Missing the narcissist

Why You ‘Miss’ The Narcissist — And What You Should Remember When You Do | by Kathy Wong

I dated a narcissist. Naively, I’d hoped that, with enough effort and honest communication or if I was ‘good enough’, supportive enough, cut ties with the friends he didn’t like, if I was creative enough, pretty enough, successful enough, sexy enough, I could help him through all his anger and our love would eventually conquer all.

But I was wrong.

In truth, he was addicted to his need to be in control. He paraded me around for his image, devoured me whole and spat me out…as punishment for being “weak” enough to love him. That relationship was a total mind fuck. But at the end, I caught myself missing him.

During the No Contact period of healing from a narcissistic abuser, our victories should be celebrated. Whether we’ve remained no contact with our former partner for 30 days or an entire year, there is that familiar longing that creeps up from time to time. It is irrational and destructive, but it is sometimes inevitable.

Remember that your addiction to the narcissist is created early on in the beginning of the relationship. Love-bombing causes us to hope for a bright future together. Grand, romantic gestures, laser-focused attention, and epic dates are all set-ups for reinforcement of positive behavior that give us a break from the periodic abuse they subject us to. They create and cement the memories of a lifetime — and create a strong trauma bond in which the abuser and victim are bonded through shared intense emotional experiences.

Like any human being, we are susceptible to the idealization of this toxic cycle because it represents the fulfillment of our basic human needs: love, belonging, kinship. We want so desperately to have a return on our investment. We have very “human” feelings for our abuser despite it all: we crave their affection, their acceptance, their approval. We are trained to seek their validation. We are hooked on the drug that is their abuse.

When the end of the toxic relationship finally arrives, whether it be imposed by us or the narcissist, grieving has its place too. If our grief is not addressed, it will get lodged in our brains, our hearts, and our spirits as nostalgia for a man or woman that never existed. The tears you cry may not be for the person you thought you knew, but for the façade — the person who pretended to care. But that doesn’t make the pain any less real.

It hurts to erase the people we spent a significant amount of time with — loving, creating memories, attempting to connect. It hurts to be erased without a second thought. It hurts to remember any “good times,” knowing they probably did not mean as much to the narcissist. This is normal and this is human.

But there is a difference between validating our emotions and using them as justifications to continue the cycle.

You can grieve. You can rage (safely). You can miss the person you thought you knew. You can feel like it’s the end of the world.

But you can also give yourself permission to know that it isn’t. This isn’t the end of the world — this is the beginning of a new life. So when you get that irresistible craving in your chest — the one that nudges you to check up on what they’re doing, reach out or respond to a recent attempt at contact, stop.

Breathe. You do not miss the narcissist’s true self. You miss their false mask.

Ask yourself: which moments am I romanticizing? Which moments am I forgetting? I’ll bet that if you look closely, you won’t just remember those romantic trips and dates, but also the crazy arguments preceding them. If you reevaluate all those times they bought you flowers and gifts, you’ll also remember the countless times you cried yourself to sleep, trying to get them to understand your point of view.

You’ll remember each time they sabotaged you, isolated you, betrayed you. You’ll remember all the times they called you names, disrespected you, made you feel small and ashamed about the things you were supposed to be proud of. You’ll remember how they cut away pieces of your identity, bit by bit. You’ll remember how they taunted and belittled you. All those times they wiped away your tears? They were the cause of them. Each time you thought they were going back to the man or woman they pretended to be? They reminded you of how they would never change.

Remember. Remember what they did. How they made you feel all the times they weren’t giving you fake apologies and crocodile tears. Remember how they almost drove you to the point of no return. Remember how they treated you like dirt on the bottom of their shoe. Remember how they tried to rob you of your self-esteem. Remember how they acted like you weren’t enough — even when you always deserved better than the way they treated you.

Narcissists have little to no remorse or empathy. They don’t feel to the extent that we feel. The fact that we feel so deeply for these twisted individuals is evidence that we can one day feel that way for someone actually worthy of our love and attention.

Don’t give up hope. Even by just not having the narcissist in your life, you’re opening up a new pathway. A pathway for healing. For miracles. For light. For true love and self-love to enter. This is the path to your freedom.

Whenever you’re tempted to re-engage in the toxicity and break No Contact, I want you to read this. I want you to remember how far you’ve come. Remember your sense of self-worth — and never forget all the ways they tried to take it from you.

When You Start "Missing" Your Narcissistic Ex, Remember This | Lisa Hawkins

Do you have a narcissistic ex who won't leave you alone?

Do you find yourself thinking, "I need help to not respond to their texts and phone calls! But, I also miss them!"

Then, it all comes flooding back — the shared memories, the feeling of heart fluttering in the beginning, and the deep longing for what was. 

You desire to have those times back.

"Maybe he's changed." You're lying to yourself.

RELATED: 8 Smart, Simple Steps For How To Deal With A Narcissist

How do you stop missing a narcissistic ex?

People who attract narcissists have lax boundaries. They empathize past what's healthy and eroticize being with someone who's wounded and in pain.

