Avoiding toxic people

How to Deal With Toxic People: 17 Tips

We all know that person — the one who leaves you feeling worse off after interacting with them. Maybe it’s a manipulative family member or a co-worker who can’t stop complaining about every little thing.

It’s common to refer to these people as being toxic. But it’s important to keep in mind that this term isn’t grounded in psychology and doesn’t have a simple definition.

If you have a hard time dealing with someone in your life, it’s helpful to start by pinpointing problematic behaviors, rather than simply labeling them as being toxic.

Barrie Sueskind, a therapist in Los Angeles who specializes in relationships, shares some key signs of toxicity:

self-absorption or self-centeredness
manipulation and other emotional abuse

dishonesty and deceit
difficulty offering compassion to others
a tendency to create drama or conflict

Sound like familiar? Read on for tips on how to respond to this type of behavior.

Some people have a tendency to see themselves as the victim in every situation. If they mess up, they might shift the blame to someone else or tell a story that paints them in a more positive light.

You might feel tempted to nod and smile in order to prevent an angry outburst. This might feel like the safest option, but it can also encourage them to see you as a supporter.

Try respectful disagreement instead. You might say, “I had a different take on the situation,” and describe what really happened. Stick to the facts, without making accusations.

While your disagreement might upset them, it might also lower the chances they’ll try involving you again.

Dealing with someone’s toxic behavior can be exhausting. The person might constantly complain about others, always have a new story about unfair treatment, or even accuse you of wronging them or not caring about their needs.

Resist the urge to jump on the complaining train with them or defend yourself against accusations. Instead, respond with a simple, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and leave it at that.

Sometimes simply becoming more aware of how someone’s toxic behavior affects you can help you better navigate interactions with them.

Most people occasionally say rude or hurtful things they don’t mean. No one feels their best all the time, and being in a bad mood can make you lash out. This isn’t necessarily toxic.

But ask yourself if put-downs, lies, or other types of emotional and verbal abuse characterize most of your interactions. Do they apologize or seem to notice how what they say or do affects you?

Personal struggles don’t excuse abuse, and you don’t have to accept it, either.

Someone who gossips, manipulates others, or creates dramatic situations night not realize how their behavior affects you or anyone else. An open conversation may help them realize this behavior is unacceptable.

To keep things neutral, try to stick to “I statements,” which feel less accusatory for the other person, and set boundaries that work for you.

Here are some examples of this in action:

“I feel uncomfortable when I hear unkind things about our co-workers. I won’t participate in those conversations.”
“I value trust in friendship, so I can’t continue this friendship if you lie to me again.

On the flip side, behavior doesn’t have to be abuse or spiteful to be toxic. Other behaviors can be just as damaging.

Maybe the person in question “desperately needs” your help to get them out of a bind — every time you see them. Or, Sueskind says, “you’re always giving and they’re always taking, or you feel like their emotional stability depends on you.”

You might value your relationship with this person, but don’t offer support at the risk of your own well-being.

“Healthy relationships involve give and take,” Sueskind explains. In other words, you offer support, but you receive support, too.

Taking care of yourself involves making sure you have enough emotional energy to meet your own needs. This may not happen when you’re giving everything to someone who doesn’t offer anything in return.

People can change, but they have to be willing to put in the work to do so.

You might want to help someone you care about instead of writing them completely out of your life. But, while you can always offer compassion and kindness, you likely won’t be able to change them.

At the end of the day, they have to commit to putting in the effort. Trying to help someone change before they’re ready can sap your emotional resources further.

Have a hard time turning people down? You aren’t alone.

Sticking to a refusal can also be tough, especially when someone tries to guilt trip you into changing your mind.

But if you do decide to say, “No,” don’t back down. This may prove challenging, especially when they use a dramatic outburst to try to get their way. But the more you practice saying “no” to things you aren’t comfortable with, the easier it becomes.

Removing yourself from the situation can help you avoid scenes. If you can’t physically leave, make it clear you’re no longer involved in the discussion. Say “excuse me” and turn away, for example.

Toxic behavior can make you feel like you did something wrong, even when you know you didn’t.

It’s tough to face attacks from someone who behaves in a toxic manner. They might get personal, try to twist your words, or accuse you of wanting to hurt them. At some point, you might even second guess yourself and rack your brain for something you might’ve done.

But remind yourself their behavior has nothing to do with you. Restate your boundaries and try not to take their spite personally. Take deep breaths to calm yourself or mindfully acknowledge their words so you can let them go without being affected.

