How do you know your boyfriend is controlling

10 Signs Of A Controlling Boyfriend

You and your boyfriend just made things official, but he already wants to spend so much time with you. And he wants to know everything about you. And he wants to make sure you make it home—or even to and from work—safely. Um, if it feels like too much, it probably is.

"You feel like you’re being pursued, and that’s cool and feels amazing—until it feels awful," says Megan Bruneau, RCC, a therapist in New York City who specializes in relationships and other issues facing her millennial clientele.

But it's not always easy to distinguish true love from a controlling relationship. In fact, "a lot of signs of a controlling partner can be highly romanticized in the beginning of the relationship," says Heather Lofton, PhD, a therapist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University.

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So while all those "sweet" moments he spends concerned about your whereabouts could mean chivalry isn't totally dead, it could also hint at potentially controlling behavior. It’s important to have your radar up, experts say, because what starts as annoying can wind up abusive—and that's much harder (and more dangerous) to get away from. "One of my biggest concerns is how gray some of these things can be until you’re a year into a relationship, which can be difficult to sort through and leave," explains Lofton.

If you think you might have a controlling boyfriend, here are 10 signs to look out for:

1. You’re increasingly isolated from friends and family.

Sure, any relationship is a time commitment and may require you to adjust priorities. Maybe you no longer spend all weekend brunching and binge watching Vanderpump Rules with your girls, or every weeknight glued to work. But if your BF is controlling, he may not only dislike you spending time with the other important people in your life, but might even try to turn you against them ("Your mom sure treats you like crap"), so you think the distance is a good thing, Bruneau says. Take note now.

2. You don’t have many other people to talk to.

Similarly, a controlling partner isn’t cool with the concept (and pretty much the fact) that he can’t meet all of your needs. If you no longer call your college BFF for advice or to vent because your BF has made you believe he should be your one and only source of support, you may have an impending problem on your hands. "It's a form of isolation that I encourage all women to be aware of," says Lofton.

3. You’re apologizing all the time.

Find yourself saying "sorry" a lot, even though you're not entirely sure what you’ve done wrong? That's a check in the "controlling partner" box. Someone who wants to have all the power in a relationship often turns their own faults on you—making you feel like you’re the one who’s too critical, not committed to the relationship, or even a bad girlfriend—because that's how they stay in control.

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"You might say, 'I wasn’t being empathetic enough or patient enough,'" Bruneau explains, or feel like you’re always "messing up." In reality, your partner should be the one apologizing.

4. You’re hiding innocent things from him.

Say you go to an impromptu happy hour after work or run into a friend and get sidetracked catching up. Do you consciously avoid telling your partner about it? That’s a red flag, according to experts. "If there are a lot of secrets you’re keeping for fear of judgment or the way he might respond… it may be a sign he’s controlling," says Bruneau.

5. His love is conditional.

While many signs of a controlling partner are subtle, this one—"I’ll only love you if" or "You’re going to push me away if" sentiments—should set off the alarm bells, Lofton says. "This form of controlling looks like, 'I love you once you get a new job,' or, 'You will be more desirable to me as soon as you change your hair color or lose weight,'" she explains. "That can lead to women believing they’re not accepted or worthy of love."

Think your boyfriend's "The One"? Ask yourself these questions first:

6. He thinks he's always right.

If your boyfriend is confident, charming, and persuasive, you might think you've hit the jackpot. After all, those are all great career skills, and they're probably part of what makes him attractive. But they could also make him a controlling partner. For example, your BF might say something like "having male friends is disrespectful to our relationship" with such confidence that you think, "I guess that’s the truth" or "I was so naïve in past relationships," Bruneau notes. "You get to this place where you don’t even trust yourself anymore. "

7. He treats you more like a child than an equal.

When you lived with your parents, you couldn’t leave the house in a short skirt or come in after midnight. It wasn't always fun, but hey, that’s kinda what parents are for. A partner, however, should treat you like, well, a partner.

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Rules or restrictions on what you wear, who you hang out with, what you eat, or how you spend your free time are not okay. "That’s a form of extreme protection and possession that can, again, be viewed as flattering, but also very damaging at the same time," says Lofton.

8. He keeps score.

Will your BF just not let go of that one time you cancelled plans or when you told your friend about something before him? That’s not fair, and potentially controlling, Bruneau says. "Little interactions that keep getting brought up can make you feel like you owe something to them," she says. You don’t.

9. You have zero privacy.

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If you want to share, say, your salary with your partner, feel free. But if he demands to see sensitive and irrelevant-to-him things like your text message history, bank statements, and work computer, consider yourself warned. One way controlling partners "maintain that level of control [is] by being very transparent about what they’re going through," says Lofton.

10. He criticizes the most mundane things.

Did you used to think making the bed or chopping onions was nbd, but now, even those inconsequential habits are under your partner’s scrutiny? Sounds like a controlling relationship. Still, it can be tough to recognize when you’re in it, Bruneau says. If you grew up with critical parents or are self-critical (aren’t we all?), "hearing that criticism almost feels more comfortable than not hearing it," she says.

Okay, so now what?

