Bonding with mom

29 Tips to Improve Your Mother

If you have a broken mother-daughter relationship, empathy, active listening, and working on yourself can help improve the connection.

Share on PinterestIt’s possible to heal a mother-daughter relationship that has drifted apart. (MoMo Productions/Getty Images)

Human connections can be complex, and sometimes things happen that push people apart. Life can strain even the most significant bonds. The mother-daughter relationship is no exception.

Occasionally, differences between a mother and a daughter are irreconcilable. Other times, self-work, patience, and intentional effort may help heal and strengthen a broken mother-daughter relationship and yourself.

As a mom, not connecting with your daughter might be weighing on your heart. However, there are ways to work on your mother-daughter bond and open up spaces so your daughter feels more comfortable getting closer to you.

Be open-minded

Being heard and accepted is one of our greatest needs in relationships, says Kate Fish, licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Graceful Therapy in Oswego, Illinois.

“When your daughter is opening up and sharing, be open-minded and nonjudgmental as much as possible. Ask questions and allow her to educate you about her experience, even if you already know the answer,” Fish says.

Emotional validation is critical to healing your relationship with your daughter.

Back her

As often as you can, take your daughter’s side. This can improve a mother-daughter relationship over time as she learns to trust and rely on you.

“There are plenty of other people out in the world that can play devil’s advocate. What we need more than a naysayer is someone to validate our experience and make us feel supported,” says Fish.

Practice reflective listening

Reflective listening involves paying special attention to the content and feelings your daughter is expressing when she talks. It’s about being emotionally available and letting the other person know they are understood.

“Show her that you’re listening and attuned by reflecting back what she is saying as she speaks,” says Fish.

Let her teach you

While the role of a mother can be about guiding and teaching, as your daughter becomes an adult, it’s important to allow her to also share knowledge with you, Fish says.

“Be open to learning new things from your daughter as a way of reminding her that you are in a two-way relationship and not just there to form her,” she says.

Give her space

Connecting also requires disconnection.

If you don’t ever spend time apart, Fish says, you may become unable to appreciate time together.

Depending on your relationship, taking a few days or weeks off from seeing or talking with each other can help make the time you reconnect even better.

Did you know?

According to a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience, mothers and daughters share a similarity in the brain that might influence how they handle their relationship.

The part of the brain (corticolimbic circuitry) that regulates emotion is more similar between mothers and daughters than it is between mothers and sons, fathers and daughters, or fathers and sons.

This may imply that moms can relate to their daughters more, and at the same time, it may explain why moms and daughters might challenge each other more.

Your mom may be part of your identity, whether you have remained close or distant during your life. If you’ve decided to heal your mother-daughter relationship, consider a few ways to open the doors to reconnecting.

Appreciate the role she’s played

Acknowledge and appreciate your mom’s role in your life and how she has helped you along the way.

This includes essential things like providing food and shelter to lessons she taught you.

Your mom may want to hear about all these things you cherish.

Show her gratitude

Fish suggests practicing and expressing gratitude for the traditions and values you have learned from your mother.

You can show gratitude by telling your mom verbally, by writing her a note, or giving her a gift.

Let your mom continue to influence you

Showing your mom that you still appreciate her input and knowledge about circumstances and situations you encounter can help her feel needed in your life.

For instance, turning to her for advice on a career choice, living situation, relationship, or parenting your own children can make her feel valued.

Let her be part of your family

While it can be hard for your mom to see you focus on your own family, allowing her to be part of your children’s lives can help bring you closer.

This may go beyond inviting her to hang around. You could also include her in family decisions, vacations, and important celebrations.

Dedicate time to continue traditions with your mom

While life as an adult can be busy, scheduling quality time to be with your mom may be an important step to getting closer.

Inexpensive options to consider might include having her over for dinner, organizing a picnic, going on a walk together, or helping her run errands.

Let go of shame

Learning to let go of the shame that comes with having complex challenges within relationships can help you heal, says Gina Moffa, a psychotherapist based in New York City.

