I m ashamed
Feeling Ashamed: A Guide To Your Emotions
Published Dec 23rd, 2020 & updated on Dec 7th, 2021
Feeling ashamed? Yeah, it sucks. Even the word SHAAAME feels like a big, grey cloud over your head that follows you around wherever you go. It weighs you down, reminding you of all the ways you believe you’re undeserving of love or happiness. Sometimes, it can make you feel like you just wanna be invisible. You don’t wanna face your family, friends and loved ones ‘cause in your mind, the shame you feel is written allllll over your face. If you hide, you won’t have to put on a front that everything is fine. And being invisible would be better than letting other people see how humiliated, unworthy and alone you feel inside…
Pause. Believe us, we’ve all been there and have dealt with these super toxic thoughts. And we know how shitty it feels to carry shame. Instead of burying this feeling and letting it suck the joy out of our lives, though, we gotta address it. You’re probably thinking: mmkay, easier said than done… especially when your mind is telling you to run and hide instead of staring this feeling in it’s nasty face.
But this is your reminder that you are NOT alone and we’re here to help. So let’s dive thru what it means to feel ashamed and how you can work through this painful, monster of an emotion. ‘Cause no matter how small you feel right now, we still think you’re awesome. And you don’t need to feel this way forever!
Here’s a quick definition of ‘ashamed’ for ya: “distressed or embarrassed by feelings of guilt, foolishness, or disgrace.”
“You should be ashamed of yourself!” Yeahhh, most of us have probably heard this a few times from our parents growing up. Typically, this expression is used to make us feel bad for something we did that was wrong, like lying about sleeping over at your friend’s house when you actually went to that big house party that your parents barred you from going to (sound familiar?). Psychologists have been separating feeling guilty and feeling ashamed for a while now, ‘cause even though the feelings are similar, their root causes are actually a ‘lil different.
Guilt
Okay, let’s get this straight. When you feel guilty, it usually has something to do with feeling bad for something you did or said that caused harm to someone else. Like when you lied to your parents about going to that house party, you probably felt guilty AF about it. Not only did you go behind their backs, you ultimately broke their trust and made them feel disrespected. Also, there’s a good chance they were worried about your safety, too. And when they grounded you, part of you most likely felt a ton of guilt for what you did. ‘Cause you just wanted to have fun! Not hurt the people you care about.
Shame
Sooo then, what does it mean to feel ashamed, you ask? Feeling ashamed has more to do with worrying about how others will perceive you or evaluate your actions. You can feel guilty for hurting your parents by lying to them and causing them to hurt. But you feel ASHAMED by thinking they see you as a liar, ungrateful, or an all around piece of shit with no morals.
Do you kinda see the difference now? Guilt = feeling bad about your behaviour. Shame = feeling bad about yourself.
Let’s think about other times in your life where you might feel ashamed. It could be that you’ve been dealing with acne. You don’t wanna be in any photos with your friends, and when you do take photos, you have to use a blurring effect or filter to hide the blemishes. Maybe you don’t wanna leave the house without makeup because… what if people notice and stare?! You worry that they will think you don’t care about how you look or take care of yourself, that you’re lazy or dirty. Instead of having a good time when you’re out with your friends, you wanna immediately go home and stay in bed where no one can judge you. Feeling awful and having super negative thoughts about yourself? Worrying what people will think? Yeppp, that’s feeling ashamed for ya.
There are so many instances where we can feel ashamed, big or small. Just because one example won’t seem like a big deal to one person, like having acne, doesn’t mean it’s not a huge source of shame and hurt for someone else.
Like we said, feeling ashamed leads to a lot of toxic thoughts about yourself.
I’m not good enough.
I’m not worthy of being here, everyone else must think I’m such a failure.
Why did they even hire me? I’m not cut out for this job.
I don’t deserve my partner, they’re wayyy out of my league.
I hate myself.
When feeling ashamed builds up and isn’t properly dealt with, it can lead to mental health issues including depression, anxiety and even PTSD. People who feel ashamed usually have a hard time reaching out to others for help. Instead, they’ll carry it inside and distance themselves from other people.
How Feeling Ashamed Shows Up PhysicallyDid ya know that feeling ashamed can also show up physically? Greaaat. According to PyschCentral: “Strong feelings of shame stimulate the sympathetic nervous system, causing a fight/flight/freeze reaction.
We feel exposed and want to hide or react with rage, while feeling profoundly alienated from others and good parts of ourselves.”