Any one of these signs alone probably doesn’t mean you’re in a controlling relationship—especially if it only happened once. Maybe your partner had a moment of weakness and read an email you left on the screen.

But, if several of these signs add up to an overall controlling pattern, take action before the behavior becomes abusive.

First, experts recommend sharing how you feel with your boyfriend. Think less: "You’re so controlling!" and more: "I feel criticized when you tell me I don’t make the bed properly" or "I feel distrusted when you tell me I can’t hang out with Joe."

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If you're in what Lofton calls a "low-risk controlling relationship," you can still talk to your boyfriend about how you feel and why you think there is a level of disrespect. "Your partner may be open to hearing that kind of language," she says.

Next, make an effort to reach back out to those friends and family members who’ve been slipping away since your relationship began. "Those people will be your supports and confidantes in navigating the challenges within your romantic relationship and will help give you the strength and validation necessary to making clear-minded decisions," says Bruneau. If the relationship starts to slip into abusive territory, those folks will likely be the ones to point it out—and help get you out.

Also consider professional help. "Some of these behaviors can be worked through in therapy," Lofton explains, pointing out that, sometimes, the behavior stems from some past trauma in the controlling partner’s life. Try going to a marriage and family therapist together, and encourage your partner to see a therapist on his own, too. "Therapy can help the controlling partner understand the development of the behavior and create tools for dismantling it," says Lofton.

If he resists, then you should seriously think about ending the relationship. After all, there's no point in staying with someone who knows their controlling behavior makes you unhappy, but doesn't want to do anything about it. And if that seems difficult or even dangerous (which it certainly can be), seek out help from The National Domestic Abuse Hotline.

Anna Medaris Miller

Anna Medaris Miller is a writer and editor in New York City who has years of experience reporting and writing on various health topics. She's covered the upsides of sugar consumption and the downsides of standing desks, but because she made her national TV debut explaining why toilet seat covers are useless, she'll forever identify with "the bowel beat." Public swimming pools, brewpub patios, and basset hound festivals are her happy places.

20 Signs of a Controlling Partner

In my years as a psychologist and now as a mental health podcast host, I've long since learned that stereotypes don't apply when it comes to controlling partners. Toxic relationships can sneak up on almost anyone. And controlling behavior on the part of a partner knows no boundaries—people of any age, gender, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic status can be in controlling relationships, playing either role.

Many of us visualize a controlling partner as one who openly berates everyone in their path, is physically aggressive, or constantly makes overt threats or ultimatums. We picture the grumpy bully who belittles every server he or she encounters or commands their partner how to dress from head to toe. While those signs are indeed troubling, there are many additional signs that might show up quite differently.

In fact, some controlling partners are acting out of a sense of emotional fragility and heightened vulnerability, and may perhaps show traits of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Controlling people use a whole arsenal of tools in order to dominate their partners—whether they or their partners realize what's happening or not.

Sometimes, the emotional manipulation is complex enough that the person who is being controlled actually believes that they themselves are the villain, or that they are extremely lucky that their controlling partner "puts up" with them. Whether controlling behavior leads to more severe emotional or physical abuse or not, it is not a healthy situation.

If you notice more than a couple of these signs within your relationship or your partner, take it seriously. (If you are concerned for your safety or want to learn more about possibly abusive relationship patterns, visit thehotline.org.)

1. Isolating you from friends and family. It may start subtly, but this is often a first step for a controlling person. Maybe they complain about how often you talk to your brother on the phone, or say they don't like your best friend and don't think you should hang out with her anymore. Or they try to turn you against anyone that you're used to relying on for support besides them. Their goal is to strip you of your support network, and thus your strength—so that you will be less likely or able to stand up against them whenever they want to "win."

2. Chronic criticism—even for small things. Criticism, like isolation, is also something that can start small. In fact, someone may try to convince themselves that their partner's criticism of them is warranted, or that their partner is just trying to help them be a better person. Or they may try to rationalize it, saying that it's not such a big deal that he or she doesn't like the way they dress or speak or eat or decorate their house and that they shouldn't take it personally. But ultimately, no matter how individually small a criticism seems, if it's part of a constant dynamic within your relationship, it would be very tough to feel accepted, loved, or validated. If every little thing you do could use improvement in your partner's eyes, then how are you being valued as a true equal, let alone loved unconditionally?

3. Veiled or overt threats, against you or them. Some people think that threats have to be physical in nature to be problematic. But threats of leaving, cutting off "privileges," or even threats by the controlling person to harm herself or himself can be every bit as emotionally manipulative as the threat of physical violence. It is not unheard of for the partner being controlled to feel stuck in a relationship not out of fear that they themselves will be harmed, but that their partner may self-destruct or harm themselves if they were to leave. Other times, a person may be threatened with losing their home, access to their children, or financial support if they leave a controlling or abusive partner (or are left by them). Whether or not the threats are genuine, it is just another way for the controlling person to get what they want at the expense of their partner.

