How to move forward after an affair
How to repair your relationship after someone cheats
When Elle Grant's husband started spending a lot of time at work with his female associate, she wasn't immediately suspicious. "It had never worried me because he didn't like her," says Grant. "She was unattractive, difficult at work. But something kept nagging at my brain."
Grant finally confronted her husband about her gut feeling that something was off. Slowly, the truth began to come out. "He admitted a little, then, over the next days and weeks, he admitted more. I was shocked and devastated."
Despite the affair, the couple stayed together and are currently closing in on their 23rd wedding anniversary. But for many couples, infidelity is the nail in the coffin. A study conducted by the Austin Institute found that unfaithfulness in a marriage accounted for around 37 percent of divorces in the U.S.
It's not an easy thing to heal from — but according to marriage and family therapist Amanda D. Mahoney, patients who find success staying together after someone cheats have one main thing in common: "There's a willingness to process the potential symptoms that may have contributed to the affair versus focusing solely on the act of the affair itself," she explains.
That's not to be confused with justifying the decision to cheat by pointing to issues in the relationship as excuses. But if you're able to get real with your partner on what hasn't been working — without playing the blame game — it's a good sign that your relationship has the potential to be repaired.
In fact, it may not simply be repaired, but you may come out even stronger than before if you handle it the right way.
“If you and your partner are coming together after the fact and you do want to work this out and stay together, it can be one of the more important catalysts for growth in a couple relationship that’s out there,” says Jen Elmquist, relationship specialist and co-host of Evine After Dark.
For Grant, an author and journalist living in Toronto, packing up and leaving wasn't immediately in the cards. "I had three young children and didn't want to do anything to disrupt their lives if I wasn't absolutely sure I wanted out of the marriage," she says. Instead, she focused on her own healing with the help of a therapist, while her husband spent time in therapy separately.
How to Move Forward when someone cheats
If both you and your partner want to take the necessary steps to heal from an affair, it can be done, but it's going to be a long road. Here are a few important actions to take together that can help repair your relationship.Make sure there is remorse
“There needs to be an adequate level of remorse. So if you’re the partner that has cheated, you really do have to feel deeply sorry. It can’t be something that can in any way come off nonchalant. There has to be deep sense of regret and remorse for what happened,” says Elmquist. “And if your partner has cheated on you and you’re not feeling that remorse from them, that’s going to be something you’re going to want to look for as the starting point for you to get back on the same track.”Be honest about why it happened
This is the hardest step and will largely dictate whether or not you'll both be able to move forward. "People can make poor choices at times," says Mahoney. "The question then becomes: does that poor choice and/or symptom(s) now have to dictate the future of a relationship? The answer largely depends on the motivating factors behind the affair." Underlying unmet needs in the relationship, poor communication, attachment difficulties and antiquated gender roles can all be impetus for an affair — ones that Mahoney has helped couples work through in her practice.
“Infidelity is very complex, there’s a lot of depth and complexity to why people might cheat and how you can find a way back to each other,” adds Elmquist, who says insight is curcial. "Why did this happen? Where was the breakdown? What was it in our relationship that ultimately caused us to have an open door for someone else to walk into it? Having that insight in your relationship is going to be important.”
But if the person who cheated isn't willing to be upfront about why it happened — or starts pointing blame, repairing things might not be possible. "[The reason] can’t be overly simplified, such as 'I’m a man' or 'it just happened,'" says marriage coach and author Lesli Doares. "The only way to rebuild trust is to be completely clear why it happened so when faced with a similar situation in the future, a different choice will be made."
Grant's husband admitted he was a sex addict and sought out therapy on his own to work through it. "By the time I felt strong enough to leave, my husband had been in therapy for a couple of years and had done so much work to understand why he'd risked a family he loved for relationships that didn't really matter," says Grant. "I respected how hard he'd worked. He had done everything he could to support me as I healed."Remove temptations to re-engage with the affair
If the affair is really, truly over, taking the physical steps to cut off contact with the person and set up boundaries is crucial to your partner's healing process. "Deleting contact information, blocking numbers and removing social media contacts will be essential," says Dr. Brandon Santan, a licensed marriage and relationship therapist practicing in Tennessee.
