can say one thing: by itself, the format of relationships, whatever it may be, does not say anything about human problems or pathologies of the psyche, it is a matter of motivation in each specific case.
And it is impossible to determine it from the threshold if you are not a psychic. There is very little research on polyamory. But those that are, objectively show that there are no differences in personality tests, regardless of the number of partners. Polyamorous people are no more neurotic or immature.
For example, there was a 1986 comparative study on the inability to be in a long-term relationship with 80 couples. Some of them were monogamous, others preferred an open relationship. Five years later, both of them had approximately the same statistics on parting - about 20%.
Polyamory has not made me less jealous than I was, say, ten years ago. The only thing that has changed is that I have learned to live with jealousy. My husband also believes that marriage is not a purchase, but an agreement and the best relationship is possible only for love, without trying to protect a partner from what brings him joy. Under what conditions is a loved one allowed to do what he wants? On the condition that he be happy.
And love is always about acceptance.
Tags: relationships
How polyamorous people live - Poster Daily
Polyamory is a romantic relationship with more than one person at the same time or openness to such a relationship. Six members of two polyamorous unions talk about how this is done in practice.
This text uses a word that begins with the letter B. Since it is important for the disclosure of the topic, but the law forbids us to print it, we will replace it with the word Mizulin (in honor of the most famous fighter for public morality in the Russian parliament).
The story of Alice, Charlie and Bob
Alice
Polyamory is based on the idea that sex is not the main and not the main content of the relationship, that in the age of contraceptives, sex exclusivity has lost its meaning.
And that in general people, if they want, can have many romantic relationships, and not one: provided that all participants are informed and agreed (this is the key point), there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. There are a lot of forms of non-monogamous relationships, and some of them, I would say, differ from each other more than monogamy from individual forms of polyamory. Everything else depends on the specific agreements in the couple/commonwealth.
My husband and I lived in a closed monogamous marriage for several years and did not think about polyamory at all. Then I learned about the existence of the LessWrong rationalist community, among which there are many open polyamorous people - this is how I got acquainted with this phenomenon. My husband and I discussed various forms of polyamory for a long time, possible problems, our desires, and as a result, six months ago, we decided that we wanted to try. For a while I just experimented with different formats, met new people, several times these experiments turned out to be wonderful sex, but in general I did not feel that polyamory somehow drastically changes my life.
Then I met Bob, and it became clear that this relationship is special and for a long time. I'm very happy.
Why do I need it? For all of us. For happiness. After all, in order to hack the ugly, patriarchal, sex-centric system in which there are so few happy couples and so many unhappy ones. There are so many cool people in the world, and the opportunity to have different relationships and love many enriches. I don't believe that love is an item that you can only give to one person. I believe that this is a feeling that arises and intensifies in response to a reciprocal feeling, so there can be as much love as there is enough strength and time.
In practice, polyamory can look different - from marriage with occasional sex on the side to polyamorous communities, when three or more people live under the same roof and raise common children together. In our case, the boundaries are quite clear: my husband and I have a common child, a common life and budget, we live together and now we don’t even consider the possibility of living together with anyone else.
But we can meet other people and build long-term relationships with them. If someone becomes uncomfortable for any reason, we will discuss this and come up with some other rules.
The last rule applies not only to my relationship with my husband, but also to my relationship with partners. I believe that responsibility is necessary in all respects - even if it's a one-night stand. Anyway, this is a certain level of trust, and responsibility is the other side of trust.
Since we switched to an open relationship, my life with my husband has become fuller and more varied, a special closeness and trust has appeared between us, more than before. I can, for example, tell my husband that I'm sad because I miss my boyfriend. And I know that I will receive support, not condemnation. It's a fantastic feeling. I was a little afraid that I would be jealous, because there is still a certain distance between conscious decisions and emotions, but I was surprised to find that I was not just not jealous, but very glad about my husband’s other romantic relationships.
I love him and want him to be well. When he rejoices, I rejoice too.
We haven't come out yet - I feel ready for this and would like to talk about my preferences (I'm a very open person and I like to talk about everything - my husband jokes that I can't do anything without doing about this lecture), but this will automatically make public information about my husband, who is not ready for this.
Those who know generally respond positively, say it's cool, ask smart questions that are nice to answer. Distrust is less common - have you decided to save the marriage and therefore tolerate each other's betrayals? (Not). What will you do if someone wants to live with another person? (The same as monogamous couples - we will discuss everything, we will go to the family therapist, if we cannot figure it out ourselves, we will make a decision). How do you explain this to your child when he starts asking questions? (Words through the mouth, like everything else!)
