How to break up without pain

How to Break Up With Someone Nicely

As the old Neil Sedaka tune goes, breaking up is hard to do. Even when you’re the one making the call to end things, it’s tough to look someone in the eye and tell them you’re just not in love anymore. That’s probably why ghosting has become so prevalent: Since so much of our relationships occur via a screen, it’s easy to cut off coupledom without even exchanging a text.

But that can be construed as cowardly. If you’re in a relationship with someone, that means at one point, you loved (or at least liked) this person enough to share your time with them. “Face to face interaction is an important piece of a dignified break up,” says Tzlil Hertzberg, a therapist specializing in relationships at MyTherapist New York. And you owe them the common courtesy. If they don’t see it coming, that may make for an uncomfortable exchange. But you’re a grown-up, and you can do this. Here’s how to break up with someone in the nicest way possible.

Before you have the conversation, ask yourself why you're not satisfied.

You probably didn’t decide to break up on a whim, so don’t go into it like you did. Think long and hard about why you’re doing this and what you want to say, so that you can go into a conversation feeling strong about your decision.

“Ask yourself why you want to end it: Is there a lack of romantic feelings, do you have limited common ground, are you just not feeling it?” says Brittany Bouffard, a clinical social worker and psychotherapist in Denver, CO. For a short relationship, the answer may be pretty clear. For longer relationships, the reasons will be more complex. “Talk these out with trusted friends, journal out both your reasons and the feelings that come up, and consider talking with a therapist if you’re unsure,” she advises.

Don't drag it out.

And once you’ve made the decision, just do it. You don’t need to give them a head’s up (is any phrase more dreaded in a relationship than “we need to talk”?), but make plans to meet in person, then rip the Band-Aid off. Give yourself an out the same way you would on a first date by making plans with a friend immediately afterwards; a firm deadline will keep you from feeling like you have to rehash the conversation over and over as your former partner comes to terms with it.

Remember to be kind in the moment.

Never has the golden rule been more applicable: Treat the other person as you would want to be treated. Because breakups involve a lot of feelings, sometimes, our emotions can get the best of us. But if you’re the one initiating the separation, be the bigger person and stick to your practiced script.

Avoid focusing on what you think they did wrong.

“The breakup conversation will most likely be uncomfortable­, so be prepared for that,” says Hertzberg. “You can acknowledge how difficult and scary it is out loud. Just because you’re breaking up with someone doesn't mean you two can't share a moment of sadness together.”

However you explain that the relationship is over, don’t turn it into the blame game. Instead, make the reasoning about yourself. “No one can argue with you about your own preferences or feelings; they can argue with you if you are vague or make statements/assumptions about their feelings,” says Dea Dean, a marriage and family therapist and professional counselor in Ridgeland, MS. To do that, use “I”­ statements to explain what you think or feel isn’t working.

Be direct.

You can be gentle while being clear and direct about what you want. “Kindness and empathy really go a long way in a difficult situation like this,” says Hertzberg. “Just validating the other person's feelings around the breakup can be healing. Use sentences that reflect your understanding of how the person feels, while also making sure you clearly express yourself. ” Remember, this is another human being with feelings, not just some entity on the other end of your cell phone.

Skip clichés like "it's not you, it's me."

The goal of a breakup is to let someone down easy and end things without a lot of hurt and anger; not to shred their self-esteem (you do want them to go on to find happiness with someone else, right?).

A major no-no during the breakup convo is trite excuses (ahem, “it’s not you, it’s me”). “We all know the break­up clichés,” says Bouffard. When you aren’t specific about why this is happening, you rob someone of a sense of closure; they’re stuck guessing what went wrong. And “when people hear a vague reason, they blame themselves more,” she adds.

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Being definitive is really about showing the other person respect, too. “A lot of people think they’re lessening the blow by ‘leaving the door open, making statements like, ‘I’m just not in the right place for a relationship right now,’ or ‘maybe this would work out in the future,’” says Dean. Don’t do that. “It’s not the truth and you both know it, so save them from condescension.”