Because Grant's husband worked with the woman he cheated with, this was more complicated. "I do think 'no contact' is important, but sometimes it's impossible," she says. "In that case, there needs to be transparency about any interactions."Move forward with brutal honesty and care
Being cheated on is damaging for a plethora of reasons, but one big factor that needs to be addressed in order to move past it is lack of honesty. "The lying is a huge part of the betrayal,' says Doares, which is why she encourages the person who cheated to be brutally honest about all the details of the affair to move forward — not just the ones that will hurt his or her partner the least. "The cheater has to be completely transparent and answer any and all questions," she says.
This level of transparency needs to continue for as long as it takes to build that trust back up again; something that Elle says was key to her healing process. "My husband gave up anything that made me uncomfortable (like going out with the boys after work). I had access to any/all electronics/emails, passwords etc. He told me where he was going and who he'd be with. Seems humiliating in the short term, but he understood that that was how he was going to rebuild trust," she says.
“You’re going to have to set other things aside for a while and you’re really going to have to pour into this relationship in order for it to have a fresh, strong, new foundation,” adds Elmquist.Be selective about who you tell
Your gut reaction might be to blast your partner's indiscretions across social media for all to see, which Travis McNulty, LMHC, practicing in Florida says is a common coping mechanism. "I’ve seen people in this position go to extreme lengths to hurt their spouse in a very public manner," he says. "Often this is done out of rage and with lack of clarity that usually makes the person who was cheated on look bad or crazy by how they react." It's healthy to talk to someone about what you're going through, especially to a therapist. But telling everyone in your inner circle can end up backfiring.
"The more people that know about it, the more people are going to have their opinions based off of purely trying to protect you from getting hurt," McNulty explains. "This is the therapist’s worst nightmare because coalitions and allegiances amongst friends and family members really make moving forward difficult." Especially if you two do decide to work through this. "The person who was cheated on may be able to forgive and move on, but the family still holds an intense grudge that usually puts more pressure on an already vulnerable relationship that is trying to rebuild and move on," says McNulty.
Grant found support by creating a blog, The Betrayed Wives Club, to connect with others who were also victims of infidelity — a support system she says played a large part in her healing process. "I created my site because I was desperate for a community of women who knew what I was going through and who wouldn't judge," she says. Our culture lacks real understanding around how devastating infidelity is. It can be really painful to share your secret only to have someone respond, as a friend of mine did, 'Well, I wouldn't put up with it.'"Consider working with a licensed therapist
After an affair, it can be hard to know what to do or even where to start. If the conversations you're having with your partner feel like they're not getting anywhere, consider working with a licensed therapist who can help guide the process. "The therapist's ability to be a neutral party in the conversation helps identify what underlying unmet needs can be recognized and processed within the couple’s relationship," Mahoney explains. "During this investigative stage of therapy, couples often have the ability to seek understanding, find compassion, have greater potential to problem solve and move forward."
I tell couples they are going to have to bury that first relationship and think about starting a brand new relationship with each other.
“Once you have that insight [on why someone cheated], how do you take the learnings from that and how do you put it into actionable change? Because the relationship is going to have to change,” says Elmquist. “I oftentimes tell couples they are going to have to bury that first relationship and think about starting a brand new relationship with each other. And in that new relationship you’re going to put in the same intensity you did in the beginning of your relationship all over again; that same intensity of learning about each other and caring for each other and being intentional with each other.”
Grant and her husband eventually sought couples counseling after they had each worked with separate therapists. "Our relationship is better in a lot of ways thanks to therapy," says Grant. "My husband has shown up for our life together in a way that he just didn't before. We have a lot of fun together, he's a much more hands-on father. Therapy helped him work through a lot of childhood grief, so that his own feelings are a lot more accessible to him. "
"If you’re truly wanting to move on and continue with life with your partner after infidelity and have a loving relationship, it is possible. I see it in my office every day," says McNulty.