4. Making acceptance/caring/attraction conditional. "I love you so much more when you're making those sales at work." "I don't feel like being intimate with you. But if you keep working out and lose a bit more weight, you'll be more attractive to me." "If you can't even be bothered to make dinner, I don't even know what I'm getting from this relationship." "You'd be hot if only you spent more time on your hair." "If you'd actually finished college, you'd have something to talk about with my friends and wouldn't feel so left out. " Though some of these examples are more blatant than others, the message is the same: You, right now, are not good enough. It's the common-denominator theme of many a controlling relationship.

5. An overactive scorecard. Healthy, stable relationships have a sense of reciprocity built into them. It's inherent that you will look out for each other, and not bean-count every little time you do something to help the other out. If your partner always keeps a tally of every last interaction within your relationship—whether to hold a grudge, demand a favor in return, or be patted on the back—it could very well be their way of having the upper hand. And it can be downright exhausting.

6. Using guilt as a tool. Many controlling people are skilled manipulators at making their partner's own emotions work in the controlling person's favor. If they can manipulate their partners into feeling a steady stream of guilt about everyday goings-on, then a lot of the controlling person's work is done for them—their partners will gradually try to do whatever they can to not have to feel guilty. Often this means relenting and giving up power and their own dissenting opinion within the relationship, which plays right into the controlling person's hands.

7. Creating a debt you're beholden to. Controlling people may come on very strongly in the beginning with seemingly romantic gestures. But upon closer inspection, many of those gestures—extravagant gifts, expectations of serious commitment early on, taking you for luxurious meals or on adventurous outings, letting you have full use of their car or home when they're not there—can be used to control you. Specifically, they create an expectation of you giving something in return, or a sense that you feel beholden to that person because of all they've given you. This can make it more emotionally and logistically difficult to escape when further warning bells go off.

8. Spying, snooping, or requiring constant disclosure. A controlling partner typically feels that they have the right to know more than they actually do. Whether they keep their snooping secret or openly demand that you must share everything with them, it is a violation of boundaries from the get-go. Perhaps he or she checks your phone, logs into your email, or constantly tracks your Internet history, and then justifies this by saying they've been burned before, have trust issues, or the old standard: "If you're not doing anything wrong, then you shouldn't mind showing me." It's a violation of your privacy, hand-in-hand with the unsettling message that they have no interest in trusting you and instead want to take on a police-like presence within your relationship.

9. Overactive jealousy, accusations, or paranoia. A partner's jealousy can be flattering in the beginning; it can arguably be viewed as endearing, or a sign of how much they care or how attached they are. When it becomes more intense, however, it can be scary and possessive. A partner who views every interaction you have as being flirtatious, is suspicious or threatened by multiple people you come in contact with, or faults you for innocent interactions because they may be "leading someone on" may be insecure, anxious, competitive or even paranoid. Additionally, when this perspective becomes ingrained within your relationship, they very likely are attempting to be controlling as well.

10. Not respecting your need for time alone. It's another way of sapping your strength: making you feel guilty for time you need on your own to recharge, or making you feel like you don't love them enough when you perhaps need less time with them than they need with you. It is natural that two partners may not automatically have the exact same needs in terms of alone time, even if they are both extroverts (or introverts). In healthy relationships, communication about those needs leads to a workable compromise. In controlling ones, the person needing the alone time is made out to be a villain or denied the time altogether, taking away yet another way they can strengthen themselves.

11. Making you "earn" trust or other good treatment. Of course, you will trust someone you've dated for five years more than you trust the person you've been seeing for a month. But some amount of trust should be assumed or inherent within the relationship. For instance, as mentioned, you shouldn't always have to detail your whereabouts for every moment of every day, nor should your partner automatically have the right to access your email or texts or Internet search history. If trust or even civil treatment is viewed as something you need to work up to rather than the default setting of the relationship, the power dynamic in your relationship is off-kilter.

12. Presuming you're guilty until proven innocent. Again, a controlling person is often very skilled at making you feel that you've done something wrong even before you realize what you did. You may walk in the door to find them already angry about something that they found, thought about, or decided in your absence. And they may keep "evidence" of your wrongdoing to a point that you may feel they've got a whole case against you—even if you don't quite understand it. From where you put their favorite coffee mug to whether you had lunch with a coworker without them knowing, you will always be assumed to have had criminal motives. Why do they do this? To use it as justification for punishing you in some way, or preemptively trying to keep you from making that "error" again—to keep you acting in ways they want you to.

13. Getting you so tired of arguing that you'll relent. While some controlling people like to exert their influence under the radar, many others are openly and chronically argumentative and embrace conflict when they can get it. This can be especially true when their partner is more passive and the controlling person is likely to triumph in every disagreement that comes up, just because the partner being controlled is more conflict-avoidant in nature or simply exhausted from the fighting that they've done.

14. Making you feel belittled for long-held beliefs. Maybe it's your faith or your politics. Maybe it's cultural traditions or your view of human nature. It's great when our partners can challenge us in interesting discussions and give us new ways of looking at the world. It is not great when they make you feel small, silly, or stupid, or they consistently try to change your mind about something important to you that you believe in. Openness to new experience is wonderful—but a controlling partner doesn't see it as a two-way street, and only wants you to be and think more like they do.