If worse comes to worst, feeling ashamed can lead to other problems that affect your health including eating disorders, addiction and acting out aggressively. These symptoms are thanks to the low self-esteem, anxiety and depression that shame can bring on.
5 Ways To Cope With Feeling AshamedSooo, we have a better idea of why we feel ashamed and what it really means… now what? It’s time for the best part (in our humble opinion): diving thru it. Here are ways to work past this feeling, brought to you by the amazing mental health professional on our team!
1. JournalFeeling ashamed can be hard to dive thru on your own. Try writing out exactly how you’re feeling and what made you feel this way. Taking the time to journal our thoughts can give us the clarity we need to move forward!
2. Reach out for supportYour friends and family are there for a reason! When you need to talk through how you’re feeling, lean on the people you trust.
Sometimes just having someone to listen to us and validate how we’re feeling makes all the difference.
Spend time with your pet by cuddling them or taking them on a walk. Touch something comforting like your fave cozy blanket. Brew some tea or your drink of choice. Do whatever makes you feel calm and safe!
4. Give yourself a pep talk or utilize a helpful statementSay positive things to yourself out loud: “I will get through this. I am strong.” Maybe write these thoughts down in a journal. Even if it feels kinda silly, there’s no shame in comforting yourself. We 10/10 recommend it.
5. Comfort yourself like a friendIf you don’t have someone around who can be there for you right now, be there for yourself as best as you can. Remind yourself that everything will be okay. This feeling is temporary, and you can get through it.
We hope this not only helps you have a better understanding of feeling ashamed, but also how to deal with it when this feeling comes up in your life.
It’s not an easy one to deal with, that’s for sure. But we know you can get through this!
One last thing! Here’s a great quote for the road from Brené Brown (author, researcher and expert on shame): “Shame cannot survive being spoken and being met with empathy.”
You heard her!! Let’s own how we feel ashamed and show ourselves some empathy.
Read More: Different Types of Therapy & Approaches in Psychology, Top 8 Free Mental Health Apps To Support You in 2022
‘I’m Ashamed of Who I Used to Be’
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Illustration: Pedro Nekoi
This column first ran in John Paul Brammer’s Hola Papi newsletter, which you can subscribe to on Substack.
¡Hola, Papi!
I’m haunted by past versions of myself. Like many of us, the last few years of my life have been littered with unwise decisions, ill-conceived words, and embarrassing moments. I can’t stop thinking about them, especially when trying to sleep. People say you should be compassionate toward the person you used to be, but all I feel is profound revulsion and shame. Sometimes I wish I could erase everyone’s memories of me from before the past seventeen seconds.
I do have positive memories of the past! But they inevitably bring up painful associations of the way I acted when I was too lonely, angry, naïve, or desperate to understand what I was doing.
I’ll remember a fun party but also the ill-considered hookup that followed. I’ll remember an apartment I enjoyed living in and then the friend who used to hang out there that I had a painful falling out with. I judge my past selves for everything from their wardrobe to their poor emotional regulation. Some nights I stay up late staring at the ceiling, consumed by the fear that I’ll never be able to escape these ghosts of who I used to be.
I try to live my life in a way my future self won’t feel ashamed of, but how can I be cognizant of the mistakes I’m already making? Papi, how can I make peace with these former versions of me and stop hating them so much?
Love,
Plagued by My Past
Hey there, PMP!
Well, I have some bad news. You appear to be describing “a life,” and if that’s a problem, then you’re going to have one until you finish the game. Yes, good things happen, but also and as well — bad things. Were you hoping for a flawless run? Are you looking to start over?
In all seriousness, I understand the struggle. I have many, many landmarks of shame that I revisit when lying in bed. I’ve done plenty of things that make me cringe and wish I could ball myself up and throw myself away. It’s not a pleasant experience. But something’s being unpleasant doesn’t automatically make it a personal failure or a unique problem to be solved.
Your problem, as you astutely recognized, isn’t that you’ve made some unfortunate choices. We all have! It’s the way you’re thinking about those choices that’s the issue. To bring you some relief, what we’ve got to do is change your approach. In this lovely, illustrative letter you’ve sent me, I recognize some framing devices that I don’t think are serving you. Let’s go over those.
For one, you are choosing to imagine your past as a series of “selves” that aren’t you. You characterize them as past lives, like in Avatar. However, you have also chosen to grant them the urgency of a living, breathing person who is right in front of you. This is the worst of all worlds: These characters from your past (who are you but also not you) are making egregious, cringe-worthy errors over which you have no control, and they are making them in the present, right in front of your salad, while claiming to be you.