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9 Strategies for Moving Past Your Partner's Affair — Christyn Nelson Barry
You love your partner, and never dreamed they would be unfaithful. Now you found out. Perhaps you had been noticing different behaviors in your partner, or you found a heap of text messages or phone calls to the other person. Maybe you found the restaurant or hotel receipts, or the credit card bills, or a mutual friend saw your partner out with the other person and reported it to you. It may be that your partner came out and told you directly. You are grief-stricken, and your whole life appears not to be what you thought it was. Now what?
If you are married, love your spouse, andhave children and a whole life together, it's a big decision to give up all your dreams because of their affair. Infidelity is wrong, and involves a third person in your relationship. Practically speaking, it is also very common. Can couples heal and move on together after an affair?
I have seen many couples deal with the aftermath of one partner's affair, and some couples really can heal and get past it. An affair can, but often does not have to, end your marriage. If you choose to stay and repair the marriage, you have a whole journey of healing ahead of you. It helps to know what to expect, what to talk with your partner about, and what to do on your own to take responsibility for your own healing.
Your partner's response when the details of the affair matters: Were they remorseful? Did they sincerely ask for your forgiveness? Were they more arrogant and defensive? Were they willing to work hard to repair the marriage with you? If they weren't truly repentant and deeply sorry, you may want out of the marriage, because this affair may be foreshadowing of more affairs to come.
What if they really regret the affair and want to repair things with you? How do you manage the myriad of feelings the spouse feels who has been cheated on? How do you work through the trust being broken with your partner? How do you move through the current hell you are living through,with an eye to rebuilding the future of your marriage?
1. You need to take time to grieve. Finding out that your beloved spouse was unfaithful to you---physically, emotionally, or both, is a huge loss. In some ways it's worse than a death, because it was a willful decision to turn to someone else without regard to hurting you.To grieve, you mustfeel all the feelings that you experience: shock, anger, bargaining, sadness, hurt, and eventually, acceptance.Grief comes in waves. It can be very intense.You can feel it as physical symptoms, including an inability to sleep, not being able to eat, a hollow feeling in your chest, etc.You have lost the trust and the innocence you once had in the marriage. Something has happened that you won't be able to forget, but can work hard to forgive over time. You may want to journal or talk with a therapist on your own to process all your feelings, and decide what you most want to communicate to your partner. It is usually a better choice not to share everything with friends, family, or your children (especially if you want to work it out, as you may forgive your partner, but they might not).
2. Do extreme self-care. In the months following your finding out about your partner's infidelity, it isimportant to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. Few things in life feel more like a personal hit and rejection that a partner's affair. Take some time to reinvest in yourself. Exercising might save your life during the first few months. Change a few things up about yourself. Find ways to be your own best friend. This is a time to reinvest in yourself, because you have to get stronger to fight for and rebuild your marriage. Whether your repair attempts work, and you are able to rebuild your marriage or not, you are with you either way.
3. After you get the facts on the affair and have talked openly with your partner, try not to obsess about your partner's every move. Better to act with integrity and self-esteem, and put your partner on notice that you are "all in" the relationship with them, as long as they are "all in" as well. Let them know that if you find out they are continuing their unfaithfulness, you may need to end it. This is about reclaiming your own power. You are not willing to be repeatedly victimized. Go on record about this with your partner.
4. Restructure the relationship with your partner. You need to understand what the affair meant to them. Are their unmet needs that they have? How about needs that you have? Create a format where you can each check-in with each other about how you are doing with the other. Do you have a regular date night? Weekends and vacations away together? If not, set it up, take turns making the plans, and get going. Begin having fun together again if you weren't. Find a safe way to make behavior change requests with each other.
5. Require new transparency in the marriage. As a marriage therapist, I don't like couples to have secrets. Discuss and negotiate new boundaries on Facebook, cell phones, email, lunches with the opposite gender, etc. Modern technology makes infidelity an easier temptation, but inappropriate and hurtful behavior needs to be addressed. If your partner can't agree on some reasonable compromises with you, it's a huge red flag. It is reasonable for you to want new boundaries.
