Get over affair
How to Deal with and Get Over an Affair
These steps are the slow and careful way to surviving infidelity, but if you and your spouse work together, you can rebuild your relationship.
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Your marriage can survive an affair. Healing from infidelity is hard, painful work; both of you must be committed to repairing the damage, rebuilding trust, and reconnecting. The unfaithful spouse must be willing to stop the affair, provide all details honestly and completely, and take the steps necessary to prove his or her trustworthiness. (Here are the signs you have a cheating spouse). The betrayed spouse must take the job of healing seriously—by not minimizing or trying to speed up the process and, at times, by setting aside overwhelming anger and despair in order to learn more about what’s happened. Stopping secrecy and building a more honest union are the keys.
wavebreakmedia/ShutterstockIf you both make a commitment to follow these strategies with your whole heart, your marriage has a good chance of surviving infidelity—and emerging stronger on the other side.
1. Promise to stop the affair—and to stop seeing your lover—immediately
Agree to sever all contact. This lifts secrecy and creates a sense of safety for the betrayed spouse. Stopping an affair and surviving infidelity goes beyond no dinner dates or sex. All phone calls, in-person conversations, and quick coffee breaks together must stop. If you work with the person with whom you had an affair, keep your encounters strictly businesslike—and tell your spouse everything that happens. Avoid private lunch dates and closed-door meetings. It’s also important to report any chance meetings with your former lover to your spouse before he or she asks about it. Talk about your conversation. If your former lover contacts you, announce that too. This will help rebuild trust in your relationship.
2. Answer any and all questions
More marriage experts agree that couples heal better after an affair if the adulterous spouse supplies all of the information requested by his or her betrayed partner.
In one study of 1,083 betrayed husbands and wives, those whose spouses were the most honest felt better emotionally and reconciled more completely, reports affairs expert Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs, who developed the international Beyond Affairs Network. “I’ve talked with plenty of people who say with pride that they never talked about the affair,” she says. “That’s not healing. You need to reach the point where you can talk about it without pain. If you never, ever discuss it, you cannot recover. My own husband had 12 affairs over seven years. I’m convinced the main reason I recovered was his willingness to answer all of my questions.” It’s counterintuitive—many spouses (and therapists) think that going over the details will only further upset the aggrieved partner. Truth is, willingness to talk rebuilds trust. The key? Not holding back—no more secrets. If you leave out details that emerge later, your spouse may feel newly betrayed.
Here’s what else you should do if you’re caught cheating.
3. Show your spouse empathy, no matter what
The single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity is how much empathy the unfaithful partner shows when the betrayed spouse gets emotional about the pain caused by the affair, according to infidelity expert Shirley Glass, Ph.D. Use these tips to increase your empathy.
4. Keep talking and listening, no matter how long it takes
Though all couples should improve and strengthen their listening skills, it’s especially important in a situation of infidelity. You can’t speed up your spouse’s healing process, and you shouldn’t ever negate its significance. Be ready to answer questions at any time, even months or years after the affair has ended. And listen to his or her reactions without anger or blame—this is key for surviving infidelity.
5. Take responsibility
Blaming your partner for the affair won’t heal your marriage. Showing sincere regret and remorse will.
Apologize often and vow to never commit adultery again. It may seem obvious to you that you’ll never stray again, but your spouse may have worries, so renew your commitment to your spouse as your one-and-only.
Your partner may be in deep pain or shock. Expect tears, rage, and anger.
wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock9 Steps for the Betrayed SpouseYou want to scream and rail at your partner. You want all the details about the affair. Above all, you want the secrecy to stop. These strategies can help you find what you need to heal, to repair your marriage, and to move forward with your life.
1. Ask lots of questions
At first, you may want all the factual details: How often did you meet? When did you cross the line from friends to lovers? What sexual acts did you share? How many times? Where? How much money did you spend on him or her? Who else knows about your affair? Later, your questions may shift as you think about your partner’s emotions, about the reasons he or she was pushed and pulled into the affair, about whether the affair has turned a spotlight on a hidden weakness in your own marriage.
2. Balance your rage with your need for information
You want to scream, cry, and lash out—but big emotions may prevent your spouse from making the full disclosure that leads to recovery and surviving infidelity. Now, it’s more important than ever that you improve communication with your partner. To get the truth (and form a tighter connection with your spouse), be compassionate about your partner’s emotions. “When you get all the facts, you’re not obsessed anymore,” Vaughan says. “The only way your spouse will be willing to answer is if you can manage not to lash out and attack every time. Spouses who’ve had affairs are afraid to reveal everything because they’re worried it will become a marathon, with a downward spiral of out-of-control emotions.” If one of you becomes upset, it’s time to stop the discussion for now.
nd3000/Shutterstock
3. Set a time limit on affair talk
Restrict yourselves to 15 to 30 minutes. Don’t let the affair take over your lives.