15. Making you feel you don't "measure up" or are unworthy of them. Whether by subtly making you feel less attractive than they are, constantly reinforcing their professional accomplishments as compared to yours, or even comparing you unfavorably to their exes, controlling people often want you to feel grateful that you are in a relationship with them. This creates a dynamic where you will be more willing to work harder and harder to keep them and make them happy—a dream for someone who wants to dominate a relationship.

16. Teasing or ridicule that has an uncomfortable undercurrent. Humor and even teasing can be a fundamental mode of interacting within many long-term relationships. The key aspect is whether it feels comfortable and loving to both parties. In many controlling relationships, emotional abuse can be thinly veiled as "I was just playing with you; you shouldn't take it personally." And in one fell swoop, not only does the original criticism stand, but now an additional criticism of you having the "wrong" reaction has been levied. And you're basically being told that you don't have a right to your own feelings—a classic move by controlling people everywhere.

17. Sexual interactions that feel upsetting afterwards. An abusive or controlling dynamic within a relationship can often make its way into the bedroom. Sometimes things feel wrong even in the moment, but other times it's a pattern of feeling uncomfortable after the interaction. Either way, when you feel consistently unsettled about goings-on within your sexual realtionship, it's a sign that something is wrong.

18. Inability or unwillingness to ever hear your point of view. You may notice that you are constantly interrupted, or that opinions you express are quickly dismissed or were never acknowledged in the first place. Perhaps the conversation is always so overwhelmingly dominated by your partner that you can't remember the last time they asked you a meaningful question about how you were doing and actually listened to the answer. Think, too, of whether you've ever tried to give them feedback about how their behavior makes you feel—and whether they've actually been able to take it in, or whether they've dismissed it out of hand (or perhaps even blamed you for having an invalid opinion.)

19. Pressuring you toward unhealthy behaviors, like substance abuse. Undermining your fitness goals, constantly tempting you with cigarettes when you've quit, not respecting your decision to only have one drink rather than three—these are all ways that controlling people can try to thwart your attempts to be a healthier (and stronger) person. Since controlling people thrive on weakening their partners, it's a natural tool for them to use.

20. Thwarting your professional or educational goals by making you doubt yourself. Maybe you always assumed you would go to law school, but now your partner is making you feel your grades weren't good enough to get in. Maybe you used to have a lot of drive to own your own business, but your partner tends to think of your ideas as silly and you find you've lost confidence to pursue them further. Often a controlling partner has a way of using you as a weapon against yourself, by planting seeds of doubt about whether you're talented or smart or hard-working enough to make good things happen in your life. This is another way they can take away your autonomy, making you more beholden to them—and serving their purposes quite nicely.

Facebook image: Kamil Macniak/Shutterstock

Olga Makhovskaya: About the phenomenon of "reserve women"

Even if feminists all over the world one day on the eve of March 8 achieve all the rights they have declared and the civil status of a woman increases like never before, there will be one status that is not amenable to any external influences, but an extremely important status for a woman - the status of happiness.

And here a woman of the 21st century is unlikely to be able to get out of dependence on men. This dependence is almost eternal, and the only thing that reconciles with it is that it is mutual.

Our conversation with a well-known psychologist, author of the books "Reserve Woman" and "Anti-Marriage Syndrome in Men" Olga Makhovskaya is about modern accents of eternal relationships.

Rossiyskaya gazeta : "Reserve woman" is not necessarily a lover, but a very close, necessary, supportive woman, one that a man is always sorry to lose. Maybe it's a hoax?

Olga Makhovskaya : Before taking up the book, the idea of which came to me on a whim, I asked the men I knew for several days: "Do you have a spare woman?" The answers were instantaneous and like a blueprint: "How do you know?!" With the formula "reserve woman" I try to describe the "shadow role" of a woman in a relationship with a man. Their obscure relationship. By analogy with the "shadow economy" we can talk about "shadow psychology", "shadow personal life".

WP : Where can you find this "reserve woman"?

Makhovskaya : First of all next to successful men.

Rare of them does not hide the shadowy figure of a woman. By the way, she can be dim, discreet, but with a great outlook, always with special spiritual qualities and a colossal attitude towards this particular man. The last striking example, which finally convinced me that the institution of "reserve women" exists, is a TV show about the actress Nina Doroshina, Oleg Efremov's longtime lover. Despite the fact that he liked young and beautiful actresses, he constantly returned to her, especially if he was smashed into the trash. Among artists of such a scale as Efremov, you can collect a collection of "reserve women".

RG : And the phenomenon of "reserve men"...

Makhovskaya : ... does not exist. The female psyche is the psyche of a minimalist who uses all the possibilities of one option. In a relationship with one person, she is able to conclude the whole world.

RG : And the very convincing triangle "one woman - two men" in Valery Todorovsky's film "Lover"?

Makhovskaya : But the heroine can't stand it, she dies. For a woman, the situation with the "shadow man" will never seem ideal. Another thing is that today business women have young lovers as a symbol of success. But purely psychologically it does not give her anything. And it does not strengthen it, but weakens it. And love is a feeling that should strengthen a person. And "reserve women" strengthen men. And "spare men" tear women apart.

WP : Is there any hidden inequality in this formulation of the question?

