No contact effect on narcissist
No Contact With A Narcissist – 7 Things Narcissists Do When You Go No Contact
Spread the love
The turmoil of a topsy-turvy (read: toxic) relationship can hamper your mental state, sometimes even leading you to a state of burnout. When you decide to cut ties and initiate no contact with a narcissist, they may react in extreme ways that you may not be prepared for.
As you can probably guess, how narcissists react to no contact borders on toxicity, often even crossing that line. When the source of their validation and admiration is challenged, they find it extremely difficult to accept and cope with the loss.
If you’ve decided to establish no contact with a narcissist, knowing what’s in store can help you figure out what your next steps need to look like. In a nutshell, you’ve got to make sure you follow the no-contact rule religiously, not even breaking it to reinforce it. Let’s take a look at all you need to know.
Narcissists And The No Contact Rule
Table of Contents
First things first, let’s understand what the no-contact rule is. As the name suggests, it’s when you completely cut off all communication with a person, with the intent to move on and begin your journey toward healing.
Though the definition is fairly simple, the execution is not. Cutting off contact with someone you care deeply about may seem impossible but it’s pretty much the only way to learn how to live without the person you now want to leave behind.
When you use no contact, narcissists react in unfavorable ways. They’ll use toxic coercion techniques, desperately begging or trying anything that helps them get their fix of adoration back. Speaking on the subject, psychologist Devaleena Ghosh previously told Bonobology about the damaging way narcissists think.
“They have a peculiar sense of entitlement and believe that the world owes them something. It can also come as a disguise where they oscillate between blatant self-importance and victim-playing when they think they’re helpless souls who have got a raw deal in life. They need constant praise and adoration from their spouse at all times.
They expect special treatment everywhere they go, and they expect their partners to cater to all their needs.”
And when someone with an outlandishly grandiose sense of self-importance (while also self-victimizing) is denied the care and attention they grew used to, it’s clear why the things narcissists do when no contact is initiated can border on toxic and can damage your mental health.
Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox
It’s also extremely important to make sure that you use the no-contact rule for the right reasons. It is not a tactic to be used for manipulation, or for some sort of revenge. You mustn’t cut them off with the hope of inciting a scarcity mindset to win them back, and you mustn’t let them back when the begging eventually begins.
If you give in, you’re giving them another opportunity to walk all over you, as you know they will. Psychologist Pragati Sureka previously told Bonobology, “Someone who takes in any kind of misbehavior actually fans it.
The prosecutor isn’t necessarily as tough or strong as they think. It’s just that they’re allowed to get away with a lot of things. As a result, the victim carries their weakness.”
Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips On How To Deal With A Narcissist Spouse
The things narcissists do when no contact is initiated might even stir up the empath in you, since seeing your former partner hurting isn’t easy to deal with. At the end of the day, you’ve got to remind yourself of what they are. A former partner.
If there were ever a no-contact narcissist rulebook, the first step would be to get yourself acquainted with what’s potentially in store. Let’s take a look at the 7 things narcissists do when you go no contact, so you can begin your journey toward healing and move on from a toxic relationship.
7 Things Narcissists Do When You Go No Contact
“Narcissists often react to criticism very badly. They’re absolutely closed to criticism in any form, even if it’s the most constructive one.
That’s because they think they’re always right and superior to you,” Devaleena previously told Bonobology.
When their perceived superiority is questioned through indefinite no contact (yes, no contact is supposed to be forever), they start to act up. In this list of 7 things narcissists do when you go no contact, you’ll notice that their reaction is closely linked to the five stages of grief, just swinging in extremes. Let’s get into it:
1. Denial & harassment
When you decide to cut all ties with a narcissist, you’re essentially telling them, “You’re not important to me, and you’re not going to get your fix of attention from me.” That’s something a narcissist just cannot accept.
As a result, they’ll ignore your boundaries (as they have in the past) and completely disregard the possibility of not being in touch. The only way to combat this is to reinforce it by not contacting them and blocking them from all possible communication channels.
