Marrying older men


Why Do Older Men Date Younger Women?

Consenting adults come together for many reasons and age isn’t always a factor. Older men may fall for younger women and younger women may sometimes prefer to date older men.

While some people may believe the motives behind big age gaps in relationships are always sinister, older men may gravitate toward younger women for many valid reasons, and that may be the case for younger women dating older men, too.

Age and consent

This article discusses older men dating younger women where both partners are above the legal age of consent in their state.

If both partners are above the legal age of consent, it doesn’t mean consent is implicit. Asking for consent and both people being on the same page is key in any healthy romantic relationship.

If you’re below the age of consent and an adult’s behavior is making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, help is available. You can:

  • Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673 for confidential, 24/7 support.
  • Visit Stop It Now! for online resources or reach out to their helpline at 888-773-8368.
  • Visit Childhelp for resources to handle and report abuse or to chat live with someone who can help.

Why does anybody want to date someone else? There are infinite possibilities.

The vulnerability of young girls has made the older-men-dating-younger-women stereotype a predatory one.

While it’s true that some men may consider younger women easy targets for manipulation or control, there are less sinister reasons an older man may be drawn to someone younger.

Sometimes it just happens. You fall in love with the person and overlook their age. Other times, it’s actually the energy, appearance, and life perspective of a younger woman that may be attractive to an older man. In some instances, the intention may not be a healthy one. Every case is different.

Ancestral practices

A 2020 large-scale replication study examined mate preferences across 45 countries. Researchers found that most men placed a higher emphasis on appearance when it came to choosing a partner.

The reason behind it isn’t necessarily vanity.

Primitive humans seemed to have selected mates based on reproductive success. Features like youth, symmetrical bone structure, and wide hips in females were viewed as signs of overall health and vitality, which would ensure species survival.

On some level, the ancestral and instinctual attraction to such features may remain in both Eastern and Western cultures, as noted by a large international study from 2020.

This could be a reason why men, in general, may be attracted to younger women.

Long-standing traditions

Stephanie Juliano, a licensed professional clinical counselor from Rio Rancho, New Mexico, points out women haven’t traditionally had the benefit of equality.

“Men initially had more privileges, and so it was not unheard of taking a younger partner to take care of, and on the other hand, a young woman leaving home was being taken care of both financially and socially,” she explains.

While the adult-child relationship dynamic has been denounced in some parts of the world, there’s still much work to do in that respect. It’s also possible that these practices have influenced dating culture and there may still be an undercurrent of older men dating consensual younger women based on wanting to be their provider.

Entering crisis mode

It’s probably one of the most discussed reasons for older men dating younger women: The midlife or identity crisis.

Do older men mentally resist aging by dating younger partners? Is the midlife crisis even real? There’s much discussion but limited research on the topic. Some argue that this is yet another stereotyped cliche that doesn’t have much proof behind it.

How old is “too old” when it comes to an age gap in relationships?

According to data accumulated over the course of 7 decades, in developed countries, the average age gap among heterosexual couples is 2 to 3 years.

In these relationships, the data indicates it’s more common for men to be the older partner.

Age gaps are rarely discussed until they’re considered “too big,” but there’s no hard rule about when an age gap becomes significant.

Reported satisfaction in a relationship may start to see diminishing returns if the age gap between partners is larger than 10 years, suggests an 80-paper review from 2016.

In misogynist cultures, young women dating older men may be often accused of being “gold diggers,” or just in the relationship for financial gain.

Research, however, shows that when it comes to establishing long-term relationships, the majority of women, of all ages, are typically interested in older men.

A large study of more than 12,000 participants in Finland found that most women prefer same-age or older male partners throughout life, while men, regardless of age, tend to prefer women in their 20s.

While women may also seek older men out of long-standing provider traditions, there are other reasons this matchup might be appealing.

Emotional maturity

Research suggests men take longer than women to reach mental maturity, making it reasonable for young women to feel more emotionally compatible and secure with older men.

The father complex

Young women who grow up with absent, emotionally unavailable, or abusive fathers may develop what’s known as the father complex.

The father or Oedipus complex isn’t a recognized disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, text revision (DSM-5-TR), and it’s a controversial term. Originally a Sigmund Freud’s theory, the term and concept have been long controverted.

Initially, the theory described how children form a strong attachment with the parent of the opposite sex and start to compete for attention and love with parents of the same sex. This is part of the natural psychosexual development.

When a person stays psychologically stuck in this stage of development, they may experience challenges in adult relationships.

When it comes to younger women dating older men, some people refer to the complex as “daddy issues,” a gendered stereotyping term.

Only a mental health professional can accurately determine if a younger woman’s attraction to older men has roots in unresolved childhood conflicts.