People who act in a toxic way “can often sense who they can manipulate,” Sueskind says. “They may move on when they see their tactics don’t work on you. ”

If you’re never available, they might eventually stop trying to engage. This strategy can be particularly helpful at work, where you’re bound to have plenty of honest excuses, like:

“Sorry, I have too much work to chat.”
“Got to prep for that meeting, so I can’t talk!”

You might face some passive-aggressive remarks or outright accusations when you make your excuses. Try not to respond, even if you feel upset. Remember: It’s not about you.

Do you dread seeing a particular person? Feel anxious or stressed beforehand? Take these feelings as a sign you may want to see them less.

People who behave toxically tend to focus on themselves and what they want. They might blame you or other people for any problems they have and show little interest in your feelings or needs. This can make spending time with them unpleasant.

If you’re dealing with someone who picks fights with your or repeatedly pushes your boundaries, consider scaling back the amount of time you spend with them.

If you can’t completely avoid or scale back the amount of time you spend with someone, you still have options.

Set boundaries

“Boundaries are essential,” Sueskind says.

Setting boundaries involves deciding what you will and won’t tolerate. Communicate these boundaries clearly and stick to them.

Maybe you don’t mind listening to your co-worker’s dramatic stories, even the obviously fictional ones. But you draw your line at verbal abuse or gossip.

So when they start mocking another co-worker, say, “like I said, I’m not interested in this type of conversation.” Leave the room if you can or try putting on headphones.

Have an exit strategy

If you’re stuck in a toxic conversation and don’t see an easy way out, you might worry that leaving seems rude, especially if you’re talking to a supervisor.

But it’s entirely possible to leave politely. If it helps, consider coming up with a few go-to lines ahead of time that you can pull out as needed.

Try something like, “I’m sorry, but I have to stop you. I’ve got a lot of work, so I can’t chat right now” or, “Sorry, I’m waiting on an important phone call and can’t get into this right now.”

Change your routine

Does a family member always catch you when you’re studying or hold you up on your way to work? Maybe a co-worker always complains at lunch about how horribly everyone treats them.

Ideally, they’d respect the boundaries you set, but this doesn’t always happen. While it may not seem fair that you’re the one who has to change, it’s often worth it for your own well-being

Switching up your routine can help you avoid getting pulled in to conversations you’d rather skip. Try eating lunch somewhere besides the break room, wearing headphones, or reading a book.

Avoiding family members can be harder. Try having a respectful but firm conversation about needing to focus on your studies. If you’re on the way out the door, practice your quick exit strategy: “Sorry, I’m late!”

Encourage them to get help

It’s often difficult to understand why people behave in toxic ways. But it might help to consider that they might be dealing with some personal challenges that are causing them to lash out. This doesn’t excuse problematic behavior, but it can help explain it.

If you have a close relationship with someone who behaves in a toxic way, consider pointing out some harmful behaviors and explaining how they affect others (if you feel comfortable doing so). If they seem receptive, encourage them to talk to a therapist about why they act the way they do.

“Psychotherapy can help people identify problematic behaviors and learn to manage their emotions and reactions in healthier ways,” Sueskind says.

Don’t get personal

Sueskind recommends keeping interactions with the other person superficial. “Be clear about how you are and aren’t willing to engage,” she suggests.

Toxic behavior can involve gossiping, oversharing personal details, or using personal information to provoke reactions.

If you know someone who does these things, keep your conversations light and insignificant. Shut down attempts at prying or oversharing with, “Actually, I prefer not to talk about my relationship at work.”

Maintain calm

You might wonder how it’s possible to stay calm around the other person when just thinking about crossing paths makes your heart pound.

Stay grounded

Next time you feel anxious in an interaction, try grounding yourself with these tips:

Breathe slowly and deeply.
Try relaxing your muscles instead of tensing them.
Let the words wash over you and silently repeat a calming mantra.
Distract yourself if the situation allows. Doodle, fidget with an object, or close your eyes and visualize your favorite place.

Work with a therapist

If you have to stay involved with the person, consider getting help from a mental health professional. Therapists are trained to help people work through difficult situations like these and can offer compassionate, judgment-free support that fits your circumstances.

Sometimes, cutting people out of your life may seem like the only way to escape their toxic behavior. But this isn’t always feasible.

If you have to spend time with someone who exhibits toxic behavior, remind yourself their actions aren’t your fault nor your responsibility. It’s important they know what you’re not willing to tolerate.

Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.

How to Deal With Toxic People: 17 Tips

It’s common to refer to these people as being toxic. But it’s important to keep in mind that this term isn’t grounded in psychology and doesn’t have a simple definition.