Unfortunately, the no-contact narcissist may resort to harassment when their denial of your rejection doesn’t bear fruit.
They may show up at your workplace, the places you frequent or may even start bothering your friends and family to get in touch with you.
2. How narcissists react to no contact: Desperation ensues
A narcissist may resort to desperate begging and love-bombingIn almost all cases, a no-contact narcissist will rely on love bombing and desperate attempts to win you back to get the dose of attention from you that they had grown so used to. If you’re wondering if they miss you, they do, but not in a healthy way. They want their fix of adoration, love and admiration back, not you. They were in love with the concept of being admired, not you. They miss the relationship, not you.
As a result, you may see them get obsessed with you and beg for you to come back. Expect lavish gifts, extremely desperate attempts at communication and bombarding you with so-called kindness.
It’s important to understand that if you budge, you’ll only be letting them back in to be used all over again.
According to Psych Central, narcissists often do everything in their power to get you back, but disregard you the minute you show commitment again.
Related Reading: 21 Ways To Tell You Have A Narcissistic Husband
3. Violent anger is a very real possibility
Of all the things narcissists do when no contact is initiated, this one might be the most threatening to your safety. “When arguing with a narcissistic partner, expect them to say provocative and abusive things because they are wired to do so,” psychologist Ridhi Golechha previously told Bonobology.
In such situations, it becomes incredibly important to have a support system ready. Make sure someone around you who you can trust is made aware of the situation, so you can have someone to rely on if need be. No contact with a narcissist may well put you in danger, especially since it’s expected that they’re going to show up at your workplace. Be prepared for the worst, make sure you have a response ready.
4. Self-victimization
In order to gain your sympathy and that of others, narcissists often tend to partake in self-victimizing behavior and mannerisms. They’ll make up emergencies to gain your sympathy. This is known as narcissistic hoovering and is a common manipulation tactic narcissists use to suck you back into the relationship.
As we mentioned, how narcissists react to no contact borders on toxicity. In such situations, it’s important to know that it’s okay to not respond when they make up emergencies or claim that they need you. Though it’s easy to see how sympathy may lead you to break no contact, narcissists often thrive on this technique so they can lure you back in. Sympathy wasn’t what they were after in the first place.
5. Manipulation and gaslighting
Manipulation and gaslighting are common tactics you’ll see when you go no contact with narcissists. In an attempt to gain the superiority back over you again, they’ll try to turn the tables and convince you that you’re the one who did them wrong instead.
They’ll spread rumors about you, painting you as the villain. When given the chance, they’ll paint a new reality of the abuse that made you take this step, and their reality is often going to feature them as the victim.
When they invalidate your feelings and paint a new reality different than the one that took place, it’s what is known as gaslighting. A no-contact narcissist often resorts to this toxic manipulation method to suck you back in again.
Speaking on the subject, psychologist Anita Eliza previously told Bonobology, “Gaslighting in a relationship, simply put, means that your feelings and your reality are denied by the narcissistic person. Some of the typical statements they use are, “Stop being sensitive, you are making an issue out of nothing,” or, “You are exaggerating it, it didn’t happen that way,” “You are overreacting, you need help”.”
6. They may find someone else
According to Psychology Today, it doesn’t take too long for a narcissist to get over a breakup.
It may not seem like it when they’re obsessed with you and bombarding you with their love, but at the end of the day, they need to get their fix from somewhere.
A no-contact narcissist seeks other people while they’re also out chasing what they once had with you. They don’t take much time to heal from a breakup, since their belief that they’re superior to you literally makes it impossible for them to take this as a rejection.
It’s also not a case of them moving on. They tend to look at relationships as a means to an end, and their goal is to have their need for attention and adoration met. They don’t care much where it’s coming from. As long as their ego is satisfied, their thirst is quenched.
Related Reading: Empath Vs Narcissist – The Toxic Relationship Between An Empath And A Narcissist
7. They may give you no-contact as well
Since their inflated ego cannot stomach the fact that you were the one who rejected them, they may downplay your importance in their life and cut off communication with you as well.