We live in a society in which a lot is tied to sex, and as long as there is no sex, pluralism does not bother anyone.
No one seriously discusses whether it is possible to be friends with more than one person at the same time. But the idea that you are friends with several people, and with some of them you also have sex, causes misunderstanding and rejection. For me, sex is just another item on the list of everything I love to do with people close to me.
In general, the attitude towards polyamory is not uniform. On the one hand, every year there are more and more materials about it as an interesting new phenomenon that will definitely not remain on the outskirts of society. In Colombia, they even recently concluded the world's first marriage between three men. On the other hand, LGBTQIA+ people are still being discriminated against, including hate-motivated killings, and I'm sure open polyamorous people also suffer from people with so-called traditional values.
One often comes across the opinion that polyamory is the same as group sex. Or just an excuse for Mizulinism . In fact, both are not true.
The difference between polyamory and group sex is simple. Group sex is a sexual practice, like cunnilingus or BDSM. Accordingly, among polyamers there are both people who practice group sex and those who do not; and at the same time there are couples who are identified as monogamous, but at the same time open to group sex.
As for the differences between polyamory and Mizulinism , it is more complicated. Most often, a woman is called Mizulina if she demonstrates free sexual behavior and does not correspond to the patriarchal ideal of a modest, quiet woman. Brightly painted; put on a short skirt; sent an obsessive guy; had more than three sexual partners in her life. By the way, note that all this applies only to women. This phenomenon is called "slut shaming", and not only polyamorous girls, but monogamous girls are at risk of such insults: it is worth "too often", according to society, to change partners or "too often" to have sex, and that's it - you are guaranteed a stigma.
This is a xenophobic reaction of people who grew up in a patriarchal community to freedom and openness.
Charlie, Alice's husband
Polyamory basically excludes a situation like "you are in a happy marriage, but suddenly fell in love - it means that you must definitely choose one partner and suffer from a break with the second." Just like the thesis “if you love a person, then with all the other attractive people you try to keep a friendly distance so that you don’t fall in love and spoil everything for everyone.”
To be honest, I myself would not risk experimenting. First, it was necessary to find out that such a model already exists, and to understand the general principles of polyamory (a good guide in English is on morethantwo.com. But in fact, little has changed in my life. I used to think that there should be equality and attention in a couple to each other's feelings and boundaries. That sex is not the most important thing, but just one of the components. That relationships require attention, care and joint efforts.
That partners may have some different interests, and this does not necessarily harm the union, unlike attempts to control and impose restrictions on each other. Polyamory is all the same, only not with one person, but with several. It remains only to discuss whether you want this with a partner.
Those who are attracted to the idea of relationships with several people need to understand themselves well, be able to talk about their feelings, needs and boundaries, and be able to listen to others. This is also useful in monogamous relationships. But for them, there are many ready-made models in culture that allow you to do without discussions, but not for polyamory. And of course, it is difficult when partners have different views - a compromise cannot always be found.
Bob, Alice's partner
Having kissed Alice for the first time, I accepted all the conditions that we talked about before. That she has a husband, has or could potentially have other relationships. But it is important to me that Alice is awesome.
I feel good about our relationship - I don't need anything else. I enjoy the here and now. Next to her, I feel special.
We have a warm, trusting relationship that I enjoy. We meet whenever possible. When not, we call. We often call up - there is always something to talk about, and our conversations cheer up and relieve stress if it has accumulated during the day. Good communication is sometimes even more important than sex. Sex is possible with anyone, but a wonderful conversation, endorphins, dopamine - only with the elite.
When we realized that the matter was more serious than sex for a couple of nights, we discussed the rules of conduct. Alice can tell me about her other relationships if she wishes. Or maybe not to tell - that's just her business. It is important for her not to accidentally hurt me, and I appreciate it and hope not to hurt her myself.
I can't be jealous of her - because I don't want to and because it's stupid to be jealous. We agreed to share our feelings if Alice or me starts to get stressed out.
It is important not to let the sensations develop into something unpleasant. If I get another partner who will not accept the relationship with Alice, we will discuss how to reformat them and how to deal with the new variable in the equation. In any case, my potential relationship should not affect our confidential communication, and this is the most significant find for me.
Those who are close to me are aware of these relationships — those with whom I can generally discuss my personal life. They react with interest, ask about various details, feelings. I did not face disapproval, and it would be strange - my life, after all, go to hell with your disapproval.
The story of Vova, Sasha and Nastya
Vova
There was no such thing that I read somewhere about polyamory or someone told me about it. Until the age of twenty, I didn’t think about it at all. But gradually it began to seem to me that it is quite possible to have more than one romantic connection and they may not replace each other, but be complementary.