Narcissists are attracted to those who are codependent and don’t speak up to ask for what they want.

They think that "over the top" chemistry is love — but it isn’t.

People who have had a narcissistic parent have been conditioned to think that their "grandiose" self is normal and makes them confident. It's not, but the brain thinks it is and confuses them.

Certain people attract narcissists because they haven’t dealt with their own trauma.

They are seeking to heal it outwardly by "being there for someone else who is wounded."

When I hear women who have found the strength to break free from a narcissistic partner, what I hear is a lot of longing, desperation, and “missing him.”

They've conveniently blocked out the awful stuff.

This is exactly why you got into a relationship with a narcissist in the beginning.

You're subconsciously looking for "normalized abuse. " And when you're free from it, you have withdrawal symptoms.

You're not dealing with your own issues. You abandoned yourself for them and you're avoiding getting back to you.

The person you're really missing is yourself.

You confuse this as "missing the narcissist" by focusing on the "good times."

The good times were never really authentic. This was planned — either consciously or subconsciously — to hook you and keep you hooked. You're missing the point.

You left because of the bad times. You're not reminding yourself of why you left. You’re pining over times when they were giving you a "high" that you secretly desired, as if you "won" the lottery with them.

Then, they hit you hard with many covert tactics and you conveniently forget those once in the past.

Don't set yourself up to be with another narcissist.

You’re setting yourself up to be with another narcissist as soon as one comes along — you’ll be high on that feeling again.

When you "long" for something that hard, you’ll attract it back to you again. .. Until you get it!

That intense desire you have for someone to "love" you the way you deeply need is a reflection your wounds. It's not true love.

Focus on why you broke up. 

Stop longing for something unhealthy that you've eroticized. Focus on why you left them, especially when your mind is reminding you of the "good times."

Realize the good times are not "real love." What you see when it was abusive, diminishing, hurtful, or betraying is also part of the equation — a major part.

It’s like eating too much pizza because it tastes yummy while knowing you'll end up in the hospital later on in agony. It’s self-abuse — like taking drugs!

RELATED: 5 Forms Of Narcissistic Abuse That Narcissists Use To Get Inside Your Head

Going back to a narcissist is an addiction.

When you stop hooking yourself on "fake" happiness and "toxic love" and start giving yourself that love, you won’t feel that "longing" for what only gets you the same as what you're currently going through withdrawals from.

Stop hooking yourself on someone’s wounded heart and fake self-confidence. Stop hooking yourself on their words, and instead pay attention to the entire picture.

This is blunt and it’s also something that needs pondering before you text them back, return their call, meet them as "friends," or see them for "closure."

Those are all excuses to "get a hit off heroin" — just a tiny bit. Only to notice again, they will use it against you. You ran into the concrete wall again because you weren’t paying attention again!

It’s tough love.

"Just this once," you say. "Then I’ll stop. I promise."

When you’re high off them, you don’t question it — only to do it again and then wonder why.

Is this repetition annoying you? Because this is exactly what others see, and you don’t.

You see, I’ve been there — hitting the pothole again and thinking I’ll miss it next time, only to hit it again on another road. I still wasn't "paying attention."

I know that longing that I so desperately wanted to experience in this lifetime. To finally have the feeling that I was deeply and truly loved.

I subconsciously have blinders on, and they would slip back over my eyes as soon as my subconscious mind found another target.

It happens before we even can catch it. That feeling of familiarity and comfort we have with this new person. I feel like I’ve known them forever.

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Yes, I did know them. A different name, different body, different likes, and yet, still that same person. The one who could never find true value in me.

And I wanted to continue to chase that, hoping to have that longing satisfied — finally!

Love yourself first and foremost.

It's time to deal with your addiction to narcissists.

Stop drinking up the poison because it tastes good. Love thyself!

I now understand and feel repulsed by this and I don’t have a longing anymore. I’m happy being me and loving myself, especially when I think I need someone to satisfy my need to be loved.

Those times, I need to step up on loving myself.

When a man comes along, I need nothing other than to chat and have fun.

Genuine love will develop over time, and not be some drug-like effect coming over me that I can’t stop, or that won’t stop.

Either way, I’m happy!

RELATED: How To Instantly Spot A Sociopath Or Narcissist

More for You:

Lisa Hawkins is a certified life coach, certified cognitive-behavioral therapy coach, and a dating and relationship coach. She has 26 years of experience in personal growth and development, psychology, and human behavior with an emphasis on relationships, which includes the most important one: with yourself. For more information, visit her website.

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This article was originally published at Elephant Journal . Reprinted with permission from the author.

Kim Saeed. Why is it so important to cut contact with a narcissist?

Since you are reading this article, you are probably looking for arguments confirming that it is precisely the refusal of contact that is the best way to get out of a destructive relationship. Perhaps you have already read some articles on this topic and were perplexed by conflicting information, or maybe you have not yet found materials that are consonant with what you are feeling at the moment.