In such cases, you’ll see them tell people that you never really mattered in their life in the first place and that they don’t care much.
Such actions stem from the belief that they’re superior to you and that you don’t get to have control over your decisions. You might have seen their perceived superiority whilst arguing with a narcissist. The no-contact narcissist makes themselves believe that you snapped contact with them because they allowed you to do so, and that’s the reality they’ll choose to believe in.
Now that you know the things narcissists do when no contact is initiated, hopefully, you’re in a better position to weather the storm. Whatever happens, understand that this uphill battle leaves absolutely zero room for doubts. Once you’ve decided on what you must do, make sure you follow through.
If you’re currently breaking free of an abusive relationship with a narcissist and require help, Bonobology’s panel of experienced counselors can help paint a path toward recovery.
FAQs
1. Does no contact work on narcissists?
No contact with narcissists often puts them in a spiral of toxic behavior. They will resort to love bombing, begging, self-victimization and other toxic methods to gain back your attention. In other cases, they may just disregard you and find someone else. So, yes, no contact definitely works on narcissists.
2. What happens when you stop talking to a narcissist?
When you stop talking to a narcissist, they’re unable to stomach the rejection and often act out in toxic ways. They may disregard your boundaries, contact your friends and family and react in violent anger. They may make up false emergencies and try to gain your sympathy. They’ll hoover with you in an attempt to suck you back in through manipulation and gaslighting.
3. How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you
When a narcissist can’t control you, they either double down or find someone else.
They try harder to establish control and paint you as the weaker one in the relationship. In other cases, they may try to look elsewhere.
8 Common “Narcissistic Marriage” Problems And How To Handle Them
Dating A Narcissist? Here Are The Signs And How It Changes You
How To Make A Narcissist Miserable – 13 Things To Do
Spread the love
No Contact effect on narcissist: 10 fundamental things a narcissist does during NC
The No Contact is an effective method to heal from a toxic relationship and create healthy boundaries.
Sure, it will hurt and you will deal with indecisiveness because you are breaking a daily pattern.
But, when you go no contact with your narcissistic ex which means no texting/calling, you pull yourself out of negativity.
Most of the time, a narcissistic ex tries to pick up the relationship from where they left off and play the victim.
The most important thing to do is to stay calm, take a step back and not communicate with them.
Defining wrong reasons to go No Contact with a narcissist ex: Will it work?
You should avoid using the No Contact rule to teach your narcissistic ex a lesson.
The crucial aim of using No Contact with a narcissist should be for you to escape from a toxic relationship and break that cycle.
If you’re using the NC rule to allow him to reflect on his mistakes, stay friends with him or take revenge that will not work.
The moment that you start to use this rule with a narcissistic ex, you should know that their ego and self-esteem will be attacked.
Due to restricted communication, your ex will feel helpless and that they’re slowly using control over your life.
Therefore, they might try to manipulate you again and you might not be able to work on your feelings.
Whereas, if you use No Contact just to heal yourself, not try to fix them and move forward, this rule will work!
Here are 10 things a narcissist does when you start to use No Contact with them:
1.
They will convince others that you’re the bad personA narcissist might use specific tools and tactics to induce others with negative thinking.
To gain power, a narcissistic ex will try to convince others that you are the one who harmed them.
At this point, a narcissist might even tell lies and create false stories about you. Thus, your ex has already created and put to work the victim mindset.
In this case, you will need the help of a specialized coach to deal with it.
Most of the time, their behavior will make you miserable. You’ll deal constantly with intrusive thoughts.
They will help you to understand the way a narcissist thinks and what to do.
You will develop a particular plan, especially for you to get out of this situation easily.
2. Sends gifts to “apologize” for their mistakes
Right when you’re starting to forget about them and heal, your narcissistic ex will come back into the scene sending you gifts to apologize.