“Society bombards us with commercials and movies that show mothers and daughters as best friends, which can lead to shame and confusion for those struggling with the desire for closeness versus the reality of sharp edges within the relationship,” she says.

Only you know the particular situations in your relationship. What you’ve experienced and felt is valid. If you want to heal yourself and your relationship with your daughter, it may be a good idea to focus on what’s to come instead of what’s in the past.

Break tradition

Some women may carry down generations of modeling that keeps them in traditions of not communicating their own needs or not acknowledging what those needs are. Moffa says understanding your own needs, fears, traumas, and unspoken desires can help create healthy patterns and dialogue.

“We have to be careful not to communicate in projection, as this is a way of missing the mark and only closing the possibility of deeper connection,” says Moffa.

Remember you were your daughter’s age once

To let your daughter in when interactions happen, Fish suggests putting yourself in your daughter’s shoes at her age.

“Remember that your daughter, much like you at her age, needs to learn to be her own person by experiencing and developing her own relationships. It’s not an expression of what you did wrong, but a sign that you’ve done something right if your daughter ‘leaves the nest,’” she says.

Know you are good enough

If you grew up with a dismissive mother or are hurt by past relationship experiences, Moffa says trying to understand the origin of the pain can help in not projecting it onto your mom.

She explains that most daughters may be balancing two things: how to be close to their mothers and how to be independent of them.

If a mother doesn’t behave in a loving and warm way or behaves dismissively or critically, a daughter may look for ways to connect while never feeling good enough.

“In this case, it’s vital for the daughter to be validated in some way in order to feel worthy enough for healthy connections in her life,” Moffa says.

Primary bonds impact adult attachment styles. It may be helpful to remember you’re not defined by your relationships — not even the one with your mother.

Empathize with your mom’s needs

Consider giving your mother grace and acknowledging that even moms have their own needs and limitations.

Your mom may have her own hurtful experiences that she is healing from, says Fish.

It may be a good idea to remember everyone’s doing the best they can with the resources at hand.

Avoid blame

You may feel inclined to sometimes blame your mom for strains in your mother-daughter relationship. Other times, you may point fingers at yourself. But learning to understand and communicate each other’s needs in a way that does not blame either of you can lead to a more honest connection.

“And therefore, the possibility of those needs being met or a connection to be created or strengthened,” says Moffa.

If either one of you has taken the first step to reconnect, these activities may help ease tension during those first times together.

Recreate a favorite memory or tradition together, such as having afternoon tea, making a family recipe, or doing each other’s hair.
Share a desire and a need each of you has for your relationship and take turns without interrupting or judging the answer of the other.
Take a few minutes to talk about or write down a few things you both have in common and build on that. For example, if you both like crafting, you could create a quilt together or if you enjoy sports, you may want to go to a game together.
Create a scenario where you have to be on a team together and get to use skills in a “you and me against the world, not each other” kind of way. This could be a board game against other family members or something more elaborate like an escape room.
Volunteer together at a local shelter or organization you both are passionate about.

The following questions can help you understand each other deeper. You could save an afternoon together where you sit down in a park or at home and initiate conversation.

What was the most important moment in your life?
What fears did you have in childhood that you have carried with you?
What has it been like being my mother/daughter so far?
What are some things you really appreciate about me?
What do you think is the most important thing for me to know as you?
What do you most wish for in this relationship?
What do you most fear about this relationship?
If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?

“These sorts of open questions allow for each to be human, honest, and real with one another. The rules have to be set that there is no negative feedback welcome in this activity, as it is a time for each to be open with the other,” says Moffa.

It may be time to seek professional help if it is too hard to have a conversation without escalating or shutting down, says Fish.

Moffa notes that therapy can help heal a mother-daughter relationship if trauma, loss, or abuse occurred in the family or if mothers or daughters live with mental health conditions.

“No matter the reason, it’s time to seek help if both the mother and daughter wish to be connected but simply have too much trouble finding solid ground in their relationship,” Moffa says.