If you have a hard time dealing with someone in your life, it’s helpful to start by pinpointing problematic behaviors, rather than simply labeling them as being toxic.

Barrie Sueskind, a therapist in Los Angeles who specializes in relationships, shares some key signs of toxicity:

self-absorption or self-centeredness
manipulation and other emotional abuse
dishonesty and deceit
difficulty offering compassion to others
a tendency to create drama or conflict

Sound like familiar? Read on for tips on how to respond to this type of behavior.

Some people have a tendency to see themselves as the victim in every situation. If they mess up, they might shift the blame to someone else or tell a story that paints them in a more positive light.

You might feel tempted to nod and smile in order to prevent an angry outburst. This might feel like the safest option, but it can also encourage them to see you as a supporter.

Try respectful disagreement instead. You might say, “I had a different take on the situation,” and describe what really happened. Stick to the facts, without making accusations.

While your disagreement might upset them, it might also lower the chances they’ll try involving you again.

Resist the urge to jump on the complaining train with them or defend yourself against accusations. Instead, respond with a simple, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and leave it at that.

Sometimes simply becoming more aware of how someone’s toxic behavior affects you can help you better navigate interactions with them.

Most people occasionally say rude or hurtful things they don’t mean. No one feels their best all the time, and being in a bad mood can make you lash out. This isn’t necessarily toxic.

But ask yourself if put-downs, lies, or other types of emotional and verbal abuse characterize most of your interactions. Do they apologize or seem to notice how what they say or do affects you?

Personal struggles don’t excuse abuse, and you don’t have to accept it, either.

To keep things neutral, try to stick to “I statements,” which feel less accusatory for the other person, and set boundaries that work for you.

Here are some examples of this in action:

“I feel uncomfortable when I hear unkind things about our co-workers. I won’t participate in those conversations.”
“I value trust in friendship, so I can’t continue this friendship if you lie to me again.

On the flip side, behavior doesn’t have to be abuse or spiteful to be toxic. Other behaviors can be just as damaging.

You might value your relationship with this person, but don’t offer support at the risk of your own well-being.

“Healthy relationships involve give and take,” Sueskind explains. In other words, you offer support, but you receive support, too.

Taking care of yourself involves making sure you have enough emotional energy to meet your own needs. This may not happen when you’re giving everything to someone who doesn’t offer anything in return.

People can change, but they have to be willing to put in the work to do so.

You might want to help someone you care about instead of writing them completely out of your life. But, while you can always offer compassion and kindness, you likely won’t be able to change them.

At the end of the day, they have to commit to putting in the effort. Trying to help someone change before they’re ready can sap your emotional resources further.

Have a hard time turning people down? You aren’t alone.

Sticking to a refusal can also be tough, especially when someone tries to guilt trip you into changing your mind.

Removing yourself from the situation can help you avoid scenes. If you can’t physically leave, make it clear you’re no longer involved in the discussion. Say “excuse me” and turn away, for example.

Toxic behavior can make you feel like you did something wrong, even when you know you didn’t.

People who act in a toxic way “can often sense who they can manipulate,” Sueskind says. “They may move on when they see their tactics don’t work on you.”

If you’re never available, they might eventually stop trying to engage. This strategy can be particularly helpful at work, where you’re bound to have plenty of honest excuses, like:

“Sorry, I have too much work to chat.”
“Got to prep for that meeting, so I can’t talk!”

You might face some passive-aggressive remarks or outright accusations when you make your excuses. Try not to respond, even if you feel upset. Remember: It’s not about you.

Do you dread seeing a particular person? Feel anxious or stressed beforehand? Take these feelings as a sign you may want to see them less.

If you’re dealing with someone who picks fights with your or repeatedly pushes your boundaries, consider scaling back the amount of time you spend with them.

If you can’t completely avoid or scale back the amount of time you spend with someone, you still have options.

Set boundaries

“Boundaries are essential,” Sueskind says.

Setting boundaries involves deciding what you will and won’t tolerate. Communicate these boundaries clearly and stick to them.

Maybe you don’t mind listening to your co-worker’s dramatic stories, even the obviously fictional ones. But you draw your line at verbal abuse or gossip.

So when they start mocking another co-worker, say, “like I said, I’m not interested in this type of conversation.” Leave the room if you can or try putting on headphones.

Have an exit strategy

If you’re stuck in a toxic conversation and don’t see an easy way out, you might worry that leaving seems rude, especially if you’re talking to a supervisor.

But it’s entirely possible to leave politely. If it helps, consider coming up with a few go-to lines ahead of time that you can pull out as needed.