This is his or her way to ring the bell to tell you that they exist, and in a way, they’re in pain to see you independent of their presence.
A narcissist needs that source of admiration and attention. In this case, that source is you.
3. They will label inaccurate the way or reason you broke up
Unlike an emotionally stable ex, a narcissist will constantly state that there is no good reason for breaking up with him or her.
During No Contact, an emotionally stable ex won’t send you a hundred texts or leave voice mails asking you for explanations regarding the breakup.
A narcissistic ex will constantly deny the fact that you broke up with them.
This is the reason why they keep constantly coming back to you.
When you go No Contact with a narcissist ex, make sure that you eliminate any type of subtle contact with them.
- You can change your number;
- Change your entourage;
- Change your location and remove things that remind you of them;
Thus, you will avoid easy reminders that might turn into enormous issues later on.
4. They will pretend to be sorry for their wrongdoings
Usually, after the breakup, an emotionally stable ex would beg and plead at the beginning of the breakup.
After going No Contact they would try to focus more on themselves in both parts.
On the other hand, a narcissist during no contact will try to constantly beg and plead falsely.
They will do it to just manipulate your feelings and thoughts.
That’s because the no-contact effect on narcissists has a huge role, they just can’t take no for an answer.
They don’t want to let you move on, so they’ll use your weakness against you.
6. They try to mess with your feelings and make you confused
It is one of the narcissist specialties: to play games with your feelings and thoughts.
Once they have done everything to pull you away from them.
A narcissistic ex will go from gaslighting, hurting you verbally or at times even physically to being the sweetest person alive.
As your thoughts and feelings might be mixed, your ex finds joy and pleasure in this game.
6. They might become irritated and disgrace you
How does a narcissist handle rejection and No Contact?
Rejection and distance might arise rage and irritation in a narcissist.
They will take it personally and put their defensive mode on.
With no contact, your narcissistic ex is left without an option to have you under his/her control.
For him or her, it seems that now without touching you or having you near is no hard way to have you in ‘their hands’.
Going through these things creates a huge amount of anger in your ex and their next tactic is to blame you for everything.
They might use exclusive and hurtful language toward you. They aim to hurt your ego, pride, and your self-esteem.
7. Your ex might try to get too close to you
The No Contact rule is taken as revenge from a narcissist. Yes, they view this rule as some sort of punishment.
This is the reason that they appear everywhere. They just want to have again everything under their control.
In this situation, they are quite sensitive and want the world to revolve around them.
During No Contact, a narcissistic person will stalk you in person or through social media.
Once you block him or her on social media or even their number, one thing that your ex will do is show up at every place that you are present to reach out to you.
Be careful, if you feel uneasy and threatened by their actions seek help. Whether from a therapist, your family/friends, or even from any legal office.
8. They might try to convince you that you have accused them wrongly
One of the 6 things that a narcissist does during No Contact tries to convince you that you’re the problem.
A narcissist won’t let you hit the dumper’s stage and conclude by yourself whether you have made the right decision.
They don’t want you to be at peace with your decision and keep interrupting directly or indirectly your healing process.
More precisely, they try to convince you through begging, giving you gifts, love-bombing you, or manipulating your friends.
“One of our clients dealt seemingly with her narcissistic ex when he hoovered over after 6 months to convince her to come back.
Every day he would apologize and leave voice notes. In the meantime, he would give her gifts and send love letters to her office.
On the other hand, he acted like he was the most damaged one in this relationship. If she didn’t go back he said that he might even harm himself.”
All these little hidden elements that clash with one another are hints.
It means that he started out being all caring and loving her the most then switched to being a victim.
9. Your ex is going to pretend that they are the one who ended the relationship
A narcissist can’t admit that they have been defeated.
Yes, going no contact with a narcissist hurt them. That’s because they do not have the power to have full access to you.
They live for power and make you live by their rules.
Instead of accepting this fact and moving on, your ex will inform everyone that they broke up with you.
This person will share your deepest secrets with them and embarrass you in their eyes.