6. Coping with triggered grief, anger, and sadness is an inside job. Much like war veterans can get triggered PTSD symptoms, lots of little things can surprisingly trigger the downward emotional spiral of people who have been betrayed. You have to be able to sort it out yourself, or get help doing so. If you fall apart or get angry or paranoid over every little thing,your partner will begin to feel hopeless that you two can get back on track. You have to be able to choose which items are the big things, and how to ask your partner for comfort (as in holding you). You can't stay stuck in angry, attack mode or it will drive your spouse further away. Remind yourself that your partner CHOSE to return to you, rather than pursue a future with the other person. It may help you to keep a list of your negative thoughts and check the evidence, making sure you are not using distorted thinking like emotional reasoning. You need to sort this out and be aware of not coming across as hostile, defeated, and stuck with your partner. Pick your battles, don't beat your partner up every time you get triggered. You can also learn to do thought stopping, where you go run a few miles when triggered, or remind yourself your partner stayed with you.
You need to be able to develop your own internal dialogue to deal with the insecurities that have gotten stirred up inside you. It may be overwhelming to your partner for you to be consistently needy, angry, and hyper-vigilant. You need to stay grounded, and keep a mindful of creating a new, better relationship with each other. Keep in mind that your partner may have given up the other person, but is actually grieving that relationship concurrently to working out things with you.
7. When you feel safe to do so, begin to address the sexual relationship between the two of you. If it has been dormant in recent months or years, heat things up again. I find many marriages have become disconnected in this intimate part of the relationship after having children. Begin to talk about what you would like in this intimate area of your life again, and get your partner to talk about what they have always wanted in this area. If at all possible, do not ask for specifics about sexual activities between your partner and the other person. It will be harder to get rid of these images. Make your partner wonder why they ever got involved with anyone else! Again, get out of victim mode as soon as you can. You can't undo what has happened, but you can try to rebuild and move forward.
8. Develop your spiritual life together as a couple after the affair is uncovered. A shared faith could be a huge help as you try to heal.
9. After the initial grieving, try to introspect about whatever part you may have played in the distance that happened in your marriage. It's perfectly possible you played no role in it, and certainly your partner involving another person was wrong. It is also possible that you need to own things you did or didn't do that distanced your partner (Did you get busy and ignore him? Over-focus on the children? Not invite her for date nights or couples time? Not share responsibility for a great sexual relationship?)
Marriages change after infidelity, but with your strength, the right support, and a good effort from both you and your partner, you may be able to get back on track and not lose your love and your life together. Hopefully, years from now you can look back and be glad you rebuilt your life together. In a world where the divorce rate is this high, being a couple who dug deep and renewed your commitment to each other and rebuilt the trust over time is something to be proud of you both for. There are times in life when digging deep and growing through difficult times can make you grow as an individual and as a partner.
How to survive a breakup - Lifehacker
Why you feel bad from a scientific point of view
At the very beginning of a relationship, oxytocin and dopamine are produced in the brain. When a partner is nearby and everything is fine, the reward system turns on and a whole cocktail of hormones is released into the blood. And we think we are happy.
After parting, the reward system ceases to work, the body begins to break down. The stress hormones produced affect the immune, digestive, and cardiovascular systems. nine0005
The systems that are responsible for the perception of pain are also activated. That is why it seems to the brain that we are physically hurt, although in fact everything is in order with the body.
How to survive a breakup
Allow yourself to suffer
Yes, that's right. There is no need to artificially invigorate. I want to cry - cry. If you want to scream - scream (just don't forget about the neighbors who can hear you). Sing sad songs in the shower. Watch TV serials.
You will be told that everyone is breaking up and there is no need to make a tragedy out of this. Don't listen or try to hide the pain. No one knows what's in your heart but you. If it hurts, let it hurt. Cry until the tears run out, until you feel better, or at least until the devastation sets in. nine0005
Your strength will return, but it will take time. Each person has their own time.
Don't blame yourself
The decision to break up doesn't come overnight. And not even for a month. Most often, it is accompanied by a long process of reflection.
The reasons can be very different. But that doesn't mean you missed something somewhere. This means that both of you have long begun to lose contact.
Responsibility always lies with both, although not always equally. It is not necessary to calculate who is more to blame. Look to the future and don't repeat your mistakes. nine0005
Don't blame yourself. Yes, you could get irritated less often or demand less. But the partner could talk to you about it.