What about older women and younger men?

A double standard may exist in some cultures that accept older men dating younger women. Older women dating younger men may not be seen so kindly, although it could be explained differently.

Mary Mimi Schultz, a licensed professional counselor from Houston, explains this is often because the component of vulnerability is missing from this dynamic.

“When a younger man dates an older woman, it is more accepted because she is not in the relationship for money, typically,” says Schultz.

In a chauvinist culture, an older woman may still be seen as the weaker one in the relationship, not the one taking advantage of a younger partner, which may happen to older men dating younger women.

When two people genuinely love one another and have built that love on commonalities, companionship, respect, and trust, a relationship can work — regardless of the age gap.

Patricia O’laughlin, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Los Angeles, says relationships with a large age gap may be wonderful opportunities for personal growth.

“There can be significant differences in beliefs between generations. It’s a real chance to learn how to consider multiple perspectives on an issue or experience,” she says.

Schultz adds these types of relationships also tend to have high levels of maturity, which can mean a lower chance of settling for less than ideal circumstances.

“Typically, an age gap difference means one is in it for the love and relationship,” she says.

Any relationship can face challenges, but research suggests age gaps like those in relationships between older men and younger women have been linked to:

Depression

As partners age, the older partner may not be able to meet the energy levels of the younger partner, or may feel inadequate.

Depression in older adults may also be linked to experiences unique to the age, like losing close friends and retirement, something a younger partner may not be able to relate to.

Infidelity and lack of relationship commitment

Although not a rule, it’s possible that younger partners may gravitate back toward people their own age, particularly if the older partner doesn’t have the same sex drive.

Infidelity isn’t exclusive to relationships with age gaps, though. As in any other case, trust and open communication are key to managing this challenge.

Lower relationship satisfaction

Many factors can influence relationship satisfaction. With a large age gap, partners may experience stress or anxiety from:

  • social stigma
  • different priorities in life, or goals that don’t align
  • power dynamics
  • clashing social circles
  • age-related health challenges

How to manage challenges

Experts cite communication as critical for the success of relationships between older men and younger women.

Juliano recommends open communication about big life questions, right from the start.

“Are there common interests in life goals, religion, family, where do you see yourself, what do you want in the next 5, 10, 15+ years?” she suggests you ask yourself.

O’Laughlin explains that figuring out these questions and creating plans to address them can strengthen your relationship and decrease resentment and conflict.

If you’re unsure where to start, a relationship counselor can help you and your partner identify areas of concern and possible solutions.

Why would older men date younger women and vice versa? As with any other relationship, there are many factors involved. Emotional security, maturity, common life perspectives, physical attraction, and chemistry may be involved. Instincts and culture may also play an important part.

It’s also possible in some cases that unresolved relationship challenges with father figures or traumatic experiences may be at play. Only a mental health professional can determine if this is the case.

Having a big age gap doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is bound to fail. Open communication about life goals and expectations can help you and your partner build a foundation of trust and respect.

I Married an Older Man. Here's Why I Regret It. — Best Life

Emily, 40, and Albert, 62, first met through mutual friends when he was 44 and she was 22, and got married just a couple of years later. "I don't think anyone thought we were going to get together," she says, "but we were attracted to each other and had a lot to talk about."

Today, they've been together for 18 years, have two beautiful children, and in many ways have what would be considered to be a "successful marriage." But, in private, Emily often wishes she'd married someone closer to her own age. Read on to find out why—and to hear the reverse, read about how This Man Married a Younger Woman and Now Regrets It.

When 22-year-old Emily first told her family and friends that she was marrying a man twice her age, they were not happy.

"He was twice my age, and my parents had major issues with it, not least of all because he's only a year younger than my mom," she says. "But what helped was that pretty soon after we got married, we moved to a place where no one knew either of us, so people were more accepting of the fact that we were together."

Shutterstock

There's still a lot of social stigma surrounding age gap relationships, and that the judgment isn't always coming from the older partner's peers. In fact, one study suggests that younger people are more likely to assume that couples with a significant age gap have a transactional relationship (i.e., sex or companionship in exchange for financial reward). Given that Albert was much more established in a stable profession than she was, this was something Emily had to grapple with.ae0fcc31ae342fd3a1346ebb1f342fcb

"I'm a very type A, career-driven person, and I feel like sometimes people look at me as someone who married a sugar daddy," she says. "There's this assumption that it has to be exploitative. People nowadays always say 'You do you,' but I don't often feel like they feel that way about this kind of relationship."

Emily and Albert were united on the fact that they wanted kids. But Emily also believes that, if she had married someone younger, she might not have ended up having children as early as 24.