If you decide to take this step to heal your broken mother-daughter relationship, these resources may help:

American Psychiatric Association’s Find a Psychiatrist tool
American Psychological Association’s Find a Psychologist tool
Asian Mental Health Collective’s therapist directory

Association of Black Psychologists’ Find a Psychologist tool
National Alliance on Mental Illness Helplines and Support Tools
National Institute of Mental Health’s Helpline Directory
National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network
Inclusive Therapists

How to improve your mother-daughter relationship depends on the specific challenges you face. In any case, there are ways to strengthen your bond on your own or with professional help. Empathy, patience, listening without judging, and spending alone time can help.

When and How It Happens

Written by Stephanie Watson

Bonding refers to the special attachment that forms between a mother and father and their new baby. That bond is what sends parents rushing into their newborn's room in the middle of the night at the slightest whimper. It's also what makes parents want to instinctively care for and nurture their child.

Sometimes, the bond is immediate -- parents fall in love the instant they set eyes on their little "bundle of joy." Other times, bonding with the baby takes longer. Studies have found that about 20% of new moms and dads feel no real emotional attachment to their newborn in the hours after delivery. Sometimes, it takes weeks or even months to feel that attachment. If you haven't begun bonding with your baby, don't feel anxious or guilty -- it should come with time.

Why Do Parents Bond With Their Baby?

Bonding is an important human instinct that gives babies a sense of security and self-esteem. Bonding also helps parents feel connected to their newest family member. It begins to happen even before the baby is born -- when you feel the first little flutters in your belly or see your baby kick on the ultrasound screen. Your baby also starts getting to know you in the womb through the sound of your voice.

How Does Parent-Baby Bonding Happen?

Bonding happens in many ways. When you look at your newborn, touch their skin, feed them, and care for them, you're bonding. Rocking your baby to sleep or stroking their back can establish your new relationship and make them feel more comfortable. When you gaze at your newborn, they will look back at you. In mothers who are breastfeeding, baby's cries will stimulate the let-down of milk.

Why Am I Not Bonding With My Baby?

Although bonding can be immediate for some people, others stare at the tiny, bawling creature they have just brought home from the hospital and wonder, "Who is this person?" Don't feel guilty if you aren't bonding with your baby right from the start. Remember that the process sometimes takes time. As you care for your new baby, you may find that your attachment grows. It may not be until the first time your baby shoots you a toothless grin that you suddenly realize you have bonded.

Bonding can be especially difficult if you had a C-section or couldn't see your baby right after the birth. It can also be difficult if your baby was premature and had to spend time in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), or if you adopted the child. It may take longer to bond in these instances, but it eventually should happen.

Some mothers develop postpartum depression, which prevents them from completely bonding with their baby. The pain and exhaustion from childbirth -- especially from a difficult delivery -- can also get in the way of the bonding process.

Sometimes, a mother's or father's situation can affect their relationship with the new baby. Any of the following can interfere with your efforts at bonding:

A childhood that lacked a positive parental role model
A history of depression or mental illness
A past pregnancy loss or loss of a child
Lack of a social network
Life stresses such as a difficult job, unemployment, or other financial troubles
Marital problems or abuse

Are There Tips for Bonding With My Baby?

Here are some suggestions that will make it easier to bond with your baby:

Ask to room-in with your baby at the hospital. Sleeping in the same room will give you more time to get to know one another.
If your baby is premature, ask the hospital staff if you can touch and hold them. Just talking to your baby can help the two of you bond. Visit the NICU often to see your baby.
Once you get home, spend as much time as possible with your baby by wearing them in a sling or carrier, rocking them on your lap, or singing them a song. Your voice and touch can be very comforting.
Try giving your baby a gentle massage. Research has found that massage can not only improve the relationship between parent and baby, but it also can relieve stress in premature infants and ease postpartum depression in the mother. To learn how to massage your baby the right way, get a video, read a book, or take a class at a local hospital.
Try making skin-to-skin contact with your newborn. This practice, called "kangaroo care," is often used in premature babies, but studies are finding that it's also calming to babies born full-term. It not only helps with bonding, but it also can improve your baby's ability to breastfeed.