Do ask questions as they arise instead of building up resentment and long lists of questions. “Don’t let your worries go underground. Keep talking,” Vaughan says.
4. Expect curveballs
The spouse who had the affair may become angry or even accuse you of betraying him or her. Keep the focus on the affair itself.
5. Talk about how the affair has affected you
Discuss your doubts, disappointments, feelings of betrayal and abandonment, anger, and sadness about surviving infidelity. As your partner builds a wall between him- or herself and the former lover, help open a window of intimacy between the two of you. Don’t hold back.
6. Don’t forgive quickly or easily
You must grapple with your pain and anger first and rebuild trust. Before you can truly forgive your spouse, find out what science can teach us about forgiveness.
7. Find support
Reconnecting with family and friends, and even finding a support group to join, can help you feel less isolated while you’re in the middle of surviving infidelity.
8. Spend time together without talking about the affair
Connect as friends and romantic partners by doing the things you’ve always enjoyed. Need ideas? Start out with some of these daily habits of couples in healthy relationships.
9. Forgive only when you’re ready
You’ll never forget an affair, but the painful memories will fade with time. Forgiveness allows you to move past the pain and rage and to reconcile with your partner. Take this important step only when you feel ready to let go of your negative feelings, when your partner has been completely honest and has taken steps to rebuild your trust.
Excerpted from 7 Stages of Marriage
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Affair Recovery | How to get over cheating – Dr. Wyatt Fisher
I'm going to talk about the highly sensitive topic of affair recovery. Research shows around 50% of all marriages will experience infidelity on some level over the course of their relationship. In my private practice at least half of all the couples I work with are recovering from infidelity and they want help with "how to get over cheating.
" But before going further, let me define my terms.
What is affair recovery?
Affair recovery is the process of healing a relationship mentally, emotionally, and physically after it has experienced infidelity. Affair recovery usually takes anywhere from six months to two years and is often a painful process yet a possible one for couples who possess humility, compassion, and tenacity.
An affair can be anywhere from an emotional affair all the way to a sexual affair. The emotional affair is when you develop an inappropriately close emotional attachment with someone other than your spouse and that person becomes your best friend, your soul mate. You share everything with them and you start falling in love with them. With an emotional affair, it's usually just a matter of time before it turns sexual unless it's stopped.
Obviously, a sexual affair is when there's sexual contact. Emotional affairs are usually more difficult to recover from instead of one night stands because of the attachment. In an emotional affair, a strong attachment has formed, which can be hard to break. In contrast, a one night stand often involves little to no attachment so is much easier to break.
All forms of affairs are highly traumatic to marriages across the globe. The number one thing that rocks the foundation of security in a relationship is infidelity. No matter what language you speak, no matter what color of your skin, no matter what ethnicity or cultural background, infidelity rocks the foundation of relationships like nothing else. The betrayed partner usually develops symptoms akin to PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, because of the massive pain and loss of control. A lot of the symptoms can include intrusive thoughts, irritability, panic attacks, flashbacks, feeling numb to life, etc. The following steps are designed to help your relationship heal.
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Step One- Cease all contact
The first step is you have to stop all contact with the person you've had the affair with. That may require a variety of things. Depending on your situation, this may include quitting your job, moving to a different neighborhood or state, changing churches, etc. You have to cut out all contact with the affair person because if you don't, the affair will linger. A lot of people are under the misconception that they can stop the affair but still be friends with the person or still see them once in awhile. That is impossible. An affair is an addiction. The feel good chemicals in your brain were low because of things going on in your life and your marriage. Then, this person came around and met your needs and flooded your brain with feel good chemicals, which turned them into an addiction. Just like any type of addiction, whether it's heroin or cocaine or whatever, if you get around it, you're going to fall back into it.
Likewise with affairs. If you've had an affair with somebody, that person has become your addiction so if you come in contact with them on any level, most likely you're going to fall right back into the affair. In addition, each time you have repeated contact with the affair person it will retraumatize your spouse and all healing in your marriage will be lost.