They will create lies that will make them feel powerful and have you under their control.
10. They form a rebound relationship and might ignore you
A narcissistic person is very likely to seek revenge and hurt you.
No Contact for 90 days, 4 months, 6 months, less or more, with a narcissistic ex, can make them jump immediately into another relationship.
With a sole purpose: to hurt you.
They don’t want you to have time to heal and move on.
By putting their defenses on, your ex plays mind games with you, showing that he or she was doing good on their own.
Nevertheless, a narcissist ex will go for 90 days of No Contact and “respect” your boundaries as a part of the game.
~They will come back after 90 days to try their reverse psychology. They won’t try to build up healthy communication.
They will come back to love-bomb you and hoover. It might feel like a dream and it might look like they changed.
Hence, they act like that just to take control of the situation once again.
~Also, if you go No Contact for 6 months with a narcissist, they will return to you.
They will wait 6 months and then contact you just to try and manipulate you again and hinder your healing process.
Remember that a narcissist won’t ever apologize and admit their mistakes genuinely.
He will just come back to just use you and then leave you again.
How does a narcissist feel when you don’t beg and plead?
A narcissist will feel small, powerless, neglected, and confused when you don’t beg and plead.
Since a narcissist is designed to manipulate your feelings and thoughts, having no control destroys them.
On the other hand, some narcissists will take this as an answer to continue and check on you.
This will feed their ego, and they will feel like they need to make a stronger plan to manipulate you.
One of the things that narcissists do when you go No contact with them is try to regain power.
They feel challenged and want to prove to you that they can still get you back.
At the same time, they are angry, panicked, and frustrated. This is all a result of not being able to control the situation.
At this moment, they will be thinking about whether to contact you or not.
They might build a huge wall between you or constantly contact you.
There is no in-between and they start to create stories about you.
They will make themselves victims no matter what and you will be the villain in their story.
Instead of working on themselves as the No Contact rule is, they will take it as a plan to get revenge.
That’s why you should stay calm and follow a plan to not break the No Contact Rule.
Does no contact hurt a narcissist?
No Contact doesn’t hurt a narcissist.
What hurts her or him is the way that you can move on without them and be independent of their presence: it hurts their ego.
What hurts a narcissist is that he or she doesn’t have that power over you anymore.
During No Contact your ex won’t have the same attention from you and that makes your ex go crazy.
On the other hand, a narcissist is bored because for now he or she doesn’t have anyone to use as a source of getting attention.
And what keeps eating inside the narcissist is the feeling of guilt. The feeling of guilt comes from somehow losing the war that they have already set for you.
I broke the No Contact Rule with a narcissist… 5 tips on how to handle this situation!
Keeping No Contact with a narcissistic ex is surely a difficult task! That is due to their need for control, and their incredible ability to get what they want.
A narcissistic ex pushes you towards breaking the No Contact. Your ex might use the method of hoovering to make you go back to him or her.
Here are 5 tips on how to handle this situation:
1. Don’t panic and rush into that relationship immediately. Even though you have broken No Contact and you weren’t supposed to do that, don’t feel scared and overwhelmed.
All you have to do is remind yourself why you started No Contact first.
Even though you might have accepted your ex’s gift or replied shortly, go back again to being distant.
2. Make a distinction between real love and false love. Try to read more about feelings and emotions that someone who loves you truly might express towards you.
3. Read more about No Contact and how that works with a narcissist. Or you might ask for some therapist’s help, which will lead you to an accurate decision of how to react.
4. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for going back again to the place that you once were.
Accept the fact that you will learn persistence with time.
You will be able to fight the urge to go back into their trap once you move away from everything that connects you with them.
In addition, try to seek professional help from a therapist or a relationship coach.
It will help you to not turn yourself into a manipulative ex too.
Otherwise, if you use No Contact to hurt them then you will end up in a vicious circle and you’ll hurt yourself too.
5. When you break no contact, even for the second or third time, don’t feel ashamed. It’s understandable to feel the urge to break the No Contact, especially while dealing with the evil genius games of a narcissist.