Do not try to return your partner
If it seems to you that there is nothing left in life and you need to return everything, stop. Fear speaks to you.
It's scary to be alone after a long relationship. And this is a completely normal reaction.
Do not give in to fear. Don't try to get your ex back with humiliated requests. Even if he returns, nothing good will come of such a relationship. nine0005
Get down to business
When the first sharp pain is over, go where you couldn't or didn't have time to go together. Watch movies that you liked but your ex didn't. Think about a hobby abandoned during a relationship.
Do things you would never do together. This will allow you to feel a freedom that was not there before.
In many cities dance, drawing, clay modeling, knitting or metal burning studios are now open. Trial lessons are often free. Why not try? In the worst case, you will lose an hour. At best, you will find a job that you love with all your heart. nine0005
Immediately after a breakup, many people lose weight because they can starve for days on end. But when the resources of the body are completely depleted, the appetite wakes up and the weight begins to grow.
At the same time, you want not just to eat, but to seize a bad mood with high-carbohydrate foods: pizza, ice cream, chocolate. If at the same time you move a little, the weight will grow even faster.
Therefore, you need to move, even if only minimally.
Make a list of good things
Do you think the world has faded and nothing good is left? This is not true. Your brain simply reacts to stress, and one day the black bar will end.
In the meantime, make a list of the good things you have. Work, friends, books, a collection of stamps or favorite cups, the taste of hot coffee in the morning, the smell of freshly cut grass, shopping - whatever brings you joy.
Add items to the list regularly, and when it gets really bad, re-read.
Change of scenery
If everything around reminds you of a former partner, you should think about changing the situation. Can't leave? Rearrange, buy new curtains or dishes. Changing the color scheme will help you tune in a different way. Experiment.
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Chat with friends
You can talk to them, they will support you in difficult times. But do not forget about their feelings, ask before talking about the breakup. Perhaps at this very moment your friend is not ready to listen to you or ready, but not able to give advice. nine0005
You don't need to communicate with those people who will aggravate your emotional state with phrases like "I told you, it's my own fault." As soon as you find something that can bring you relief, and those people who will support you, immediately start using this resource.
And don't forget to listen and support your friends in return.
Do 5 Exercises
The exercises recommended by psychologist Daphne Rose Kingma in her book How to Get Over a Breakup will help you understand why things happened the way they did. The main thing is to take them only when the first pain subsides. Otherwise, they can make things worse. nine0005
You can print on the computer or take a separate notebook. The second option has an advantage: the paper can be symbolically torn or burned after the exercises are completed.
Do not do exercises in succession. Take on the next one when the emotions subside. Do not try to unsubscribe: this is not an essay that needs to be completed and handed in as soon as possible. No one but you will see what you write.
1. Return to the roots
Briefly tell us about your acquaintance, first date, the beginning of a stormy romance, the time when you just got together. Describe exactly what hopes you had for your ex-partner. nine0005
Now focus on the "evidence" - something that even then foreshadowed problems. It could be some physical or psychological trait.
2. Describe how your relationship developed
First of all, tell us about what happened in your life outside of the relationship. Describe your status at that time. Have you ever been single or have you dreamed of falling in love? Or maybe you were in a relationship with another person? What did you want to achieve? What to experience? nine0005
Describe what you could offer your partner and what he or she could offer you.
Now describe how and when the "evidence" appeared. What did you feel?
Imagine that a movie is being made about your relationship. What name would you give it? You can describe the poster and come up with a synopsis of the story.
Tell us the real reason for your breakup. Is this reason related to the task of developing you or your partner?
Daphne Rose Kingma
A few examples: “I outgrew my need for a mommy”, “I finally understood my strengths”, “We raised children”, “We were connected only by sex, it was not enough”.
3. Analyze the gap
Mentally return to the turning point. When did you realize that something inside clicked and hurt? If you were not the initiator of the gap, then this happened later. Describe your feelings at that moment.
Make a list of reasons why your relationship would still fail. nine0005
Write a poison letter to your ex. Freely express your repressed emotions in it, whether it be pain, rage or anger.