Makhovskaya: I describe in the book the reality that most traumatizes a woman. Big positions, cool limousines - okay, we can do without it. But when you are denied the most important thing - psychological intimacy ... Today in Russia the best women and the best in women are not in demand. And the demographic situation is such that you constantly stumble upon women who are beautiful in every respect - they are smart, they are personalities, they are professionals, they have a huge outlook, they are good-looking, and they arouse admiration. There are more such women in Russia today than anywhere else in the world, I say this as an expert, because I dealt with the topic of international marriages and heard constant indications of this from European men. All of them noted that in addition to the education of our women, they are distinguished by spiritual warmth, to which men of any culture react. But nevertheless, these women, who are not very suitable for marriage with foreigners due to the difference in cultural and psychological nuances, remain unclaimed.

But the point is not only in the lack of demand for women, but also in the loss of men. Successful, strong, married to young and beautiful women, they often find themselves in a psychological impasse. True, at the same time they do not like to admit that they are bored with their wife, that she demands everything, being capricious, it is not clear what, and he quickly gets tired of this and only hopes to raise an obedient wife out of her by the traditional method of stick and carrot. But don't expect harmony here.

It so happened that most people in Russia today - often successful-rich, married-married - do not have an intimate psychological partner. Despite the fact that the need for this is as high as ever - due to the instability of the world and our internal imbalances. But this need is stubbornly not recognized, not noticed, ignored. The phenomenon of "spare women" is also a crushed, "shadow" thirst for psychological intimacy. If we understood this, we would finally, perhaps, be able to fight each other.

WP : And the question is: how can we get through to each other?

Makhovskaya : In general, yes. Male and female perception of mutual relations is different, and this difference is poorly understood. The story of a man and a woman for a man usually begins with a sexual interest. For a woman - always with an attempt to establish psychological intimacy, that is, to behave sincerely and confidentially. A woman suffers greatly, not finding an answer to this, feeling that she is not in demand entirely, but in a minimal and humiliating way. But in fact, this is only the beginning of the story. If you do not understand that this is a stage in relationships with men (it is followed by a stage of intellectual intimacy and only then - psychological), then relationships cannot be built in principle. Every time you will stumble upon what you perceive as a sexual object, be offended and leave without seeing a future.

At the same time, the man also does not understand the peculiarities of women's attitude to their history. And low psychological culture - both in men and women - does not allow us to realize this difference.

Glossy neurosis

WP : Aren't the younger generation more skilled at this?

Makhovskaya: What are you talking about! On glossy instructions "How to seduce a man (woman)?" a new generation of neurotics has already grown up.

We have incredibly tied our personal relationships to market ones. The standard of behavior for us is cut out according to the type of deal: don't lose, don't sell too cheap, get yours. Recently, as a psychologist, girls come to me for a consultation in great bewilderment. They do not understand why they, so sophisticated, educated, with long legs, dressed in the latest fashion, do not want to get married, they do not want children from them, and they fail to keep partners close to them.

At the same time, everyone wants a handsome-young-healthy-rich man and that he has no other fixed idea in his head, except for "taking care of me." And what do you want, this is the perfect partner for a girl who trains herself all the time. She believes that at the end of the race, this is exactly what she should be waiting for. And if he still hasn't met, then she's still poorly trained. It is necessary to build up capacities, go to a psychologist for trainings, get "psychotechnologies" from him and aim them at the peasants.

The entire glossy industry sharpens them on the idea of "competitiveness", imposes this market race on them. And the young woman actually positions herself as a basket with a living wage. Like a commodity. And when it is treated like a commodity - depreciated, rejected, abandoned - it is indignant.

WP : Well, the ideals produced by the "glossy industry" sometimes smell like outright madness.

Makhovskaya : At the same time, the "gloss" is very pleased with itself and is not sold anywhere like ours. We generally accept any fashion with great enthusiasm. And this one also hit our complex of "gray mice" and "Cinderellas". “Dear woman,” the “gloss” told us, “you are underestimated, you are actually better, more beautiful, I will help you realize this now.” But, trying to play the role of a “good fairy”, he played an “evil wizard.” And low The consumer of "gloss", standing at the mirror, usually says to herself: well, yes, not thin enough, and legs again ... This gives rise to "glossy neurosis", when it seems to a woman that if she did not go to hairdresser or missed a couple of fitness, then it ... everyone will see! And retribution will be inevitable. 0005

RG: "Needle"?

Makhovskaya : Kind of self-dependence. "Gloss" after all, by hook or by crook, makes you fall in love not with a partner, but with yourself. And these strange, pathological practices from the point of view of psychology and sexology, this fashion for "love yourself - take care of yourself" are still being cultivated. And how can a person who is preoccupied with himself, hyper-attentive to his appearance, wallet, wardrobe, think about a partner, live his life?

This ends in colossal isolation. Look how many lonely TV stars we have. They often have a reputation for being gay, but I am convinced that in most cases this is a "Narcissus complex": they cannot imagine a person worthy of themselves next to them.