The best thing that you can do is realize that you don’t share the same feelings anymore.
Make sure that now you know that your feelings about your narcissistic ex aren’t the same anymore. Now even you as the victim don’t feel that pleasure of getting back!
FAQ: Does the way a narcissist reacts during No Contact impact the way I heal?
1. Do narcissists panic and wait for you to break the No Contact?
Yes, narcissists panic and wait for you to break the No Contact. That’s not because they miss your presence, it’s a harsh thing to accept, but it’s true.
Considering a narcissist’s need for control, admiration, and validation, they’ll do what it takes to get it back. They’ll refuse to blame themself, and use their ways to blame you.
By no contact you have banned your ex from conquering, hurting, and punishing you. They’ll panic because they want their power back.
2. Should you tell a narcissist that you’re doing No Contact?
Telling a narcissist that you’re doing No Contact might be more harmful than doing good to you.
Instead of letting your narcissistic ex know that you’re doing No Contact, you can take action and initiate the No Contact.
You can start by blocking your narcissistic ex on any platform, blocking their number and if you can’t do it at least you might change your number. These are signs that will give your ex a hint that you want to be distant.
3. Can I use the gray rock method instead of the No Contact rule with a narcissistic ex?
You might use the gray rock method on your narcissistic ex the moment that you know you’ll be able to control your emotions and thoughts. And reply very shortly.
The gray rock method is suitable if you have a child together with your ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend or ex-husband.
Being careful and aware can work. But if you don’t have a strong reason to keep in contact, then the best way to heal is No Contact at all.
Best,
Callisto Adams
5 signs that you are in love with a narcissist
- Photo
- Gpointstudio
Selfish behavior can sometimes be characteristic of even the most kind and sympathetic people, and we have no reason not to sometimes enter into their position. But what if your closest person is a narcissist by nature, and you refuse to see it and do nothing but treat all his whims with understanding?
Melanie Tonia Evans, author of the special psychological recovery program Narcissistic Abuse Recovery, is sure that the signs of narcissism in a person are very difficult to recognize. At least until you face a really serious attack. nine0009
“Most of us tend to think that narcissists are just self-absorbed, over-inflated egos, in love with themselves.
But nothing could be further from the truth than such a belief. Many do not even realize that they are dealing with people who, without feeling remorse or guilt for their actions, do everything possible to satisfy their ego, thirst for money, attention, sex, property. With no thought at all about how their actions might affect others,” Evans explains in his book You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse. nine0009
Do you have doubts about your partner? There are five main signs of narcissistic personality disorder.
Emotional instability
Despite the popular belief that a narcissist is preoccupied with his beloved, in reality their mask of complacency can be very fragile. The fact is that they are actually insecure and overreact to triggers that most adults simply ignore. They are extremely sensitive, so typically the narcissist's anger and rage is a reaction to a threat to their fragile self-esteem (this type of threat is also known as "narcissistic injury").
nine0009
You've probably experienced something like this: you talk admiringly about a colleague and suddenly you're accused of being unfaithful. Perhaps he will even suspect that you are completely sexually attracted to the person you are talking about. If the narcissist does not get enough attention in the group, he may create a problem situation or defiantly leave, only to later humiliate all those who dare to draw attention to themselves ( read also : "Othello Syndrome: when jealousy becomes a mania" ). nine0009
Vulnerability can be so severe that occasional fits of jealousy and envy become difficult to level.
"Everyone owes me" and other excessive claims
If you live with a narcissist, then most likely you quickly noticed his unreasonable demands. They believe that "everyone owes them", but the needs of everyone else are rarely taken into account. Self-admiration is part of the inner state of the narcissist, they believe that they deserve special treatment and preferences.
Therefore, they do not hesitate to violate the boundaries of others, sometimes hiding behind a mask of flattery and feigned care ( read also : “He is a tyrant: 5 signs that your man is “breaking” you”).
