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My father has no interest in me


5 Signs of Emotional Neglect in Your Relationship With Your Father

Here it is, Fathers Day again, and I just couldnt resist. I googled fun facts about Fathers Day, and I learned two interesting things:

First, 1/3 of Fathers Day cards are humorous. And second, hammers, wrenches and screwdrivers are among the most popular Fathers Day gifts in the U.S.

While these facts are amusing, and not particularly surprising, I cant help but wonder if they might mean something. Does this information say anything in particular about our relationships with our fathers?

I say yes.

As a psychologist, Ive worked with hundreds of fathers, hundreds of wives of fathers, and hundreds of people with fathers. And one of the biggest challenges Ive observed between fathers and their children is how feelings are managed in the relationship.

Since men, for generations, have been discouraged from showing emotions other than anger, many fathers are made deeply uncomfortable by their own feelings, and those of others. Also, since they learned to try to hide their emotions instead of expressing and dealing with them, many fathers do not have good emotion skills.

How does this play out in father/child relationships? When men are emotionally uncomfortable, they seem to gravitate toward two particular coping mechanisms to avoid the feelings involved: humor and activity. Cracking a joke or hammering something are healthy, adaptive and useful, unless they are continually used as a way to avoid sorting through complex feelings, or feeling them.

And sadly, there is no way around it. If your father has spent your lifetime avoiding your feelings (and his), then he has unintentionally emotionally neglected you. But Emotional Neglect is difficult to spot in a father/child relationship.

5 Signs of Emotional Neglect in Your Relationship With Your Father

  1. Do you feel a bit awkward or uncomfortable when you are alone with your father?
  2. Do you feel that your dad doesnt actually know the real you?
  3. Is your relationship with your father bland, or does it feel empty?
  4. Do you struggle to make conversation with your dad?
  5. Do you tend to snap (or feel angry) at your father, and then feel guilty or confused about it?

Of course, no father is perfect, and no one expects perfection. Its all a question of whether your father was able to respond to the emotional part of your relationship, and your emotions as his child, enough.

If you are reading this and thinking, OK, this is me. What do I do now? I understand.

3 Guidelines to Consider

  • Emotional Neglect is nobodys choice. Its invisible, and transmits automatically. Simply put, your father didnt receive emotional validation and responsiveness from his parents, so he didnt know how to do that for you. Responding to your feelings, and teaching you how to name, manage, express and use themsimply was not on his radar screen.
  • If Emotional Neglect is a part of a larger picture of other kinds of mistreatment from your father, like emotional, verbal, physical or sexual abuse, its important to focus more on protecting yourself from him. Put yourself and your own emotional safety needs first, and address the effects of the abuse before you address the neglect.
  • Even if your father means well, is/was not abusive, and is probably not to blame for emotionally neglecting you, the effects of the neglect on you are still powerful and important, and it is vital that you take them seriously.

3 Suggestions For Healing Your Relationship

  • If you think your father is well-meaning but lacks emotion skills, you might consider trying to improve your emotional connection with him. Simply having this goal in your mind will make a difference.
  • Ask your father questions about his childhood, then listen carefully. You may be able to hear stories about how his parents were out of tune with him, or failed him emotionally. If you do, say, That must have been so hard for you, or Did you feel very alone with that? or Where were your parents when that was happening? Strive to feel some empathy for the child your father once was.
  • If your father emotionally neglected you, then Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) has left its footprint on you. Learn everything you can about CEN, and begin to address yours. You can learn the emotion skills you missed, and give yourself what you never got.

Since Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is invisible and unmemorable, it can be difficult to know if you have it. To find out if you are living with the footprint of CEN, Take the Emotional Neglect Questionnaire. Its free.

11 Signs of Emotionally Unavailable Fathers

The role that a father plays in a child’s life is critical to their identity development. A father’s involvement in a child’s life from birth to adolescence and into young adulthood shapes how the child views themselves and the world around them.  This self-awareness and world view is impacted by direct actions and indirect interactions that the father has with the child. Emotionally unavailable fathers have a negative impact on their children in many ways. These fathers often prioritize material things, other people, and their work over their children. They avoid emotional conversations with their children and do not facilitate a safe place for their children to discuss feelings. They often withhold or deny affection, approval, and positive regard leaving their children with unresolved emotions themselves.

Generations of Fathers

Emotionally unavailable fathers often come from generations of fathers who are the same. Emotionally unavailable fathers who were raised by alcoholics have also been shown to lack emotional maturity in adulthood. Additionally, victims of child abuse, sexual abuse, and traumatic childhoods can also struggle with emotional availability with their own children. While these similarities exist in the background, they should not be used as excuses. They are not the burden of the child but unfortunately often repeat in familial cycles without intervention.