To my mind, this serves no purpose except to maximize torment, which I suspect is your aim, be it conscious or not. The question, then, becomes: Why would you (or your brain) be seeking to torture yourself in such a way? There’s the root of the thing, PMP! And while I can’t answer it for you, I can offer some theories.
I think if we grew up with any degree of otherness, then we’ve likely developed a certain defensive hyperawareness. It’s possible that you, like me, have an overfunded bureau in your brain that is constantly scanning for errors, seeking to course-correct to avoid repercussions for existing too loudly and incorrectly. This is just a theory!
Another, related one is, well, shame. Shame is a potent force for shaping behavior and identity. Egad, we might think when someone exhibits shameful behavior, I shan’t be one of those types! Shame can create the unspoken rules for who is and who is not part of a community: These are the acceptable behaviors that make you one of us, and these are the unacceptable behaviors that make you one of those.
The fear of being shunned, unloved, and rejected is incredibly valid nightmare fuel. It might touch on some more deeply held fears and magnify them. Maybe it’s from being bullied as a kid, or abandoned, or from feeling like you don’t have any friends. Whatever the case, stabbing yourself with all your past mistakes might feel productive in a twisted way.
It might be akin to running drills: Here’s how we won’t be behaving from now on.
Again, these are merely guesses. What I can tell you with more certainty is that, while you don’t have the power to go back in time Terminator style and take your former, cringey selves out one by one, you do have a good deal of agency in how you frame your past and how you tell the story of the specific life events that make you wince.
For example, I like fashion. I love dressing up, and I have a lot of faith in my good taste! But when I try to compliment myself on this, my brain will often remind me: Aren’t you the closeted Mexican who once threw on a TAPOUT WWE tee, baggy basketball shorts, and called that a “look” in college? And the answer is, yes! Yes, I was.
The visual makes me cringe. But I also think it’s funny that I did that. I think it’s camp. To me, it’s camp. To me, it’s camp.
And so, PMP, I laugh about it. I think to myself, Yes, young closeted Chicano king, wear your TAPOUT tee with the holographic Mexican flag on it! Go off! Because if I take it too seriously, it presents an irreconcilable story with the one I’m trying to tell right now: How can you say you have good taste when, as the kids on Twitter say, “this you?”
Lucky for me (and for thee), life is a more fluid project than that. And ultimately, if I’m happy with who I am right now (and I more or less am), then I have to recognize I arrived here because of those “past lives.
” They were me. I am me. Even if I weren’t happy with myself at the moment, I would still get to be me. I would still get to do things differently or make changes. I’m not trapped in amber. I’m the author here. That’s pretty neat.
So have fun! Be yourself! Enter the Avatar state! Make peace with your past lives UNLESS THEY VOTED FOR RONALD REAGAN.
Con mucho amor,
Papi
Originally published on November 23, 2020.
This column first ran in John Paul Brammer’s Hola Papi newsletter, which you can subscribe to on Substack.
Purchase JP Brammer’s book Hola Papi: How to Come Out in a Walmart Parking Lot and Other Life Lessons here.
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"I am ashamed of my behavior and words, moreover, for the most harmless ones." What to do, says the psychologist
23923
Shame immobilizes, says the psychologist and tells where this obsessive emotion can appear in your life and what to do with it.
“Hello. I would like to know the reason and in the future to resolve the problem with the obsessive feeling of shame. The point is that I am ashamed of my own behavior and words, and even the most harmless phrases and actions.
For example, I will write a banal message to a person in social networks, and after a couple of minutes I feel embarrassed to reread it.
It is very difficult to explain your feelings. I can post my photo on the networks and then I feel ashamed of it. What is happening to me?" - with such a question, a 20-year-old reader turned to the on-duty psychologist of the WB.
Answered by a private psychologist, specialist in Transactional Analysis Irina Gorovtsova .
Shame on an elastic band
- What happens to a young man suggests the idea of the "rubber band" effect. This is when we, in similar circumstances, can move into a traumatic situation from the past. Often such a situation and experience was accompanied by not the most pleasant emotions, sensations and thoughts about oneself. And we on the "rubber band" transfer them to the present. This movement occurs unconsciously.
Example:
The child fell in front of a group of peers when entering the classroom. Everyone laughed at this, including the teacher. The child was terribly ashamed and hurt.
This is a traumatic situation. The emotion is fixed. Now, entering a cafe or an auditorium where there are a lot of people, this grown-up child can imagine that everyone turned to him and grinned. He can become ashamed of anything - for his appearance, gait, words, companions, etc. It's a rubber band. After all, in the present, no one turned around, people laughed for their own reasons. However, this emotion from the past continues to bother a person.