At the heart of almost every narcissistic project is the desire to get the best part. And even if someone might get hurt, he doesn't care. Without any remorse, he will push anyone under the wheels of the bus, including his spouse and children. The demands of the narcissist extend widely into his life - he is deaf to your worries in everyday life, not to mention important things.
Arguing like a five-year-old child
One of the surest ways to identify a person's narcissistic disorder is to observe their way of conducting a discussion. It can be seen that the defense mechanisms of narcissists range from graceful manipulation to unceremonious violation of the established framework of behavior.
Evans lists the most popular expressions in the narcissist's arsenal: "You didn't let me finish," "Just because I didn't say what you wanted to hear," "You're the only person I'm having problems with.
" During a discussion, you may feel anxious and even wonder if you are going crazy. You may feel like you're being fooled by constantly arguing with elementary concepts, or that you're arguing with an angry five-year-old who doesn't want to stick to the main topic. nine0009
Pathological lies
The narcissist diligently creates a world of his self-deception, and lies are part of his personality. In all likelihood, from the very beginning, he will brag about fictional achievements in the past, complain about those who acted badly in relations with him (usually this is a gross projection and distortion of the behavior and actions of the narcissist himself).
They themselves believe in their lies and are often very convincing, attracting many gullible simpletons. According to Evans, an adult mature person cannot imagine why another adult would say terrible things about someone when in fact they are not. Especially when a person says it while looking into your eyes.
nine0009
The habit of blaming others for their problems
The projection tactic is perhaps one of the most destructive in the narcissist's arsenal. They will easily blame you for what they do themselves. You will be cursed if you do a certain act, and they will also be cursed if you do not do it. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. Your actions for them are a personal insult or even a direct attack. And they will firmly stand on the fact that this is the reason for the problems in your relationship. nine0009
You will need
The book "Disarm the Narcissist", Behari V.T.
Advertising. OOO "Yandex"
Photo: Getty Images
Eva Zalina
The power of the narcissist: 9 steps to freedom experienced much more strongly than in a healthy relationship. The reason is that a narcissist (male or female) floods us with declarations of love almost from the first days, does not tire of admiring, seeking advice, assuring that we are perfection itself, he or she met the best person in his life and is ready for us to Everybody.
nine0009 This is called "love bombing". Then the tactics change - the narcissist seems to retreat a little, his love confessions become less frequent, calmer, and finally the stormy ocean turns into a meager stream. It is a form of manipulation, control, and conditioning that the narcissist uses to keep us in his power.
There is no doubt that we loved. The only problem is that narcissists cannot love us back.
When communicating with them, it is better to rely on your inner instinct, and not on the strength of your feelings. We tend to get so trapped in our feelings that we lose the ability to hear the alarm bells and red flags that come with a toxic relationship. Narcissists cannot keep a face for long - very soon their facade cracks. But they are masters of their craft and, if you are inexperienced, can easily put you on the hook. nine0009
1. Arm yourself with knowledge
The most important and first thing to do in order to get out of the trap is to learn as much as possible about what narcissistic personality disorder is, how narcissists work, their typical behavior and techniques.
You need to arm yourself with knowledge. Repeat and repeat over and over again. Until you study them properly, you won't be able to free yourself from their toxic hook - narcissists make us feel obligated by playing on our sense of duty, conscientiousness. nine0009
Feeling sorry for the narcissist when he or she has you trapped is pointless - they are just using your feelings against you. It is necessary to discard false pity in order to clearly see what you are dealing with.
2. Trust your intuition
Watch yourself - learn to separate feelings and deep inner instinct, intuition. Start trusting your intuition, not your feelings. Associating with a narcissist weakens physical, mental and emotional health because we are trying to understand a person whose behavior contradicts words. nine0009
Instead of listening to what they say, watch what they do. Words lie, actions reveal the truth. We really get to know people through their behavior.
Words are just a breach of your trust.