Now describe your feelings of guilt. You can self-flagellate as much as you like - the paper will endure everything.
Remember that there are two manifestations of guilt. The first has to do with self-flagellation. The second is a real confession of guilt for some actions. Remember the times when you manipulated, said nasty things, tried to make your ex-partner angry. nine0005
This is unpleasant, but it will help you recognize your shortcomings and get rid of them.
Now write a confession letter to your former partner. You do not need to show him or her what you have written - this is done only for you. Admitting mistakes frees you from guilt.
Finally, write a letter of forgiveness to yourself. You have done a great job and deserve forgiveness from the most important person in your life - yourself.
4. Describe all the good things that this relationship gave you
Try writing a thank you note to an ex or ex.
5. Reassess reality
Invent a new role for your ex.
Describe the task you are currently facing. What do you want from the future? How do you see your new partner?
Daphne Rose Kingma
Regardless of how people feel about their breakup, whether they understand that they are still in anguish and confusion, whether they are convinced that they will never be able to come to terms with a breakup, they all left after classes with the feeling that they managed to rise to a more conscious level of perception. nine0005
See a psychologist or psychotherapist
Pain after a breakup is normal. But if it doesn't go away, you may be depressed. If you do not eat all day or, on the contrary, overeat, if you are depressed and everything falls out of your hands, if you think slowly and do not move at all, it's time to think about a visit to a psychotherapist.
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Do's and Don'ts to get over a breakup
Don't look for casual sex
It probably won't help, and you'll feel even worse than before. The desire to have sex is generated by withdrawal. The brain lacks oxytocin, and so we look for someone to comfort us.
Not convinced? Then at least don't get drunk before a date. Alcohol is a depressant. So instead of an enchanting orgasm, you will only get resentment towards the former and a feeling of guilt, and the next morning you will also have a hangover. nine0005
And remember about contraception.
Do not bully or blackmail
Emotional blackmail is often used by the person who has been dumped. The goal is to make the former partner feel guilty and uncomfortable. If the former partner really feels guilty, then he will not answer and besiege you when necessary.
Why can't you do that? Because it's low.
Do not start a relationship immediately after a breakup
Some people try to forget their former partner in this way. Sometimes it works. Sometimes new relationships are strong. But more often than not, they only make things worse. The patch won't help when you need stitches. nine0005
Don't force mutual friends to take sides
Don't give ultimatums in the first place. People don't like it.
If your former partner was abusive, mistreated or violent, and your friends still associate with him and take his side, consider whether you need such friends.
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How to forget your ex-partner
Remove him from all social networks
After a breakup, some people begin to intensively monitor the social networks of their former passions. Someone - in the hope of seeing signs of an imminent return: "In the last photo, she is sad because she misses me." Someone - out of gloating: "How he got burned on vacation, now, I suppose, the skin is peeling off."
Your former partner has a different life now. And if you see posts about her in your feed, it can be hard for you. So clean up the tape. It will also be useful to delete all correspondence. nine0005
And don't give secret (as you think) signals about yourself. Do not post photos, statuses, quotes like "I'm hard to find and easy to lose" and so on. Realize that the more time and energy you spend on an ending relationship, the more you get stuck in it.
Return all things and gifts to him
Just so that nothing reminds him of the past. This is difficult if you have lived together for a long time and bought a lot together. But without reminders, you can get over the breakup faster. nine0005
If he or she doesn't want to take his things, give them to someone or throw them away. You can even break. There is a chance that it will become a little easier.
How to stay friends
You don't have to keep a good relationship if you don't want to. Even if you have several common children or apartments. Only you can decide how to proceed with your ex. Listen to yourself, not to others.
If you still decide to remain friends, that's fine. Let it be hard. nine0005
Respect each other
This is the most important thing. If you feel like saying something not very nice, try holding back.
Take a deep breath, or several if necessary. Think about why emotions have become so strong and why they are so difficult to contain. When you find the reason, it becomes easier.
When you're both ready, it's time to talk about the relationship and why it ended.
Keep your distance
As hard as it is, you are no longer together. We need to learn to find new boundaries in relationships with each other, and this takes time. nine0005
If a former partner feels guilty, he may try to help you as before. Do not encourage this and sit on his neck.