Dads sometimes have more difficulty bonding with their new baby, especially because they miss out on the direct contact of breastfeeding. Here are some ways to enhance the father-baby bonding experience:

Try to begin bonding with your baby before they are born. Put your hand on your partner's belly to feel the baby kick, go with them to the doctor for prenatal visits, and start thinking about the kind of father you want to be.
Be in the delivery room during the baby's birth and take part in the delivery as much as possible.
Help out with the baby's care: take over a few late-night feedings, give the baby a bath, change diapers, or sing the baby to sleep.
Walk with the baby in a carrier close to your body.

If a few months have passed and you're worried that you still haven't bonded with your baby, talk to your pediatrician. They can determine whether a psychological or health issue may be the cause of the problem.

Mother-child connection | Nutrilak

Kozhanov Artem

Published: 01/15/2023

Reading time:

495

Importance of physical contact with the newborn

Even during pregnancy, an absolutely amazing bond develops between mother and baby, which only becomes stronger after birth. Already in the womb, babies react to the feelings of a woman, her emotional state, fatigue, illness. Mom feels almost every movement of the baby, understands when he is tired, when he is resting, and when he is awake. This bond is getting stronger every day. When a newly born baby is placed on the mother's chest in the delivery room, a real miracle happens.

In recent years, early skin-to-skin contact has been widely practiced in our country. Initially, this approach was used to increase the chances of successful breastfeeding. In the course of the experiments, it was found that mothers who had their newborn babies placed on their breasts immediately after childbirth produced more of the hormone oxytocin, which is considered to be the hormone of happiness and affection. In parallel, the production of the hormone prolactin, which promotes lactation, increased.

All these events taking place at the biochemical level are associated with the strongest emotions from acquaintance, from the touch of your baby! After nine months of gestation, the mother finally meets her child, can touch him, stroke him, kiss him. It is at this moment that the attachment that appeared during pregnancy becomes even more obvious.

The importance of the emotional bond between mother and child

Many factors contribute to strengthening the bond between mother and child after birth.

A baby gets to know the world through touch. Gentle strokes or light tickling evoke pleasant emotions and the first smile in the baby. Every centimeter of skin is literally strewn with different types of receptors that transmit signals to the brain. Regular exposure to receptors gives rise to the simplest neural connections.

Carrying on hands gives the baby a sense of security. Gently pressing the child to you, somewhat limiting his movements, you are able to remind the baby of the conditions in which he was all nine months. Also, don't be afraid to "teach the baby": when you respond to the call of the child and take him to you, you are not doing anything wrong. You only show the baby that you can be trusted, and in case of trouble, you will be there.
Communication with the child, looks, smiles. You just think that a newborn baby does not understand anything. At a minimum, even in the prenatal period, the child remembers voices, intonations, and later distinguishes “his own” (mother, father, grandmothers, etc.) “strangers” even by sound. It is your rich facial expressions in relation to the child that help the development of his emotional intelligence, introduces him to a huge palette of feelings, teaches him to respond to various circumstances correctly.

At the age of 2-3 months, children develop the so-called "revival complex" - this is nothing more than a bright positive emotional reaction to contact with the child, to a smile addressed to him, to affectionate words. "Revitalization Complex" demonstrates the level of neuropsychic development of the baby.

Influence of mother's emotions on the child was a source of security; it was her voice that he heard in the womb; it was her hands that stroked him first; it is the mother who helps to satisfy hunger and other physiological needs.

It is thanks to the mother that the baby learns to trust this world, to open up to it, to hope for help. And all this happens only thanks to a completely unique, invisible, subtle connection that can only exist between a mother and a child.

A huge amount of research is devoted to the influence of the mother's emotional background on the developing fetus. The release of a large number of stress hormones (cortisol, norepinephrine) significantly slows down the maturation of the central nervous system in utero. However, scientists also do not advise women to refuse to experience any negative feelings. It is thanks to the mother that even in the womb the child begins to get acquainted with a huge palette of emotions and experiences, this is a direct acquaintance with the world.