"Being with an older man definitely pushed me to have kids younger than my demographic," she says, adding that she feels like people often "look at [her] askance" for having her first kid at a very young age. "Even when we moved to Washington D.C., where people are relatively open-minded, I felt like people gave me looks that said, 'Don't you know how to use birth control?'"

Shutterstock

Emily says that strangers don't often make the assumption that Albert is her father, possibly because they've lived all over the world and—outside of America—marriages between an older man and much younger woman are not as uncommon or stigmatized as they are here. But she does say people often think he's the grandfather of their children, which can "be a little uncomfortable for them."

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Many women who marry older men also complain that their partner's libido wanes just as they hit their sexual prime, which is very much the case for Emily.

"He definitely has some erectile dysfunction issues, and I know that younger men have them too, but it becomes more prevalent when you're older. And I definitely would like to have sex more often than he would," she says.

Shutterstock

Many couples in happy age gap relationships say that that your mental age matters more than your chronological age. But Emily says that looking back now, 17 years later, she feels like she was a lot more emotionally immature than she thought at the time.

"People always told me I was very grown-up, so I thought I was really mature. But our first year together was not super great, and sometimes when I look back on it now, I feel like I was acting childish and I just didn't realize it."

Shutterstock

"Albert is more 'old school' in terms of male/female roles than I would guess men my age are," she says. "My mom says he treats the kids like a grandparent rather than a parent by being overindulgent and not as great with discipline. He makes a lot of of the big decisions because he's 'the man.' And he was already established in his career whereas I was just starting out; I followed his career for nearly all my adult life, which didn't make it easy for me to build something of my own."

She does note, however, that there were some upsides to being in a marriage that was not altogether egalitarian, such as the fact that she never had to feel like she was carrying the burden of financial responsibility. "I've always lived in a nice place. I've always had money to travel. I never went through that phase of living in a one-bedroom apartment and eating ramen."

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While Emily may feel like she might have been happier with a man closer to her age, she also isn't planning on divorcing her husband anytime soon.

"Marriage for me is very important as institution, and divorce just isn't an option for me because of my beliefs," she says. "But I have had to come to terms with the realization that I will spend a good part of my life as an older person alone…or at least not with my current partner." And for more on the realities of an age gap relationship, check out these 25 Things Only Couples With Major Age Differences Know.

To discover more amazing secrets about living your best life, click here to follow us on Instagram!     

How to Marry an Adult Man

Relationship with an older man: pros, cons, risks | YourBestBlog

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WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET MARRIED AT 6 YEARS

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11 year old girl married a 62 year old man.

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married a man over 20 years old and already regrets, but I don’t know what to do

#2

#3

My roof was blown off. When we started dating, I was very happy, he was like from my dream. Well, the fairy tale is simple, and even now he carries me in his arms, he fulfills any desire.

But now I am gnawed by fear and doubt about what will happen in 10 years.

Girls who married an older man, did you also have such concerns? How did you manage?

All the same.

Only we have been married for 10 years.

RUN YOU, at your age, you don't need to!

grow old quickly.

#7

#8

Guest

I am your age, not yet married. I can’t imagine a man over 40 with me .. My friend (she is 22) is dating a man who is 52. I saw him, it seemed somehow unpleasant to me, my father is his age. And really, what's next? After all, in 10-20 years he will already be a weak grandfather, and you will still be a young woman of 30-40 years old.

#9

Guest

I am your age, not yet married. I can’t imagine a man over 40 with me .. My friend (she is 22) is dating a man who is 52. I saw him, it seemed somehow unpleasant to me, my father is his age. And really, what's next? After all, in 10-20 years he will already be a weak grandfather, and you will still be a young woman of 30-40 years old.

I, when in the social. I saw his age on the net, I could not believe my eyes.

Now he looks like 38.

But that didn't stop me either. I was just zombified by him, as if under hypnosis.

I thought about how to interest him. I thought over what to wear, what to say, to the smallest detail. I didn’t even remember my stomach anymore, I went on a date :D

Moreover, when he saw that I realized that he was looking at me like a man, and not just like a professional, he tried to move away altogether. Do not show. But in the end, he decided to give me his number anyway...

I really experienced a storm of emotions, and I still do.

Good husband, good lover.

But now I'm really scared of what will happen in 10 years.

#10

KRYAK W

If it is rich, then in 10-15 years he will have another wife

# 11

Cassidy

I couldn't even imagine it myself.

I, when in the social. I saw his age on the net, I could not believe my eyes.

He looks like 38 now.

But that didn't stop me either. I was just zombified by him, as if under hypnosis.

I thought about how to interest him. I thought over what to wear, what to say, to the smallest detail. I didn’t even remember my stomach anymore, I went on a date :D

Moreover, when he saw that I realized that he was looking at me like a man, and not just like a professional, he tried to move away altogether. Do not show. But in the end, he decided to give me his number anyway...