If you're the betrayed partner reading this and your partner won't end all contact with their lover, your first round of offense is to expose the affair to all your family and friends, which creates social pressure for your partner to end it. The intent is not to shame your partner but to have trusted family & friends confront them about their hurtful behavior to snap them back into reality. When you're in an affair, you often don't realize how devastating your behavior is because you're living a fantasy. If that social pressure doesn't make your partner end all contact with their lover, your next move should be separation with zero contact until your partner can prove they have no more contact with their lover.
This is important for two reasons. First, it allows you to establish a boundary so you're not continually emotionally abused by your partner's ongoing contact with their lover. Second, it gives your partner a chance to see what life without you would be like. If after 3-6 months your partner still hasn't ended all contact with their lover then proceed with divorce.
Also, it's important for the wayward partner to take an STD test in case they contracted something during the affair. It's important for the betrayed partner to go with them for the results to hear it firsthand. This should be required even if the wayward partner promises it was only an emotional affair and nothing physical happened. You don't want to take any chances. The only thing worse than recovering from an affair is also getting an STD from your partner because of their affair.
Step Two- Open all accounts
Step number two is you have to share all accounts and your phone with your partner to show you have no more contact with your lover.
This is also recommended for couples where there's been no infidelity to foster trust and transparency. It communicates, I have nothing to hide. You have to voluntarily give your phone over whenever your spouse desires it. You've broken trust. To earn that trust back, you have to open up all accounts. Sometimes it can be tempting to have secret accounts. But if you really want your marriage to recover, there's no point in having any secrets. You have to turn it all over. It will help your betrayed spouse slowly start trusting you again because at this point your word means nothing. You've broken trust, you've lied. What you say doesn't matter. Your actions are what matters. Voluntarily opening up all accounts and sharing your phone with your partner will help them start to heal. They can't start the healing journey until they know you have no more contact with your lover. Practicing openness also helps the wayward partner because affairs thrive in secrecy. Therefore, if there's no opportunity for it to grow in secrecy it will eventually die.
If your partner refuses or is angry about sharing all accounts and their phone to prove they have no more contact with their lover remember the two steps of offense above. Expose the affair to all friends and family to create social pressure and if that's not enough for them to cooperate get a separation until they do. If your partner is angry or resistant about sharing everything with you it's probably because they are trying to stay in touch with their lover and don't want to end it.
One way to think about affairs is the person who steps outside the marriage and has the affair, that's 100% their fault. However, the climate in the marriage that made them susceptible to stepping outside the marriage is usually both partner's fault.
Step Three- Show remorse
Step three is you have to show sincere remorse. If you've had an affair then act indifferent toward the impact it's had on your spouse, recovery is not possible. You have to take ownership for how devastating this has been to your relationship.
Even if you were unhappy, even if your needs weren't being met, you broke your vows to your spouse and betrayed them. Therefore, it's critical to take ownership for how much you have rocked the foundation of your marriage. Heartfelt remorse for having the affair is paramount. If you don't take ownership for the affair and aren't remorseful, it's going to be next to impossible for your partner to forgive you.
Step Four - Process the hurts
Step four is processing through your hurts, which may go both directions. Obviously the betrayed spouse is going to have a lot of hurt they'll need to express. But the wayward partner may also have hurts because perhaps one of the reasons they had the affair is their needs were unmet repeatedly for years despite their frequent complaints. So both of you need a method to get out your hurts. I teach couples a conflict resolution method called the reunite tool, which is a set of guidelines on how to keep conversations safe. When the hurt is not fully vented and released, it will come out in destructive ways through yelling, harsh comments, and contemptuous remarks, which will only make matters worse.
Hurt people hurt people but that just damages the relationship further. So, having some type of method to work through your hurts constructively is key. You may need to work with a relationship coach to effectively do this.
Step Five- Discuss the details
People often wonder how much detail should be shared about an affair. Some betrayed spouses want to know every detail while others only want a summary. Usually the wayward spouse doesn’t want to share any details, so the betrayed spouse keeps asking for them, sometimes for years. Each time the affair gets brought up, it re-traumatizes the relationship. The betrayed spouse should be in charge of how much detail is shared, not the wayward spouse. However, remember the more detail you hear the more devastated you may become. Therefore, consider carefully how much information you need to know and why. Make a list of all the questions you have about the affair for your wayward partner. Some request their wayward spouse to answer the questions while connected to a lie detector test to increase the trustworthiness of their answers.