However, even if we move away from the biochemical processes that take place in the body of a young mother and child, it is foolish to deny that, in general, a favorable emotional background for a mother in many respects helps the child to grow and develop correctly. It was the mothers who had the good fortune to be the most important person in the life of a newly born baby. But at the same time, it is on their shoulders that there is a huge responsibility, burden, worries for their child. In our society, after all, more often than not, it is mothers who get up at night to wake up a baby, it is they who cuddle the crumbs to themselves when that tummy hurts or teeth are cut.

It so happened that women have more troubles and worries. In this regard, the level of anxiety and stress in young mothers is higher than in men. They do not always manage to maintain lightness and a positive attitude, although this is extremely important for both the child and the relationship between parents. The importance of the psychological state of the mother lies in the fact that young children are able to reflect what surrounds them. Now more and more people are talking about such a phenomenon as mirror neurons - that is, the activation of feelings and emotions when observing others. And since it is the mother who is the closest person to the baby, the child unconsciously not only imitates the mother, but also experiences the same feelings that a woman feels.

This phenomenon is still not fully understood, but it can explain many things. Based on this, it is obvious that the mother's emotions directly affect the condition of her child. It is extremely important that a woman be calm and harmonious. Being in such a light, resourceful state, a mother is able to help her baby grow up healthy and happy, loving this world and people.

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Kozhanov Artem

Psychiatrist

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Contents of the article

The importance of skin contact with the newborn
The influence of mother's emotions on the child

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10 Signs of Too Close Relationship with Mother

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Older Generation A Man among People

“Most children at a young age are very dependent on their mother. Subsequently, it can be difficult to break this connection. This is necessary for further emotional development. Mothers need to help growing children gain independence, children to be able to overcome addictions and learn how to pave the way in this world,” says American psychotherapist Tina Tessina.

Several psychotherapists have described typical signs of personal boundary violations between a mother and her adult son or daughter. In the examples described below, most often the mother demands constant attention and controls every step of the child, who, in turn, is overly dependent and inclined to please everyone, but the opposite is also possible.

1. Mother demands obviously excessive attention and time

Are you in the habit of dropping everything when your mother calls, even if you have already talked today? Do you regularly cancel meetings and joint events with friends, colleagues, husband / wife simply because she wants to see you? It is very likely that you are in an unhealthy situation. Of course, sometimes it is important to put the mother first, but not to the detriment of everything else in life.

“A parent or adult child can call each other all the time and expect them to spend most of their free time together. These demands are often complied with out of guilt or familial duty,” explains clinical psychologist Gina DeLucca.

You can't control your mother's emotions

You may feel that you are doing the right thing by following your mother's demands, but in the end this can damage your relationship.

“If the attention is most often directed to the mother, it prevents you from developing other aspects of life, which can lead to resentment, dissatisfaction and other negative feelings towards the mother,” says psychotherapist Amanda Stemen.

2. You feel responsible for her emotional well-being

If the mother makes it clear to you that you are responsible for her emotional well-being, it is likely that personal boundaries have been violated in the relationship. You cannot control her emotions, only she can do it herself.

“Some parents shift the responsibility for their emotions onto their children. They may say: “I feel bad about what you did”, “I feel sad when you don’t call for a long time”, “I wouldn’t be angry if you didn’t do this”. This begins when the child is still very young, but often, growing up, he continues to feel the obligation to maintain parental happiness and peace, ”says Stemen.

This unhealthy thought pattern can carry over to other relationships. “In adulthood, the child of such a mother often finds it difficult to maintain relationships with others, often he or she finds herself in a co-dependent relationship, as with her mother,” Stemen adds.

3. You lie so as not to upset her

High school students sometimes have to lie to their mother about how they spend their free time in order to avoid unnecessary problems. But as an adult, you shouldn't feel the need to lie to your mother so as not to upset her. If she doesn't like what you're doing, well, so be it.

“An adult is responsible for his own decisions, actions and their consequences. You no longer need approval or disapproval to learn to distinguish good from bad,” says family therapist Aaron Anderson.

If you find yourself continuing to deceive your mother for the same reasons you used to, you may both be stuck in your old roles of parent and child. Honesty will help take relationships to the next level.