I started practicing in alliance with Sasha. When we met, she had another boyfriend with whom we studied at the institute. And even then, Sasha and I had contacts that went beyond friendship. I do not classify this experience as conscious, but it clearly influenced the fact that we eventually came to this. We have known each other for ten years, and we have been living together for almost four years. Two years ago, we started talking openly about polyamory. The initiative was mine - this stemmed partly from what I saw complexes in Sasha. It seemed to her that no one liked her and no one would want to meet her. And I said, "Why don't you check? Post a profile on a dating site, meet someone, and you'll find out." Then it was more talk.
An important turning point was the emergence of the Polyamorous Moscow group on Vkontakte. We joined it, got acquainted with the party and finally accepted the idea.
The first episode of the new life was a chance meeting with a girl who both me and Sasha liked at the same time.
Nothing came of it, but it gave us a boost. We even fantasized about how to seduce her. And it brought us closer. Soon, another friend from my past appeared, with whom I had previously had an exclusively sexual relationship. And then suddenly we met again, and we had a threesome when she came to visit us. Everyone liked it. Then there was another girl, a chance meeting, a threesome. And then Nastya appeared.
We met at a group lesson in vocals and improvisation. She danced, moved, sang something - perhaps the body language conveyed something to me. My gaze caught on her, I held out my hand to her and called for me.
Nastya later told me that at first she did not understand: how is it that he is clearly flirting with me, but he already has a girlfriend. When I told that Sasha and I are free people in an open relationship, this shocked her somewhat, but aroused her interest. It took her a week to accept.
We meet with Nastya for half a year, regularly, about twice a week.
Our relationship has gone beyond sexual interaction, there is clearly both a romantic component and a spiritually friendly one. Interestingly, Sasha and Nastya also made contact. We are a triangle that is valid on all three sides. I meet separately at home with Nastya when Sasha is away. All three of us meet if Nastya comes to visit. Sasha sometimes meets with Nastya on her own to chat somewhere. We also have threesomes, and it works out very well, getting better and better.
Sasha is not surprised if, when she comes home, she finds Nastya and me naked or almost naked, it has already happened. For her, this is no longer traumatic - because we all have trust in everyone. It is not clear what advice we can give our readers for a happy relationship. Except this one: everything is built on the opportunity to openly discuss anything. If I don't want to answer my partner's questions, I won't build a polyamorous relationship.
Jealousy happens in any relationship, and polyamorous relationships are no exception.
In general, it happens, it seems to me, for three reasons. These are fear of loss, fear of loneliness and low self-esteem. About ten years ago, I was also afraid that I was somehow not like that, nobody needed me. And the attention of the girl with whom I have a relationship to someone else intensified these feelings. But for the most part, I worked this out even before the start of our relationship with Sasha. I already had the confidence that people are different. If she goes to another, then she wants another at the moment. This does not mean that I am worse. If you want vegetables, you will not eat candy, and then eat candy whenever you want, that's all. But it is not so easy to come to this, it is a certain spiritual work.
When Sasha comes back from a date, I always ask: “Well, how was it with you?” I'm pleased. There is such a term - "compression", the antonym of jealousy. Apparently, polyamory came up with. I don't know how common it is. The bottom line is that you experience pleasant sensations when your partner is happy with someone else.
Some say it turns him on. Someone is just happy for a girlfriend or friend. I definitely have this feeling.
Being polyamorous does not mean wanting to have sex with many people. This means the very assumption of the possibility of more than one contact in case a person has hooked you. At some point, polyamorous can only be in one relationship. Or even he may be alone. In this regard, he is no worse than any other person. Polyamory is more of a mindset. And I know privately that I will never stop being polyamorous in terms of worldview.
It seems to me that society reacts to polyamers not as sharply as it does to LGBT people. The latter, according to my observations, often cause a painful negative. And here, with whomever I accidentally spoke about this, in addition to fear, I also see interest. I see eyes light up. And just like in that joke - why, could it be? A person who can honestly ask himself whether he wants to be polyamorous already has a chance to be one. I insist that polyamory does not oblige you to have many contacts.
This is the ideology of allowing more than one contact. And in this regard, I think many, if not all, can.
I would not like to ask myself, for example, whether Sasha and I will be together in five years or whether Nastya will be in my life in two years. The current moment is more important to me. As of now, Nastya is definitely a part of my life. We have very good sexual compatibility. It's already worth a lot. None of us have specific plans for children yet. So far, we are at such a stage that we have just begun to understand ourselves. And - here the three of us converge - until you understand yourself, it's better to wait with the children. But someday, yes, probably.