Remember that life does not end with relationships. And even if it seems that there is no gap, if you are tormented by guilt, do not despair. Once you lived without your partner, which means you can again.
Parting is the beginning of a new life. It gives you the opportunity to grow above yourself, become more conscious and happier.
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How to end a relationship the right way
Relationships end for many reasons. Maybe you didn’t expect this romance to be long at all, or it’s no longer relevant, or you got close and realized that your partner still doesn’t suit you. How to complete this stage? nine0005
Admit there is no more
Listen to your feelings and evaluate the facts. For example, was it an office romance that obviously will not (or should not) continue, or a cute resort story that would be nice to leave it like that? Does this relationship really not bring you joy, does it not look the way you would like? Evaluate a partner objectively: is he cheerful and sexy, but can easily disappear for a week without warning? Is he caring, can he always complain about life and get advice? Does he look like your dad? Didn't you expect that the relationship would turn into something serious? Such a revision will help to make sure that the decision is not a momentary impulse. nine0005
Prepare for the conversation
Think in advance about what you will say, write down your points and answers to possible objections. You can even practice in front of a mirror so you don't look too emotional or insecure. You can write down point by point - what exactly did this communication format not suit you (in a conversation this may not be useful, but it will be useful for you in your future life).
Be confident in your decision
Doubts are normal, and if you have a lot of them, then it's not time to talk. If you are not completely sure that you are doing the right thing, you will only embarrass the person in vain and make him feel that he still has a chance. nine0005
Report the breakup in person and face to face
Sure, a social media post, text, email, or phone conversation is much easier, but not too respectful. You wouldn't like it if your relationship ended this way either! And only you can decide whether what happened between you is worth a minute conversation, a long meeting or the last night together.
Think carefully about how you will deliver the news. The worst option is to simply throw harsh words in the midst of an argument or quarrel. In acute stress, no one will be able to understand their true feelings and make a decision! Despite the fact that you end the relationship, it would be good not to hurt each other even more. Of course, there is no right time to end the affair, but delaying the decision for too long is also not a good idea
Respect and honesty
Find an opportunity to say that you are glad that you had this period of life, what was good about it, but emphasize that everything is over and you are ready to move on. “Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you” is a great rule. It is not easy to hurt another or destroy his hope, but you can do it in such a way that you have a good impression of each other.
Choose a suitable location
If you suspect that a conversation may be too emotional, it is better to communicate among people - in a cafe, park, on the street, so both of you will be quite restrained.
Keep a polite tone
If your partner asks you about the reasons for your decision, be honest but kind, do not cause unnecessary pain - do not list all of his qualities that horrified you, or all of your negative impressions from communicating with him. Speak calmly and respectfully, you can, for example, formulate the phrase in advance: “I thought about it and decided that I don’t want to continue this relationship,” and consistently stick to it. If he's interested, explain why you don't want things to continue. Focus on how you feel rather than listing problems. And of course, you don't have to answer any questions he asks you. nine0005
Stick to your decision
If you feel you are doing the right thing, don't let your partner convince you to stay together. It's normal that after a breakup, everyone is upset, worried, hurt everyone - and this can be difficult to deal with. But feeling guilty or doing something terrible to someone is no reason to stay in a relationship you no longer want.
You will be sad too
No matter how old you are, how long the relationship lasted, and what expectations you had from it, getting over a breakup can be quite difficult. Allow yourself to be sad, angry that nothing worked out, and offended. All loves and all the people with whom we were close affect our lives in one way or another, but we look at many things differently as time passes. As frustrating as it is now, the consequences of a breakup that you are currently experiencing will not last forever. And even vice versa, the experience gained will definitely affect future relationships - but you still cannot predict exactly how. True intimacy means being able to communicate on a deep level, openness, willingness to share your feelings, to talk about what is happening to you. By discussing the relationship that you are completing together with a man, you help yourself: by the next attempt, you will draw conclusions and be able to avoid some problems. nine0005
Remind yourself that you made the right decision
For example, send yourself a letter describing this story and saying: “I know you are sad right now, but you are doing well, it will be better soon!” or "You did everything right, and it will be useful for you to get out of the house on the weekend so as not to be sad alone."