The task of "gloss" is to promote goods on the market - accessories, cars, services. But we do not understand that this is all connected with the standard of living, and not with its quality. The standard of living can be measured in money, but the quality can only be measured psychologically: a person is happy or unhappy. And in terms of "quality of life" very rich can be very poor.

RG : Well, yes, when you read about the adventures of the oligarchs in Courchevel, you understand that the standard of living is undeniable, but the quality...

Makhovskaya : I would be glad to know that, for example, the oligarch Prokhorov has a secret lover or female friend. Not young, not beautiful, understanding. But I suspect that the role of "reserve woman" is played by his smart older sister Irina.

But looking back, the best men remember not women who struck them with their beauty, but those who supported and understood in difficult times. Most often, this woman is the mother. But mom can't be with us all our lives. It seems to me that the main problem of a modern Russian man is that he grows out of the image of his mother and does not grow up to the image of "his woman."

A man running away from himself

WG : Why can't the "reserve woman" who compensates for the terrible deficit of psychological intimacy be taken out of the shadows?

Makhovskaya : But "shadow relations" are something flickering, hard to notice from the outside. They cannot be operated on, they cannot be felt. After all, no one controls what a man and a woman talk about. And besides, the man, as always, did not promise anything... It is difficult to verbalize, realize, believe, blame... Very shaky ground - the soil of happiness. Relations are not procedural, not promising dividends. It's not "marry a millionaire".

Actually, the last confession for a "reserve woman" is to marry her. Shadow relationships are most often offered to smart and well-feeling women. Men... are afraid of their legalization. Fear of losing control in a relationship. Their sociality provokes the role of a strategist, a person who controls his life to a much greater extent than a woman. And it is very difficult to control a woman, especially a "reserve", exclusive one. It is comparable to him in terms of resources - psychological and intellectual. And in this sense it is dangerous. It's, you know, how to have a fortune teller in your girlfriends. Go and do some magic, it's still so-and-so, but you don't need to have friends, you'll still "wind up" something.

The "reserve woman" knows everything about you, she is your equal, you are dependent on her. When men brush off such a woman, they only more firmly mark the boundaries of their independence. When once every six months they come to the woman they would like to see every day, then behind this you can also find the fear of losing yourself in another person, of ceasing to be yourself. What, by the way, not only men, but also women are afraid of. Because these mergers into a single whole - they are associated with a temporary loss of "I". And it's scary in its own way. As a psychologist, men described it to me as a kind of claustrophobia: it blocks, closes the whole world.

RG : For some reason resurrection love comes to mind. Petrarch, for whom Laura was a way of looking at the world ... She did not impoverish him. And what, nothing promises permission?

Makhovskaya : No, you know, in the last three years men suddenly went to psychologists. Previously, they came mainly to quarrel: "Do not dare to fool my wife, we ourselves will deal with everything with her. " And now there are men who suffer from role inversion in a situation with a successful woman. Which manages the budget, and sets the tone, and determines the development strategy of the couple - this is actually a male position. A man in such a situation begins to feel the value of emotional warmth, comfort. And she often comes to a psychologist with what a woman used to come with, to complain: she used to be more responsive, caring ... And this, by the way, is also a request for psychological intimacy.

WP : But is a woman, deprived of psychological intimacy, more hurt than a man? Are men more able to do without?

Makhovskaya : Do not forget that men live less. And drugs, alcohol, strength sports, passion for risk, this is all their "running away from themselves." When a colossal emotional deficit has been accumulated, and a man can no longer live without doping, and does not dare to have psychological intimacy with a woman ... Around 40, a man's biological advances in life are spent. He understands that he is not so young and lightning fast, that he has problems with his health and with the bed. And just the time of special sensitivity in relation to psychological intimacy begins. And we need not unbridled sex, but a spiritual partner. A woman who empowers you. And a more subtle and refined relationship with her. And a mutual greater mood for a partner.

He doesn't know what to do when he suddenly realizes the overwhelming "I can't live with this man anymore!" Maybe quit your job, or maybe lose. Maybe buy a new car, or maybe go to the country. Narrow-minded wives think "he has a woman," but he just "sheds."

By the way, if he has a "reserve woman", he immediately calls her. That's when he realizes its necessity.

WP : Look, maybe everything is simpler? Remember, in one Soviet film, the movie hero Alexander Mikhailov said: "All of you women know about us, but you don’t know one thing: why we love some and marry others."

Makhovskaya : They don't know this themselves. I'm telling you this as a psychologist, not as a woman.

But you know, statistics show that the number of marriages where the woman is older has doubled among the Japanese over the past 15 years. It is believed that a man chooses a woman older - and not by 2-3 years, but by 7-10 years - if he is interesting to himself as a person. And she wants to find answers to questions about herself. This recognition that the psychological part of my life is no less important than the material part, it saves many men. And those who understand this, as a rule, are happy. And these marriages are stable.

Not old-world love

RG : And yet there are not Japanese, but our couples, where psychological intimacy is not in short supply, but in abundance. But at the same time, it seems to me that happiness is poorly presented in our country. Where do we have happy spouses in literature, except for "Old World Landowners". But "Anna Karenina", in which the whole story of Anna is just about the absence of psychological intimacy, we love much more.