That's a personal decision up to the betrayed partner. If you're the wayward partner, your job is to work much harder at healing the marriage than your spouse so if they request a lie detector test, do it! However, after the questions, both partners should agree not to bring up the affair any longer, excluding triggers, because each time it's brought up the marriage will suffer.
Step Six- Manage triggers
Part of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is getting triggered. Those who have been in combat will often experience flashbacks of the horrors they went through. Those who have been through natural disasters will often experience flashbacks of the devastation they experienced. Likewise, those who have been betrayed by an affair will often have flashbacks of the pain they suffered. Therefore, learning how to manage triggers is important for all couples who have experienced an affair. When triggered, the betrayed spouse must avoid two extremes. The first is not mentioning the trigger and suffering in silence, which will make you withdrawal emotionally.
The second is becoming verbally aggressive toward your partner, which will lead to conflict. The third and recommended approach is to express each trigger with your tender underbelly. The tender underbelly is the tender feelings underneath your anger, such as sad, hurt, insecure, fearful, etc. For example, a tender underbelly statement when triggered could be “I was watching a movie last night that involved an affair and it triggered me with your affair and brought up all the feelings of sadness, hurt, and fear.” The job of the wayward spouse is to respond with empathy, an apology, and reassurance, such as “I can definitely see how the movie would have triggered your feelings of sadness, hurt, and fear with the affair and I’m so sorry I hurt you, and I promise never to do something like that again.” This type of response to triggers creates healing opportunities for the marriage and if handled in this way triggers will decrease with time. The opposite is also true. If the betrayed partner expresses triggers with anger and the wayward partner responds with defensiveness, triggers will increase with time.
Step Seven- Develop compassion
Step seven is developing compassion toward your partner's hurtful behavior. Working on compassion is step seven because it's only appropriate after the wayward partner has cut off all contact with their lover, opened all accounts, expressed sincere remorse, has listened effectively to your hurts, has cooperated with answering your questions about the affair, and has responded well to your triggers. Only then does it make sense to start working on compassion toward their hurtful behavior. Developing compassion doesn't excuse away their hurtful behavior but it helps explain why it occurred. There are four questions to answer to foster compassion toward your partner's hurtful behavior and it's important to review these four areas whenever your hurt rises. First, what about your partner's upbringing or past may have influenced their affair? For example, many adults raised in a home where they felt inadequate are at higher risk for an affair because an affair makes them feel extremely wanted and important.
Second, what about your partner's circumstances may have influenced their affair? For example, the more stress people are under the less willpower they have to resist tempting situations. Third, what was your pattern of behavior that may have increased their susceptibility to an affair? For example, perhaps you had been avoiding emotional or physical intimacy for an extended period of time. Fourth, what about your past is getting activated by the affair? For example, perhaps you have a history of feeling rejected or abandoned growing up so that's heightening your reaction to the affair. The goal of the questions is to help you understand all the variables that contributed to the affair. If you don't understand all the variables, it's difficult to move forward. Reviewing the answers to the four questions often acts as ointment to the affair wound when it rises by cultivating compassion.
Step Eight- Watch your self-talk
Step eight is reflecting on what you think the affair says about you.
The betrayed spouse will often have negative thoughts, such as, "If I stay in this relationship I'm a fool" or "I'm unlovable or else they wouldn't have cheated." These statements are generalizations and need to be adjusted. The wayward spouse may also have negative thoughts about themselves, such as "I'm a piece of trash for cheating" or "I don't deserve a second chance." How we think determines how we feel and how we behave. Therefore, getting our thoughts straight is paramount. To adjust your negative thoughts start by writing them down so you can look at them more objectively. Next, think of an alternative statement that's more balanced and truthful beside each original thought. For example, if the original thought is "If I stay in this relationship I'm a fool" an adjusted thought could be "If my partner hadn't cut off all contact with their lover, opened all accounts willingly, and expressed sincere remorse, I would be a fool for staying in this relationship. However, they have done those things so my decision to stay in the marriage is warranted.
" Another example, if the original thought is "I'm a piece of trash for cheating" an adjusted thought could be "I made a very poor decision to cheat that was extremely hurtful to my spouse; however, it doesn't mean I'm a piece of trash. I was in a bad place in life and made a terrible decision."
Step Nine- Fill your love buckets
Step nine is discovering the top things you need to fill up your love bucket to feel loved and satisfied and the top things your partner does that drains your love bucket. We all have a love bucket inside of us and we all need certain things to fill it up. Some common fillers include adoration, affection, sex, emotional closeness, thoughtful gestures, etc. Some common drainers include criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt, not sharing power, etc. When you're dating you naturally fill up your partner's love bucket. However, after you're together for awhile most people stop filling their partner's love bucket and start draining it instead.