And don’t play the martyr. “A huge mistake is saying something like, ‘I just don’t want to hurt you,’ or even ‘I think you’re looking for something more than I am,’” says Dean. “You’re setting yourself up to be met with resistance here. Just say it: ‘I don’t have romantic feelings for you and I wanted to let you know as soon as that became apparent to me.’”

Finally, steer clear of false promises.

So it’s done. But a clean breakup conversation doesn’t always mean the absence of guilt and lingering feelings towards the other person.

“We tend to have the instincts to end things on a positive note, making sure the other person is placated in some way,” says Hertzberg. After the conversation, make sure you don't express insincere intentions, like 'staying friends' if you don't mean it.” Whatever your decision, stand firm in it and make sure to take some space from that person to let things settle down.

If you interact after the breakup, though, don’t tiptoe around the other person. “That can be super insulting,” says Dean. “Just say hello, ask about their life, share about yours, but most importantly behave in accordance to your belief that this is a strong, resourceful person who may not have been the right fit for you, but is the right fit for someone else.”

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Ashley Mateo

Ashley Mateo is a writer, editor, and UESCA- and RRCA-certified running coach who has contributed to Runner’s World, Bicycling, Women's Health, Health, Shape, Self, and more. She’ll go anywhere in the world once—even if it’s just for a good story. Also into: good pizza, good beer, and good photos.

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How to Break Up With Someone Without Hurting Them

The Proper Way of Dumping Someone Without Being a Jerk

Alex Manley





Breaking up can be a truly brutal emotional experience. Depending on how long the relationship lasted, the depth of your emotional connection and how enmeshed you are in each other’s social lives, splitting up can feel like your whole life has changed drastically without warning.

But a lot of the talk about how difficult breakups are focuses on how hard it is for the person on the receiving end. While that’s incredibly valid, sometimes the experiences of the person ending things get overlooked. Some might think that since you had the final say in the decision, you’re relatively OK, and while that may be the case for some people, it’s far from a universal experience.

RELATED: How to Know When It’s Time to Break Up

Breaking up isn’t easy for either party involved. As a result, people often stay in relationships longer than they should, try to provoke their partner into being the one who ends things or even begin to cheat in order to fulfill unmet desires rather than simply ending things.

As daunting as ending a relationship can feel, if you’re truly not happy and you’ve exhausted the other options available to you in terms of improving the relationship, you owe it to everyone involved to end things sooner, rather than later. It’s best to  begin the process of healing and just move on.

If that sounds like the situation you’re in right now (or feel like the end is imminent), here’s what you should know about breaking up with someone as nicely as possible:


Signs It’s Time to Break Up

“My ex and I had been fighting practically every night for a month straight over minor stuff. I hadn’t been happy for a long time and at some point I realized those fights were my subconscious way of punishing her for how unhappy the relationship had made me. That’s when I knew I had to end it.” - Ian, 30

Before you get into the ins and outs of how to break up, you first need to be sure that you need to break up.

Depending on your age, emotional maturity and level of relationship experience, it’s possible for minor conflicts or resolvable issues to feel insurmountable. You might feel like you have no idea how to deal with a given relationship problem and decide to break things off without talking to your partner about it at all ... but that’s probably not a good idea.

The real signs that you need to break up with the person you’re with, according to dating and relationship experts, are those that are long-lasting, difficult or impossible to fix, and severe. For Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of “Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today,” that can mean a cruel partner, first and foremost.

“If you or your children are subjected to violence, verbal abuse or sexual abuse, it's important for you to get safety for yourself and your children,” says Tessina. “Report the abuse, get a restraining order, and get out of the relationship.”

Dating coach Connell Barrett notes that their bad treatment doesn’t need to extend to full-blown abuse in order to be a deal-breaker.“It's a huge, waving red flag if the other person consistently treats you with contempt,” he says, such as “criticizing you, blaming you for problems in the relationship, or asking you to compromise your values.”

Tessina also highlights the caustic nature of a partner battling demons they can’t control that negatively impact your well-being as well.

It’s a bad sign, she says, if “your partner is struggling with compulsive behavior: either a sexual compulsion to keep having affairs, spending money on porn, or other compulsive behaviors such as gambling, drugs, alcohol or losing money on the stock market. If you've caught your spouse out of bounds before, and he or she keeps repeating the behavior, it's an addiction that's out of control.”