Makhovskaya : Yes, an indicator of psychological closeness is a happy joint old age. And when a husband and wife, as in the stories of Alexander Grin, die on the same day. But this is not necessarily childish intimacy in the image of "Old World Landowners". And at 60, and at 70, and at 80, a man and a woman can be a real man and woman. Without losing their spiritual qualities, without turning into children or into plants.

But old age is out of fashion today. She is not shown. The film market demonstrates that films with young actors bring more income, that everyone likes to watch the beginning of passionate love. The Hollywood tradition of eternal youth wins everything. We forgot about a good soulful movie about older people.

There are no old people on the screen at all. Notice we don't even have male actors capable of playing interesting older men? Baluev? Mikhalkov?

And to play psychological intimacy is the pinnacle of theatrical and film mastery.

If I were the head of a central TV channel, I would create - through serials and talk shows - a fashion for a new style of relationships. For psychological intimacy. Would show the beauty of such marriages.

RG : Will this fit in the series?

Makhovskaya : If a series with the figure of a psychologist who would comment on all this, then why not. So far, we have a good “soap”, where the feelings of an unfortunate woman are “worked out”. Such series give relief, but do not give a breakthrough. A woman is still left alone with her passions and experiences, men do not watch TV shows.

The film-drama genre is needed. The genres of a long spiritual conversation "tete-a-tete" with famous men, like Konchalovsky, would also be good. We are talented in sincere conversations.

WP : Does life in a big city interfere with the cultivation of love?

Makhovskaya : Life in a metropolis, on the one hand, provides additional opportunities for meeting, and on the other hand, it tears you apart. It is difficult to grow these "roses" in a city garden. We are all in pieces, we must earn money, etc. Moreover, we must appreciate the moments when we are together.

WP : What can be done to increase the value of psychological intimacy between people?

Makhovskaya : I would ask young people en masse: "Can you imagine that you will never meet your love?!" I think it would sound like a sentence to them. What about a unique resonant relationship that turns two into one, removes all boundaries, carries fearlessness in itself, does not know the questions "should I give birth to him or not? Should I follow him or not?" - never, never meet you. Do you want to continue to look for quick dividends, to play "short"? And you understand that the price of such a strategy is life. Either you live at least one story for real, or your whole life will be a series of transactions.

With psychological intimacy, relationships become exclusive. You understand that you will never be able to enter into such a state of resonance with anyone as with her (with him)! And it's such a blessing that you don't need any foreplay in conversations. No need to explain where you came from, what you did. You speak without choosing words.

If such a partner is found, no one is looking for a replacement. Why waste efforts on searching when you have already been given this psychological synchronicity.

Instead of feng shui fashion and attempts to harmonize the material world, I would offer everyone the incorruptible: look for your man. And once you find it, cherish it endlessly. It's so rare.

RG : Something to give a hint to those who are looking for...

Makhovskaya : As a psychologist, I would like to write a book of rules for establishing psychological intimacy: sit opposite, drink wine... But the laws of sympathy and psychological intimacy irrational and unknown. And instant. And all-encompassing. And it's almost impossible to explain.

I can say one salutary thing: if THIS happens, it is always MUTUAL.

WP: Are you not too encouraging?

Makhovskaya : No, I specifically say to encourage those who are not sure of this reciprocity to calmness, confidence, freedom, and, if you like, offensiveness. These relationships come from the very core of our personality, our essence. No one can doubt them, and no one can extinguish them.

Elena Yakovleva

blitz interview

I completely fit this profile

American psychologist about "reserve women" in Russia and in the world

Olga Makhovskaya co-authored the book "Reserve Woman" with Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington Eric Shiryaev. We asked him to answer a few questions from RG.

Rossiyskaya Gazeta : Why did the topic of the "reserve woman" touch you?

Erik Shiryaev : It is eternal and daily. As a professor, I mostly deal with the 19-20-year-olds who are just growing up, but in behavior psychology seminars we constantly discuss this issue: the fickleness of men. In America, Russia - there are few differences - almost everyone is interested in this topic. Students bombard my email with essays: "Look Professor, I totally fit this profile - I'm a spare, I just figured it out. ..."

Young people grumble (in English, of course) with a smile: "Doc, you are giving away our male secrets...." But they also write about their observations.

WP : What distinguishes the position of Russian women in the context of this topic? What is their position "relative to men" and what are the features of this position?

Shiryaev : In my opinion, in Russia over the past 10 years there has been a "mass masculinization" of the successful male population of the entire country. Europe has "feminized", America is in the middle. Therefore, in the face of fierce competition, many women do not have much choice (all highly masculine men have already been sorted out) and take the role of "reserve". They do this either with the secret hope of being the first someday, or simply without any pretensions: I accept everything as it is, because others live worse.

RG : What traits of modern Russian women's behavior do you consider the most significant?

Shiryaev : Historians of culture argue whether there are three or nine muses in the world, but according to my strictly scientific data, most of the muses have found their charming habitat in Russian women. Why? The Muses have an inexplicable power to inspire. And if there were Olympic Games according to who will ignite the most inspiration, Russian women would win against both Canadians and Germans combined. The Muses have been and always will be on your side.