Change your routine

Does a family member always catch you when you’re studying or hold you up on your way to work? Maybe a co-worker always complains at lunch about how horribly everyone treats them.

Ideally, they’d respect the boundaries you set, but this doesn’t always happen. While it may not seem fair that you’re the one who has to change, it’s often worth it for your own well-being

Switching up your routine can help you avoid getting pulled in to conversations you’d rather skip. Try eating lunch somewhere besides the break room, wearing headphones, or reading a book.

Encourage them to get help

“Psychotherapy can help people identify problematic behaviors and learn to manage their emotions and reactions in healthier ways,” Sueskind says.

Don’t get personal

Sueskind recommends keeping interactions with the other person superficial. “Be clear about how you are and aren’t willing to engage,” she suggests.

Toxic behavior can involve gossiping, oversharing personal details, or using personal information to provoke reactions.

Maintain calm

You might wonder how it’s possible to stay calm around the other person when just thinking about crossing paths makes your heart pound.

Stay grounded

Next time you feel anxious in an interaction, try grounding yourself with these tips:

Breathe slowly and deeply.
Try relaxing your muscles instead of tensing them.
Let the words wash over you and silently repeat a calming mantra.
Distract yourself if the situation allows. Doodle, fidget with an object, or close your eyes and visualize your favorite place.

Work with a therapist

Sometimes, cutting people out of your life may seem like the only way to escape their toxic behavior. But this isn’t always feasible.

A psychologist told how to protect yourself from toxic people

iStock

Surrounded by residents of a big city, there is almost always a pessimist, always offended, quick-tempered person, there are always scandals and squabbles around him, if after communicating with him there is a feeling of devastation, then here he is - toxic person. The first thought is that it is worth limiting communication with such people, but what if they are close people, colleagues or relatives?

It is important to keep an emotional distance, says Lyudmila Tkachenko, a psychologist at the Kutuzovsky family center. "It's important to keep your emotions under control, and sometimes it's better to choose a neutral line of behavior, like nodding and agreeing," she says. "For example, if you comfort your upset friend, don't let her make it a daily tradition, otherwise you experiences that affect your emotional state." It is necessary to keep a distance, building a constructive dialogue, not absorbing negative information, only in this way it is possible to develop an internal filter from other people's bad emotions and problems. nine0003

"A good way to neutralize a toxic interlocutor is to ask him the question: "How and when are you going to solve your problem?" He will either change the topic or shut up, because he is going to complain, not solve the problem. Remember that only finding a solution is constructive , not experiences," adds Tkachenko.

It is equally important to reduce contact with toxic people. For example, if there is a negative colleague at work, then communication with him can be reduced to solving work issues. If we are not talking about workmates, you can put calls and notifications from toxic subscribers to silent mode. “Toxic people need a response, and if they don’t get it, they switch to the next “victim.” Alternatively, for some people, you can become a very boring, unmotivated interlocutor who cannot be pissed off,” Tkachenko notes. nine0003

Also, when communicating with toxic people, you can openly say what exactly does not suit you, in this case, either the person will begin to change his behavior for the better, or he will stop communicating with you. The psychologist advises to develop the ability to stand up for yourself and your boundaries. “All toxic people are manipulators. They need to be made clear that you can stand up for yourself and are not going to be manipulated by him. A good way is to set time limits in communication. For example, if your girlfriend is a toxic person, set a time limit for communication, explaining his affairs that cannot be postponed.If communication with her cannot be completely limited, suggest that she turn to a psychologist with her problem.If a colleague violates boundaries, provokes conflicts and "puts spokes in the wheels", it is worth talking with the manager about the delimitation of duties between you ", - the expert emphasizes. nine0003

The psychologist recommends in all situations to take responsibility only for yourself, and not for the problems of other people, because the goal of a toxic person is to shift this responsibility onto the shoulders of others. "You were asked for advice, you expressed your opinion on how to solve this or that problem, and this decision turned out to be wrong. You will be the last one in this situation, and you will be made to feel guilty. Stop all opportunities to involve you in solving the problems of toxic people," - concluded Tkachenko.

Lifestyle

How to deal with toxic people

June 18, 2021 Relationship

Don't make abusive behavior the norm and stop looking for excuses.

You can also listen to this article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast:

How to understand that a toxic person is nearby

You wake up in the morning and finally realize that you are stuck in a problem relationship. You are offended and confused. nine0003

A parent, brother or colleague, friend, spouse or even lover can hurt you. It doesn't matter if they manipulate you, intimidate you, or try to blame you for their problems. You do not know how to behave in this situation.