According to Barrett, if your partner’s not fulfilling your sexual needs, that’s a big deal, too.  “There's more to life than sex, but if the two of you rarely or never have it, there's a problem — and it may be time to end things,” he suggests. “A relationship without physical and emotional intimacy is not a romantic relationship. It's just a friendship.”

RELATED: How to Fix a Sexless Relationship

Along with a dried-up sex drive, an unhappy relationship might also be sapping your self-esteem.

What’s a sign that your relationship is draining you rather than boosting you up? “You stop putting energy into your appearance (ie: shaving, working out, being nice), not because you feel comfortable, but because you don't care,” says Laurel House, a dating expert and host of the “Man Whisperer” podcast.  “[Or] you find yourself putting effort into yourself (i.e. shaving, working out, dressing well), not because you want her to notice and find you attractive, but because you want someone else to notice and find you attractive.”

If you find yourself worrying that this applies to you, Barrett suggests a little thought experiment to help you understand your own priorities.

“To help you decide whether or not to end things, do what's called ‘future pacing,’” he says. “Imagine your future self, say, five years into the future, enjoying a life that feels fulfilling, happy, content. Is your current partner part of that picture? If they're not, you no longer see them in your life for the long term. It’s wiser and better for both of you to sever things now, so that you can both find people to build a life with.”

2. Dos for Breaking Up With Someone

“I was dumped well by a Tinder guy once. He met up with me just to tell me I’m nice and we should be friends. Haven’t spoken since but we follow each other on Instagram and I always remember him as being a good, stand-up guy. Just really solid to end things with a respectful in-person hang that’s platonic. I felt respected and less objectified.” - Joyce, 29

So how do you pull off the perfect breakup? Well, there’s not really any such thing. You have to be conscious that feelings will be hurt, and that you’ll both probably be sad for the next little while (if not longer). That said, there are definitely ways you can make the process less difficult and painful for both people.

Do Have a Pre-Breakup Conversation

If you’re in the process of thinking about breaking up, House suggests having a pre-breakup conversation where you simply address what your needs are — and how you feel they’re not being met.

RELATED: How to Make a Long-Term Relationship Work

“Once you figure those out, then you need to sit down and have a real, honest, calm, loving, but direct conversation about your relationship needs and gently, but honestly and again directly express which are not being fulfilled,” she says. “This isn’t the breakup conversation … yet. It’s the preparation. Say something to the effect of: 

‘I have been thinking about my needs in a relationship, and you fulfill many of them. I love how you make me feel … but there are several very important needs that aren’t being met and I am wondering if these are things that we can work on, or if we are at an impasse.’”

After that, you can hit on the points of how your wants and needs are being passed over. “Come up with a plan together on how they can work on fulfilling them,” she adds. “If improvement hasn’t happened over about a month, then you need to have another conversation, that will likely end with a goodbye.” 

Do the Breaking Up in Person

If you have that difficult conversation about your needs and you find that you’re still unhappy, it’s best to break up face-to-face.

“Don’t end it over text or by phone,” says Barrett. “Meet up with them in-person. It's the right thing to do, and it also gives your partner a chance to better ‘experience’ the breakup. They can see your eyes, hear your voice, and take you in. This helps expedite the process of closure.”

If you really can’t stomach an in-person meeting — or for some reason physically meeting up isn’t an option — Tessina suggests a phone call rather than a text or email. “Be nice about it, do it in person or on the phone,” she says. “Your heart has to be in it, too. Don't ghost this partner or string anyone along, not answering calls, etc. That's mean.”

As for where to do the deed, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. However, Barrett suggests against doing it in public.

“It can be very hard to feel the eyes of others on you if you're hurting and feeling emotionally raw and vulnerable,” he says. “And don't break up at your place, because you’ll feel trapped, unable to leave. Instead, do it at their home. This lets them not have to deal with the logistics of how to get home after the breakup. And you can extricate yourself from the scene if things get intense. You can't escape a rough, raw scene if you're at your home.”