You may have seen arguments like this before:

  • Disconnection gives you an advantage and the opportunity to have the last word

  • Disconnection is the most painful injury for a narcissist

  • Disconnection satisfies your revengeful feelings

  • This is a good way to punish a narcissist
  • make a narcissist miss you

… the list goes on.

If you have been abused, abandoned, and/or found out that your partner has been cheating on you, then the above arguments may sound convincing to you. However, none of them is a serious reason for breaking contact.

The best reasons to break contact are self-protection, healing, and the prospect of a life free of violence, filled with harmony and happiness.

What are the real benefits of breaking contact?

If you have already made attempts to break contact, but then changed your mind, then you have already seen that this will lead to absolutely nothing. You haven't found peace, your relationship hasn't improved, you haven't received an apology. The only person who has benefited from your renewed contact is the narcissist himself, who has thus established himself in his power over you, as well as in his own godlikeness, confirmed by the possibility of influencing you.

Think long term. If you stick to the no-contact policy and follow the path of healing, you will recover and ultimately be happy. If you change your decision to break off contact, then you will experience trauma all your life due to silent avoidance, dependence on someone else's will, betrayal, lies, exploitation and humiliating statements that undermine your vitality.

Renewing contact will never get you the approval and support you are looking for in a narcissist, because you are trying to renew contact in his interests. In fact, the more you cooperate with the narcissist, the worse you will feel for a long time, while he himself will continue to devalue and rob you of self-confidence.

Renewal of contact, often initiated by the narcissist, can lead to severe depression. Sometimes his ex-partners commit suicide for the reasons mentioned above. Don't follow in their footsteps! If you feel that you cannot cope with suicidal thoughts, please find a qualified specialist or call the hotline.

How can you help yourself not to renew contact?

Here are some suggestions:

  • Write (but don't send!) a letter to the narcissist confessing your feelings to him

  • Describe your successes, thoughts and dreams in a diary

  • Stop reading materials about narcissism, read more about the possibilities of self-healing

  • Find resources on PTSD recovery, healing internal trauma, working with the Inner Child

  • Find a coach, friend or mentor who will support you in your decision to go all the way. Find a support group online, among your friends, or a therapy group dedicated to codependency issues

Recovery from abuse begins with breaking contact. There is simply no other way. Each person may require a different recovery time, and the length of this period is related to the responsibility of the person himself and his readiness for healing.

What else can you do today for a better tomorrow?

Kim Saeed

From: http://letmereach.com/2014/12/02/why-go-no-contact-with-the-narcissist/

Translation: Sirin (from SHRM)

Tags: kim saeed, narcissism, self defense It identifies vulnerabilities and strikes at pain points. Even if you are excellent at leading a discussion and finding solutions that would reconcile all parties, you will not find a common language.

You have different tasks: you want compromise and mutual understanding, and the narcissist is trying to raise his self-esteem at the expense of you. If circumstances force us to interact with such people, we need to develop methods of self-defense.

Don't stoop to their level. Narcissus loves confrontation. He will do anything to make you nervous and lose control of the situation. As soon as he gets personal, tell yourself “stop” and imagine: everything he says does not concern you from now on.

Concentrate on being polite but closed. Try to end the conversation, but not defiantly slamming the door, but limiting yourself to formal phrases. As soon as you emotionally distance yourself, you will disarm him.

Narcissists teach to give warmth and attention only to those who appreciate it and are tuned in to a reciprocal spiritual movement

Why say thank you? “You develop your emotional intelligence, that is, the ability to recognize emotions, feel the intentions and motivation of the interlocutor,” says cognitive therapist Marina Myaus. “Meeting such a person will help you learn how to manage feelings and keep impulses under control.

Don't feed his ego. Narcissists avoid any challenge in life. They direct all their energy to controlling the impossible - the thoughts and actions of others. They voluntarily put themselves in a cage, isolated from the spontaneous flow of life with natural experiences and impressions.

But don't get too close and try to feed these people's egos. All kind words and compliments addressed to them only convince them of their own exclusivity and your, in comparison with them, insignificance.

Why say thank you? “Human connections are a two-way road. Narcissists teach us to give warmth and attention only to those who appreciate it and are tuned in to a reciprocal spiritual movement. We understand that it is not worth exchanging for people for whom we mean nothing.”

Don't take responsibility for his emotions. Do not try to calm him down and provide support if he is angry or upset. Any desire to meet halfway is regarded as a sign of weakness.

Why say thank you? Most of the time he is in a negative frame of mind. “He is desperately afraid of the unpredictability of life, in which people sometimes fail and make mistakes,” explains the psychologist. “The narcissist is a good mirror to see what the fear of leaving the comfort zone leads to, attempts to blame other people for their failures and deal with shortcomings not in themselves, but in those around them.”

Don't give ultimatums. Relations cannot be built on threats and demands. This is the most common form of control, which is why the narcissist uses this technique. By following his example, you will put yourself on the same level with him.

Why say thank you? “For the lesson about the need to remain yourself, not to change the principles, to respect yourself and the interlocutor in any circumstances, even if you are provoked to retaliate aggression,” says Marina Myaus.

Text: Sabina Safarova Photo Source: Getty Images

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