Before long, the full bucket that made you fall in love with your partner becomes more and more empty until it's dry. Dry buckets increase susceptibility for affairs. Therefore, one of the best ways to affair proof your relationship moving forward is making sure you're both excelling at your partner's fillers they desire while minimizing the drainers they dislike to keep your buckets full. Here's an article to learn more about this model and reversing a loveless marriage.
Step Ten- Develop boundaries
The last step on recovering from an affair is discussing what boundaries you both will follow moving forward to reduce your affair risk. What's that going to look like for your relationship? For example, how should boundaries look when you're traveling away from one another? How should it look if you're going out with your friends for the night without your partner? What boundaries should you have around colleagues? What about at the gym? What should your limits be with alcohol when you're not together? What's not acceptable to discuss with the opposite gender? Working through these questions is vital to develop a unified front against future affairs.
So many couples fall into affairs because they put themselves in risky situations without realizing it. Don't let that happen to you. Discuss what your boundaries as a couple will be to fortify your marriage from affairs moving forward.
As you can see, the road to affair recovery is narrow, but there is a road! Couples who follow these steps faithfully will discover the answers to "how to get over cheating."
Use Coupon Code "Recovery" for 20% Off Our Leading Affair Recovery Program Available Here!
For further reading check out the articles below.
Surviving infidelity
Is my marriage over?
Should I get a divorce?
How to save your marriage
How to fix a broken relationship
Sign up for Dr. Wyatt's FREE resource on the Best Way To Improve Your Communication. Get it here!
Leave a comment below on which step you feel is hardest in affair recovery and why.
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Four ways to stop distractions and get down to business
You pour coffee, turn on your laptop, take a deep breath - it's time to get down to business.
You open a blank note to start sketching out a project plan, but instead of finishing the first draft in an hour or two, you suddenly find yourself scrolling through your social media feed, constantly checking your phone, or just staring at the wall.
If you're actively following the news, getting used to working in a new place, or working from home for the first time, and trying not to be nervous, it can be extremely difficult to concentrate. But when uncertainty reigns around and you should not chase the former level of productivity. Instead, try to understand when during the day it is easier for you to immerse yourself in work and gradually reduce the number of things that distract you.
Here are four ways to stop distractions and start doing your job again.
1. Learn to ignore distractions.
When there is a lot of work to do, it will be more useful if you do it in small segments, alternating periods of concentration with rest. This is supported by research by Joe DeGutis and Mike Esterman of the Boston Attention and Learning Lab.
This approach is at the heart of the Pomodoro Technique: you break up your workday into 25-minute chunks and punctuate them with five-minute breaks. After working for four such periods of time, you take a break of 20 or 30 minutes.
Although the technique is easy to implement, there is still a risk that something will distract you even during a 25-minute block. Stacey Harmon, Evernote Licensed Consultant and Getting Things DoneⓇ (GTD) evangelist, recently hosted a workshop on the Pomodoro Technique, including how to reduce be distracted during each working segment.
Stacey states that the best way to stop being distracted is to understand what is distracting you. These may be internal factors: your own ideas and thoughts. For example, you sat down to work, but suddenly felt the need to check your mail or find something on the Internet. Write down the thought that prevents you from concentrating, and continue working. If you do this regularly, you will stop thinking about extraneous things all the time and will be able to immerse yourself in the current task.
You may also be distracted by external factors: a colleague needs help with a project or a friend sent a message. Since your goal is to complete the work segment, it is worth taking a few seconds off to “eliminate” the hindrance, and then re-focus on work. Stacey recommends saying things like "I'm working on something right now, I'll get back to you in 25 minutes" or "I can't talk right now."
Over time, you will train yourself to work for 25 minutes without distraction.
Hint :
- Break tasks into 25-minute chunks in a dedicated template.
2. Monitor your productivity and plan according to your condition.
Your concentration changes throughout the day and depending on the day of the week. So you sat down and quickly wrote a letter or finished some project, but even the thought of working seems strange and it’s hard to force yourself to do something. It is impossible (and not worth it) to completely eliminate unproductive periods during the day, there is a way to determine what time you work best and use it to the maximum.
Our life is subject to daily biorhythm. It dictates to us when to go to bed, when to wake up, when our bodies experience bursts of energy. Over the course of 24 hours, alternating 90-minute blocks of increased attention and productivity.