Do Plan Ahead

Ideally, you should try to break up with your partner as soon as you’re 100 percent certain you’re going to end things so there’s no pretending  in the interim. Tessina suggests using that time to do some basic planning for the immediate aftermath, particularly if you live together.  

“[If your partner] has tons of your stuff, you'll need to find a new place to live anyway, so get that all lined up before the big announcement,” she says. “If you've just been leaving stuff at [their] place, start removing it before the breakup.”

And what about your stuff post-breakup? She suggests bringing friends when you go to pick it up so you’ll have some emotional support, and there’s less chance of your ex trying to do anything violent or cruel. But if there aren’t any precious possessions involved, you might want to skip the whole thing.   

“If it's just your toothbrush and some toiletries, forget it,” she says, “unless there’s an offer to give it back. Stuff is not worth creating drama.”

Do Be Direct

It can be very hard to know what path to take during a breakup conversation, particularly if you feel emotionally exhausted from having to initiate it. The one thing you should aim for is clarity and directness so your point gets across in a way that clearly communicates that the relationship is over.

RELATED: What to Say in a Breakup Conversation, Revealed

“When you are ready to have the actual breakup talk, be focused, loving and honest, but to the point,” says House. “Don't make small talk or beat around the bush. Don't be curt or too long winded. If you cry, that's OK. Tell them that you care so deeply about them, but that it's just not working for you because xyz. Tell them that you're sorry but you have to go.”

At that point, remember that that’s it. Don’t drag it on. “Do not call, text, email, or stalk them after,” she adds. “You both have to detox. If you drag it on, if you see each other again ‘just one last time,’ if you call to hear their voice … you're just prolonging the pain and putting off the happiness that you will have again — with someone else.”

Do Say Yes to a Closure Conversation

If they’re totally blindsided, it might take another conversation at a future date to help tie things up. Since you were the one who initiated the breakup, Barrett says that you owe them at least that much.

“It's OK to let the other person know that you're available for another conversation — just one! — if they have more questions about the end of the relationship,” he says. “Give them this lifeline to let them know you want to give them more clarity if they need it. They may need a day or two to process everything, and may have more questions.”

Do Cut Ties on Social Media

However, that doesn’t mean you should keep all the lines of communication open.

“Block them on Instagram, Facebook, and other platforms,” says Barrett. “You can tell them in advance that you think this is the smart thing to do for both of you. Neither of you needs to be reminded of each other by reading posts, or stalking each other on social media.”

Tessina agrees that blocking is a necessity, particularly if your ex has treated you badly. However, if you still care about each other, she notes that you might want to have one last social media hurrah as you go out.

“If they want to, you can make a mutual announcement on both your sites about how you really care about each other, but have decided just to be friends.” That might not be your style, but it could save you time and energy when it comes to having to announce it to friends down the road.

3. Don’ts for Breaking Up With Someone

“One time someone broke up with me and claimed it was my ‘fault’ when I had been doing 90 percent of the work in the relationship, and never acknowledged it. What a mindf—k.” - Lyle, 28

As with the right moves, there are also some definite no-nos when it comes to breakups. By saying the wrong thing, initiating it at the wrong time or handling the aftermath the wrong way, you could be setting both you and your ex up for plenty of negative emotions — sadness, regret, confusion, anger. Here’s what not to do during a breakup:

Don’t Make It Sudden

One surefire way to make bad news worse is for it to come completely out of the blue. When someone can see the warning signs, a breakup probably seem as painful as when it’s completely unexpected. Your instinct might be to try to pretend everything’s fine until the last possible moment, but that’s unwise.

“In order to make your breakup as drama free as possible, don't make it sudden,” suggests House. “Especially if this is a serious relationship, even though it's likely coming to an end, this person who you once cared so much for deserves some notice that you are unhappy, as well as the opportunity to try to change. ” 

Meaning, if you’ve been holding in your unhappiness and you think your partner has no idea about it, don’t just end things; at least open up about your feelings first.

“After the time and love you have shared, your relationship deserves the respect of a conversation,” she adds. “Instead of doing a knee-jerk breakup that you might regret, take a beat and take a physical break to think about the real issues at hand and if you truly do want to break up, or you just needed time to reset.” 