Anna Spitsyna

Why does a man need such a family and what is the trap here

Are you attracted to traditional values? Do you want to get married and become a housewife? Take care of a husband, give birth and raise children, create a cozy atmosphere in the house and bake pies? All these are very laudable desires, of course, but no one guarantees you that this will always be the case. It could end very, very badly.

Tags:

Family

Parenting

Family relationships

Expert opinion

Traditions

If we are talking about the traditions of our closest ancestors, then a traditional family is just a family consisting of two adults and minor children. Our parents, grandparents had such families. Actually, we have not gone anywhere from this convenient model either: we have other options, but these are rather exceptions that confirm the rule. We still see the family like this, and that's probably a good thing.

The problem is that this is not a traditional family at all, because the tradition of living in such a composition is too young - only a few generations, there is nothing to talk about. A real traditional family is a patriarchal family. The one in which several generations of relatives lived together, managed the household and raised children together. The one in which a strict hierarchy was observed. The one whose head was a man - a man to whom both women, and children, and old people obeyed. Today we cannot afford to live in such a mini-community, and we do not want to. We think that several generations under one roof is too much. We understand that there is no point in dragging a tradition into the modern world that will ruin our lives: live in a metropolis with mom, dad, grandparents, uncles, aunts and other seventh water on jelly - you will go crazy from what is impossible to be alone. So why do we quite reasonably deny the possibility of living in a traditional family now, but are trying to return the position of “the man is in charge” to the modern family?

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No, you definitely do not want to live like your great-great-great-great-grandmother

A traditional family could not exist without a man, not at all because it is impossible to run a household without brute male power. It is possible, although it is extremely difficult. The point is not that a woman is weaker, the point is that a woman quite recently, in principle, was not considered a full-fledged person. The patriarchal society firmly believed that "a chicken is not a bird, a woman is not a person." A man is a bridge between a woman and a society in which she had no rights. A man is a protection: yes, a husband could beat his wife (and most often did it), but at least she was protected from other men. If a woman did not have a man, she actually had no more rights than an animal. And her daughters, too, by the way. Imagine that at any moment a person from the street can enter your house and rape you - and he will not get anything for it, you are a lonely woman, who needs you? This is what the world looked like in the era of the traditional family. The evolution of a woman in cinema: a housewife, a cutie, a careerist, a superheroine.

Why does a man need a “traditional family”?

What does the world look like now? If you do not go into details, then in general, men and women have equal rights. You have an education, you have a job, you have the right to dispose of your property, and the law protects you. Why do you need a man? To love him and create a family with him, that's right. If you want it. But why should a man be its "head"? Is he more educated? No. Does he have opportunities that a woman does not have? No. Does he earn more? Is not a fact. On what basis does a man strive to get some kind of advantage over you?

We answer: on the simple grounds that he is a lazy and impudent type. On the grounds that he decided to get a free servant in the face of a woman. Surprisingly, many women still believe that the household is their concern. For what reason? Most of the country's population lives in large cities, and the majority of the working day looks exactly the same: public transport, a day in the office at the computer, public transport again. You work the same way, so why on earth should you get up “to the machine” on the second shift? Clean, cook, wash and iron while this torso plays Tanks. And then you have to put yourself in order, because "you are a woman", and in general, you will not be a beauty - he will leave you, despite the borscht. Well done, right?

Why does a woman need a “traditional family”?

Let's see what you get in return: oops, nothing. In fact, you need a man only at the moment when you decide to have a baby. Unfortunately, not every salary allows you to hire a nanny, which means you will live on your husband's money until you return to work. And at this moment he will reproach you, and also demand that you serve him better: “You are sitting at home!” The fact that the child is, in fact, your common project, is not taken into account. Children are women's business. The master is tired, he is not up to it.

If you are indignant now and think: “What nonsense, mine is not like that!” It means that you are very, very lucky. Or does it mean that you are just playing in a traditional family, and the husband is the "head" only in words, but in fact you can send him with things to the exit at any moment, and he knows it. He knows and doesn't look up. He is the same "head" as you are a Spanish pilot.

But many women choose for themselves the role of wife, mother and housewife. They have the right, why not? This is a conscious choice and a conscious risk: even if a man is the most faithful husband in the world, this does not guarantee anything. He may lose his job. He might get sick. People are mortal and, most importantly, suddenly mortal. Being left alone with children in your arms, without work experience, and maybe even without a profession is scary, but if you want to take a chance, why not? This family model implies a very simple division of responsibilities: he earns money, she provides for everything else. This is convenient, especially if the couple plans to have more than one child. But the fact is that children are not an additional labor force and not a guarantee of a well-fed old age. Children today are the highest value for parents. Who said that a man's job is more important than a woman's job? Who said that a man should be in charge on the grounds that he supports everyone? Yes, a woman, of course, must fulfill her duties - if she voluntarily took them upon herself. But why should she become "number two"? None.

Where is the trap?

That is why you should be alerted by the man's reasoning about the traditional values of the family. And before linking your fate with a man who strives for "traditions", think: what is behind this? Well, if he means by this a strong family and kids.