Physically and mentally fit adults should do their own laundry

“Tell her directly and honestly what is going on in your life, what you are doing and why. So you can build a relationship between two adults, ”advises Anderson.

4. You are financially dependent on her

You may be an adult who is temporarily unemployed or having financial difficulties. You had to ask your mother (or father) to help financially until you get back on your feet. There is nothing wrong with this. But still, if you are able to work, your mother should not support you.

“If you are financially dependent, it means that she knows everything about your finances: how much you spend and on what, how much you spend on rent and other expenses. It turns out that she has the last word in all matters related to money. It does not allow you to become a fully grown and independent person, says Aaron Anderson. “There is nothing wrong with accepting gifts and even financial assistance in a difficult situation, but in other cases you should absolutely not ask your parents for money.”

5. You let your mother do your responsibilities

Physically and mentally fit adults should do their own laundry, clean the house, make doctor's appointments, and arrange travel and business trips. Perhaps the mother wants to do all this for you, trying to help, but by allowing her to do this, you interfere with your own growth and development.

“Such help may seem like just caring for your own child, but in this way the mother prevents an adult person from learning to live completely independently,” says Delucca.

6. The mother wants to be involved in any decision-making

If you find that you are unable to solve everyday problems on your own without consulting your mother, this is a bad sign. You must be confident in making your own decisions. You can ask her opinion if you want, but you shouldn't feel compelled to do so.

Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust

“It's perfectly okay to share with your mother some details of life and important decisions that you have to make - if you yourself want it. But if you feel an obligation, believing that she will be offended if you don’t tell, this is a sign of problems, ”says Tina Tessina.

If you don't heed her advice, she may try to tap into your guilt.

“When a child does not do what the mother would like or demonstrates opinions and beliefs that are unpleasant to her, she may become angry, start to shame and criticize him, or even withdraw completely. This can lead to the fact that he never learns to insist on his own, does not gain confidence, will be embarrassed to express thoughts and feelings, ”says family therapist Tara Griffith.

7. Mother does not respect your privacy, reads text messages

Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust. When a mother feels the need to spy on you, such as reading your correspondence, this is a warning sign.

“If a mother reads your letters, follows you on social networks and then reprimands you because of what she saw, or comes to visit without warning, constantly demands that you devote time and attention to her, taking offense when she receives a refusal, this is a classic an example of violation of personal boundaries,” says Tina Tessina.

8. Sometimes you feel like you are in competition with your mother

In a healthy relationship, the mother is always proud of the children's skills, their virtues, successes and achievements, and does not envy them. If there is a feeling of competition, it is important to understand the reasons.

“It can be about envy or competition — in terms of fighting for the attention of others (including the father), comparing appearance, successes and achievements. In such a situation, the son or daughter seems to receive a signal to moderate their ambitions, to be more modest and inconspicuous so as not to overshadow the mother. Because of this, they may develop a tendency to excessive self-criticism or a sense of their own inferiority, ”says family therapist Lindsey Seeley.

9. Mother indulges inappropriate or irresponsible behavior of the child

Perhaps the mother is trying to solve your problems due to risky behavior or unhealthy habits, trying to protect you from the consequences of your own mistakes. In doing so, it does more harm than good, allowing you to continue to behave inappropriately.

Certain information should not be shared

“This can be caused by feelings of guilt towards the child or a desire to maintain power over him at a time when he begins to gain independence. For example, a mother may call her son's work and say that he is ill, when in fact he did not go to the office due to a hangover after a stormy party yesterday, ”says Tara Griffith.

10. Mother shares too personal information

Do you often think: “I don't need to know!” when she tells the details of a stormy intimate life? Or, on the contrary, does she want to know in detail about your personal life? Openness and honesty in communicating with parents is great, but you don’t need to know any information about each other.

“A close relationship with your mother that allows you to openly discuss almost any topic is normal and even good, but it's still worth thinking about boundaries. Perhaps certain information should not be shared,” says Gina DeLucca.

Text: Nikolai Protsenko Photo source: Getty Images

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