Don’t Be Too Nice or Vague

Similarly, you might want to soften the blow by lying or hiding the reasons for the breakup, your real feelings, or some other thing. According to Barrett, that’s a strategy that’ll likely  backfire.

“Don't dangle the possibility of getting back together, or calling it ‘a break,’” he says. “Make it crystal clear by using simple, definitive language. Phrases like, ‘This has to end today’ or ‘We have to end our relationship’ aren't harsh. They're bracing in their clarity. It hurts, yes, but you're giving the other person the gift of clarity — and doing it without casting blame. It's much crueler to tell someone what's wrong with them, and how maybe down the road you can get back together. Don't say those things, even if those things are true. Rip off that band-aid.”

Don’t Be Cruel

The flip-side is that you can also deeply scar the other person by pointing out what you perceive as their flaws, failings and shortcomings. Barrett says that when explaining why things didn’t work out, you should avoid putting the blame on them.  

“As for choosing the right words, look for that sweet spot that combines truth and gentleness,” he says. “Share why you're no longer happy and satisfied with the relationship. Take shared responsibility for problems or issues you've had. And avoid casting blame. Make it ‘we’ problems, not ‘you’ problems.”

Don’t Jump Into a Rebound Relationship

One last thing? Don’t compound the hurt that your ex is experiencing after the breakup by jumping right back into dating mode — whether that’s finding yourself in a new relationship a week later or simply downloading Tinder as soon as the breakup conversation has ended.

RELATED: Rebound Relationship Mistakes You Should Avoid

“Don’t jump right into another relationship,” says Tessina. “Take some time to analyze what went wrong here, so you don’t have to go around this track again.”

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Breaking Up
Long Term Relationship