One way to counteract the repetition of these negative familial cycle patterns is to seek professional support. Through individual counseling, the child can start to separate their father’s actions from their own sense of self.  Through this process, they will begin to understand that their self-worth is not predicted by any actions or inactions of their father. They can create self-importance through self-talk or accessing male role models that are outside of their home. This may be by way of a stepfather, grandfather, uncle, teacher, counselor, or coach. The most important thing for children of emotionally unavailable fathers is to recognize the actions they exhibit and determine if there is a willingness for the father to change.

Recognizing A Fathers Emotional Unavailability

If the following actions or issues have been addressed with the father and there is no change, there is still hope. Individual counseling is the best tool for helping a child recover from the emotional wounds of this type of parenting dynamic. The child should learn how to maintain emotional boundaries with their father, how to continue using self-affirmations for positive self-regard, and how to continue seeking support from positive external male role models.  Adults of emotionally unavailable fathers may choose to limit contact or disengage from these relationships as a way of self-preservation and maintaining positive mental health.

What Are The 11 Signs of Emotionally Unavailable Fathers’?

  1. Being friendlier or more accommodating to neighbors before their immediate family
  2. Prioritizing work above their children and family
  3. Spending money on self-indulgent material things before the child’s needs
  4. Avoiding emotional connections with children/Minimizing a child's feelings
  5. Refusing accountability and blaming the child for issues
  6. Ignoring the emotional requests of the child for connection/acceptance/approval
  7. Substance Use
  8. Choosing a Spouse over a child
  9. Lack of Involvement in Children’s Activities or Interests
  10. Negative Verbal Communication
  11. Criticism or lack of enthusiasm for Children’s Interests/Unique Personality Traits

Emotionally unavailable fathers can change with the right intervention and willingness. Too often they ignore the requests of their children for more time spent, more emotional connections, and more attention. These fathers have often been raised in similar ways and lack self-awareness necessary for change. They have often gotten into a habit of making excuses for their behavior and justify their actions to avoid facing their own feelings. In some cases, they blame their children and place responsibility on their children to be the “adult” in their relationship. In any and all of these instances, the child is innocent and should not be caught in this negative cycle of emotional immaturity.

How To Help

If you know a child who has an emotionally unavailable father, the best thing you can do is step in. You can do this by being the child’s advocate, support, or voice. Perhaps you are already filling this role. If so, good for you. This is often a role that comes with great responsibility but will be a critical piece to helping to shape a young person's life. Individual counseling is also a great way to provide this person with an objective support system where they can process their feelings safely. They can learn how to navigate this type of father-child dynamic so that they can move on towards not repeating this behavior with their own children one day.

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Doesn't my father even wonder who I am?

#1

#2

is probably not interesting, most men do not give a damn about their children.

#3

High relationship!

Unfortunately it's true0035 07 April 2013, 00:25

#5

#6

But the euphoria of many fathers quickly subsides.

#7

#8

h.

Well, how did you not know when up to 6 months? He lied that he didn’t know, but to meet you he also lied that he couldn’t see each other, couldn’t communicate (they say, life turned out like that, an old song) .. In short, make excuses, face your vile deeds and understand that nothing no longer fix ... Who needs it? Not fathers obviously. P.S. I have the same about

#9

Natalia

Also once asked this question (mother and father were not married, he knew about me and saw me once or twice before the age of 2 years old). And then she grew up, got married and my husband once told me that he had a child from a long-term short relationship whom he had never seen at all. I asked him - would it really not be interesting to see at all? He answered that he did not, because from the very beginning he did not want any child. Apparently, men look at such things a little differently ...

#10

#11

your mother conceived you with the help of donor sperm. You will not have close relations with this person, at most - get to know each other, you will sometimes call-meet as with a new, not very interesting acquaintance, but you will not find a father. You needed him when you were little, and now .. ... Well, see for yourself, of course. Usually, after 5 years of such communication with "newly acquired" dads, all kinds of requests and even claims begin to come from their side (yes, oddly enough). this is what I observe. Maybe everything will be different for you

#12

#13

#13

#13

I always lost interest in my father and needed his help. And when everything is in order - immediately right there.

#14

We lived from hand to mouth, if not for my grandfather, I don’t know how we would have got out of this...

A few years ago (I was 18) myself found it through a friend. Not that she built any illusions, she just wanted to look into his shameless eyes), so he put off the meeting for a long time, all the time he said that he had problems, that he had no money, although I did not hesitate to ask him for them. As a result, we met, before I left for another city, he said that he had separated from my mother, because life had turned out the way it was written above))

A year later I came back to my hometown, my mother and I wanted to find the grave of his mother, I called, but he didn't pick up the phone... I called many times.