Romances that don't develop into something serious are perfectly fine! Even if at the first stage everything was “fair” - joy, endorphins, expectations - no one will ever be able to say how the story will develop and how it will end. The desire to find a mate, a loved one is natural for all people, but mistakes and wrong decisions are also natural. So just move forward: everything is going right, there will definitely be more love. nine0005
Don't blame your partner for the end of the relationship
While it's tempting to dwell on the "he just didn't suit me" version, people break up for various reasons, sometimes simply because it "didn't work out." It always takes two to start and develop a relationship, so it’s not worth denying your contribution to what is happening. It’s better to try to evaluate everything from a distance and draw conclusions: maybe somewhere you were expecting too much, or you didn’t listen to your real desires and needs, or you ignored important “flags” for a long time. We do not urge you to treat this novel as a draft, but still this is a chance to reconsider your plans and expectations so that next time it will definitely turn out better. nine0005
Stop all contacts for a while
And even if the decision to break up is common, and you are both really ready to maintain friendly relations, this pause is also better to take. It often happens that “let's remain friends” is just a tribute to politeness, a formality, a desire to show oneself from the best side. But an honest pause will help to cope with possible grievances and generally move away from emotions a little. However, you are not obligated to offer friendship, nor to agree to this offer. Yes, it might seem like a tempting way to save face or somehow stay in each other's lives, but without further discussion, it's not clear what you mean. Do you socialize regularly, or just keep saying hello at lunchtime, or have coffee once a month, or are you expected to have "friendly" sex, or are you just willing to help each other out if needed? As a rule, conditional "friendship" either leads to misunderstanding (when one clearly wants more than the other is ready to offer), or to the illusion that there is a second chance. So it is advisable to be completely without contacts for a couple of months after the break - not to see each other, not to call each other, not to observe each other's life, and then it will be seen. nine0005
Whatever these relationships were, they were part of your life. Decide what you will do with this time: meetings with friends, hobbies, sports, work?
11 UNSUCCESSFUL WAYS TO BREAK UP
- Just disappear, block everywhere, do not warn the person about what happened, leave him no opportunity for contact. You are not a ghost after all! It's just not nice to leave another in a state of complete uncertainty, even if it seems to you that he fully deserved it. nine0076
- During a conversation, refer to commonplace things like "it's not about you, it's about me" or "you will feel bad with me." This is both insulting and will not at all help a person understand why you are breaking up at all, maybe everything suited him. Besides, we're not in a bad show after all, so use normal, honest explanations.
- Asking someone else to end the relationship for you - friends, relatives. This is unfair to all sides of the process.
- Use the threat of a breakup to change something in a relationship. It's dishonest and definitely won't improve the situation or create intimacy. If you want to break up - break up, if you don't want to - continue to communicate. nine0076
- Double messages. You invite your partner to leave, explain why you decided so, but you continue to behave as if nothing had happened - you continue to be gentle, affectionate with him, send hearts or even have sex. Sorry, but he just won't guess that you've already broken up!
- Blame yourself, being sure that you are not capable of normal relationships at all, you have some kind of “breakdown”, everything is wrong with you and you are a poor-quality woman. But there are always two involved in a relationship, and if something doesn’t add up and doesn’t inspire, each of the participants has definitely contributed to it. If you are all the time focused only on your contribution, it will be difficult for you to see any signs in a potential or current partner that this relationship is not for you. nine0076
- Blame only the other. If you focused solely on your partner’s shortcomings and decided that everything went wrong because of him, this will not allow you to take a closer look at your contribution to the relationship and evaluate what and how you are doing, so as not to carry mistakes further.
- Too much discussion with others. When you involve loved ones, friends, and co-workers in talking about how bad things are, you risk creating embarrassment for people who know both of you. Besides, will you suddenly renew the relationship? Doubly awkward. nine0076
- Telling someone about the breakup or naming it on social media before the conversation even takes place.
- Behave worse so that a man becomes the initiator of the breakup - in the hope that he will take on this difficult part.