Nine ways to end relationships without pain

Komsomolskaya Pravda

Dom. FamilyRelationships MAN AND WOMAN

Svetlana KUZINA

August 18, 2011 15:28

How to part with someone you already hate so that you never regret it

Starting a relationship is easy, but ending an existing one is extremely difficult. Parting with a loved one, or rather with an already unloved one, is not a pleasant occupation. It is difficult to tell the truth in the face, and cruel ways of breaking up are being used. It's like masochism. Why upset yourself once again if everything in your heart has already died? These are the rules of the game, whose name is Love. Hundreds of books have been written about how to get acquainted, but almost nothing about parting. And people are trying to find information on the Internet. Here are some ways to break off relations there are discussed on forums and blogs. We also studied and commented on them. 1.LONG-PLAYING This way of parting is preferred by those who for a long time (from several weeks to several months) are afraid or do not dare to tell the other half that everything is over between them. MY OPINION . This is the most unpleasant way of parting of all possible: it does not bring one step closer to a break, while bringing suffering to partners. 2.SUDDEN The complete opposite of the "long-playing" method. It seems to one of the partners that the relationship has never been as wonderful as it is now, and it is at this moment that the second partner suddenly announces a break. In fact, a “sudden” break will only be for the one who is being abandoned: the initiator of the breakup has thought it all out for a long time and carefully. MY OPINION. Such an end to a relationship is very painful: from absolute happiness, the one who was abandoned falls into absolute grief, not understanding what caused the breakup - after all, everything went so well! 3. "DISAPPEARANCE" There is nothing more painful than complete uncertainty, and it is to this that the adherents of this method of parting with past love doom their "former" adherents. No letter, no phone call, no text message - the abandoned side will not wait for anything that could explain the reason for the breakup. Some go even further: changing phone numbers, not responding to emails, even moving to another area. This way to end the relationship is the easiest for the initiator, since he does not need to explain anything, but the most painful for the abandoned one. MY OPINION. People whose relationships ended this way tend to experience severe psychological trauma. 4. ELECTRONIC I want to leave as soon as possible, it seems that the reason for the breakup also needs to be explained, but it’s not enough to call gunpowder or meet with the “former” or “former” and talk face to face. What remains? Only the achievements of civilization in the form of the Internet and mobile phones. Sending a message to ICQ, writing an e-mail, throwing an SMS with the words: “Sorry, we need to leave”, “I don’t love you”, “Let's remain friends” is psychologically easier than deciding to have a frank conversation. In addition, virtuality provides another advantage - the ability to hide the true cause of the gap. This method is a terrible blow to the pride of the one who is being abandoned: after all, he did not turn out to be worthy of simple words spoken at a meeting. MY OPINION. Parting in such ways as if quickly and painlessly will help to put an end to the once great love. He did the job and put the ex-beloved on the “black list”. Everything is simple. No need to invent anything, disturb the heart, awaken memories. But I believe that when a person breaks up via SMS and ICQ, he (a) is simply not sure that this separation is a firm and final decision. 5. NETWORK This method is also directly related to the Internet, however, its main difference from "asemic" messages and emails is that everyone who is in the friend feed, added to "friends" and others is notified about the break. circles", making a personal tragedy public. A blog entry announcing that the author is now free as the wind can be signed by both sympathetic and caustic commentators. MY OPINION. Horror, imagine what it's like for someone who finds out that he was dumped by opening his own friend tape: shame is mixed with heartache, a feeling of public flogging and public washing of dirty laundry. 6. "AUTO ANSWER" Calling and leaving a message about parting on the answering machine is probably even worse than the "electronic" method. The initiator of the break seems to calm his conscience by communicating with his voice, but on the other hand, he does not allow the abandoned person to ask questions and hear answers to them. MY OPINION. Since you did not let your partner ask questions, get ready for an unpleasant meeting with him and a showdown. Do you need this? 7. PARENTAL Mothers, of course, always wish well for their children, but many go so far in their desire to do good to their child that they begin to actively interfere in his personal life. If the frankness between the parent and the child is such that the grown child begins to actively complain about his soul mate, it will not be difficult for a wise mother to draw an unambiguous conclusion: the gap is not far off, it is necessary to speed it up - for the good of the child, of course. And here you can expect anything: from stories about the numerous former lovers of your child at a sweet "almost family" dinner, pronounced with a smile, to supposedly "maternal" revelations - they say, baby, you are not a couple for him, well, he was born such an idiot, what can you do. MY OPINION. Anyone who is being abandoned in this way will experience at least annoyance at the fact that his personal life, apparently, was discussed in great detail at the family council. 8. FRIENDLY By analogy with parents, friends can "gracefully" intervene in a relationship. If the initiator of the break cannot decide on him, then the biggest meanness that he can only do is to part with his former love with the help of a close friend. However, the participation of a friend in such a delicate matter does not mean that the separation will become friendly (in the sense of maintaining friendly relations with the former or former). MY OPINION. Indeed, why strain when you can ask a friend or girlfriend. Let him or her meet with a former loved one and explain everything to him. Easily? Yes! Just? Of course! You can only lose a friend. What if they have an affair and then you lose another friend? 9. HOLIDAY

People tend to attach too much importance to holidays, dates, events for some reason. And in order not to “spoil the holiday”, they keep the message about the break in relations - exactly until the moment when the happy hero of the occasion, having received all his gifts, congratulations and a sea of ​​\u200b\u200bgood mood, sees off the guests and remains alone with the one whom he still naively continues to count his half. MY OPINION . The pain of loss will be even stronger - against the backdrop of recent joy. SHOULD YOU JUST MEET? This is the most correct way to part with your loved ones, but also the most painful. No matter how you prepare for it, things don't always go according to plan. Instead of tears, suddenly the ex-boyfriend has anger. Instead of anger, the girl has tears. And even talking about breaking up with a loved one on the phone is not a panacea. Some consider it an almost ideal way, others - the height of disrespect. In any case, you need to prepare for such a conversation. It can take tens of minutes or even an hour. These conversations are painful. MY OPINION. Try, no matter how difficult it may be, to show elementary respect for the person with whom you shared sorrows and joys. Come up with a way of parting so that you both look decent. Otherwise, your conscience will torment you until the end of your days.