I was born in Moscow and grew up here. Intelligent family: mother is a radio physicist, father is an electrical engineer. I graduated from the Physics and Mathematics School and MEPhI. At some point, I became seriously interested in music, and this turned out to be much more interesting than, say, programming.
Therefore, now I am a musician-arranger, and I also repair computers, as well as layout, editing, proofreading texts. I am a freelancer.
I live in the present moment. Planning scares me because expectations always spoil reality. I've come to the conclusion that when I don't expect anything from life, I feel better.
Trying to build a long-term relationship with my first boyfriend, I positioned myself as a monogamous woman who wants to cook borscht and give birth to children for her husband. And I even tried to act out the model that I would lead the house, my lover would be my revolutionary, inspirer, and I would be his muse. We talked a lot with each other, shared our feelings. But he had a penchant for all sorts of psychological experiments. He deliberately provoked me, convincing me that I did not know how to control my emotions. I was so jealous of him that I could have hit him. In the end, we broke up, but it was he who introduced me to Vova.
The three of us had a close friendship, we even had sex together.
In fact, on the first day we met Vova, we almost had a threesome. In general, I had some strange things in my head for a long time, despite the fact that I knew that there were attitudes in society: let's make up your mind, either you love Vasya or Petya. And meeting one and looking at someone else is wrong. But I felt something else in myself. And when I myself see how my loved one has sex with someone, I get excited. I would like to do the same. I want to be with them.
Last summer, Vova and I officially opened our relationship. This means that each of us can date the person he likes. He can bring him to our common territory when the other is absent, or invite him to visit if this person is of interest to both. Probably for about half a year it turned out that I was mostly interested in new people. Vova is an introvert, stays at home a lot and is selective in communication. Talking to five people in a day is a lot for him, I think.
I got to know each other in different ways: once after a concert I went up to a guy I liked, went with Vova to meetings of Moscow polyamers from the public in Vkontakte.
There are only 284 people there, very few for the whole of Moscow. At meetings, some burning topics are usually discussed: "How do you deal with jealousy", "What details do you share." Age - from 20 to 40. Those who are 21-24 come to hear how it happens. And older people started when no one knew such words, but they already tried to experiment with relationships. These are often people from parties like role players. Experiments on consciousness lead to the fact that you start trying everything in a row. Today you are an elf, tomorrow you are polyamorous. And the day after tomorrow you will put on a woman's dress and, perhaps, you will be happy too. In general, in a polyamorous family there are a lot of options. Someone only sleeps with people, someone, on the contrary, only communicates and at the same time experiences some kind of romantic feelings. There are polyamorous asexuals, they are not interested in sex, but they can communicate closely and spend time with several people.
In general, as I see it now, I am looking for new friends.
And I just don't draw a line between a friend and a lover. I tried to meet a couple of times just for sex, but I realized that without the ability to make deep contact with a person verbally, I can’t.
About a month and a half ago, I met a young man and felt like an old close friend. Him and his wife. He, unfortunately, went to the USA for a year to work. But we keep in touch with him, share our thoughts and experiences. And this exchange of emotions brings me vitality. It seems to me that if he had not left, then our couples could have had a very interesting communication, including on the basis of joint music-making. But usually Vova is not privy to all the details of my relationship. Not because we have some kind of ban on this, but because I have so many meetings and acquaintances that he says: “I just don’t remember everyone. I do not need it. If you're fine, then fine. If something does not suit you, then let's discuss it. But in general, I don’t want to know all these details.
”
If I have jealousy or other negativity, I try to understand what exactly I need. It happens that I miss a person and I just want to sit and watch a movie with him. Some physical contact. Sharing the latest impressions and emotions. And it happens that, for example, I need to do some things, and out of reluctance to do them and fear, I run away to any other way to spend time, instead of doing something that is also necessary. Vova is sensitive to my emotional state, he sees what is written on my face, often even better than I do. And he says: "I see that you don't like it, I don't want it, if you don't like it, I won't insist."
I was born and raised in St. Petersburg, where I studied at school and at the institute. But since in my third year I met my future young man, instead of graduate school, where I entered, I went to him in Moscow. By education, I am a linguist-translator from English and Swedish, but for the last three years I have worked as a research assistant in the field of geophysics: I communicated with scientists, edited their texts, and sometimes helped organize conferences.
And then I realized that not all my skills and abilities are realized, and now I'm changing jobs. I like to speak in front of people, to tell something, to make presentations. For now, I plan to teach English, work with adult groups.