To find out when you are most productive, every hour throughout the day note how well you concentrate when you are energized and enthusiastic. Do this at the same time and be sure to record if something has changed in your normal daily routine, for example, you went out for a walk during the day. After a couple of weeks of keeping records, you will begin to notice a pattern. You will be able to tell exactly when the energy is seething, and when it is at zero, and choose the right time for certain tasks.
Set aside time for creative projects or strategic planning when it is easiest for you to concentrate. And when your energy level starts to drop and you notice that you are more distracted, switch to more routine tasks.
Hint:
- Track your level of attention, strength and creative energy with this template.
3. Give free rein to thoughts sometimes.
Many productivity techniques teach you to “not think” and always stay mentally “here and now”. However, it is much more effective, no matter how contradictory it may sound, to give free rein to thoughts - at certain moments.
Paul Seli, a Harvard psychologist, identified two varieties of this condition. According to him, only random thoughts harm productivity, while people who consciously indulge in reflection during routine tasks are much less distracted during the day.
“If the task is simple, then extraneous thoughts are unlikely to affect your efficiency, and at the same time, it will be useful to think about some problem or plan something at that moment,” the BBC article says.
What does this mean? Allow yourself to think about something for 10-15 minutes during the day, but choose your time wisely.
“Let go” of your thoughts while clearing the table after dinner or going for a walk and a cup of coffee. So extraneous thoughts are unlikely to distract you during work or an important meeting.
Tip:
- Take time to think and set a reminder in Evernote.
4. Choose a suitable place to work.
The easiest way to change something in yourself is to change the environment. For example, if you want to sit less, buy a high table. Or, if you want to stop being distracted, work in the right place.
“One way to benefit from how our hippocampus stores memories is to work on different tasks in different places… If you are working on two completely different projects, set aside a different desk or corner of the house for each. The very fact that you are moving to a different place allows the brain to switch and work more productively and creatively, writes Daniel Leavitin in his book Organized Mind. How to Think and Make Decisions in the Age of Information Overload.
For example, if you work from home, it will be easier for you to concentrate on tasks in your office than on the couch where you usually watch TV.
If you don't have an office, home furnishings can transform the space. Let's say you work at the kitchen table. Take the time to make small changes, for example, remove the cups, and instead put something that will remind you of work - notebooks with your work notes, a flower pot with such a flower that you have in your office, a monitor. The main thing is to remove everything after you are done - then these details will be associated only with the work.
Prompt :
- Take a picture of your workplace or make a list of items. So you will spend less time organizing your workplace every day and will be able to get down to business faster.
The result never depends only on the task itself. Of course, how you cope with the work depends on how difficult it is, but it also depends on your mood, work atmosphere and events in your life.
When you're stressed and the world around you is changing at a rapid pace, use whatever can help you stay focused. Try something new every week and note what works and what doesn't. And while you are getting used to the new working conditions, try to find the strength to rejoice every time you get to do something.
Agiotage with a noose around the neck - Vlast - Kommersant
2K 10 min. ...
Noose hype
Recently, in the US state of Oregon, one of the cable channels showed a video that detailed which pills are best to use to commit suicide.
It would seem that a loud scandal is inevitable. But nothing happened. Suicide advertising has long been commonplace in developed countries.
According to the World Health Organization, every 40 seconds a suicide occurs on earth. Almost 800 thousand people a year commit suicide. Those who have not yet committed suicide, but are already thinking about it, are three to four times more. Recent studies conducted in France have shown that one in three French people are ready to commit suicide. It would seem that it is high time for French psychiatry to declare a state of emergency. However, this message went almost unnoticed. As well as the fact that 160 thousand people in France annually try to commit suicide.
A similar situation is observed in all developed countries. But few people know about this. Data on the number of suicides are usually published only in special reference books that are not accessible to everyone. And, for example, the government of Australia, one of the most suicidal countries in the world, does not officially publish such data at all.
The explanation is simple: no country wants to admit that its citizens are mentally unwell.
The first surge of suicides is observed at the age of 15-20. Approximately 20% of all suicides occur at this age. The second - by the age of 45-50. "Midlife crisis" harvests almost twice as much as adolescence. The total number of elderly suicides is not that great. But the suicide rate per 100,000 people over 85 exceeds all conceivable figures - 73.6.