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Psychologist's advice: how to break up

There is a term "gestalt" for unfinished relationships in psychotherapy. It means that the relationship has not been worked out to the end and fate will return us to the unfulfilled lesson. Perhaps with other people, but in similar situations. Therefore, it is always necessary to part to the end. For completion testing, choose one of your regular days. And in the evening, try to remember how many times you mentally returned to the old connection. If there are more than five such marks, this is already an alarm signal! A clear indicator of "stuck" is viewing the pages of the "former" in social networks. Why do you need his profile? What are you looking for there?

How to break up the right way

There are no instructions on how to break up properly. There are only tips on how to make everything less painful and more effective.

Burn your bridges

The correct break is when the relationship is completely completed and it is no longer possible to return to it. The most important and most difficult thing is to let a person out of his thoughts. Ideally, remember briefly and with gratitude for the segment of the life path that you went through together.

Specify the reason for the breakup

It can be very difficult to explain the reason for the breakup to your partner, especially when you yourself are confused in your explanations and claims. However, you still need to try to identify those problems that do not suit you, and explain why you see no other way than parting. Remember, your arguments must be formulated clearly and understandably. They should not have a double meaning or the possibility of a different understanding than the one you are laying. Be careful with "life examples", they often look like an accusation.

Do not blame

Blame is the attitude of the weak. Before you stands a person whom you once loved and with whom you spent wonderful years (months, weeks - underline as necessary). He a priori does not deserve humiliation at such a difficult moment in your life together (and she is still together). Be above putting a person in a position of guilt, in this case it is better to take the fire upon yourself. Just don’t say those terrible “it’s not about you ...” - hackneyed words turned by cinema into a synonym for indifference.


You will still say things differently, but the rehearsal makes sense. First, it will give you confidence. Secondly, it will set you in a decisive mood. Thirdly, if at the most crucial moment you are “locked in”, rehearsed phrases will pop up somewhere in your head that will save the situation from complete failure and shameful surrender.

Avoid romantic memories

Memories are the hardest thing to get over. Those evenings when you walked along the seashore, the romantic actions of the other half, the early summer breakfasts on his balcony ... We are sure that you will find something to remember, so force yourself to be silent about the past and interrupt the partner’s conversation if he decides to enter this forbidden land.

Choose a neutral place

This point follows from the previous one. No apartments, favorite parks or restaurants where you often visited or visit. Of course, you should not part in the metro lobby or at the bus stop, try to opt for something neutral. Let it be a place where neither you nor your partner have ever been and definitely will not be again. The place of parting should never again pop up on your map.

Do not offer to remain friends

Offering to leave as friends, you run the risk of being again in the unfortunate role of a member of a dubious rom-com. In general, taking the example of parting with movie characters is by no means the best idea. At least by the fact that all their words are subject to the logic of the screenwriter, and not your life situation.

Do not start screaming

Shouting, yelling and mutual accusations in raised tones will not help matters. Do not expect that this way the separation will be easier and less painful. It is possible that after a while you will regret what was said and decide to apologize ... What will happen next, we think you have already guessed. No, not the best sex in your life (although anything can happen, but still this is again a movie story), but a repetition of everything that made you decide to end the relationship, and at the end of the second round of breakups. This time even more painful.

Types of separations

Positive gap. When feelings have faded, partners are reasonable enough and internally free to have the courage to admit the meaninglessness of what is happening and say goodbye to each other. Usually in such couples, trusting relationships with children are maintained, and the separation in no way causes trauma to the future family scenario of the son or daughter.

Unfinished gestalt. Spouses or partners understand that the mutual fire has died down, the feeling of affection has crumbled, but the relationship must be preserved for the sake of invented, illusory reasons. For example, until the children grow up. Often in such families there are "triangles" and betrayals. Children who grow up in an atmosphere of constant lies receive a severe dysfunctional example of a family script. These children are future clients of the psychotherapist.

The most painful fraught with neuroses and psychosomatic problems. A difficult, tragic breakup happens when one partner is not ready to let go of the other. This means that the non-letting one looks at the partner as property, denying him the right to have freedom of choice. Usually, at the reception of a psychotherapist, it is precisely the one who does not let go, who most often says: “But I love him!” or: “But he swore he loved me!” It comes from childhood.

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