It can be assumed that one day our reader also faced harassment or ridicule in the social network for his messages, comments, publications or photos. Having experienced the whole bunch of unpleasant emotions, now every time he returns to them. It can be a fear of being rejected in society, shame for words, guilt for an act.
How does this interfere with life?
Often, adult “shameful” people turn out to be those children who often heard criticism and reproaches from parents, educators, and then peers.
In a family, the phrase “shame on you” can lead to the fact that a person will hear it as “music” throughout his life. He will live with the thought “I should be ashamed” all the time. And it will seem to him that he looks bad and wrong in the eyes of others.
He showed joy in public - “shameful”, wrote a poem - “shameful”, forgot to say “hello” - “shameful”, interrupted the elder - “shameful”, expressed his opinion - “shameful”, wrote a message - “shameful”, shared a photo - "ashamed."
Are all these “shames” necessary in life? I don't think. They will drive a person crazy and deprive them of any attempts to grow at work, express themselves in communication, develop in creativity, fulfill themselves, be free in their emotions and actions.
Shame immobilizes. “I want to fall through the ground or disappear,” is how people describe their desires in such situations. This "disappear" and "fail" a person realizes day after day with obsessive shame.
Illustrative photo from the WB archiveHealing shame
What to do with the rubber band?
Recall that very traumatic experience with a psychotherapist.
I advise you to go to a specialist, because it will be safer for the client himself.
- Need to relive the traumatic experience.
- To understand what was really so shameful there. Often this is the suggestion of parents, the offensive laughter of other people in an awkward situation, or an inadequate perception of oneself.
- Heal trauma with a real look and self-care. After that, the "shame" will disappear. The rubber band will be cut off.
What if the emotion is real and not from the past?
Understand what caused the failure and identify the specific reason. If you really made a mistake, try to correct it. If it doesn't work, take responsibility for the failure. If necessary, apologize to people and to yourself.
Ask yourself if this shame will help solve the problem here and now? If not, then why do you need it? Think of the best way to support and take care of yourself.
Doesn't work? Share shame: discuss the situation with a loved one, tell all your feelings and experiences.
What happened, what did you feel and why, how did you really want to do it. By speaking out, you will release an unpleasant emotion. A loved one will provide you with the support and care you need.
"I'm ashamed that I..." How to deal with unjustified feelings of guilt0003
"I'm ashamed that I..." How to deal with unjustified feelings of guilt - Radio Sputnik, 04/04/2022
"I'm ashamed that I..." How to deal with unjustified feelings of guilt
guilt that arises in a person due to the fact that he has committed an act. And I tested it... Radio Sputnik, 04/04/2022
2022-03-23T16:33
2022-03-23T16:33
2022-04-04T15:54
on air
0003audio/mpeg
"I'm ashamed that I..." How to deal with unjustified feelings of guilt . And everyone experienced it at least once in their life, unless, of course, we are talking about people with obvious mental disorders. But about psychopaths - another time. Now - about normal people. It is normal to experience a sense of guilt exactly until the moment when you yourself repented of it and, if possible, apologized.
The next step is to fix the error as much as possible. But if even after this the guilt does not leave, it interferes with life, and for days on end thoughts return only to the event that caused it - we are talking about a pathology of varying severity. Why did I survive the accident? Why did they keep me at work, and they were laid off? Why is math easier for me than for others? Perhaps I am to blame for this? No, not guilty, as in many other situations. And even when guilty, living with a constant sense of guilt is not an option. How to get rid of it while it is still possible, we tell in the new episode of the podcast "Talk to me". The guest is psychologist Maria Ivanova.
audio/mpeg
Deep regret about what you have done - this is how you can describe the feeling of guilt that arises in a person because he has committed some act. And everyone experienced it at least once in their life, unless, of course, we are talking about people with obvious mental disorders. But about psychopaths - another time.
Now - about normal people. It is normal to experience a sense of guilt exactly until the moment when you yourself repented of it and, if possible, apologized. The next step is to fix the error as much as possible. But if even after this the guilt does not leave, it interferes with life, and for days on end thoughts return only to the event that caused it - we are talking about a pathology of varying severity. Why did I survive the accident? Why did they keep me at work, and they were laid off? Why is math easier for me than for others? Perhaps I am to blame for this? No, not guilty, as in many other situations. And even when guilty, living with a constant sense of guilt is not an option. We will talk about how to get rid of it while it is still possible in the new episode of the Talk to Me podcast. The guest is psychologist Maria Ivanova.
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