The reasons on which suicide statistics depend in certain countries are not always clear. For example, the socio-economic situation in Russia is deteriorating, and vice versa in China. Nevertheless, these countries are among the first in terms of the number of suicides. And quiet Finland takes fourth place in the suicidal table. At the same time, in Hungary and Finland, suicidal statistics have remained unchanged for more than a hundred years.
In recent years, the so-called vacationer syndrome has appeared in Europe and the United States.
Psychologists explain it by the fact that, once on vacation, people simply do not know what to do, and become a victim of depression, often leading to suicide. Most often this happens to men. Women generally lay hands on themselves three to four times less often. But they are four times more likely to make demonstrative suicide attempts.
According to psychologists, the very way of life of a modern person is already a reason for depression. Since the mid-1960s, developed countries have been experiencing a crisis in family relations. Large families where three generations live in one house are rare. Parents and children now live separately and far from each other. People often find themselves completely alone, and in case of failure there is no one to console them. Therefore, the first advice that is given in crisis centers to potential suicides is this - call someone. In fact, all that a future suicide needs is to know that someone loves him. That is why unmarried and childless men commit suicide twice as often as fathers of families.
However, instead of love and compassion, a suicide is often offered to choose the way of his own death. Societies of supporters of "voluntary dignified death" (like the Hemlock Society in the USA) consider their main task to be "helping those who wish to die with maximum comfort." These societies publish books on how to commit suicide, send "personalized recommendations" to the unfortunate by mail, or post pages on the Internet describing how to commit suicide. And if earlier they presented their activity as exclusively gratuitous, now they are engaged in commerce. The "Final Exit" cassette that was shown on TV in Oregon has recently been sold legally for $20 (rather expensive for the amateur video it is).
The only complaint about this program was that it was shown in the early evening, so that children could also watch it. And they, as you know, can do anything just out of curiosity. Suicide, committed in a sound mind and memory, is no longer regarded by Americans as something terrible.
However, despite an increasingly relaxed attitude towards suicide, their supporters' societies still operate semi-legally. While suicide is not considered a crime, inducing or assisting suicide is punishable in most countries. In addition, most of the active members of such societies have themselves experienced severe psychological trauma and are therefore simply obsessed with death. Like, for example, Dr. Kevorkian, who as a child witnessed the massacres of Armenians by the Turks. Or Hemlock Society founder Derek Humphrey, who became a supporter of "death with dignity" after helping his wife commit suicide.
However, in addition to enthusiasts, helping people commit suicide is more and more willing and in power. And just for those who are ready to lay hands on themselves in their right mind - hopelessly ill old people. After all, an increasing number of people in the world are reaching the age when medicine is powerless to alleviate their suffering. The liberal Netherlands was the first to agree with the possibility of euthanasia.
In 1993, a statutory regulation on euthanasia was adopted there. A doctor can help a terminally ill patient to die, only guided by its provisions. At 19In 1996, a similar law was passed in Australia. In 1997, the law "On voluntary departure from life" was adopted in the US state of Oregon.
However, the states are still shy about it. The overly liberal Oregon law was repealed. And the Dutch and Australian regulations require so many bureaucratic formalities that it is easier for a doctor to refuse a patient with suicidal intent than to fulfill his request.
LEV KADIK
How people commit suicide in different countries (%)
| | USA | Other countries |
|---|---|---|
| Shooting | 60 | 15 |
| hang themselves | 18 | 51 |
| Pickled | 9 | 20 |
| open the veins | 4 | 9 |
| Thrown from a height | 7 | 4 |
| Other methods | 2 | 1 |
How many people commit suicide in different countries (per 100,000 inhabitants)
Hungary 41.
5
Russia 39.3
China 28.1
Finland 25.4
Switzerland 25.4
Austria 24.7
New Zealand 24.6
Australia 24.3
Germany 21.2
France 17.6
Japan 17.8
Canada 12.3
USA 11.3
UK 7.1
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How to commit suicide
On the Internet you can find detailed descriptions of a variety of ways to commit suicide. Here is what the recommendations given on one of these sites look like.
Preparation X
Dosage: 20-30 grams
Reliability: weak
Availability: can be bought at any pharmacy
Time: several days
Not recommended if there is a choice; lethal doses vary widely; can cause severe kidney damage instead of death. Causes tinnitus and intense vomiting 10 hours after ingestion... Medical help is usually effective, so try to stay away from hospitals... If the effect is not achieved in 8-12 hours, take another dose.
..