A few examples of such relationships:

Your girlfriend is constantly sarcastic, and lately her barbs have become very cruel.
Your colleague not only rejects all your suggestions and ideas, but also actively belittles you in front of those who listen to you. nine0041
Your spouse says cruel things to you, and when you object, he says that you are too sensitive, or refuses to talk about it at all.
Parents underestimate your achievements, no matter what you do.

Not everyone stays in such a relationship. At least for a long time. Some people immediately identify toxic people and know how to deal with them. Often these are self-confident people who strive for trusting relationships and do not allow themselves to be offended.

The situation is reversed for people with low self-esteem who prefer a dependent position. They don't know what a healthy relationship looks like and are more likely to end up with a toxic person. nine0003 Xavier Sotomayor / Unsplash

How to behave

1. Recognize the traits in yourself that make you easy prey

This does not mean that you should take responsibility or blame yourself for the fact that someone is bad with you arrives. Calmly think about communicating with this person. Focus on why you felt something, not what exactly you felt. So you can see the pattern by which communication that is unpleasant for you occurs. For example, insecure daughters of domineering mothers may confuse someone else's desire for control with strength and tenacity and become influenced by someone toxic. nine0003

2. Think about your reaction

Assess your reaction to an unpleasant conversation. The offending person may take a lukewarm reaction to their behavior as permission and continue to behave in the same way. By your reaction, you can strengthen or weaken the aggression directed at you.

Work on managing your emotions. Find the point between overreacting and underreacting, and set up a template for yourself on how to deal with those relationships.

Act according to the “if-then” principle. nine0003

Replay in your head the most likely conflict situations and your behavior. For example: "If she says something rude to me, then I will ask her why she insults me." It is very important to learn to defend your feelings.

3. Stop making excuses

One of the reasons people stay in hurtful relationships is a lack of self-confidence. If you are justifying toxic behavior (“He didn’t mean it, he didn’t mean it”) or blaming it on ignorance (“She didn’t realize she was being rude”), then it’s time to stop and understand why you are doing it. If you find yourself behaving in this way, stop. nine0003

4. Don't be afraid of irretrievable losses

Josh Felise / Unsplash

People avoid losses at all costs. They prefer to hold on to what they have now, even if it turns out to be useless in the future.

Our habit of focusing on how much energy, emotion, time or money we have invested in something keeps us in place.

Whatever that investment is, you can't get it back. Years invested in a dead-end job or relationship, money spent on a broken car or on speculation, cannot be returned. It is pointless. As well as relationships with toxic people. nine0003

If you often think about how much you have invested and sacrificed for a toxic person, think about what your life will be like in a year or five years if you end the relationship. If the connection is not broken, then the following years will become just another sacrifice made by you to a person who will not appreciate it.

5. Recognize the Power of Variable Approval

By nature, we tend to be optimistic and more passionate when we don't always get what we want. This can fuel our cravings for toxic people. nine0003

Burrhus Frederic Skinner , American behavioral psychologist, experimented with three starving rats in separate cages. Each of them had a lever that the animal could press and get food.

Food always appeared in the first cage after pressing the lever. The rat understood this and calmly went about her business. In the second cage, the lever never delivered food - the rat had learned its lesson and lost interest in it. In the third cage, the lever worked randomly and became the rat's obsession. She pressed him constantly. This is variable approval. nine0003

This principle also works in human relationships. When a toxic person does something good, your heart thumps with joy, optimism reaches a ceiling, and you think the situation is getting better. It locks you inside for a long time, like a rat in a cage with a lever.

6. Defend the borders or plan a retreat

Bethany Legg / Unsplash

If contact with a toxic person is unavoidable, set up barriers and the type of behavior you would like to see.

You don't have to be rude or judgmental if someone violates your boundaries. It is important to be direct and decisive. nine0003

If this happens at work, make it official and put it on paper. Tell a colleague, for example: “You can criticize me, but I would prefer that you not get personal. My appearance has nothing to do with work."

If you can avoid associating with someone toxic, do it.

7. Learn to anticipate retribution

A toxic person likes to control you. He likes to feel his power. So don't expect him to just walk out of your life. nine0003

When you start to resist, most likely, he will try even harder to manipulate you, to gossip in order to gain power over you again. This is especially common in relationships with a narcissist who needs to win in the eyes of society at any cost.

8. Don't normalize abusive behavior

It's especially important not to normalize abusive behavior if you've lived in an abusive relationship for a long time or grew up in a family where you were humiliated.

Learn more