Of course, when I come to an interview, I will not say: "Hello, I am polyamorous, I have many partners, and we are all happy." But if in a conversation it turns out that a person looks at things more or less broadly, I will tell you. I have not yet encountered open rejection.
For me now, the most important thing is myself and what I feel, and relationships are not the main goal in life. Self-realization is very important to me. I want to practice singing, for example. I dream of taking part in the recording of the album. Perform on the big stage at some music festival as a backing vocalist or even a vocalist. Find some occupation for which I will receive money, but at the same time see that I bring people something new, important and useful.
Teaching can be such a thing. Therefore, I do not break off if someone does not spend time with me.
In our relationship there is no concept of betrayal, but there is the concept of "deceit". For example, if I hid some of my negative emotions, agreed to something, and then said to Vova: "I felt bad, but I agreed because I decided that it would be better for you." To this he can tell me: "You deceived me - and you shouldn't have done so." Because it hurts everyone.
I am sure of my desire to spend a lot of time with Vova and I am almost ready to accept him as a possible father of my children. And I will be fine with the fact that our relationship will be long. It is also important for me that it is interesting and good for him. Living together because we have children, but we hate each other - this option is not for me at all.
I can't fully answer for other people, but I have a hunch that even when people exist in monogamous relationships, they still want other people.
And the taboo nature of these thoughts does not affect their emergence in any way. And if Vova suddenly offers me to close our relationship, I will ask - what then to do with this part of our consciousness? And what level of honesty between us will this lead to?
The global difference between polyamory and the “husband, wife and mistress” situation is that people openly discuss everything, are aware of everything, and everything that happens comes from the consent and, if possible, the emotional well-being of each of the participants. And a mistress is deceit and betrayal. People do things they didn't agree to. There is another variant of relationships like don't ask, don't tell, only within the framework of monogamy. You don't tell me, but if anything, let you have a mistress, but I will never know about it. Let people try to do this, it is impossible to forbid them, but it is better not to do this. Just to keep the head in place.
I was born in Kaluga. When I was six years old, my family and I moved to live in Kirov, where I graduated from the Vyatka humanitarian gymnasium with in-depth study of the English language.
After high school, I studied at the American University in Bulgaria, and moved to Moscow seven years ago. Now I am studying vocals and playing Indian tabla (percussion). In private practice, I teach English and translate. I also underwent professional retraining in the field of "Jungian psychotherapy" at the MAAP (Moscow Association of Analytical Psychology).
I grew up in an environment where the topic of intimacy was taboo, opposed to the spiritual, sublime. The complexes and prohibitions formed on an unconscious level prevented me from building relationships with men. Two and a half years of personal Jungian psychoanalysis made me aware of my emotional and physical needs. I began to get to know my body and six months ago I went to a good sexologist, who helped me say goodbye to pathological scenarios in the field of sexuality and sensuality. I started to do special self-massages and various psychological exercises, for example, I wrote down my negative attitudes like “I don’t get an orgasm”, “I don’t love my body” or “I don’t deserve a stable and good sexual partner”, and then burned them.
Right in the room. It smelled for three days.
And soon I met Vova and Sasha at the authentic voice class. Chemistry immediately arose between me and Vova. He came up to me and started flirting. Then we began to correspond, the conversation immediately began frank and honest, without excessive modesty and equivocation. He said he was open to new sexual relationships, having already had a stable and deep relationship with one girl. Initially, the proposal seemed dubious to me, because I thought that it meant only the role of a mistress, and I also wanted a relationship and emotional intimacy. But in the end, I got both good sex, and friendship, and intimacy, as well as a friend and close person Sasha.
I can't say that everything went smoothly from the very beginning. I had all sorts of emotions, of course. For example, jealousy, especially since we do not live together. My abandonment complex was activated: that their couple is mom and dad, and I am a child who is excluded from the parental bedroom and from solving various “adult issues” like housekeeping.
But we shared all this, discussed it. Now I have practically no jealousy, although periodic "glitches" - scenarios of inferiority - may pop up, but we can always discuss them. I learned a valuable lesson - that my relationship with each person is unique, it is no better or worse than his relationship with other partners and mine with others. These are all different zones of my disclosure in love and intimacy, and my partners have the same zones.
I appreciate the opportunities polyamory gives me. I began to communicate with men, realizing that I could have sex with them if I wanted to. At the same time, I can tell my current partner about this - and this will not be condemned and regarded as treason. At this stage, I have developed a deep relationship with Vova and Sasha. First of all, Vova excites me sexually, but I also have a homosexual part, and I live it.
I like how everything is developing: the liveliness of relations, the fact that we live here and now in contact, trust and openness.