I really experienced a storm of emotions, and I still do.

Good husband, good lover.

But now I'm really scared of what will happen in 10 years.

#12

crack F

if you have money, why not give birth?

When they ask me how old my husband is and I say 45, everyone's eyes pop out of their heads. In general, he cannot be given so much, but people are shocked by the difference in age.

My parents were also worried when they found out how old he was.

#14

#16

#17 9000

#18

#19

#20000

CASSIDY

I don’t know, once fearfully.

When they ask me how old my husband is and I say 45, everyone's eyes pop out of their heads. In general, he cannot be given so much, but people are shocked by the difference in age.

My parents were also worried when they found out how old he was.

#21

#22

9000

#23

90EAL 2014, 22:26

#24

#25,0007

#27

Experts Woman. ru

0007

  • Dotsenko Vsevolod

    Psychologist

    175 answers

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#28

#29

January 2014, 23:16

#31

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    #33

    Tanya

    What if the husband is 10 years older? Is it a lot? What do you think.

    #34

    My friend died at 48. Suddenly. There was a son and her father, who is now 77 years old, after 2 strokes. The state is a zucchini with eyes. He is not going to die.

    What are you all writing? The husband is older, so

    It will be unpleasant in bed..... You will remain a widow...

    How is this known? Who will die first, who will grow old first?

    Age is not important, not even feelings are important --- lust and blinding desires, which many mistake for love.

    Respect and mutual understanding are important. Where there is this --- there will be a strong family. Age does not play a role.

    I'll tell you more---

    My husband, who is 42, has a father. who is 62.

    So. The father will give his son a head start by 100 points ahead. In appearance, in mood, in interest in life, etc.

    So I advise you not to bother yourself - what's next.

    Live. while living, enjoy the good that is.

    And you will whine and complain---there, ABOVE, they will hear, and they will take it away, since you are unhappy.

    #35

    #36

    9000

    please. and an adult is bad and young, and handsome and scary. 9January 6, 2014, 00:23 so many years together....if he didn't want to...t fuck. This is what kills the most. With potency, it's okay. And I physically don't want it. I would agree to live with him as relatives, as brother and sister, then the person wants sex ..... such scandals because of this!

    #40

    An old horse

    This is the impression that everyone is 100% sure of their fate.

    My friend died at 48. Suddenly. There was a son and her father, who is now 77 years old, after 2 strokes. The state is a zucchini with eyes. He is not going to die.

    What are you all writing? The husband is older, so

    It will be unpleasant in bed..... You will remain a widow...

    How do you know this? Who will die earlier, who will grow old earlier?

    Age is not important, not even feelings are important --- lust and blinding desires, which many mistake for love.

    Respect and mutual understanding are important. Where there is this --- there will be a strong family. Age does not play a role.

    I'll tell you more---

    My husband, who is 42, has a father. who is 62.

    So. The father will give his son a head start by 100 points ahead. In appearance, in mood, in interest in life, etc.

    So I advise you not to bother yourself - what's next.

    Live. while living, enjoy the good that is.

    And you will whine and complain---there, ABOVE, they will hear, and they will take it away, since you are unhappy.

    #41

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      #43

      #44

      Ann

      Old horseman is the impression that everyone in their fate is sure of 100% 100% . .

      My friend died at 48. Suddenly. There was a son and her father, who is now 77 years old, after 2 strokes. The state is a zucchini with eyes. He is not going to die.

      What are you all writing? The husband is older, so

      It will be unpleasant in bed..... You will remain a widow...

      How do you know this? Who will die earlier, who will grow old earlier?

      Age is not important, not even feelings are important --- lust and blinding desires, which many mistake for love.

      Respect and mutual understanding are important. Where there is this --- there will be a strong family. Age does not play a role.

      I'll tell you more---

      My husband, who is 42, has a father. who is 62.

      So. The father will give his son a head start by 100 points ahead. In appearance, in mood, in interest in life, etc.

      So I advise you not to bother yourself - what's next.

      Live. while living, enjoy the good that is.

      And you will whine and complain --- there, ABOVE, they will hear and take away, since you are dissatisfied. +100000

      #46

      Tanya

      What if the husband is 10 years older? Is it a lot? What do you think.

      I don't agree with the fact that a woman quickly grows old with an "age" husband.

      Although they sell me cigarettes, and they don't even ask for my passport, many times they took me for my husband's daughter.

      #47

      #48

      #49

      "The difference, which can already be spoken of as something that is already beyond the scope, is the difference in generation, 15-20 years.

      Marriage with the young - this is a man's way to keep youth.


      Learn more