Preparation Y
Dosage: 20 grams
Availability: can be bought at any pharmacy
Reliability: average
Time: up to two weeks
10-12 hours after ingestion, you are a corpse, but death will occur in one to two weeks. Medical care at this time is useless (you can wait 15 hours to be sure), although it can relieve terrible side effects (including acute toxic hepatitis, acute renal failure, internal bleeding, aspiration pneumonia, hemophilia). Before the poisoning becomes fatal, the side effects are small... Insufficient dose causes irreparable damage to the kidneys.
Preparation Z
Dosage: 28 grams
Time: about half an hour
Accessibility: hard to reach and expensive
Reliability: high
Can be inhaled or drunk with vodka. If such a large dose is inhaled, severe nosebleeds are possible. The cause of death was cardiac arrest approximately two and a half hours later. However, overdose is painful and causes paranoia and difficulty breathing.
..
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How to live on
Along with sites that promote voluntary death, there are pages of other content on the Internet. Here is what a suicidal person can read at www.metanoia.org/suicide/.
I don't know who you are and why you are reading this page... I can assume that you are in trouble and that is why you have decided to commit suicide. If it were possible, I would prefer to talk to you face to face, openly and honestly. But since that's not possible, you'll have to make do with this page.
I knew quite a few people who wanted to commit suicide. So I can imagine how you feel right now... I'm not going to argue with you whether you should commit suicide or not. I can only say that if you intend to do this, then you really are in a very bad place. You are still reading, and it is very good. I would like to ask you to stay with me until the end of this page... The fact that you are still alive indicates that you have doubts.
..
Start with this: "Suicide is not my choice; it happens when the pain exceeds the ability to cope with it."
That's what we're talking about. Just because you think about suicide doesn't mean you're crazy, weak, or emaciated. It doesn't even mean that you really want to die. It only means that you are experiencing pain that is much more severe than what you could cope with ... The ability to endure pain varies from person to person ...
Now I want to tell you five things to think about.
1. First, you need to understand that people cope with the desire to commit suicide, even if they are in the same terrible state that you are now. Statistically, you have a good chance of surviving...
2. Secondly, I want to suggest to you: give yourself some time to think... Put some distance between what you feel and what you do. Even if it's only 24 hours. You have already done this by reading this page for five minutes. You can keep reading it for another five minutes.
..
3. Third, people often want to commit suicide to relieve pain. Remember: relief is a feeling. And to feel it, you need to live. You won't feel the relief you're looking for if you die.
4. Fourth, some people will react negatively to your desire to die. Because they are either scared or angry...
However, there are people who are able to help you in this difficult hour. They will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to the hospital, or persuade you to give up your intentions. They just take care of you. Find one of them. Right now... Asking for help is perfectly normal...
5. And the last thing I want to tell you: thoughts of suicide in themselves lead to mental trauma. After they pass, you need to continue to take care of yourself. Therapy is a great choice...
Now that this page has given you a little relief, the best help you can give yourself is to find someone you can talk to... Fortunately, the first person like that won't be the last. There are quite a few people who are willing to listen to you.
Time to start looking for one of them.
CALL SOMEONE NOW!
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Is suicide a crime?
Father Feofan, Rector of the Church of the Monks Zosima and Savvaty of Solovetsky. The Church does not bury suicides, and they bury them outside the graveyard. We ourselves do not have the right to decide when to stop our life path. God gave us life, and only he decides when this path is over.
Pavel Chukhrai, director. In order to judge or condemn, one must know the essence. And because of what a person decided to stop his earthly path, we will never know. Therefore, no one should be judged. This is their life and their decision.
Vladimir Resin, First Deputy Prime Minister of the Moscow Government. On the one hand, I understand that these are weak people who were broken by fate or some momentary circumstances. But the suicide does not think that someone will blame himself for his death all his life.
Grigory Gorin, writer. Before God - yes, a crime. They say that to decide on such an act, you need strength. But despair is not a variant of strength. This is weak will and distrust of the Almighty, which is expressed by self-deletion from the lists of God's children.
Oleg Vershinin, Deputy Chairman of the Board of Rosevrobank. I can't call them criminals, but I don't think anyone has the right to take their own life. Even if there are a lot of objective reasons for this, there is always at least a small chance that after a while these reasons may not seem so significant.
Adolf Shayevich, Chief Rabbi of Russia. Yes, this is a crime, and therefore they are not buried according to the rite, they are not buried in a common cemetery, but are buried in special places. Memorial prayers are not read for them, they are not given the right to an afterlife. Circumstances are different - when there is an incurable disease, when it is a matter of honor, and as a human being I can understand this.