Actually, by that moment I already understood that this person is a stranger to me and I treat him just like an acquaintance, there are no related feelings.

I don't think you need to establish relations with such a "father". He left your mother in a difficult situation, she, as I understand it, raised you alone. As long as he lived happily ever after.

Now just wait, when old age will feel it, it will come, it will start to repent, they say it was wrong, "you're my little blood." But it's too late already, don't give in...

#16

then it was not himself who showed up, but his father. but to be honest, I didn’t care anymore, and I didn’t even want to look at them at all. I don’t even remember that they exist, so you reminded me with your topic.

the author, there is nothing to look at.

#17

And he NEVER asked how we were there. He does not know where the grave of his father, my grandfather is, only I take care of it. Doesn't he have any human feelings at all? Isn't it interesting to look at me? But I'm interested to know where he is, how, what he is. I looked on social networks - I did not find it. But I still want it, although I understand - I will only be disappointed ...

#19

If a man has not been interested for many years, he will not change.

Feelings - suddenly - will not appear.

At best, there will be even formal relations.

But what is lost (years, communication) will not appear.

We must appreciate and love those who raised,

Put me on my feet. The truth of life is this... This is his child, his own blood. It seems to be different for men. My father has another son, he is 18 years older than me. I wanted to find him, I don’t want to contact my father, and my father’s relatives don’t know about this son at all. Made children! nine0005

#21

Kraska

My father is not interested in me either, although he was very happy when my mother became pregnant (they were married). Then, during her pregnancy, he sat down (he said that he went to work, he himself was engaged in robbery). She divorced as soon as I was born. Then he came several times, lived nearby, then went through his parents’ apartment, left ... In general, I haven’t seen him since I was 7 years old, and I’m already 30. Although my mother lives at the same address, i.e. not a problem to find. nine0005

And he NEVER asked how we were there. He does not know where the grave of his father, my grandfather is, only I take care of it. Doesn't he have any human feelings at all? Isn't it interesting to look at me? But I'm interested to know where he is, how, what he is. I looked on social networks - I did not find it. But I still want to, although I understand - I will only be disappointed ...

You, the author, are lying, very colorfully, the current is not convincing.

Well, or your mother is lying, but I tend to think that you are. nine0005

#22

Guest

Relatives do not know about this son, you never communicated with your father - how do you know about him?

#23

Guest

Kraska My father is not interested in me either, although he was very happy when my mother became pregnant (they were married). Then, during her pregnancy, he sat down (he said that he went to work, he himself was engaged in robbery). She divorced as soon as I was born. Then he came several times, lived nearby, then went through his parents’ apartment, left ... In general, I haven’t seen him since I was 7 years old, and I’m already 30. Although my mother lives at the same address, i.e. not a problem to find. nine0005

And he NEVER asked how we were there. He does not know where the grave of his father, my grandfather is, only I take care of it. Doesn't he have any human feelings at all? Isn't it interesting to look at me? But I'm interested to know where he is, how, what he is. I looked on social networks - I did not find it. But I still want to, although I understand that I'll only be disappointed...

Didn't mother's parents also consider it necessary to meet her from the maternity hospital? Happens.

You, the author, are lying, very colorfully, the current is not convincing, not a fig. nine0005

Well, or your mother is lying, but I tend to think that you are.

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#24

In nature, the female leads the cubs away from their fathers, they can eat.

But seriously, why should he be interested in you after so many years? It's amazing that you are interested in it. A complete stranger. I would like to be your father, for this there were several 10 years. The common truth says that men love children only of their beloved women. I see the problem in the fact that my mother conveyed her resentment towards him to you. nine0005

#25

Guest

It seems not true to me. BOLLY DO NOT DID DID

9000 #26

To ask it, as he responded, as he responded as he responded as he responded as he responded on her pregnancy, and everything will become clear to you. Although it is so clear judging because I did not meet from the hospital. So appreciate the fact that before your 6 months, he somehow helped. But to meet with him... I don't understand, do you want to hear in person about how he was pro-abortion? nine0005

#27

Invented stories

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    #28

    #30

    9000 6 #31

    High relationship!

    Unfortunately this is true(

    #32

    #33

    Guest

    check, just in case, the real dad might know - an honest citizen of Mozambique or Cambodia and about nothing. this is not uncommon. at the same time, decide: are you ready to change citizenship and country of permanent residence in case another pope is identified.

    Although no, I checked in the mirror - blue eyes, blond hair, I collect chumadans ...

    #34

    Myself in this situation. There are parents, a sister, but they don’t need me in FIG. They didn't even say happy birthday.

    #35

    #36