You feel sick and exhausted because your mind and body tell you that you are in great danger, but everything seems to be fine (because he or she tells you so). Once again, trust your gut instinct. Become a cold-blooded explorer. Silently observe what is happening. nine0009
3. Don't put yourself in their shoes
Go back to where you belong. It's a matter of awareness. Mentally note how difficult it is to do this - these are the consequences of narcissistic processing.
Don't try to guess what they have in mind, imagine their next steps. Putting yourself in their place means trying to understand their motives, justify them, find a reasonable explanation for their behavior, and eventually get bogged down again in the poisonous swamp of their verbal manipulations. nine0009
When you catch yourself trying to "get into the narcissist's head," do your best to distract yourself.
It's hard and it takes a lot of fortitude not to give in to the brainwashing they put on you to make sure they've taken over all the space inside your head.
4. Ignore the messages
For the narcissist, information has no meaning, its only purpose is to suck you into the swamp of manipulation. The task is not to figure out whether to believe or not to believe the words of a narcissist. It is about breaking out of the vicious circle in which you think day and night only about what is connected with the narcissist. nine0009
Do not listen or pay attention to the content of the speeches that the narcissist makes. This is their way to take out your brain to draw you into their world and keep you where you always find yourself in the role of bad and guilty. They will keep pushing your boundaries and blowing the fuses that signal you are approaching the boundaries to constantly keep you on your toes, unbalance, disturb your peace.
Trying to find common sense in the speeches of a narcissist is to force your brain to work in a stressful mode, it gradually drives you crazy.
Know that no matter what they say, narcissists are seeking some benefit for themselves, no matter how logical or beautiful their words sound. Everything is only about them and for them, and the only desire of a narcissist is that you, too, be only about them and for them. They will do and say anything to keep you trapped in their little fantasy world. Once again: watch what they do (not say). nine0009
5. Protect your property and savings
If necessary, start saving money. Remember that they can completely bleed you. Protect everything that is of value to you. Acting from noble feelings and wanting to remain fair, you risk eventually being ruthlessly abandoned without a livelihood.
6. Silence is golden
When we love, we want to share our thoughts and feelings with the person we love — this is natural. But you do not have a loved one, you are dealing with a narcissist who pretends to be your soul mate. nine0009
Resist the temptation to tell them everything you think and feel
You can't move them.
They use your trust against you. The more open you are, the more guns and knives they have in your back. Narcissists love it when you share. If you have to say something, protect yourself as much as possible - don't tell the whole truth, be neutral, obscure or change the subject.
7. Who are you?
Deal with yourself, what you believe in, what is dearest to you in this world, what you want to live and die for. Otherwise, anyone can convince you of anything. Without knowing ourselves, we cannot set boundaries in a relationship - what we are ready to tolerate and what is categorically not. Strengthen your value system and protect what you hold dear. Then you will know what to do and how to behave, instead of hesitating and bending under the onslaught of someone else's will. nine0009
8. Be patient
Keep observing and analyzing. By learning the basic manipulative techniques of narcissists, you will be able to recognize them accurately.
This is a great help in the process of freeing yourself from the illusion of "great love to the grave", "faithful" friendship or family idyll that narcissists have played for you.
Liberation does not happen overnight. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. Be kind and patient with yourself. You learn to act and live in a new way - rethink, clarify yourself and your life principles, move to a new level of relationships with others. Give yourself time to deal with everything that's going on. nine0009
9. Feed your soul
Help others, little by little, quietly and anonymously. Say something nice, even to a stranger. Fulfill one of your little wishes, just for yourself. Draw strength from religion if you are a believer. Breathe deeply and remind yourself that one day you will be free and the joy of life will return to you.
Text: Ksenia Tatarnikova Photo credit: Unsplash
New on the site
Who to thank: 3 simple but important practices of gratitude
Test: Can you guess the New Year's Emoji song?
“My Man’s Friend Wants Children from Him”
How Narcissists Raise Children: A Growing Up Story — Read the Story mother in one piece, but three weeks ago she died.
Learn more
